my guest today is living his dream. an internationally acclaimed concert pianist and successful recording artist. but read his account of his life and it resembles a nightmare. when he's away from the piano, james rhodes is still haunted by the violent sexual abuse he suffered for years, from the age of six. he's written about how it drove him to drink, take drugs, self—harm and spent time in a psychiatric hospital. and how he was "saved by music". only discovering in his 30s that he could really play the piano. and in his latest book he recounts what his successful life really feels like. and it's almost unbearable and distressing to hear. how can he live with the pain of the past? james rhodes, welcome to hardtalk. nice to be here. thank you. quite a dramatic introduction. quite a dramatic book. yeah, possibly. and you intended it to be so. no, i never intended, the whole drama thing, i had enough of. sometimes it can be quite sensationalist to talk about certain topics. and for me what i really wanted to do is just tell the truth. to just be transparent. so much of our lives today seems to consist of perfectly curated instagram selfies and pretending everything's a certain way, that we somehow have all the rules and we know how to live perfectly well, and when actually the reality, certainly for me and i think for many, is very different. actually, life is quite challenging and it can be quite messy, and it's 0k to admit it, it's ok to say that. to talk about it, to be open about it. and you have been very open about it. but the descriptions seem that almost any time that you are away from the piano, on your own, you are almost in a state of constant torment. is that unfair? do you know, it's probably not unfair! i think, when you put it like that i feel more depressed now than when i came in. actually, i think it is unfair. i wouldn't say almost any time. there are more and more moments when i feel quite comfortable with my place in the world. but there are a surprisingly large number of moments when i do feel very tormented. the thing is, i don't think i'm alone in that. i really think that many of us wake up a lot of mornings with that idea of god, i've had too much to think last night, ijust had those voices, that inner critic, that dialogue all the time going on and today's going to be awful, they're going to discover your fraud, that imposter syndrome thing that you look at yourself in the mirror and you think, oh god, i'm a disaster. i feel destroyed. and i don't think that's that uncommon. but i hope it's notjust me. but it seems quite extreme with you. its extreme with me because of where it could lead, potentially. because of where you've been in the past. exactly. because i have a history of being in various psychiatric wards and suicide attempts, and i am, i suppose understandably, nervous about going back there. so, when i have a bad day and when things seem to be spiralling out of control, my big fear is that i'm not too long away from ending up how i was a few years ago. you chart in your book about essentially being on tour, and we can hear, from a concert last year, when you were playing chopin and i suppose this is the dayjob. yes. it's awful, watching that. it's like hearing your own voice on an answering machine. i suppose no—one watching this knows what an answering machine is. you all have voicemail now. do you remember when you were kids and you would hear your own voice and go oh, god, what do you think? probably the same as when you see yourself on tv or a journalist thing and they read all articles they have written, not all the time, but it's just slightly uncomfortable sometimes. but when you were actually playing it... that's my happy place. that's the best. timejust disappears. that's why it's so important to find something that you love, something that is, ideally, creative. the big problem that i've fallen for, too, and we all have, is that we are not designed to live the way we are living. in 2018. we're just not built for it. we look outside of ourselves all of the time to try and fix what's happening on the inside and, without sounding too much like deepak chopra, it's not working. i don't think it works. to get self—esteem from how many retweets we get on twitter and how many facebook friends we like, or if we get the shiny new iphone before anyone else, it's not the point. the point is to find something, that awfulword, mindfulness, but the point is that we go inside, rather than outside and that's what music does for me and art for some people, orwriting, of photography, or painting. you are talking generally about, as far as you are concerned, it is clear from what you have written, is always music. it is always music. music saved you. yes. the reason that you need saving is because of what happened to you when you were six. yes and no. personally, yes, but honestly, i mean, look around. i think we all need saving. we all experience trauma. there's no question about that. for some, it's parents getting divorced, it's poverty or disease, or it's a pet dying or maybe further down the scale, there's rape and there is rape and there's violence. and you can't quantify trauma. that's the point. but for you, that trauma was extreme. it was at the age of six when you were very violently raped. yes, for a long time. for many years. to the point where it ended up with spinal surgery to try to repair the damage physically. the emotional stuff, it's still there. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you take a six—year—old and you do that to him forfour orfive years, it's going to result in some pretty severe issues as an adult. and it was a teacher who did it to you. yes, a junior teacher at school. and it was the 80s. which isn't an excuse, but nothing happened. the interesting thing about this country, england, the uk, even though this is the world, people in other countries will hear this and not quite believe it but i promise you, it is true. still today in 2018, in any clerical set such as a school, a preacher could walk into a school, a preacher could walk into a classroom and see another teacher raping a six—year—old girl or boy and they could shut the door and walk away and they don't need to say anything and they will not have broken any laws. you do not have mandatory reporting. in the uk, they have a duty. no, we do not. one of the only countries in the world that does not have mandatory reporting and if they reported that the school 01’ and if they reported that the school or the police, they have no protection. you bring that up, because the teachers at that school no? that's a hard question to answer. yes is the short answer to that. i was found by a teacher with blood on my face and running down my legs and hysterical and, as you would be. i changed overnight. and that was witnessed also by teachers. 0ne that was witnessed also by teachers. one of the teachers in her police evidence statement, there is no issue that they had permission to talk about that but she told me she went to the headteacher and said something has happened here, and it is not right. the headteacher said, as they did in the 80s, little james rose needs to toughen up, and nothing was done. she explained she only came forward after you had done an interview about it. exactly. we have done your research, haven't you? there was a big interview in the sunday times, a couple pages, andi the sunday times, a couple pages, and i said this had happened to me when i was at school, and she got in touch with me. i read this interview, i knew it was, i had my suspicions, i was quite naive and innocent, i didn't know it was sexual in nature but something had happened, i thought it was physical, not sexual, because it was both. she went to the police give a statement and they tracked the guy down. there's a lot of very angry people in the world. sometimes that comes out on social media. sometimes below the article is when people write comments. occasionally people say something like, you only talk about this because you want to sell a few albums all you want a bit of sympathy. and i always tell them this story. i talked about this for the first time in this interview in 2000. as a direct result of that, the police found this guide and you know what he was doing when he was arrested? he was an old man, a part—time boxing coach for boys aged under ten and when people accuse me of talking about this to get sympathy or to sell albums or tickets or whatever, if i hadn't spoken this guy would still be doing this, and he could be teaching your grandson, your son, god this, and he could be teaching your grandson, yourson, god forbid, your nephew. would you rather that were happening? hee, actually, there was a police investigation, he was charged by the cps, a trial date was set and he died before it got the trial. how did you feel about the fa ct trial. how did you feel about the fact that he knew, eventually, what he had done to you? nothing. no feeling? eugh! got, it sounds so melodramatic but that part of me is dead. there is no feeling now. it is dead. there is no feeling now. it is dead. you said that you changed overnight. what about your family?” can only talk about myself. i talk about it in the book. it is my story, it is not my family's story. all i would say is that again it was the 80s, a different time, people we re very the 80s, a different time, people were very naive, then. now if any of those signs were going on in a kid we would be all over it. it doesn't mean that it has stopped, it is still an epidemic all around the world. but people are aware of it now. we need to talk more about that. you mention in your book, instrumental. it was almost worst of what i happened as a kid. i had to get the supreme court to give me permission to publish it. it took $2 million in legalfees. they permission to publish it. it took $2 million in legal fees. they tried to ban the book and they were after a gagging order that would stop me from speaking or writing in any medium anywhere in the world about any aspect of my past. we should explain it was your then ex—wife who was concerned about your son. ostensibly, yes, her belief was that i was doing this intentionally to inflict psychological harm on my own child by talking about my past. the supreme court intervened and they change the law, in effect, to stop this happening again. you talk then, ina way, this happening again. you talk then, in a way, when that book came out about how people are in denial, whether it is family, teachers... two people in my family, no one else, one of them has barely mentioned it and the only other one who is mentioned it is my mum. it's like it doesn't exist. the culture of silence which is what allows abuse of any kind to thrive, oh, we do not talk about this stuff, how could you write a book? the shame, the secrecy. sexual abuse is predicated on shame, that shame will talk you —— stop you from talking. that is why i promised myself that ifi that is why i promised myself that if i ever had a microphone, even a small one, i would talk about it. it's not the only thing i would talk about. i will talk about lovely things, about bach or chopin, and books are love letter to music, to my son, about many other wonderful things but they are also about this terrible thing, one of the big scourges of our society. there were many years when you you didn't talk because you moved on from the abuse. you went through school. it was in your late teens that you started during, drugs, everything. early teens, well before then. and self harming and everything else. but sadly, you cannot outrun these things. it is another reason that i talk because my own experience and that of thousands of people who have got in touch with me since the book came out, is that it is talk or die. i know that sounds very melodramatic, but you have to talk. not necessarily to your family or friends, maybe to a good therapist 01’ friends, maybe to a good therapist ora friends, maybe to a good therapist or a doctor or the samaritans, you are amazing, and there are organisations you can call, but you have to talk about this stuff, otherwise it is like a cancer when it is inside you. when your mother spoke to you eventually, what did she say? she was very supportive, and still is, and very loving and very kind. she's a wonderful woman. the thing is, when you have a child... all paedophiles say the same thing, in effect, you cannot talk about this. if you talk about this you cannot imagine the horrific things that will rain down on you. you will go to prison, i will go to prison, you will be killed, your family will. whatever it is that they use to keep you quite. when you are five, six, seven years old, your brain is not fully wired yet, it is still plastic, it changes the way you think and act. it is almost worse than the physical act. every time you're around that person and other people are there, you have to act normally, you say, yes, so, you shake their hands and you smile and you become complicit in the crime that they have carried out. you become partners, like you have robbed the bank together and you protecting them and every time that happens, that bond, even though it sells gritty, the bond get stronger and stronger. it is no wonder that we have people speaking out now 20, 30, 40 we have people speaking out now 20, 30, a0 years later which is why things like statutes of limitation is when sexual abuse crimes are so ridiculous because it can take 30 yea rs before you ridiculous because it can take 30 years before you have the courage, their strength, to speak out. there are many remarkable things about your life. all of our lives. we all have stories. in your particular night, you got your life back on track. you had a successfuljob as a financial publications writer. violi thing i'm embarrassed about in the book is that i work in finance. and you had a son. and you stopped the piano. i stopped from 18-28. you had a son. and you stopped the piano. istopped from 18-28. ionly did it from the age of 1a. i did and any white house in reverse. i did all the drugs, and at 28, ijust went, life is too short, i quit my job and said that i'm going to be a concert pianist. everyone looked at me likei concert pianist. everyone looked at me like i was completely crazy. but they are not laughing now because i did it. to me, that is a wonderful thing. how many people, i've lost count of the number of people who saidi count of the number of people who said i was wanted a be an actor, or whatever, and it is so easy to get trapped in these jobs that we don't like, marriages that have become a little bit shabby because we have a mortgage together we have to pay the bills. and i think, you know what? you get one shot. i walked away from all that and now i'm doing what, since i was a little kid, i wanted to do, which is to play in concert halls around the ward. you talk about what it means to you, that music save you. around that same time you had a son growing up. and it was when he hit the same age... they don't tell you this. i wish they had. i am not sure how i would have prepared for it but i found out that it have prepared for it but i found out thatitis have prepared for it but i found out that it is very common that, if you we re that it is very common that, if you were raped or abused when you were a child and you also have a child, when that child becomes age that you we re when that child becomes age that you were when the abuse started, it is very likely that your entire world will implode, and that's what happened to me. on a biological level i could not do the maths, i could not see this perfect miracle child, four years old, five years old, this absolute god—given miracle and see, well, i was that size when this was done to me. and not only that, but the terror of what have i done? i have brought into a world will these awful things happen. what was the effect on you? everything fell apart. i was aggressively self harming. iwas fell apart. i was aggressively self harming. i was suicidal. i ended up spending nine months in various secure worlds. —— wards. and not because of him. he was perfect. the greatest thing in my life and as any pa rent greatest thing in my life and as any parent will attest, it is the most overwhelming feeling of love and it only ever gets bigger. just when you think it can't get bigger, it gets bigger. it is amazing, the capacity to love your child. it is everything. at that time, i try to run away from it because i had not dealt with it. i don't know how i could have dealt with it but i had not talked about it. it is like when a train stops but the carriages behind it hasn't stopped and they crash into the back of it, and that is what happened with me. and it took a long time to deal with that. and to recover from took a long time to deal with that. and to recoverfrom it. and one of the messages from your book, if there is one, is that you don't ever really recover. it is what it is. it isa really recover. it is what it is. it is a daily reprieve. it is a thing in self—help books, the idea that you can find happiness if you do the simple things or you can suddenly find peace of mind if you follow these little guys. the pursuit of happiness, it's in the constitution in america. and i don't think we should be pursuing happiness. i really don't. it is bleeding. it is lovely when it comes. but we are not designed to be happy. —— it is fleeting. just because we are not happy doesn't mean that we are unhappy. there is a giant scale in between being happy and being unhappy and it can go further down into depression and anxiety, but the message in the book, if there is one, is that life is kind of messy and imperfect, and all of us feel alone in a crowd, sometimes. all of us alone in a crowd, sometimes. all of us feel slightly like we do not belong. and sometimes, just getting out of bed and getting the kids ready for school, getting on the subway to go to work, getting home, putting the kids to bed, eating and going to sleep is a heroic act. and nobody says, well done, dude, you made it through the day like an adult, but for many, it is an extraordinary thing to achieve when your head is saying all the time, throw yourself under the tube, your life is meaningless, no one would ca re life is meaningless, no one would care anyway, life is too difficult, life is too much. just to survive and to endure, is a pretty heroic thing. coming back to the music, when you had come out of hospital and you were putting your life back together again, it was this combination of writing, talking and playing that saw your career soar.” had no career before. i met my manager and a copy shop purely by chance. in 2009 i released my first album. which is crazy because concert pianists start at two, three yea rs concert pianists start at two, three years old. and here i was in my late 30s, mid—30s, i'm not that old! i did it all the wrong way round. i have been on 35 different kinds of medication. i have seen insane numbers of psychiatrists and psychologists. i have tried so many different things. the only consistent thing that has worked his music. you know how it has worked? that is a magic trick. i know that when i was seven and the world was like a god dam war zone and ifound a cassette tape with a piece of music by bach and in that moment everything changed. thank god it was not a bible or i'd be talking about jesus right now! but for me it was music and everything changed. and you have bach now on your t—shirt. let's hear him playing. sure, why not? is there an answer to the question of why bach? why oxygen, why water? the crazy thing about that piece, eve ryo ne the crazy thing about that piece, everyone will know that piece. everyone watching this programme, every single one of you as long as you have two hands would be able to play that piece of bach within six weeks, even if you had never touched the piano before. i can see that look on yourface. the piano before. i can see that look on your face. i wrote a book which in a stroke of marketing genius we called how to play the piano and it shows you how to play that piece, it has a copy of the school. you don't need a proper piano. that p&o cost £150,000. you can geta piano. that p&o cost £150,000. you can get a £30 keyboard and spent a0 minutes a day, six weeks later, you are playing bach. what a thing. everything has an app were we cannot do it within three minutes we give up. to find a0 minutes a day, it is amazing. james rose, on that note, you have been on hardtalk, thank you very much. —— james you have been on hardtalk, thank you very much. ——james rhodes. hello. winter refuses to relinquish its grip across the uk, but notjust the uk, across the whole of europe at the moment. with that high pressure still entrenched across scandinavia and the siberian air spilling right across europe, having such a dramatic impact. yes, we have got snow around at the moment and yes we still have weather warnings in force. those affected areas will be the far north—east of england and stretching down across the essex, kent and sussex coastline. we could see significant accumulation starting to develop towards dawn. the met office has issued an amber weather warning for these two areas. we could see as much as five or ten centimetres of snow could affect the commute into the london area and have an issue if you are driving or taking the trains across the north—east of england. stay tuned to your bbc local radio stations first thing, but it looks like the snow showers, being driven along by a brisk, north—easterly breeze. perhaps in the afternoon a lull in proceedings across the south—east, but it will have an impact throughout the day. it is going to feel bitterly cold for all of us, with those temperatures really struggling. but the best of the sunshine reserved for further west. as we move into wednesday, we have still got met office amber weather warnings, and be prepared for disruption, but this time the emphasis changes into the north—east of england and affecting eastern scotland. we could see five, ten centimetres and maybe more in some places. winds will strengthen. there could be blizzard conditions and it may drive the snow showers a little bit further inland. the winds swing round to a south—easterly direction so it may mean the south—east escapes the worst of them but another bitterly cold day for all, with those temperatures struggling. add in the factor of the wind, particularly as it will strengthen, it will feel well below freezing. as we move into thursday, we still have a frequent rash of showers across the north but i want to draw your attention to what is happening to the south. an area of low pressure is set to move in and it will bring uncertainty. it is moving up from iberia, across france as it bumps into the cold airfor a time across central and southern england and northern ireland we could see some significant snow. this is the briefing. i'm sally bundock. our top story...

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