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Pregnant woman planning all the fun stuff she ll do on maternity leave will soon f**king learn
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Britain getting the full affair-with-Boris experience
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Freezing shitty spring means lovely long hot summer, Britain lies to itself 21st May 2021
THE UK is deluding itself that a wet, windy and f king freezing spring means it can look forward to a lovely long hot summer.
Across Britain, people are opening the curtains to pissing rain, turning the thermostat up a notch and, against all reason and experience, believing this means that June will be a real scorcher.
Plasterer Ryan Whittaker said: “Just another week of this then it’s the hot vax summer.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s a meteorological rule that when you get a cold, wet May the following three months are absolutely blazing. It’s something to do with the jetstream.
11th May 2021
A WOMAN without regard for social convention not only immediately informs her boyfriend when she is pissed off with him but even tells him why.
Hannah Tomlinson, aged 27, embarked on the unusual course of action when she despaired of Joshua Hudson ever working out what was wrong and experimented with telling him directly instead.
She said: “I know it’s weird, breaks the rules and is possibly dangerous but I thought if I just said when he was being a bellend he might adjust his behaviour accordingly.
“Of course normally he doesn’t get it or refuses to believe he’s wrong, but I honestly believe that results will show he’s becoming less of a twat over time.
Couple who only drink at weekends really f king drink at weekends 7th May 2021
A COUPLE who only drink on Fridays and Saturdays get absolutely f king wrecked every Friday and Saturday, friends have confirmed.
Ryan and Josie Whittaker piously announced on social media that they had fallen into bad habits during lockdown and needed to clean up their act.
Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “So it was a surprise when I arrived at theirs at 6pm last night for an ‘early garden supper’ and they were both already three cans in.
“Within the hour Josie had switched to gin, Ryan was so drunk he got himself entangled in the gazebo, and they’d both told me that if I needed a piss it was fine to use the pond.
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