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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20141111

Nurse because it looks like the war on isis may be turning for the allied powers. Isis leader Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi possibly killed in the latest u. S. Led air strikes in iraq. Jon boom literally. laughter looks like obama is going to have to break out a new i just killed baghdadi hallway walk. Might i recognize something a little more psychedelic, a little more willey wonka. Its not important. The important thing is this. The leader of isis is iraqi officials are saying al baghdadi was critically wounded in an air strike this weekend. Jon or wounded. Hes dead or wounded. Not quite dead, but thats not nothing. Hes not in hell yet, but he is on the highway to hell cheers and applause thats what im talking about. Lets get some information. Where did we nail him . Where did we nail him . Accord together u. S. , an air strike was conducted targeting an isis convoy outside of mosul. An interior Ministry Intelligence official claims the strike in the town of kam. Jon the important thing is th

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141111

Elections. Huge night for the republicans across the country. They won everything its senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines. laughter i mean, they were on fire. I dont know why democrats didnt turn out to vote yesterday. What with all the inspiring fundraising emails the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee sent out, like all hope is lost. laughter applause and sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but im going to be humble about this for two reasons. One, because i am amazing at being humble, okay. laughter fantastic. And, two, i want to be sensitive to all my liberal viewers. I have been told some liberals do watch the show. I dont know why. Its a free country. As happy as i am that america is now headed in the right direction, im not going to spike the metaphorical football or even the literal football i had made with obamas face on it right there, okay. laughter applause wouldnt be right. Im

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20141119

That rabbit hole of truth. All right, good night and god bless. From Comedy Central world news headquarters in new york. This is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon welcome to the daily show im jon stewart. Tonight, this is exciting. Young man named Benedict Cumberbatch is going to join us. [cheers and applause] jon great film. Hes great in it. First its been a rough year for the president of these United States. A midterm shellacking. The failure to get one chair to turn around the voice come on gwen, turn around as the president said in his voice audition song the sun will come out a hundred thousand people signed up for obama care on saturday. The latest day of the recent open enrollment. The consumer has a better interaction. Things are simpler, faster and more intuitive. Jon obama care website is better. For example, when you log into the new healthcare gov it has Insurance Options rather than brunch options at dennys.

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141118

Thats our show. Here it is, your home of zen. The American People went to the polls last week and delivered a decisive blow to the president. And his progressive agenda. I get a big pick out of the use of the word progressive. They are just straight old captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org eagle caw captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen come on welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. In there, out there, all over the world. Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. Folks cheers and applause folks, please have a seat. Weve got huge news to get to right off the bat. Nation, im no fan of bicycles. laughter its like taking a spin class to get to my spin class. laughter no thanks. Plus theyre always crowding the tiny lane i use when theres traffic. laughter well, over the weekend, bicycles or bikes, a

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20141112

cheers and applause jon thats our show join us tomorrow night at 11 00. A young actor named Stephen Carell will join us applause our moment of zen. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org makes an important visit to china. Hes too good to order takeout like the rest of us. laughter then, who will be americas new attorney general . And did i just pitch a reality show to cspan . laughter and my guest tonight is legendary Fashion Designer diane von furstenberg, whose new book is the woman i wanted to be. For me, it was always nancy reagan. laughter usher is releasing his latest single inside boxes of honey nut cheerios. I cant believe honey nut cheerios sold out like that. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report thank you for joining us audience chanting stephen cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank

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