Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their Chitchat
ATLANTA After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country. “We could immediately get another 15 or 20 million doses into people’s arms if these elderly women would just keep the chatter to a minimum and move it along,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, citing an incident in which the queue at a Rochester, NY clinic ground to a halt when Marjorie Bickford, a 78-year-old retiree, yammered on and on to nurses about how there sure hadn’t been much snow this year, and some folks were saying springtime might just come early. “We understand these ladies mean well when they ask our health care professionals interminable questions about whether the hospital is alwa
National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration
you think?
“Okay, but it’s only fair that they’re deployed equally to both sides of the conflict.”
Richard Embly, Barmaid
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“I’m sure whatever violent mob shows up will die off on its own within a few minutes.”
Heath Wetzel, Pinochle Champ
“You’d have to be some kind of moron to think you could successfully storm the U.S. Capitol.”
Nora Jutan, Systems Analyst
Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election Certification
NEW YORK Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would begrudgingly continue funding Marco Rubio after learning he had voted to certify the 2020 presidential election results. “We’ve been looking for excuses to cut off that little dipshit forever, so learning he didn’t challenge the election results was a major disappointment, ” said CEO Michael Corbat, who described how the investment bank’s entire boardroom was glued to the television last Wednesday night watching the certification process in hopes they could pull funding from Rubio at last. “Look at this man. Would you want to fund him? Would you want to funnel thousands and thousands of dollars to this smug prick’s campaign year after year? No, and we don’t want to either. Unfortunately, our hands are tied. We’re going to have to wait for a more op
Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations
Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do
you think?
Chloe Cipres, Juice Expert
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“How could Hallmark have known these senators would act on their crazy lies instead of just espouse them?”
Roland Westby, Aquatic Center Designer
“This is exactly why I never give people things.”
John Ansell, Animal Maid
‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall
Three of the original stars of HBO’s
Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do
you think?
The Sopranos without Kim Cattrall.”
Oliver Sansom, Unemployed
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Leann Wright, Kiosk Manager
Thomas Lee, Gravel Shipper