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Imagine you were undergoing a programme of uncomfortable and unpleasant, but necessary, exercise and dietary changes to improve your health and found yourself slightly ahead of schedule, though some distance from your target. You sit down with your doctors and give them the good news: I’m doing better than planned, though I still need to lower my blood pressure to healthy levels and it’s going to be tough to get there. How would you react to a doctor whose response was to crack open a pack of Malboro reds, slide a triple-cheeseburger and fries across the table and offer you a chocolate milkshake to wash that down with? I would sack the imbecile there and then; and even more so if your wellbeing depended on the collective health of a group of people of which you are only one, and most of the others are behind schedule. Sure, a burger would be nice, but with a life of chronic health problems at stake you’d hope that your doctor at least would be able to help you resist the short-
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John Mortimer’s third autobiography (he was very long-lived; after each one he found he went through a lot of unexpected life, hence the trilogy) opens with the reflection that the marker of elderliness is the moment you realise you cannot put on your own socks. I think the Rubicon of middle-age is when the highlight of your Friday is loading the car with the accumulated debris of the cardboard boxes you’ve unpacked in the house and taking them down to the tip (I suspect that would be a ‘municipal garbage dump’ to my American readers). I hit that landmark today and clearing space in the living room and tidying up was a deeper satisfaction than I got from any cocktail bar I went to in my twenties, let me tell you. A hoarder at heart, I used to laugh at Marie Kondo, but I’ve reached that stage of life where I’m no longer thanking my old possessions before throwing them out so much as cackling gleefully as I hurl them into the landfill.
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