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Clearing out my kitchen cupboards was like unearthing a time capsule

The artefacts unearthed from the back of kitchen cupboards will bring back all kinds of memories, writes Moreen Simpson.

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Royal Mail parcel scam text: It s easier to get taken in than you d think

By Moreen Simpson © Shutterstock/Tero Vesalainen Twice last week came ample evidence I’m a fully paid-up bampot. The worst thing about my (Homer) Simpson double “d’oh” was having to fess up to my kids. They damnt near confiscated my mobile. First gaffe came on Sunday (May 17) as I lounged in front of the telly, heidie nae switched to max. A text from Royal Mail, saying a parcel for me had a shipping charge of £2.55. Pay it now, get it Monday. (Those of you in the know will already be saying: “Oh no, Mo.”) I was waiting for a package from Amazon, which might have hailed from abroad. So I paid with my John Lewis credit card, including security number at the back.

Moreen simpsonJohn lewisRoyal mailTero vesalainenஜான் லெவிஸ்அரச அஞ்சல்

Moreen Simpson: There s nae point crying over a bag of spilt peas

Moreen Simpson: There’s nae point crying over a bag of spilt peas © Helen Hepburn You know when you look forward to something for so long, then it all goes a taddie tatties-ower-the-side? So it was with me earlier this week after ages on the excited countdown to my first lunch with pals. Booked a whilie ago lest we struggled to get a table at our regular haunt, the Dutch Mill, on one of the first days eatooteries were unlocked. We weren’t that keen on the al fresco bittie, but if we didn’t want to miss oot on quaffing oor vino plonko (just as if!) ootside it had to be. Hopefully close to a heater, because it may be May, but it’s still Baltic.

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Moreen Simpson: Will I be bounced into splashing out on a sofa?

Moreen Simpson: Will I be bounced into splashing out on a sofa?
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Moreen Simpson: Turns out lockdown s not without certain freedoms

Moreen Simpson: Turns out lockdown’s not without certain freedoms By Moreen Simpson © Helen Hepburn Spik aboot stress. Not sooner are we unlocking, than I’m suddenly appreciating all the relaxing “freedoms” of being locked. Free to go about every day without make-up. Well, nae quite. Not if I dinna want to fear the life oot o’ the gadgies that do my deliveries. Asda food, Amazon parcels, my quine’s never-ending Next. Hunners o’ Hermes. Not to mention the hunkie postie – never oot o’ shorts – who rings my bell (so to speak) whenever there’s a letterbox-defying parcel. How could I open the door to them barefaced? Like one of the zombies from Thriller? So I slap on a bittie foundation to hide the purply blotches and dark circles. We used to call it Pan-Stick. A shilling from Woolies? Never a better cosmetic. Nowadays, I also have the guts to go eye-naturelle. Me who’d once barely venture oot without half a coal mine plastered on my upper lids. Now, na

Moreen simpsonHelen hepburnJeffrey epsteinHunnerso hermesJohn lewisPost thumbnailWindsor chapelPrincess annePrince edwardRoyal knockoutHer majஹெலன் ஹெப்பர்ன்ஜெஃப்ரி எப்ஸ்டீன்ஜான் லெவிஸ்விண்ட்சர் தேவாலயம்ப்ரிந்ஸெஸ் அன்னே

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