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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20170124

You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. Ahh whoa well, that does it. Im gonna have to report this. Guard one to base ahh it is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop. Kyles got to succeed, hes just got to. I cant reach the c. P. U. What are you doin . Get out of my way. Oh no, now theres two of those things. No, i think that other thing is Rosie Odonnell. Huh . Which one . Its like im seeing double. I said, get out of my way aahhh [bubbling spatter] [cartman cyborg] ew. Look, i think that infusing with Rosie Odonnell has made trapper keeper sick. [cartman] euhhh. Bad pie, bad pie. This is your chance, kyle, cartman is weakened. Got him. He did it [all arguing] okay, children, the lawyers for ikes side have agreed with the lawyers on filmores side to hold another meeting regarding form 22f. Do we all have that form . Is this the kindergarten classroom . Jess

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20170124

You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. Ahh whoa well, that does it. Im gonna have to report this. Guard one to base ahh it is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop. Kyles got to succeed, hes just got to. I cant reach the c. P. U. What are you doin . Get out of my way. Oh no, now theres two of those things. No, i think that other thing is Rosie Odonnell. Huh . Which one . Its like im seeing double. I said, get out of my way aahhh [bubbling spatter] [cartman cyborg] ew. Look, i think that infusing with Rosie Odonnell has made trapper keeper sick. [cartman] euhhh. Bad pie, bad pie. This is your chance, kyle, cartman is weakened. Got him. He did it [all arguing] okay, children, the lawyers for ikes side have agreed with the lawyers on filmores side to hold another meeting regarding form 22f. Do we all have that form . Is this the kindergarten classroom . Jess

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Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170124

Allow it to rain on the audience lined up for this show. Did it rain on you . [ audience no ] jimmy god has spoken given, its amazing. We have a lot to get to tonight with the bachelor, football thats it, really. First, this was our first weekend with our new celebrity president. And you know how sometimes theres a lot of hype for something and then when it finally happens it disappoints . Well, that was certainly not the case for president Donald John Madden trump this weekend. Saturday trump paid a visit to the cia to make nice after repeatedly insulting them on twitter. He called it the Central Intelligence agency and compared them to nazis which is the kind of thing that upsets people. So in order to mend the fence, he made his First Official visit as president. His first visit was to cia headquarters. He spoke in front of the wall of agency heroes. This is a Memorial Wall to the agents who gave their lives to this country. While he did take time to tell the agents in the room that

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Transcripts For WJLA Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170124

Lined up for this show. Did it rain on you . [ audience no ] jimmy god has spoken given, its amazing. We have a lot to get to tonight with the bachelor, football thats it, really. First, this was our first weekend with our new celebrity president. And you know how sometimes theres a lot of hype for something and then when it finally happens it disappoints . Well, that was certainly not the case for president Donald John Madden trump this weekend. Saturday trump paid a visit to the cia to make nice after repeatedly insulting them on twitter. He called it the Central Intelligence agency and compared them to nazis which is the kind of thing that upsets people. So in order to mend the fence, he made his First Official visit as president. His first visit was to cia headquarters. He spoke in front of the wall of agency heroes. This is a Memorial Wall to the agents who gave their lives to this country. While he did take time to tell the agents in the room have his full support, most of his sp

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20170126

Author heather ann thompson. Awe. But first, but first, breaking news from Donald Trumps fat little twitter fingers. President trump just tweeted on a number of subjects including chicago murder outbreak fsm comi chicago disunt fix the horrible carnage, 228 shooting ins 2017, up 24 first from 2016 i will send in the feds. What exactly could that mean, bringing in the feds . Well, weve asked that question of white house officials several of them and there is no answer on what exactly he means. Trevor yeah. Of course there is no answer on what exactly he means. Because he doesnt know what he means. laughter we done even know if he means the feds. I mean like maybe he wants to send in Roger Federer and kevin federline. We dont know. Anythings possible with trump. Now dont get me wrong. That statistics about homicides in chicago is troubling. And no one can deny the issue needs to be addressed. But i guarantee that you donald j. Trump just thinks send in the questioneds sounds feds sounds

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