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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140508

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. You see, i agreed years ago that every now and then i would do these integrated sponsorships on the report to help pay the production bills and thats what that was. So lets laughter lets get lets get to our number one story which tonight is a number two story. Doctors believe theyve come up with a way to help with constipation. It involves a vibrating pill. Doctors in israel are testing a new pill that shakes up your intestinal area and gets thing

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140508

laughter then more Eastern European conflict. Last night my russian dressing got on my chicken kiev. laughter then my guest David Remnick has a new collection of new yorker pieces from the 1940s. You know, the ones your grandparents always meant to read but didnt. 17 of americans say they would have sex with a robot. The other 83 are liars. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. You see, i agreed years ago that every now and then

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140508

Stephen tonight fox news uncovers a new scandalling one of their shows wasnt talking about benghazi. laughter then more Eastern European conflict. Last night my russian dressing got on my chicken kiev. laughter then my guest David Remnick has a new collection of new yorker pieces from the 1940s. You know, the ones your grandparents always meant to read but didnt. 17 of americans say they would have sex with a robot. The other 83 are liars. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140512

One of their shows wasnt talking about benghazi. laughter then more Eastern European conflict. Last night my russian dressing got on my chicken kiev. laughter then my guest David Remnick has a new collection of new yorker pieces from the 1940s. You know, the ones your grandparents always meant to read but didnt. 17 of americans say they would have sex with a robot. The other 83 are liars. laughter this is the colbert report. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. Yo

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140509

Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. You see, i agreed years ago that every now and then i would do these integrated sponsorships on the report to help pay the production bills and thats what that was. So lets laughter lets get lets get to our number one story which tonight is a number two story. Doctors believe theyve come up with a way to help with constipation. It involves a vibrating pill. Doctors in israel are testing a new pill that shakes up your intestinal area and gets things rolling again. Stephen yes, a pill that vibe rates your constipation a way. Sorry prunes, you just lost your job to a ro

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