they say get up and entertain these people but don t say anything that would be entertaining and then you go all right. you go up and do your best. you usually fail and then you leave. the woman in charge walks up to me and goes okay, mike, there is two speakers and then you. the first speaker walks on and he s an 11-year-old boy who survived leukemia. i know. [ laughter ] he s not funny at all. standup is a struggle. the start of your career. eventually, if you re funny you will make money. it s just a long game. but a corporate gig can be a paycheck. if you want to make a lot of money doing live standup, it s in corporate and colleges. so you got to work clean if you want the big bucks. you have to make the calculation, am i a sellout or am i businessman?
associated with negative things. left hand compliment. what are we having for dinner? leftovers. you go to a party. there s nobody there. where did everybody go? they left. mostly when i hear clean comedy, it s boring. let me decide. there is a vegetarian hot pocket for those of us who don t want to eat meat but still would like diarrhea. hot pocket if i had to write it out, clean comedy would be no swearing and nothing that is what i consider offensive. there is a standard that says, you can trust me with your audience. we won t just throw it all out there to be offensive with every topic out there. we ll make you all comfortable when you leave so you don t have to take a shower when this is over. if you re working television sits on top of your nonworking television. you might be a red neck. it s not a bad thing for a
as funny. it is very rare you see someone s five minutes on tv and it is gas as the comedy club. guys, if you could do it, you would be alone right now watching an empty stage. i never saw bill hicks live. i have first hand accounts saying, there is no one better. he was booked on the late show with david letterman in 1993. he did his set which had been approved by the bookers in advance. people annoy me. do you know what annoys me? pro-life people. do you look at their faces? i m pro-life. why don t they look it? you see them trying to to an orphanage. we re pro-life. we re here to document. don t pick me. he did fine in front of that audience at the ed sullivan theater. then after the set, they got on
that s a better idea. yeah, maybe not in the bathroom. oooh! oh my word! geico. it s easy to switch and save. little things can be a big deal. psoriasis, that s why there s otezla. otezla is not a cream. it s a pill that treats plaque psoriasis differently. with otezla, 75% clearer skin is achievable. don t use if you re allergic to otezla. it may cause severe diarrhea, nausea, or vomiting. otezla is associated with. .an increased risk of depression. tell your doctor if you have a history of depression or suicidal thoughts or if these feelings develop. some people taking otezla reported weight loss. your doctor should monitor your weight and may stop treatment. upper respiratory tract infection and headache may occur. tell your doctor about your medicines and if you re pregnant or planning to be. otezla. show more of you. it is nice. his haircut is nice. this is the most-awarded minivan three years in a row.
i can t do corporates. i just can t. like testing a battery. i m too dirty to do corporate and it s amazingly unfortunate because there is a lot of money in corporate. believe me, i would do it in a second if, i could be gaffigan. i did a very conservative jewish restaurant. they had this whole list of words that you couldn t say, one of which was tookis. i m like what? they are trying to help the comedian by saying don t be too dirty, don t be too offensive because what is going to happen is you re going to say some questionable joke about sexuality and then steve from finance is going to laugh so hard that it s going to be awkward to work with steve for the rest of the year and he s going to be fired. i was reading a bible and found out jesus had a little brother. anybody know his name? james. when i read that i was like, how much pressure was that? jesus, your big brother? how many times do you have to