Aries
Sparring with their weird antivax cousin over Instagram DMs after getting a little too trigger happy with the post-vax story selfies – consequently curating a Close Friends list solely based on their followers’ likelihood to suspect they now have a microchip in their arm.
Taurus Protection from an infectious disease isn’t too shabby a birthday present, but this seriously wasn’t the type of headache they planned on having the morning after their 21st.
Gemini
Cancer Eagerly waiting two weeks to give all of their (fellow vaccinated) friends a little platonic smooch and then spooning them while crying tears of joy because physical touch is their love language, okay?
Aries
July 22, 2021: Blowing the last of their MAP stipend on a Bikes To You shopping spree. Fingerless gloves, a helmet with a headlamp, a pair of those shorts with padding on the butt so your booty doesn’t hurt and a hot pink 10-speed. Personality traits CAN be bought, folks!
Taurus
July 16, 2021: Started off their solo backpacking fantasy with an assertive day trip along the Appalachian Trail. What began as stalwart confidence quickly dwindled to full-blown panic three hours in without even a cellphone tower in sight to signal humanity’s presence. Alas, hope returned in the form of a cheerful Minnesotan family all too willing to offer elaborate directions and a nourishing handful of Chex Mix.
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Aries “The Harris Afterparty”: The horrendous but nostalgic combination of jungle juice, cigarette ash from the last 50 years and the joy of finally getting control of the aux.
Taurus
“Dish Line Darling”: The lush smell of the Dining Hall dish room, spiced with notes of soap and the Nutella-smeared sausage clinging stubbornly to the trough.
Gemini “The Cleve Whiff”: A provocative blend of burnt popcorn, loggia brick and … is that a skunk I smell?
Cancer “Burling Breakdown”: The salt of all your wasted tears mixed with the comforting must of the old fourth-floor hardcovers.