Tonight, trumps days of fury. Plus, stephen welcomes Neil Degrasse tyson. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody how are you . Welcome, mark. Hey good to see you. That was good. Chris, fantastic. People love when bad things happen to dogs. They love it audience Stephen Stephen. Stephen hey, come on no, you audience Stephen Stephen stephen thats nice. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Please have a seat, everybody. Thats very nice. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Listen to that, listen to that. That is a friday crowd right there its friday, oh, oh, stephen these people have come through storms. They have come through giving up on going to the gym after new years. cheers and applause . Twitter feed to just lash out in every direction. So, whats up with grandpa cranky pants . Apparently, its because trumps infuriated that his legal team has been offering shifting timelines about when the russia investigation would end. Ah, so frustrating. Its like the cable company. They say youre going to get indicted between noon and 3 00, and youre waiting around at 5 00 p. M. Like, when are they going to perpwalk me already . Jon just like the cable company, just like them. Stephen heres the deal. His legal team he has a whole bunch of lawyers his legal team told him muellers investigation would be over by the end of 2017. Sir, im just as disappointed as you are, but for a slightly different reason. laughter and we, all of us out here, us sane people watching this, knew that what they were saying was just spin, but trump believed it, just like he believes the selective good news they put in front of him. Now hes angry and nervous and his desk telling him he can make all the problems go away. Luckily, our inhouse news network, real news tonight, is ready to reassure our troubled leader. Welcome to real news tonight. Im jim anchor ton. And im jill newslady. Our top story the Robert Mueller investigation is going to be fair. And its over. Well, soon. When . Practically now. Maybe in three more sleeps. I love sleep. Theres no f. B. I. There. And donald trump can rest easy because Robert Muellers investigation is basically done. Yeah, hes free to go back to being our big, strong president. You know, jim, i wish i was a cheeseburger so he would desire me. Give him that beef. A real, real news tonight correction it turns out steve bannon is not good. Hes bad. Very bad. We regret the error. Stephen thank you for your service, guys. Solid. The only ones i believe. Theatre only ones i believe at this point. cheers and you guys remember last summer when we had the brief and glorious reign of former White House Communications director and guy who knows a guy who can take care of your wife problem, anthony scaramucci. Well, the mooch servedlet white house for just 11 days but hell be remembered forever, mostly for saying that steve bannon could drain his own swamp. Hes possibly bragging of a possible return to the white house. Oh, please oh, please come back. But it may not happen because rumor has it last year, when the mooch was on his frontstabbing world tour, the president earnestly asked people in the white house, is he on drugs . I have a followup question did he bring enough for the whole country . Because i could use a Little Something to take the edge off for the next three years. And there were some big changes in the u. S. Senate this two new democratic senators, including doug jones, were sworn in by antigay warrior mike pence. Check on the expression of senator jones son, who happens to be gay. Oh, oh, yes. applause i dont think pence is going to need sunscreen for a while because hes getting a whole lot of shade. Jimmy, can i see that again . That look could not be more searing. laughter i stand corrected. cheers and applause there was also there was also a major announcement from utah senator and ventriloquist dummy plotting against his master, orrin hatch. Thats positive, yeah. Now the reason the reason that this is news is that donald trump was trying to get hatch to run for reelection. Hes only 83. Thats the prime of your 80s. Trump is terrified that hatch will now be replaced by former g. O. P. Nominee and man daydreaming about toast, mitt romney. Thats right, romneys back, baby and i couldnt be happier. Sure, back in 2012, i made a lot of jokes about him, but thats because romney seemed square and boring. But now he seems square and boring. cheers and applause heres how we know that mitt is serious about running, because right after hatch announced his retirement plans, romney changed his location on twitter from massachusetts to holladay, utah. Oh, come on, mitt. At least wait until senator hatchs body is co all right, were there. laughter now, my first guest tonight is Neil Degrasse tyson. You guys like neil tyson . cheers and applause incredible. My favorite guest. Hell be out here. Hell be out here in just a little while. cheers and applause maybe two, three acts or something. Incredible. Which is great. I always love having him out here because theres a lot of space news out there. For one, a Japanese Company is planning to put a billboard on the moon. Now you wont be able to see the billboard from earth. The Company Wants to use it for moonsurface photo ops and hopes to attract corporations looking to show off their logos with earth in the background. Now, im not sure if they know this, but you know where else you can get photos with earth in the background . Earth. laughter its kind of hard to avoid. But this is a huge milestone humanitys first ad in space. Ever since our ancestors first raised their eyes to the firmament, they dreamed of traveling to the stars and declaring to the cosmos, charmin, enjoy the go. If there are bears who poop in space. I dont know. I just have one problem with this Japanese Companys plan it should be americas plan. Unfortunately, we actually have a law banning obtrusive space advertising. Thats too bad. We all remember the historic moment when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind that can save you 15 or more on your car insurance. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Degrasse Tyson right over there. Stick around. Neil fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. When it comes to presenting evidence, nobody does it better. Shes also this close to finding bigfoot. But when it comes to mortgages, shes less confident. Cket mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so she can understand the details and get approved in as few as eight minutes. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. Rocket mortgage by quicken loans. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for forty bucks each. With netflix included. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. Lets rock this joint use pantene shampoo together with 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. Their prov formula is like a multivitamin. Making your hair 2x stronger see the difference when you add 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. There are two types of people in the world. Those who fear the future. And those who embrace it. The future is for the unafraid. All because of you band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause dont preblow my mind before im ready for it. We have to lot to do here. Theres a lot in the universe to talk about, relative to anything else in the universe. Stephen first of all, happy new year. Thank you, happy new year to you. Stephen now, does the new year have any particular astronomical significance . No. Stephen why not . Not, not stephen weve gone around the sun once. The place where we return to, theres nothing special or interesting about it. Its a completely arbitrary spot on the calendar that we have chosen to celebrate the new year. Plus its i think its a little weird that we all celebrate that instant that the ball drops, and then one hour later, they celebrate exactly the same thing, and then an hour later, an hour later they do that 24 times around the world. Stephen i know how clocks work, neil. laughter . Traditions. No, no. Stephen what do you love . What is worth celebrating . If its not new years almost every other holiday in the year has some astronomical basis. The chinese new year, the jewish new year, ramadan, easter, lent stephen toyotathon. All of it all of it. Saturnalia. Christmas stephen what does saturnalia have . Saturnalia, its back in the winter its sun is getting lower and lower in the sky each day and worry that maybe it will never come back. Stephen is saturn getting higher in the sky . No but saturn is the god you play to and celebrate. So saturnalia everything slips, the middle easter serves the slaves, the slaves give commands. Its an interesting roman tradition that is long gone. Stephen all right. But im saying its in that time of the year where the sun is basically reborn, s and christmas was put there to be a good place to sort of bring in all the paying an worshipers, who were already celebrating that time of year. Stephen and it worked. It work, oh, yeah. Stephen we won. So 2018, whats got you excited for 2018. laughter we won. What are you talking about . We won. Whats got you excited time, before telescopes were invented, these jesuit priests were put into the service of figuring out why the calendar was shifting in the year. Stephen am i correct in saying that it was a Catholic Priest who first proposed the idea of the big bang . Yes, george lematre, the big bang itself, using einsteins equations. Einstein could have done it, but he did enough. Stephen he was busy. Laid down the equations. Other people calculated with his equations and he deduced the history of the universe must have start wade bang. Stephen okay. Going to 2018 so catholics have been in there in multiple stephen you dont have to tell me. Okay. Stephen im team r. C. Now team roman catholic. Stephen yes, okay. applause now youre youre walking footnote, Neil Degrasse tyson. Okay. No, no, thats not how you ask it. Who was not with him . applause see . There you go. We cant see it . Right, its missing gravity rather than missing mass im sorry, its gravity with no known source. Stephen which is what i said. When is what i said a moment ago. Its dark gravity. Stephen wow. Is really what it is. Then then theres some mysterious pressure in the vacuum of space. Stephen what do you mean . Which we call dark energy. Beaut butt we should just call it fred and wilma i joke about this. We dont know what they are. Dont give it a name that makes people think we know what it is because we dont know what it is. Its a pressure in the vacuum of space forcing the universe to accelerate nonetheless expansion. And ive written about this because i lose sleep over this fact laughter can i share this . I dont want to be blamed significantly, that all the galaxies of the night sky will have accelerated beyond our horizon. Stephen what . All the galaxies are the source of our knowledge of cosmology, of the big bang, everything we know about the history of the universe comes to us from these galaxies. If they accelerate beyond our horizon, the next generation of cosmic explorers will only have the stars of the milky way to think about. And i so, theres an there would have been an entire chapter of the universe ripped from their view. And they will be trying to contemplate an understanding of the universe without a significant part of what its past was. And so i lose sleep wondering, today, was there some previous chapter ripped from the universe itself . And here we are laughter and here we are, you know, touching the e knowing that in fact theres an elephant standing there. Or maybe theres the shadow of the elephant, and the elephant has been moved. We dont know what we dont know. And this leaves me weak at night. I sliewz sleep over that. Stephen i am not going to get a wink. cheers and applause thats crazy. Hold on. Weve got to take a break. Well be right back with more Neil Degrasse tyson, everybody. cheers and applause we cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. I used to ask if you can hear me now, but i made the smart choice hi, im paul. And switched to sprint. These days all networks are great. So why would anyone pay twice as much with verizon. Now when you switch youll get thats 50 off the unlimited rates of the other guys. Its the best price for unlimited. vo dont let a 1 difference cost you twice as much. Plus, switch and get 50 off samsungs newest phones. Think about what you can do for people with hearing loss, with all that extra money. Visit sprintrelay. Com. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. applause . Our solar system, above the whats it called, the plane of the ecliptic . Sure. Stephen where the planets go around from above or below, or whatever, off the axis of where the planets go around. Planets do this around the sun. Stephen this came from deep space. First time ever an object from interstellar space has been observed to visit our solar system. Stephen now, this things got to be like a ship, right . That looks too much like a spaceship. This is not a photograph. Stephen what . This is an artists rendering. We know its elongated i dont believe laughter just into solar system s. Stephen which is why it has to be an alien spaceship. So, so laughter hyperbolic orbit, hyperbolic trajectory, we say hyper. Its got more energy. Stephen than a bolic. Its parabolic, for example. So, so, the reason why its probably not alien aliens is its trajectory around the sun was completely determined by Gravitational Forces. Stephen how do you know . Because bee know. We calculate this. There are laws of gravity, laws of physics. Stephen look, see this, see that . That trajectory was completely controlled by Gravitational Forces after it reached its peak up here and came back down, and yet a thinking creature started the process, okay. It doesnt mean if this came in and you go, oh, gravity did that. But somebody made it go to here. Checkmate cheers and applause parabolic parabli Stephen StephenStephen Stephen cheers and applause because its because a tennis ball would have that trajectory moving at that speed. Thats all. Stephen is there any chance . Not stephen that thats a tennis ball . No. laughter no, and by the way, big news was that the pentagon, was tracking ufos. You said you dont know what it is. You cant be certain of anything. Stephen im hoping. Im hoping, too. I want to meet the aliens. By the way, if you ever meet the aliens, they take you on board, first, take some photos, first. Second, when they do the sex experiments on you, okay laughter . Stephen extraordinary. Im delighted appetite is out there. Maybe it oppose doors for many more science books to appear there. Stephen do you have a favorite thing . Oh may i . Stephen its your book, man. Its your book. Oh, may i . Stephen sure. So reflections on the cosmic perspective. The words im about to read are not mine. Theyre by james ferguson, a physicist from the 1700s. If i may. Stephen you may. laughter faculties are enlarge with the grandeur of the ideas it conveys. Our minds exalted above their low, contracted prejudices. cheers and applause chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back nice man cave nacho . [ train whistle blows ] what . stop it mmhmm. Weve been saving a lot of money ever since we switched to progressive. This bar is legit. And now we get an even bigger discount from bundling home and auto. I can get used to this. A minute. Swing and a miss slam dunk touchdown together sports everybody. You know its no secret, talking space with tonights guest, Neil Degrasse tyson. In fact, ive always wanted to go up in space, particularly now. Thats why i went down to cape canaveral, florida, to the headquarters of nasa, to fulfill my dream of becoming an astronaut. Luckily, we brought cameras to fulfill my dream of providing content for this show. Please enjoy tonights late show classic. Jim. Recently the good people of nasa invited me to the Coast Guard Space center, where american heroes continue to shoot for the stars. One of those heres so commander chris ferguson. And liftoff. Stephen who pilot the the final mission of nasas iconic shuttle program. America will continue the dream. Stephen today, chris is the director of crew and Mission Operations for boeing, so i asked to meet him to see if i had the right stuff. To make it to space. laughter . Uh. laughter its a rocket. Astronauts go in. And the strapon boosters. Stephen do you guys always two two strapons . For this particular mission we do, yes. Stephen okay. But you can put up to five. Stephen you can use five strapons at once . Yes. Stephen wow, you really are back, is what im saying. With the technicalities behind us, it was time for me to try on boeings highly anticipated new space suit. Unlike the bulky suits of yesteryear, praised for its light weight, flexible design, it is the next generation of space suit. What do you think . laughter . Iphone with this. You can use an iphone. Stephen which is great because on reentry im going to be check my instagram. Very important. Stephen thats actually working. Look at that. Okay, lets get a selfie. laughter applause material, so when you stand up, its unflattering. Stephen you think im fat, just say so. You look fine. Stephen just say youre a little heavy and could use a few pounds. You could lose a couple of pounds. Stephen all right, forget it. Next it was on to the starliner capsule itself where i would be strapped down for an intensive interview. Cha type of technical degree do you have that may help on missions to the International Space station. Stephen i have a theater degree. I can act like i have technical skills. Watch this. Lets get the du1 on the donor. Im siptid, we are burning daylight. We are detoxing. Were stirring the oxygen. I just broke a switch. Im so sorry. What is the rcs1. I just snapped that puppy off. We need rcs1 to get home. Stephen what is it . Reaction control jet number one. Stephen how am i doing . How am i scoring so far . Switch is not going to reflect well upon you. Stephen im a lot stronger than i thought. Do you guys actually say, light this candle . We never say, light this candle. Stephen if i said, lets light this candle, no one would know what i mean. I would know exactly what you mean but the cooler astronauts dont say that. Stephen whats the cool thing to say . Were ready to fly. Stephen all right, thats cool. You ready to fly . Glerks. Stephen oh, lets light this candle. Youre not doing exceedingly well here. Stephen all right. Flying with a crew and living on the International Space station with other astronauts requires someone to be very flexible and get along with others. Stephen oh, yeah. Do you have any experience in this area. Stephen im flexible in terms of my needs. Is that important . Yes. Stephen another good. I just have a couple of things. I made a small list of things they need while im in orbit. I cant go anywhere without a lafanderscented candle. And i also have a Service Animal for anxiety. Its a possum. I bought it a little vest. And legally you have to let me take it because its a service possum. Im not sure if a possum is in the mix, stephen. Stephen again, its not a possum. Its a service possum. I can just put no here. Stephen how am i doing . Dipass . Oh aint snow stopping us now were going it space i had taken every test with flying colors and i couldnt wait to hear my crucial role would be in americas return to space. Were going to proclaim you the first honorary starliner astronaut commander in charge of sticker placement. cheers and applause . But on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. Like most people. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. Common side effects dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for forty bucks each. With netflix included. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. Lets rock this joint sometthats when he needs the way ovicks vaporub. s sleep. Proven cough medicine. With 8 hours of vapors. So he can sleep. Vicks vaporub. Goodnight coughs. Kick off the new year with a deal that will save you money for the next 2 years guaranteed. Fios is here with a great offer on the 100 fiberoptic network. It starts with the Fastest Internet available. Plus up to 200 channels. Plus phone, plus showtime for 2 years. Plus multiroom dvr service for 2 years. Plus a 2 year price guarantee. All for just 79. 99 per month online with a 2 year agreement. Thats a lot of pluses, and over 800 dollars in savings. Expect. Thats why fios has won the j. D. Power award for highest rank by customers for Residential Internet service in the east five years in a row. So get the Fastest Internet available tv and phone plus showtime and multiroom dvr Service Included with a 2 year price guarantee for just 79. 99 a month online with a 2 year agreement. Stuck in a contract no problem well help you out with up to a 500 dollar credit for your early termination fee. Get it all with fios. But hurry this offer ends january 17th. Go to getfios. Com dad promised he would teach me how to surf on our trip. When you book a flight then add a hotel you can save. 3 waves later, i think it was the other way around. Everything you need to go. Expedia. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena new puppy . New food, but theres so many choices at petsmart, we have the largest in store selection of blue buffalo pet food, including puppy solutions which are specifically formulated to support healthy growth and development. From grain free to meat rich recipes, wet food and even puppy training treats. Petsmart and blue buffalo have got you covered. And now, when you spend 50 on blue buffalo puppy products at petsmart, youll save 10 why shop anywhere else . Petsmart. For the love of pets. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Well, we made it the end of another week. Daddys going to get paid. Now lets take a fond look back at what theyre paying me for. This is the best of this weeks the late show. Stephen times square had the second coldest new years eve celebration on record. Its true. The ball did not drop so much as civille up and rise back into 2017. Come on down come on down since taking office i have been very strict on commercial aviation. Good news it was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record. Trump took credit for no one dying in a plane crash t year. laughter that explains his new campaign slogan, trump 2020 you got to tulsa, didnt you . Thought was some guy. laughter yeah, i i heard it, i was like, what did chad do so he thinks manafort, don jr. , and kushner did something treasonous, unpatriotic and bad bleep . Coincidentally, those are also their secret service code names. laughter trump fired back hard. now all he has to do is lose his dog, and hes going to have an awesome country song. cheers and applause still thank you very much. Kicked in. I apologized. laughter i said, sorry. He must not have heard what i said, because next thing he did, he pushed me, rims off the shirt he had on, and he goes, what . You think youre hard . I was like, now i am. laughter applause i didnt expect this to happen. laughter . laughter cheers and applause cheers and applause . If you take dofetilide or have liver problems. Serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. If youre female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. If you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. Tell your doctor if you have liver, kidney, or heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. Some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about any medicines or supplements you take. The most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. Im moving forward. With triumeq. To learn more, get this free kit at positivestepskit. Com. And ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you. Late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by liam neeson, james and a performance from andrew day and common. Go captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from yokohama, japan, give it up for your host, the one, the oy