Privilege. Plus stephen welcomes Sarah Paulson and john hodgman, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen whoo hi, everybody how are ya how are ya . good to see ya whats going on, everybody . Welcome one and all, children of all ages to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you very much big news from the trumprussia investigation. Yesterday, we finally got congressional testimony from donald trump jr. His grilling by the House Intelligence Committee lasted the first time a trump has put in a full work day. laughter don, jr. Was there answering questions about his infamous meeting with russian lawyer, natalia veselnitskaya. laughter as you recall, don, jr. Was there looking for dirt on hillary clinton. Back in june of 2016, right . Thats what the meeting was about. And everybody was there paul manafort, Jared Kushner it was a real whos who of who wants an orange jumpsuit . laughter when this story first came out this summer, don jr. Quickly issued a statement explaining the meeting was just about americans adopting russian children. But that statement was a lie. And it was dictated by donald trump to don, jr. Son, you can always trust me to be honest with you a h believe me. Also, never believe me. laughter yesterday, when the Congressional Panel asked don, jr. About his dads involvement, he didnt want to answer, so he cited attorneyclient privilege. I hereby invoke attorneyclient privilege, fatherson privilege, samename privilege, white privilege. Objection, your honor, sustained. Executive producer dick wolf. I rest my case. laughter now, don, jr. Is not a lawyer, but still claims attorneyclient privilege because there was a lawyer in the room during the discussion. Is that how it works . In which case, im going to rob a law firm. All right, everybody, hands in the air. Remember, none of you can testify laughter now, donald trump, jr. Has long insisted that there was no followup to his meeting with veselnitskaya. So, you know where this is going. Cnn got their hands on previously undisclosed emails that show a followup after the trump tower meeting. Wow. It seems like theres no end to the number of emails don, jr. Is hiding. We need to see them all. Can anyone help . Russia, if youre listening, i hope youre able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. Stephen thank you, concerned citizen. laughter applause cheers and applause the emails in question are from the man who set up the trump tower meeting, british publicist rob goldstone, seen here dressed as the star of president trumps recurring nightmare. Sources have insisted that the subject of the hack of the d. N. C. Was never brought up at the meeting. So, you know where this is going. One of the emails forwarded a cnn story on russias hack of the d. N. C. , describing it as eerily weird given what they had discussed at the trump tower meeting five days earlier. Oh, you dummy. Thats like forwarding an article about arson and saying this is eerily weird, given that warehouse we torched five days ago laughter donald trump, jr. Was asked about these emails yesterday, and he said he was not aware of them or could not recall the contents. Wow, two excuses look, i never got any emails, and furthermore, i dont remember what were in all those emails i got. Laugh but after his testimony, don, jr. Left in style. He posted this Instagram Photo of this trumphelicopter with the caption, time to roll. Ci right before he cut that deal with robert mueller. laughter applause piano riff but, donnie, time to roll . You left in a helicopter. It is literally one of the few vehicles that doesnt roll lets put the pedal to the metal in this hot air balloon now, while we still dont know the extent of russian meddling in the 2016 election, it seems pretty clear what they were after for america to lift our massive economic sanctions against them. Clearly, the sanctions are working especially in the clothing industry. Even the richest man in russia cant find a shirt. Remember, it was promising the russians hed end the sanctions, then lying about it, that brought down former National Security advisor and supreme allied commander of pouty michael flynn. laughter and, now, thanks to an anonymous whistleblower, we know that, during the transition, flynn told a business associate that the russia sanctions would be ripped up. So they could go ahead with their secret business deal a joint project to build Nuclear Reactors in the arab world. With . Any guesses . It rhymes with russia. Its russia. laughter could have been prussia. laughter in fact, flynn texted his Business Partner that the plan was good to go. And if all that wasnt ballsy enough, flynn sent the text while he was on the dais, during trumps inaugural address he was making secret russia plans while trump was being sworn in thats like interrupting your wedding to text your mistress. Yeah, i do hold on. You up . Im sorry, where were we . laughter one of these texts was apparently sent somewhere around 12 11. This is true lets see what trump was saying while flynn was thumbtyping his deal with russia. Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American Workers and american families. Stephen specifically, itll benefit mike flynn, and mike flynns family. Right, mike . Mike, who are you texting while im talking . Oh, the guys who gave me the election . Say hi. Now, while theres a lot of crazy news in national politics, lets not forget thats theres also some insane stuff going on at the local level. This week, in pennsylvania, something strange happened during what was supposed to be a runofthemill Committee Meeting on land use. There is a better way to do this, guys. We dont have to proceed on this one. I hear you, i understand theres some hard feelings. crosstalk representative bradford, look, im a heterosexual. I have a wife, i love my wife, i dont like men, as you might. But stop touching me all the time. Its like, keep your hands to yourself. Like, if you want to touch somebody, you have people on your side of the aisle that might like it. I dont. Stephen wow. I would hate to be that guys tailor. Look, im flattered, but i dont need a zipper for your easy access to my bathing suit areas. Im a straight heterosexual man male, who likes all the lady parts. I can name them. laughter now, whos the guy with the irresistibly sexy sleeve . Its state representative daryl metcalfe, a staunch opponent of samesex marriage who has said he does not believe in civil rights protections based on sexual orientation. And no surprise. After getting to second base with daryls arm, his handsy colleague revealed his gay agenda. I think wed be wise to keep to the topic of, as it turns out, landlocked easements. laughter stephen and we all know what landlocked easements means the nonpossessory right to use and or enter onto a parcel of land without public road access. But in a super gay way. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Sarah paulson is here. But when we return, i introduce you to an ordinary american hero. Stick around cheers and applause i want you to take it easy. Go slow. Come on mom lets go mom slow down for the ones who keep pushing. Always unstoppable. Whats this . Well, its google home mini. Its super helpful in the kitchen. So you know how you have to check the recipe every two seconds . Google home mini ill read the recipe one step at a time. Or you dont want to burn the chicken and apple roast . Google home mini timer for 20 minutes. Here we go. Or you know how you always use the last two eggs . Google home mini okay, ive added eggs to your shopping list. And because cooking is just better with a soundtrack. Whats your flava . Whats your flava . And when you forget what youre supposed to do next. Google home mini okay, ill repeat the last step. Its google home mini. Now only 29. But it might be hard to handle like the flame that burns the candle the candle feeds the flame potatoes at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin wthis weekend hundreds of deals up to 30 off with cartwheel in the target app. Save big with weekend deals every weekend. Only at target what if we could keep more amof what we earn . D. Trillions of dollars going back to taxpayers. Who could possibly be against that . Well, the National Debt is 20 trillion. As we keep adding to it, guess who pays the bill . Him. And her. And her. Congress, we should grow the economy. Not the debt. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon thank you, thank you stephen feels so good jon feels so good stephen well, listen, we just want to take a moment before we go on to the rest of the show to give a shout out to all our viewers, our friends and families suffering under the threat of the California Wildfires right now. Southern california there were, i think, hurricaneforce winds today whipping those fires to incredible blaze. It was already an unbelievable disaster and now its spreading even faster. Please, stay safe, take care of each other, which i know you are, and if you pray, pray for rain or at least that the winds will stop. applause yeah, i know, give it up for california. Theyve gone through a lot this year. Now, i know it seems like most of this show is spent talking about World Leaders or chatting with celebrities, but the late show is really about you, everyday americans. In these troubling times, youre the ones standing up and making a difference whether its running for office, picking up litter, or ceasing to wear socks with sandals, allen good god we all have to do our part. Which is why were launching a new segment to tell the stories of the american people. So tonight, im proud to present part one of my 323millionpart series, american voices and also faces. Jim . American voices and also faces. America, land of amber grain, purple mountains and glory holes. And there is no hole more glorious than jackson. Since the 1890s, jackson, wyoming, had its share of notable mayors, from americas first nerd cowboy lester l. May, to harold livingston, who was previously the mayor of cartoon town, to Henry Crabtree seen here with his human companion and, today, mayor pete muldoon. Im pete muldoon. Im the mayor of the wonderful town of jackson, wyoming. Stephen pete moved to this idyllic ski town 18 years ago. I moved out here to ski for a winter and thought i would move on and i never left. Stephen is the skiing that good . Weve got the best snow in the country. Stephen how good is it . Champagne powder. Stephen but today, hes no ski bum. Being mayor to the 10,000 residents of jackson is a full time job. Well, i work for sky west throwing bags. I have a band, a country band that i play in, and i run a small production company. And then im the mayor. Stephen in fact, housing is so expensive in jackson that the mayor has a roommate. Meet bobby. Bam, deputy mayor bleep right there. Backhand it, bang its back on. All right, sorry, what was the question again . Stephen bobby isnt just the mayors roommate. He was also a campaign advisor. I had a lady friend at the time that was in town, and she was wearing yoga pants, and she looked really awesome in these yoga pants. So we took her to albertsons and i put a couple of the stickers on those yoga pants, and there was not a single man in that store that did not look at those vote for pete muldoon stickers. Stephen and it worked. Yeah. Stephen but just as pete took office, a fever swept the country, and controversial landmarks commemorating americas embarrassing past were coming down. So pete decided to take down jacksons monument to americas embarrassing present the towns official portrait of donald trump. Dont get pete started on donald trump. Okay, somebody get him started. How much time do we have . Stephen just say anything. I think history will judge him. Stephen meow get this kitty a saucer. So, on a tuesday that will echo in history, pete, seen here in the mayor mobile, marched into town hall. Like washington diving into the delaware, like lincoln winning the battle of gettysburg, pete muldoon took a stand on top of a ladder. I walked into town hall one day and took the portrait down off the wall. And i handed it to my vice mayor and asked him to do something with it. Stephen but the backlash was swift, and the anger started in a place you would never guess. I think it started with a faceook post. Stephen oh, okay, thats where i guessed. Then, next thing you know, conservative radio host, and im guessing a great whistler, zeb bell weighed in. This arrogant and pompous clean it up, zeb, watch your thoughts. Stephen dont hold back, zeb. Let her rip. This pompous mayor. Stephen uh, oh, he dropped the m. Word . Over in jackson, wyoming, a leftwing loon, is amazing. Next thing we knew, it was front page of fox news. The angry emails and Death Threats started rolling pretty quick. Stephen but this wasnt the first time the mayor had faced political controversy. Once again, bobby i came home one day, and the newspaper was right here and pete was a little upset. And i said, whats going on . He said, did you read the front page . And i said, yeah. He said, they printed it on there that i was doing cocaine off of a womans stomach. And i go, so did you . Bull bleep because i was doing cocaine off of her bleep . Stephen is this true, mr. Mayor . Weve got the best snow in the country. Stephen seriously . Champagne powder. Stephen okay, that has nothing to do with what we are talking about today. We just wanted to hear bobby tell that story. laughter bleep yeah. Stephen meanwhile, this portrait situation was serious. So serious that his band, major zephyr, was fired from their weekly gig. The band actually needed that. Its another source of revenue, you know . Now the mayors back down to six jobs. Hows he going to survive . Stephen but gig or no gig, cowboys dont stand down. So when the town called for a vote to restore the portrait to town hall, pete made an impassioned plea. I continue to respectfully oppose the display of president ial portraits. Stephen anyway, he lost, and he had to put the portrait back up. sad music but because he stood up for what he believed in for like a week, maybe a week and a half, the late show has commissioned this portrait capturing the courageous moment when pete took down the other portrait. May future generations of jackholians will always remember mayor pete muldoon. American voice, american face. cheers and applause stephen thank you, pete Sarah Paulson is here. And later, i check in with my favorite internet movie reviewer. Stick around cheers and applause band playing toasting dad im not one but heres to. To many more years of friendship. And feasts crowd [laughing, cheering] to presents a mi familia que lo es todo. To being right here, right now, with you. Sfx dog bark. And you. Toasting dad i guess what im trying to say is, heres to family. Lue every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. I just want to find a used car start at the new carfax. Com show me used trucks with one owner. Pretty cool. [laughs] ah. Ahem. Show me the carfax. Start your used car search at the allnew carfax. Com. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, youre in people v. O. J. Simpson, and has starred in all seven seasons of American Horror story. Please welcome Sarah Paulson cheers and applause band playing there was a screamer stephen yeah, nice to see you again. Nice to see you. Stephen always lovely to talk to you. Is it . Stephen no, it really is. Is it always lovely to talk . No. Stephen okay. I know thats the wrong thing to say. Stephen how are you . Im okay. Stephen yeah . Im dealing with normal human anxiety and fear and coupled with whats happening in our country, its laying me out. Stephen you have a twitchy eye . I do. Stephen this stop twitching either. Its been twitching since january 20. Stephen im afraid to examine why it might be twitching. Dont go there. No looking inside. Stephen not till the shows over. People dont want to see me cry. They might, actually. Stephen no, thats cruel. Not from a pain, but just, like, look at him weeping. Stephen look at him weeping. Thats hilarious. That is so funny. Stephen now, you have been what do you do to get away from the news because thats what i need. I need to get away from the news for a little while. I dont have the luck of what youre able to do which is funnel your feelings into your comedy. Stephen but you get to go be an actress and pretend youre in a world thats different. Right, but its pretend. Stephen but American Horror story seems very appealing. I think it should be called American Horror story, current events. Stephen well, the thing is that i dont know whether you have time to worry because, in the past 18 months, strap in here, won an emmy, golden sag award, two seasons of American Horror story, in speilbergs of the post, oceans eight. Ratchet, glass, bird box, talks to star in the gold finch. That sounds amazing from the outside because people have moments, this is a Sarah Paulson moment. Yeah, makes me so uncomfortable. Stephen what, being successful . Yeah, i can sort of only identify myself when im striving towards something and now people are calling me and its a very strange phenomenon. Stephen that people want you. Yeah, and i used to in the early part of my career going to an audition and i miss begging them to hire me. Stephen really . I was a young actor and auditions are terrible. I love them. Stephen you dont get these anymore . I havent the been to one in a while. Stephen all right, great. Is it sarah. Stephen thats wonderful. Id like to go again. Stephen you made super specific choices. Im not leaving. Stephen really great. Security, can you send in the next girl, please . No, i get really like rocky balrockybalboa. You just tell me to get out of here. Stephen does that work . Wouldnt you want to keep me in the room. Stephen till the orderlies could arrive. You just tell me whenio get out of here stephen okay, now, lets talk about the post. Really looking forward to this movie. Its you, its speilberg, tom hanks, meryl streep and its the story of the pentagon papers published by post in this case. I play the wife of tom hanks whos the editorinchief of the Washington Post and meryl streep plays kay graham, whose husband died and she had not taken the position and when he died she became commanderinchief. Stephen and for those of you who do not remember daniel elseberg who is still with us and interesting guy and he had his own brave choice which was to bring forth the plans to expand a war in vietnam. A time in history when an administration was systematically lying to the public and congress, and i dont know why that feels so relevant. laughter stephen and secret plans. Ecret plans. Stephen and the New York Times tanned the Washington Post racing to get the story out before anybody else. Yeah. Stephen it really is resonant with whats going on right now, and so whats happened is the times has already gotten told by the Supreme Court they need to cease and desist. Stephen they said New York Times you cant accomplish it but then the post you cant publish them but the post gets them. They could lose everything. Kay graham, this paper had been in her family. It was her legacy. It was her family. It was emotional, not just a business decision. Women at that time, and were in a new world order currently where she didnt really have a voice and she didnt know how to use it and she found a way to do it. Stephen whats happening in this clip. Do you know . No. Stephen okay. Its you and tom hanks. And tom hanks and i and i believe tony bradley is a sculptor and artist and its a scene where he comes to me and thinks hes being brave for publishing it and i have to set him straight hes not the brave one. Youre very brave. But kay, kay is in a position she never thought she would be in, a position im sure plenty of people dont think she should have. And when youre told time and time again that youre not good enough, that your opinion doesnt matter as much, when they dont just look past you, when, to them, youre not even there, when that the been your reality for so long, its hard to not let yourself think its true. So to make this decision, to risk her fortune and the company thats been her entire life, well, i think thats brave. cheers and applause all im thinking about when im watching that is thats some wig. Stephen i would have totally thought that was your hear. You were acting like that was your hair. Thats my job, acting like the hair was sprouting out of my head that way. Stephen had you ever done a movie with speilberg. Hadnt been in a room with Steven Speilberg before. Stephen oh, wow. I got a call saying would you like to meet Stephen Speilberg about this movie . I had to think about it. I felt appaplectic. I was saying, you try to get me out of there, stephen i was waiting for him to walk in. The door opened, i heard harp music, and like a mirage, like i had been stranded in the sahara desert. Its like a waivey camera. It looked like 1994. I stood up and said youre Stephen Speilberg. He said youre Sarah Paulson. I said right but youre Stephen Speilberg. Every day on the set i would say good morning Stephen Speilberg. He said you can call me stephen. I said, no, you cannot, youre shtephen speilberg. laughter jesse clemens, cross, all these people, every morning in the trailer, have you been sleeping . No, i didnt sleep at all. Stephen when did you start on this movie . In june. It was fast. We turned this pup yarned super quick. Stephen thought you made it a year ago and had no idea donald trump was going to be president. Oh, no, he was there. Stephen lovely to see you again. Thanks, man. Theaters friday december 22. Sarah paulson, everybody. Well be right back with movie reviewer gil peaches and a surprise guest. Dont go away play the peter bjorn and john song forces to enunc called young folks on spotify. You talk like this hey google, play that hipster song with whistling. young folks plays its google home mini. Now only 29. Its google home mini. Im an outdoorsman. So ive asked chase sapphire reserve cardmembers to find my next vacation. Chile, whats going on . Im at the el tatio geysers. Geezer. Geyser. Geezer. Geyser. Enough. Geezer. Whoaa, wooooo. Dude, be careful. I think you should come camping. Why would i camp in the atacama desert . 3x points on travel and restaurants on every continent. Sapphire reserve, from chase. Make more of whats yours. cough its just a cough. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin soothes in seconds and delivers fast, powerful cough relief for hours. giggling robitussin dm max. Because its never just a cough. its red lobsters new ultimate surf turf event. Get ready these 5 pairings are gonna floor ya. Like our new feast with lobsterwrapped scallops and a juicy sirloin, plus a savory lobsterandshrimp smashed potato. And our new lobster and seafoodtopped filet . Every bite is better than the last. The classic is here too. Come indulge in surf turf like youve never had it before its too late. And weekdays, create your own seafood lovers lunch for just 9. 99. Pushed well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody you know, folks, its almost oscar season, and this is going to be an exciting one. Unless oscar gets accused of sexual harassment. I wouldnt be surprised. The guys wearing nothing but a sword. I dont have time to see all of the big award contenders, so before i buy a ticket, i turn to the only reviewer i trust gil peaches, and his youtube channel, not at the movies, with gil peaches. Lets check in with him now. cheers and applause hello, im gil peaches. Welcome to not at the movies with me, gil peaches. Hello, im gil peaches. Oscar season is here, that time each year when my uncle oscar invites me over to watch the super bowl. Also, theres a ton of great movies out right now. As always, ive seen all the biggest films of the year, except unfortunately, employees only, because i keep getting yelled at when i try to enter that theater. The first movie getting some buzz is three billboards outside ebbing, missouri. This movie raised some big questions, like which three billboards were they talking about . I checked my google streetview and there are hundreds of billboards in missouri. Many of them are for places called gentlemans clubs, but for some reason, only have photos of women. Mixed message. I give this movie three billboards and a missouri. laughter cheers and applause well i enjoyed it very much. Stephen oh, great. I forgot to mention that todays cohost is my pretentious cousin, phil peaches. Its actually philliam peaches, iv. Its good to see you, cousin, or as they say in europe, cuisine. And i loved three billboards. Mcdormands performance can only be described as a tour de france. Thus, i give it my fanciest rating five packets of mcdonalds fancy ketchup. Stephen there you go with your coastal elitism. Philliam, what are you drinking . Sophisticated urbanites like myself drink cucumber water. Need i remind you, ive been to ann arbor . Stephen i was wondering how long it was going to take you to bring that up again . Well, its true. Stephen and so is the fact that you had to call me to come pick you up. For i am afraid of buses. Stephen the next m was lady bird, which, once i got to the theater, i discovered was not a movie about l. B. J. s wife, making my cosplay extremely out of place. Especially because you were dressed as batman. The movie was part drama and part comedy, or as we cinephiles call it a dromedary. Because nothing is sadder or funnier than a onehumped camel. Stephen it was the beautiful story of a teenage girls relationship with her mom. Which really spoke to me, because i am also a parent, to stephanie. How is stephanie . Stephen were not speaking right now. I know, she told me. Stephen all in all, i give lady bird two l. B. J. s, and a batman. Well, i adored ladybird. It had everything us artistic types love smoking, crying, and a leading role played by an actress with an unpronounceable name. Bravo to you, snowshoe roland. I give this movie four nobel prizes and a poet laureate. Stephen the last movie were reviewing this week is vacationland by john hodgman. Oh, what a stinker i couldnt even fit it in my vcr. And talk about boring look at this its all words the whole movie is basically subtitles. If i wanted to read, id buy a book. Specifically, this book. Vacationland is a hit movie waiting to happen. Many blockbuster franchises start out as books harry potter, the hunger games. And fast and furious is based off of sense and sensibility. laughter they really took a lot of liberties with that one. I know for a fact that jane austen could not drive stick. Stephen even though it is not yet a movie, im giving vacationland my highest possible rating one star well, perhaps ill give it another shot on my ride back to the big city. Stephen which i am giving you, because you are afraid of buses. Until next time, this is not at the movies, with me, gil peaches. And me, philliam peaches iv. Stephen . Reminding you just because you buy a ticket doesnt mean theyll let you sleep on the floor. laughter cheers and applause me, righ . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Available at all major carriers. Hi, i need your help. S for ive been trying to find. A knee specialist. But nobody has an opening for months uuuggghhh uuurrrggghhh mr. Powers . You cant always control your feelings. I found one innetwork next tuesday. But choosing unitedhealthcare can help you control your care. Thanks, stephanie. I see on your preventive checklist, its covered at no additional cost to you. Great no green. Unitedhealthcare wthis weekend hundreds of deals up to 30 off with cartwheel in the target app. Save big with weekend deals every weekend. Only at target this new day looks nothing like yesterday. Trails are covered. Paths arent what they used to be. Roads nowhere to be found. and its exactly what youre looking for. it feels good to be back. cheers and applause band playing you know when your hands are covered in flour or, ew chicken gizzards. And you go to check the recipe and. Wait ugh the screen locked and your hands are still dirty instead hey google, whats the next step . Google voice mix the eggs with the flour. Its google home mini. Now only 29. But it might be hard to handle like the flame that burns the candle the candle feeds the flame topped steak twisted potatoes at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest is a bestselling humorist, podcaster, and former daily show contributor. Please welcome john hodgman cheers and applause band playing stephen nice to see you again. Its so nice to see you. Thank you for having me. Stephen pleased to have you here. I shared the stage with you many times. We were at th the daily show together. Nine years. Stephen everyone had a character. What was your character . How did you find yours. Mine was Giraldo Rivera mixed with stone phillips. What was yours . A long time i was a lunatic academic. A few years ago, i needed to mix it up. I started to wandering on to cable news sets and spouting conspiracy theories about obamas birth, allowed because he was arguably rich. He was donald trump. I said we need one of those for the daily show, a rich white jerk that wanders opened and spouts nonsense. Stephen that was long before he was running for president. Yes. The deraked millionaire was born as a response to trump. As he was getting more serious about runnin running for presidi was, like, this is not fun for me anymore. Stephen you have a book. Yes, i do. I wrote it. Stephen you have a book, its called vacationland. The first half is about your time in rural massachusetts. Right, im not a creature of the countryside you wouldnt know it to look at me. Stephen you could be a ge 18th century. Im an asthmatic nerd who doesnt belong in the country. Stephen how do you do . Not well, terrified most of the time. In my early 30s, my mom and dad had a little house in rural massachusetts and my mom passed away and left it to me. My dad said, heres how you run the house. I said i dont understand this. He said, you have to take the garbage to the dump because there is no trash collection. He said if you go to the donald trump and they ask you where you live, lie to them. He said tell them that youre staying with jackie brown in coal ring. Now, my father is not a fan of jackie brown, she was my moms friend who lived in the town where the dump was. My dad explained we were breaking the rules by going to the curve because we were in the wrong town. Stephen did your town have a dump . No. Stephen what do they do with their barge . Barge . Their garbage . I still dont know. I had to rehearse, stay with jackie in coal ring. I dont want to break the rules, i want to follow the rules perfectly so that everyone will approve of me and love me in the world and lying to these dumpmen seemed like a real quick ticket to disapproval. So i was full of fear every time i went there and, after seven years, they had never asked. And then after seven years something happened. Stephen what happened . Jackie brown died. I dont know why youre laughing. It was very sad. laughter stephen did the dumpman know . I didnt know what to tell them now. Stephen and what is a dumpman . A dumpmans the guy who works at the dump. I dont know if thats an official title. Stephen second half of the book is your rural time in maine. Yes. Stephen why do you have two different rural times . If you dont do well in one rural area, why are you doubling down on the i had hoarded five years of garbage in my garage. laughter the book follows adventures in rural massachusetts, the painful beaches of Coastal Maine where my wife assured me i will accept my death, and the ocean is made of hate and wants to kill you. You get in there and your body screams hypothermia before it dice. Stephen whats the fourth. A haunted forest of middle age which connects the two, that leads from my youths to my death which is what im experiencing and i grew this horrible beard. All men have to grow facial hair to announce to the world, im done. Stephen i find the older i get and the less testosterone i produce, the more i start to look like an older woman, and i want to grow a beard bee secondary male sex characteristic. Yeah. Its a good way to tell the world that you no longer deserve physical affection. Stephen true. Your evolutionary purpose is served, children are out there, goodbye forever. Stephen you have a podcast called judge john hodgman where you render judgments on domestic squabbles. Whats the current one. Is a hot dog a sandwich. Stephen no. It is meat between two slices of bread. Want me to explain it. Stephen sure. How much time do you have and a chalkboard. Stephen 15 seconds. Hot dog is a sandwich, premise. Disprove it . Can we find a falsifying consequence. Yes. What does a hot dog have not every sandwich has. Whale you do with a hoagie or grindeyo you never cut it in half. Stephen its a hamburger sandwich. A hamburger. Stephen a hamburger is not a sandwich. You have to accept this. Stephen wait a second. I have to accept it . You do and heres why. Stephen why is the hot dog the exception that proves the rule. No, its the exception that proves the exception. laughter if a hot dog bush is a taco a sandwich. Stephen no. Of course not, that would be cultural appropriation, sandwich racism. But you stephen its not sandwich anymore than a schmor is a sandwich. I said meat between two slices of bred. Wheres your logic now . Stephen what about a subway . What about a sub . Is a suba isnt witch . Sandwich . Yes. Stephen its a hinged loaf. Do you cut it in half . Stephen no. Ure you do. Stephen i dont. What do you say of six inches. Stephen i will say anything to win this argument. Let me tell you, if you say a hot dog is a sandwich, everything is a sandwich because after all what are we if not meat wrapped in fibers . Stephen i would be honored to be a sandwich. I identify with a sandwich community. Then you are a sandwich and all my clothing is made of bread. Stephen john, thank you so much. Stephen the book is vacationland. John hodgman, everybody well be right back music i was diagnosed with hiv in 2016, but i didnt want my life to just. Stop. I wondered if starting treatment would put my life on hold. My doctor and i chose triumeq, it seemed like the right fit for me. Triumeq is one pill a day. With or without food. Now, im moving forward with triumeq. Triumeq treats hiv1 in adults, and does not cure hiv or aids. Dont take triumeq by itself if youre resistant to any of its ingredients. Dont take triumeq at all if youre allergic to any of its ingredients, or have a certain gene variation. Serious or fatal allergic reactions have occurred with triumeq and other abacavir containing medicines. Symptoms may include fever, rash, nausea, and vomiting. For a full list, see the warning card that comes with your medicine. If you have an allergic reaction, dont take triumeq. Or the medicines in it again. Dont take triumeq if you take dofetilide or have liver problems. Serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. If youre female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. If you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. Tell your doctor if you have liver, kidney, or heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. Some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about e most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. Im moving forward. With triumeq. To learn more, get this free kit at positivestepskit. Com. And ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you. cheers and applause stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mark hamill and bobby flay. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, kobe bryant, and morgan freeman. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from central