[ cheers and applause an jimmy thk you very much. That was great thank you, welcome [ cheers and applause thanks, that was great relax. Welcome,elcome, welcome to the tonight show, everybody. This is it youre here. Appreciate it. Look, i know youre all just clappi for the air conditioning but im still glad youre here [ light laughter ] were in the middle of a giant heat wave right now with temperatures in the 90s. Its crazy out there i sat on a bench for two minutes. When i got up, my pants had grill marks. [ laughter ] steve really jimmy i saw that officials are telling people that beer beer is not a good way to stay hydrated and that you should drk water. When new yorkers heard that, theyre like, okay, coors light it is. [ laughter ] [ applause ] well, you guys, this heat wave is really intense. Th kind of weather can be pretty rough so here now with some tips on how to beat the heat are the roots. Questlove thanks jimmynd [ cheers applause so tip number one, stay out the sun and drink lots of water. Tariq ah, its a good one. Heres what you should do. You get yourself a klondike r and use it like a bar of soap. [ laughter ] take yo pants off, then remember youre at work and put them back on [ laughter ] close your eyes picture a penguin, big, cute, slippery, like an oversized ed toucan wearing a t [ light laughter ] do what i do. Pe put your touin the freezer, so when you glue it on your head in the morning [ laughter ] it keeps your dome ice cold. [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you. Thank you for the tips i appreciate it. Thank you very much, roots this isnt good. I heard that the heat could cause another blackout here in new york [ audience ohs ]ou think that when youre stepping into an elevator with your annoying co worker alright, its like [ laughter ] dont die on me now, power. Ou how wassummer . Not good. Thats right officials think there will be more blackouts at some point yep, they know something bad is coming, but they cant sayen wh trump on twitter like following [ laughter ] have you been following this last night, the house approved a resolution to condemn trumps racist tweets. Its the first time its happened since William Howard taft. Ke, wow, what did he tweet . [ laughter ] speaking of social media, this is going viralen everybodys be using this app called faceapp have you guys heard of it . [ cheers ] its creepy. Its creepy. Te it has a filthat shows what you look like when youre older. For example, heres a photo of me, and heres me with the wow. Er [ laughter ]ng i a try, including some people in washington and the results are kind of surprising take a look. Res president s son eric trump heres him with the filter [ laughter ] [ applause ] heres cnn host anderson cooper. Heres what he looks like with the filter [ laughter ] up next is treasury secretary steve mnuchin. Here he is with the filter [ laughter ] heres Vladimir Putin. Heres him with the old filter [ laughter ] and finally, heres a photo of Bernie Sanders and here he is as an old man [ laughter ] [ applause ] that was pretty good steve wow. Very realistic jimmy at was pretty good steve wow. Jimmy oh, this is big. Ic today, the mex drug lord el chapo was sentenced to life in prison. He has to turn over 12. 6 billion in drug money. En rump was like, see, i told you mexico would pay for the wall [ laughter ] i told you. O thats made with the worldsro hottest pepper, the na reaper steve oh jimmy for people who walk into taco bell and think, how could i make this bad decision evenorse. [ laughter ] heres a crazy story the owners of a miami restaurant called bacon bitch is suing the owners [ laughter ] they almost dont need even jokes. Yeah laughter ]ah jimmy the owners of a miami ughter ]nt called ba[ n bitch. Is it bacon bitch steve bacon, or it, bacon, bitch jimmy yeah steve i dont know [ applause ] wheris the emphasis . Jimmy bacon yeah, okay. All rit. Steve yeah, you know jimmy anyways, the owners ant bacon bitch are suing the owners of a san diego restaurant called Breakfast Bitch [ laughter ] steve breakfast, bitch jimmy okay [ laughter ] steve is that how that one is jimmy for stealing their idea yeah, experts say it could be the first case where the judge asks, how do yobitches plead . [ laughter ] [ applause ] bitch please and finally, i read about a man in belgium who just set the Guinness World record for siing on a toilet for 116 straight hours [ audience ohs ] he wasnt trying to break a record Carolina Reaper burrito. [ cheers and applause we have a great show tight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much, roots. [ cheers and applause thank you, roots thank you, higgins guys, make sure thank you for being here tonight ke sure you tune in tomorrow night. Because were going to be unveiling our five books for our annual book club that we do steve oh jimmy tonight show summer reads. We did it last year. What i do is i give you five books. I briefly explain what they are. Icand then, you vote on whone were all going to read together then well all buy the book and have a book club but yeah, reading is good. [ cheers and applause i dont care what anyone says. Steve yeah jimmy we did it last year. It was fun we did it was tomi adeyemi. Lo children of b and bone was the book and its still on the bestseller list from last year so i mean, it crushed. As it wreat and we all read it and it was cool. And i think its turning into a movie. Im not guaranteeing its going to happen. Ng steve right. Thats what im sayi [ laughter ] jimmy every book steve youre not making it, yeah jimmy yeah but its going to be fun anyways. So thats tomorrow nightiv well have ourfinalists. And then, i want you guys to vote and tell me which one we should all read. It will be good. [ cheers and applause saguys, you know how they a picture is worth 1,000 words well, its also worth one meme ill show you what im talking about. Its time for this week in memes. Us [ cheers and applae jimmy heres a photo of joe biden. His meme says, when youre at sunday brunch and your friend starts telling you what you said last ght. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Xt nes a classic photo of an owl. This meme is called, when the barber spins you around to look at your new haircut. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you . Next is a photo of queen elizabeth. Her meme is called, when you spot your man with a random girl in the park. [ laughter ][ applause ] very interesting. But stupid. [ laughter ] next, a pho of attorney general william barr his meme says, when the music teacher gives himself a solo in the end ofhe year concert. [ laughter ] [ applause ] just let the kids perform. Heres kate middleton. Her meme says, when luke p. Tells hannah he doesnt want her hooking up with any other bachelors. [ laughter ] [ applause ] next is a photo of prince louie [ audience aws ] his meme says, when paw patrol is a rerun. [ laughter ] its like, oh, man. And finally, a photo of Vladimir Putin his meme says, when youre trying to look sexy at the club after six vodka tonics. [ cheers and applause that was this week in memes. We will be right back with joel mchale. [ eers and applause thank you for watching come on ba they say were too grown for fun we say playfuls never done dont fight the feeling just let it flow stack it up, rack it up, let it go i got a secret the world should know lets stay playful, oreo protect your p with the 1 name in flea and tick protection. Frontline plus. Trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ll show you something. Neeeeeewwww. Ill show you something, ll show you something. Guys ive got an idea. Ooh what is it . So people love iphone xr, right . Well, it does have an incredible camera. And it comes in all those amazincolors. Uhhuh. What if we give the people iphone xr when they join tmobile . Iphone xr on us . Yeah. Iphone xr on us. At whs not to love about that for a limited time, join tmobile and get the awesome iphone xr on us. Need help paying for college . So. Everyone. Strayer has graduation fund. Fi sh your bachelors degree an with tuitionfree classes in your last year. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest hosts the new edition of card sharks, which you can see wednesdays at 9 00 p. M. On abc please welcome, joel mchale, everybody. [ cheers and applause jimmy that is how you make an entrance, joel mchale welcome to the show. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Es, yes. Jimmy welcome back to the show, you know how to ma an el, howve you been . Thank you for coming back and seeing us. Thank you for having me and thank you for the greatest audience on the planet jim oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause thats pandering p andering just pandering you look terrific by the way jimmy thank you very much. A lot of botox no [ laughter ] just down the center. Jimmy just down the one side its weird. Immy start with the left side and see if i like it, you know and then, if i like it, then ill do the right side oh, all right jimmy yeah, th is how i smile. [ laughter ] hey, thank you for being here because im happy that youre no, thank you jimmy no, thank you. Thank you for the blackout. My jimnow is that a is that ring . What is it oh, yeah no, you have inspired this this is my wedding ring, you guys [ chee and applause j my sorry, ladies. Yeah, its made of rubber because after hearing, seeing what happened with your finger and you had a metal ring that got caught and turned your finger into a little deli. [ laughter ] and i said, im getting i got rid of my ring jimmy im so happy yeah, i got rid of my ring. Dated for a few months and then no [ laughter ] jimmy thats ridiculous. No, so i bought the rubber one. Jimmy im so happy you have that thats good for you. I think rings are too theyre too strong [ light laughti ] yesree. I mean, you are the perfect you should be the spokesperson for rubber rings jimmy thank you. [ light laughter ] see, thats the nicest thing that anyones ever i wiltalk to them i know that you need the money, so i will i know you need a couple extra bucks. Yy know why you know wh im happy that youre here, because im happy that youre alive. Oh thank you. Jimmy and survived what i think is one of the craziest things anyones ever done you swam with sharks oh, i thought you were going to say have coffee with butter in it, but no jimmy thats up there thats up there, thats number two, but yeah, or texted without auto correct, so yes. Jimmy explain thats a shark. Jimmy thats real. Thats a great ite, right there. [ laughter ] jimmy that is not. Thats a great white. Jimmy thats a great whitet thais nemo. Jimmy just a great white backing up on me okay, yes, of course. Yes, okay, thats me s as you can, that is im smelling fear, and i [ ght laughter ] jimmy what was this, this is shark week . No, its called mid life crisis [ laughter ] jimmy ive seen that show, oh, yeah im starring in it right now, yeahk shark w rob riggle is hosting this special called shark trip eat, pray, chum. [ laughter ] and we theres five celebrities, who we all die. And [ light laughter ] jimmy no i love rob rigley, hes a funny guy. Hes so funny, and then, its Anthony Anderson and damon wayans, jr. And adam devine. They said, would you like to go to the bahamas and swim with arks and that seemed like a good idea and then then they said, doo know how to scuba dive . And i was like, yeah. And they go, really . And i was like, no. [ laughter ] and so, then they go,re g. [ laughter ] and no, and then, we went down there, and theres 25 sharks. Theres ch and all as well, our shark expert is missing a hand and foot. Jimmy stop i w ch jimmy stop it. Yeah, which you go, are you really an expert . [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, in air quotes. Right, and Anthony Anderson was there, who i thought i was i thought i was outgoing like a golden retrietir, like always wan approval from people he walks through we were at this place called atlantis he walks through the casino. Everyone starts recognizing him, and hes like, are we taking pictures, mother[ bleep ] . [ laughter ] and i am not kidding, and then, he has a meet and greet for an hour with everybody coming up to him jimmy yeah, yeah hes the nicest dude. He can heal people jimmy no, he cannot. [ laughter ] no, no, he made this lady walk. Jimmy no, i want to hear i want to hear you did your first standup special is coming out. This is a big deal because ive known you for a while. Ive seen your standup but i didnt know i thought you i assumed that you already had one. Iid too [ laughter ] and then, it turns out i didnt [ laughter ] it was actually Jim Gaffigans special. [ laughter ] jimmy but u enjoyed it youre like, oh, im funny. Im killing it right now. Jimmy man, im hilarious youre going to start needing glasses. Jimmy but this is called, live from pyongyang . Is this true yeah, live from pyongyang. Which is the capital of north korea. Jimmy so you did your first standup special from north korea . No [ laughter ] it was san jose. For real yeah, no, which is very similar to north korea [ laughter ] theres jimmy san jose, california yes, no i just decided id call it that so people would ask me if i had gone to north korea. I would be in jail if i did it there. Jimmy yeahgo and this ig to air on amazon its going to be on amazon and myspace. Laughter ] its going to be huge. Jimmy wow, oh, my god. [ cheers and applause its on friendster. Jimmy friendster friendster, a. O. L jimmy thats my favorite show i love friendster. Oh. Jimmy yeah now do you have to pay for what you just sang i dont believe i sang it long enough to pay for or you could just sayi i dont know what s singing. Jimmy yeah, but i was off one note so i would be like [ laughter ] i feel like thats the end of the song, or, like, a fake commerci break jimmy like, i mean, theres certain songs. Like if its the beatles or something, i cant sing any of the beatle hy jimmy i can go like its so expensive to pay, to clear. Oh, right jimmy so i can go, like hey thats it. [ laughter ] until what you just gathered now, could you go help [ laughter ] jmy no you couldnt pay for help. What if youre in trouble . Jimmy well, if youre in trouble if youre in help, no we cant legally yell jimmy the beatles have that trademarked. But if i said, help my jwe have to go we have to yell crisis. [ laughter ] oh. Jimmy if youre in trouble, you go, crisis. What if i go crisis crisis i need someone j immy yeah, you can do can we do cris crisis i need someone crisis i need someone crisis i need someone crisis oh, yeah, youre allowed to do that, of course. [ cheers aat applause ths totally legal. You can totally do that. You are getting so sued. [ laughter ] jimmy congrats on the standup special, i want to see you swimming with sharks and then, watch this segue, youre also hosting card sharks. And thats how you do it, folks. [ cheers and applause thats hes a professional. Thats why his name is on the cup, okay . Jimmy thank you very much. Y no, i host a game show on abc jimmy what is everyone is hosting these shows now alec baldwin was hosting match game. Yes Jimmy Elizabeth banks is hosting press your luck . Yes were bringing all the game shows back from the 70s and ll jimmy what is card sharks . What is the i dont know. [ laughter ] jimmy didnt you find out en you do it its a very simple game, where you just get all right, its a high low game of cards, where a card gets put up, and it will be a four. Do you think the next card will be higher or lower jimmy yes. Thas okay. [ laughter ] youve already you have to say whether jimmy how long is the show how long is the show this show or jimmy no card sharks. Well, its an hour long, but jimmy of that . [ laughter ] wait a minute i see what youre doing. Jimmy is it that for an hour it is that for an hour. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god i know. Jimmy i feel like you have to do a lot of you gotta do a lot of stalling. D oh, yeah, ia lot of do you think this will be [ laughter ]wer, dont answer. Jimmy well have the answer right after the break. [ light laughter ] theres 18 commercial breaks [ laughter ]he and by the end, by tnd of the show jimmy one person says if a a card is higher or lower. Jimmy right. Its been a four for 58 minutes [ laughter ] and then i go, jimmy fallon. Jimmy yes. Thanks for being on thow jimmy no problem again, do you think, now that weve reached the end here, higher or lower than a a four . Jimmy dont, my nephew is in the audience. [ laughter ] your nephew has a very deep voice. [ ughter ] lower, jimmy. [ laughter ] lower, say it. Jimmy lower. Im a well be here next week to t jimmys answer. [ laughter ] jimmy i do know the game card sharks now that youve told me. Em i dober this and so, but people win a lot of money. Okay, so, yeah, i mean, its like saying tennis is just a a simple game, where two people bhave nets and they throwl over jimmy yeahng theres wageri right, it can get up to 690 grand. And so jimmy why not 700,000 . [ laughter ] because we want you to talk about it [ laughter ] and youre talking about it. Jimmy yeah i really am it must be fun to no, and i this young woman won like 250,000 wi the turn of a card, and shes a single mom, and i dont have eaa heart, i have a ball bng right here, and it just spins around and its cold and then, all of a sudden, its like i become the grinch with growing two hearts at once because shes crying, and en i start crying and then, shes like, im going to buy a house. And im like, well, not in l. A. , but yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy oh my. You gotta tune in, card sharks. [ cheers and applause 9 00 p. M. On abcnesd well be right back with marc maron stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applae stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applae people know aflac. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest is a very talented actor and comedian hes thedcost of the wtf pot and stars in the new film sword of trust, which is in select theaters now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome marc maron heers and applause jimmy welcome back you look good, buddy y . Hey do that for everybod jimmy they do not stand for everybody. Thank you very much thank you very much. Jimmy you got a standing ovation. You felt the love. Yeah. Jimmy you look good. Jimmy you have les a a mustache i have no mustache. Jimmy yeah i actually its the first time in about 15 years that i have no mustache jmy wow. I had to i shaved it off for a role in a movie actually yeah jimmy oh, who do you play in the movie i played the guy in the mustache jimmy ah [ light laughter ] thats good casting. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy good casting it said, guy without mustache. Its very broad, but im like, i can do that ill just take it off. Jimmy but you look good. You taking care of yourself . I am. I think i jimmy yeah you know, i do things to take care of myself. I dont know i dont know k what inow, jimmy, do you do you ever think [ laughter ] no, i mean, like, have you ever had a few hours during the day and sat down and go like, what do i really know . [ laughter ] jimmy i dont i dont want to know that. Well the weird thing is youre like and this is all going someone. Like, if you make a column of things youre pretty sure you know jimmy yeah and then you make another column of how you know thoseou things, ab90 of that second column is just like, some guy told me. Youre like [ laughter ] jimmy that is true right, so the point being is like look, i take vitamins. Jimmy yeah i take them i take tm every day, because m afraid to die and im stupid [ light laughter ] so, but every day i take my vitamins i look at them in my hand. Jimmy yeah i got vitamin b, vitamin d, vitamin c. And i look at them and in my heart, jimmy, i know these dont do anything. Jimmy right. [ light laughter ] you know you know yeah, they do nothing. But imn. M taking them. Jimmy yeah im taking them every day and so im in. So if i dont take them one morning and i drive somewhere, ive actually gone back to my house ta take my stupid vins [ light laughter ] because in my mind im like, today going to happen jimmy yeah if i dont take them . Am i going to get in a car accident . And vitamin d stops accidents. Jimmy i did not know that. So it looks fantastic jimmy yeah but my point it is its like, it is kind of b. S. And you never know when someones going to randomly dump some crap into your head. Some guy you dont know that well or somebody youre just talking to them jimmy yeah and out of nowhere theyre going to Say Something like, are you taking tumeric . [ light laughter ] and then youre like, what tumeric . Yeah, you got to take tumeric and youre like, tumeric . Yeah, tumeric the spicelk are you taing about the spice . So hes like, yeah, you got to taket,hat. Waihe spice that you buy once to make an indian recipe, and you never use it again and it stains your wooden spoon . That tumeric . [ laughter ] jimmy stains youre spoon. Yeah and hes like, yeah, you got to be taking that. And im like, no i dont. You know, like, in my mindth s ridiculous. Jimmy yeah im just tired of all that hype around stuff. But, you know, im taking it, you know, and [ laughter ] well, he told me it was for inflammation and then i said, what do you mean inflammation . He says, you know, general inflammation. Im like, what is that . New bad thing that cauall the the other bad things, you know . And then im like, what about cholesterol . Hes like, well, it turns out thats good for you. [ laughter ] so like so i got to be honest, since ive been taking it i feel less inflamed. Immy wow. I do. I feel jimmy well, you look less inflamed jimmy wow. You looked less inflamed less inflamed in a general way. Im j well, you look great thank you for coming back to our show nice to see you jimmy i want to talk about your film. I know, its exciting, isnt it yeah, the sword of trust. Yes jimmy is this the name the film yeah. Jimmy what is it about its funny. Jimmy yeah yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy its good. I want to get that right out front. Ah jimmy ye its a funny movie. Like, really a funny movie jimmy i feel like when i watched it, i go, this is taored made for marc maron well, thats because it is tailored made for me jimmy it was the director, lynn shelton, this is her eighth film. And we worked together on a few tv projects. She directed my comedy special my last one. And she wanted to make a movie for me she wanted me to be in a movie weve been writing one for three years but we werent finishing it and i said, well, go write another one. And she does, right . Sa and she , the idea came to me. She was driving past a pawn shop in santa monica and shes like, thats where marc suld be he should be a pawn shop owner. Im like, how is that the thought . Like, marc should be in there with the sad items that people had to, you know, sell to save their lives. Laughter ] they ran out of money just the abandoned things jimmy they think its you. Yeah, just sad items. Like, why am i here someone loves me . And im like, yeah, okay, i fit. Jimmy yeah so the idea of the film is, it takes place in birmingham, alabama. On this, kind of, like, you know, kind of a rs [ chee jimmy yeah what . Is the whole state here . Jimmy yes. Its wild. Never heard this wow. Gr its a great its a t city but, im there im sort of a transplant ive had a rough life. And i own this pawn shop and im kind of not a a cynical guy, but a little kind of ive accepted my lot in life. And i have this guy at works with me. And these two women that come in theyre a couple and theyve got a sword that one of them inherited from her grandfather. Tc now the cato the sword is it they along with the sword there were some documentation. And apparently this documentation proves that this union sword is somehow part of this truth not a conspiracy that proves that the south actually won the civil war. Jimmy wow like, why arent you laughing i mean [ light laughter ] thats ridiculous. I mean, this is a great statement jimmy yeah about the culture we live in that 90 of the audience is like, ive heard that one ive heard that [ laughter ] i think that might be a true conspiracy its not its made up jimmy you were never a a conspiracy theorist at all all right, there was a time, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah what did you believe well, it was before they became popular a popular way to dupe people into believing things. I jimmy you liked it before people got on the bandwagon . No. Way backke back when i was li i was in this rabbit hole about the government, about the u. S. Government i there was a lot of theres some old timey conspiracy theories, right jimmy yeah so, like, theres a new world order. The trilateralnaommission, the illu, the free masons jimmy thats right, yeah yeah, it was all connected. This is before i knew it led to jews are bad [ laughter ] so jimmy wow. Being a jew was not something i wanted to be a part of jimmy yeah but, heres what happened so, im with my buddy jim who works in d. C hes been working in d. C. For a obama, clinton, for t of president s hes been there, like, most of his life and hes walking me around the government building. This right when im in the middle of the conspiracy thing and i just start rambling on about it like, this is all garbage this is a mystical space the Washington Monument isit lined up wthe capital because its satanic. Like, was crazy, right [ laughter ] so i go on for, like, ten minutes with this hugeheory. And my friend jim is just looking at me. And i stop i take a breath and he goes, people hereust arent that organized. [ laughter ] that kind of nipped it in the butt jimmy thats the end of that oh, wow, i gueshes right. Well, i want to read the review the New York Times gave you a really nice writeup they said, marc maron delivers one of the years best performances. Thank you [ cheers and applause not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Jimmy i want to show everyone a clip. Here is marc maron in sword of trust. Take a look at this. So whats the big plan with the cash well, we want to i mean, eventually we want to have a a kid. W, a thats nice cant really do it on our own, you know . What, are you gng to buy a kid, buy sperm no. Have one . I want cynthia. I mean, we talked abt it shed carry. Okay. So youre going to carry the kid, thats the plan im hoping if i can, you know you seems the more motherlyof the two of you. Oh, doeshe . Yeah. Oh, thats thank you youre welcome. Thats great. I thinke means it as a compliment well, it doesnt sound like nte compli i think youre two sides of the mother coin. Like, you know, you just made me uncomfortable and i felt like i had done something wrong. And then i look at her, and im like, its going to be okay. Yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and appuse jimmy dude, youre right its funny marc maron, everybody. Nd [ cheers applause sword of trust is in select theaters now well be right back with Blake Griffin, everyone. Stick around [ chee and applause [radio Weather Report playing] [airpod case clicking open] hey siri, play me something new. Music playing it was just past one when two three men from four five step to me door like oh my gosh j t throw that cash in a black bag pull up the track, run arcause yaow k and t just learnt some jazzoday, its true you gon learn you gon learn you gon learn, hey were going all in thion strawberries. Ra, at their reddest, ripest, they make everything better. Like our strawberry poppyseed salad and new strawberry summer caprese salad. Strawberry season is here. Panera. Food as it should be. We hide hotel names so you can score 4star hotels at 2star prices. Hotwire hotwire. Com milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. Its made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. Breyers the good vanilla. We proudly partner with American Farmers refor grade a milk and. Mmm wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. Doordash has tss most restaurants acmerica. Delivered to your door. Terever your door happens be. Download doordash. First order, 0 delivery fee. Delicious, delivered. [ uptempo music plays ] man we dont just play music in d. C. We make songs that celebrate life. And love and living. Theyre born in our souls and hearts. And the beat travels up through our bodies till theres nowhere else for it to go but out. Celebrate your d. C. Wi new scratchers from the d. C. Lottery. Theres over 1. 6 millo n in cash prizes tn. Only 1 billionth of 1 is filtered naturally. And emerngs crisp and refreshi enough to be called deer park 100 Natural Spring water. Born better® [ cheers and applause jimmy be sure to watch our show tomorrow night. Were going to do our tonight sh summer read book club. Kenan thompson will be here. [ cheers and applause Joe Manganiello will be here oh, boy. [ cheers and applause and weve got great music from robyn. T oh, i canit for that. [ cheers and applause its going to be a good show tomorrow night but first, well be right back with Blake Griffin, everybody. Dont change the chael [ cheers and applause ok ill admit. 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[ chrs and applause jimmy our next guest is a Power Forward for the Detroit Pistons and a sixtime nba all star on july 25th, hes hosting his annual fundraising eventor the Team Griffin Foundation called comedy by blake at the just for laughs comedy festival please welcome Blake Griffin [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you so much for coming back to our show. And thank you for and congratulations by the way, on a great first season with the pistons. Thank you jimmy you did a great job. You went all the way to the playoffs [ cheers and applause yeah, thank youim how is your offseason going . Its been good. Jimmy yeah ive been hanging out, enjoying some time off jimmy what do you think about this whole deal free agcy that went kind of crazy. It is but honestly, man jimmy with the nets and clippers almost everybody. Jimmy did you know about do people know about this stuff before it hits the news or i feel like i mean, i find out about some of the stuff just as a fan. Jimmy you didnt know about any of these some of the guys you kind of know you kind of hear some thingsi but s at the comedy store the other night. And when kawhi went to the clippers jimmy yeah i was my friend was on stage doing a set. And i was like it started happening, like, rolling in. He came off. He was like, how is it . I was like, i dont know. [ laughter ] i thhuge. Jimmy im on twitter right now. This is giant. Yeah thats how you found out on is twitter . Yeah. Jimmy wow. With everybody else jimmy yeah [ light laughter ] but you you also love comedy i love that you love comedy. I what got yo comedy i think just, you know, from an early age watching comedy with my dad, saturday night live. Th and jimmy who were some of your favorites . [ laughter ] [ drum roll y on saturdaght live . Jimmy yeah well, i mean, obviously you have to ntion Adam Sandler Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] y were really great jimmy oh, thank you so much oh, my gosh, you didnt have to say that [ cheers and applause you didnt have to say it. You didnt have to that at all oh, my gosh. Wh are your favorite characters of mine [ laughter ] but then you started doing standup yourself . I did, man. I kind of stumbled into it i was going to go to just for laughs in montreal. I jimmy ve just for laughs. This was four years ago, i think. And i had a call with the director and he was like, you know, we should find somethin you to do. And he was like, do you want to host the midnight surprise show . i was like, yeah, sure. Like, thinking i was just going to be like, and now so and so. Ah jimmy ye and it turned out i had to do ten minutes so i had to go write ten minutes. And jimmy what did you write just basketball, you know [ laughter ] the only thing i know, man jimmy do what you know, man. Yeah yeah, exactly and it worked out. And now ive written a whole new 15 minutes or so and ive been i worked on ita in l im going to go out tonight. And jimmy thats fun yeah, well see how it goes jimmy and so this thing is july 25th, i believe ifou go to the website, hahaha. Com [ light laughter ] i cant believe they got that website. Threehas, yeah. Jimmy three has and go comedy. By blake. Get tickets to go see this have you ever been heckl not while i was doing comedy i get heckled all the time playing basketball [ laughter ] jimmy just by fans yelling yeah, just fans especially on the road there was a guy one time like, one of my very of my very first games, in portland i was a rookie, just checked in and this guy named kurt thomas was standing next to me. jimmyre and it got so quiet in the arena. So everybody can hear this guy and he goes, hey, blake, the coolest thing youve ever done is stand next to kurt thomas. La [ hter ] i was like jimmy thats pretty good yeah, i mean, at this point, yeah jimmy yeah, exactly. Hes right, yeah has it helped your basall at all doing standup . Not really the physical part of basketball. [ lit laughter ] but definitely you know, like, after the game, you have to do media. And you have to sit at a press conference and answer questions. And i el like people always think athletes are really stupid and its not that re stupid its just that we just exercised for two hours. And theres not really enough oxygen in our brains to [ laughter ] jimmy to answer o actually be able to jimmy tricky questions yeah, yeah. Jimmy yeah jimmy surean i show you . All right, stand up for me. Jimmy okay you need just a little space. Do you want to come here jimmy sure all right what i want you to do jimmy okay run in place, jumping jacks, whatever you want. Jimmy okay for 15 seconds. And then, as soon as youre done, im just gng to ask you some questions [ laughter ] jimmy i see where this is going. Going to commentate onit, im youre doing it. Jimmy oh, my this is the all right [ cheersarnd applause stoff really slow. All right. Quick feet, by the way all right, jimmy jimmy yeah tell me how youre feeling . Tell me about how ure feeling about how you feel jimmy i just all right [ laughter ] and, one more time, how did you feel when you first started out there . Jimmy i dont see how stupid that sounds . [ laughter ] its not [ applause ] its not our faultim its not your fault. Its not your fault. Its not our fault. Jimmy Blake Griffin, everybody. [ cheers and applause go to hahaha. Com for tickets to dusty slay performs standup for us after the break stick around [ cheers and applause role of a car company . Announcer to take your kids to and from school . Announcer we think it r. Can be something bigge so we have the essays from the last three parts. Hi announcer ts summer,en volksws supporting americas teachers. Announcer visit your vw dealer to learn how you can join in. Announcer now during the volkswagen drive bigger event, get a 2019 jetta, tiguan, on and select atlas models. A [ cheers andlause jimmy our next guest has been named one of variety magazines 10 comics to watch and on august 6th, hell be in nashville at the grand ole opry [ cheers ] everyone, please say hi to the veryunny dusty slay. [ cheers and applause all right all right. All right. Okay were having a good time [ light laughter ]ow you having a good time id like to tell people were having a good time, you know i dont like to ask. A lot of comiccome out here. And they go, are we having a good time . Not me i cant risk it. [ lighyolaughter ] know what i mean i like to let you know i am pumped to be here though. Travel around a lot. I dont ways get the best hotels i stay at a lot of hotels. Theyre not always the best. I was in one recently and nothing worked the elevator didnt work finally got up to my room and the wifi didnt work so, i went back downstairs and i was like, hey the wifi doesnt work. And he was like, yeah, its a a little shaky but the network name is ramadainn1. It was shakyhen i realized why because we werent at a ramada inn. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] i could see the ramada inn through the window [ laughter ]t he was like, buit works real good down here in the lobby. Why dont you just use it here in the lobby . You dont know what i ed wifi for. You know what i mean [ laughter ] okay, were having a good time and lets not forget, werevi ha a good time [ light laughter ] i was at one hotel and they had a sign inside the room that said, not responsible for olen items. So i took some stuff [ laughter ] noand then im like, im t responsible either i dont even work here ive been needing a lamp with some plugs on it. [ laughter and applause its hard to plug my stuff into a wall at home, you kn get a lamp i can plug some stuff into its tough to find a lamp with usb ports on it. [ light laughter ] you find one, you take it. Thats a rule. La [ ughter ]i was at a casino hotel one time and they had a sign in there had a list of everything you could steal. And how much it cost all right . That way iityou want to steal theyll just charge you right to yor account i guess to keep you from stealing right . But they had an ironing board on there for, like, 20. [ light laughter ] i was like, that seems like ao a pretty good deal t. [ laughter ] you know what i mean, like, i dont buy a lost irong boards, so i dont know. But 20 seems cheap, right [ light laughter ] steal an ironing board from a hotel. Like, a towel i get. You can put that in your bag but an ironing b thats bold, right youre at check out, like, nah, i had this when i came in. [ laughter ] yeah, it does look a lot like yours, but [ laughter ] i always carry an ironing board with me. Good thing, cause theres not one in that room [ laughter and applause were having a good time [ laughter ] and i dont know how to iron, thou, you know like, i know how it works. You know, like, you plug it into the lamp, and then [ laughter ] okme, were having a good ti i like to read bad hotel reviews. I read one recently. This guy was like, this hotti room was so disgusng, there were bugs in the bed, blood in the carpet catch a disease. S going to and that continental breakfast was a joke i was like, dude, you stuck around for breakfast . [ laughter ] you got to get out of there, man. You wouldnt do that at ie a s house, you know . You wouldnt be like, oh, its too gross to sleep lets check out the fridge. [ laughter and applause okay, all right. I hate staying at peoples uses, though i like a hotel you know, you have to follow peoples rules at their houses you nt know what to expect. You ever go to somebodys house and they got a dog thats barking at you, growling at you. And they go, he wont bite. ] [ laughter its like, why do you think that . cause hes never done it before . Be well, may today is the day. [ light laughter ] cause he looks like he wants to bite. Theyre always like, well, heo might lick you tath. Im like, death [ laughter ] who said anything about dying . [ laughter ] im just worried about being bitten i dont even know why you brought up death. [ laughter ] i justhink its a weird idea, right . cause the dog looks like he wants to bite you. Like, you show up at somebodys house d theres some gut in there with a knife and hes just doing like this [ laughter ] theyre like, he wont stab you. [ laught and applause he might lick you to death [ laughter ] yeah, hell settle down in a a minute hes just not used to being around people. [ laughter ] all right. Oo were having a gtime thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ho jimmy that is you do it, right there. That is how you do it. Dusty ay for more, go to dustyslay. Com. My thanks to joel mchale, n. Marc maron, blake duy slay, once again [ cheers and applause fantastic, buddy and the roots right there, from philadelia, pennsylvania stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a gre night i hope to see you tomorrow byebye everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in rk new yo, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight jesse eisenberg, star of animal kingdom, actress emily deschanel, a performance from kate tempest. Featuring the 8g band with raghav mehrotra. [ rs and applause ladiesnd gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. M seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause good to hear in that case, lets get to the news new video has surfaced showing President Trump conversing andnc joking with fir jeffrey epstein, who is facing multiple Sexual Assault charges