So cute together it hurts . Are you talking about me and the very strong water delivery woman . Theres a certain chemistry there, sure, but is it sexual . Obviously. No, greg and katie. Katie likes him, but she wont admit it, and i know greg likes her, but he made me promise not to tell a soul. Carol, you gotta get to it. Were gonna run out of hallway. The problem is that katies never gonna make a move, and greg wont, because he has a girlfriend. Ah, i see. Carol, you ever seen the movie seabiscuit . No, but on the jersey shore, sea biscuits a bunch of stucktogether condoms floating in the ocean. Wait, the movies not about that, is it . No, seabiscuit was a great racehorse, but he didnt become a champion until his owners got the idea to take his blinders off so he could see the competition. [gasps] i get it. Show katie who shes up against in the fight for gregs heart exactly oh, my god, we ran out of hallway. Oof [upbeat news broadcast music] oh. Dear chuck, thanks for sticking it to that bitch. I dont know what theyre talking about. Sure sounds like me, though. Pretty handwriting. Look at this rightwing anchor slams liberal bitch over Climate Change hoax. Thats the headline on blightbarf. Im not rightwing im not leftwing. Im like switzerland completely impartial, and i Love Chocolate and knives. When did i ever slam you . Hm. Looks like weve got a Little Mystery on our actually, you know what . Im kind of over this. Can we do Something Else . No [sighs] fine, well do the mystery. All surprise ah tiny dunkirk all happy birthday to you happy birthday. [faltering] [embellished] dear greg happy birthday to you whose voice is that . [gasps] i think its mine [singsong] surprise thats cat . She is so pretty. I know id always pictured a prim, bigboned woman with a british accent. Oh, okay, i was picturing supernanny. Why would you come all the way here for what im desperately hoping will be a tensecond Birthday Party . Oh, i got a call from someone in your office who said youd love me to be here [laughs] and bring carol some candy. Oh, look at that she is all over him. Oh, i dont know about you, but that makes me feel so competitive, much like a legendary horse might. [sighs] weve looked through all of last nights show. This is the closest thing to a slam. Nasa released a study on Climate Change today. [tape clicks] you rolled your eyes. Thats it . That wasnt even a real eye roll. I had a problem with my colored contact lenses, which i have to wear because my eyes are going gray. Hang on. No wonder they thought you meant something political, chuck. Youre wearing a make America Great again tie. What . Ive been wearing the same green tie all week. Diana st. Tropez herself suggested it. [can clatters] [can continues clattering] justin, do you know something . Like all popular girls, i can smell fear. Diana made me do it she told me to greenscreen rightwing graphics on your tie to drum up controversy. What . Here, take a look. The texas flag, obama with devil horns, an eagle dropping a bomb on hillary. [explosion] controversy brings ratings. And i mean, youre already an old, white man who screams at a beautiful mixedrace woman all day. Why did you invite gregs girlfriend here . Whats your little scheme . I brought cat here to take your blinders off. Youve seen the competition. Now you can get fired up and destroy her why would i want to destroy her . Greg is my friend, and cat seems really cool. Well, im team katie. I didnt make tshirts or anything. I made hats and mouse pads. Mom, please dont do anything to cat, and please stop saying greg and i are cute together. [munching] were told the robots are coming for our jobs. But with great change, comes even greater opportunity. Search for greatness. Search indeed. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. Him throwing gregted a little Surprise Party tonight for his birthday, and guess what kind of party it is ah halloween . No, karaoke. Really . I thought greg didnt like celebrating his birthday. Oh, no, thats just something that he says. [laughs] im cat, by the way. I dont think weve met. Yeah, im katie. I work with [laughs] oh wait, greg, greg, greg i met katie youre always talking about. Not always. Seldom. Never. Oh, he says such nice things about you. I mean, hes basically in love with you. [laughs] okay. We should go and get some lunch . It was so nice to meet you. I wish we had more time to talk. Oh, but you can [loud crash] hey, im carol. Im katies mom. I have an idea. Why dont the four of us go to lunch . Both what . No. Both why not . Sounds fun wonderful, unless katie can think of a reason that we shouldnt in three. Uh, rat two. Dog one yay were going [both laugh] all right, thats it. No more autographs go on love you, chuck. Drain the swamp i dropped my keys in it. Whats wrong, chuck . Dont you like having fans . Of course, but i want fans ial and im trustworthy and i do a great impression of [british accent] christopher walken, baby yeah but youre old and from nebraska, so youve got to be some sort of conservative, right . Portia, i make an effort to never have a Public Opinion on anything. That ball is in deep to center. That thing is outta here each team has a valid perspective on this im just gonna have to clear this up on the air. That is a big mistake, chuck. Once youve been claimed by either side, youre stuck with it. Look at poor michael moore. You think he still wants to be a liberal crusader . You can tell by the way he dresses he clearly just wants to be a pornographer. Excuse me. Would you be interested in trading places, and i could do your job, and you could go have lunch with my crazy mom . Too late, bitch. Real coat check girl is already on my bad date. Oh, relax, okay . Were gonna have a nice lunch. Well get to know cat and well ask her a couple of questions. No, no, do not start in with the innocent questions regret their decisions. Hey new bangs, huh . Did you mean for them to look like that . Okay. [chuckles] gosh, cat, it is so nice to finally meet you. Finally . Now why would i put it that way . Well, i guess its because greg never talks about wanting to marry you. Why is that . Well, its kind of a funny story. Greg and i met the week after my grandmother died. I was at the airport, and i left the ring that my grandmother dorothy gave me in the security bin, but as i walked away, i heard a gentle British Voice say. Pardon me, miss. Have you forgotten something . But now theres a crowd thats gathered that actually thinks were getting engaged so theyre chanting, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, so we kissed, and now our little joke is it doesnt matter if we get married, because greg gave me a ring mom, please wait until we get outside before you make fun of this. Oh, my god, are you crying . No. Its just such a good story. Oh, no biggie lets talk about Something Else. No, carol, i dont think that having a baby would end my career on broadway. Honestly, i think of it as a chance to lend my voice to the greatest song of all motherhood. [cries] youre right, carol. I guess greg and i dont have a lot in common. Were just one of those unlikely duos, like how my dog is best friends with his handicapped duck. See . Ooh. Duck you have a duck . I have three ducks. And every time i hear that bell, it reminds me that christmas is real. Oh, okay, can we get the check, please . Greg and i already took care of it. Ooh. [sobs] which brings the list of men who havent exposed their penis in hollywood down to tom hanks. End of list. Chuck . Thanks, portia. To address any perceptions out there regarding bias in my reporting. In divided times such as these, i am reminded of one of my great heroes walter cronkite. Because of him, i have the integrity to stay firmly impartial. He gave me a gift i can never repay a 25 gift card to coconuts. If only i had used it before all their locations closed. Thank you and good night. [news broadcast music] youre getting murdered on twitter. The right is calling you a traitor, but spelling it with a d, and listen to what the left is saying remaining neutral is a privilege reserved for a rich white man. Congratulations, chuck. Now both sides hate you. [laughter] sorry, carol. You had to be there. I disagree. Its just as funny this way. [laughs] hey, can i borrow my mom for a second . [groans] whats going on, mom . Are you team cat now . Um. Oh, my god oh, just for this one thing. Im team katie for everything else. Ketball team. Well, as long as we had curry at the point and maybe Anthony Davis down low, and then we could hide you on defense. But, katie, whats the problem . I thought you didnt even like greg. I. Dont, but ill be damned if my own mother is gonna side with another girl over me in a fake competition she set up. You know what . This is the drums all over again. Katie, you should do the drums youll like the drums. Then i do, i kill one bird im sorry, but you cant compete with two people who are perfect for each other. Perfect for each other . You think he likes a woman who takes every conversation and turns it into a onewoman show . [highpitched voice] oh, my grandmothers ring. We kissed for no reason. [sobs] im sorry. Its just your tone of voice didnt change the emotional content. Oh, the story of how they met is so romantic. What is the story of how you and greg met . Well, it was my first day here. Hey, do you know how to use the copy machine . No. Okay. Not romantic. Greg and cat are soul mates. Soul mates . Please. Shes making him do karaoke. If cat and greg were really soul mates, shed get him something he actually wants, like i did. Ooh whats in there . No, this is the actual. Gift, but its a top of the line office pro tx and its got a lifetime guarantee that the ringulators theyre never gonna encrossulate. Okay, i dont know how to say this. P. U. That gift stinks. Step away from this, katie. Let greg and cat ride off into the sunset and make cute babies together. Their cute babies . What about our cute babies . These eyes . His jawline . Get your head out of your ass, mom im way more perfect for greg than she is, and im gonna prove it hey, greg. Sorry to jump in with a work thing. I want to lead with my story tomorrow. Okay. No, but. [laughs nervously] betcha think i cant make it from here. Oh, and the crowd goes. Horrified . Why . [cheeping] katherine, theyve been through so much already. Aww. Hey, are you gonna come to karaoke tonight . Yeah, yeah, ill be there, and hey, if you think its the Perfect Party for greg, i am sure youre right. Trust your gut, ok[winces] oh, my god, i hurt my finger so bad on your stomach. Sorry. Dancer. See you tonight. Ah [sighs] that was bad and uncomfortable. Theyet every day,nt buy happiness. 4. 99 buys you a footlong black forest ham, meatball marinara spicy italian and more. Guess what . Thats happiness. And im buyin it. And after i buy em, im going to eat em. Just not all at once. Five footlongs, now just 4. 99 each, every day. For a limited time. Subway. So much sandwich. These days all networks are great. So why would anyone pay twice as much with verizon. Now when you switch youll get 4 lines of unlimited for 25 a month with the 5th line free. 5 lines for only 100 a month. Thats 50 off the unlimited rates of the other guys. Its the best price for unlimited. vo dont let a 1 difference cost you twice as much. Plus, switch and get 50 off samsungs newest phones. Think about what you can do for people with hearing loss, with all that extra money. Visit sprintrelay. Com. Iand i like these awardwinning cheddar puffs. First place. Both events . Booyah were an awards family. Youll like them both but love our price. Awardwinning organic cheddar puffs from aldi. Simply smarter shopping. I told you oh,you dont have the chops. Ig . All my private information was leaked to the public, and now people keep sending me glitter bombs. They have my address, my cell number, my cvs extracare card. Some lowlife is out there getting all of my superlong receipts. Standard troll move. You got doxed. They wrote your number on the bathroom stall of the internet. Those bastards i know this image stuff better than you. Let me help. Ah, portia, ill be fine. I think i can handle a couple of internet trolls who are acting like goofballs. Look, someone sent me a piece of certified mail. Surely that will be okay to [dramatic music] you sons of bitches ill kill you come out of there and face me shh. Here he comes all surprise [suspenseful music] i was too british to admit it, but. Being surrounded by friends is what i wanted for my birthday. So thank you, cat, and thank you, all of you, really. [indistinct chatter] big deal. Hes just being polite. Oh, she figured out he likes friends. They must share a soul. We are here tonight to honor greg walsh. Yeah, greg. And this songs for you. [chicagos youre the inspiration playing] you know our love was meant to be [crowd cheering] go, cat the kind of love to last forever and i want you here with me from tonight until the end of time both youre the meaning in my life eeling to my life youre the inspiration okay, i can see how this could look bad, but she is playing right into our wanna have you near me wanna have you hear me saying all no one needs you more than i need you [cheers and applause] chuck . [rustling] are you hiding under your desk . Of course not im living under here. Get off my yard. Youre getting Death Threats now . They broke into my house. They cut those letters out of my own personal issue of fonts magazine. Look, i know you claim not to have any opinions, but you obviously have one that im always wrong. If you listened to me, you wouldnt be in this mess. Please help me, portia. Ill give you anything. How about a 25 gift card to coconuts . Impartiality in journalism is dead, but this is where we are now. Its prison rules. You either pick a side, or everyone kicks the crap out of you. I was on season two of celebrity lockup. But i dont want to pick a side now what do i do . Well, as flavor flav said before he used a sharpened spoon to tunnel his way to freedom, i have a plan, heidi montag. [mischievous music] whats cool is, today, we have 400 people working across the globe. With office 365, we can all stay connected, from vietnam, to boston, to new york. Now with whiteboard, we can all Work Together at the same time. And 3d in powerpoint shows clients exactly what our cards look like. Yeah, having everyone working together on the new teams app is really awesome. Seeing all these people react to our cards . Thats what makes it all worth it. Today, try it with zero sugar. Pepsis always had great taste. This is the pepsi with zero compromises. This is pepsi zero sugar. Lots of vitamins a and c. And only 50 calories a serving. Good morning indeed. V8. The original way to fuel your day. To get together at olive theregarden. Reason allnew flavorfilled pastas. Indulge in brand new cheesefilled gnocchi topped with tender grilled chicken plus unlimited salad and breadsticks allnew flavorfilled pastas. For a limited time. Only at olive garden. Can feel like a. Big bad thing but then we do our taxes with turbo tax. If youre nervous, they have real, live help you can talk to. Hi, turbo tax lady can i claim a mask as a deduction . Yes, if its required for work. Well, goody gumdrops see, nothing to be afraid of at all. Intuit turbotax t some ice cream on the way home . My treat. Oh, wait, i dont have a bank account. No, hang on. You like inside jokes . You like fun girls who know how to get the Party Started and know greg really well . Well, feast your ears on this, mom. So, we are celebrating one cool dude. Old gregasaurus grex. Its not an established nickname. Its. Whatever. I think hes going to know where im coming from with this one. [lynyrd skynyrds that smell playing] whiskey bottles brand new cars oak tree, youre in my way theres too much coke and too much smoke look whats going on inside you its gonna make sense in a second. Ooh, that smell cant you smell that smell ooh, that smell the smell of death surrounds you that funny inside joke . No. What are you talking about . You remember that time we all went out for thirsty thursday . It was like a year ago. We all went out. We heard that woman coming out of the bathroom singing ooh, that smell in that terrible voice . You remember . Ooh, that smell i remember. Greg wasnt there. Oh, no. I also remember. I was the woman singing. You said it was good, and i should try out for the voice. Okay, im sorry. Yeah, imim out. Damn it, why . Oh, that smell welcome back to our panel. Still with us, bo jefferson, fiscally conservative van resident. And on the liberal side, daniel with a lowercase d. Now weve heard a lot of opinions tonight, but we havent heard from you, chuck, so what side are you on . Well, portia, if Everyone Wants to know what i think so badly, here it is. We need to protect the environment. Exactly, because mother earth wait, what . And i also believe that jesus belongs in our schools. Amen. Just because hes my gardener and illegal and gay doesnt mean he shouldnt go to college for free. I dont like that part. And we need to build that wall between the us and mexico and a door, and a roof, because were building a giant duplex where everyone can live on the governments dime. Thats all from us here at the breakdown. Good night. Uh, what just happened . I have no idea, man. Congratulations, chuck. You completely confused twitter. Everyones already moved on to sandwichesbelike. I get it now. If you were playing by prison rules, and you dont want to pick a side, you only have one choice to be the craziest guy in the yard. I may not believe any of what i just said, but i do know one thing for sure. You are not always wrong. Thanks, chuck. Youre the mayonnaise. Sandwichesbelike. [mischievous music] ooh, hey, pumpkin. Im sorry about last night. What do you have to be sorry about . I drove you to madness. I shouldve listened. Oh, my god, mom, did you see the way i behaved yesterday . You honestly think i did all that stuff to prove a point to you . Im obviously madly, hopelessly in love with greg. What . Then why did you say you werent, like a thousand times . I was protesting too much, like when i kept saying i wouldnt want to be cinderella in the play i prefer the role of unnamed male ball attendee. Oh, yeah, but you were so good in that. Remember . Well, this is a wonderful ball. Ugh. It doesnt matter now, anyway. Oh, katie. I never should have taken your blinders off. You two made such a cute couple. Yeah, i thought so, too. Oh, what a joke. [odd voice] we play pistachio basketball together and we laugh at the same stuff and we get each other in a way thats really hard to explain [normal voice] and he challenges me to be the best version of myself, and when i see him in the morning, it is the nicest part of my day, and i know that he hates karaoke, ul angel. No, you know what . Im right. I do know greg. [dramatic music] im sorry to just bust in here like this, but its super important and totally not a big deal and probably stupid and totally doesnt symbolize anything and i dug it out of the trash and the pepperonis not part of it, but me buy you this for birthday. Oh, my god, this was a mistake. [whimsical orchestral music] how did you know . You. See me. Yeah. Cool, well. Ima go hang out with my wang out. Okay. Oh. They are soul mates, but hes with cat. Oh, my god, the four of us are in a love triangle. For bringing my former friend i to firehouse 51. I feel terrible about what happened. The problem with some of the people that come in hey, hey, thats enough. Come on, thats it. [soft dramatic music] not like this. Youre lily. You own a bar too . What if we partner with it . I call it mollys north. You deserve better than i can give you. I got a job thats never gonna be able to put you first. And you deserve first. Im on probation at work. Are you kidding me . Its all fair game as long as ramon dawson gets what he wants. You only think about yourself and im sick of it. Dont move we got you. [dramatic music] dad. [gasping] youre all right, dad. Just breathe nice and easy, in and out. We need to apply more pressure on his wounds. Ive got him, just get us there, okay