Transcripts For WRC Late Night With Seth Meyers 20171229

Huh. Thats donald trump jr. Just a chill, normal dude, who owns who owns a mask of his fathers face. [ laughter ] i love you, don jr. [ laughter ] the white house released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President mike pence today. And they put one of steve bannon out on the front stoop. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in an interview yesterday, white house chief of staff, john kelly, said the civil war was caused by a lack of ability to compromise. Even weirder, he said that pearl harbor was an air Traffic Control issue. [ laughter ] i dont know why we ever thought there was a reasonable person working in trumps white house. [ light laughter ] thats like going into a hot topic and asking to meet their rocket scientist. [ light laughter ] a white house official confirmed today that President Trump will not visit the korean Demilitarized Zone during his Upcoming Trip to asia. In fact to prevent an international incident, trumps aides will just take him to Panda Express and tell him its asia. [ cheers and applause ] their english you know, i just got back from asia, and their english is very good. [ laughter ] also, do you know they have an asia at laguardia . [ laughter ] according to a new poll, Mitch Mcconnell is the nations least popular senator, which explains the festivities over at ted cruzs office. [ laughter and applause ] engineers at ford recently created a robotic butt. A robotic butt. [ light laughter ] designed to simulate the effect of sitting in a car seat for over a decade. Said designers, right, thats why we made it. [ laughter ] who left the robot butt out . [ laughter ] do you like that, wally . Youve enjoyed robot butt all day. [ laughter ] theres no time today that ive told the robot butt joke that wally hasnt laughed the loudest. [ laughter ] today was Christopher Columbus birthday. And if youre wondering what to get him, how about something that already belongs to someone else . [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] chipotle offered 3 burritos today to any customers who ordered in their halloween costume. Good news for the front of the horse, but terrible news for the back. [ laughter and applause ] anna with fox news, as weve mentioned, white house chief of staff john kelly said that the lack of ability to compromise led to the civil war. Here to comment is one of our writers, amber, in a segment we call ambers minute of fury. [ cheers and applause ] fool the lack of compromise led to the civil war . Lack of compromise . Thats an awfully strange way to pronounce slavery. [ laughter ] it wasnt a lack of compromise that led to the civil war. A lack of compromise led to the mullet. [ laughter ] thats two different haircuts having a civil war on your head. [ light laughter ] and there is no winner. Also, lincoln did try to compromise with slave owners. He offered tax breaks, suggested slavery be legal in a few states, and even proposed reparations for slave owners. You heard right. Ra losing slaves now you know they off if they offered slave owners reparations, you know we aint never gettin any. [ light laughter ] in addition to all that, john kelly had the nerve to say robert e. Lee was an honorable man. Honorable his army kidnapped free black people and sold them into slavery. That is true. Not a lot of people know that, because they left that part out of the statues [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look, if the civil war was due to a lack of compromise, letters home from the war would have sounded like this. Dearest rebecca, i regret to inform you that we are going to war as compromise has failed. The south offered to only have slavery on monday, wednesday, friday. The north countered with slavery six days a week, but on the seventh day, theve then we came back with, what about on fridays we do casual slavery, and let the slaves wear flip flops . But alas, no compromise could be reached. Please make sure my statue overlooks a payless shoe store. [ laughter ] and finally, general kelly, what are you doing . Every sane person on both sides thought a respectable military man like you could be the voice of reason in the white house. Tyra banks put it best when she said i was rooting for you we were all rooting for you how dare you [ cheers and applause ] this has been ambers minute of fury. [ cheers and applause ] seth amber ruffin, everybody. Give it up we have a great show for you tonight. From Anthony Bourdain parts unknown on cnn, Anthony Bourdain is here. [ cheers and applause ] by far the best person to get from that show. Shes the star of youre the worst on fxx. Aya cash ire and his book thank you for coming to hattiesburg, is available in paperback now. Todd barry, a very funny man, is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] happy halloween, everybody. I hope youre enjoying spending it with us. Were certainly happy to have you here. My son, its his second halloween and this year we decided he would dress up as a sailor. We made that decision because our dog, frisbee, already had a sailor costume. [ laughter ] so my wife i was at work all day so she sent me a picture of a couple of sailors. And you can tell by their expressions, neither of them are enjoying it very much. There they are, look at those two. [ audience aws ] [ applause ] later, though, ash went out on the street, and this next photo, i have to say, he looks like just a sailor on leave during fleet week, just very chill. [ laughter and applause ] pretty good. All right. Lets move on, everybody. White house press secretary, Sarah Huckabee sanders, has been holding a lot of press briefings lately, but i dont think all the questions we need answered have been asked. So we decided to hold another one right here, right now. Thats right. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and the late night press corps are here in our studio and ready to go. So without further ado, its time for the late night White House Press briefing. [ cheers and applause ] seth sarah, sarah. Sarah sarah, sarah, sarah, over here, yes. Sarah, thank you. Seth meyers, late night with seth meyers. Secretary sanders, why do you think the country is so frustrated with the Trump Presidency . Its because it should have ended yesterday. [ laughter ] seth yesterday. Great. [ cheers and applause ] what do you consider to be your main responsibility as White House Press secretary . [ light laughter ] [ applause ] seth what are the what are the five words that scare chief of staff john kelly the most . The president tweeted this morning. [ laughter and applause ] seth what was President Trump looking for when he was putting together his Campaign Staff . Regular offenders that have been in massive amounts of trouble. [ laughter ] seth how is the white house staff handling the new developments in the Mueller Investigation . They might start drinking. [ laughter ] seth lets say hypothetically that donald trump was offered an immunity deal, but in order to get it, he had to incriminate his two sons, eric and donald. Hell take it. [ laughter ] seth whats trump trying to hide with that long tie . Probably a pretty big waist. [ laughter ] seth so today is halloween and it seems the average iq in the white house jumped several points. Why is that . We have some kids with us he [ laughter and applause ] seth is it true the white house is putting eric trump up for adoption . Were not there yet. Were still in that process. [ laughter ] seth what do you say to donald trump to get him to show up to cabinet meetings . There will be lots of fun and im sure lots of candy. [ laughter ] seth what does donald trump look for in a spray tanner . An enormous amount of coverage. [ laughter ] seth when does President Trump change his pants . I think that any time there is leaking. [ laughter and applause ] seth i heard arbys is looking for a new slogan. Any ideas . All hat, no cattle. [ laughter ] seth how is ivanka doing . Tomorrow is her birthday. Seth actually, it was yesterday. I dont care. [ laughter ] President Trump when she turned him down for sex on Election Night . Inaugural balls. [ cheers and applause ] seth what would happen if i shaved off my eyebrows . They will come back stronger than ever before. [ laughter ] seth i heard President Trump sat on the toilet this morning without tweeting. This is another important milestone. [ laughter ] seth well, there you have it. Were out of time. So on behalf on the rest of the press corps, have a good night. Well be right back with Anthony Bourdain. [ cheers and applause ] this is google home mini. It makes shopping super easy. Like when you finally get home from the store but forgot that one thing. Just say, hey google, buy dog food. It knows that was a disaster, and this ones you fav. And while youre doing that, it can do this okay. Ordered coffee. And when you dont want to share everything with your family. [sneezing] reordering gummy vitamins. Here here here and lots of other places with google express. Google home and google home mini, now starting at 29. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. 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And please, give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight, he was David Lettermans drummer for almost 30 years on both nbcs late night and the late show for cbs. He continues to be a highly sought after session musician and his solo album figments was recently reissued and is available on itunes. Anton fig, everybody [ cheers and applause ] and this is very exciting, as well. Helping us out today on bass, he is a member of the legendary new york rock band, the strokes as well as his own band, summer moon who will kick off a tour beginning november 6th in brooklyn. Nikolai fraiture is here, everybody [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for filling in, nikolai, great to have you. Thank you. And host of the emmy and peabody awardwinning series Anthony Bourdain parts unknown. New episodes air sunday nights on cnn. Lets take a look. What is puerto rico . Its not a state. Its kind of like a colony, but its not. Its not kind, it is. It is a colony. What is it for you . Its an unincorporated territory. Unincorporated territory. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, whats that . What is that . Were trying to figure out, sometimes. Seth please welcome back to the show, Anthony Bourdain, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Good. Seth its always nice to see you. Your show is very unlike there are a lot of travel shows. Theres a lot of shows where people eat food on the road. Yours is very different, because you are not you rarely talk with people who are selling anything. Youre not dealing with tourist agencies. And but it must be difficult to find your way to the places that tour guides dont want to show you. Well, we try really hard to get that right. Weve learned a lot of lessons. Some of them painfully over the years. You know, your local contacts on the ground, you know, they have to know the area. They have to have a sense of humor. They have to know what youre not looking for. You know, were not looking to do top ten best lists or a fair and comprehensive overview. But, you know, some of the places that we go, you have a bad fixer, youre really in trouble. We learn like in sicily, we had a problematic fixer once. And, you know, he promised, im going to take you to the best pizzeria in all of sicily, which, by the way, my brother owns. You know . Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] this is not what were looking for. Seth right, exactly. How quickly do you know you have a dud fixer . Uh pretty quickly. Seth yeah. You know, i think im not going to say which. We went to one country with a new yorker, who claimed to have deep roots in this area. Had spent, you know, many years there, he said. And we showed up with him and all of the locals immediately like, theyre talking to me and saying i could hear them say in spanish, who is this jerk . [ light laughter ] seth you have i dont know if it was the fixers fault. If it was your fault. If this is just a core fault of the governments that are mad at you. You have run afoul of some foreign governments. I have. You know, those [ laughter ] the worstcase scenario is when the government sort of tries to infiltrate your local crew and make things prettier than they are. You know. Seth oh, i see. So, you know, official bodies enter, and, you know, were shooting with a the butcher in rural romania. You know, we like to do typical things with typical people. And we had a local butcher in a rural area of romania set to go with his family. Apparently the government found out. They arrived the night before, unbeknownst to us. Its like, you know, your you know, your house is not attractive enough. We move you to nicer house. Dress your children. You know 8yearold and 9 his 9yearold sister. Dress them in traditional garb. Make them dance for the americans. So its just this painfully false, awkward making these terrified children dancing. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] like, little, you know, little humble figurines, yeah. Seth i remember that episode. And thinking, i dont know if girls dance at romanian butchers but [ laughter ] do not shoot stray dogs. You know . Do not shoot gypsies. Only shoot, you know, new nice hilton hotel, cadillac. Seth thats great. When you said, do not shoot stray dogs, i thought a different thing. [ laughter ] no, ill be okay. Seth i forgot you have cameras. I forgot you have cameras. I was like, no, i dont know, that seems pretty forwardthinking for the romanian government. [ laughter ] a big scandal. You know, of course, by trying to manipulate reality, you know, it ended up being a very tragically funny show. And i was all over the newspapers in romania as a kgb agent. Mossad agent then cia agent. All at the same time but apparently seth so probably not going back. [ light laughter ] never say never. Seth yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] if youre a mossad agent, youll find your way back in. So um [ light laughter ] you so i also want to ask you went to puerto rico. Yes. Seth and you went before the hurricane. Yes. Seth but you had a sense of before this natural disaster. They were already in a look, this is a beautiful place. You know, puerto rican culture was so much of, you know, new york culture, american culture, when i grew up. If you heard Spanish Language in new york, it was a chance it was puerto rican. And yet they were stuck and still are stuck, even before the hurricane, in this bizarre financial limbo, where they found themselves so hideously in debt to these predatory hedge funds and foreign banks that they are now administered by a tiny, unelected group of people appointed by hedge funds and banks. Who are free to say, you know, were taking the money from this school, that pension fund. You dont really need that public transportation, those hospitals close. Because theyre entitled by law to take whatever money they want in whatever way they want. And, you know, they get paid first before anybody else. So its this they cant vote for president. They really have no power over their own destiny. And its and this was before this terrible event. Wonderful to even see get a sense of it. Because i feel like, unfortunately, we tune into a story like that after a hurricane and then we dont really understand that these problems were deeply seeded, and the the hurricane only magnified what was a real problem. If nothing else, you know, i think what im proud of this show, because it shows when something terrible happens to a place, you know, this is who were talking about. Seth yeah. These are the people that its happening to. Seth the New York Times reported your friend Chef Jose Andres hero seth he served more people he went down to puerto rico, he served more people than any aide agency. Jose andres, a chef from washington, d. C. Notable for being sued by donald trump. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] among his other many great accomplishments. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Right. [ cheers and applause ] went down to puerto rico, and without any funding, nothing, just he went first and just said, im going to start feeding people, as many people as i can. And working with world central kitchen, a group who he has been heavily involved and elsewhere. Hes fed almost i think almost 3 million people. Seth yeah. Far more hot meals than fema was able to provide. The Salvation Army at one point were asking him for food. Its a testament to what individual people can do, what chefs can do. And as always, hes an inspiration. Seth you speak about what chefs can do, and it does seem to me that theres unique qualities that make a great chef. And kitchens are a place you have to move fast and you have to make quick decisions which probably come in very helpful in times of crisis. In this now this cloud of Sexual Harassment thats all these stories that are coming out, you spoke and apologized to lending to this meathead culture that sort of prevailed in kitchens back when you started. What do you mean by that . What was the meathead culture . Well, look, i came up in a very old europeanbased system, based on the military, called the brigade system. And it was largely male. It was frankly pretty brutal and oppressive. As i was proud of making it 30 years in that system. And when i wrote about it, i tended to, you know, glorify. I was proud of having seth this is your book right in kitchen confidential. Kitchen confidential. And, you know, i wrote a book that, you know, i stand by. And that it was an honest representation of what i saw, what i went through, what i you know, the voices i heard and my own voice at the time. But i gave, you know, people would come up to me after this book, at meetings. I knew i had a problem within a couple years, because people would come up in fans. And theyd highfive me with one hand and slide me a packet of cocaine with the other. And im like, dude, did you not read the book . Drugs did not work out so great for me. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] so i think in some ways i kind of, you know, provided unwitting you know, i provided validation for a kind of meathead mentality, a bro you know, sort of meathead bro culture that, you know, has not been good, particularly for women. Dont want to think i lowered the level of discourse, but i dont think i helped it. Seth well, i think its interesting, because, you know, we have seen it in politics and weve certainly seen it in the Entertainment Industry and its we sometimes forget that this kind of stuff is happening across all industries. Specific to the food industry, do you think theres a chance that that culture will change . Do you think i think its going to have to change. You know, i think its a lot to ask hearts and minds of, you know, fully grown men who have come up in this system, frankly very oppressive system. Might be too late. But theyre going to have to whether they like it or not, whether their hearts and attitudes have changed or not, theyre going to have to contend with this. Theyre going to have to think about not you know, what is things that they see. Youre going to have to you know, account for yourself. You know, what did i do when at that important moment, you know what did i say . What kind of a person was i . Youre going to have to take not just what you take part in. Seth well, i think its great youre speaking out about it. I really appreciate it. And im just such a fan of the show. And thanks so much for being here. Its always such a pleasure seeing you. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] seth Anthony Bourdain, everybody Anthony Bourdain parts unknown airs sunday nights on cnn. Well be right back with aya cash. 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[ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest stars as gretchen in the critically acclaimed fxx show, you are the worst now in its 4th season with new episodes airing on wednesday nights. Lets take a look. What are you smiling about over there, like some sort of goony bird . Jimmy and i fell asleep on the phone last night. Awesome so do you think well be in the same home room together next year . I know it was just really nice. Does that mean youre back riding that gu i dont know well see, i guess. Well, what are you going to do about it . Im not really a do something about stuff kind of person. Im more like its too late to buy a wedding gift so ill just stop being friends with them kind of person. Seth please welcome to the show, aya cash, everyone [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome, aya thank you. Seth you are here on our halloween show. I am. Seth and as you can see, we decorated. tis halloweenesque. Seth are you a fan of halloween . Eh seth yeah, im with you. Yeah, i always want to be. Like i always regret that i didnt come up with something clever. Seth well, i think we live in an era where if you think of it even a month out, its too late. Because the people who really crush halloween are thinking about it so early these days. Yeah. I i try i thought i would be dressing my dog up, because im that kind of person. Seth uhhuh. A little kkk, so we seth oh, really . It was a banana costume. Seth it was a banana costume, okay. Yeah. Seth oh, but it comes to a point . Yeah, it wasnt the right choice. [ laughter ] seth but it was yellow, right . Yeah. But very light yellow. Seth oh, okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] like white yellow. Seth that doesnt really speak to the era were living in. That even light yellow, you go, kkk. Yeah, yeah. Seth im sorry that didnt work out. Your dog is named lucy tammy cash . She sure is. Seth so, its strange to have the full three names. You take it very seriously. Yes, well, she was lucy cash. Because we had to very quickly change her name from felicity when we were visiting the dogs in the rescue, her name was felicity which is a horrific name for a dog. Seth yeah, i think screaming felicity after your dog tells people way too much about you. [ laughter ] and takes so long. Felicity so we named her lucy cash, because my husband has no say. And i tammy comes from tammy taylor of friday night lights. Seth okay, but, so that was added later . Yes. That was once i had my wits about me. I realized i wanted the name to mean something. Seth oh, i see. So felicity you panicked, you had to move fast. So thats where lucy comes from. Yes. Seth and later you realized, oh, i should name it after coachs wife from friday night lights. Yes. Seth yeah, you have a your dog, i have a photo of your dog on your directors chair there. Thats a very cute dog. [ audience aws ] and is this often that you facetime with your dog . Because there you are facetiming. There you are. Yeah. Yeah, i mean, i have to go away for jobs, so we facetime. My husband since i want to talk to her more than him, so. Seth yeah, i get it. My wife is very similar. You all understand. Seth yeah. You have neighbors who really take halloween seriously. Yes, we do. Seth and at first i want to show what they this is this is this year. Seth this is insanely great. That is a giant bat outside a house. But they also they use their powers of the like, i guess what would you call that . Powers of decorating to burn you and your husband. Yeah. So well, one winter, my husband and i came upstate, and there was snow on the ground, and there were these giant tracks in the snow. Like big footprints. And we were like, oh, theres a giant monster bear that lives in our backyard seth right. And we were very freaked out and our neighbors came over and actually looked at the tracks and showed that, you know and tried to figure out what it was. And they all laughed at us, because they said, yeah, you have a bunny. Seth it was rabbit tracks . Well, because bunnies hop. So theres two feet, and then they jumped. Seth uhhuh. So it looks like theres a big seth well, it looks like theres a onelegged bear . [ laughter ] that would be one bear foot. Youre on the neighbors side, is what youre saying. Seth so, but then how do they get you, though . And im a city girl so like, i just dont seth yeah, i get that part, right. So nature is not seth yeah. I saw a milking cow for the first time. I thought it had a tumor. [ laughter ] so, you know, its not my thing. Seth yeah. So, yeah. So theyve been teasing about thinking that a bunny is a giant monster bear for a long time. And halloween that we were headed up, we got a phone call from them being like beware of that giant, you know, monster bunny. And were like, ha ha. And we get to our house, and we go into the backyard, and we see something in the pitchblack. And its like 6 feet tall, and we turn on our little iphone lights, like the city folk we are. And we shine the light. And there is a 6foottall monster bunny in our yard. [ light laughter ] neighbors built this and put that in your backyard. [ laughter and applause ] yeah. Seth thats really fantastic. You have such wonderfully crafty neighbors. Yeah, theyre all incredibly creative people who work normal jobs, and do this. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] i want to ask about this, because im going through this process now with our son. Hes a yearandahalf, hes starting to getting good with names. And my parents are trying to figure out what they want their grandparent names to be. And theres a lot of discussion. More than i care to have about this. But your grandmother had a fantastic name, which was champy. Thats what you call your grandmother. And it was because your grandmother actually was a wimbledon tennis champ. Yes. My grandmother won wimbledon. She won the u. S. Open four times. Seth wow. So i guess when i was born, she didnt want to be called grandma. Like all good narcissists in entertainment. [ laughter ] and until i was like 11, i didnt know that that wasnt her real name. [ laughter ] because i was a little slow. I mean, i was a jewish kid who thought maybe theres a santa claus at that age. [ laughter ] and, yeah. And my other grandparents from bubby and zaidy, and i thought that was their names which is just jewish. Seth yeah. Its just jewish. Its just yiddish for grandma and grandpa. Seth champy is pretty great. But now i would say like when you find out the person who had that name is an actual champion, you cant use it for anybody elses. No, my mom makes my dog call her lola, because i say my dog is her grand dog. And and lucy doesnt speak english. [ laughter ] its kind of a lost cause. Seth thats good, though lola is here. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Seth its such a delight to meet you. I really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] aya cash, everybody. Youre the worst airs wednesday nights on fxx. Well be right back with mor [ cheers and applause ] christmas marching band music drumsticks click let out your inner child at the lexus december to remember sales event. Lease the 2018 nx 300 for 319 a month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. Ated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena americas favorite cookie delicious Chocolate Candy oreo Chocolate Candy bars now also available in mint flavor [alarm beeps] let out your innerchild at the lexus december to remember sales event. Lease the 2017 rc turbo for 299 month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. This holiday, the best gift you can give, is your time. Volunteer at neighbhorhoodofgood. Com. State farm. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Before we move on with the show, i wanted to take a moment and wish some of our viewers a happy birthday. These are real birthdays that were sent to us on twitter. But, and im so sorry to do this, i also need to use this time to talk directly to my neighbor, dennis, and get some stuff off my chest. [ light laughter ] i was going to do them both separately, but we are actually running a little short on time so im going to try to do them together. So just bear with me, please. Happy birthday to acadia gaver of columbus ohio. I hope you have a special day. [ cheers and applause ] dennis stop stealing the New York Times from my front door. And, no, its not okay if you return it the next morning with your name in all the headlines. [ light laughter ] i dont believe that yesterday you flew to russia to discuss sanctions with vladimir putin. [ laughter ] also, why do you fill in the crossword puzzle with numbers and the sudoku with letters. Its creepy. [ laughter ] order your own paper, dennis. [ applause ] happy birthday to evan morgan portland, oregon. May all your birthday wishes come true, evan. [ cheers and applause ] dennis [ light laughter ] i dont have a problem with you ordering chinese food at 2 00 in the morning. Thats fine. But can you stop having screaming matches with the delivery guy about how hes, quote, boning you on the price . [ laughter ] the price is the price, dennis. Also, we dont operate on a barter system. No one is going to ever agree to trade general tsos chicken for your old Reo Speedwagon cds. [ laughter ] just pay the man and eat your food, dennis [ light laughter ] happy birthday to brittany ciavarella of new york, new york. We hope you had a fantastic day and an even better year. [ cheers and applause ] dennis im going to nip this in the bud right now. Dont knock on my door to trick or treat next year. Im not going to give you candy. Youre a 56yearold man and im 99 sure you have diabetes. [ laughter ] also, if you are going to trick or treat, at least dress up as something. Wearing a tank top and saying youre bruce willis in die hard is lazy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] happy birthday to michelle romis of hawley, pennsylvania. Shine brightly, michelle, for you are the brightest star in our galaxy. [ cheers and applause ] dennis our building has a doorman and security cameras. You dont need to booby trap your apartment. And dont say its okay because the kid from home alone did it. Youre not stopping burglars. Also, edna from 12 g almost broke her hip because of the loose marbles in the hallway. Stop it, dennis [ light laughter ] [ applause ] happy birthday to abbey sammett of new york, new york. May the wind catch your sails and pull you into the port of happiness. [ laughter ] dennis i have a message for your weird cousin, brett, who is always hanging around the building. Brett im not going to invest 1,000 in your new app, so stop asking me. You know why . Because i dont think theres a market of people who want to rent fish from your aquarium. [ laughter ] finally, happy birthday, brett. I had a great weekend withou puffer, nemo. They were great rates and theyre good fish. [ cheers and applause ] and happy birthday, everyone, whether its your birthday or not. Well be right back with todd barry. [ cheers and applause ] i want you to take it easy. Go slow. Come on mom lets go mom slow down for the ones who keep pushing. Always unstoppable. Why do people put why does your tummy go grumbily, grumbily, grumbily . No more questions for you ouph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk without that annoying lactose. Good, right . Mmm, yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. Nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. Only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. Guaranteed. Even the most perceptive noses wont notice the trash. Be happy. Its glad. 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Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. Oh, its actually. Sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Our next guest, a very funny comediwh comedians tour of notquitethebiggestcities in the world is on stands now. Please welcome to the show, the very funny, todd barry, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome oh, thanks for having me, man. I just im excited i just got to meet Anthony Bourdain. Seth oh, that is exciting. [ light laughter ] why is that funny . I dont know why. [ light laughter ] anyway, we got to trade sort of brutal road stories. He was like, oh, yeah, i i once got bitten by a rattlesnake while i was eating its small intestine. And i was like, oh, yeah, well, i was once staying at a days inn in ogden, utah, and the breakfast buffet run out of captain crunch. [ light laughter ] so i win. Seth very, very similar experiences. Yes. Seth im very glad to have you here tonight. This is our 600th show. You actually reached out on twitter the night of our first show. First show, you were nice enough to say, hey, seth meyers, can i be the lead guest on your show tonight . Ill mark my calendar. Notjoking. Clearmycalendar. And then you can see that was 11 30 a. M. , february 24th, 2014. So, i apologize that its taken us this long. [ laughter ] i know you wanted to work out kinks before you brought me on. Seth yeah, i didnt want to have you out on a bumpy talk show. Wow, i completely forgot about that. Its nice that im giving you a second chance. [ laughter ] seth it is really nice. You actually made your Television Debut on this franchise when it was late night with David Letterman. Thats a true story. When i was 18, i was living in south florida. And lettermans show had just started and they had that viewer mail segment where they actually read actual letters. And this is when you would actually write a letter, 1982. So i thought, hey, this is a way to get on tv. And i was 18 years old, and i just wrote him a letter and i basically lied and said that i did a Paul Schaeffer impression. But the le w situation. I do an excellent impression of your band leader, Paul Schaeffer. A, fly me to new york, and pay for everything and ill do it on your show. Or b, call me and ill do it over the phone. And he actually called me. Seth he actually called and we actually have tape. This is todd barrys Television Debut. Near fort lauderdale. Oh, well that gives us generally an idea. Thats a nice area of the country there. I noticed, todd, the phone didnt ring. You just picked it up. Did it ring there . Yeah, thats the way that thing works. [ laughter ] seth just being a wise ass. I know. [ applause ] its crazy, because i at age 18, i was a wise ass to David Letterman and now over 30 years later, im nervous talking to you. [ laughter ] seth you were on, and then you were on lettermans show eight times. Right. Seth doing stand up. Right. Seth youve been doing stand up obviously for a long time. Tonight is anniversary of sorts . Actually, tomorrow, november 1st, is my 30th anniversary of the first time i did standup. Its really great. Obviously, it speaks to what an important night that was for you that you remember it. Like, that was obviously a night where you knew you were going to do something that mattered to you. I mean, at the time, i did. I i mean, yes, i did. No, i just it was a thing that was during the 80s and that you could they had all these open mics and theres comedy boom of the 80s. And you could literally just call up and go, yeah, i want to be a comedian tomorrow. Like, okay, well see you tomorrow. [ light laughter ] so i did an open mic night at Coconuts Comedy Club in north miami beach, florida. And i was armed with a blistering five minutes of circumcision and mcdonalds material. Seth wow, how was how did your circumcision stuff go over . It was good, because i was wise and i used the word pecker. Seth oh, yeah. [ laughter ] so that really kind of went, oh, that was punchy, right . [ laughter ] seth pecker in the 80s was a very fresh word. That guy is an edgy dude. Seth so you wrote your book. And you Pay Attention to things, i know, obou are you paying attention to reviews, ratings . I do. And then sometimes theres surprises, like, the day the paper back came out. I dont know if you have it seth i have i have this. And i have i have your amazon page. Oh yeah, look, this is real. Seth this is real. So heres your rating. Very high rating. Four and a half stars. Thats great. Number one new release, in dancer biographies. [ laughter ] seth this does not yeah seth look like a dancers body. Take that baryshnikov. Seth so, congratulations and we i mean obviously you have all these things you can expect with your book you probably didnt expect dancer biographies to be no, and i dont think i i maybe once danced at a wedding, like, 38 years ago. Seth yeah. Did you put that in the book . I did. And that became a dance biography. [ laughter ] seth one of the things you do is, you you use twitter. Yes, i do. Seth i really enjoy you on twitter. Oh thank you. Seth and you started a campaign. Explain free stuff for todd. Well, i [ laughter ] guessed what it is. [ laughter ] its a hashtag free stuff for todd, which is maybe im biased, but i think its the ideal way for me to get stuff for free that other people pay for. Seth yeah. So i just write to companies, and i just basically make a little joke, and i say, send me what you make, and im not going to pay for it. Seth yeah, like, here you go. Hey, heres one. Hey, nespresso u. S. A may i have a free coffee maker. George clooney would put in a word for me, thanks. Freestufffortodd. [ light laughter ] that got nothing. Seth nothing. Hey, drew barrymore, heard about barrymore wines. How about sending a sample to a fellow celeb . I was in the wrestler. [ light laughter ] nothing . Nothing. Youre finding examples where it didnt actually work. Seth oh, yeah. I hope this one worked. I thought this was this was a sad story. Hey, kind snacks, they give out your bars on flights to san francisco. Dropped it on lavatory floor. Please send a free case. [ laughter ] nothing. Nothing. Seth what have you done . Whats the best whats the best haul youve gotten from free stuff for todd . Well i got a really highend litter b. [ laughter ] thats great. I got some pop chips. Seth oh, good. Oh, free commercial. I got some chips. Seth wait. They send you free stuff for todd and youre not going to drop the product . Well thats the beauty of the way i do it is that i will ask for stuff and then i wont do anything in return. [ laughter ] seth oh, so you never tweeted, like thanks for the stuff pop chips. No, no, because i feel like thats tacky to pose next to some pop chips. Hey, everyone, who doesnt get stuff for free. Seth oh, i see. Look what i got for free. Seth so you want the stuff for free, you dont want to make a big show of it. Right. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i feel like you think theres some holes in what im saying. Seth no, i just feel like, we maybe, i feel like the next round of free stuff for todd might go worst based on how honest youre being about how little youre going to give back. Oh, my god, youre right. Seth yeah. I always i get a billboard out. [ laughter ] and i pay for a fullpage ad in the New York Times. Seth just send your stuff to todd. Hes worth it. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. Todd barry, everybody. Thank you for coming to hattiesburg is on sale now wherever books are sold. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to Anthony Bourdain, aya cash, todd barry, everyone anton fig, nikolai fraiture, the 8g band. See you tomorrow, everybody. Stay tuned for carson. [ cheers and applause ] carson hey whats up, everybody youre watching last call im carson daly from hyde here in west hollywood. Thanks for tuning in. On the show tonight Janina Gavankar is going to be in our spotlight