Thats very nice. Welcome, brooklyn. Ching at home. Wear on the road beaming into your heads from the Howard Gillman opera house at the Brooklyn Academy of music in brooklyn, new york. [ cheers and applause ] plean o sit. Thank you very much. Was there enough bike parking for everyone here tonight . This is our third time broadcasting from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ]n last but a lot has were here 2015. Bedstuy is the ticket 5ac i now. Oi tofarella level is. 375 rht nights in a row. Yesterday, shes 3 y if sh [ chrs aindow ope d, it ] ers. Every time we come line Something Weird happens. Breaking news out of prospect park, brooklyn. A cow is on th the cow is near aere. A in l. A. We go through a similar thing every out of h this cow slaughterhouse the only one that hasnt been converted into an art a field which parents you is the worst place world to they h it, took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. The police were able to wrangle bull was arrested and charged with endangerment guys might be going overboard with the farm to table thing. The bull will not end up under a slice of m they have a policy where if an animal escapes a slaughterhouse, it g [ cheers and applause ] the bull is being sent rehabilitation facility for misbehaving cows. Bad news its also where they sent harvey oh is it too soon . Im not sure if its too soon yet. We have a great show for you. A man i admire intensely, david letters he david letter i dont knthis, David Letterman is to me whae. If d that i am he is here tonight, he wo circumstances be here if that isnt enough, and by god, dont you think it ought to be, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all week, mr. Paul shaffer [ cheers and applause ] thajimm cletones be rocking. Ith my h us, paul. Oualso we have music from fifth harmony. re jim illermo we kn jim now i understand whats goin on. G. Yeahank you. Le bit drunk. Hi, everybody [ cheers and applause ]illermo. What they call a brooklyn it nt. Jimmy it looksody. Hi, everybody jimmy as you know, brooklyn is home to many great cooks and nslds est maker of fortune alled ton food, theyre based in brooklyn. Nd city. I happen to love a good Fortune Cookie so we took fi to to learn how they put those cookies and to maybe write a few of our own. This is the place . Jimmy yeah. Lets check this out. Nice meet did you carry him all theway . Jimmy e exhausted. Jimmy how do i look . Ook good too. Kiesod floor. Jimmy these are them . These are them. Er the batter goes e baked and then here is packing part of it jimmy when you say they get baked, these people are high . I meant the cookies. Jimmy the cookies themselves. Jimmy how manys are in one of these rolls . 4,000. Jimmy 4,000 fortunes in here. You write everything . I didnt write every one of them, no. Jimmy do people who are gluten free ever just buy the roll . No. Itself. Jimmy were going to make a lot of money you and i. I would love to help but i know guille help write some fortunes. That would be great. Jimmy then you need to meet the vetting committee. Jimmy this vetting committee, does it have to be unanimous . Yes. It does. Its a health process. Ladies and guys or just guys . Es well do good. Ah, especially in these hats. This is where you write the fortunes . This is where we write the fortunes. T as magical as i imagined. A tiny office. Little tiny office. Little desk. Jimmy this is where its actually qui poet effect you think about life. And the flight of the american worker. You know what im saying . Ill give you guys a little time. Jimmy heres a little time, well work on it. Ill come back and check on you guys. Jimmy thank you. Well ge i cant think of anything. What are you i put money is not everything but you can buy a lot of expensive things. Is that good . Jimmy it is, yeah. Iteally good. Im going to write it almoney is not everything. Thats not che jimmy hat was give me another one. I have another one. Jimmy uhhuh. Mexic [ laughter than chinese food. Swhat jimmy almost. But not exactly. I have a period seching us. What about this . Thats a good one. Jimmy theres fried rice in your goatee. Fortu you might get a good one or you may not. [ laughter ] jimmy i liket too. Jimmy if you read this out loud, you will get syphili wow, thats a good one. Jimmy yeah, thank you. So how are you doing . Jimmy i think were doing well. We wrote a bunch of them. I feel like the vettin committee will love them. Ould be great if wment from yo the commitbefore we start. Definitely. Jimmy great. He introduct lets do it. Really nervous right now. Me too. Im the last member of the committee. Jimmy youre the vetting bitch. Friend guillermo. He will begin with my first idea. My first idea. Jimmy thats what i said. Read it. Co plickens hav die before you peo [ laughter ] we even lost alice on that one. Zero. Jimmy go ahead, guillerm theyre not fresh. [ laughter ] thats a no . All right. You will soon be coming into largcoupon one thumbs . You will fa lucky numbe13, 18, 27, 9. All thumsomew yeah thank you very much, thankk jimmy i think maybe we should have a tequila shot quila. Jimmy i happ all right, lets do it jimmy how do you say cheers in chinese . [ toasting in chinese ] jimmy peoplse Fortune Cookies, were. Jimmy thank you. And rew opportunfor you. Ats jimmy ye cond applause ] jimmy the one me the bus shows up. Thanks toryone harmll be right [ cheers and applause ] its exactly what i asked for. Let out your inner childus december to remember sales event. O for 299 a m experience amazing at your lexus dealer. But some people st grocery bags. Getting a baowded trains. Turnstiles that dont turn. An theresfaction o and for a limited time get a 100 reward card. 1800directv suld houl ou s an you dance liile da dance lid can y dance like you should like you sho that is the worlds most dangerous bandleader er, cleto and the cletones all this week. This is night two of pauls miniresidency with us. A mini resideket like britney spears. Call me britney now on. Jimmy ill do that, thank you, britney. Le album. Its called fifth harmony and so are they. Fifth harmony, live from the title x benefit Concert Center treet at Barclays Center morrow night, howard stern will be here. Ca tracy morganrprise or two along the way. s tim show hosars ago, our first guest left us to fend for ourselve ae. Nned [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] welcome. Thank you. Jimmy thank you fo im so excited to be here. Its so goofamous people laughter ] just to be out of the house, ladies and gentlemen and paul, you didnt tell me you work h i was afraid to tell you. When in the heck did that happen . Thank you. Jimmy thats britney, he goes by britney now. Thats what i understand. Hodoing, and thank you, and thank you everybody. Its very nice. [ cheers and applause ] im doing well. Jimmy how are you doing . Ill tell you something laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. I dont know if youve had this problem for a year. I have been looking high and i am determi that looks good untucked. I ca. Webs couthe late show . Or is this something you had to go out and get on your [ laughter ] can i talk to you, jimmy . Talk. You know me, im a celebrit [ laughter ] and when stuff happens, just to give you an example, ill start slow. Many its, many, many years ago my niece got married. E getting married, you want like a big thing and a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner and all that crap, and presents. So i thought long anrd and said i have to get big impressive presents because i ame top star of the day. [ laughter ]nd you get a set of tires. And you wrap them up vidually so you have four enormous gifts. And theyre tires. So i thought, well, this is fantastic. My work is done here. Wh they . Think one time, because youre in show business and you would get the joke, i s. Jimmy i didnt take it as a joke, the ties tha beauty. That one shouldnt have gone out. Thats a beauty. Jimmy i will give this back to you. You sent me a few days after you left the late show, a box of what appeared to be all of yourtiesect. Jimmy i was quite delighted by that. Thats how its supposed to work. Jimmy i still am delighted. And one time my agents son ving a bar mitzvah, sent carton of cigarettes. [ laughtmy great gift. Its only a joke. We all understand that. You understand it. The kid understood it. Everybody diired or i retire jimmy okay. All a blur now. And people were mindlessly saying nice things about me. You were effusive. Jimmy yes, yes. By the way, for the purpose of this conversation, have nothing but the highest regard for all the talk show women, evenll include him. [ laughter ] jimmy thats nice. Yeah. So people were saying nice things so i sent you the ties. And conan obrien, who is like some sort of god on mt. Olympus. He runs around telling people he went to harvard. We dont know. So he goes on my old show, the Stephen Colbert show. Jimmy on friday. He wrote something that was just beautiful. Do you remember that . The thing conan wrote for you . Yeah. No, i dont remember it. [ laughter ] [ applause ]ee thi tonight on jimmys show, he is talking to an aging vague vagrant. The viewer guide will say that. Thaanyway, conan. S the t opportunity to send a [ bleep ] show business gift. O . Ill send him a horse. In hollywood livestock and stuff for shows, things like that. And i get a couple of cowboys and ill send him out a horse. And the idea will be that hell have the horse on the show and the horse will take a dump on the show and it will be hilarious. Isn jim send someone a horse. Yeah. So like two or three days gs have gone terribly wrong. I get this lovely letter from conan saying, my wife loves the horse and she is going to keep the horse be. Are you jewish . Er no. One guy, so now im screwed because i was counting on him returning the horse and id get my money back. [ laughter ]return a horse . A terr. So i dont hear anything about it until conan shows up on the lhat i to be on10 kolber. And now hes lost his mind. Did you see it . My i did. I watch was he like a crazy man . Jimmy not only did i see it but he complained to me personal thats none of your business why would he complain to you . Jimmy about the horse. Like its my fault . Jimmy well, you did send him the horse in all fairness. It was a joke. Take a dump on the stage. Load him up and get him back. [ laughter ] thats what it was. Jimmy you dont think the horse knewsed so now i didnt see it. But from what inferpeople arewill and thing happened. Maybe its being around conan all jimmy the horse is said to be unrideable. Of course he is unrideable. All he had to do was take a dump on the stage. Now he there may be litigation. And maybe ill get a call from peta. And apparenthis part . Jimmy the horse broke into his mansion . That i dhear. A was kicked in the head. Really. No good. No, thats no good. So if you run into conan, it was supposed to be a joke. How crazy can the horse be . Y. I dont want to defend conan. Bottom line it sounds like you are defending him. Jimmy bottom line you sent me the better gift is what im sayi it is not kickin head. [ cheers and applause ] for the s had sent you the horse, there would be none of this my wife loves it, were keeping the has a half achor in studio ci where is he going to keep the damn horse . Jimmy i think thats the question he was asking too. The point is no good deed goes unpunished. Jimmy and also when in doubt, an edible arrangement is a nice gift. [ applause ] for when youre on the tonight show. David letterman is with us. [ cheers and applause ] hris the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel hes got a purple heart. bruce we started talking about the service. I outrank him. chris [laughs] yeah. On wheels reaches so many people. Its impactful beyond anything ive ever his s a lot to me. vo through the subaru share the love event, weve helped deliver over onepoint seves to those in get subaru and well donate chris and bruce put a little love in your heart. What is that . The google pixel 2. What can it do . A lot. Can it tell me when to leave . Yes, now. And the fastest way there . Can it take a selfie just by saying take a selfie . Yep. Take a selfie. What happens if i snap this . It gives you info. What happens if i snap her . She likes it. Do i still have to sit here for ages . No, it charges in fifteen minutes. Will it ever do this . Never. What happens if i squeez try it. Google pixel 2 hi, im your google assistant. How can i help . Hello. So. Its a phone . Well its a phone by google. Toasting dad im not one for speeches. But here to many more years of fri to presents a mi familia que lo es todo. To being right here, right now, with you. Sfx dog bark. And you. Toasting dad i guess what im trying to say is heres to family. Were proud to bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshal jimmy paul shaffer with the band, David Letterman is in the guest chair. Thats for you, dave. Thank you, paul. My old again, im here but everybody here used to work for me. Very, very strange. How did i end up without a show . Jimmy youre more than nono no. Jimmy you have a show now. Then no one would have a well, we would be down to jimmy. Jimmy tell me about the netflix show if you would. Will there be a studio audience for the show . These are good qution do you know what they do . You have a movie you like . What a you like . Jimmy spiderman. So you call them up. They got a warehouse somewhere. And somebody goes through and they find spiderman. They get the disk put it in an envelope with your name on the son o Jimmy Netflix isnt doing that anymore. Theyre not . My theres a whole new wifi oh. I dont know anything about that. It increases the possibility of electric cution in your own home. Jimmy do you have a title for the show . No. But were looking for interesting guests. Jimmy looking for guests yes. I heard you asked howard stern to be a guest. Yeah, i think he would be good. Dont you think . Jimmy i think hed be great. The thing i like ab he seems to be nervous about it. And any time you can get howard rvous, i think yng. Jimmy you mentioned you would welcome donald trump and the pope, and pope francis on the show. Would that be together, or would that be separate . Ill tell you w you know the commercial where saws a row boat in half . Then he, with someind of sealant, he puts it back together . Jimmy you got him . We got his brother. Jimmy his brother, thats big. Were all set to go. Jimmy this mark twain prize thats happening at the kennedy are you feeling more comfortable now accepting accolades . No, no, it is a fixed fight. They have to have somebody show up and im not doing anything. Aid ill be there. And by the way, thank you for your participation. Jimmy thank you for asking me. I would have been devastated if you hadnt. I almost feel like you asked me because you knew how upset i would be if i were excluded from this event. Thats true. Jimmy yeah. Youre not thinking about leaving, right . Thisevtutwor, re. Yeah. Jimmy howyears. It will be [ cheers and a i wouldnt think its time to ht where you want to be now. Jimmy i guess so. You miss it . I miss wearing makeup. Thats the best. Do you band and we get to wear makeup and play music. Up the old band feels seeing you up there with new guys . Absolutely pissed. Er ] yo feel you entirely person. Jimmy in what way . Which is good t god, because the great struggle in life is to be better each and every day. And if you take a d the horizon of humanity, is there anything we can do big or mak person a little bit better . And thatl accomplishment. [ cheers im profiling for you fede after bein jimmy retired. Willingly retired. There was a whole thing. There was a show and everyone paid tribute. Oh, thats right. Jimmy have you ever seen any of that . Sense you left . No. Have you seen yourself on television . No. Jimmy if it came on would you turn im not going to watch this show tonight. [ laughter ] not because of you. Jimmy no i understand. Because of me. Do you watch yourself on tv . Jimmy never, ever, ever. When i see myself, i change the channel. Its too awkwar i was in colorado and im lost. Hopelessly lost. A coffee shop. Ee shop. Its like beans and things or whatever they call it. [ light so i remember seei drive from the airport so i know im in the genery of so i walk in. Im not wearinut im clothed. Hter ] and i know i bring this on myself because of the beard. Have a beard yourself. The time about shaving . Jimmy no, they like mine. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy its kempt. I loo statue. I know. [ laughter ] jimmy theres talk you might get removed. I was, i have been removed. I heard that, paul, its not funny. So i go into the sto i she sahe that se n some happy to. So she writes it out. Go down here its going street, turn right on anderson street. Then you go to deep valley or some colorado name. Then you go to pine valley. All the wa so im looking at them. Shes got lights and speed limits. A wonderful bit of diagramming. And a lovely young woman. And i said this is fantastic. Thank you. Youve saved my life. And i said how long will this take me to get there . And she looks at me. And im like this, more or less. And she says, are you walking . [ laughter ] yeah. Im walking. Im walking to the airport. Jimmy dave, i am so grateful for you being here tonight. I do have something for you. Oh please. Jimmy i have a Little Something for you. No no dont do this. Jimmy it became available today. I dont want it. Jimmy we have it o i dont want it. Jimmy i think youll like its a baby bull. We found it walking around. Jimmy what is it . A baby bull. Hes been wandering brooklyn and now hes all yours. Ill take it. Ill take it. Jimmy David Letterman. [ cheers and applause ] i take the p ] bull. Do i leave now . Well let paul play first. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live brought to you by the kmart bluelight special. Kmart. Com. [ america by simon and garfunkel ] can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. E volkswagen atlas. With l co lifes as big as you make it. Ttle saint nick little saint nick. Its the li nailed it ehhh, well work on it. Take notes, son. Number one tmobile gives you two iphone 8s for the price ofme gift, and so does the next guy. Youre one wise dude, dad. Say itne wise du great things come in twos when you holiday together at tmobile. Right now, buy one iphone 8 and get one on u just press clean and roomba from irobot gets to work using two multisurface brushes and powerlifting suction to grab and remove everything from fine dust to large debris. Daily dirt doesnt stand a chance. You and roomba from irobot. Better together. France, for a character all its own. Grey goose. Give the worlds best tasting vodka. When kids get really excited about my childrens books thats the best reaction. I know things about great white sharks whats great about paint 3d, its exciting to see a shark come to life and come off the page. With the windows 10 pc, to be able to draw right on the screen and create something three dimensional, is amazing. N it and light it and have these different effects. With my mac, i cant do when you see that the work creates a feeling in a kid feels great. And its addictive, you want to keep doing it, you know . [ america by simon and garfunkel ] the 7seater volkswagen atlas. Lifes as big as you you want my bread . Theres plenty of bread. E before google home whats wr way to cone 90 island is to the m strain. It doesnt go to coney island its the r, you take the r. Ive been taking the m since you were born. Ive been taking the r since you were born. Youre both wrong. You take the q. The q goes from flat bush to coney island. Why dont you stay out of it youre upsetting your grandmother listen to me i was right about the m train then and im still right now. You are right and you are wrong, thats different from right, you dont know different from wrong. Jimmy wrong is different from right. You dont know your ass from your elbow. Jimmy theres no point fighting. We can ask an expert. Google, how many subway stations are located in brooklyn . According to wikipedia, there are 170 new yo stations in brooklyn. Jimmy and she did that rsing or yelling or anything. Very quietly. Hey, google, what train do you takebush to coney island . The from flatbush to cone 90 i train is q departinat 10 20 p. M. Q . Immy i to youhe youre right. Jimmy i said the q. Big deal. Jimmy can we please be quiet and eat . Ive been eating. Hey, can i borrow that . Jimmy do you have wifi in 1978 . I dont know. Elea wifi was invented and first [ bleep you got some mouth go wash our uth ou i cant bely talk like. Dicky google mi assistant. Ask it qu things. A littl goog [ cheers a e ] google home mini. E assistant fo so it gets you. If you mumble. miniorish it gets you. His add worcestershire sauce to my cart. It still gh ok addin and if youre like hey google, play my love playlist. truly madly deeply by Savage Garden plays oh really . Play my love playlist. pony ginuwine plays oh yeah. It also knows the difference between you and him. Its google home mini, and the rest of the google home family. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course theyre chips. Chips. Plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Ooooh. Dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big drooves. Ch dang right for really building. Able. Edible mom. When it comes to helping her daughter shopping for groce unclogging setting updentist appointments and planningirthday parties, nobody does it better. Shes also i s less confident. Fortunately r maortgage by quicken l its simple,he can understand the details. And be sure shes getting simply. Undersmortgage confidently. [ ] hurry in to old navy. This wednesday through friday only, geire puayhase. E for dollar. For every pair sold, old navy will donate one dollar to boys and girls clubs up to a million dollars. Get fifty percent off your entire purchase this wednesday through friday, at old navy. Saw the change in rich when we moved into the new house. But having his parents over was enlightening. You dont like m no, its good. Hmm. Oh. Both laugh ] here, blow. Bl you seit, right . Is there a draft in here . Im telling you, its so easy to get Home Insurance on progressive. Com. Progressive cant save you parents. But we can save you money when you bundle home and auto. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Music from fifth harmony is on the way. Weve got oh my goodness. Whats going on over here . Excuse me. Ir. What are you doing . Where is my bus . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy where are you going . Im just sitting here r a jimmy oh, yeah. I heard you were in brooklyn. Jimmy i am in brooklyn. And im going to be a few blocks away. Tonight at the barclay center. Under the title x. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the benefit concert. Raising money in support of puerto rico and the various victims of the various hurricanes. Thats a beautiful thing to do. Is this real, you read . P . I tell you, if they would spend as much timeat i can do than what i cant, aise m [ cheers and applause ]s jz i je l op a lot of o jennifer lopez. Going to do a few songs. Djyoleu d ise ppeerforming thee sh show. Is is going to be some sw. Tdience e jimmy probably not possible. No, no, n i brought enough tickets for the entire audie wonde taking everyone ienc Stevie Wonder, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] god bless you. Jimmy and god bless you. Well be right back with fifth harmony dicky rooklyn on new charmin ultra soft its s char mi and its san ever. So its harder to resist weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Dicky music in brooklyn on Jimmy Kimmel Live is brought t the best or nothing. Jimmy i dont know what to say. David letterman and Stevie Wonder on one show. I might as well retire. It will never get better than this. Thank you so much, stevie. Stevie is taking the whole audience to the title x show. [ cheers and applause ] id like to thank David Letterman and Matthew Broderick and apologies to ran out of time. Nightline is next. But first this is their selftitled album. Here with the song he like that from the tidal x show at Barclays Center fifth harmony mmm pumps and a bump pumps and a bump you got that good boy attitude and yeah i kind like it tats on got a bad girl excited you put that bass i wont you beat it up inside it i got that pumps and a bump and you know you wanna try it pumps and a bump pumps and a bump he like the girls with the pumps and a pumps and a bump pumps and a bump i be that girl with the pumpa bu li bomb bomb he love love im like that drug drug drug when he on it one ta bomb b he like that love love love im like that drug drug drug he trip when he on it one taste and he want it he got th know how to hide it he got that dope boy cash but he get it nine to fiveing he got a thing for them girls i k but i still a try it pumps and girls with the pumps and a bump pumps and a bump a bump i be that girl with the pumps and a bump that bang ang bang he like that bomb bomb bomb he like that love love love im like that drug drug drug he trip when he on one taste and he want it one taste and he want it he like that bang bang like that bo like that love ve im like that drug drug drug iike that drug he trip when he on it on it one g he love that bang he love that bomb bomb bomb t hit and run he lose his brain he stupid dumb he stupid dut is some pumps and a bump pumps and a bump he like the pumpand a bump oh pumps and a bump you know he wants some wants some pumps and a bump i be that girl with the pumps and a bump he like that bang bang bang he like that bom love im lik trip when he on it nt it he ha loveug drug e ste and nightline. Tonight charlie rose fired. At least eight women now accusing the veteranournalist of sexual harassment. His cbs this cohost expressing i am not okay. Women cannot achieve equ workplace or in society unre reckoning. And President Trump breaking his silence about accused predator Alabama Senate candidate roy moore. What do you say to women . Roy moore denies it thats all i can say, he denies it. The left to bear arms . Meet members of the liberal gun club. Hillary and bernie voters packing heat. And while across the aisle their ultraconservative brother in arms. My bernstein and