Times a toddler gets to make a big decision. What are you going as . The problem with that is, little kids change their minds every 11 seconds. You can order a paw patrol costume and then she wants to go as mcstuffins. I have two olders kids so i know this. My wife asked our daughter, what do you want to be . And she said i dont want to be a princess for halloween. I want to be wonder woman. No one ever megsed being a princess. And even though he wonder woman does not wear a cape, we were excited. Shes tough. We ordered the costume on amazon and four seconds later it arrives at our house. We open the box and you know, we showed it to her. Heres your wonder woman costume. Do you want to try it on . She said no, i dont wonder. Im not wonder woman. Im jane. I dont wonder. [ applause ] now were wondering what the hell were going to do for a costume. My older daughter went as a door. I made her a door costume with a knob and everything. The neighbors would open the door and see another door. That was a good costume. Meanwhile, another toddler news, President Trump continues to with his own secretary of state. Last week we learned that Rex Tillerson righthander to trump as a quote fing moron behind his back. Trump tweeted the story was false. Clearly this is still eating at the president. This morning in a new interview with forbes magazine, they asked him about it and he said i think its fake news. If he did that, i guess well have to compare i. Q. Tests and i can tell you who was going to win. Rex tillerson, right . [ applause ] it has to be him. No intelligent person would get into an i. Qushs contest with his own secretary of state, right . Just that rules you out right there. At this point im not sure donald trump could finish the maze on the back of a dennys kids menu. Do you think hes ever even taken an i. Q. Test . I would definitely pay 100 to watch Rex Tillerson and donald trump take i. Q. Tests against each ooflt make no mistake. And i guarantee the next day, Kellyanne Conway would be saying that the lower the number, the better the score. Just one of many battles. The nfl, trump is fighting with bob corker, the republican senator. Today he tweeted the failing New York Times set little bob corker up by recording his conversation was made to sound a fool and thats what i am deal with. If you dont know how to spell little, dont start an i. Q. Battle with anybody. Trump and Rex Tillerson had lunch today which im sure was a lot of fun. You have to cut the president some slack. He is very smart. The reason i know this is because he says it over and over again. Is donald trump an intellectual . Trust me. Im like a smart person. Number one. Im not stupid. I can tell you that right now. And i was a good student. I understand things. I comprehend very well. Okay . Better than, i think, almost anybody. Im a very smart person. I went to the best school. I went to an ivy league school. I am very highly educated. I know words. I had the best words. Putin did call me a genius. People say im the super genius of all time. Im really smart. Im like a smart person. Im like a really smart person. Im a smart person. Im a big thinker. Im a man of great common sense. Im one of the smartest people in the world. Jimmy and also one of the most humble people in all the world. This is an unsettling and terrifying item. A company in london, a broad band company worked with an evolutionary biologist to figure out what the human hand would look like if it evolved around a smartphone. What if our hands adapt to make it easier to text and what not. This is what they came up with. The human hand. Can you imagine hitchhiking with that hand . A pointy index finger for better navigation, pads on for grip, a crooked thumb and pinky, and an indented palm so the phone can rest on it. The least bleebl thing is the smart watch. I feel like our hands should at least be fatter, right . If after all these years, mens hands still havent adapt to masturbation, i dont think the smartphone will get there first. [ applause ] we have a strong show tonight with vance joy and whitney cummings, and Chris Hemsworth is here. And in honor of the show tonight, you got hammered tonight. The premier is right across the street tonight. We have an exclusive clip from the movie to show you. It is a big day for nerds. Last night during monday night football, a new trailer for the new star wars movie was released and they even had storm trumaners on the field. At first i thought the president sent them in to crack down on the protest but it turned out we dodged one there. Tickets for star wars went on sale right after the trailer finished. And unfortunately, if you didnt get them last night, youre too late. It is completely sold out forever. Youll have to wait to see it on tbs or something. The new movie is called star wars, the last jedi. It is not technically a sequel. That was a prequel to star wars the new hope. The last jedi is a sequel to the force awakens which itself you dont care . Anyway, the new trailer has lots of action. The thing everybody seems to be going nuts over are the porgs. These are cute Little Creatures that live on the island luke sky walker has been hiding on and theyre the toy well be beating other people over the head for at target this christmas. In the trailer, you couldnt make out what the porg was saying. But we were able to get the enhanced audio and i think youre going to like it. Thats the porg. Porg. How they come one these names, i dont know. But ill sure that word will be part of our lives like awok and wookie. This is a huge phenomenon online. We went on the street today one night after the trailer premier and asked people, have you looked at porg . Do you look at porg . No. Youre sure. Okay, yes. What have you watched . Mixed. Do you remember the first time you saw porg . No, i dont. It was so long ago. How old were you the first time you saw porg . If i had to recall, i was probably 12. Have you ever cleared your browsing history to make it look like you havent watched it . Yes. What kind of genres do you like . Hot guys in general. What did you watch . Black, women, sometimes a little bbw. How many times a week would you say you look at porg . Three or four times. Have you ever watched porg . Once or twice. I feel like ill watching it right now. . 3d . Actually, my friend in high school was in porno. Besides that, no. What was hers about . She did it for 500 because she likes sex and she loves money. Thats the only porno ive ever seen. How do sex and money have to do with porg . Because you have sex for money. Pork . Porg. What are you talking about . So its popular. Very popular. Jimmy one other thing i want to mention. Frank sinatras former manager, a gentleman named elliott wiceman called the way it was with Frank Sinatra. In it he tells a story of the Heated ExchangeFrank Sinatra had in 1990 with a casino owner named donald trump. The story goes, he was working a deal with Frank Sinatra to do 12 shows to open are. Taj mahal and trump city. This guy wiseman was working with died in a helicopter crash. Since the deal hadnt been finalized yet, trump brought wiseman back in to renegotiate the terms to try to pay sinatra less than they had agreed upon. When frank heard the new lower offer, wiseman said he told trump to go f himself and even offered his personal phone number in case trump wanted to hear that directly from him. It is amazing. People are rising from the dead to curse at donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i dont know if the story is true but it does come from a reliable source. If only there was a way to verify whether or not this really happened. Like if there was some sort of doobie doobie jimmy whoa jimbo are you looking for me . Im ready to ring a ding ding everybody jimmy the ghost of Frank Sinatra. Youre damn right. Im busy banging ghost broads. Jimmy i wanted to ask you about the story of donald trump. Oh, that guy. He is a doobie doobie douche bag. Jimmy is it true you told him to go f himself . I sure did. And i was just getting started. Jimmy what else did you tell him . Allow me to elucidate, jimmy. I said to him to the moon ill stick my boots right up your ass grab you by the [ bleep ] you think with no class in other words kiss in other words youre a loser [ bleep ] to the moon i would like to sock you in the snout if you were on fire i wouldnt be there to put you out in other words youre a chump in other words futrump in other words youre doggie doo in other words [ bleep ] you jimmy Louie Armstrong oh, boy, there they go. Right back up to heaven. How about that . Well take a break. Chris hemsworth is here. Posting hashtag yeehaw. Hashtag i have no signal and i still cant post out here. Woah look out, coming through. Hey thomas. Howdy there joy. See joys got the new iphone with verizon unlimited. You bet i do. Best phone, best network. Americas largest, most reliable 4g lte network. She can post out here like she does in the city. Hey twelve likes. What . Likes wont get you didly around these parts. Yaaw vo when you really, really want the best, get the new iphone on the best unlimited with plans starting at 40 per line for four lines. Hey grandpa. Hey, kid. Really good to see you. You too. You tell grandma you were going fishing again . Maybe. vo the best things in life keep going. Thats why i got a subaru, too. Introducing the allnew crosstrek. Love is out there. Find it in a subaru crosstrek. Gointoilet paper run, need anything . Hair spray bark snickers bitesized. Im on it. Get new, lower prices on thousands of items. Target run done. 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Its. squeaking of balloon, laughing i had a second balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah, it happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good, right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. And now, try our real sour cream. Its delicious. Jimmy hello and welcome back to the show. Tonight, a very funny woman and author of this new book called im fine and other lies whitney kumings is here with us. And here we go. This is his latest single. A big single. It seems unnecessary that a single would be this big, doesnt it . It is called lay it on me. Vance joy from the mercedesbenz stage. A very long song. Tomorrow night our guests are rene zellweger, mark maran. And next week well be in brooklyn, nosh, for a full week of shows. Sadly we have no tickets left. We had 10,000 tickets, 2,000 each night, and more than 100,000 ticket requests. If you do have tickets, our guests will be amy schuller, howard stern, david letterman, tracy morgan, woody haralson, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be with us, lcd sound system and more. Please join us for all those shows. Our first guest is the god of thunder down under who you can see alongside his buddy the hulk. Opening across all nine realms november 3rd. Please welcome Chris Hemsworth [ cheers and applause ] how is it going . I like this suit. This is the hulk combined . Or the riddler. Jimmy old school ridler. I have a riddler interview after this. Would you allow even being part of the d. C. Universe . It depends on the cost. Jimmy it depends how much they beg you. By the way, i saw the movie last night. This might be the best marvel movie. I dont know how they keep doing it. It is unbelievable. Jimmy he did such a great job with this movie. We all had the same sort of wanton need and passion. And im in a meeting early in the process and he said, lets just break everything we know and destroy it and rebuild it. Jimmy like the hotel room . First the hotel room. And then the character. And then every day was about exploring the unknown and trying something different. I got pretty bored of myself as that character. And so did he. Maybe a few people out there. So lets do something different. And every day was improvised and a journey. Jimmy was thor getting a hair cut part of that conversation . It was. Partly due to i didnt want to spend two hours a day putting hair and a wig on. Jimmy you also shot it in australia. Was that planned in advance or you said hey, i live in australia. You now need to bring the movie to my house. A little of that. I felt like i had done my time. I had done five films with marvel at that time. And i heard that Robert Downey had pushed the film to locations that he wanted to be in and i said, maybe this is my opportunity. Weve got this little country, australia. This great crew and cast available. Maybe we can shove there. And we ended up shooting there. Jimmy how far were you from where you live . About 45 minutes. Jimmy very nice. Very manipulative. Run home for a sandwich and then go back to work. Same bed, it was wonderful. Jimmy do your kids get excited about the fact daddy is thor . One of them. Jimmy okay. So one out of three is good for me. One of the things that is really cool, and i come home from work. Papa, did you fight monsters at work . Yeah. Doing press all day. Plenty of monsters. And the other two are on the fence. Its whatever. Jimmy is there a dressing up as thor for halloween or anything . I tried to push it, definitely. Jimmy i feel like after the movie comes out, theyre going to want to. I hope so. I want them to see there one. It is dad having more fun than hes had before. Jimmy i think you brought your whole cast here with you. Who did you bring with you . Backstage . Jimmy yeah. We have a few of them. Jimmy the director. Mark who plays the hulk. Jimmy the hillary ulk is be in this version. And i liked the previous versions. You know what im saying. Sometimes the hulk can be too fake looking. And then the technologies advanced and they said dont do what weve done before and mark on many occasions said it. Jimmy i think wave camera backstage. Hey, mark, how are you doing . Jimmy youre a great hulk. I love this hulk. This is a beautiful hulk youve put together. It is weird to see you in clothes. Usually youre naked. Its strange. I have a loin cloth. Jimmy you guys must be pals for mark to come along with you. This is like work for mark. Oh, yeah. Were close. Hold on a second. Jimmy hold on a second. Let me talk here, get the camera away. This is the director. Jimmy how are you doing . You did a great job on this movie. Thank you. This is a real dream come true to sit in the green room in the back of your show. Jimmy im sorry about the interruption there. But i did want to say its the mighty thor, not the mighty bore. Maybe take a walk. Im so sorry. He is not supposed to go into the guest rooms. He has his own area that he is supposed to stay in. We have snacks in here. It was great making this movie. It was a lot of fun. Only 16 hours away from my house. Jimmy is there a rivalry are between people from new zealand as you are and people from australia . Yeah. Sadly there is. Its been going on for thousands of years. Jimmy has it really . This is getting ridiculous. Youre not on the show. Im on the show. Jimmy this does not count as being on the show. This is what movie actors look like right here. Riding adams coat tails. Jimmy okay. Enough already with that. I didnt invite him. Ill friends with him. Jimmy why are you friends with him . I feel sorry for him. He has nothing. Jimmy its very sad. I saw a friend in need so i decided to extend a handshake. Jimmy is it true you go on vacations with him . He turned up at my house in australia. Uninvited. Jimmy is that right . But im an open person. Jimmy he likes to go to things that no one wants him at. Does he stay in your house . Unfortunately, yeah. And his kids as well. Jimmy i dont hold it against the kids. Yeah. The kids are fine. Im on the show. How does that even work . I hacked into the system. Ive been here a really long time, jimmy. I learned a lot of stuff. Jimmy go backstage and eat the duty potatoes that we made for you. You know what . Put up the screen saver. The emergency screen saver. And you do nothing. What do you go take care of him. Get security. Thank you very much. Im so sorry, chris. When we come back, well hopefully see an exclusive never before seen [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well be right back. Theseare heading back home. Y oil thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because its tough on grease yet gentle. 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Every time i flew it, it would always come back to me. It sounds like you had a Good Relationship with it and losing it was almost comparable to losing a loved one. Thats a nice way of putting it. Jimmy thats Chris Hemsworth. Thats our director. And thstemmed from that. And it the went mental on the artistic collaboration and all sorts of ridiculous weapons. We were laughing about it. What the hell is this thing . We started improving it. And that was the tone of the movie. Encouraged improvisation. Jimmy it kind of takes the piss out of the super hero gwen re. Jeff gold blum was in the movie. My brother warned me about the love and affection i would have. Jimmy hes great in the movie. He does the best Jeff Goldblum in town. Jimmy hes very george goldblumy. Jimmy and it is played by Sir Anthony Hopkins which is pretty heavy. I want to ask but this. He posted this on instagram and you, i dont know how much later, you posted the same photograph. But somehow the sweat has been removed from Sir Anthony Hopkins. You are very observant. Jimmy thank you very much. As a good human being, i thought, ill going to have someone remove the sweat marks. Jimmy so youre saying he is not a good human being. No. I think someone threw a bottle of water on him. Jimmy you did the right thing and he did the wrong thing. That man is an international character. Congratulations on the film. People are going to love this movie. It opens in theaters and imax on november 3rd. Chris hemsworth, everybody. Well be right back. To our fellow americans in puerto rico, we may be separated by an ocean but we are united. Watch this watch this watch this watch this the unpredictability of a flaree may weigh on your mind. Thinking about what to avoid, where to go, and how to work around your uc. Thats how i thought it had to be. But then i talked to my doctor about humira, and learned humira can help get and keep uc under control. 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And command the currents. They dont need another way to get around. Or do they . [ engine revving ] grooves in your sandwich . Do you always put cheezit of course theyre chips. Chips. Plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Ooooh. Dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. Cheezit grooves. Chips made with 100 real cheese. Dang right its a chip jimmy welcome back to the show. On vance joy is on the way. Our next guest is a comedian actor, writer, producer, and now an author, too. Her new book is called im fine and other lies. Please welcome whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause ] thats a beautiful dress. Thank you. This is a tricky dress. It is a tricky dress. Jimmy thats good for the viewers at home. I have to do some adjustments. Jimmy do you want me to shield you . Yeah. I need something down here. This is jimmy come on. Lets give the people at home what they came to see. Your legs. Im sorry. That was very rude. I dont know. I dont want to give them an exam. Jimmy does this book title mean youre not fine . I know this might come as a shock to some people but i dont have it together, folks. You dont . You seem to me like you do. Really . Im hanging by a thread. Jimmy i didnt gather that. You seem to be, well, youre very successful obviously. You have a lot of jobs as far as i can tell. Youre working on things, youre producing other people, youre writing for other people and yourself, you write a book, youre touring. Im hilarious. Are you done . Jimmy thats the reason that all of these things come together. Because you are very funny. You dont feel like it, huh . Thats very nice. I think i wanted a book that revealed all the flaws and insecurities and the mistakes. So many of us appear to have it all together. You go to instagram and it looks like that. I wanted to make it socially acceptable to talk about our not so great moments, our shameful moments, i did that with this book which means ill be single fore. Jimmy is that genuinely a concern . It sounds like, are you worried about yeah. Yes, i revealed so much in this book about eating disorders, addiction, i dont know why youre not laughing. It has made a lot of things very weird for me. Like people just in general, i feel like they think that im a safe place to admit all their weird secrets. Jimmy oh, no. And shameful behavior. People come up to me in airports and blurt out weird things they do. Jimmy like what . I had a woman run up to me in an airport and shegss, i go to stores and i buy clothes i dont even want just so other people cant have them. Jimmy wow i was like, im going to go get a cinnabon. Jimmy thats one of the craziest things ive ever heard. I had a woman yell at me across a driveway. She goes, hey, whitney, i cant stop stealing. [ laughter ] cool i dont know what to tell you. Jimmy do you advise them at all . Im not a psychiatrist. I think thats pretty obvious. Im a clown, a comedian. There is a lot of helpful information there. I tried to make a self help book. Most are weak and boring and they make it worse. I wanted to write a funny selfhelp book so you can laugh and cry. Jimmy do you get into medical things . Did i this one thing. I added some things in there. My therapist realized that i have an issue with codependence. It manifests in, i have an inability to speak, first of all, but also to see red flags in men. Youve met some guys ive dated. You know. My picker is off. Jimmy yeah, okay. I know what you mean. Okay. You know. Molly knows. Your wife knows. But my brain will automatically turn a negative into a positive just to justify being in a terrible relationship. Jimmy thats not a good thing . Its bad. It is aging me. Like ill meet a guy and ill go, hes married oh, no, not afraid of commitment. Like thats how my brain works. My therapist was like, you cant be trusted out there on the streets. So she made me start giving a quiz to the guy that i date to find out their subconscious, to find out who they are. And my producer said i could do it with you. Jimmy oh, yeah. May i ask you a quick question . Do you do this, do you do it on the first date . I try to do it on the first date. Jimmy that wont help anything. If i got quizzed on the first date, i would be like, im going to the bathroom and never coming back. Well then i learned everything i need to know. Jimmy give me the quiz. Do you have a pen he . Jimmy i have paper. Weve got everything here. Jimmy, you failed. So the idea is the idea is freud, came up with this test. It finds out things about someones subconscious. We all pretend to be people were not. I pretend im dirty. People pretend a lot of things but this is the way to get the truth out in a sneaky way so you dont find out two years into a relationship that they have a secret family. Jimmy now i feel like theres a lot of pressure. Molly, i hope youre watching. Jimmy ill try to answer honestly. The first thing i need to know is what your favorite animal. Jimmy a monkey. Definitely. I need three reasons. They fling poop. And try to do adjectives. Jimmy okay. Smoking. I like when they smoke. Theyre the only animal that smokes. Like what about the monkey . Jimmy i like, theyre funny, i think. They seem intelligent. And they are a little bit crazy. Funny, intelligent, crazy. Crazy and fling poop. Okay. What is your favorite article of clothing . It can be a suit or a pair of socks. Jimmy of my own. It can be anything. It can be a wedding dress. Jimmy yeah, a wedding dress. It can be underwear. Jimmy i know what it is. I have a tank top that has the colors of the jamaican flag and i wear it only because my wife hates it so much. [ applause ] and i dont know what this says about me but i bought like 12 of them. Because she throws they will out immediately. And then i just produce another one and she doesnt know where they keep coming from. Okay. What are three adjectives to describe it . Hideous . Jimmy hideous would be one of them. Ridiculous. Annoying. Annoying. Jimmy i think i failed the test already. No, no. Ill tell you what they mean in a second. The final one is what is your favorite body of water . It can be an ocean, a swimming pool, a glass of water, a stream. Mine was the flew river in virginia. I went white water rafting. Jimmy i know what mine is. Silver creek in idaho. Okay. Tell me three things to describe that creek. Jimmy it is placid, clear, and troutful. Is that a word . Troutful . Bountiful with trout. Jimmy yes, yes. So its a is it moving them . Jimmy a little bit but not much. Moves a little bit. Okay. So what this does is it helps you understand the way you perceive yourself and the way others perceive you. The first one tells you how you perceive yourself. Jimmy as a monkey. Right. Funny, intelligent, crazy and flings poop. Would you say thats how you perceive yourself . Jimmy if you have hairy in there, practically my twitter bio. Or your tinder bio. Jimmy yeah, right. And then your article of clothing is the way other people perceive you. Jimmy okay. Oh, boy. Pisses off your wife, ridiculous, annoying. That was not, i dont know. I dont know. I would have pushed you to go for something besides the tank top but i wanted to hear so much about it and envision you in it that i went for it. The third one is the way you view sex. Jimmy really . [ laughter ] placid, troutful. Jimmy wow and moves a little but not much. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy youve been spying on me let me have that book. All the secrets the life are right in this book. Its called im fine and other lies. Whitney cummings, everyone. Well be right back with vance joy. Where are we . About to see progressives new home quote explorer. Where you can compare multiple quote options online and choose whats right for you. Woah. Flo and jamie here to see hqx. Flo and jamie request entry. 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Here with the song, lay it on me, vance joy im so gone anyone could see that im wasted you cut through and i just wanna know whats in your head write it on a piece of paper honey mmm hmmm put it in my coat before i go hidden in a place you know ill find it oh ohh later when im sitting all alone let me in everything starts at your skin so new your loves always finding me out oh who am i kidding if all my defenses come down oh baby will you lay it all on me now lay it all on me now lay it all on me now lay it all on me now snow comes down everything is new and different i found you hidden in plain sight whyd it take so long write it on a piece of paper honey mmm hmmm put it in my coat before i go let me in everything starts at your skin so new your loves always finding me out oh who am i kidding if all my defenses come down oh baby will you lay it all on me now lay it all on me now lay it all on me now lay it all on me now lay it all on me now ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh ohh your loves always finding me out who am i kidding if all my defenses come down oh baby babe will you lay it all on me now ohh ohh ohh lay it all on me now ohh ohh ohh lay it all on me now ohh ohh ohh lay it all on me now ohh ohh ohh lay it all on me now meet Steve Sweeney. Hes a doubledipping pension padder. Doubledipping pension padder he had two government jobs, two paychecks and padded his pension along the way. Hes a doubledipping pension padder now hes making over 300,000 a year as a lobbyist and a senator. Doubledipping pension padder so hes all set thanks to you, the taxpayer. Which is why Steve Sweeney had no problem voting to raise your taxes 145 times, including the largest gas tax hike in history. Sounds about right, coming from a. Doubledipping pension padder sold for eight thousand five . Hundred unicorn in rouge. Congratulations, sir. When you need help fast, call us with td asap on the td bank app and skip to the front of the line. Hi alex, i have your account pulled up. How can i help . Oh, uh. Great. Are you seeing this charge from an auction house . That doesnt look right. Ill take care of that. Oh good. Thank you. Because when you need help, you need it asap. Jimmy i want to thank my guests. I will not apologize to matt damon. He was inappropriate tonight and i didnt care for it. A special edition of nightline that Harvey Weinstein will absolutely hate is next. Thank you for watching. Good night, everybody. He returned in nothing but a robe we the front open and he was buck naked. I said no a million times. He was in the bathtub. He attempted to convince me to get naked. Tonight were going inside the scandal that has rocked hollywood. A growing chorus of women speaking out with harrowing allegations of sexual harassment. Some even claiming rape. By one of the most powerful men in hollywood. Harvey weinstein. These are just a few of the women who have come forward in recent days. Among them, three oscar winning actresses. Angelina jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow and mirra sorvino. The story of one woman as they investigated h