Jimmy im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thanks for coming. Its too much now. For those of you watching us right now from areas affected or potentially affected by the hurricanes, we hope youre safe. We wish you well. You should probably put the Weather Channel on right now instead of this. [ laughter ] its always weird when all hell is breaking loose in one part of the country and whefrls its just a normal day. Like in new york right now while people are abandoning their homes and jamming the freeways to get out of florida in new york theyre having fashion week. [ laughter ] tall beautiful women Walking Around in outfits. I will say new york is a dangerous place for models. You know, last year one of them slipped through a subway grate and disappeared. [ laughter ] it was like like it but without a balloon. [ laughter ] anyone going to see that it this weekend . They say its going to be a big movie. Theyre expecting it to open at 100 million. It is about a clown that cannibalizes children. Its funny that thats what we want to see. [ laughter ] a clown that eats kids . Ill get the keys. Well go. It is based on the bestselling stephen king novel, which is the second most successful book about a sewer clown since the art of the deal. [ cheers and applause ] people love to get scared. And it does look scary. Look at this. When youre a kid, the monsters see you as weaker. You dont even know theyre getting closer. Hi, georgie. Do you need tech support . Yes, please. Heres my number. I wrote it on your boat. My grandfather thinks this town is cursed, that all the bad things that happen in this town are because of one thing. You just need to reboot. An evil thing. Just hit control alt delete. Control alt delete. Control alt delete control alt delete i set up your firewall. You forgot to plug it in. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i dont think thats right. Hey, heres heres something even scarier than that. Equifax. You know the people who keep our Credit Scores and have access to all our Financial Information . Well, they were hacked. Hackers got hold of the personal information from more than 143 million americans. They were able to get credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, banking information, everything equifax has. Who would have ever guessed that a company with the word fax in its name without outdated Security Technology . [ laughter ] equifax now, they have a website where you can go to check to see if your data was compromised. All you have to do to find out is enter your last name and your Social Security number. [ laughter ] for real. Thats quite a plan. Hey, everybody, you know, your Social Security number may have been stolen. Give us your Social Security number. Well let you know if it was. [ laughter ] i only have one request for the hackers. If you do steal my identity, please feed it salami every day. It loves it. [ laughter ] so to make up for potentially ruining your life, equifax is offering free credit monitoring for a year. And rick smith, their ceo, made an apology video. A very awkward apology video to reassure everyone who never agreed to give them their information in the first place that everythings going to be okay. On july 29th of this year we discovered that attackers had gained unauthorized access to certain equifax data files. We acted immediately to stop the intrusion. We promptly engaged a Cybersecurity Firm which has been conducting a comprehensive forensic review to determine the scope of the intrusion. Dont worry. All of your delicate Financial Information is safe with me. And i promise we wont destroy capitalism as we know it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy mr. Robot is a good guy. This is interesting. According to the state department, when President Trump was in saudi arabia back in may, they gave him a lot of gifts, almost 100 gifts. And they released the list of those gifts this week, and its crazy. Look at some of these gifts. He got a blue and silver wool robe lined with white tiger fur. He got a pair of brown and yellow leather sandals. Oh, hell love those. He got a pair of red and green leather sandals and another pair of red and green leather sandals. I guess for Christmas Morning with melania at maralago. They gave trump nine leather ammo belts and gun holsters and two large wooden boxes filled with cologne bottles. So basically, he got an uber driver starter kit from [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is good too. They also gave him a copy of the kuwaiti constitution, which i hate to break it to you, fellas. Hes never even read our sf constitution. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] hes definitely not reading yours. Meanwhile, President Trumps former top adviser steve bannon is speaking out since getting the boot. He salt down with charlie rose and said an interesting thing. He claims he told Chris Christie after the access hollywood tape, you know, when the bus came out, he told him you either get on the plane right now with trump and support him or youre out. Christie did not get on the plane. And so he didnt get in the cabinet. And there were cookies in the cabinet. So he was bummed. [ laughter ] but it was a fascinating interview. But what struck me most of all was how much they focused on a certain former Entertainment News reporter. Billy bush. Billy bush. Billy bush. Billy bush saturday. Billy bush sunday. Billy bush weekend. You took names on billy bush sunday, didnt you . I did. Billy bush. Jimmy even billy bush hasnt spent that much time thinking about billy bush. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, you probably saw this on facebook already, but birthday wishes are in order for north korea. Today the democratic peoples republic of north korea, which is neither democratic or a republic, but they do have people, turns 69. 69 years ago north korea was formed. They built a big beautiful wall and everythings been great ever since. You see . Kim jong un is reportedly planning to commemorate this special day with another missile test. Which why cant kim jong un just be normal and celebrate a birthday at chuck e. Cheese like every other fat kid with a terrible haircut . [ cheers and applause ] hey, this is good. Do you know Antonio Cromartie . Hes a quarterback. He played for the chargers and the jets, the colts. Even more than football, hes very good at making children. This is antonio from the show hard knocks back in 2010 listing the names of his kids. Alonzo, who is 5. I have carris who is 3. I have my junior who is 3. My daughter who just turned 3 as of yesterday. I have another son named tyler. He turns 3 in december. Ive got another daughter that was born october 16th named london. Another daughter that was born named leilani whos 2 years old. And i have my newborn with my wife. Her name is jersey. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. So that was in 2010. At that time he had eight kids. Since then hes had six more. He just became a father again. His 14th child. Thats not the funny part. The funny part is this is his third baby since getting a vasectomy. [ laughter ] thats why i say you have to get two vasectomies. Just imagine how many kids he would have if he didnt get a vasectomy. [ laughter ] his sperm must be like a million little Michael Phelps plowing their way through. [ laughter ] so now he and his wife are going to do a reality show, which is what you do i guess when you have 14 kids. I dont know about you, but if i get a vasectomy and my wife still got pregnant id be very suspicious. [ laughter ] i would be dialing maury povichs name immediately. You know what . Its friday night, and that means it is time to we have a tradition around here. We bleep and we blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. The florida keys are facing mandatory evacuations now. No [ bleep ]ing around. Next time you go to north korea can i come with you and [ bleep ] kim jong un . We also protect Small Businesses and family [ bleep ]ers here in north dakota and across the country by ending the [ bleep ] tax. I think thats why donald trump and i get along so well, Donald Trumps a [ bleep ]er. Great [ bleep ]er. Hes a [ bleep ]er. I miss him so much. Hell go home, [ bleep ] his dog. Im ready to go home. If you want to play, text the word [ bleep ] to 515151. In order to get 68 votes in the senate i swallowed [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. I was taught as a young girl. Yeah. Yeah. Thats good. Although i havent [ bleep ] in a while. The race will have people going through the sand up the hills. [ bleep ]. All right. Thank you very much. Take a look at this great big [ bleep ] in new york harbor. [ bleep ]ing the [ bleep ]. That is correct. Want to get back with the goats. The goats are just naturals. Whoa, whoa, whoa. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. Were going to take a break. When we come back, we conducted a Cyber Security experiment. We went out on the street, we asked people to give us their passwords. And, well, did they . Well find out together when we return. Well be right back. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by blue buffalo. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Give extra. Get extra. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. You stand out in a crowd. And are pulled together. You follow your own lead and show your strength. Always comfortable in your own skin. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx liz assumed all dressingsrust were made equal. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brands, these kraft dressings are made with high quality ingredients, at a price you can feel good about. No wonder kraft is so good. What would you do if you had even more time to explore . Open up the world with platinum. Backed by the service and security of american express. Leave it to the pros . I am a pro. I made this lawn from seed pride, and less water than youd think. To those whod say the grass is greener on the other side. I politely disagree. Pennington smart seed. Guaranteed to grow with 30 less water. Reclaim your turf. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Christian slater, Richard Lewis, and music from jack johnson is all coming. By the way, you know i just realized that like our audience as a group, some of you have the worst rhythm ive ever seen in a group of human beings. [ laughter ] this guy in the glasses here. I mean [ laughter ] im going to be keeping my eye on you for the rest of the show because it was an absolute disaster. [ laughter ] yeah. Anyway. Today, in case you dont know, is International Literacy day. Which i found out about by looking on my phone. So make sure to read a book before midnight tonight. Right, guillermo . Guillermo, do you read books . Guillermo yeah, every night. Jimmy you do . [ laughter ] you mean childrens books to your son. Guillermo yeah. Jimmy i mean just for pleasure, your own pleasure, do you ever sit down and read the a book . Guillermo no. Just the newspaper. Jimmy what childrens books do you read to your son . What was the one you read last night . Guillermo eight little monkeys. Jimmy eight little monkeys. They keep jumping on the bed and they fall off and call the doctor and the doctor says no more. But they dont listen to the doctor, do . He guillermo no, they dont. [ laughter ] jimmy back to this hack, this equifax hack, i mentioned earlier they may have compromised the information of 143 million americans, which is a lot of americans. So in light of this as a service to the public, weve actually done this before, and its very effective, we asked people who are passing by our theater today, what password they use to protect their personal information. And pay attention, please, because there are a lot of important tips to be shared here. We are talking to people about the cybersecurity breach at equifax. And in light of that, were asking people how secure their internet passwords are. What do you use for an internet password . You know, i usually stick to my last name. Thats probably not the best thing to do. But my last name, a few digits. Maybe like a hashtag or something. How do you spell your last name . Walker. Walker . Yeah. [ laughter ] walker . Yeah. And then just a few numbers . Yeah. I probably shouldnt have told you that. And then a hashtag. But numbers like what do you use, like your birthday or something . Your area code . Yeah. Usually like my birthday. How old are you . 21. 21. What day were you born . November. No. Day. Sorry. The 29th. The 29th of november. Yeah. So walker 112995. I probably shouldnt say that but its okay. Yeah. How strong is your internet password . Strong. What sort of things do you use . Capital letters, lower case letters, numbers, characters, everything. Whats a current password youre using . I dont really want to tell the current password that im using to be honest. You think im a hacker . Not necessarily. Well, i mean, i guess, you know, like 63xj9, hat symbol, at symbol basically. All characters. Pretty random assortment. You use that one . Yes. Thank you. What is your internet password you that use for your email . In and out 2017. [ laughter ] thanks. My internet password is capital w at sign ter capital b 0 ng. Water bong. Yeah, we probably could have guessed that one. My internet password. Its okay . Yeah. Mila. Four words. Mila. 64. Well, thats nice. Now americans can hack into a russian website. No, thatll be fun. So what is your name . Jerry reed. Jerry, where are you from . Whittier, california. What do you do out there . Besides scare schoolchildren. [ laughter ] how strong is your internet password . Id say pretty strong. What sort of things do you use for it . You know, things that i like. What sorts of things do you like . Maybe a dog, an animal. A place ive been. Someone i know. So like rover mental ward. Yeah. Something like that. [ laughter ] jimmy all right. Jerry. Jerry. [ applause ] dont worry. Dont worry at all. Your secret is very safe with us. Okay . Well, thank you. Jimmy okay. Just keep this between all of us. Thanks, jimmy. Jimmy youre welcome, jerry. All right. We have a great show for you tonight. We have music from jack johnson. The very funny Richard Lewis is here. And well be right back with Christian Slater. So stick around. So, i was at mom and dads and found this. Cds, baseball cards. Your old magic set . And this wrestling ticket. Which you still owe me for. Seriously . 25 . I didnt even want to go. Ahhh, your diary. Mom says its totally natural. 25 is nothing. Abracadabra, bro. The bank of america mobile banking app. The fast, secure and simple way to send money. You can do endless move 201online research. T, or, you can take advantage of our best offer ever on an xt5. Dont wait. Our 2017 models will be moving fast. You can drive a car. Or you can drive a cadillac. Come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect cadillac xt5 for your next adventure. Choose a low mileage lease on this xt5 for around 339 per month. Shop hundreds of epic deals no coupons needed bath towels and pillows three for 10 food network dinnerware just 49. 99 and save on American Tourister luggage. Stock up save big and get kohls cash. Thursday through sunday only at kohls. Jimmy oh, you have a toothache. Do we have any dentists here in the whoo you guys are dentists . For real . No, im good. [ laughter ] when you dont get enough sleep, and your body aches, youre not yourself. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night, youre a better you all day. And for your daytime pain relief, try tylenol® extra strength. 12340e9s. Tonight from curb your enthusiasm which returns to hbo october 1st, one of the funny nest men in all the world the great Richard Lewis is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, this is his new album. Its called all the light above it too jack johnson from the mercedesbenz stage. I think he lives in hawaii. They need to clean up this beach. It is a mess. [ laughter ] next week we have a really great week of all new shows next week. Larry david, stephen colbert, michael keaton, van jones, nina dobrev, dave salmoni will bring wild animals for us to see. Well have music from the lone bell lowe, 21 savage and dustin lynch. And former White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer will be sitting right here to tell us everything. [ cheers and applause ] everything. No stone will be left unturned. [ laughter ] right. Our first guest tonight has been acting professionally for more than four decades, which is a lot of them, on october 11th he returns to the usa network in his golden globewinning role on mr. Robot. Please say hello to Christian Slater. [ cheers and applause ] how are you . Thank you. All right. Jimmy after mr. Robot now it feels weird to see you in a suit. This is not my normal attire. No, i know. Jimmy what is your normal attire . Well, my normal attire is pretty much what i wear on mr. Robot. Jimmy oh, it is . Yeah, honestly. Flannel shirt, a hat, glasses. Jimmy did you wear your own clothes and they said yeah, we like that . I walked in and they said hey, this guy looks great, lets do this. Yeah. So now its like im Walking Around the streets of new york and people think im in costume. Jimmy yeah, right. Like fonzie Walking Around with his jacket or something. Exactly. This guy cant let it go. Hes really into it jimmy mr. Robot is a great show. Thanks. Jimmy but besides mr. Robot of the many things because youve done so many things. What do they mention most to you . They probably mention heathers i think. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the one . I think so, yeah. That one is pretty fun, yeah. Jimmy and do you mind that . Or do you wish no. Jimmy theyd mix it up a little . No, i love it. Jimmy throw a little pump up the volume. Sure. Happy with that. A little true romance. Mix it all in. [ applause ] jrmt y jimmy you realize we could do the whole rest of the segment you naming titles youve been in and everybody clapping. Gleaming the cube. [ applause ] all right. Well stop there. Jimmy how old were you when you started acting . I think i yeah, i was 9. Jimmy 9 years old. You did like commercials . Yeah. I was a little i made it to theater, but you know, the first few things i did of course were some commercials. Life saver commercials. Jimmy best commercial you ever did as a kid. Well, i mean the best one i think that made me really pretty legendary at the age of 12 was the darth vader collectors case. Jimmy we have that commercial. No jimmy we do, yeah. Wow. Jimmy i know its shocking that no. How do you find those things . Jimmy we went on youtube. [ laughter ] we really went the extra we did the extra work. Research is amazing. Jimmy thats why we won a peabody award, you know. Lets take a look at that here. You know what this is. Its the darth vader collectors case from the star wars the Empire Strikes back collection. Its got room for your favorite star wars the Empire Strikes back action figures. You can take it with you. Thats you with that haircut, huh . [ cheers and applause ] its kind of funny because i know you love like dont you own like captain kirks seat from Starship Enterprise . Well, a version of it. Ive definitely always been into look, im a trekkie and a star wars guy. Jimmy which do you like more . Which do you prefer . Star wars its hard to i mean, i grew up watching star trek. That was sort of my first introduction. Watching William Shatner as captain kirk. So that was kind of my and then look, when star wars came out that did of course change everything. Jimmy even though you were already an actor, that really made a big impact on you . Sure. Yeah. No, i think for everybody. I mean, those movies, scifi. And then i got the opportunity to do a small cameo in star trek 6 actually. Jimmy that was the best one. That was the best one. Hands downwn. Of course. [ applause ] that was amazing. Jimmy which one was that, star trek 6 . That was the undiscovered country. Jimmy oh, the undiscovered country. Okay. They were on a long mission there. Jimmy i see. But i had to wear one of the uniforms, and i had a scene with sulu. And i put the clothes on, and i looked in the wardrobe. The little tag in there. It said William Shatner and worn from star trek 2. So i was wearing his outfit that he wore in star trek 2. Jimmy they recycled the cast members outfits and put it on you . Put it on me, the lowly ensign. Jimmy unbelievable. And then i snuck off the paramount lot with it. Jimmy i dont blame you. [ applause ] you still have that . I still have it, yeah. Jimmy does your wife allow to you keep all these toys in your home . You know whats funny, she used to. In the first year or so she was so cool about it. And she was helping me pick out like collectors case things and display things. And then we got married. And then all of a sudden like Storage Units started to sound jimmy she helped you pick a storage facility. Thats it. Exactly. Jimmy and stuff jut got sent out. Slowly but surely jimmy did you put up a fight or no. Jimmy did you know it was time for it to go . You surrender. Surrender to win is what i say. And actually, i do still she allowed me to keep a few choice items. Jimmy what do you have still in the house . I have a i still have this ive had it for like 25 years. Its a lifesize Storm Trooper. Jimmy really . Yeah. That Sharper Image made. 25 years ago. Jimmy where is that located . Its located in the dining room. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. As we eat. Jimmy a room nobody goes in. Thats right. The room nobody goes in. Nobody ever uses. Jimmy a very lonely Storm Trooper in the dining room. Just standing there with a laser gun. Very sad. Jimmy when we come back we dont have a clip because mr. Robot is very secretive. But you will tell all about the Upcoming Season 3 of mr. Robot. In the next segment. Jimmy Christian Slater is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] this weekend at kohls shop hundreds of epic deals no coupons needed womens sonoma and apt. 9 tees just 5. 99 mens croft barrow polos just 7. 99 and jumping beans for baby only 5. 00. Stock up save big and get kohls cash. Thursday through sunday only at kohls. Unstop right there im about to pop a cap of mmm fresh in that washer. With unstopables inwash scent boosters by downy. Ah, its so fresh. And its going to last from wash to. Wear for up to 12 weeks. Unstopables by downy. Modern life deserves a mits sold out. Ay. Dont fret, my friend. I masterpassed it you can use it online and on your phone i masterpassed it. You got the tickets . Onward playing the hero priceless masterpass. The secure way to pay from your bank dont just buy it. Masterpass it. Depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms. Thats why theres trintellix, a Prescription Medication for depression. Trintellix may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. Do not take with maois. Tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications, to avoid a potentially lifethreatening condition. Increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur, especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin or blood thinners. Manic episodes or vision problems may occur in some people. May cause low sodium levels. The most common side effects were nausea, constipation and vomiting. Trintellix had no Significant Impact on weight in clinical trials. Ask your healthcare professional about trintellix. Endless shrimp is back at red lobster and we went all out to bring you even more incredible shrimp and new flavors like new Nashville Hot shrimp drizzled with sweet amber honey, and new grilled mediterranean shrimp finished with a savory blend of green onions, tomatoes, and herbs. Feeling hungry yet . Good, cuz theres plenty more where these came from. Like garlic shrimp scampi, and other classics you love. As much as you want, however you want em. But hurry, endless shrimp wont be here long. Thijust sprinkle in a packet of burgerHidden Valley ranch, then mix, shape, and grill, and youve got a new fan favorite. Its time to ranch out with the original, Hidden Valley ranch. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is Christian Slater. Season 3 of mr. Robot premieres on october 11th on the usa network. Can you tell us anything about it . Elliott lives. Thats one thing i can tell you. Everything you thought you knew is completely not true. Jimmy is that true . To a certain degree. Jimmy i hope its not true. To a certain degree. I mean, there are certain things that i was like convinced happened the way exactly that you thought that they happened. Then there will be some surprises that caught me by surprise. Jimmy interesting. During the commercial break we were talking about the bachelor, which apparently is a show you that enjoy. Right. Jimmy and the bachelorette. Bachelor in paradise. Jimmy and even bachelor in paradise. Yeah, somehow. Yeah. I feel like it was all legit, ladies and gentlemen. I started watching that show unreal. Jimmy oh, yeah, the parody. The parody of that show. I thought this is a very good show. Now i want to check out what theyre talking about. Jimmy thats a weird way to get into it. I sort of went in the back door. Jrmt yeah, you sure did. [ laughter ] stop it. Geez. Jimmy he has a golden globe. Will you please stop . [ laughter ] so then you got into which show first . The bachelor or the bachelorette . I believe my first season of it was the bachelorette. With jojo. And i think the guy well, chad. I just loved chad. [ laughter ] meateating monster. I mean, he is amazing, that guy. So i just loved it. Jimmy bad chad. Yeah. Bad chad, huh . Jimmy you loved him. I thought he was hilarious. He just made me laugh. And then bachelor in paradise of course. I got into that. Jimmy what do you think of the choice of ar ie wlun dyke jr. To be the new bachelor . Thats from seasons ive never seen. Jimmy do you think youll ever go back and binge watch all the bachelor relationships from the beginning . From trista and ryan on. Its possible. I am very thorough. Jimmy i hope your wife watches this with you and youre not just watching it alone. No, its just me. Jimmy with the Storm Trooper. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah. Its just me in the dining room. Thats it. Yeah. Just sitting there, me and my buddy. Jimmy what do you think about this chad . Well, it sounds like youre having a lot of fun. Me and chris hardwick. His dark helmet from spaceballs. Jimmy its very good to see you. Congratulations on the big success. [ cheers and applause ] thanks so much. Jimmy mr. Robot comes back october 11th on usa. Christian slater, everybody. Well be right back with Richard Lewis. [ cheers and applause ] my great granddaughter, you may never know me, but when i look at you, i look back on my life and i know what it was for. So you could have the childhood they said i couldnt have. In the places they said i couldnt go. In the words they said i couldnt speak. How ive imagined your life between my shifts, in my studies, in books and pages; in nights so late ive seen your face in definitions. But what if i struggled and sacrificed and swore id succeed, so you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted . Well then, my great granddaughter. It would all be worth it. The world is not flat. You cant just pinch it or swipe it. Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. I want ycome on mom t easy. Go slow. Lets go mom slow down for the ones who keep pushing. Always unstoppable. Shop hundreds of epic deals no coupons needed womens sonoma and apt. 9 tees just 5. 99 mens croft barrow polos just 7. 99 and jumping beans for baby only 5. 00. Stock up save big and get kohls cash. Thursday through sunday only at kohls. When you dont get enough sleep, and your body aches, youre not yourself. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night, youre a better you all day. And for your daytime pain relief, try tylenol® extra strength. Nice man cave nacho . [ train whistle blows ] what . stop it mmhmm. Weve been saving a lot of money ever since we switched to progressive. This bar is legit. And now we get an even bigger discount from bundling home and auto. I can get used to this. It might take a minute. Swing and a miss slam dunk touchdown together sports touchdown hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Sfx tmobile mnemonic sfx tmobile mnemonic sfx tmobile mnemonic tmobiles unlimited now includes netflix on us. Thats right, netflix on us. Get four unlimited lines for just forty bucks each. Taxes and fees included. And now, netflix included. So go ahead, binge on us. Another reason why tmobile is americas best unlimited network. Sfx tmobile mnemonic fios is not cable. Were a 100 fiber optic network. And with the new fios gigabit connection. You get our fastest. Internet ever. With download speeds up to 940 megs 20 times faster than most people have. Switch to fios gigabit connection with tv and phone for 79. 99 a month online for the first year. Plus hbo for one year and multiroom dvr service for two years, all with a twoyear agreement. And switching has never been easier. Get out of your contract with up to a 500 credit to help cover your early termination fee. Go to fiosgigabit. Com jimmy welcome back to the show. Jack johnson is on the way. Our next guest is one of the funniest people in the world, which seems to make him miserable. But this might cheer him up. He returns to curb your enthusiasm october 1st on hbo. Please welcome Richard Lewis. [ cheers and applause ] im so excited to have you here. Dont lie in front of your fans. I brought 300 relatives. The bar mitzvahs about an hour from now. [ laughter ] its great to see you. Jimmy its great to see you. I wore these for the eclipse, and i forgot to take it off. [ laughter ] im a recovering drug addict for 23 years, and sometimes im addicted to glasses now. [ laughter ] jimmy you started wearing glasses because you were trying to mask something . I was trying to mask the president of the united states. [ laughter ] im sorry, i alienated three of you. I apologize. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] heres what happened. I dont care. Im not going to do politics. Im going to do on twitter, some guy says youre brilliant im not trying to be elitist. Youre brilliant. Youre the favorite. I grew up on you. Youre 70 years old. I watched you when i was 12 years old. Then i go you know, but this president. You jew bastard son of a bitch. [ laughter ] youve got to be careful. Jimmy nowadays, sure. This is my first time ive this is my billionth show. Jimmy it is, yeah. And ive never done your show. And im not stroking you but you know, we wrote to each other. And i think youre amazing. Jimmy oh, thats very nice of you. [ cheers and applause ] no. No. Hell hate that. Hell hate that. But my first tv show, 45 years ago, was with johnny carson. And im waiting behind the curtain. Not behind the barneys elevator, which i have no idea [ laughter ] i got so scared. A guy says stockings, underwear. I didnt know what the hell is going on over there. Jimmy we have everything back there. Was that like a big meeting . Lets have an elevator. They get 3,000 a minute for that discussion. Jimmy thats right. So dig this. Im waiting behind. Its johnny carson. Im 24 years old. And rest his soul, poor peprd. Jimmy jack paar . No, george peppard. Jimmy from the a team. He had lung cancer. Im back there crying. And hes talk pg about he has very few weeks to live, he has lung cancer. And then carson says, well, we wish you the best. And then he segued. And now for the first time on National Television [ laughter ] i went into the toilet, and away they had to get jewish plumbers to get me out of the toilet. [ laughter ] jimmy well, thank god Christian Slaters in good health. Well, he wore glasses too. And he wore a great suit. You know, the spinners used to wear that purple suit. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy the rubber band man. The rubber band man. Jimmy thats right. You can look at this. Were done. Jimmy no, were not done. I have a lot of questions. Okay, go ahead, shoot. Jimmy when were done with this segment, we may do a whole other segment just on the internet if you want to. You know who watches that . Four people from syria. [ laughter ] ask me anything you want. Jimmy i will. I just turned 70. Come on. [ cheers and applause ] and i used to have a decent penis but my balls are so low now it doesnt look as good as it used to. [ laughter ] jimmy let me have a look. Lets see whats going on there. No, i cant. Jimmy you cant . No. Because i have a codpiece on like benhur. It looks bigger than it should. When i make love to my wife we wear 3d glasses over the mirror. And i look bigger now because of the glasses. Like avatar. I have an avatar penis. Dont hate me. Did i ruin your show . Jimmy im realizing you have beautiful eyes. And what youve done is youve removed your glasses halfway through the interview and hypnotized me. Because i felt stupid. Heres what happens. You do a show, five people say youre a rock and roll comedian. The other guy goes, what, are you trying to be a big shot . Everyone judges you. My family judged me from the womb on. Jimmy did they really . So then i decided why dont i pick a job where i get judged every day for the rest of my life. [ laughter ] how stupid is that . Youre a great crowd, but thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you say your family judged you. Who was the most judgmental of all your family members . I would say practically everybody. Jimmy really . Yes. Jimmy everybody in the whole family . Well, they wore parliamentary wigs. You know . [ laughter ] and they didnt anyone was i was the youngest. Like way young. My brother was out in the village. You know, hes a writer. My sister eloped when i was 12 and she had four kids before i was 15. My father was never home. And my mother, she tough. The tonight show. I called her from sunset strip. I said this years ago but i have to tell you. Jimmy yeah, tell me. I said mother, im on johnny next thursday. And she said, who else is on . [ laughter ] [ applause ] so what the hell . Wtf. Then i knew i was screwed. You know. My wife. I got married. I met my wife at im not look, ive been around. So i know all its surreal. Im just a regular guy. But i used to im a rock and roll fanatic. So in college during the late 60s. So all of a sudden im friends with all these people. Ringo starrs a good buddy of mine. I met him, my wife at a party. Jimmy thats a good pal to have. Ringo . Jimmy yeah. I mean, really. Hes a beatle. Hes a great guy. And he helped me with my sobriety. And hes a great guy. So he my wife was at the party. She was in the record business. So i knew a lot of these guys. But i didnt know all of them. Like you know, the eagles. All these big rock stars were there. So i see this guy who owed me a big favor. I go, listen, is that woman, is she single or not . I have to know now. I fell in love. I was smitten immediately. So i said you better find out or im never going to help you again. And he says shes single. So i went over to her and i never stopped seeing her. 20 years later. Its great. [ applause ] jimmy thats beautiful. I thought you were going to make a joke out of it. Well, no. Shes very cynical and very funny. And i remember i was doing a show, a benefit for mort sahl. You know, hes one of the great legendary guys of all time. [ applause ] so were driving, mort this is years ago. Mort had four blonds sitting with him. And you know, look, you get older, were intimate, but you know, my back, my ass, my neck, my ears. Sometimes the doctor says you want to have intercourse or a career . That was a sad thing. Jimmy the doctor said that to you . Yes. Intercourse or a career. So he says if you have intercourse you have to only lie on your back. And my wife says only on your back . You were so great. And i had a prescription. Richard can only lie on his back. [ laughter ] so we made a deal. My wife has her own business. Okay . Jimmy okay. So she says if you only lie on your back i can be on the telephone while were having intercourse. So shes very hip. So were doing this mort sahl thing. I know we have to end soon. This is ridiculous. Jimmy were going to do another segment for the syrians. So i see mort, were driving home, i go do you think mort still not mort. Do you think oh, hugh hefner was sitting there with the five blonds. Do you think he still screws . And my wife said no, no. What do you mean no . Its hugh hefner. And heres what she said. They probably and if i get bleeped i dont care. It was so hip. She says, they probably just play with his pecker and feed him grapes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy that would be a hell of a title. So im driving. Im driving, and i almost killed 900 people driving home. And i said to my wife, who needs grapes . I could eat grapes. If my wife played with my pecker every night, i wouldnt be here. Ill tell you that. Ive got to go. I know. Hes jimmy curb your enthusiasm returns october 1st, hbo. October 1st. Jimmy jack johnson [ cheers and applause ] but lets do one more. Well do one more. Well do one weve never done this, but well do one special segment. Well put it on youtube. Nobody even watches television anymore. All they watch is the internet. All right . So well be right back with jack johnson, but well also be back with Richard Lewis. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Your babys chubby little hand latches onto your finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. Just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh . Hey . I paused it. Bam, family time. So how is everyone . Find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy well, thank you very much to Christian Slater and Richard Lewis. Apologies to matt damon. We did run out of time for him. Nightline is next. But first, his new album all the light aabove it too is out today. Here with the song my mind is for sale, jack johnson [ cheers and applause ] well i heard the blinkers on i heard were changing lanes i heard he needs more space i heard that six or seven words he likes to use are always in bad taste and i heard that mondays just a word we say every seven times around and then we pin the tail on tuesday strings go up and down and the elephant in the room begins to dance the cameras zoom into his mouth begins to move those hateful words he uses i dont care for your paranoid us against them fearful kind of walls i dont care for your careless me first gimme gimme appetite at all and all the real estate in my mind is for sale its all been subdivided divided into reasons why my two opposing thoughts at once are just fine and the residue from the price tag on the tip of my tongue words dont come they go how many likes i gotta get before i know the truth and the truth is season three will be a great reason to forget all about realitys a slippery slope watch the tv scream and shout it i dont care for your paranoid us against them fearful kind of walls i dont care for your careless me first gimme gimme appetite at all i heard the blinkers on i heard were changing lanes i heard we need more space i heard that six or seven words are in bad taste its absurd to believe that we might deserve anything as if its balanced in the end and the good guys always win i dont care for your paranoid us against them fearful kind of walls i dont care for your careless me first gimme gimme appetite with the residue from the price tag on those two opposing thoughts in my mind us against them fearful kind of walls [ cheers and applause ] thank you. This is nightline. Tonight, unstoppable irma. The monster storm flattening entire caribbean islands. The entire country has been decimated. Barreling toward the american coast. Now in florida over 5 million asked to evacuate. Beaches empty. Streets without cars. Were at the miami airport for the last flights out. Freeways clogged for hours. Gas stations out of fuel. Can everyone get out in time . And the warning about these city skyscrapers. Plus, campus killing. College party ending in gunshots. One student dead. I like saw a puddle of blood next to me. Police storming the scene, caught on body camera recordings. Turn