Placed a small white note of prayer in its cracks, right next to trumps. [ light laughter ] according to the new york times, attorney general Jeff Sessions was questioned by special counsel Robert Muellers office last week for several hours. But despite muellers tenacity, sessions said he would not disclose the location of me pot of gold. [ light laughter ] following reports that President Trump carried on an affair with a porn star shortly after the birth of his youngest son, the head of the conservative Family Research council said in a new interview that trump deserves a doover. Okay, but i doubt shed still be into it. [ light laughter ] according to vanity fair, white house staffers have nicknamed chief of staff john kelly, quote, the church lady. Steve bannon lives in a van down by the river. [ laughter and applause ] yesterday was president and yesterday was president and melania trumps 13th wedding anniversary. At least according to the wall next to melanias bed. [ laughter and applause ] according to a new report, netflix lost 39 million this year on projects it scrapped while cutting ties with kevin spacey, and thats not even including all of the money they lost on the Jerry Sandusky christmas special. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] thats how i thought it would go. [ light laughter ] rum maker bacardi announced yesterday that its acquiring patron spirits for 5. 1 billion. And like most bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5 00 a. M. In the backseat of an uber. [ light laughter ] its 5. 1 billion [ light laughter ] 5. 2 [ light laughter ] according to reuters, over a dozen camels were disqualified from a camel beauty contest in saudi arabia after they were caught being injected with botox. [ light laughter ] plus, im pretty sure that aint real. [ light laughter ] thats the most most disturbing graphic weve ever made. [ light laughter ] the taj mahal is currently undergoing its first cleaning since its construction in the 1600s. Maybe we should do that, said new york. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] and finally, this is very exciting. We all have inner voices in the back of our head. Thanks to newly developed technology, we here at late night have the ability to record the tiny voice thats inside Donald Trumps head. You might be surprised to know that like everyones inner voice, Donald Trumps is filled with paralyzing fear and selfdoubt. So here it is, the tiny voice in the back of Donald Trumps head. In my capacity as hey, donald. Its me. The tiny voice in the back of your head. Are you thinking what im thinking . Because im thinking that mike pence looks a lot more like a president than you do. [ light laughter ] i mean, look at him. Hes killing it right now. Speaking in complete sentences, turning the page each time he finishes a page, not making insane gestures. He looks like a real president. And look at you. You look like a guy who won a contest to stand next to a president. [ light laughter ] i mean, hes a complete freak and all, but at least he can fake being normal. How does it feel to be weirder than mike pence . [ cheers and applause ] seth we have got a fantastic show for you tonight. Theyre the cohead writers of snl and anchors for weekend update, my very good friends michael che and colin jost are back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is a grammy Award Winning musician and producer and cofounder of the Ally Coalition. Jack antonoff is back with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and fantastic music from a Country Singer songwriter, Ashley Mcbryde is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] were so very happy to have her here as well. Now, you guys, im gonna be straight with you. Im in my 40s now. Im married. I have a kid. I have another one on the way. But nothing makes me feel older than when i realize i no longer know the teen slang terms that are being used by teenagers these days. And it seems to me that these days teen slang terms are evolving so fast, that its impossible to keep up. So we decided as a service to give you a little primer on new teen slang terms in a segment we call seth explains teen slang. [ cheers and applause ] seth our first new teen slang term is iphone battery. Lets see what it means. Its a friend who is all charged up before you leave the house and then totally drained within 20 minutes. [ laughter and applause ] here it is. Here it is in a sentence. Julia said she was down to party all night, but by the time we got to the club, she was asleep and drooling in the back of the uber. Girl an iphone battery. [ laughter and applause ] next up, we have ben carson. This is a guy who is excellent at science, but an idiot in every other way. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Tyler got a 100 in a. P. Physics, but he accidentally calls the teacher mom and eats his cereal with a fork. Total ben carson. [ applause ] this next one is based on oscarnominated actor christopher plummer, its getting plummerd. This is when your teacher gets replaced by a substitute in the middle of the semester because he did something bad. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] for example, my calculus teacher mr. Wilson showed up to homecoming high on molly, and now hes totally getting plummerd. [ laughter and applause ] up next, its instagrim. Lets see what it means. Its someone who only posts incredibly sad photos online. [ light laughter ] for example, i think trevor is in a bad place. He keeps posting photos of his dead fish with long poems attached. Instagrim. [ laughter and applause ] moving on, its whackintosh. Heres the definition. The old computer in the School Library that doesnt have a porn filter. [ laughter and applause ] here it is in a sentence. Good news, i found a whackintosh in the library. Bad news, it took 60 minutes to download two seconds of video. Onlysawthepizza. [ laughter and applause ] moving on, we have janet status. Lets see the definition. Its when your aunt keeps trying to post a message on someones facebook wall, but accidentally posts it on her wall for everyone to see. [ light laughter ] for example, my aunt just wrote happy birthday big guy on her facebook wall seven times in a row. Total janet status. [ laughter and applause ] this one incredibly helpful for teens. Emojeebies. This is what happens when a potential hook up turns you off by texting a disturbing grouping of emojis. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Hit up sandy at 11 00 p. M. With a u up. she tested back with a crystal ball, cash, a gun and an eggplant. Girl gives me the emojeebies. [ laughter and applause ] up next is menschwarmer. Heres the definition. The jewish kid who should be cut from the team, but hes just way too good of a guy. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Damn it we were finally going to tell josh that hes cut, but then that menschwarmer shows up to practice with rice crispy squares. Now the coach is letting him start. [ laughter and applause ] our last teen slang term is bwoke. Heres the definition. When a dad tries to be woke, but gets it all wrong. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Jens dad picked her up from soccer practice wearing a pussy hat and yelled, yo, any of you cisgenders need a ride home . [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] hes bwoke. [ laughter and applause ] this has been seth explains teen slang. [ cheers and applause ] well be back with michael che and colin jost, everybody [ cheers and applause ] Smoky Mountain barbecue Fried Chicken so crispy and sweet that crispy Fried Chicken. Alright, stop, stop i cant do this and cutting i thought if i dressed up like a Country Music legend, it would help kfc sell my delicious, new Smoky Mountain barbecueooooo try it in the tenders basket for just 4. 99. Disinfectant after ive says i hdisinfected . Off the yeah, im not gonna do that. Seventh generations disinfectant spray. It kills 99. 99 of bacteria, and theres no rinse required. Time to come clean with seventh generation. Comeclean [coughs] that cough doesnt sound so good. Take mucinex dm. Ill text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. One pill lasts 12 hours, so. Looks like im good all night why take 4hour coughmedicine . Just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Lets end this. Volunteer at neighborhoodofgood. Com. State farm. Ok, i. Is it. . Clearblue digital pregnancy test. With smart countdown, gives unmistakably clear. Results written in words. Over 99 accurate. Absolute clarity, when you need it most. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. Uploading your w2. , theres no drama just take a little photo of it. No kerfuffle. See, nothing to be afraid of at all. Intuit turbotax. What happens now. Determines what happens to the rest of the world. Lets go experience aweinspiring performance in the 2018 lexus lc 500. This never gets old. Experience amazing. See Marvel Studios black panther in theaters feb 16th. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight, hes the drummer from renowned metal band mastodon whose album emperor of sand is Grammy Nominated for best rock album. They also earned a second nomination in the best Metal Performance category, brann dailor is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for being here brann. Thank you. Thank you. Seth our first guests tonight are the coanchors of saturday night lives weekend update. Snl returns this week with host will ferrell and musical guest chris stapleton. Please welcome back to the show, our very good friends michael che and colin jost, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth i was just thinking when you guys walked out, have you ever watched the first time colin did standup on fallon . No. Seth it was great because you work with colin, you know that hes not the most on time guy, right . Sure. [ talking over each other ] youre later than me. [ light laughter ] seth if hes on time enough to know youre late, you should be ashamed of yourself. Colin walked out to the mic, ive never seen someone take a longer walk to the microphone. He like did a big parabolic arc. Well, that was my first time on tv. Seth that was your First Time Ever on television . It was, right . Yeah it was the first time i ever and you immediately after seth was like, how could you have walked that slowly . [ laughter ] hes, like, you used half of the time of your set just to get to the microphone. Seth it was like they had told you we want you to do standup, but hadnt said thered be cameras or people. You were like, oh, my goodness. [ light laughter ] and were going to be speeding it up a lot, the footage, so really take your time. Hes a small town boy from new york city. [ laughter ] seth you guys youre both new york city guys. But very different parts of new york city. Very, very. [ cheers and applause ] colin is from Staten Island, and im from the projects. [ laughter ] so its two different corners of the world. There were more woos for the projects than for Staten Island i just want to point out. [ light laughter ] seth we, obviously, we share a history snl now of being weekend update anchors, you guys now we share something else. You guys were promoted to cohead writers earlier this year, congratulations. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] seth how how have you found it so far . I mean, as you know, youre basically doing the job already before you get the job. Seth right. They dont give it to you unless you can do it. Right, yeah. Theyre not like, heres some scripts just see what happens. Its basically the same job you were already doing but you have maybe like ten times the stress. Like way more anxiety, but you cant do any more work than youre already doing. Seth yeah. Yeah. Its like planning someone elses wedding. Constantly planning if you mess it up theyre very mad at you. [ light laughter ] youre planning lornes wedding every week. Seth well i texted you congratulations and then you didnt write back and i saw you at a party and i said, hey is your phone number the same . Youre, like, i just didnt, i dont even know how to feel about it yet. [ laughter ] well, its a tough situation now because ive got a lot of friends that work in comedy and theyre always, like, hey, man. Could you help me get on snl and im always like, yeah, i dont got no power there. And now im head writer i got to like tell them hey, its because i dont believe in you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] im not going help you for that reason only. Seth one of the things you had sometimes its just too late when news breaks late on saturday to write a sketch, obviously, but on update you can get a joke in every now and then. This Trump Administration i feel like, already famous for latebreaking news. Have you guys had to squeeze stuff into update . Yeah he keeps it exciting. Yeah hes like its like being on chopped. Have you ever watched that show chopped . Where its just like a new ingredient for no reason . Youre like, all right. Now i have got to figure out how to seth how put sriracha on my pizza. Sriracha for the dessert round . Okay. I guess. Seth did you guys the hawaii disaster i mean, not disaster, but of the fake missile or false its a disaster among husbands and wives who thought it was happening said something horrible, and they were, like, take me back . [ light laughter ] it happened like right before there was a lot of apology notes. [ laughter ] we were on it was then it happened like a couple of hours before we were on, and we were talking about doing like a fake Emergency Alert on the show. Like missile headed to new york [ light laughter ] and then we were, like, well, i think that its actually illegal, because were on were live, and its the news and we were like maybe we shouldnt. And we realized we had more restraint than the people running the actual agency. [ light laughter ] like, maybe this is crazy. Yeah, Somebody Just like pushed the button by accident. Like it should be way harder to do that, right . [ light laughter ] shouldnt you have to like two people turn a key at the same time before you seth thats the thing if you try to print something in microsoft word, its like dont you want to spell check it . Yeah. Did you mean . [ laughter ] seth but now, i think thats a mistake is we now movies are ahead of real life, that every movie everything had to be two keys, and now we are like we are literally a finger, everywhere. Its like we dont watch these movies that tell us about the future. Thats why its like, i wont buy a sex robot for that reason, because i know its probably going to try to kill me. [ light laughter ] seth thats the why. [ laughter and applause ] really thought it through. Seth yeah. Really thought it through. This isnt on tv is it . [ light laughter ] seth not all of it, obviously. You were going to get one sent seth another last week we get free stuff all the time if we just mention a product. [ light laughter ] and ive been trying to subtly just mention products to get it sent to me for free, so ill let you know if i get a sex robot or not. [ laughter ] seth i feel like weve been doing the worst ones because i mentioned the kia sorento the other day, so im like [ laughter ] and then he mentioned gasex on the show and they immediately sent him a bunch of gasex. So, its like [ light laughter ] yeah. I mentioned lululemon in this sketch where i played a liberal white woman seth yeah. And they sent me a bunch of lululemon clothes, and now i got to explain that to my family. [ laughter ] seth i want to talk you played Gretchen White liberal and how much makeup were you in to transform into a white woman . I tried to go as method as i could with as much makeup as possible. Yeah. [ laughter ] seth really unrecognizable i wont tell the people watching at home which one che is, but hes one of those one of those three white women. When the Stormy Daniels story happened, when that broke the crazy thing was, the last time donald trump was on the show he was in a sketch with vanessa and cecily who were playing porn stars. Thats true. Seth did you guys did that occur to you as quickly as it occurred to me . Yes. About instantaneously. Seth yeah. Because in the sketch, at the end of it, he turns to cecily and he says didnt you used to be a brunette . [ audience ohs ] and like, hes not going to ever say that and then he said it. [ laughter ] and literally right after it says it, it cuts to donald trump for president 2016. It was insane. Seth so you guys have a theory that people are actually jealous of trump, which not a lot of people talk about. I like that you said it as though this is our known theory. [ light laughter ] we have this theory. I wouldnt say jealous. I just think theyre waiting for the other shoe to drop where he gets his comeuppance, but it just seems to keep Getting Better and better for him. [ laughter ] and its driving people nuts. Like you know, the medical report comes out about him like hes 239 and he can live until hes 100yearsold and youre, like, how is that possible . [ laughter ] people are basically just really angry at him that he has great genes. Seth yeah. Like he can just eat this mcdonalds five times a day and hes fine. Seth and he does. His parents lived to be very old. Hes definitely going to be 90. Seth 90 at the minimum. Yeah. Well, i have a theory that were going to have tiny robots inside us and well live until 250, but thats not what this is about. [ light laughter ] well talk about that later. Seth somebodys gonna get some tiny robots sent to them. [ light laughter ] sent inside them . [ light laughter ] seth one of my favorite things, of course, is the sketches that are written that do not make it to the show, and some of these ideas maybe have not even been written. Do you have some favorites . Even the ones that have been written havent really been written, theyve been like really, half thought out. Seth what is the Rosetta Stone sketch . This was when donald trump hosted, i pitched him an idea that he weirdly didnt want to do, where he was a spokesman for Rosetta Stone mexican. [ light laughter ] so he would teach you phrases you could say to someone who was mexican, like youre going to build the wall. Seth oh, i see. No no usted you know whatever. [ talking over each other ] seth what was heroin a. M. . That was nondrowsy heroin. [ light laughter ] it was from the makers of cocaine p. M. [ laughter ] and it was a sketch that was not popular in middle america. Some sketches are just good ideas and its not even funny. Yeah, thats a great product. Thats just a good product. [ light laughter ] you want to take heroin, but you also want to get some stuff done. Seth what was was it your idea the origin of screw the pooch . Yeah. I wanted to do a sketch about the first guy to ever say the phrase screwed the pooch because an intern one time messed up a coffee order and i was like, hey i didnt order this. And he goes, im sorry about that che, i really screwed the pooch on that one. And i said, what was that . And he goes, screwed the pooch. It means i made a mistake. And i was like no, man, it means, you had sex with a dog. [ laughter ] and you should probably stop saying that in a workplace environment. So i wanted to just dig into that guy, because im sure he probably had sex with a dog one time and just kept pretending that it was a mistake that everyone else makes. [ laughter ] yeah, thats like the coffee thing. We all make mistakes. Oh, you messed up the coffee . Now who has sex with dogs . Still you gary youre still the only one thats done that. Seth half viagra . Oh, yeah. Thats a fun one. Well we kept seeing these ads i dont know if youve seen them, for single packs of viagra. Where its like a weird husband, and its, like, were going on a trip with my wife and hes like, oh well pack one single pack of viagra. Hes like, i want to have sex, but i dont want to carry the whole bottle. Seth right. So theyre on vacation and you can be like, you get one shot. [ light laughter ] we wanted to do ads for halfpacks of viagra. And if you didnt want to have sex, you just wanted to make it look a little bigger. [ laughter ] like if you knew you were going somewhere, like you had a doctors appointment. Or like a tailor or something. You know [ light laughter ] got to use like, a stadium urinal. You want people to be [ laughter ] seth yeah. Whatever. I still say we should have called it viagra al dente. [ laughter ] seth first black guy to boo Jackie Robinson . [ light laughter ] right. First of all, it was february and i wanted a black history sketch, and i was like, who was the first black guy to boo Jackie Robinson for a baseball play . There had to be one, i mean, he im sure he had an error before. Seth uhhuh . Yes. Censor said no. Seth really . Yeah, my favorite sketches are, like, really racially charged. Seth yeah. Like Chris Hemsworth hosted and i wanted to do a sketch where the avengers save the day, but in the process thor accidentally kills an unarmed black teenager. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] he didnt think that was on brand . Yeah, he said it wouldnt help with tickets. [ laughter ] seth i think it wouldve helped with tickets. I thought it would help with tickets, too. Seth was it a cvs game show sketch . A game show that was set inside of a cvs that was called who works here . [ laughter ] thats a good one. Contestants had to buzz in try and decide is that you know, an employee, or a drifter in a red vest . [ light laughter ] seth and then, this one you guys Cecilia Gimenez was a character that Kate Mckinnon played. Yes. Seth and for the actually news story and why she first played him, there was a painting of jesus right, that someone repainted and then to retouch it, and then it looked like a howler monkey. Basically. Seth it was, like, the worst repainting job of all time. Yeah. And then we did one i think where she did the Cristiano Ronaldo statue that was in segment two. Or the lucy one, it was like lucille ball where she looked like the snake character from beetlejuice. [ light laughter ] and this, someone talked about cause they saw i dont know if you guys saw the animatronic trump at disney world, or something where she was the one who designed that. It basically looked like a way worse Jon Voight Seth melty voight. So what is the pressure like . Obviously every week on snl there is a certain amount of pressure. You guys have one of the alltime greats, will ferrell this week. Some would say oh, my god, cruise control, but you have to feel pressure. Yeah. You do, you feel a lot of pressure because everyone already knows hes good. [ light laughter ] so if its not good its our fault. Were the ones thats the problem so yeah, its a lot of pressure. Hopefully will can step up to it. [ laughter ] carry us through with a cowbell two. Seth well, i especially am grateful you guys came here tonight because pretty much youre gonna leave here here and go right up stairs and write through the night. I cant wait for saturday. Its always such a pleasure to see both of you. And update has been so fantastic this year. Keep up the great work. Ah, thank you man. Congratulations on the globes too. You were fantastic hosting the globes. Seth thank you so much. Really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] wonderful, wonderful. Seth jost jost sent me jokes for the globes, which was very nice, and like a day before the globes you had an idea. Oh, yeah. Seth it was unproduceable. Yeah, i wanted andy samberg to play the creature from the shape of water. And that he was in the audience and he was falling in love with seth as the show went on. And the second time you saw him he was in a bathtub on stage asking seth to get in the bathtub. [ light laughter ] seth and it was great because it was written like someone who had never been in show business. Yes. [ laughter ] thats how i try to approach every idea. You had the good sense to do like, good, smart stuff. Seth no no, no, i but i did like the idea of like, just constantly like in the middle of like a speech. Like oprah giving her speech, andy being like, i need water. [ laughter ] i think that was what the evening needed. You definitely should have booed oprah. That wouldve been the best. [ laughter ] seth get seth back out thank you guys so much for being here. Che and jost everybody [ cheers and applause ] snl this week will ferrell, chris stapleton. Well be right back with Jack Antonoff [ cheers and applause ] vo do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light. Do not go gentle into that good night. At at t, buy one iphone 8 and get one on us. Thats one for you, and one for. Your bbf your backup singer. Your frenemy your boo your roomie so one phone for you and one phone for someone in your squad. Buy an iphone 8 and get a second iphone 8 on us. Try degree ultraclear black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains and black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down pssst. What . I switched to geico and got more. More savings on Car Insurance . Aha. And an awardwinning mobile app. That is more. Oh, theres more. Mobile id cards, emergency roadside service. More technology. I can even add a new driver. Right from her phone geico. Expect great savings and a whole lot more. [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a grammywinning musician, and the frontman for the band bleachers. He also cofounded the Ally Coalition which hosts its Fourth Annual talent show tomorrow night at town hall in new york. Please welcome back to the show Jack Antonoff, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back thanks, seth. Seth so, i want to start by talking about the Ally Coalition. This is a Great Organization that you started with your sister. Yeah . Yeah. Seth youre doing a talent show tomorrow night, and so, tell me real quick about the organization, and why you do a talent show as your fundraiser . Well the talent i mean, you ever been to a fundraiser where theres, like, a lot of, like, boring things happening, and repulsive steak. Seth yeah. And youre like, that was great, but no. Seth it was bad. Yeah. Yeah. So we just thought, well the organization we raise money for homeless lgbtq shelters. Specifically, we work a lot with a shelter called new alternatives in new york city. Its a really specific niche because a lot of any Youth Homelessness is obviously horrible, but kids who are being kicked out of their homes because theyre gay, or trans, its the worst. And these shelters need a lot of help, and theres a lot of Great Organizations that are big organizations and do great work, but we just do events, and then give money straight there. Its real ma and pa. So we thought no steak, you know . No seth yeah, no steak, no salmon, even as an alternative. Yeah. Yeah. [ light laughter ] no fish at all. Seth no, right. But you know, like, what if we just like took kind of those old school, like, when youre in high school and theres talent shows, and someone does a harmonica, and someone does a dance, and someone like raps. But instead, it was like me, and the national, and lorde, and that kind of thing. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Because the truth is like, touring can be rigid. Like, im sure youre this way. Like, dont you like getting loose, seth . Seth yeah. I like to loosen up. Thanks, man ive been telling this to my wife for years right, yeah. [ laughter ] but like you know lets think about seth here for a second, like you know, you have room to be loose, but you still have theres still a seth sure. Youve got to do something here thats specific, where as like, if you just do like an open mic somewhere youre probably really loose. Seth yeah. Yeah. [ light laughter ] so i want to create a space where we could raise a lot of money for the shelter, and then also have a really good time. Seth so, when you have somebody like lorde or the national, at the talent show are they then doing are they out of their comfort zone . Yeah. cause, its like a piano and acoustic guitar, everyone comes and messes around. Seth covers is that . Its just well, the nice thing about charity is as soon as you do something that is so much more important than anything, everything exists below it, and is just fun. If i go play a show. Thats the show, and thats the whole point of the night. People bought tickets for that show. If i do a benefit, and were giving money to a shelter, what could go wrong . Seth yeah. Its, like, if i play terrible, or sing terrible, or fall off the stage, its like, we still raised the money, you know . [ laughter ] seth yeah, exactly. I think thats a good way of looking at it. Hence why you eat the fish or the steak, because you still raised the money. Seth yeah, exactly. Thats why you dont send it back, and say this is yeah, thats why youre not like seth disgusting. Yeah. [ light laughter ] i saw seth at a benefit just flip a table. Seth i that was twice, and so you only saw one of them. You demand quality. [ laughter ] seth congratulations. You were nominated for two grammys. Yes. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] seth very exciting. One for working with taylor swift. One for album of the year, lordes fantastic album, and lorde was here. I loved talking to her about that process of you guys collaborating. I did not realize that you did you like her voice . Seth her voice. Shes got a really nice voice. Special, yeah. Seth yeah. Youre a music producer, you probably noticed right away. Moon man. Seth what . You said moon man . Seth youre a moon man. Youve been to space. You a moon man. [ light laughter ] seth did you you introduced her to american cereal . Yeah. Seth how did that come about . Weve introduced each other to a lot of things because its a vastly different culture in new zealand to the United States. In the United States we have a tendency to think this is it. Seth right. Nailed it. [ light laughter ] yeah, like for example, i have an italian friend, and i was like italian wedding soup, the best right . And they were like thats not a thing in italy. [ laughter ] so they dont have you know, i grew up in a culture where every night you would have a cereal while you watch tv. Sounded sad. My dad gave me a pack of cigarettes [ laughter ] seth yeah. I wanted dinner, but he said have your cereal. Well, this was after dinner. I was fed. Not in other ways, but i was fed good food. So you know, she didnt know lucky charms, cinnamon toast crunch, fruity pebbles, just the classics and thats a absurd niche. That was one thing i was able to show her. Seth did she when you first she taught me class. Seth she taught you class and grace, and you taught her i taught her about fruity pebbles. Seth was her reaction to it, coming to it later in life, is it jarring to eat fruity pebbles . Well yeah, it was disgusting. [ laughter ] seth yeah. I would imagine that once you get past like, age six, its like, well the window closed on fruity pebbles. Theres things youre a jew, right . Seth uh, not really. Youre not jewish . [ laughter ] seth isnt that crazy . My father [ laughter ] i married one, if that matters, and so my children will be, and i think eventually im going to just cave. [ laughter ] thats what we call it. We used to call it converting, now we call it caving. [ laughter ] but the reason why i was going to bring up jewish things, because in different cultures like americans with sugary cereal, you adapt to things. So you know, gefilte fish, the plasma that it lives in, certain pickled herrings, et cetera. Seth yeah. A bunch of jews in the audience. [ laughter ] if i show that to a nonjew, they love it. You know, so its like [ laughter ] seth right. So our american cereal to a new zealander is the same. Seth yeah, it doesnt seem like you know, that youre like doing a jewish thing. Right . Seth yeah, yeah, no. Anyone who thinks im jewish, im not, like, how . Where did you come to that . [ laughter ] yeah, sorry. Unplanned. Undiscussed. Seth no, exactly, no. Certainly name, face, everything about me, its a safe bet. [ laughter ] my fathers father was jewish, so its, like, there. Its there. Seth yeah, but i feel weird when people say are you jewish . Im like demonstrably not, but i also feel like its a weird thing to say to jewish people, like no, no, no, no, no. [ laughter ] you got a piece. Seth i got a piece, yeah. Ill tell you why ill take a piece, and why we will. Seth okay. Is because jews love to refer to all the terrible things that have happened to jews, like a jew would love to be like, you know who would have thought you were a jew . And then theyll be like, you know, yeah. Seth yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] so you know, because it wasnt, like, whether it was egypt, or europe, or whatever it was, it wasnt, like, oh, youre all this it was all bad. Yeah. Seth yeah, no one was ever like having the paper work, and being like, so how jewish are you . Yeah, totally. Seth yeah, no, thats fine. And there was like it didnt happen. Seth but i also feel a little disappointed, because i do and you can speak to this more than i can because youre jewish. Jews are always happy to find other jews. Like, so when i say im not, i feel like im letting people down. Can i tell you why . Seth yeah. Well, this is actually you will laugh you might laugh, but this is totally serious. Jews, because of an existence starting all the way in egypt of someone trying to stop the culture from moving forward have this diabolical need to move it forward. So unlike other religions jews, at least the jews i know, promote sex amongst jews, but it has to be with jews. So ill give you a quick anecdote which im actually happy to share, because im writing it into something, and i dont want someone else to take it so we can stamp it. Seth great, okay, perfect. [ laughter ] many of my friends lost their virginity about a mile from auschwitz, and i will tell you why. No this is serious, because jews put other jews on these crazy trips. Like, i went on a mock exodus trip. Seth right. Where they put 1,000 jews on a boat that were all horny, and 14 with no counselors, and we all touched each other, so like [ light laughter ] ill get back to the are they going to cut this piece . Seth no, i dont think so. Do you want them to . [ laughter ] i think im fascinated by it. I think we should i mean, this is great. I think you should keep it. Seth yeah. Well, its just when i said i know a lot of jews who lost their virginity near auschwitz, and the entire audience gasped. [ laughter ] seth well now i have to be honest. Were you surprised, because theres no near auschwitz where people go ha ha ha ha [ laughter ] its a sentence killer. [ laughter ] let me explain myself. Yeah. Heres why, so they take you, and they take you on these historical trips, but they keep it all jews together, because they want you in a very emotional environment to connect with other jews, see the history and then seth right. What do you do if youre 14 and just you had your mind blown by horrible things youve seen from world war ii. And you get back to the hotel and theyre, like, now have fun, you know. [ laughter ] and youre, like seth that yeah. And you go and you touch jews, you know . Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i think thats a beautiful i dont know if you told us more about judaism, or 14yearolds, but i do feel like [ laughter ] but heres the difference, i have a lot of friends of different faiths, and some other faiths, theyre more like dont touch. The jews are, like, touch, but with a jew, because if you dont the race will die. [ laughter ] so you have this crazy freedom, and stress. I think thats what the culture is. Seth i will say my wifes jewish parents were very, like, oh hooray what . Oh. [ light laughter ] yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth and then like over the course of five years they were, like, oh, youre jewish enough. But i mean intergenerational trauma is fascinating, and i think that theres so much humor in it from the jewish culture. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] not a joke [ laughter ] seth no, i know. By the way, they gasp when i mentioned a historical site, and when i say intergenerational trauma is fascinating they cackled. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. They. Sorry, guys. But were wildly off topic, maybe . Seth i dont know, but i think it was kind of wonderful. It was nice. Seth thank you for going off topic with me, i think that was great. And congratulations on this event year four tomorrow, right . Its really exciting. We moved it to town hall and thank you to everyone who supported it. Seth i feel like i want to say one more time. Its bleachers, its lorde, its the nationals, who oh, spoon . Is spoon . Spoon is playing. Michael birbiglia is going to be there. Seth oh, fantastic. Shamir, kacey musgraves, aparna, phoebe robinson, jacqueline novak. Seth well thats an incredible night. Thanks for doing all of that great work, and its just so great to talk to you always, man. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. Great to see you. Seth Jack Antonoff everybody. For more information about the Ally Coalition visit theallycoalition. Org. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] elevator speaker going down. Oh no. Peter . Its kristy. Camp jenkins . Maybe this will jog your memory. Alexa, play my funky place. alexa playing your music. Remember our dance . Yeah, im not peter. Alexa, note to self. Take the stairs next time. Get a free moto mod with amazon alexa when you buy a moto z2. Available at major carriers. When you buy a moto z2. When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. This beneful grain free is so healthy. Oh farmraised chicken thats good chicken hm . Here come the accents. Blueberries and pumpkin. Wow. And spinach that was my favorite bite so far. avo beneful grain free. Out with the grain, in with the farmraised chicken. Healthful. Flavorful. Beneful. swing jazz music plays music stops splash thud bell ringing, applause thud disinfectant after ive says i hdisinfected . Off the yeah, im not gonna do that. Seventh generations disinfectant spray. It kills 99. 99 of bacteria, and theres no rinse required. Time to come clean with seventh generation. Comeclean knowing that they could possibly pass it down to you one day. Cool but you should know that chevy silverados are the most dependable, longest lasting fullsize pickups on the road. Which means that ford f150s are not. Which truck would you pick . The chevy the chevy the chevy boom get zero percent financing for seventy two months on this 2018 silverado all star. Or a total value of over ninetysix hundred dollars when you finance with gm financial. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Fried chicken smokyso crispy and sweet that crispy Fried Chicken. Alright, stop, stop i cant do this and cutting i thought if i dressed up like a Country Music legend, it would help kfc sell my delicious, new Smoky Mountain barbecueooooo try it in the tenders basket for just 4. 99. [ cheers and applause ] seth with a slew of 2017 year end praise, my next guest is poised to break out in 2018 making her Television Debut performing a little dive bar in dahlonega, please welcome Ashley Mcbryde, everyone to the bags packed first love leavers the heart cracked double down dreamer the homesick for grass thats greener and a slice of mamas peach pie to the flat broke couch cushion gas money the worker bee that aint getting no honey missing someone all the while running gunning for the brighter lights heres to the break ups that didnt break us the break down wrong turn that takes you to a little dive bar in dahlonega hear a song from a band that saves you man its hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothings going right making the best of the worst day kinda night weve all got a number we dont wanna drunk dial and a good friend we aint seen in a while and a slow dance left in these boots and a chance at putting down new roots heres to the break ups that didnt break us the break down wrong turn that takes you to a little dive bar in dahlonega hear a song from a band that saves you man its hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothings going right making the best of the worst day kinda night heres to the break ups that didnt break us the break down wrong turn that takes ya to a little dive bar in dahlonega meet a girl outside atlanta then when its hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothings going right just singing along with your drink raised a pretty little blonde things looking your way making the best of the worst day kinda night and its making the best of the worst day kinda night ooh heres to the break ups that kinda night [ cheers and applause ] seth Ashley Mcbryde. The album, girl going nowhere is out on march 30th. For dates head over to ashleymcbryde. Com. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] sfx muffled whistle text alert. Im your phone, stuck down here between your seat and your console, playing a little hidenseek. Cold. Warmer. Warmer. Ah boiling. Jackpot. And if youve got cutrate Car Insurance, you could be picking up these charges yourself. So get allstate, where agents help keep you protected from mayhem. Like me. Mayhem is everywhere. Are you in good hands . Join tmobile today, and get an unlimited family plan with netflix included. Wow. Plus, when you buy an iphone, get an iphone for your bff on us. I like it. All on americas best unlimited network. What from your first dream to your first dollar. From between shifts and after hours. From the struggle, to the reckoning. To the moment you sit in that auditorium and realize that your whole life is about to change. What if a university could guarantee fixed affordable tuition. From your first class, to your last. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. What happens now. Determines what happens to the rest of the world. Lets go experience aweinspiring performance in the 2018 lexus lc 500. This never gets old. Experience amazing. See Marvel Studios black panther in theaters feb 16th. Setry degreetudios ultraclear black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains and black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down whoa. on baby monitor weve got a situation here. Ive never seen anything like that. Will you get my phone, please . Youre not taking a picture of that . No, i want to video chat with a doctor cooing grunt oh clattering toys clicking, buzzing whoa. straining im okay. Need a doctor after hours . Unitedhealthcare can help. See a doctor right on your phone, right from your home. Is that normal . Thats normal for a new baby. And what about him . Hey, doc. Doctor thats normal for a new parent. Unitedhealthcare. Doctor thats normal for a new parent. In the state with more ski mountains than any other, family fun reaches a new peak. So whether youre a speed demon or more of a snow angel, your winter chariot awaits. Pick the best peak for your family getaway at iloveny. Com new york state. Its all here. Its only here. Get the best internet with the best shows and get the best of both worlds. Fios by verizon gives you the Fastest Internet available for only 79. 99 a month online with a two year agreement, and your netflix is on us for one year. And with the gigabit connection on the 100 fiberoptic network, you can stream on up to 100 devices at once. So get the Fastest Internet available, plus netflix, plus up to200 tv channels, plus phone, plus a twoyear price guarantee. All for just 79. 99 per month. Its time to fiber optics your netflix. Go to getfios. Comto switch today. Announcer for more late night, go to latenightseth. Com. Follow us on instagram and twitter latenightseth. And be sure to check us out on youtube and facebook. Head over to itunes and subscribe to the late night with seth meyers podcast. Youll get a closer look and more downloaded right to your phone. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to michael che, colin jost, Jack Antonoff. Ashley mcbryde, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] brann dailor and the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ] carson hi there, im carson daly. This is last call. Tonight were at the cutting room in new york city, and here is whats about to hit your tv screen. Its a good one, and the spotlight from the magicians jade tailor is on the show