This brings us to a new segment, entitled, seth has to walk away for a minute. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ mumbling ] seth i mean what point at what point to just have some common decency . Some Human Emotion . [ laughter ] i mean announcer this has been seth has to walk away for a minute. [ cheers and applause ] seth in an interview yesterday, white house counselor, Kellyanne Conway said of hillary clinton, quote, we dont care about her. Nobody here talks about her. [ light laughter ] wow i cant believe conway has worked at the white house all this time and she still hasnt met this guy. [ laughter ] hillarys name is in his mouth more often than his teeth are. [ laughter and applause ] conway also said last night that President Trump realized there doesnt need to be a wall alongside the entire southern border, because, quote, there are rivers involved, im told. There are mountains involved. Also, people dont want to come here any more, because we have a bad president. Senator [ cheers and applause ] senator jeff flake said today that President Trumps proposed border wall doesnt need to be a wall, but more of a fence. Theyll even settle for a net or a sternly worded sign, parking cones. And if they still cant afford it, just get some old guy who yells, get get outta here [ cheers and applause ] according to nbc news, former white house chief strategist, steve bannon, has hired a lawyer to help him prepare to testify before the house intelligence committee. Id say bannon is starting to sweat, but im pretty sure he never stopped. [ laughter ] President Trump announced yesterday the delivery of f52 fighter jets to norway, despite the f52 being a fictional aircraft from the game of call of duty. So bad news, norway. It sounds like youre not getting those battle carts, either. [ cheers and applause ] first lady, melania trump, has added three new people to her personal white house staff. She just needs one more to make it over the fence. [ laughter and applause ] today was National Milk day. Or as mike pence calls it, thirsty thursday [ laughter ] according to a report due to global warming, many former Winter Olympics sites may not be reliably cold enough to host the games again after 2050. Officials first became suspicious when a figure skater drowned. Ikea has come out with a new interactive print ad for baby cribs that doubles as an athome pregnancy test. But like everything from ikea, it comes with way too many steps. Honey, it says im supposed to put my part seven into your part twelve . The New York Times has published its 13th annual list of 52 places to travel. Coming in at number one . Back in time today was learn your name in morse code day. Done, said first lady, sos. [ laughter ] and finally, President Trump this week was upset by california senator Dianne Feinsteins decision to release the full testimony transcripts regarding the russian dossier by cofounder of fusion gps, glenn simpson. Now, simpson was willing to have his testimony released and it contains no classified information. So technically, senator feinstein didnt do anything wrong. But, that didnt stop trump from calling her sneaky dianne in a tweet and claiming her actions were a disgrace and possibly illegal. Understandably, this is all a little confusing. So heres a song to help explain it. Please welcome, amber cougar mellencamp [ cheers and applause ] a little ditty bout sneaky dianne an American Girl reppin california land for leakin transcripts she deserves a gold star proof President Trump tryin to be a russian czar trump calls her a disgrace he says whatever he please but diannes little stunt puts americans at ease trump he says, hey, dianne why you witch hunting me she said, youre lucky i dont have the tape with the hooker pee [ laughter ] saying oh yeah life goes on long after your terrible president s gone oh yeah, they say life goes on long after youre done being putins pawn now walk on on donald trump this will take its toll let the bible belt try and save his soul hold on to 2016 as long as you can change is coming round real soon like an indictment by a gman little diddy bout sneaky dianne an American Girl doin the best that she can [ cheers and applause ] seth ladies and gentlemen, amber cougar mellencamp, everybody [ cheers and applause ] the best thing absolutely 100 the best thing about my job, i show up and writers come in, they say, hey. We want to write about sneaky dianne. We want a parody song to jack and diane. And i go great, who is going to play john cougar mellencamp . They go amber, and im like, great. [ laughter ] weve got a great show for you tonight, hes the host of the lead and state of the union on cnn. Jake tapper is back on the show [ cheers and applause ] one of our absolute favorites. Also, stars of the new show corporate on Comedy Central, Matt Ingebretson and jake weisman are here to talk about their new show. [ cheers and applause ] now, before we get to that, President Trump has now moved on from trying to discredit the russia investigation to pretending its over while lawmakers in both parties try to work with trump on an immigration deal. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth there were reports that special counsel Robert Muellers rapidly escalating russia investigation is now nearing the point where mueller may want to interview trump in the next few weeks. And yet despite those developments, trump is doing everything he can to pretend the investigation doesnt exist and that the allegations of russian collusion are not real. As he did at camp david on saturday. Theres been no collusion. Theres been no crime. And in theory, everybody tells me, im not under investigation. Maybe hillary is, i dont know. But im not. [ laughter ] but theres been no collusion. Theres been no crime. But, we have been very open. We could have done it two ways. We could have been very closed and it would have taken years. But you know, sort of like when youve done nothing wrong, lets be open and get it over with. Because honestly, its very, very bad for our country. Its making our country look foolish. Seth um, thats not whats making our country look foolish. [ laughter ] trumps like [ cheers and applause ] trumps like the kid at the sleepover who wakes up with a penis drawn on his face and doesnt know thats why everyone is laughing. Whats so funny . Is it kevins asthma . How hilarious is it that he needs an inhaler . Hey, do you guys smell sharpie . [ laughter ] now, republicans have repeatedly tried to discredit the russia investigation by falsely claiming that it resulted from the Christopher Steele dossier. Which contains some salacious and unverified rumors about trump as well as some information that has been corroborated by the fbi. Trump himself has attacked the dossier, like when he tweeted about a fox friends segment the day after christmas. Wow, fox friends dossier is bogus. Clinton campaign, dnc funded dossier. Fbi cannot, after all this time, verify claims in dossier of russia trump collusion. Fbi tainted. And they use this crooked hillary pile of garbage as the basis for going after the Trump Campaign thats all one tweet. [ light laughter ] hey, twitter, you couldnt wait until the next president to go to 280 characters . Thats like saying [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thats like saying, hey that guy has got a gun give him another gun also, i love how he starts with, wow, fox friends. like hes shocked that they confirmed his suspicions. [ laughter ] its kind of like m. Night shyamalan turning to you at the end of the sixth sense and going, wow, bruce willis was dead the whole time . And whats with the all caps . Is he even writing his tweets any more, or screaming them at an amazon echo . [ laughter ] alexa, are you okay . Please kill me. [ laughter and applause ] seth and in fact, we learned again this week that the dossier was not the initial basis for the russia investigation. Glenn simpson, the cofounder of the firm that contracted steele to put the dossier together, testified behind closed doors to congress that the fbi already had intelligence that tipped into allegations of possible collusion between the Trump Campaign and russia. Now, the only reason we know about this testimony is because democratic senator, dianne feinstein, decided to release it. To counter republican claims that the dossier was the reason for the russia investigation. And trump did not react to that well. He took to twitter to call her sneaky dianne feinstein. Ive got to say, thats a pretty lame insult coming from the guy who coined little marco and lyin ted. If anything, sneaky makes her sound cool. [ light laughter ] whats next, wild warren or balls out bernie . [ light laughter ] now, trumps twitter outburst only add to the growing impression that the president is dangerously unfit for the job. An impression trump tried to counter on tuesday by televising his immigration negotiations with democrats. During that meeting, trump was asked about his position on daca. The program that protects undocumented immigrants brought here as children and seemed to not really have one. It seems to me not much has actually changed here in terms of your positions. At this particular no, i think its changed i think my positions are going to be what the people in this room come up with. I am very much reliant on the people in this room. If they come to me with things that im not in love with, im going to do it. Seth trump treats governing like hes at his first sushi restaurant with his japanese friend. I dont know what any of this means, so just tell me what to get. [ laughter ] but know i like hamburgers. [ laughter ] in fact, trump is so addled and confused about policy, that during this meeting he seemed to agree with whoever was talking at any given moment. For example, democrats want a clean renewal of the daca program without any attachments. Republicans want funding for the border wall included as any part of any the deal. Trump has claimed to also want that. Yet during the meeting seemed to go back and forth depending on who was talking. What about a clean daca bill now with a commitment that we go into a comprehensive Immigration Reform procedure . I have no problem. I think thats basically what vick has said. Were going to come up with daca. Were gonna do daca. And then we can start immediately on the phase two, which would be comprehensive. Yeah, i would like to do that. Mr. President , you need to be clear, though. I think what senator feinstein is asking here, when we talk about just daca, we dont want to be back here two years later. You have to have security, as the secretary would tell you. But i think thats what shes saying. [ talking over each other ] no, i think shes saying something different. I think what were all saying is well do daca and we can certainly start comprehensive Immigration Reform the following afternoon. Seth oh, my god, its like watching siblings trying to get their senile grandfather to write them into his will. [ laughter ] i should get all the money well, okay, that seems right. Why should he get all the money . Well, that wouldnt be fair. Our president is elmer fudd trying to decide if its duck season or rabbit season. [ cheers and applause ] okay, but, the rabbit makes a good point when he says its actually duck season. Whats that . Oh, hold on, the ducks telling me something completely different. [ laughter ] so we have a bewildered president who has no idea what hes talking about. Pingponging from one position to the next, depending on who is speaking. How did the media react . Well, apparently the bar is now so low for trump that making it through one meeting is considered a win. This is the presidency that many people thought donald trump was capable of. Just the notion of him being in command, of him wanting the cameras in there and wanting the cameras to see him sitting at a table with democrats and republicans, playing the role of a dealmaker. He held a meeting that was televised with both sides of the aisle. No hate speak, no faux populism. The president there at times appearing quite engaged, asking questions. Calling on congressional leaders, offering solutions. Seth he was conscious, he knew where he was. [ laughter ] he didnt scream obscenities. He never peed his pants. News anchors talk about trump the way you talk about a sick cat. He was awake, he was drinking water. He let mike pence pet him [ laughter ] of course, those glowing reviews were not lost on trump, who bragged about them yesterday in a rambling aside during a Cabinet Meeting where he claimed that news anchors had sent him letters of congratulations for his performance during the meeting. It was a tremendous meeting. Actually, it was reported as incredibly good. And my performance some of them called it a performance. I consider it work. But got great reviews by everybody other than two networks, who were phenomenal for about two hours. Then after that, they were called by their boss, and they said, oh, wait a minute. And unfortunately, a lot of those anchors sent us letters, saying that was one of the greatest meetings they have ever witnessed. [ laughter ] and they were great. For about two hours, they were phenomenal. And then they went a little bit south on us, but not that bad. It was fine. They probably wished they didnt send us those letters of congratulations, but it was good. Seth a letter of congratulations . I doubt that happened, but if you get a letter congratulating you for getting through a onehour meeting, the proper response is to be embarrassed. [ laughter ] so [ cheers and applause ] do you see this . I got this letter for not tripping on my way in the room. [ laughter ] so lawmakers are working to get an immigration deal, and they said today they had reached one. And yet trump apparently decided to inject some vulgar racism into the conversation. Just before we started taping tonight, the Washington Post reported that President Trump grew frustrated with lawmakers thursday in the oval office when they floated restoring protections from immigrants from haiti, el salvador, and african countries as part of a bipartisan immigration deal. Trump said, why are we having all these people from [ bleep ]hole countries come here . To be fair, maybe he meant it as a compliment. After all, trump does all his best tweets when hes sitting on the [ bleep ]hole. [ laughter and applause ] so we have a president Whose Administration is under a cloud of scandal and who is so addled he doesnt know at any given time what his own positions are. Basically, the National Mood right now can be summed with up three words. Please kill me. Seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with jake tapper, everybody [ cheers and applause ] announcer for more of seths closer looks be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. 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Relief and remission within reach. The world is not flat. You cant just pinch it or swipe it. Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. Its a like, a dagger . A worm a tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody please give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause ] also, all this week, weve had one of new york citys best drummers sitting in with us who is playing. You can check out on the new selftitled album from needle driver. Allison miller, everybody thanks so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Seth fantastic john cougar mellencamp, work as well. Thank you. Seth that was excellent. Our first guest tonight is cnns chief washington correspondent. He hosts the lead weekday afternoons on cnn, as well as the Network Sunday show, state of the union. Please welcome back to the show, our very good friend, jake tapper, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im good. Id love a band. How come news people dont get bands . Seth you never get a band. No, the music seth you get a better you have a nice opening graphic package, though. I know, but its not i dont have any like that, theyre cool. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] but you had Something Better than a band this week. You had Stephen Miller on your show. [ laughter ] and not the Stephen Miller band. Seth no, thats true. [ laughter ] yeah. Seth yeah. Hes like, attacks like an eagle. [ laughter ] so thank you. So a few of you, yeah. Thats good. Come on. [ cheers and applause ] seth i dont know. It was a group effort. It was a group effort. So Stephen Miller was on your show on sunday, and he came out guns blazing. I want to show for those who missed it, and first of all, i feel bad for anyone who missed it. But lets just show a bit of a super cut of the highlights of your interview with Stephen Miller and then i have some questions. Okay. Why dont you just give me three minutes to tell you the truth about donald trump that i know, and that all of our Campaign Staff know. Because its my show, and i dont want to do that. So [ laughter and applause ] [ talking over each other ] well, this isnt this isnt a courtroom and i have a right to speak. Stephen, stephen, settle down, settle down. Calm down. Jake. I have a question for you about issues. I would be with the president on a Campaign Plane with a rally in 20 minutes, and he would be able youve already made this point, stephen. A selfmade billionaire, revolutionized reality tv, and tapped into something magical thats happening in the heart of this country. The people that you dont the president has an Approval Rating in the 30s. I dont know what magical youre talking about. The people the people theres one viewer that you care about right now, and youre being [ talking over each other ] no, but youre being in order to please him, okay . No. You know you know who i care about . I think ive wasted i think ive wasted enough of my viewers time. Thank you, stephen. You know who i care about . As republican lawmakers [ talking over each other ] [ cheers and applause ] seth so, i had to ask. You you know Stephen Miller. Youve interacted with him before. Were you did that catch you off guard, the tone of that interview . Yeah. Ive known him for a long time. He was a press secretary on capitol hill for quite some time. And i knew that he was sometimes unusual to interact with. Seth mmhmm. [ laughter ] but, no, i was not expecting that. I was not i would not have booked him if i thought that that was what was going to happen. Seth you does it feel at some point, a little bit like a rodeo, and youre just trying to stay on top of the interview with that . It was it was just most of the time, when people come and they want to represent their point of view, and ive interviewed President Trump. Ive interviewed rex tillerson, weve interviewed lots of people. Most of the time when they want to get across their point of view, even if they think youre being unfair, or they dont like the questions, theres an effort made to have a certain behavior like a human being. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] which makes sense, cause human youre a human. Im a human being. Seth humans are watching. Yeah. [ light laughter ] my viewers are 90 human. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] 10 cats. And theres also usually, in politics, an effort to be likeable. Seth mmhmm. To convince people. And i certainly understand the White House Point of view that the media is unfair to them, and doesnt give them their due, and all of that. But, you know, this wasnt it wasnt a conversation where he wasnt allowing me to ask questions, he wasnt answering my questions. He started repeating himself. It was just bizarre. Seth he was complaining that you werent giving him time to talk about issues, and yet every time you tried to seed time, it seemed like he went back to things hed already said. Yeah. Seth do you feel like like the story about the president coming up with riffing off the news. Seth yeah. If you missed it, at 9 01, he told it again at 9 07. [ laughter ] seth you said, had you known it would go like that, you wouldnt have had him on. Yeah. Seth you must have this balance, that im sure people ask you all of the time like, who you allow on your show. And there are people with certain hateful rhetoric who are now in the white house. And so how do you decide, as far as just being a gatekeeper as to guests. You obviously have a lot of trump people on your show. Do you think thats important . Well, hes the president. And the republicans control the house and the senate and the white house. So i think it is very important to ask them questions and to speak truth to power. And also to just get information from them and have them explain what theyre doing. The way it works normally, is you have a sunday show, or even a weekday show, and you ask the white house we would like this guest or we would like that guest. On sunday, its really just a, who are you putting out this sunday . This is how it was during clinton, bush, obama, trump. And they tell you who theyre offering. That sunday, you know, they were offering nikki haley and cia director pompeo, and Stephen Miller. And i wanted nikki haley or cia director pompeo. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] but we got miller. And, look, im happy he was the big news was, the Michael Wolff book seth yep. Which the white house cooperated with, otherwise i dont think it would get a quarter as much attention. The falling out between President Trump and steve bannon. And steve bannon was responsible for getting Stephen Miller on the campaign. They did used to work closely together. And immigration. Those were three big issues, and Stephen Miller, you know, you could talk to all three of them. So we booked him. Seth he called steve bannon grotesque a few times during your interview. And he came back to that point, steve bannon, obviously, has fallen out of favor at the white house. And the knives are out for him, despite the fact that he was a guy who also seemed to have knives out quite a bit. Do you have any empathy for these sort of fallen members of the trump administration, once they sort of fall out and theyre sort of, ravaged by their once colleagues . I wouldnt call it empathy, but, i mean, the truth of the matter is, steve bannon played a huge role in the final months of the Trump Campaign. And in the first, whatever it was, eight months of the Trump Presidency. And to pretend that he didnt was silly. And when President Trump issued the statement and this is really where the conversation with Stephen Miller started to go off the rails. Is when i started to ask about the fact that the president had said bannon didnt play a role. And i said, well, what about all these issues . I was defending steve bannon, which is one of the reasons why his attack on me and cnn subsequent like you know, were liberal media, were biased. I was defending steve bannon. [ laughter ] thats liberal . Seth you lefty. You bleeding heart lefty. [ light laughter ] you did say he was talking to a audience of one, and very quickly after donald trump tweeted sort of, i felt like brought truth to the statement. And said, jake tapper, fake news, just got destroyed in this interview of Stephen Miller of the trump administration. Watch the hatred and unfairness of the cnn flunky im sorry about that. [ laughter ] but then you wrote back i said factotum. Thats a word. [ laughter ] seth you you wrote back with an emoji. Heres the interview. Judge for yourself. So you certainly your feelings werent hurt that much. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more from jake tapper [ cheers and applause ] [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. 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But youve been here a fair amount throughout the Trump Presidency. Were now coming up on a year. Are you its felt longer than a year, but based on where we are now and where we were a year ago, is this what you expected and is there anything that you didnt expect . Every day that has happened in the last year, i didnt expect. [ laughter ] i think i expected in your monologue or a closer look, you talked about 55 minute of minutes of trump negotiating immigration. Seth yeah. However, obviously not wellversed on every issue, but in there and, you know, breathing. Seth yeah. Talking words. Yeah. [ laughter ] i think i expected more of that. Seth uhhuh. And less of the just bedlam and chaos that has really marked the year. Seth the we talked you mentioned the Michael Wolff book and the anger thats coming out of the Trump White House about it. You think to some degree that speaks to the vanity of the Trump White House. Oh, yeah. I mean, i think Michael Wolff very clearly, and i think hes been pretty open about it. Early on, he wrote a vaguely flattering piece about President Trump, more than it being flattering, it had a nice picture. Seth yes. On the cover of the hollywood reporter. Seth it was a nice picture. It was a very nice picture and he apparently really liked it. Seth he likes ones with more pictures. [ laughter ] and then and then he did an early interview with steve bannon that was offensively just handing him the microphone and talking. At a time when i think a lot of people were really worried about steve bannon and what ideas he was going to bring in. But it was all whats called in by business beatsweetening. He was sweetening the beat. He was gaining their trust. And they fell for it. Look, this is a guy who has a reputation for doing this and making a lot of money and being very successful doing it. Flattering his way into a story, doing his particular kind of journalism, and leaving a lot of crying people behind him. Seth you know, bannon gets a lot of credit for being sort of a crazy genius who figured out all these things and yet makes a mistake like this. Is it just more likely that there was not a lot of genius going on . [ laughter ] well, i dont think ive ever called him a creative genius. But i think that i think that, first of all, where look, im not i wasnt there for a lot of or for any of it, really. But i think that certain journalists, when they Say Something is off the record, they really mean it. They think its you know, you can honor it. And certain journalists, it doesnt mean anything to them. And theyre happy to burn sources and run away from the story. I mean, and run away after the story is done, and it seems as though he did that a bunch of times. So, i mean, i dont you know, bannon is not denying that he said these things in the book. And i cant believe he would have said them thinking they were going to be in the book. Seth right. It is pretty crazy. And the interesting thing is, there is a parallel because i feel as though donald trump sort of burned a lot of people on his way to the white house and then, i think you can justify it by saying, i got to the white house. Whereas, Michael Wolff did the same and i think he would justify it by being, im the number one book on amazon. There is a poetic justice to it. Seth yeah. That this is the book so far that defines the Trump Presidency with somebody who has yeah, who has just upended all standards. And yet, we in the media, journalists, are supposed to uphold standards. Seth yeah. Were not supposed to lower them, just according to i mean, you know. If we if i responded to this is the world were in. If i responded to President Trump the way that he writes about journalists, i mean, calling me a flunky or whatever, you would be like, oh, i cant believe jake did that. Seth yeah. You would you would be disappointed. Seth im glad you hold the standard up. You would be like, well, i wish he hadnt done that. I wish you hadnt the president did it the president the president did it you know. But we are expected to uphold these standards. So, i mean, thats why im not, you know, reading the book onair, as gospel. We have to be skeptical about it. Seth the real standard in your family oh, yeah seth no offense to you. Your daughter, last october, got an oped published in the New York Times. Shes ten. Seth shes ten. [ laughter ] but, this is true she got an oped, and its called by the way, she did not hide that she was ten, and the oped title is im ten. [ light laughter ] and i want girls to raise their hand. And this is a true story. [ cheers and applause ] your daughter came up with her own girl scout badge. My kids are amazing. Jack, whos eight and alice who is ten. And alice came home from school and said, the girls dont raise their hands. The boys raise their hands. And she talked about it with my wife, her mom. And she talked about it with her girl scout troop, and they came up with this badge to encourage girls to raise their hands. You have to pledge to do it. And get three other girls to do it. She came up with the badge, and when the badge came out, i was very proud, and i put it out there. It was also right in the middle of the me too movement. And it seemed like its great. Because she wasnt blaming anybody for anything. She was saying, we need to be in charge of this. Seth yep. And then, i tweeted it, and somebody from the New York Times, a nice woman named bari weiss reached out and said, would your daughter want to write an oped for us, and she did it. And honestly, these shes like, oh, thats cool. She doesnt know. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] have you ever been asked to write an oped in the New York Times . Ive had a few in there, but never [ laughter ] its more like ive begged to get them in. Seth yeah. Ive never been solicited. Seth right, right. Actually thats not true. They asked me to write something and then they killed it. Seth really . [ laughter ] yeah. Seth did she ever go over and be like, hey, dad, thats all right. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose . [ laughter ] well, you have an incredible family. Im always happy to see them, as well. And thank you so much for being here. Its always such a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] jake tapper, everybody. The lead airs weekdays at 4pm. State of the union airs sundays at 9 00 a. M. On cnn. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] is not always easy. Its a Long Distance run and you have the determination to keep going. Humira has a proven track record of being prescribed for nearly ten years. Its the number one prescribed biologic by dermatologists. More than 250,000 patients have chosen humira to fight their psoriasis. And theyre not backing down. For most patients clearer skin is the proof. 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Gov [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody before we move on with the show, i wanted to take a moment and wish some of our viewers a happy birthday. These are real birthdays that were sent to us on twitter. But and i am so sorry about this i also need to talk directly to my neighbor, dennis, and get some stuff off my chest. I was going to do so each of them separately, but were running short on time so im going to try to do them together. Please bear with me. Happy birthday to Emily Eisenberg of long island, new york. I hope you have a special day. [ cheers and applause ] dennis, im happy to sign for your packages when youre not around, but what are you ordering, man . [ laughter ] one of the boxes was labeled books but i definitely heard a growl coming from inside. Are you having illegal animals shipped to you again, dennis . Because we cant have another bobcat running loose in the boiler room. Pick up your packages, man happy birthday to jonathan wasserkrug of kansas city, missouri. May all your birthday wishes come true. [ cheers and applause ] dennis, can you please stop having long, loud, phone calls with your doctor in the hallway . No one needs to hear about your familys history of ibs. [ light laughter ] also, i cant believe your doctor doesnt hang up on you, because im pretty sure there isnt a real medical condition where someone has, quote, more erections than there are hours in the day. Take your phone calls inside your apartment, dennis. Happy birthday to c. R. Daven of sydney, australia. We hope you have a fantastic day and an even better year. Dennis i know it was you who clogged the pipes with garbage. You know how i know . Because i heard you bragging about how you dont need to throw away your garbage any more, because you can, quote, just flush it all down the toilet. No, you cant, dennis. And just one question, if youre using your toilet for garbage, where are you going to the bathroom . You know what, i dont want to know. [ light laughter ] happy birthday to rene rapoport of alexandria, virginia. [ cheers and applause ] shine brightly rene, for you are the brightest star in our galaxy. Dennis if youre going to get my wife and me christmas presents, thats great. But please dont get us his and hers matching lacey underwear. [ light laughter ] its inappropriate. That said, my wife looks great in them and ive never felt sexier. [ laughter ] happy birthday to pete gross of new york, new york. [ cheers and applause ] remember to dance like no one is watching and live like there is no tomorrow dennis i have a message for your uncle joe. Joe . Stop trying to be my body guard. I dont need one. Also, im not paying you so technically, what youre doing right now is following me around the city and shoving people who come near me. [ laughter ] thats assault, joe. And finally, happy birthday to dennis uncle joe. [ laughter and applause ] thank you for taking that bullet for me yesterday, buddy. Happy to hear you were upgraded to stable condition. And happy birthday, everyone else well be right back with Matt Ingebretson and jake weismann. [ cheers and applause ] depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms that can make you sad, feel tired, and have difficulty concentrating. Trintellix is a Prescription Medication for depression. It may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. Do not take with maois. Tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications, to avoid a potentially lifethreatening condition. 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You can currently stream the first four episodes on Comedy Centrals website and app. Lets take a look. Do you think were going to get to eat anything today . Dont count on it. Theres a rigid food hierarchy here. Executives get first pick, then junior executives, then us. The junior executives in training. 500 billion corporation and they never have enough bagels for everyone. Why didnt you eat breakfast before work . I didnt have time. I hit the Snooze Button 15 times this morning, which is a new record that im actually kind of proud of. Did you eat anything . No, im trying to watch my figure. I want to have a hot body, because im tired of developing my personality. Yeah, ive been there. [ laughter ] seth please welcome to the show, Matt Ingebretson and jake weismann, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome, gentlemen im so happy to have you here. Congrats on the show. This is a show where you guys work in a soulcrushing corporate environment. Thats right. Seth is that accurate . That is a show is about how everyone hates their jobs, and life is a nightmare. Yeah, you know how like, even you have like, a great life, but youre sad inside . Seth um [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, yeah. That everyday everyday you wake up and feel dread, and confused about why youre doing any of this. And you have the best possible situation, but still, youd rather do anything else. Seth oh, and this is about people with worse situations . Thats right. Yeah. Seth oh, yeah, that sounds terrifying. Thats what the show is about, yeah. Seth so this is you guys, obviously, youre young comedians. You get your own show. And now because youre in a show, now youre actors. Youve gone from comedians to actors. Thats right. Seth has this been a weird transition for you . Has it sunk in yet, that you have your own show . Sort of. I mean, in terms of being actors, we dont consider ourselves actors. We kind of lucked into it. And the way that you do that is you just tell everyone that youre actors. And eventually people are like, theyre actors. Uh, so [ laughter ] and now were saying it on a latenight tv show, so now its official. Seth yeah, this is like a legal document now. Yeah, thats right, yeah. [ light laughter ] seth have you you obviously have a lot of friends who do this kind of thing as well, or are in comedy. Have you gotten feedback from friends and family on your show yet . Yeah, one of the earliest pieces of feedback we got was we showed the pilot to a friend of ours who had a terrible corporate job, and she watched it. And then shortly after that, she went and did ayahuasca, which is an intense hallucinogen that involves a shaman. And while on ayahuasca she hallucinated about our show. And then when she got back, she quit her job. Seth oh, wow. [ laughter ] yeah, so what were trying to do is get people to do drugs, mistake it for a spiritual awakening, and quit their jobs. Seth oh, wow. [ laughter ] thats going to lead to a lot of job openings for nondrug addicts, yeah. [ laughter ] you i imagine doing a show about the corporate world, there is some fun in corporate language, corporate speak. Is that something that you guys use . Yeah, i mean, youve got to ping me. Yeah. Seth oh, ping. And so thats a thing that people see, again, cause i dont i mean, again, i wear a suit and a tie, but were not a real corporate environment. Nobody gets pinged. Yeah, my biggest nightmare in any office situation is being asked what im doing this weekend. Or, i find myself asking people what theyre doing this weekend, and im never cared about the answer at all. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] its like a weird thing. Like if i ask that question, i immediately shut off, and thats when i rest. Seth oh, i see. [ laughter ] like ask if you ask me that question, watch what happens. Seth hey, so what are you doing this weekend . I dont [ laughter ] yeah, i dont know. And you dont care, so. Seth yeah, yeah, yeah. And youve had, obviously, non you guys have not worked in the corporate world so much. Which one of you worked for a chandelier i did. I worked for a chandelier seth not a chandelier, a chandelier company. I worked for a chandelier. Mr. Chandelier. [ laughter ] easy job. I worked for a chandelier store, which was a nightmare. But i did learn what a sconce was. Seth oh, thats nice. I dont know if everyone knows what a sconce is. I know that youre rich enough to know what it is. Seth we just got our first sconce wow, congratulations. Give it up. [ laughter ] seth just one. Usually you get them in pairs, but were, you know, were moving a little slow. [ light laughter ] yeah, well, congrats on knowing what a sconce is. Yeah, chandelier store is a different kind of nightmare, because only rich people can afford chandeliers, so rich people would come in all of the time and spend lots of money and feel nothing. And so i could see even bestcase scenario, im not going to feel that good. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] right, youre never there when someones buying their first chandelier. No. No, no. Seth and then you what were your previous i worked i did work in some corporate jobs. I worked for a Major Entertainment company once. That was a terrible job. Seth that is sounds like a lie. Yeah. Seth just the way you said that. [ laughter ] i worked for a Major Entertainment company. Its seth. [ light laughter ] seth but i get that you cant say it. So anyway i was my boss only employee, and so she micromanaged me with such intensity that it felt like she was performing psychological experiments on me. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] she would do this thing where if i made a mistake, like if i used the wrong font in a presentation or something, she would call me into her office and ask me, why did you use the wrong font. Which is a really hard question to answer. [ laughter ] and i eventually just told her, to hurt you. [ laughter ] i wanted to cause you pain. Thats why i chose the wrong font. Seth you used a font as a weapon. Thats exactly right, yeah. Seth well congratulations, guys. Its really exciting that your show is finally out. And i cant wait to watch more of it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, seth. [ cheers and applause ] seth give it up for Matt Ingebretson and jake weismann everybody corporate premieres january 17th on Comedy Central. Well be right back. Thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] heres to first dates you look amazing. And you look amazingly comfortable. When your vneck looks more like a uneck. , thats when you know, its halfwashed, add downy to keep your collars from stretching, unlike detergent alone, downy conditions to smooth and strengthen fibers. So next time dont halfwash it. Downy and its done. Proud partner of the olympic winter games. ,000 deaths in america last year. We need to stand up and say enough. The only way this problem is going to be solved is if we raise our voices. Choose help over helplessness, hope over hopelessness. Make sure that the lives weve lost will not have been lost in vain. Addiction is a disease. When you ask for help, help is there for you. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to jake tapper, Matt Ingebretson, and jake weismann, everybody allison miller, and of course the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] carson hello guys and gals, its carson daly here with tonights last call from the federal bar, lets get right into it. In our spotlight tonight we have got devo front man turned film