That did something heroic. Who else has story pitches . I have onewe can discuss the ramifications of the United States conducting bombing raids on libya. Carvell, can you spin me . Despite Congress Never having officially declared war. Muah aw thats nice. Do you know what dr. Maria from the radio always says . Kissing helps you live longer. It does . Ill do that and stop taking this stupid heart medicine. Im sorry, carvell, having you here is a bit distracting. Oh, my bad, guys. Have a great meeting. And please leave portia. Sorry about that. Carvell and i dont get to spend that much time together because of football, but now i have him all to myself. I think its gonna be really good for our relationship. Oh. How did you two meet . Just so you know, im only asking so i can tell you how dave and i met. Well, i was a sideline reporter. And one game, joe namath painted a microphone on his crotch and tried to get me to interview him with it. But carvell defended my honor and stuffed joe namath in a trash can. It was really romantic. Oh, great. My story. My first day at the law firm. I walk into the mens room nude on a dare from jan. Now, back story on jan can we please, please continue with the meeting . Stop the meeting i hold in my hand an extra ticket to the david blaine show tonight. Yes, it is inspired by the matrix. Now, to decide who gets to go with me, a magic trivia contest Penn Jillette sealed himself in the trunk of what car for a Celebrity Apprentice sponsorship presentation . Anybody i really dont wanna go, but it was a buick verano. Shh [upbeat news broadcast music] sorry i havent called until now. I was actually in venezuela covering the riots. Its okay. Ive been pretty busy at the office too. Oh, yeah . Whatre you working on . Why be ashamed to tell you when i could be ashamed to show you . And the crash survivors lived off that italian sub for ten days. Thats why hes our hero of the week. Woof yep. Well, weve all had our share of fluff pieces. I just wish i could do something exciting for once. You know, im going on a stakeout tonight. Why dont you come with . A stakeout . Yeah. I got a hot tip that this congressman is being blackmailed over some photos he doesnt want to get out. Nobody knows what they have on em. Ooh. Just kiddin. Its sex stuff. Its always sex stuff. Wow. So youre gonna get some hot snaps of the loot drop . Those arent terms, but yeah. Oh, i would love to, but i cant. I made plans with my mom to watch goose, the sexy mother goose adaptation on the cw set in present day miami. So cancel on her. Shed go insane if she found out i was on a stakeout. She hates danger. Look, i get it. If youre scared no im not scared. Honestly, goose is probably scarier than your thing. Last week, the serial killer, itsy bitsy, almost killed detective muffet with his hot crossbow. Wait. This show might be bad. You know what . Ill be there. All right. [light music] [thud] hey that football was signed by dan marino to my exwife for all the crazy nights. Sorry, man. This guy was just callin my name. Well, technically, this is a she. Hey, arent you portias fiance, the football star . Well, i dont know how much of a star i am anymore. I spent the last 12 years in the league. A lotta my bones are inside out. Well, i know a Little Something about that. Im actually an elder statesman in my field as well. Ah. So you get it hey, you ever feel like everybodys just waitin on you to hang it up . Totally this industry has been trying to send me out on an ice floe for years. But guess whati survived being on an ice floe for two weeks when i tried to make my own march of the penguins. You know what . Im not ready to retire either. I dont care what my neurologist sayssayssayssays. Thats the spirit hey, pass that thing over here aah sorry. I played defense in high school. Muscle memory. Man, im not allowed to talk to any of my teammates during my suspension, so its kinda nice to have a guy i can throw the ball with. Oh. [small laugh] say, you wouldnt be interested in going to a matrixthemed magic show featuring none of the original cast, would ya . [light music] hey, mom, i cant watch goose tonight. I dont really feel well. I think i ate something weird. Really . Yeah. Thats not like you. All the boys used to call you the iron stomach and pay good money to watch you eat. Well, i hope you feel better. We can watch it tomorrow night. [light music] 911, its carol. My daughter just lied to me, which means she is in grave danger. Would you connect me, please, to liam neesons line . Carvell, im home oh, nice nice, man. Good move. Good job, good job. Carvell . What makes you jump up like that . Which one am i . Oh, i got it whats chuck doing here . We had so much fun at david blaine, we decided to keep hanging out here. We drank all the beers. We prank called chucks urologist. [laughs] and we went for a swim. We made a pool show. Carvell chose all the music, and i designed the moves. Then chuck swam through my legs. And then i pop up, and he throws me, and i do a special spin. Okay, so you guys are like friends now . Big time its not easy to make friends if youre a famous adult male. And carvell and i have like a ton in common. Were both really into compilations of sexy commercials that they cant show in the United States ha ha yes hey, babe, can he sleep over . Please, mrs. Carvell . Hey, greg, would you mind driving me home . Its gotten dark, and i have trouble driving at night. I once thought a stop sign was a logo for a new target in my town. I got so excited i sped up and tboned an ambulance. Sure, carol, its fine. Dont worry. Im not up to something. Im so sorry. What were you saying . [ominous chords] i cant believe im on a real stakeout. A congressman getting blackmailed i feel like im on house of cards. [southern accent] freddy, you have outdone yourself with these ribs. Oh, you know what . Theres some bottles of gatorade down there if you need something to drink. And then pee in. And then accidentally almost drink. [both laughing] and then five times drink. Where are we . This isnt where you live. Greg, i have a confession to make. When we were speaking earlier, my fingers were crossed. Not again. Im worried about katie. She lied to me, and i think shes in trouble. I needed somebody brave and strong to help me spy on her, but im not allowed within 50 yards of scott bakula, so i brought you. Were leaving. Youre not going without these keys. [keys clattering] aah were still not leaving. The all new 2018 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Hurry in get thousands of styles from just five dollars right now at old navy. Name youin your heade me can you see my skin, my age, my beliefs . Address you imagine this place does where im from change how you see me . When you get to my experience, will you see how qualified i am . My skills . Dont imagine what i might be, see what i can do. Search for greatness. Search indeed. The worlds number 1 job site. With flavors youll love. Re like new savory grilled mediterranean shrimp. And new sweet and spicy Nashville Hot shrimp. Plus our classics like garlic shrimp scampi. Try as much as you want however you want em, but dont wait, it ends soon. We figure outop pouting. Whats going on in that car. If youre bored, listen to dr. Maria. She gives love advice on her show, and it can get pretty steamy. And after my third hysterectomy, the dryness. Okay, i hate this. Please, can we leave . Katies obviously on a date. She didnt want to tell you because she thought youd go insane. Which you did. Oh, god, a date . I thought she was with a cartel guy using her as a drug mule. But a date is so much worse what are you talking about . What kind of a garbage man would take a girl on a date in the Warehouse District . At least when she was dating that actual garbage man, he took her for a moonlit carriage ride in the dump. This is all your fault. If you had just made a move. Katie obviously liked y im sorry, katie obviously liked. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Im just a tired old woman. Forget everything i said. I mean, i havent said anything. I still havent. I still havent. Katie loves you. Aah [muffled] i mean she likes you a lot. Damn it i thought my hands were stronger than this hey, when do blackmail exchanges tend to go down . [yawns] its probably gonna be pretty soon, huh, on a weeknight . No, no, dude. You cant yawn, all right . Ahh its contagious. Ah okay. Snap out of it, jeremy. Its only night one. You have not earned your lindor truffles yet. Waitnight one . You dont even know what night this is going down . Take it easy, cable news, all right . Its okay if you cant hang. Go home and get some sleep. Ill probably be out here again tomorrow. You can come stick it out with me then. Im not too tired. Im fine, thank you. I actually have an idea. What if we rode that turtle to grandmas and she took us to karen . You know what, youre right. Im gonna go. Good idea. You think katies interested in me. How do you know that . Because i have eyes, greg. You two could have had a good thing if you hadnt blown it with your stupid british [british accent] i have feelings for you, katie, but from afar. What, what . I seem to have misplaced my hat oh, great, this jamoke wont even give her a ride home. Lets go. So when i say go, ill jump in swan position. You catch me, throw me back in the air, triple flips, splashless dive, dirty dancing lift. Got it . Okay, ready . Go hey, guys youre supposed to catch me chuck, can i talk to you for a second . Sure. Oh. Whew. Whats up, portia . Maybe. You should spend tonight in your own house. Please . Ill let you say, howdy, neighbors at the top of the show. I dont really like cowboy stuff anymore. Okay, well, this is my house, and if youre here tonight, then im zapping you with my new line of tasers. Bye, babe whats up with your bitch . Im sorry, that was rude. Whats up with your bitch wife . Uh, were actually not married. Weve just been engaged for five years. Five years . Thats how long it took me to get engaged, married, divorced, and acquitted of her attempted vehicular manslaughter. Honestly. I dont even see us getting married anytime soon. You know what its like when youre with somebody for a long time . You get comfortable, you lose the spark. Anyway, ima go work on my handstands. So carvells losing interest in portia. Obviously, shes underperforming in the boudoir. Portia, theres something you need to see. I told you, chuck, the muppets are not funny to me. Just listen. In the early 90s, i produced a series of marital therapy videotapes. You what . I never mention it because i dont like to brag, and legally, im not supposed to, due to complains by a certain costar who didnt know we were releasing them. But i think these might be the answer to your relationship problems with carvell. [rippling harp chords] [inhales] hi. Im chuck pierce. You know me as a trusted newsman, but what you may not know about me is that i love sex. Especially in the confines of marriage. [sighs] oh, no. Kathy ireland once told me i was the worlds greatest kisser. And now, im gonna pass that technique on to you. Step oneyoure gonna want a wet mouth. Try thinking about steak. Lets bring the camera in too close to see how i do it. This is the most disgusting thing ive ever seen. Turn it off. No, you need to watch. Carvell said the spark was gone. That means he has lost interest in you. Eyes on the screen a man needs encouragement. Try helpful phrases like, its okay if you wanna take a nap and start up again later. Turn this off carvells not the one not interested in me. Im the one who doesnt wanna marry him. What . Ive never admitted that before, but. Its true. The passion is gone. We only have sex, like. Three times a day. Thats celebrity bed death no wonder you didnt want me at your house. You were jealous of the masculine chemistry that carvell and i shared. No. I just didnt like you being there. After you come over, its like a chuck house, you know . God. I think i have to end it. [sighs] its the same as having wings. To the stars beyond the blue. Theres a never land waiting for you. When you leave the world behind, you can fly. You can fly. You can fly. [knocking] yes. I did a little hi. You wanted to seresearch after our stakeout. I had a contact at the dmv run the plates of the guy that katie was with last night. Turns out, hes a New York Times reporter. Ha shes dating a guy that works at the times . Oh, i love that paper nice and thick for killing silverfish. No. Dont you see what this means . They were probably working on a story together. So it wasnt a date. Shes available. To be punished. For freelancing for another news organization. Well, she did cancel watching goose with me again tonight. Maybe theyre going back out there. Well, then, you know what . We have to follow them again. No. Now that we know shes not in trouble, thats an invasion of privacy it would be an invasion of privacy if it were a date, but its not. Its workrelated. Ohh. I guess carol, i know youre just an intern, but this is basic work stuff. 401k, computer, outofoffice reply, secret night watching. Believe me, it is all. Very. Work. Okay. Hey, carvell, you ready to rehearse . Im having a rough day, man. I hope my mood doesnt affect my moves. Mmhmm. Okay. Uhhuh, yeah. All right. Oh. Okay. That. Was terrible. Whats wrong . Portia broke up with me. Wha who couldve known earlier . Well, honestly, though, she was pretty annoying. And now you and i can spend as much time together as we want. Yeah, but. Im devastated. Ill help ya get over it. We will swim it out boy, i wish i had had a best friend when i was going through my divorce. Well, i had todd. Of course, that was only for a few minutes until he turned out to be a process server. I just wish there was some way to fix it. Yeah. Like if there was some type of love guide. Did you say love guide . Okay, i know i wussed out on the stakeout last night, but tonight, i mean business. I brought rations and surveillance equipment. Okay. I see a cutup banana and what appears to be a pirates of the caribbean sky glass. Yeah, no offense, but these are the supplies of a gradea wuss. Im the wuss . Look whos talking, mr. Ooh, my lindor truffles, my sweet treat i was bleeding out in afghanistan. The bullet wound was the exact size of a lindor truffle, and i swore to myself right there and then that if i ever made it out of there alive hey, we get it. Youre really brave. All right, i can see them in the car. Welcome back, listeners. Now, we settle in. Sure you dont want a bite . Eatings the only way to get rid of the smell. [phone rings] oh, god, its cat. Hello, love. Sorry, im. Im stuck late at work. Tonight. Yeah, we, um, we lost the bag that we keep all the news in. So. Hopefully that turns up. See you at home. Bye. And moving on to our next caller. Whats troubling you . My problem is i think my boss is in love with my daughter. He was pretending to spy on her for professional reasons, but then he just lied to his girlfriend about where he was carol oh, oh, oh you see that . Oh, whoa its like a million diamonds ah. Okay. Its a kaleidoscope. No, its happening. The congressmans security detail should be here any minute. We just need some pictures of them making the pickup. But youre gonna get pictures of whats in the bag, right . I dont think thats a good idea. Thats the real story we have to get pictures of whats in the bag to see what hes being blackmailed for. But theyre gonna be here any minute. Do you know who politicians hire for security in the state of new jersey . People who would have been in the mafia, but they didnt get good enough grades. Oh, are you scared . cause thats okay, if youre a wuss. When i let slip that katie liked you, all the feelings you didnt even know you had bubbled up, and why wouldnt they, greg . Shes smart, shes 3 4 me. She has nanas yabbos. Carol, i promise you, i do not have feelings for your daughter. Wait. Where are they going . It looks like theyre taking pictures of a duffle bag. Jeez this is the worst date ive ever seen. Dont you see, carol . Theyre clearly taking pictures for a story. So i was right. Its not a date. [ominous music] oh, god, theyre gonna get caught. Katies in trouble. Oh, please, lord, dont kill katie. Take dave instead. Hes been calling you a weenie and saying you wouldnt do it. [suspenseful music] hey sandwich attack twas a prank. Uhh [gasps] hi, im mindy kearns. Its great nice to meet you too. Your parents have been talking about you for years. Sorry about that. Theyre all about me saving for a house, or starting a college fund for my son. Actually, i want to know what youre thinking. Have a seat. Knowing that the most important goals are yours. Multiplied by 14,000 financial advisors, its a big deal. And its how edward jones makes sense of investing. I look back on my life and i know what it was for. What if i struggled. What if i sacrificed. And what if i swore id succeed. So you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted. Well then, my great granddaughter. It would all be worth it. For every social occasion. So the the broom said, sorry im late. I overswept. [ laughter ] yes, even the awkward among us deserve some laughter. And while its okay to nibble in public, a lady only dines in private. Try the name your price tool from progressive. It gives you options based on your budget. Uhoh. Discussing finances is a big nono. What, im helping her save money shh men are talking. Thats it, im out. Taking the meatballs. Thats it, im out. Eve i drop what i do me you are my best friend and weve got some things to do do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna yeaheaeaeah we didi got so many hot shots you got itof the loot drop those are terms, by the way. Im so sorry i lied to you. The coast is clear. You scared them off. Ohh. Dont look, greg. Ill tell you when its over. Still going. Still going. Oh, youre gonna hate what hes doing to her now, greg. Carol, promise me youll never tell anyone about this night. I promise. No crossies. Well, my toes are crossed, but thats a genetic mutation because my grandmothers my grandfathers son. [light music] feels like yesterday that i met carvell. Its hard to believe it was. The day before yesterday. [knock on door] hey, man, im going to cvswanna come . Carvell, i would love that, but i care about you too much to not do whats best for you. You know i dont watch vhs tapes since the ring. I still get the willies every time i see a japanese girl crawl out of a well. Oh trust me, this ones not gonna be scary. [lilting harp chords] a womans body the nape of the neck, the trace of the collar bone, the boobus. Hey, mom, can i talk to you for a second . I have to come clean. Ive been lying to you. I got this chance to go after a huge story with this New York Times reporter, but i didnt want you to worry, and now i think i might like this guy. But i just wanna thank you for respecting my privacy. Oh, i owe you an apology too. Im sorry i raised you to think lying was okay. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, what happened on goose this week . You watched last night, right . Hmm. Nothing. They just. Kinda sat around. Huh. [laughing] oh. Okay. Boy, ill sleep well tonight. Thanks for sparring with me, [bleep]. And people can see you starring in your new comedy reba this fall. Is that correct . That is the most disgusting thing ive ever seen. Thats funnythats exactly what portia said wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You showed this to portia . Yeah. Right before she broke up with you. Why do you ask . Aah im gonna kill you no no im gonna take out the trash no, my skeleton [thud] carvell what are you doing . Im sorry. Its just chuck showed me the tapes he showed you, and i lost it. You joe namathed his ass. Most of the time, carvell and i try to avoid gender stereotypes in our relationship, but i also love when big muscle men hurt other men for me. [light music] i miss you, portia. I miss you too. Maybe we arent so different from who we once were. Sure, you were a second stringer, and my name was tabby fudge, but maybe. The spark is still there. Love is so romantic when both people are hot. [pounding] may i come out now . Ooh [groaning, grunting] hey [lisping] the tapeth worked hey, greg . Oh, my gosh, what happened to your face . Oh. I ran into a deer last night. But i saw your car in the lotit looked fine. Right. I ran into it. Jogging. Listen, i hate to say this, but i cant do that hero sandwich segment. There just havent been any sandwiches involved in an act of bravery this week. Youre right, katie. Thats fine. Okay. Thanks. But there was a hero sandwich. There was. I know, carol. [gasps] ha there wasnt a check in the package for you. Maybe she took it. She would never do that. She is either messing with me or shes incompetent. Im gonna really hate to think that you would mess with any of my friends here just to make yourself look better. So what happens if i dont pay rent this month . You can stay as long as you want. Youre a good friend. Dad, whats going on . Ive been imposing on you for way too long. Ive got three grt job leads. Im on the move to the next chapter of life of ramon dawsona. Mm. Well, the jobs going great, you know. Theyre not the most friendly bunch, but, uh, theyre warming up to your pops, huh. Thats good. Theyre a little outdated in terms of the way that they use their workforce. Long story short, im requesting a meeting with jake, okay