News daddy says were gonna die dont worry, everyone. I have a gun. [all clamoring] oh, god someone stole my gun. [speaking foreign language] everyone remain calm read my mug no, im the leader now this is waynes world okay, i hear it. I know i had the gun in the bathroom [all shouting] wait, hold on, everybody. Everybody, shut up shut up wait, they didnt . Youre sure . Mom, where did you see that story . I didnt have my cheaters on. Maybe i made a mistake. Aha. Attention, china did not launch a missile. It was blac chyna, and she launched a lip gloss line. Oh, my god, thats so much worse ugh congratulations, everyone. We just made fake news. [upbeat news broadcast music] oh, hey. Hey. So the other day was pretty crazy, wasnt it . You mean when we almost kissed . No, i meant when your mother pulled a war of the worlds. Oh, yeah. Should we talk about that . Maybe we should, cause we wouldnt want things to get awkward, cause then the words that we talk wouldnt work anymore, for working. I completely respond. Darlene, im sorry i didnt mean it i thought the world was ending shes such a bitch. Thanks, vladislav. I dont know why someone would throw out their underwear in there. Before we begin, i have some news. Since our big hacking expose [applause] relax, relax. Weve done several bad shows since then. We have. Since the story forced a number of executives to step down, the board is installing a new network president. Which means we will be getting a new boss. So if i need next week off to attend a poorly organized music festival, would i ask him or you . Ideally, neither. Oh, thats not an option. Im the one organizing the festival. Well, i, for one, cant wait to meet the new boss. Maybe he can finally get this place back on track. A return to hard news [dramatically] me talking like this. And sometimes. [soothingly] like this. I dont think thats what people want. Uh, excuse me . The landscape of cable news has changed. No one just sits at a desk and says the news anymore. And do you want to give me one reason why i should listen to your opinions about the news, vladislav . Because i am not vladislav. Im diana st. Tropez. [all gasping] and im your new boss. Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] tmobiles unlimited now includes netflix on us. Thats right, netflix on us. Get four unlimited lines for just forty bucks each. Taxes and fees included. And now, netflix included. So go ahead, binge on us. Another reason why tmobile is americas best unlimited network. Hi [giggle] okay. Okay the lg sidekick washer. For small loads that cant wait. You know what . Lets not do that again. [ uplets go. C playing ] [ door slams closed ] [ music stops ] bye, mom. Thanks for breakfast, mom. [ music resumes ] with Quality Ingredients like roasted hazelnuts and cocoa, nutella is sure to bring a smile to breakfast time. It all started when sophia stopped into marshalls and found a mug for surprisingly little green. She paired that with some succulents. And suddenly something clicked. That surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama. Or is that an alpaca . Super soft towels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. She arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. Did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . No. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. But great things happen when you choose surprise. The all new 2018 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. She wrote thatopez female empowerment book boardroom bitch. Shes like my idol. Youre the new president of mmn . Im sorry i undercover bossed you, but i had to become vladislav to really get an unbiased sense of this place and the way it runs. But vladislav and i showered together. For those of you who dont know me, my name is diana st. Tropez. I am the only female fortune 500 ceo from a nonshapewarerelated company. I sleep two hours a night. Im never not doing kegels. And my forte is rebranding struggling companies. And now i, diana st. Tropez, am here to bring the breakdown into the 21st century. Well, i think the breakdown is just fine the way it is. Were the number one show in hospitals and on sinking riverboat casinos. You have an opportunity here. With america on the verge of eating itself alive, people are finally watching cable news again. Even i started watching the news. And you know i only like mystery shows with a Strong Female lead. [all murmur] thats true. You are all capable of more than you think you are. And with my help, we are gonna take the breakdown to number one. Yes ive never been number one at anything. Welcome, diana. We are very glad youre here. [applause] yes this is the best wonderful oh, i cant believe dianas our boss. Her life is everything that i want. Shes a worldrenowned journalist with four blueeyed daughters named carol . No. Thats what you want for me. I think i met diana at an illuminati meeting. I mean. Burger king. I just want to make a good impression. Ive read all of her books. Oh, thats like me and shakespeare. Have you read Rick Shakespeare . He writes nasty, funny erotica. Shes so smart. Listen to this. Women need to listen like a man. Dont nod or give encouragement, and when you do speak, never turn a statement into a question. Im pretty sure i dont do that . Damn it . Well, i dont like her. What . Why . She seems shrill and annoying shrill and annoying . Mom, you know why you think that . Internalized sexism. Older women cant stand seeing a strong woman succeed. Its why hillary lost the election. No, hillary lost the election because she sent an email to her server at benihana. Well, i dont care if you dont like her, mom, because im gonna be her protege . Im gonna be her protege. [softly] yeah. Well, theres obviously something wrong here. Portia, im gonna go fire the deskmeasuring guy. No, no, no, no. This is part of dianas revamp of the show. Two anchors sitting at a desk, reading from a teleprompter isnt what people want anymore. They want one older anchor reading alone from a teleprompter . No. They want to see someone they agree with argue with someone they dont, because spirited discourse can lead to real solutions. [laughs loudly] im kidding, its just gonna be a bunch of lunatics screaming at each other. Im really good at getting people riled up. One time, i saw Serena Williams at a party, and i was like, hey, venus, how are you . This is balderdash. News is not the place for screaming opinions. The place for that is my mothers grave. Fine, chuck. We dont need to greg, is it weird that we have all these little tiny chairs and just that one big red chair . Should we lose it . I mean, unless you had someone really powerful and commanding sitting there. I could sit there. Perfect. Did you just use reverse psychology on him . No, you did. [spoon clinking] wow. [knocking on door] ms. St. Tropez . Are you my new personal trainer . You better be mean and gay. Theyre the only ones i respect. Oh, ino, im katie. Im a huge fan. I was just hoping to pick your brain . Im running a multibillion dollar empire. I only have five minutes of free time scheduled every day, and ive already used it to write this poem. Oh, my god. Yeah. So please, make it quick. I just ive always wanted a mentor. You know . Diana . Oh, i get it. You are listening like a man. Its fine. I dont need encouragement. Anyway, i just feel like im working so hard to be taken seriously, and im not getting anywhere. Was that a dumb thing to say . Im sorry. Are you mad at me . Im just really nervous cause, once, i had a dream that you were holding me and telling me i was good enough and we were in a lake, topless. Should i not have told you that . Are you mad at me . Will you mentor me . Am i dead . Are you done . Unfortunately, i dont have time to take on a protege. But heres some advice. Stop doubting yourself. Focus on your work, and freeze your eggs. Worrying about your personal life is a distraction. Take marriage and kids off the table, and you can stay laserfocused on your career. 30 is for working, 50 is for having kids, and 140 is for dying. Goodbye. Oh, thank you so much for that advice. This is really a dream come [door slams] so do you want to talk about what happened the other day . What other day . You know when we our mouths didnt oh, i have been so caught up with diana being here and work yeah. No, no, me too. I just wanted to make sure that youre okay. You know . Because im in a relationship. Oh, i know, i know. With kat, who is a person. Shes in heat right now. Theyre doing a broadway remake of the movie. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the breakdown. Im chuck pierce. And im portia scottgriffith. And on our panel today, we have obama denier and author of the book well, i never met him, alan jarvis. Transracial fracking misunderstander sally rosenberg, wiccan priestess and director of the documentary i hate the troops, imani fokolo, ken simpson, a kentucky dog groomer who used a religious liberty law to refuse service to a gay dog. And rex, a gay dog. [barks] welcome to the program. Now, i want to begin with a topic i think we can all agree on racism. Racism doesnt exist. We had a black president. We did . Who . Well, i think i feel like i speak for all africanamerican women when i say we need to sacrifice more goats. You dont speak for this africanamerican woman. But i think now, rex, i have to imagine you have something to say about animal sacrifice as a homosexual dog who also served in the military. What . Shocking. [barks] all right, but what about what about oh, im sorry, sir. Im a woman. Well, youre gonna have to prove that i will ill show you [all clamoring] well, good luck ive never seen a naked woman before i dont even know what one looks like you felt a little female to me. Is chuck okay . He looks like hes gonna throw up. Who cares . This is great television. Come on, chuck. Get in the game. Say something. Now. One, two, three, now one, twonow say it no just say something, you stupid bastard show me the facts on that the shows over, chuck. You did really bad. We used to resort to some pretty creative hacks to take care. Of our jeans. It got weird. Ahhh im just airing them out luckily we discovered tide pods plus downy. So our jeans stay in great shape. And they actually get clean. What . We can wash em. Tide pods plus downy. Super concentrated to clean, condition and keep your favorites looking great. Its got to be tide. [narmain street is back small bufor season two. On this is one of our newer retail shops. [narrator] Amanda Brinkman and her experts at deluxe have landed in bristol borough, pennsylvania. And they brought along entrepreneur Robert Herjavec and a whole cast of experts to help the towns Small Businesses thrive. Any kind of change thats worth its scary. [narrator] every episode, well be working with a new small business. You really build us up. [narrator] and together, we can start a revolution. Now streaming on hulu and smallbusinessrevolution. Org. Ms. St. Tropez, could i have of course, come in. R time . Gerald, could we get a rush installation on that electrified doorknob . Hi, im carol. Im an intern here, and i was wondering if i could interview you for our newsletter, specifically carols corner, my awardwanting column. Well, normally i would say no, but ive been involved in enough age discrimination lawsuits to know entrapment when i see it. Oh. Why dont we begin . First question. In your book everything your mother told you was a lie, you seem like a real bword, so tell me, how dare you . Okay, i get it. Youre a mom, and you dont like the book. But guess what. Im a mom too. You are . Well, i didnt know that. Show me some pictures. Oh, they are so sweet. Which one is yours . All of them. Different donor fathers, all carried by surrogates and born on International Flights so that theyre citizens of the sky. Its advantageous for tax reasons. That seems like a nontraditional thing to do. Well, thats the point. To answer your question, i wrote that book to show women that they dont have to compromise the way that their mothers did. They dont have to get married and have kids in their 30s or live next to carol or have grandchildren who make cookies with carol or love carol interview over oh, hey, diana. I wanted to thank you for that advice about freezing my eggs. I actually saw a fertility doctor this morning. Really . Mmhmm. Turns out its pretty expensive, but i found a guy who does a payment plan named dr. Pizzazz. Is that who you used . No, my doctor was a uterine drone. So now that ive followed your advice at great no, i still cant take you on as a protege. By the way, how long have you been waiting to run into me in the elevator . I havent been. [laughs] im sorry im late. I wouldve been here sooner, but my time is more important than yours. Ive got the ratings from last night. Congratulations, an alltime high for the breakdown. How . It was just yelling. Precisely. That is the mood of the nation. Well, i think i speak for both of us when i say portia and i are never doing the panel again. Were a package deal. Were a team, like starsky and hutch, but im both of them and the car. Shes all the girl characters. No, ill do the panel again. It was fun. Dude, what the hell . Good. Well, maybe tonight, then, portia will sit in the big red chair, and, chuck, you can just sit this one out. What are these . Headshots of young anchormen looking for their big break. Fine ill do it. Great. Chuck, the world has changed. The show is finally catching up. Its a good thing. No, i agree. It is good. Change is good. And you gotta change with the times, or youre just irrelevant. Its good that nobody reads books and Old Buildings are just knocked down and become new buildings. And its good that the ice caps are melting and all the fish are dying because thats gonna make way for a new, better type of sea creature that probably has gills but can walk on the ground, its got feet, and it can come and find me, and im not scared. Im not scared im happy ha that things change okay, great. Everyone have a good show. Shut up there was no 44th president remember . Everyone just chilled for eight years. Okay, pause. Right there. So if that guy says Something Like that today, instead of just sitting there, ill say, that is unsubstantiated nonsense oh, and by the way. Uh, nice yellow tie wheres Curious George . [laughter] wheres Curious George . Thats good. Hey, chuck is losing it. I saw him trying to prewrite lines for tonights show. So . You know what diana says in her book if hes male, let him fail. Usually when i see a white man struggling, it makes me feel hopeful, like that time i saw Mitch Mcconnell eating a sub and the meatball fell onto his crotch. So whats the problem . I think im feeling, like, sorry for chuck. Whats happening to me . [emotionally] maybe youre changing. Maybe you dont want to see chuck struggle because you guys are friends now. [normal voice] im sorry. Im freezing my eggs, and i think the hormones are making me crazy. I mean, chuck and i are closer than we used to be, but we are not friends. So what are you gonna do . Im gonna let him fail. Haha yeah, girl. Where have you been all morning . I called you, i called your landlord, and then i looked in your purse, and i found my answer. Oh, no. Youve been trippin on smack and goofballs those arent drugs, mom. Theyre hormones. Im freezing my eggs. Youre freezing my grandbabies . Thats even worse did diana make you do this . She suggested it, but dont you want me to have kids . Yeah, when im still alive to meet them, not when im dead and stuffed and sitting in the corner of your living room how about this . Ill take life advice from you when youre the president of a multibilliondollar media empire. Fine, ill just mind my own business. You stay away from my katie yah watch this watch this watch this watch this oh, iright, rightt is. The band its on the ice. His and it starts with a c. Cat, cat. Its cricket. No, not cricket. Its curling. How did you know . She has her phone right here. laughing why you cheating, baby . laughing we apologize for the delay. The show will begin shortly. Steal the spotlight in the new stevie. Right now, get up to 50 off all pants and jeans at old navy. Thover at olive garden starting at 9. 99. L is come in for over 100 combinations of pastas, sauces and toppings. Even grilled chicken alfredo. Plus all the garden fresh salad and breadsticks you want. The best things in life should be never ending. Never ending pasta bowl starting at 9. 99. Only for a limited time, at olive garden. Give everyone something theyll love order olive garden catering. Directv has been rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like banging their head on a low ceiling. Drinking spoiled milk. Camping in poison ivy. Getting a papercut. And having their arm trapped in a vending machine. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable switch to directv. Call 1800directv. Have y oh, i just want katie yourto do things the right way. I want her to get married. I want her to have unfrozen kids. What do you mean, the right way . You dont want your daughter freezing her eggs, but if she had a baby now, shed have to take time off from her job. Fat chance shes worked so hard to be where she is. Well, i suppose if she got married, her husband could stay home. Yeah, right. The only deadbeat living off of katie is me. Oh, so a nanny then. No, i dont want my grandchildren learning a foreign language; ill raise them. But you also have a job. Dont you work here . Well, yeah, but well, i could quit. But what about my dreams . Be careful. Im one of the only women in the world whos figured out how to have it all without going insane. Maybe if childcare was but moms have so much guilt. Night nurse. Mommy blogs. If a man stayed home once in a while and washed the dishes pump n dump, pump n dump easy onepot meals how do we have it all . Wonder woman was pregnant during reshoots whats this supposed to prove . A picture of the ocean and a pair of floating sunglasses . Hey, nice tie, curious ge green tie . Oh, shoot. I dont see color im blind i do see color, but i wish i didnt theyre all buttugly [barks] that dog needs to go to conversion Obedience School uh, you know what . Why dont we transition to another hot topic this week why change is bad. Huh . [all clamoring] chuck, care to comment on why change is bad . Uh, yes. Yes, change is bad. Things were just fine the way they were like the news the news didnt make you feel angry. It made you feel safe. Yeah, depending on who you watched. I was sad not all the anchors and the only men with beards were bums or santa clauses. Oh, and the ocean was so full of fish, you could just reach in and grab one, like a bear and the guys who were wearing dresses were funny, not brave. Man, this is good tv gotta hand it to diana. She knows what shes doing. Yeah. And she knows not to waste her time on someone like me. You okay . Sorry, im not great with emotions. Growing up, my governess was an actual teapot. Diana was my hero. I just thought she would see something in me and take me under her wing, but i guess there was just nothing to see. Well, then thats the first mistake shes made. You know how good you are. If she cant see that, then tell her to go to hell. I mean, not literally. Shes our very, very powerful boss. Oh, dear. You know what, diana . You can go to hell mom . Whats wrong, katie . Why are you crying . I always cry when you cry. Thats why i never got you vaccinated. If you get chickenpox, youll die. Oh, mom. Im really sorry that we fought. I know that you wanted me to be married and have kids by now. I just wanted you to do all the stuff that i did. But i also wanted you to have a career and do all the things that i didnt get to do. But now i get it. Being a modern woman, its an impossible situation. I know, right . You know what, katie . Ive decided that im going to take you under my wing after all. Really . Because i was so persistent and plucky . No, because if you can endure being raised by a sexist, oldfashioned lunatic. None taken. And still manage to be a driven, semiadult woman, that means you have great potential. Plus, i love a challenge. I run marathons with a full bladder. Youre gonna be my full bladder. [weeping] [weeping] did you know that women get paid less than men . How is that fair . Ah. Periods. Keep reading, mom. Oh, katie. I dont know how youre gonna do it all. I just hope you dont miss out on having kids. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks, mom. And just cause im focusing on my career doesnt mean that ive given up on having a family. Ah, its fine if you take men off the table. I havent taken men off the table. Well, men have taken you off the table. Its the same thing. Mom, men are interested in me. Really . Like who . Daddy doesnt count. Like plenty of people. Name one. Greg. He tried to kiss me last week. Oh, no. Father kevin, i want to book a wedding for may 27, 2019. Thats right. Its a saturday i already checked yes, its greg. You called it theyre suspending you mouchiefor 60 days without pay. I tried. You are so out of touch. Im not what i used to be. Im retiring. This is my last shift. We gotta get out of here now. Mouch, im so sorry, mouch. Lets go, lets go, lets go. This situation with my dad isnt ideal. I want a date when hes gone. That is not how marriage works. We talk things out. I understand you wanting to help out your dad, but oh, you do . Because youre really, really not showing it. [suspenseful music] entrance is blocked. Evacuate that building any way you can. Is gabby there . Yeah, yeah, baby. Im here, im here. Gabby. Youre the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you. Bye, gabby