[ cheers and applause ] and they dont tweet a lot. First Lady Melania Trump gave a speech at the u. N. Today where she unveiled her Halloween Costume for this year, sexy grimace. [ cheers and applause ] during Melania Trumps u. N. Speech today she spoke out against bullying, and then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal. [ laughter and applause ] it can be very helpful. Its a helpful tool for life. [ light laughter ] during the same speech Melania Trump encouraged the next generation to live by the golden rule. Which i think she and donald take literally. [ laughter and applause ] several states are considering using paper ballots in the midst of concerns about russian interference in the 2016 election. Also considering using a paper ballot, eric trump. [ laughter and applause ] slide it under the door when youre done, father. Father, i left you a note under the door. I forgot to put my name on it father. [ laughter ] ill be out here. [ light laughter ] scientists had discovered that when male ducks congregate together their penises grow in length. Unfortunately, it only works when youre also a duck. [ laughter and applause ] Hillary Clintons new book what happened sold over 300,000 copies in its first week, making it the highest opening for a nonfiction release in five years. Though, personally id rather read this version. [ laughter and applause ] just write it. Write it. Federal prosecutors have reportedly recommended disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner serve a two Year Prison Sentence for sexting with an underage girl. Why not make it life . Said an unidentified juror. [ cheers and applause ] a leader of a polygamist sect in Salt Lake City plead guilty today to food stamp fraud as he was taken into custody, he said, dont wait for me honey, you either, or you, you too. [ audience aws ] or you, youre my favorite, youre my favorite. [ light laughter ] and finally, in a new interview, former secretary of state john kerry did not rule out running for president in 2020 because who better to lose to our worst president , then the guy who lost to our old worst president. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Hes my old friend, hes starring in a very funny new show, on cbs me, myself and i, bobby moynihan, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] the great bobby moynihan. And man, it is always fun when you have a legend stop by your show. We have that tonight. Shes a Ground Breaking tennis champion, and the subject of the new film, battle of the sexes. Billie jean king is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] so, weve got a lot to talk about tonight. But, before we get to that, here at late night every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so wed like to share them with you now in a segment we call, jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth these are two of our writers everybody. Thats amber and thats jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. [ light laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines, here goes. Starbucks recently hired its first black female c. O. O. Or as her coworkers call her, venti cocoa mochaccino. [ laughter and applause ] seth it was announced recently that the upcoming lesbian reboot of the show, xena Warrior Princess has been canceled. So if you want to watch a show for lesbians youll have to watch monday night football. [ laughter and applause ] seth oh dear and jenny jenny, do you like football . No, if i want to see someone wearing a bunch of pads ill go to a Natalie Merchant concert during a full moon. [ laughter and applause ] whose Natalie Merchant . Seth oh, i can take this. Shes who you played when you wanted to make out with a girl in 1993. Did it work . Yes. Seth yes. [ laughter ] former White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly has a Minority Stake in the new york mets. Coincidentally, minority steak is what donald trump calls barbecued ribs. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter and applause ] seth San Francisco was recently named the most popular destination for gay people. While the most popular destination for closeted gay people is the vatican. Seth oh. [ audience gasps ] [ applause ] i i didnt know ua. Its true. Hey, seth, you know what lesbians and nuns have in common . Seth what . Theyre lesbians. Seth huh. [ light laughter ] a rare White Lobster was caught recently in the gulf of maine. But since it was white, it got to live. [ audience gasps ] [ cheers and applause ] seth several conservatives have suggested that Hurricane Harvey was gods punishment for houston electing a lesbian mayor. Thats ridiculous. If god wanted to punish a lesbian hed make her a bridesmaid. [ laughter and applause ] seth a university of Memphis Police officer is suing the school for reverse discrimination. Reverse discrimination is like regular discrimination, except it doesnt exist. [ laughter and applause ] seth a group of parents in an Alabama School recently started a petition to have the rainbow flag outside a teachers classroom taken down, saying its the same as the confederate flag. And it is, except the gays won. [ cheers and applause ] oh oh baby hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no i couldnt, you guys. Oh come on, just one. Seth no, i feel like if i do ill get in trouble, and it wont end well. Please, seth, please. Come on, buddy. Yeah do it do it do it seth do it seth okay [ cheers and applause ] theyre so behind me ill never lose them. [ laughter ] today was National Scotch day. Ill have two fingers, said lesbians. [ audience gasps ] seth, no seth where did all the applause go . [ light laughter ] seth seth you told me it would be okay. Very bad. Seth okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait im sorry. Let me try another one. Okay. [ light laughter ] new yorks Lincoln Center recently hosted a National Double dutch competition and the winner was, im guessing, black. [ light laughter ] how dare you . You should be ashamed of yourself. Seth well, were they . Yes, they were. Seth okay. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night everybody. [ cheers and applause ] oh, you brought butch. Yeah butch growls at man hes looking at me right now, isnt he . Yup. butch barks at man butch is like an old soul that just hates my guts. laughs vo you can never have too many faithful companions. Introducing the allnew crosstrek. Love is out there. Find it in a subaru crosstrek. Hungry eyes one look at you and i cant disguise ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Applebees 2 for 20. Bill assumed his mayo was the best choice. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brand, kraft real mayo is made with high Quality Ingredients at a price you can feel good about no wonder kraft is so good. R the holidays, we get a gift for mom and dad. And every year, we split it equally. Except for one of us. I write them a poem instead and one for each of you too that ones actually yours. That one. Regardless, were stuck with the bill. To many, words are the most valuable currency. Last i checked, stores dont take words. Some do. Not everyone can be the poetic voice of a generation. I know, right . Such a burden. The bank of america mobile banking app. The fast, secure and simple way to send money. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. I just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. My Insurance Company definitely doesnt have that. You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up to the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also ive been so excited this week, back with us on the drums, fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and fred, very exciting, you are in the new lego movie, lego ninjago. Fred yeah. Seth and this is theyve given me a lego of your character, thats cole. [ light laughter ] and that seems like a perfect lego for you to be the voice of. Fred yeah, little boom box. Seth little boom box. Fred yeah. Seth thats fantastic. And im just so impressed, because you do so many things. And considering how many things you do, it strikes me as strange, because i think you also make up things that you havent actually done. [ light laughter ] you know, i feel like thats what you do. [ laughter ] i feel like you do that, and then you try to impress people and people would be impressed enough with your actual accomplishments. Fred uhhuh. [ laughter ] seth like, for example, anyone who lives in new york right now knows that because the u. N. s in session and donald trump being here, theres been terrible traffic. And i heard you backstage telling people youve invented a new way for people to get around when theres traffic in new york. Fred yes. So, um, ive been sort of helping sell these plastic taxis that are the same size as taxis, and they look really realistic, but you can use them on the sidewalks. [ light laughter ] so seth because theyre plastic, its okay to have a full taxi on the sidewalk . [ light laughter ] fred yes. You can get away with it. So, theyre hollow, you can have a driver in it. And, you know, you just run up on to the sidewalk. [ light laughter ] you cant take any fares. You cant get any one on there. But you can rush you can actually get through the whole city really, really fast. Its got wheels. Seth does it have an engine . Is it an actual fred it has a motor. Seth okay. Fred it has a its a plastic engine. [ light laughter ] and its its almost like a bicycle in a way. So its a little bigger than a taxi and you just go on the sidewalk seth wait. Its bigger than a taxi . [ laughter ] fred fairly. Fairly larger than a taxi. Seth how many times bigger than a regularsized taxi . Fred i want to say twice as big. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] and it fits on the sidewalk . Fred yeah ish. [ light laughter ] it basically fits on the sidewalk. Seth okay, if im walking on the sidewalk and one of your plastic taxis comes up, am i happy or sad . Fred you want to move out of the way. Seth okay. [ laughter ] fred so you can just get uptown, down you want to go east side, west side seth i know the directions, yeah. Fred okay. [ light laughter ] central park, you know, Greenwich Village seth okay, we dont have to keep doing places in new york. Fred okay. Seth what is it called, this service . Fred its called the ambulance factory. [ light laughter ] seth thats a terrible name. Give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] moving on, republican california congressman Dana Rohrabacher has been staunchly defending the russian government against accusations they meddled in our election. In fact, he believes the entire trumprussia story is a farce. So what makes him so sure . Also, who the hell is Dana Rohrabacher . Its time for the checkin. [ ding ding ] [ cheers and applause ] seth now, you may have heard the news that congressman rohrabacher recently met with wikileaks founder julian assange. And then he reportedly tried to negotiate a deal with the white house to pardon assange in exchange for wikileaks handing over alleged evidence that would show that russia was not behind the hacked dnc emails. So why is rohrabacher taking this controversial stance . Well, hes been in Congress Since the late 1980s and has developed a reputation for being the most russiafriendly lawmaker, earning him the nickname putins favorite congressman. Although, i cant think of anything more haunting than Vladimir Putin saying you are my favorite. [ light laughter ] rohrabachers fascination with russia began early on and in a very strange way. In the late 1980s, he briefly went to afghanistan to spend time with local militants the mujahideen and their fight against the soviets. Yes, that is actually him right there. Rohrabacher has said it was there he realized his fight was against communism, not the russians who he came to admire. According to reports at the time, rohrabacher also got to know russian officials, including a then little know deputy mayor of st. Petersburg by the name of Vladimir Putin. Rohrabacher claims to have lost a drunken armwrestling match to putin in the early 90s at a bar in Downtown Washington after a game of touch football. That sounds like the beginning of a weekend that ends with lets never speak of this again. [ light laughter ] rohrabacher was apparently so russia friendly, that in 2012 according to reports fbi agents sat him down in the capitol and warned him that a russian spy was trying to recruit him as an agent of influence. And if youre a russian spy, rohrabacher does seem to be the perfect person to recruit. Hes a Senior Member of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs who consistently defends russia in congress. And, of course, hes convinced that the russiatrump story is all a fabrication. But before we take his word for it, lets look at what he believes about other things, like science. You know, half the world i dont know if you know this. Half the world, when they look at the moon, they see a man in the moon. But the other half of the world sees what . A rabbit in the moon. Again, i think the moon is close by and whatever we can actually get benefit out of going back there, we should. We dont know what those other cycles were caused by in the past. Could be dinosaur flatulence, you know. Or who knows . [ light laughter ] and what happened when the co2 was greater since then and now theres been many cycles of up and down warming. So with that said, i think that we weve had a great discussion today. Seth youve had a great discussion. [ light laughter ] you just basically suggested Global Warming was caused by dinosaur farts. [ laughter ] now that clip was from 2007, and rohrabacher later said that he was joking when he made that comment. But it doesnt look like hes changed his mind since then in terms of his skepticism about whether Carbon Dioxide is bad for human health. Which earned him this response from a democratic congressman. Regarding my friend from california in what he just said, if he thinks that Carbon Dioxide doesnt cause any human health problems, i invite him to put a plastic bag over his head and tie it tightly around his neck and see what happens next. [ laughter and applause ] seth now now a part of me thinks that rohrabacher may have already tried that. [ light laughter ] because it would help to explain this impromptu jam session he engaged reporters in during a tour of his office back in 2011. Over the years ive written a lot of songs that are sort of sort of political songs. You know, the sort of patriotic things and things like that. God bless america god bless our freedom and god bless the people who work every day god bless us all God Bless America the freest land of all there you go. [ light laughter ] seth would you believe hes only had negative 30 lessons . [ laughter ] look for that song on rohrabachers album, bumper stickers i saw at costco. [ laughter and applause ] seriously what is this guy smoking . Well, funny i should ask. Now, dont tell anybody i broke the law. [ light laughter ] actually, you know theyll bust down my door. You know, and take whatevers inside and use it for evidence against me. Theres definitely cannabis in there, and it makes sure that i can sleep now. Seth so much for the theory that weed helps you write great music. [ light laughter ] now rohrabacher was speaking to a group of marijuana advocates there, explaining that he had turned to medical marijuana to help with his arthritis pain. And although its legal in the state he represents, his outright admission was significant, because according to one close observer it marks the first time in at least several decades that a sitting u. S. Congressman has admitted to marijuana use while in office. So hes a weed loving, prorussia guitar player. Hes basically the guy who ruined every party i went to in college. [ laughter ] rohrabacher seems to be blazing his own trail when it comes to more than just marijuana, specifically when it comes to his dealings with russian officials and lobbyists. In fact, his story keeps overlapping with many of the key players in the current russia investigation. As the l. A. Times reported, when former Campaign Manager and current target of the mueller investigation, Paul Manafort, was working on behalf of a prorussian Ukrainian Political Party in 2013, he met with just one u. S. Politician rohrabacher. In what rohrabacher described as a nice little dinner. Somehow nice little dinner with Paul Manafort seems like mafia slang. Take him out for a nice little dinner somewhere by the river. [ light laughter ] and manaforts certainly not the only connection here. According to other reports, in april of last year, rohrabacher traveled to moscow and met with the same russian lawyer and lobbyist who we now know were at donald trump jr. s infamous meeting with Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort at trump tower last summer. Between that meeting, manafort, and his defense of assange, even some members of rohrabachers own party are wondering who hes really working for. Behind closed doors, House Majority leader Kevin Mccarthy joked, quote, theres two people i think putin pays rohrabacher and trump. Um when the comment came to light, mccarthy dismissed it as a joke. Seth and of course its a joke. There have to be at least 12 more people on putins payroll. [ light laughter ] jokes aside, the congressman should probably rely to u. S. Intelligence agencies to do their job without his interference. Because we all want america to remain whats the phrase im looking for . The freest land of all [ laughter and applause ] seth this has been the checkin. [ ding ding ] well be right back with bobby moynihan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ more more more by dagny ] more, more, more how do you like it how do you like it more, more, more how do you like it how do you like it how do you like it more, more, more the world is not flat. You cant just pinch it, swipe it, or scroll it. Sure, youve seen the mediterranean. But have you . How warm is brazil in february . What color is dusk in San Francisco . Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. Yo and you probably do. Rt youre a beautiful thing. Sc johnson. [ mo more, more, more ny ] how do you like it how do you like it more, more, more how do you like it how do you like it how do you like it more, more, more the best. Der. The sclass has sat at the pinnacle of automotive excellence for generations. The one car that continually innovates and pushes technology forward. On each sclass, there lies a simple badge. And it serves as our constant reminder, to never rest on laurels, and to forever earn the star. This is the 2018 sclass from mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. [ cheers and applause ] seth you know our first guest tonight from his nine seasons on saturday night live. He stars in the new Comedy Series me, myself and i, which premieres monday night on cbs. Please welcome back to the show, our very good friend, bobby moynihan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you, bobby . Good. Doing well. Seth well, congratulations on your show, but also congratulations on becoming a father a few months ago. What . What . It happened . Seth you didnt know that yay seth yeah. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. Thank you. Seth we were talking backstage. So far so good . Youre enjoying it, so far . Yeah, its the best. Its the best. If you could do it, you should try it. You have. Seth i did. You did it, great. [ light laughter ] seth and i we did something very similar, which is, we waited until we were done with snl to have children. Thats the only way to do it. Seth it kind of, is the only way to do it. You had your final show. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Seth it was an incredible season and [ applause ] this is this is how you left the stage on your final show on the shoulders of tom hanks and alec baldwin. Oh, look at that little chubby 15yearold face. Im so happy. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] and where was it . Was the culmination of the year were you satisfied . Did you feel good walking off that stage for the last time . I did. I did. I had such an amazing time there and then i was i got super sick on the last day, and it was crazy. But that that moment right there we were just standing there and then all of a sudden, tom hanks started whispering to alec, and they started coming towards me. And im like, what whats about to happen right now . [ laughter ] seth yeah. And then theres what you dont see is Kenen Thompson and pete also behind there. Theyre not im a heavy dude. They [ laughter ] but they went for it. And alec very tenderly holding my shoe. Seth yeah, alec is doing by far, the least amount of work. The least amount of work. Seth look at that, just like [ laughter ] ill take his foot. But but looks the saddest. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] it was you you had an incredible arc, in your time in the show. Which is you started in 2008. Yeah. Seth which was, until this year, the craziest Political Year the show ever had. Yeah. Seth it was the sarah palin year. My First Episode was the first time tina did sarah palin. Seth which is crazy. Yeah. Seth and then this year. Did the show won an emmy this year. Congratulations on that. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] seth was i dont think id get one. I want one. Seth no, you dont. You definitely dont gimme one. Seth you dont get one. I want one though. [ light laughter ] seth no, they gave one im taking this tehn. Seth okay, you can take that. Will you will you miss pitching on monday . Will you miss no. Seth did you hate no, no. Pitch was the worst for me. Everything else was wonderful. No, i still wake up with dumb ideas and go like, nope, nope. [ light laughter ] seth what do you have were there any things that you pitched that you look back and wish youd actually been able to get on the show . Of course. Right as i left, right as i was leaving, i pitched rupauls drag race junior. Seth uhhuh. [ laughter ] that seems like thats a perfectly viable sketch. I think so. I think thats right in the tender one wheel house. Seth yeah. I wish that one would have made it. And a very early one. I think i did it in my first year, was tall napoleon. Seth tall napoleon . Yeah. [ light laughter ] just thought he wouldnt he wouldnt be that mad if he was tall. Seth oh. [ laughter ] so just sort of i didnt really have a sketch. I just had a theme song, which was, hes tall tall napoleon hes not small. Any moreleon seth that seems weird. That seems like right up laurens alley. Yeah. [ laughter and applause ] seth this was the year i feel like a lot of people, the show got a lot of attention for its political stuff. There were some other sketches that were fantastic, that had nothing to do with politics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth you were behind with others, i think the most memorable sketch this year, which was tom hankss david s. Pumpkins. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth david s. Pumpkins. There he is, right there. [ cheers and applause ] and its not i will say, watching it, you know, as someone who wrote for the show, sometimes you see sketches, and you think, oh, i wish i had come up with that. That is not what i thought. [ laughter ] no mostly just i just couldnt even imagine like, anything firing to ever bring me to this conclusion of a sketch. How did you come up how we got there is truly bizarre. Mikey day and streeter seidell. I wrote it with those guys. Seth two fantastic writers. Oh, the best. Mikeys a genius. Mikeys a very, very smart, smart guy but we were watching that video of the little theres a video of a indian guy dancing around and every once in a while he stops and the music stops. And we thought that was really fun. And we were like, lets write something where were dancing and then it was halloween and we said, theres no santa claus for halloween. So we just tried to were like, okay, so if we make this guy whose like a and were his side dancer. [ laughter ]e and then mikey was like, how about david pumpkins . I said, how about david s. Pumpkins . [ light laughter ] the rest is history. Seth it really is. [ cheers and applause ] Tom Hanks Tom hanks in between dress and air, not a fan of the sketch. Thought it was very bizarre, in between dress and air was like, hey i think Chris Hemsworth would make a great david pumpkins. Seth oh. He was hosting the next week. Seth the next host. Yeah. But now but now hes very happy with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth yeah. And this is how did you find the costume for david s. Pumpkins . Was that built by the we purposely went and we were like, we just a 12. 99 suit from party city, i think. Seth wow. It was just like, we went for they got their costumes at party city as well. Seth and then pretty quickly, this became i feel like people dressed up already this halloween as david s. Pumpkin. The next the next day there was like a new york comiccon or some comiccon somewhere, and there was a bunch of david pumpkins and skeletons everywhere. And theres always one skinny one and one fat one. No matter what. [ laughter ] seth really . Yeah. Seth thats fantastic. I feel like there are like, pairs of friends that saw that and said, this is what were going to do. Its two nerds going, we gotta find a skinny guy. [ laughter ] seth find two skinny guys and well do it twice. I want to ask as well about this, cause this is mind blowing to me. Yeah. Thats a real seth because obviously, this is a crazy year. Donald trump is president , but also [ laughter ] nice one. Seth he he was on the show, but you have a connection with him. This is a true story. This is a very true story. Seth i would not believe this if there wasnt he is my father. Seth if yeah. [ laughter ] i have right here, i have a paternity test that im about to show the audience. Thats what it is. Its an ultrasound, orange ultrasound. Seth you went to jury duty. You went to jury duty. I got called in for jury duty. I had postponed it a couple of times and this was the last time so i had to go. Seth and he was there. He was there. When i show when i showed up there was all these things there. Im like, am i about to go on like a murder trial . Whats happening . And this happened. Seth there he is. Look at him. I mean, thats definitely him. I took a little creeper photo. [ laughter ] and thats him. He specifically asked to sit between those two ladies. Got his picture taken. [ laughter ] got his picture taken, and then got up and left. Seth oh, he didnt stay. Did he oh, no. He was there for maybe a half an hour. As long as it took to take the pictures. Seth got it. Make a couple weird jokes. He saw me and said hello. Seth cause i was going to say, like the fact that he went to jury duty, if he had actually gone and done the whole thing, id be like, i dont care if he [ bleep ] pays his taxes. [ laughter ] like, thats more impressive to me than that. But youre just saying it was photo op city. I believe it was the week he announced that he was running for president. Seth got it. A couple days later. So he i think he felt he had to be there. Seth and they were like, yeah, he basically said to the judge. Hes like, is there any reason you cant serve on the jury . Hes like, im going to be president. [ laughter ] going to be president , its going to be great. [ laughter ] god, i never i shouldve done trump. Seth you wouldve been a good trump. This is very exciting, your show, me, myself and i. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth th we apologize. I was like, this is like a half day for me. [ laughter ] this is the easiest schedule in the world. I was like, no, its the best, yeah. Seth you also had this one of the highlights of your life, you got to work with some people that youre very i dont even know, is people the right term . Probably not. I keep saying it was the best weekend of my life, and then i remember i had a daughter. Seth yeah. Like, not that far ago. [ laughter ] but it really was it really was the best weekend of my life. Seth you did the muppets at Hollywood Bowl. I did. Seth and you got to work with the muppets. I got to host the muppet show, live at the Hollywood Bowl. Seth there you go. [ cheers and applause ] seth how was it outstanding . It was, man. Those guys are so insanely talented, and its so hard to do that and do everything, but to do it on stage at the Hollywood Bowl and like it was truly amazing. It was the best, it was the best. I got to sing rainbow connection with kermit and paul williams. [ audience aws ] seth oh, thats fantastic. If youre going to sing it with anyone, those are the guys. Correct, correct, yeah. [ light laughter ] seth well, congratulations. Congratulations on everything. Thanks so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] father of the show. Yeah. Jimmy always great to see you, bobby. Thank you so much. Seth bobby moynihan, everybody. Me, myself and i premieres monday night on cbs. Well be right back with more late night [ cheers and applause ] marcopolo marco. polo marco. polo marco. polo marco. si . Polo marco. polo scusa . Ma io sono marco polo, ma. Marco. playing marco polo with marco polo . Surprising. Ragazzini, io sono marco polo. Si, sono qui. Whats not surprising . How much money amanda and keith saved by switching to geico. Ahhh. Polo. Marco. polo fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Polo adjusting a tropical mood. We let it transport us. Adventure. We have a fragrance for that. New Glade Plugins car. Crafted by glade. Sc johnson. Directv has been rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. 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And hearing things like this always get me to thinking, you know, im getting older and sometimes i look around me and i dont even recognize the world im living in. [ light laughter ] things are changing every day and not always for the better. And its times like these that i like to take a moment to talk about how things were just a bit more simple a bit more simple, back in my day. [ cheers and applause ] seth so now our favorite videogame character is out of a job. Well, gee, back in my day, we just assumed mario didnt have a real job, because the kid in my class who ate mushrooms and kicked turtles didnt have a job either. [ laughter ] back in my day, there were no solar eclipses. No, sir. If you wanted to be profoundly disappointed by something in the sky, you had to fly spirit airlines. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we werent worried about the equifax data breach. Nope. We had enough data breaches to worry about, like yahoo or target or anthem or Jp Morgan Chase or ebay or home depot or adobe. [ light laughter ] who do you think is going to be hacked next, rusty . [ bark ] gogo inflight wireless . [ barking ] [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have the apple watch. But come to think of it, nobody has an apple watch now either. [ laughter and applause ] guess some things never change. [ coughing ] [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have congressman looking at porn on their phone like ted cruz. Codswallop back in my day, if a congressman wanted an inappropriate picture on their phone, they had the gumption and wherewithal to take it themselves like, Anthony Weiner. [ light laughter ] back in my day, your iphone couldnt recognize your face. Nope. If you wanted your face to be recognized, you had to spend hours wondering around a walgreens until finally someone said, hey, arent you seth meyers . [ light laughter ] and you screamed back at them, leave me alone im trying to shop in peace [ laughter ] back in my day, when we had hurricanes, kanye west would go on television and tell people that the president doesnt care about black people. Nowadays we dont need to hear that kind of thing, because we already know our president doesnt care about black people. [ cheers and applause ] heck, he ran on it, right, rusty . [ bark ] oh, right. Mexicans too. [ light laughter ] back in my day, we didnt have a Virtual Assistant named alexa. We had a real assistant named alexa. And she was always late and usually hungover. Now, this new alexa can do things like tell you the weather and play the gin blossoms. If you told the old alexa to play the gin blossoms, shed just sing it the best she could. Which, honestly, was awful. Dont believe me . Hey, alexa, play gin blossoms. Tomorrow we can drive around this town let the cops chase us around [ mumbling ] might be found to take its place hey, jealousy [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth that was great, alexa. I want friday off. Seth you dont work here anymore. You dont work here anymore. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] seth back in my day, we didnt have gender reveal parties. Fiddle sticks back then, wed just wait until the child was born and take a gander at its crotch. [ light laughter ] it was always around this time someone would Say Something like, seth meyers, what are you doing in here . This is a private hospital room. And id just tip my hat and id say, well, im looking for the nearest walgreens. [ laughter ] well, im sorry i had to do that. [ cheers and applause ] but sometimes this grumpy gramps gotta get his gripe on. This has been back in my day. Well be right back, everybody, with billie jean king. [ cheers and applause ] it all started when sophia stopped into marshalls and found a mug for surprisingly little green. She paired that with some succulents. And suddenly something clicked. That surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama. Or is that an alpaca . Super soft towels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. She arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. Did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . No. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. A mihappy birthday, sweetie oh, millies. Trick or treat were so glad to have you here. What if we treated great female scientists like they were stars . Yasss queen what if millie dresselhaus, the first woman to win the National Medal of science in engineering, were as famous as any celebrity . [millie dresselhaus was seen having lunch today. ] [. Rumors of the new discovery. ] what if we lived in a world like that . crowd applauding we know a place thats already working on it. Hungry eyes one look at you and i cant disguise ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. [ cheers and applause ] seth with 39 grand slam titles, our next guest is one of the greatest tennis players of all time. Her iconic match against bobby riggs 44 years ago today, is the subject of the film battle of the sexes, which is in select theater friday and everywhere september 29th. Lets take a look. Pretty soon, us fellas arent gonna be able to go to a ball game. Were not going to be able to go fishing. Were not going to be able to stop and have a drink after work, and thats what this whole womens lib thing is about. And its got to stop, and bobby riggs is the man to stop it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is custers last stand. This is the leaver versus the lever. [ laughter ] keep talking, bobby. The more nonsense you spout, the worse its gonna be when you lose. Seth please welcome to the show billie jean king, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome to the show. I see fred over there. Boom. Seth you i was very fred was very excited you were here tonight. Im excited. Hes in the movie, battle of the sexes. Seth there you go. And this is very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] we we can tell from the clip. Emma stone plays you in the film. Heres a shot. You guys were actually watching tennis together. I know, scary, isnt it . Seth well i wanted to ask, are you, because of your history and because of you being this legendary ten are you fun to watch tennis with . Terrible. Seth really . [ light laughter ] absolutely terrible. Seth why are you bad . cause i kind of commentate. You know, i dont have any filter. So, i like commentate the whole time im running. And i said to emma theres an empty seat over here. Let me go over there and sit so you dont have to listen to me. [ laughter ] and she goes, oh no. Oh no. I want you right here. I want you to talk to me right in my ear, cause i dont know that much, and i want you to sit right here. Poor thing. Afterwards, i think she went, oh, i shouldve let her sit over there. [ laughter ] seth now one of the things you believe about tennis is being a tennis player, is its not just, sort of the athletic skill, the technical skill, that one of the things you have to do is be an entertainer. Thats what we are. Seth yeah. You know that tennis court, thats our stage, just like in theater or what youre doing here, this is your stage. Now i always thought of it as our stage and our job its about the audience. If you give a speech, or what you do, its about you guys, its about the audience. My job is to connect with them. And so when they go home at night and they go, god, it was unbelievable. They connected. They want to go back. Lets go back and watch again. Seth and so you were very you were thinking about that on the court . Oh, always. Seth thats fantastic. When i was young. Oh yeah, i love it. I love movies, love theater, love dance. I love seth and were there could you feel when you had the audience in the palm of your hand, while you were out on the court . I never felt i ever had them in my palm of my hand, but i felt like we were connecting. Seth connectings good. You know, like sitting next to me going, can you believe this . This is unbelievable. Seth and when you decided to do this match against bobby riggs, what were you setting out to accomplish . Because i think as soon as you took it on, a lot of people put a lot of things on you, as far as what they thought you were trying to accomplish. What was your main thrust of your plan there . Well it was all about social change, trying to fight for equality and freedom for everyone. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you. They didnt they didnt hold up applause, did they . Seth no, no, we dont even have one of those, yeah. Im kidding. Im kidding, im kidding. No, because i understood it was about social change. Because when i was 12 i had an epiphany, and i played tennis one year and i wanted to be number one when i was 11, but at 12 i was daydreaming at the los angeles tennis club. And i noticed everybody who played had white shoes, white socks white clothes, played with white balls, and everybody who played was white. And i asked the question, wheres everybody else . And that was my moment of truth for my life and, you know, i just knew it. [ cheers and applause ] seth and are you do you feel good about where tennis is as a sport right now when you look out . When you watch the u. S. Open this year . Thats not the right question to ask. Seth okay. You know why . Seth why . Im such a pain. Seth oh yeah . Im a total pain in the backside and i totally am a perfectionist, so it always can be better. Seth okay, well thats good. I think thats a good way to look at everything right now, is that it could be better. Yeah, im always that way. Seth we cant be satisfied. You think . It could be better. Seth yeah, i think so, i think we agree on that. I want to ask about this as well. President obama, he named you as one of the two openly gay delegates to go to the sochi olympics, and then he gave you a medal of freedom. What was your what was it like to meet president obama . It was amazing. Receiving the president ial medal of freedom, first of all, its the first time a president s ever mentioned the Lgbtq Community and sexual preference, and i really had an honor to receive the president ial medal of freedom with also harvey milk posthumously. His nephew received it. He was there. So that was a first ever. Also i was the first woman athlete to ever to receive it, which was good newsbad news, because theres so many women that came before me that deserve it like althea gibson, babe dedrickson. Theres so many that deserve it. So many male athletes have been honored. So i really hope that shifts, but to be i love he understands me. And he saw the match the battle of the sexes when he was 12 and when i first met him when we went into the oval office, im like like its him. [ laughter ] you know how they have the two chairs everybody sits in so they can get all the photos . Seth yeah. Oh, no. I went over and i sat like this on the sofa. And hes looking at me like, what are you over there for . And im like, eee. [ laughter ] so we never had a photo and i knew he put it in the back of my mind. So as soon as we got up to leave, he goes, lets have a photo. The photographers there constantly, but i just felt so i dont know, i was just kind of overwhelmed with the whole occasion. But he said, you know, i saw the match when i was 12 and now that i have two daughters it really it changed my life. And i get these stories from the men all the time, now they have daughters. And sometimes they dont have to have daughters to change how their perception, how theyre going to look at women, how theyre gonna treat women. Have more respect. But women come up to me, and they just have they just gain so much confidence and they felt so empowered, and they asked for a raise the next day. Theyd been waiting ten years to have the guts to ask, cause girls are taught not to ask what we want and need. Cant do that. So it was like, and i said, more importantly, did you get the raise . Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] and you know what . Every single one of them told me yes. Seth oh, well thats fantastic. Its amazing. [ cheers and applause ] seth well thank you for everything that youve done. Thank you for everything you continue to do. Thank you. Seth what an honor to have you here tonight. Billie jean king, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] battle of the sexes is in select theaters friday, and everywhere september 29th. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] doctor. Doctor. I played a doctor on tv, but now im helping save lives for real. Starting with my own. Im partnering with Cigna Healthspring to remind everyone how important Preventive Care is for people my age. See anything, doctor . Looks great, doctor. And with Cigna Healthspring medicare advantage, you get a team of doctors overseeing your health. Most Preventive Services are covered. So go, know, and take control of your health. Oh. Use mine, doctor. Cigna healthspring. Together, all the way. Cigna healthspring. You each drive a ford all yes. Ght . Im going to show you a next generation pickup. Awesome. Lets do this. The bed is made of highstrength steel, which is less susceptible to punctures than aluminum. Stronger the better. And best of all, this new truck is actually all laughing oh my. The current chevy silverado. Current chevy owners and lessees get a total value of tenthousand, six hundred dollars. Or, 0 financing for 72 months on this silverado all star. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to bobby moynihan, billie jean king, everybody fred armisen, 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] carson hey there, guys and gals this is the lovely hilton hotel in universal city, our home for tonights last call. Im carson, thanks fobeing here. All right, heres what we got