The glue factory, the first horse ever to have a restraining order and orange bluster is the winner, followed closely behind by flagrant nepotism, environmental devastation, losing your healthcare, russian footsie, korea go boom, and always dreaming for all of us here at Churchill Downs hold on, orange bluster just had his jockey deported. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes rami malek, bill nye and musical guest roger water, featuring jon batiste and stay human and now, live from on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo hey, how ar cheers and applause yes good to see you hey, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert cheers and applause first of all, happy monday, everybody. This feels more like a friday crowd than a monday crowd. Jon i know got the friday on the monday cheers and applause stephen oh, donald trump, you know that guy . The donald trump guy . audience booing stephen yeah, hes getting famous. Theyre chanting, Donald Donald trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on friday the white house has it took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning. The chief usher has a range of responsibilities including guidance on furnishings and decor. In trumps case saying, hey, what if we try not gold . laughter the firing of the first female chief usher, an africanamerican named angela reed is controversial because its not a political position. Reed is just the ninth chief usher since 1885. Yeah, back then the usher was in charge of state dinners and hedge trimming chester a. Arthur. laughter ushers usually stay on after the president leaves, which might be the problem, because reed was appointed by the previous administration, and historian Douglas Brinkley speculated the Trump Administration seems worried about even i think thats ridiculous. Ive seen pictures of this woman and she doesnt look like an obama spy. Can we put her up . laughter shes lovely look, there has to be another reason. When asked about the unusual firing, Sarah Sanders said something. But we left on very good terms and wish her the very best and certainly hope for great things for her in the future. I believe that the deputy usher will be serving as the acting usher for right now. Stephen translation, we gave the job to jared kushner. laughter whilerooms are dismantling obamacare, democrats are fighting back the only way they know how, through the power of visual arts, because democratic candidate for Virginia Governor and man who 20 years later just realized who kaiser sose following ad right after the house voted on healthcare. Republican leaders are trying to do this to affordable healthcare. Im tom periello, and i voted for obamacare. We can make abeconomy that works for everyone and make sure this never happens in virginia. Stephen youve got to do that in one take. As an actor, im saying up to do that in one take or have a lot of ambulances standing by. laughter seems like a waste of a perfectly good ambulance until you realize without healthcare we wont need them anymore. But this could backfire for pariello because the real star of the ad is clearly the model 10 crusher. laughter yeah, its an up and comer. Its huge, its loud, it destroys everything in its way. It could be our next president. laughter now, as a im sure cheers and applause im telling you. Yeah this is coming up. Stephen lot of model 10 crusher fans here tonight. Were still learning details about the Budget Congress passed this week. The press had a lot of questions about it. The white house sent out budget director and baby born in a suit mick mulvaneyy. Mulvaney held a Conference Call to discuss with reporters which went off the rail when answering about one of the president s tweets, had an unexpected sound track. I think we might need to shut down to drive to this place that washington needs to be fixed music for those of you who put us on hold, please mute your phones. I enjoy the classical music. Is there a way to oh, oh lets try who would like to ask some questions in this is going to be a disaster. laughter applause stephen yes this is going to be a disaster. Though i have to warn you, the quality of this audio isnt great, so in some sections, we had to make educated guesses as to what was going on. I just wanted to ask, you mentioned the democrats didnt get Renewable Energy subsidies. Which subsidies are we talking about here . They could ask for new subsidies call breaking up hello, hello . call breaking up laughter youre breaking up. Hello. Stephen Mulvaney Mulvaney either has a bad connection or has begun speaking in tongues. laughter reporters are used to getting no clear answers from the white house, so they pushed on. Is anyone still there . Audio is breaking up. music lost control of the white house. Stephen this is unbelievable anyone who works at an office can tell you its one of the most successful Conference Calls of all time. Hello . Hello . applause things got more and more chaotic, culminating in the big finish, you know what that means, time for a saxophone solo. Hit it saxophone music hello . laughter stephen it was all summed up in todays new york times, mulvaney bleep bloop budget smooth jazz. Mmhmm. Its fake news. Fake news. This is literally fake news. We made it up. applause in legal news, the eagles you know the band the eagles . The eagles, including leader don headily, are suing a mexican ho the tell called Hotel California in federal court saying the hotel has been using the name suggesting a connection with the band for financial gain. For you youngsters out there, Hotel California was one of the eagles bestselling about ms. Look for it in the tape deck of your dads camaro. On a and this lawsuit against the Hotel California is bad for other businesses trying to profit off the eagles like the Landscaping Service rake it to the limit, the wedding formal wear drop, dress parado, and perhaps the most flagrant the Little League baseball supply store the eagles hits volume two. laughter i dont know about you, but ever since the house passed the new healthcare bill last week, ive been trying to decide should i move to canada, or just stay drunk . applause well, now it turns out that the best answer might be both. Because the Canadian Food Inspection Agency recently announced that gin is being recalled for having too much alcohol. Too much alcohol . Well, you wouldnt want that. Im buying it for the hydration. The recall was announced because bottles of Bombay Sapphire gin. Were found to contain 77 alcohol by volume rather than the ty cheers and applause calm down. laughter heres how you can tell normal gin tastes like juniper with hints of lemon and coriander. 77 alcohol gin tastes like regret, with hints of fighting a parking meter. laughter the company realized the mistake after they received an isolated consumer complaint. laughter who complained . sorry, im callin aboot this gin. It has too much of the thing i bought it for, eh. You want it back . Im sorry. Ill spit it back in if you want. laughter well, according to a bombay spokesperson, the complaint was reported by a regular connoisseur of Bombay Sapphire gin who realized that the taste profile was off. By the way, i believe regular connoisseur of Bombay Sapphire gin is canadian for, aunt going through a rough patch. laughter ever since henry luckily, this isnt too much of a problem for the gin because there were no reports of anyone becoming sick. However, there were several reports of parties becoming sick cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Rami malek is here. But when we return, ill share my latest midnight confessions. Stick around cheers and applause heineken tastes perfect every single time and that doesnt happen by accident it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. Almost as long as it took me to master this look. A heineken brewmaster. Theres more behind the star. Someday youll let me put my way ycomb up there air til then youre beautiful and i just stare im leaving you, wesley. But why . You havent noticed me in two years. I was in a coma. Well, i still deserve appreciation. Who was there for you when you had amnesia . You know i cant remember that. Stop this madness. If its appreciation you want you should both get snapshot from progressive. It rewards good drivers with big discounts on car insurance. I have news. Ive used most of our cellular data. Come on, susan lucci we asked people to write down the things they love to do most on these balloons. Travel with my daughter. Roller derby. Now give up half of em. Do i have to . This is a tough financial choice we could face when we retire. But, if we start saving even just 1 more of our annual income. We could keep doing all the things we love. Prudential. Bring your challenges. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody jon batiste and bad band right there say hi to that band right there piano riff hey, jon hey, jon, did you have a good weekend . Yes, yes, i had a great weekend. Stephen what did you do. Jon friday was great, man. Stephen friday . Jon friday was awesome. Stephen the weekend kicked off great. Jon kicked off good. Stephen friday, amazing. cheers and applause and listen, just a quick reminder to you and all you people out there and of course the lovely people at home watching in their underwear, tomorrow night, tuesday, youre going to want to stop by again, its a very special show. Ill be getting back together with my old friends jon stewart, samantha bee, john oliver and rob corddry. cheers and applause only one of these is made up. Its going to be great. As many of you know by now, im a catholic. Of the roman persuasion. But i dont often go to mass that often because theyre not as chill about me watching veep on my phone as i wo and i really miss my favorite catholic tradition confession. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay. Be right back. laughter forgive me audience Neil Degrasse tyson is my favorite guest and my least Favorite Movie reviewer. laughter i know lightsabers wouldnt work in real life, just let me have this, neil sometiwh i walk around my neighborhood wearing a shirt that says, as seen on tv. laughter i love my coffee mug. cause this aint coffee. laughter applause that smells canadian. cheers and applause soft organ music when i want to feel good, i do random acts of kindness. And when that doesnt work, random acts of violence. laughter i still think theres a small chance i have jedi powers. laughter when i kill a house fly, i leave its body there, and yell youre next you bastards no shoes, no service, i always think theyre gonna be sorry they didnt include pants. laughter sometimes i have so many tabs open in my browser that the only solution is to throw out my laptop and start again. cheers and applause i got kicked out of yoga class because im too good. laughter cheers and applause the happiest day of my life was when i figured out i could put a chair in the shower. I cant wait to be a grandfather because that would double my compatible organ donors. Im not very good at folding maps. The last time i broke my phone in half. Every time i blow out the candles on a birthday cake, my wish is that the person whos birthday it is will forgive me. laughter applause i miss being single. Not the casual sex part, just being allowed to eat dinner over the sink. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with rami malek. band playing cheers and applause ns in on. That was amazing. Iling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Of our oils responsibly. And we care about incredible taste. Because at hellmanns, were on the side of food. Then moisturize with isaveeno® skin relief. With oat oil and natural shea butter, it softens and smooths extra dry skin and lasts for 24 hours. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful results® dry mouth mouth feels and how you feel. Discover act dry mouth, specially formulated to soothe and moisturize your mouth. And try new act dry h moutspray for relief when you need it. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody whoo my first guest is the Emmy Awardwinning actor you know as eliot from mr. Robot. He now stars in busters mal heart. Dont you think its a little confusing to teach your daughter sparn before she knows english . I think shes perfectly capable of learning both. Arent you . You like spanish . Yes. There you go. Good morning. Buenos dias. Good morning. Buenos dias. , poppy. Myia more. This cartoon is a little pornographic. Its her fave. Its know, its free. Stephen please welcome rami malek cheers and applause band playing stephen standing ovation from the crowd. Not everybody gets that. I gotta tell ya. Really . Stephen okay. I first fell in love with you as an actor playing snafu in the pacific. It was probably an amazing, disturbing performance for you as well. Now we have buster. Do you feel intense, unstable characters . Sadly, probably, yeah. Stephen whens the ram com coming . I dont know what youre talking about. I feel like these character are socially awkward mindbending characters, perfect for curling up with popcorn and grabbing your girlfriend and having a glass of wine. Stephen and wondering is this how the worlds going to end . Yeah. Doesnt it feel that way . Stephen right now . Yes. Stephen it doesnt feel sustainable. How about that. Yes. Stephen i dont know if the world will end but it feels like its changing. The wheel is spinning you just dont know where its going to end at this point. That would compel me to give a ram com. Stephen give me im the person you fell in love with. We just bumped into each other in love with this person. Okay. Okay. Stephen are you going to eat that carrot . No, because that carrot should be split between the two of us if were if were going to be together. cheers and applause stephen thats a great pickup line. That carrot should be split between the two of us. Right. Which side of the carrot do you want . cheers and applause whats happening . Too much . Stephen i dont think enough. All right. A second date is in order, yes. Stephen a second date is in order . The first dates a carrot. Whats the second date . Steak, potatoes. Whats this . This is you. You played stephen this is you. You made a splash at the met. cheers and applause i saw you in its an eye catcher but its getting play all over the line. I see kind of a charming devil. Charming devil. Stephen i could sexy elmo. Right. laughter you know what . I see rihanna. Stephen yeah, i see rihanna back there where no ones paying attention to her applause walking behind rihanna at one of those things, its the worst mistake you could ever make. Im surprised i got a photo out of the whole thing. Stephen did you have a good time at this thing . I saw you there. Do you remember that . Stephen i do remember that. It was you. I was talking with trevor noah and hasan minage and you left and after you left, someone came over and said whos smoking the pot . laughter youre going to play Freddy Mercury in bohemian rhapsody. Moment. Stephen are you a big queen fan . Huge. Stephen do you have a goto queen song or anything like that . A goto queen song i think i like some of the more obscure ones. Theres the one called lilly of the valley that i love, but somebody to love is huge. Stephen of course. Find me somebody to love. Find me somebody to love no . No. Stephen we dont have the right to it. Thats a lawsuit right there waiting to happen. Yeah. Stephen did you go meet the other lads in the band . Did you go over and meet queen . I went to do some prerecording and it was at abby road studios. So i was a little late to yeah, london traffic, whatever. But i was running across the street where i looked back and i crosswalk that the beatles have the album cover for abbye abby n and instantly im, like, whats happening to me right now . I race up the stairs, the meeting is on the fourth floor. Around the third floor im passing the photos of the Rolling Stones and beatles and every band you love. Suddenly i stop and im, like, what are you doing . Youre late, you shouldnt stop right now, and i take two steps back and i see this autographed photo of all the members of queen, and Freddy Mercurys face just kind of staring at me telling me, dont do this. laughter stephen was it a challenge . It was a challenge. I kind of looked back and i said, no, no it really felt inspiring but it definitely was that look of dont bleep this up. laughter no, i ran upstairs and its been, you know, monumental meeting those guys. Recording. They were sent stephen you had to sing as Freddy Mercury in front of other members of queen . Well, they were sent a tape of it. Stephen did they see it . Yeah, i thought they had seen it before i met them, but i met them in Roger Taylors flat when i met brian may as well and i was under the impression they had seen the tape but they hadnt downloaded it properly. So i ended up watching them watch me for the first time in between stephen oh, wow. It was, like no pressure. Stephen how did they take you . They took me. laughter stephen tell me about busters mal heart. Yeah. Stephen whats that movie about . Are you buster . Do you have the mal heart . Yeah, im buster, a guy born with a bad heart who tries to write his situation. He works the grave card shift at a really much in love with his life, so he sets off to be a mountain man, yet hes not very good at that at all. Stephen where are these mountains. Montana. Stephen serious mountains. Erious mountains. Stephen did you go to montana . I went to montana to philipum, one of the most beautiful states ive ever been to. Stephen what time did you go there . I think we were there in the falls. Stephen were the leaves falling off the trees . Sure. Stephen then thats fall. laughter here you are at buster. How long did it take you to grow that fake beard . Three minutes in hair and makeup. Stephen are you a mountain man yourself. I actually grew that beard. Stephen you did . And i tried to deep it in the show for mr. Robot, but they couldnt find a way to incorporate that into the character. Stephen you look like a biblical prophet there. Fi my name is also jonah in the so it is a take on that biblical story. Stephen are you any bit of a mountain man yourself . Are you an outdoorsman . I do like the outdoors very much and i love to go camping but i never went camping as a kid. My dad was in the military for a little bit and, so, hes, like, why would we ever go revisit sleeping outside and pitch ago tent and all the horrors that come with that . Youre lucky to have a bed. laughter stephen now, heres something that happened. Last time you were here, we found out you had 100,000 followers on instagram and never post add a single photo. Thats true. Stephen so we did one photo you put on instagram and here it is. Theres the photo we put up. You know how i have 285,000 followers but still right up here it says one post. Its a year later and you can we do a second post just so its grammatically correct . Do you think its better just to have the one . You want to do two . Stephen i want to do one every time you visit. Okay. Stephen the only photos with me and the audience go on your instagram account. cheers and applause why not . stephen all right. Okay, come here. Here we go. All right. And lets flip this bad boy around. Okay, ready . Okay, everybody smile back there cheering oh, thats video. Thats video. Okay. Should we just have a video . Stephen one, two, three cheering awesome yes stephen rami malek, everybody busters mal heart is in theaters now rami malek well be back with our friend bill nye. cheers and applause band playing wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. Bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. So, the question you asked me. What is the key . So you can travel the world better. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . cheers and applause band playing stephen and were back my next guest is a television host, c. E. O. Of the Planetary Society, and an official science guy. Please welcome bill nye cheers and applause band playing there you go thank you so much cheers and applause well, standing ovation. Not everyone gets a standing ovation, bill. I heard about that. I heard its extraordinary cheers and applause stephen nice to finally meet you. Its been years. Stephen it science guy, did you just wake up one day and say my last name rhymes with guy. It could have been the fashion guy, the music guy, the napping guy. How did that come about . I was in a writers meeting with raj shaffer, head of the comedy show in seattle, so we needed to fill six minutes. Had this idea for the bit with liquid nitrogen because we have it around. Stephen at a comedy show you have liquid nitrogen around . The comedy bit was the household use of liquid nitrogen, which is the bit your nose comes off when you chew marshmallows. He said you could be bill nye the science guy. Then he closed his briefcase and went off to do his a long time ago but stuck with me. Another story, keay. Stephen keay. Keay davidson and he started the column Keay Davidson the science guy. I talked to him on the phone and i said, mr. Davidson, it doesnt rhyme. He said, thats good. So i stuck with it, bill nye the science guy. Im a check cal engineer. Stephen there is chatter on the internet youre bill nye the engineering guy. For four years, its physics cheers and applause im sorry, i took six semesters of calculus. Is that enough . Stephen youre also c. E. O. Of the Planetary Society. Yes. Stephen working on something called which is carl sagan. I took one class from carl sagan. My father was the amateur astronomer. Carl sagan talked about solar sailing back during the disco era, and, so, i joined the Planetary Society when it was started. One thing led to another. You know neil de grasse tyson. Stephen i do. Neil is very into wine. Stephen yeah. And there was a meeting of the board of directors, and something happened, and now im the c. E. O. Of the Planetary Society. Stephen because he got you into science . It wasnt the canadian gin, but things went fine. laughter heres the premise. This is remarkable. Light, although it has no mass, has momentum. Its pure energy. So if you can get a spacecraft into space above the atmosphere, the pressure of sunlight pushes it through was one of carl sagans dreams back in 1976. We tried launching one in 2005. It ended up in the berent sea which is part of the arctic. We wanted to launch another one, light sail two, same up with that ourselves. We were going to a higher orbit, 400 something miles stephen high than the space station. Oh, yeah, higher than the space station. Stephen tell me about the march for science that happened this past weekend. cheers and applause thank you very much so what were you marching for and why do we need to march for science. Isnt that a good question . So, in the u. S. Stephen im full of em. Now, from time to time, i get the sense, i watch the monologue, like everybody, and i get the impression your administration. Stephen im in a equestioning position of their priorities. Yeah, so in the u. S. Constitution, article one, section 8, it says shall promote the progress of science and useful arts. And if you have an administration thats in denial about the effects of climate change, if you have people who want to cut back funding for National Institutes of health and centers for disease control, that is probably not in anyones best interest. Yet theres a movement right now especially in the u. S. So we had a march for science. applause its a surprising thing somebody felt we needed that. Stephen heres Something Else you feel the world needs. Off new Netflix Series called bill nye saves the world. Yes stephen okay, that is a much bolder claim than merely science guy. How are you going to save the world, bill nye . Well, its a half hour. laughter the idea is we take a perspective of issues in society like climate change, vaccines, vaccinations. Stephen im in favor. And also we did a show on artificial intelligence. We addressed these issues from a scientific perspective because people have a great interest in it. People love science cheers and applause these are important issues because everybody when i was at the worlds fair in 1965, there were fewer than 3 billion people in the world. Now there are 7. 3, almost 7. 4 billion people, there are going to billion 9 billion people and 10 billion people and those people will want to eat and have access to water and electronic information. In order to have toes things, you have to have science stephen good luck saving the world. With your help, it will be a piece of cake. Thanks for having me. Its been fun stephen bill nye saves the world is on well be back with a performance by roger water stick around ch can be difficul. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. With e trade you see things your way. You have access to the right information and when you filter out the noise, its easy to turn your vision into action. Its your trade. E trade. Start trading today at etrade. Com inaudible singing yaaaa inaudible rapping are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. ® and muddle no more®. Intelligent technology can help protect it. The allnew audi q5 is here. This is how many people were born here. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. This is our town. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. Sometimes you capture the moment, and sometimes it captures you. Experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. Im dr. Kelsey mcneely and some day you might be calling me an energy farmer. Energy lives here. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Stephenu members of pink floyd. Here performing, deja vu, from his new album, is this the life we really want . Please welcome roger waters cheers and applause if i had been god i wouldve rearranged the veins in the face to make them more resistant to alcohol and less prone to aging if i had been god i wouldve sired many sons and i would not have suffered the romans to kill even one of them if i had been god with my staff and my rod if i had been given the nod i believe i could have done a better job and if i were a drone patrolling foreign skies with my electronic eyes for guidance and the element of surprise i would be afraid to find someone home maybe a woman at a stove baking bread, making rice or just boiling down some bones if i were a drone the temples in ruins the bankers get fat the buffalos gone and the mountain tops flat the trout in the streams are all hermaphrodite you lean to the left but you vote to the right and it feels like deja vu the sun goes down and im still missing you counting the cost of a love that got lost and under my gulf stream in circular pools theres 99 cents worth of drunkards and fools cheers and applause stephen i could hear it again. Roger waters tour us and them kicks off may 26 roger waters everybody well be right back. cheers and applause in my future, im twice as likely to have a stroke. Im at higher risk for depression. Im 26 more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat. I have a 65 higher chance of developing diabetes. No matter who we are, these diseases can be managed or prevented when caught early on. The right medicine, and with doctors who help keep me healthy to begin with, we will thrive. Narrator to do time is what is right. Ralph northam. Army doctor during the gulf war. Volunteer director of a pediatric hospice. Progressive democrat. In the senate, he passed the smoking ban in restaurants, stopped the transvaginal ultrasound antichoice law, and stood up to the nra. As lieutenant governor, dr. Northam is fighting to expand access to affordable healthcare. Ralph northam believes in making progress every day. And he wont let donald trump stop us. cheers and applause stephen hey, hey hey, how are ya . Hay thats it for the late show, everybody join us tomorrow. Ill have jon stewart, samantha bee, john oliver and rob corddry stick around for james corden and his guests Caitlyn Jenner and michael weatherly. Goodnight cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way