Domesticated 3,000 years ago in mesopotamia. laughter they produce both meat and eggs, as well as companionship. They are eaten by people like russian oligarch, riboflavin. Ramalamadingdong. Roboruhroe. Hes a russian with confirmed ties to chickens. More on that later when i discuss it with this chicken expert. laughter but back to the joke. Why did the chicken cross the road . Okay, what are roads . laughter why do we need them . Do tax dollars pay for roads . They do. What can be a road . Is it a highway, a road, track, or followed by a foot, cart, truck, bicycle, and, of course, other. And where is this roadcrossing chicken going . Maralago . Is it going to russia to be chicken kiev . These are important questions i will be answering. But whether or not youre a trump supporter, whether or not youve heard this joke before. It ought to give you pause that after all of this buildup, i still havent gotten to the punch line. So without further ado, why did the chicken cross the road . laughter the answer right after this break. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jessica lange. Bassem youssef. And judy gold. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. City, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey, how are you . Good to see you. Wooo hey cheers and applause hey, jon. Thanks, everybody. Weve got a lot to do, man. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Huge news about donald trump almost happened last night. laughter for years now, people wanted to see his tax returns. The only thing he hides more fiercely is the true color of his face. Im going to guess well, last night at around 7 30, Something Like that, our friend Rachel Maddow unleashed a force 5 tweeticon with weve got trump tax returns. Tonight, 9 00 p. M. , msnbc. Seriously. So important for News Networks to add seriously to any announcement, so the audience knows youre not pranking them, like you do its a long tradition in the news business. We all remember the hindenberg broadcast. Oh, the humanity the flames are going up. Im not yanking your chain, folks. For realsies stephen for reelzies. And we were all griewd to it. We all watched the twitter feed. And when 9 00 came, rachel took us on an emotional rollercoaster because, like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy. Rs this document has surfaced. It has been handed to a reporter, and thats an important part of this story. That may be the most important part of this story. Stephen shes got nothing. laughter then after 20 minutes of explaining what taxes are and who donald trump is, maddow was ready show us the tax return. We got it tonight, and i am but its a start, and our little piece of it. We just got it. Well go through it next. laughter . Stephen what a cliffhanger . Is this news or a reality show . I dont want to watch americas got 1040s. Probably be pretty good. Probably be pretty good. After the break, we phenylly got the longawaited revelations. What i have here is a copy of Donald Trumps tax returns. We have his federal tax return for one year, for 2005. He paid 38 million looks like 38 million in taxes. He took a big writedown of 103 Million Dollars more on that later. If you add up the lines for income, he made more than 150 million in that year. Stephen all right, lets see, 38 million, okay. What is it, 10 three million writedown. 150 million in income, that adds up to. Zero bleep being given. cheers and applause laughter check my math on that one. Yeah. Heres the deal we know hes rich already. All right. Be sure to tune in to rachel next special report, wolf wolf an exclusive look at what the boy cried. laughter but before rachel even went on the air, heres the deal its white house stole her thunder by releasing all the information on trumps tax return. So, apparently, i think this proves if they think you already have the information, trumps team is more than happy to confirm it. I guess nows a good time to tell the white house that someone fedexed me a urinesoaked videotape. Your move, guys. Who knows . Who knows whats in there . No idea. Could be anything. applause the white house statement also said, before being elected president , mr. Trump was one of the most successful businessmen in the world with a responsibility to his company, his family, and his employees to pay no more tax than legally required. Yes, donald trump does the minimum of everything. Thats how he became president by getting no more votes than legally required. laughter applause he got in there, anyway. cheers legally, legally hes president. Now, the show also revealed that maddow got trumps taxes because copies of the tax returns anonymously were put in the mailbox of journalist david cay johnston. But the president didnt buy that story because this morning, he tweeted does anybody really believe that a reporter who nobody ever heard of, went to his mailbox and found my tax returns . nbcnews, fake news laughter applause yeah. Does anybody . Really, seriously . Nobody. Come on. By the way, let me point out, its entirely possible donald sent this to me. Donald trump has over the years leaked all sorts of things. Donald has a long history of leaking material about himself when he thinks its in his interests. Stephen although, again, hes better known for watching other people leaking. laughter so, so, so laughter so maybe trump is his own leaker. laughter it sounds crazy. I realize that sounds crazy. But its no crazier than Kellyanne Conway suggesting our microwaves are cameras. Hello. cheers and applause and welcome to the late show microwave cam. Pro tip always remove your tinfoil hat before you stick your head in here or else it will start to spark. Ill set the microwave to truth. beeping laughter follow me here, okay. Maybe trump did leak his own tax returns from the year when he actually paid taxes, to dispel rumors that he hasnt paid taxes for 20 years. Or maybe this whole tax thing is just a distraction from the investigation into his connections to russia. Or maybe that is just a distraction from the fact that trumpcares dead on arrival. If you think about it, it makes sense. And if you dont think about it, it makes even better sense laughter applause but wait i will tell you, i will tell you where he really tripped up because and this is true on his tax return, on the line that asks, if you want to donate 3 to president ial election campaign, he checked yes. Okay . And then, a mere 11 years later, he conveniently runs for president of the United States and is able to collect his sweet 3 back. Follow the money follow the money how could you miss that, rachel how could you miss that . cheers and applause when we return, ill be talking to jessica lange. But first, well have the latest on Donald Trumps night of rallies. Stick around. But grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. Enjoy the go with charmin. The valiant taste times of death, but once of course, maam. My apologies. Cmon, caesar. Lets go. 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Give it up for the band cheers and applause all right, welcome back, everybody. Please im just gonna do this over here again, do it over here again because i have a very special announcement right now. I just found out right before the show something we didnt know. You know how we had the lateseason form stella . Well we made a little fun of the Weather Channel because theyre not allowed to name anything, but they do it anyway. Theyre not part of the government. And they named is winter storm staecialg so we made fun of them by rename it winter storm crazy balls. And it turns out, just having some fun, it turns out theyve got a sense of humor because theyve just told us and this is i can say this . Okay. Next year, for the winter storm season, the third storm, the letter c storm, will be winter storm colbert. cheers and applause there it is. Jon thats what were talking about wooo stephen its true. This is real. This is real. And i have i have always said it is so great that the Weather Channel does this. They should be part of the government. Theyre really such an important part of our culture. Jon right, right, right. Stephen looking forward to that next year. Please, everyone stay safe during winter storm colbert. Speaking of natural disasters, donald trump. Today, President Trump went to a rally in ypsilanti, michigan. And he talked about his close ties with the auto industry. During my first week in office, i brought American Auto companies to the white house. None of them ever got to see the oval office before, because nobody took them into the oval office, our president s. They employ tens of thousands of people, but i brought them into the oval office. Stephen its true. Trump was the first president to bring Auto Executives into the oval office. Hes also the first to bring in steve bannon, kfc lunch buckets, and that beeping houseplant he got from vladimir putin. Beautiful, never seems to be watered. And trump also talked about other big changes he plans now that hes in office. Our trade deficit last year reached nearly 800 billion. Nothing happened. But something did happen, happened on november 8. Believe me, it happened. Stephen always so inspirational when four months after the election, the president s message is, believe me, this happened. It reminds me of m. L. K. s this is not a dream speech. Wake up. I think thats how it goes. Jon i dont remember it like that. Stephen and tonight that was today, tonight the president is in nashville, tennessee, holding a huge rally in hopes of winning last years popular vote. laughter its going to happen. But meanwhile, the obamacare replacement, the trumpcare, is in huge trouble. Its too conservative for moderates and too moderate for conservatives. Its like a formula 1 race car made by volvo that runs on the tears of old people. laughter doctors hate it, retirees hate it, humans hate it, breitbart hates it this bill is so unpopular and offensive, trump might appoint it to his cabinet. laughter applause cheers what passing this bill could do to his reelection hopes. I think donald trump is going to get caught on this in 2020. I think this is a trap set for trump. Stephen oh, its a classic trump trap. laughter you know how to set a trump trap you just prop a box up with a stirk put a taco ball under it and do the trump call classy boobs classy boobs well be right back with jessica lange. I heard superheroes read chuck norris comics. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. 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Nice going further to keep drivers moving freely. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. band playing cheers and applause stephen i was just talking to pay no attention to the man behind the counter. Thanks. Welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a legendary actress who is currently portraying the legendary actress Joan Crawford in fxs feud. Bette, its todays work, its a good scene and joan likes it. I never said that. I agree with bette, the writing doesnt begin to capture how women get under each others skin. The intent is there. But the execution is lack lustre. You work on that. See what you can do. Well anxiously be awaiting a rewrite. I like that, anxiously awaiting. laughs . Stephen please welcome jessica lange. applause Stephen Lovely to meet you. Thank you for being here. Yes. Thank you for asking me. Stephen now, i dont know if anybody here, like the producer who talked to you before you came out here, told you that youre partially responsible for me being in show business. No stephen yeah, yeah. Why . Stephen why . Well, i was a young man in college studying philosophy, and i didnt know what to do with myself. I wasnt gog open a philosophy shop. And i came home from college, and my mom, while i was away freshman year, had gotten cable, now that i wasnt there anywhere g. M. laughter and i came home one night after being out with friends and there was this movie on that i had heard of but never seen called all that jazz. In all that jazz if you havent seen it, its a tremendous movieue play the inspiration to joel giddian yon. Youre death. Angel of death. Stephen youre the angel of death. , of course, stephen and i watched and i went, death doesnt look that bad. It looks pretty good. Its not a flattering portrayal of show business. No. Stephen and i just thought i have to be part of that. So thank you, thank you for helping suck me in to this circus world we live in now. That was fosse. He was really something, wasnt he in. Stephen i didnt know him but, yeah, what an extraordinary character. Yeah, yeah. Stephen the ugly looks beautiful and the ugly is beautiful in that world. No, i mean, and he really you know, with that film, i mean, he he really felt strongly about, like, this imaginary character, you know. And we were way over budget, way over schedule, and the studio didnt want to shoot it, and he really insisted, like, taking that last week and shooting all those scenes with the angel of death. Stephen that was shotar Everything Else was done . Yes, it was his fantasy of how he wanted to die. Which was great, i think. Stephen yeah. Well play a a perfection of beauty. He sees death as a perfection of beauty, as beautiful as a rose, he says. Yes. Stephen you and the rose are the same. Thats quite a compliment. That was. Yeah. Well, it was a long time ago. laughter . Stephen not at all. Not at all. I mean, everybodiy knows you as an actress, but youre also a photographer. Yeah. Stephen and youve done that for a lot of your life, right . You love photography. I do love photography. I havent been doing it that long. I was interested in it for a very long time pbut ive only been shooting myself not shooting myself. You understand. Stephen i understand the nomenclature. I have only been shooting about 15 years or so. Stephen you also made a childrens boong of both photography and youve written this childrens book. Yeah. Stephen its about a little bird. Right. Stephen its based on a true story. What is the true story . Well i was shooting thism was there by myself. And i one day was walking down the street, and there was, like, a bird market, and i bought this little canary and took it home. And it lived with me the whole time that i was working in rome. And then the film was over, and it was time to come back to the states. And i thought, well, what am i going to do with this bird . I cant just give it away or leave it. So i called some of these, like, you know, people that i assumed would know about this kind of stuff and asked, how do i get a bird back to the states . And they would, like they had no idea. You know, it was always like, oh, i think youre going to have to put him in quarantine for a year or so. Birds dont live that long to begin with. So it was and this was pre9 11. I always have to preface it by that. I put the bird in my pocket, and we went through passport control. And this little, beautiful little canary in my pocket, and we got on the airplane, and i took him out of my pocket, and put him in my handbag, and he had water and food. We made the flight. I took him back eye went to the bathroom with my handbag, and i took him back out of there, put him back in my pocket, and we went through customs, and stephen so your bag went through the xray thing way bird inside . And no one noticed . No, no, no, no xray. Pre9 11. You would just go through yeah. So, no. The bird was in my pocket. I mean, i just walked right through. laughter i mean, the bird wasnt in the when it went through, like, the bag. Stephen it wasnt in there. It wasnt in there. Then he was in my pocket. But he was great because stephen you are are you you are technically im a bird smuggler. Stephen youre an international criminal. I am. laughter applause i probably am. cheers right in the scheme of things, what are we talking about. Know. Its like theres a lot to it. Stephen they discourage the falconry down in the subways. laughter . So, so and then i started thinking in practical terms, well, what youre doing with a falcon is youre sending him out to kill. Youre sending him out to hunt. Stephen kill mice and rabbits. Rabbits and things. And i thought as much as i would love to have this relationship way falcon or a hawk, i dont know if i would really want to be involved in killing. Stephen oh. Are you a vegetarian . Yes. Stephen you are . Yeah. Stephen oh, thats very sweet. Thats very nice. I justue know, the idea of a falcon running down a rabbit was like stephen hes going to kill the rabbit anyway, you know, whether or not you ask him to. Whether or not im there. Stephen now, the the series on fx, its a short series, called feud. Its about Joan Crawford and bette davis, when they were making whatever happened to baby jane . , right . Well, its around that area eye mean that time. But it it goes back and forth because it covers a lot of their earlier life. It covers their later life. So its not just concentrated on that time. Stephen did they have a longterm feud . Well, you know, i think there was a lot of competition. I think there was a lot of i mean, you know, there was not they did not enjoy each other when they worked together. laughter yeah. Stephen you know youre not under oath. It will be fine. You really feel like youre testifying before congress right now. I do. Im trying stephen id qt id like a lawyer present before i answer that question. All that double speak that you hear. Im practicing. Stephen youre a famous actress. Do you have any fused out there . No. I mean, for instance stephen would you like one . laughter . I feud in my head with people. But i dont have like, now Kellyanne Conway, just in my head. Stephen in your head, yeah. cheers and applause well, you can open your microwave and yell right at her, right into the microwave. The thing, is really, if you got a scriptans actor, and that script came, you know, to you and, you know, they preface it by saying, youve been offered this part. Your agent calls you, youve been offered this part. One of the most important women in the government right now. Shes a counsel to the president. Shes a spokesperson. And then you pick up the you read it, and you think theyve got to be kidding. This is, like, are they you know, here youve got a scene where you talk about alternative facts . Youve got a scene where you, like, you know, imagine that, like, the microwave is turning into a camera. I mean, you go to the inauguration dressedaise nutcracker. laughter cheers and applause . Stephen just the lady to play. You could do such a good job. Cast this woman. Would you you can just hear that conversation between the actor, are you kidding me . Nobodys going to take this character seriously. Shes a joke. Stephen jessica, nobody does. laughter jessica lange, everybody. My belly pain i could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . 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Last time you were here, doctor, you said america this was in july you said, america had the healthy body of democracy with a large orange mole on its ass. laughter . Yeah. Stephen you are a former doctor. What is your prognosis now . Heres my professional opinion, stephen. And believe me, people should stop trying to diagnose the mole. Because nobody understands the malignant mole, a russian mole. It could be any kind of mole. laughter and i think we just have to focus on just getting rid of the mole. And because nobody. cheers and applause stephen youve got youve got a couple of projects out. One is youve got a book called revolution for dummies. Yes. Stephen okay, this book is out next week . Yes. Stephen next tuesday . Okay. You say you can use trump as a way to explain dictators to us. Yeah. Stephen where does trump fall on the dictator scale because hes not a dictator. What are things about his behavior that seem resonant to you. First of all, if he would run in the middle east, he would be considered a liberal hippie tree hugger. He would be grabbing bush every day. laughter applause stephen you mean tree, a small tree. Like smallin stephen small tree, exactly. And i think there is a lot that we can offer to trump to learn. I think hes learning fast. He just stephen middle eastern dictators could offer a lot to trump to learn how to dictate. To tune like fine tune his tyranny. And the book its thing is about the book, it kind of, like, you can use it for people as a warning of what can happen in fyou brainwash the masses. For trump it could be a guide. So you need to buy it before him. And solutions for dummies which trump would definitely buy. Stephen i have just learned the egyptian prosecutor has ordered the release of hosni mubarak. What do you think of that . How long has he been in jail . He was never in jail. He was in a hospital room for four yiers. Which also proves the middle east is the best place for dictator to retire. You can kill, you can torture, you can be corrupt, you can going to be off the hook. Which is why we should invite trump to go there. Stephen because they would appreciate him in ways that we dont . And you would appreciate that hes gone. So it would be great to have him. Stephen now, we have this segment we do on the show here. Its called big furry hat. Yeah. Stephen and where i go up there and i make declarations to the people. You noticed that was it mubarak or morsi. Morsi. Stephen morsi wore a big hat. Yes. Stephen and you mocked him 2013. Stephen on your show by wearing a big, stupid hat. laughter and how did that turn out for you . Oh, i i was there was a warrant for my arrest. I went there stephen after this. Yeah, yeah. I was i was interrogated for six hours. It was funny because the guy who was interrogating me and the lawyers in the room were laughing at the jokes, because he was interrogating me about things i said in the the beginning of the of the interrogation, he said, we have some cds for you, your episode, so we can review it. And they tried for 15 minutes to play it on this outdated windows 95 computer. And i tried to help them. laughter because it was taking too long. Stephen right. So i was actually helping them to play the evidence against me, which is crazy. But that is, like, thats like only one of the few things that happened to me. I was accused of insulting the president , insulting islam, spreading false rumors. Later under the current regime i was insulted of accused of insulting the army, being a secret operative. But the craziest accusation i ever had was they accused me of being recruited by the c. I. A. Through jon stewart. Stephen they said that jon stewart was a recruit gr who c. I. A. To bring down the country through satire. Stephen and you and i both know you and i both know, thats not true. Of course. Stephen because that would mean im probably an agent, too, because ive known jon longer than you have. Yeah. Stephen and the idea that jon is recruiting us is a terrible idea. Do you think hes actually in an animal farm . laughter . Stephen ill tell you what i love. My favorite thing about you being arrested if youll pardon me having a favorite thing. Please gr i. Stephen im a hewn fan of you being arrested. When you were arrested you turned yourself in, and a crowd of people went with you and this is, again, after you wore this hat, mocking the president. You were arrested and you showed up. laughter wearing the hat. cheers and applause thats the real deal. Thank you. Stephen thats a comedian. Thank you. Stephen thank you. And thank you very much. Stephen, because i am the third middle eastern in only two weeks to be hosted on this show. And i just want to ask you, are you turning us in . laughter is there some secret lobotomy operations happening inside . Is in the middle eastern version of get out . laughter . Stephen no, and im definitely not recruiting you for the c. I. A. Definitely definitely stephen bassem, lovely to see you again. His book, revolution for dummies, and his documentary, tickling giants, are out tuesday. Bassem youssef, everybody. Well be right back with judy gold. Stick around. Success has always been measured in zeros. But shouldnt it be about firsts . And seconds. How about adding a third . We think theres a bajillion ways to measure success. And whether you have hundreds or millions. This at night. This is thw e neessuccors sty. And at tiaa, were with you. Start today at tiaa dot org. I dont think thats how theyre made. Klondike hooks up with tasty flavors. The best ice cream bars ever conceived. Our powerful relief now in pill form. 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I know this is sudden, but they say. If you love something set it free. See you around, giulia band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an emmywinning comedian and podcaster. Please welcome judy gold. applause thank you for having me cheers experience. Were in central park. The raccoons were on stage with us. Stephen oh, no, there were lots of animals. It was unbelievable. It was like you were at the zoo. Stephen you are in a scene and you could be upstaged by a heron flying by you. Youre at the most serious part, and all of a sudden, the audience is crack up. And youre like, whats going on . And there is a raccoon running across the stage. It was really fun. Stephen you have a podcast which is called kill me now. laughter its a message of home. laughter what is pissing you off now . What are the things that you want people to kill you now about . Well, theres one thing that pisses me off constantly, and his name is trump. laughter but, you know, what i find really annoying about him . He is the only native new yorker who has never been to therapy. And he needs therapy more than any human being. cheers and applause ever so he really im in a constant state of being pissed off because of him. You know what really has really gotten to me lately . The fact that everyone has a food issue now. Like, i love to eat. And you cant just meet someone and go, hey lets meet here and well go eat. Oh, i dont eat that. I dont eat that. It is so annoying. It started this is my theory it startedly in the 80s. Remember when everyone was lactose intolerant. I cant eat dairy. I cant drink milk. Everyone has explosive diarrhea every now and then. You dont give up an entire food group. Now everyone is gluten i cant with the gluten free. Im sorry. I cannot. We have been eating wheat for thousands of year. Its in the bible, manna, bread, bread, manna and now its like did you ever not kidding. I have a lot of glutenfree friends and theyre annoying and overweight stephen you had glutenfree friends. I had gluten stephen till just now. Touche. Every time i see a glutenfree friend theyre always eat something sort of cake or brownie. And youre like, wait, i thought i was gluten free. Oh, its a gliewtsenfree brownie, judy. It tastes exactly like a brownie. Whats in it . Theres no eggs, theres no dairy, theres no flour. Theres no chocolate. Try it, judy, it tastes exactly it tastes like a piece of cardboard with black sharpie on it. Thats what it tastes like. Stephen but gluten free. But it is gluten free, and im not having gluten, gluten, gluten. Stephen also, youre in an upcoming series on showtime called im dying up here. Kill me now, and im dyingup here. I see a theme stephen this is a series about standup in the 1970s. Right. Stephen you play a standup in the 1970s. Right. Stephen when is this . I i remember standup in the 70s, because there was a shift. When steve martin came along tchanged. Suddenly he was so huge, it changed what you can do on stage. When does this take place . Its about that time. And its really the start of remember, the boom was really in the 80s, you know. And we wee got so much stage time because every place had a comedy club, you know. And this takes place around that time. I actually i know this is going to be shock i play an older comedian. laughter laughter who stephen you know what they say, comedy is an old mans game. Thats right. And im an old man. Name of a comedy club you played . Ill tell you my dumpest. My dumpest was in baton rouge, louisiana. It was called the grin room. It was the dumbest place. The grin room . Stephen the grin room. I mean oh, god bompt has to be hahas. Im not kidding, hahas comedy club. Thats like naming a comedy club l. O. L. S. Stephen or restaurant yumyum. Judy it was lovely to see you. Thank you for having me. Late show. Now stick around for james corden and his guests Reese Witherspoon and tony goldwyn. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org. Good evening, welcome to the show, well, lets not waste any time. We have a World Exclusive tonight. We have got here in our possession Donald Trumps tax returns. We got them. We got them. We got them. We are joined tonight by reggie