And comedian tom papa. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen Whoooo Whoooo whoooo whats that . Whats that . Thats right jon yeah cheers and applause hey stephen thank you. Thats very nice. Thats so nice. Thats lovely. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephwo thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. cheers and applause so kind. Thats so kind. Lovely. Thank you so much for chanting my name. It is my favorite christmas carol. laughter welcome to thlate show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. Now cheers and applause theres a lot going on in the world. Donald trump is. Out there. laughter hes getting ready to break yet another president ial tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. Other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. But, a longtime cheers and applause but a ng trumps says she wants to give him a nineweekold golden doodle. Speaking of trumps lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president , theyve got some big plans, because Mitch Mcconnell, Senate Majority leader and soda shop owner with a dark secret says, repealing obamacare would be the first item up in the new year. Obviously, first is get a gym membership, maybe at soul cycle, though im not sure that Mitch Mcconnell has a soul. Now, republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for years now, of course. And while the repeal appears to be just around the corner, the g. O. P. Plans to delay an obamacare replacement for as long as three years. What . What . What . laughter am i hearing that right . Youre going to take healthcare away from 20 million americans, then just figure out how to fix it later . Thats like jumping out of a plane and then knitting your laughter cheers and applause jon you dont want to do that. You dont want to do that. Stephen this was an exhausting election, but thankfully, its finally over. Is a thing i would love to say. Unfortunately, for the good folks in louisiana, theyre holding a final Runoff Election for the u. S. Senate tomorrow. Thats right. A runoff, named because at this point, one more election makes you want to run off a cliff. Now runoffs are typically very low turnout. In order to raise awareness of this important election, right now, our resident louisianian, jon batiste, would like to speak directly to his home state. Jon, if you would, please . Jon oh, yeah. Thank you, stephen. Thank you. cheers and applause okay, listen up, fellow louisianians. Im going to say this in words we can all understand. Its time for you and ya momma and dem to make a pass to the voting booth, ya dig . Its no time for comme ci, comme ca. You got to chose between frank ocean and harry connick, jr. , lil weezy. Let da bon ton roule in da internet and da future is ours, sha papadeaux Breaux Bridge bayou tesh, ya hear voulezvous coucher avec moi, cest soir. So, remember, on saturday, december 10, if you live in louisiana, speak the language of democracy. Go vote, you hear me cheers and applause stephen thank you, jon. cheers and applause thats true. Now, i only caught a little part of what you just said, but i assume it was great. Also it gave me a weird craving for crawfish, so thank you, sir. Jon oh, yeah, thats good. Stephen speaking of food, you know, the phillies team, they have a stadium nut vendor you might know, called the for antics like this emily youcis is the pistachio girl, they call you. Thats right, baby pistachios im the pistachio girl, thats right. Everybody loves the pistachio girl. Say, pistachios stephen that is my favorite bob seger song of all time. Well, fun story this week, the pistachio girl was fired for being an avowed white nationalist. Then why is she selling pistachios . Cracker jacks has cracker right in the name laughter and applause now thats the natural fit. Thats the fit. Now, obviously, this is upsetting. This is shocking. No one ever expects a beloved nut vendor to be the type of person walnuts oh, yeah its walnut oclock, and im buyin, yeah stephen you guys hear that . Its our beloved late show singing walnut boy. Walnuts the nuts are back in town i say wal, you say nuts wal audience nuts wal audience nuts oh, yeah cheers and applause yeah yeah yeah, stephen, you know it. Walnuts, theyre the master nut stephen what . Wait, wait, what did you just say . Did you say master nut . That sounds racist. No, no, stephen. I believe all people are equal, regardless of race. But i do believe walnuts are ordained by god as the superior nut. Yeah stephen wait, wait, so please stop throwing those. Some people might have an allergy. Now, so, youre saying there are inferior nuts out there . Thats right, stephen. Almonds lack the omega3 fatty acid of walnuts. , i mean, right . Come on, go back to almond land, almonds get out of town stephen no, no, stop it. I think almonds and walnuts are just equally fine nuts. What . Did you know that the declaration of independence was signed on a walnut desk . Meanwhile, you cant find walnut pie anywhere. Pecans are stealing all the nut jobs laughter stephen all right, walnut boy. Im just not comfortable with your nutrageous conspiracy theories, okay . Were going to have to let you go. You cant silence me unmix the nuts unmix the nuts everybody unmix the nuts stephen stop it no. No one join your stupid chant. Were mixing the nuts. This isnt nutzi germany. Hey, thats a good one, stephen. Im going to use that one. Walnuts stephen walnut boy, everybody. Youre fired. Youre fired, walnut boy. Get out of here we have a great show for you tonight. Olivia munn and Martin Freeman are here. But first, im going to play a little game about donald trump. You can win big money. Stick around. band playing cheers and applause how else do you think he gets around so fast . Take the reins this holiday and get the mercedesbenz youve always wanted during the winter event. Now lease the 2017 gla250 for 329 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Thats your underwearstrong, dude. Cleaner. So clean. Keeps you could wear them a second day. Rong. Its 4 times stronger, and you can use less enjoy the go with charmin. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Only at t offers you all your live channels and dvr on your devices, datafree. Its entertainment. Your way. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. My doctor says i havey, whats skittles pox. Are they contagious . I dont think so. Contract the rainbow taste the rainbow people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. So were offering incredibly fast 150 meg internet, just in time for the holidays. Hurry, freddy, youre gonna miss it coming. I cant believe he is doing this. Its so fast that in the 3. 7 seconds it takes gary watson to beat the local sled jump record, held by gary watson. Fly, gary, fly. His friend can download 13 different versions of the perfect song. His sister can live stream it. While his mom downloads how to se a dislocated shoulder, all at the same time. Gary. Equal upload and download speeds, tv and phone for just 79. 99 per month online for the first year, plus a 200 dollar visa prepaid card with a twoyear agreement. Visit getfios. Com or call 1888getfios to learn more. Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Only from fios. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the greatest band on television the greatest band. cheers and applause folks, youre definitely going to want to tune in next week. We have some fantastic guests. Miranda lambert, liam neeson, john goodman, james franco, neil patrick harris, and a special performance from the one and only jon batiste and stay human. Jon oh, yeah. Yes, indeed. cheers and applause stephen i did not actually know we had such great guests next week. I wasnt going to do any shows, but im going to do them now. Because if the guests are going to be here, i should really be here. Jon yeah, you should be here. Stephen or else, what kind of host are you, if you throw a party and you dont show up for your own party . Jon you got to be there. Stephen thats crazy billionaire behavior and im not there yet. laughter going to get there, though. Now, folks, also next week, we might tell some jokes about donald trump. But well see. Because, the thing is, were learning so much about donald trump, and heres the best part, were actually learning things from donald trump. For instance, hes teaching us that there are a lot of things that president s do that we all assumed are laws, but they are actually just norms we got from previous president s, like the norm where you win by getting the most votes. Not a law. Difference between a norm and a law in our new segment, norm or law . cheers and applause okay, heres the deal. Heres how it works. Its not too complicated. If i describe something thats a norm, like holding the door for someone at starbucks, youll hear this norm stephen if instead i describe something that is a law, like not Holding Someone hostage at starbucks, youll hear this law order theme stephen first up on norm or law . , unlike every other candidate for the past 40 years, donald trump refused to release his tax returns, and we need to see a president s tax returns to know if hes a crook. Fun fact, the first president to release his taxes said this i am not a crook. laughter stephen fun fact crook. laughter but is a candidate releasing his re norm stephen yes, its just a norm. And heres the crazy part while the president doesnt have to release his tax returns, cabinet and subcabinetlevel positions are required to submit their tax returns to the senate. So, lowerlevel positions are held to a higher standard than the president. Thats like walking into a restaurant bathroom, and the sign says, all employees must wash hands, except the chef. laughter disturbing. Disturbing. applause next up on norm or law . , trump is the richest man ever to be president , which is quite an achievement considering several of the first ones had unpaid farming interns. So, will trump laughter thats true. I didnt make that one up. So will trump use the presidency to help his business . Previous president s sold off their investments or put them in someth which i believe is also the slogan on trumps new hat. So, trumps going to do the same because thats the law, right . Norm stephen nope, its just a norm. Turns out, the strict federal rules about financial conflicts of interest do not apply to the president , whose incentive to avoid selfenrichment is simply assumed. Yes, its assumed. And when you assume about trump, it makes an ass out of you and me. cheers and applause and, and, i think we know whos grabbing that ass. laughter but trumps companies are all over the world. Is there any law stopping foreign governments from throwing business his way to get special treatment, or is it just a norm . law order theme stephen oh, thank god. And this ones in the constitution. Those are the big laws. Its called the emoluments clause, which is a fancy word for bribe. The founders knew that even honest people might betray their values for cash. Its human nature. Just like its human nature to enjoy the great taste of activia yogurt. Mmmmmmmmm. Activia. Be right back. laughter applause so what about daily Intelligence Briefings . Its crucial for the commander in chief to be constantly updated on threats around the world, but so far, trump has been opting out of them. Thats right, hes just opting out. Donald trump is treating our National Security like i treat emails from pottery barn. Stop Nuclear Proliferation . Unsubscribe so so laughter cheers and applause that yogurt is really good. laughter so is refusing to be informed violating a norm or law . Norm stephen yep. But dont worry. According to trump advisor kellyanne conway, instead of briefings from the c. I. A. , trump gets his information from a number of sources, including his personal and onthephone meetings with over whats now 41 world leaders. First of all, kellyanne, no one says over 41. You can say over 40 or almost 50, but when you say over 41, we all know youre just trying to make 42 sound a little bit bigger. laughter and theres a reason president s dont get their news about other countries from those countries leaders. Because foreign leaders lie about their countries. Like fidel castro, who, until last week, would not admit that he was dead. laughter well, thats it for this edition of norm or law . , but i have a feeling well len about whats technically legal over the next few years for instance, whether we keep the norm that america has laws. And well be right back, with olivia munn. cheers and applause band playing band playing manolo youre so cold, come in whats wrong . Its dry. Your scalp . Mine gets dry in the winter too. Try head and shoulders dry scalp care it nourishes the scalp and. Keeps you up to 100 flake free knows how it feels to see your numbers go up,tes despite your best efforts. But what if you could turn things around . What if you could love your numbers . Discover oncedaily invokana®. Its the 1 prescribed sglt2 inhibitor that works to lower a1c. Invokana® is a pill used along with diet and exercise to significantly lower blood sugar in adults with type 2 diabetes. 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Tell your doctor about any medical conditions and medications you take. Using invokana® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Its time to turn things around. Lower your blood sugar with invokana®. Imagine loving your numbers. Theres only one invokana®. Ask your doctor about it by name. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my guest tonight from the daily show, the newsroom and xmen apocalypse. Her new movie is Office Christmas party. Please welcome the lovely olivia munn. cheers and applause cheers and applause hello stephen olivia munn. Hello. Stephen its lovely to see you again. Nice to see you, too. We had an awkward do we two kiss, do we onekiss . Stephen i didnt know whether to do the onekiss or twokiss. I never know. I dont like the twokiss. Its so you know, when you see people, and theyre like, im european, we have to. Stephen right. Well, im american. I do what i want. laughter stephen thats true, thats true. Its in the constitution. It is stephen only kiss people on the cheek once. Thats true. Stephen the last time you were here, i had some fun with your mom. You did . Stephen remember . Remember i texted your mom using your phone . You did. Stephen the last time you were here, and i sent her this text that said can we do this . Your moms name is kim. And i said kim, colberto here. Happy for the engagement and she wrote you this back hey, olivia, did you send me this text . I dont know what you mean. laughter and then later, i stephen because you were in fact not engaged. I was not engaged, and and you made that confusing for my mother. Stephen yes. Thats what i do. But now, shes very excited because once she saw it on tv, shes convinced that shes very, very famous. And shes like, oh, you know, every come up to me in oklahoma and say, oh, i see you on hey, mom. And she thinks, like everybody come up to me. Sometimes its hard, you know. Everybody come up. Its very hard. Everybody want to say hi. Yeah, shes having a hard time. Its hard to be a celebrity. Shell tell you. Stephen she has to look her best when she walks outside. She loves getting texts from you. Stephen does she . Let me text her again. I, i actually well, heres my phone. Stephen lets do it. Oh, i have to open it for you. Stephen whats your code . I like how you thought your fingerprint would work. Stephen well. laughter i never know, i never know. There it is, mom. Stephen all right. What up, kim . Question mark. Colbert here. Boy, thats poorly spelled cole its colebear, like cole and then bear, like bear. Stephen its just transcribing everything were saying to each other right now. laughter im going to send this to your mother. Boy, what i just sent your mother is what up, kim . Colebear here, for thats poorly spelled, cold and its transcribing everything we are saying to each other right now. Please apologize your mother for me. Im so sorry. Its going to come through soon. Its going to come through in a second. Stephen thats more confusion than i wanted to inflict on her. Im going to leave it here, just so i see in case she does. Stephen how is your mom doing . I understand you took your whole family to a psychic recently . Yeah, my family a good friend of mine is theresa caputo. Shes the long island medium. I dont know if youve seen her show. But she asked me to bring my family on to her show, and i said no, at first, because my family is great, but they are theyre not supposed to be on tv, i dont think. But especially like psychic tv shows because, you know, on those shows theyre really wanting big reactions stephen yeah, they want emotional moments, when they remember something about, like, a deceased loved one or something. Because they are speaking to thople that have passed on. Like, theyre talking to your dead loved ones and you have to have reactions that are, like, fitting. Like, oh, my gosh this is, like, amazing. My family, theyre a bunch of intellects and theyre very subdued, and even though i told her they wouldnt be great, she insisted, we should have them on anyway. So, were doing the reading and she goes to my brother first. My brother is johnny, and she says, johnny, do they call you johnjohn . Does everybody call you john john . And we do, we call him mr. John john, and nobody would know that. And i was like, oh, my gosh. We do. Right . And he was like, yeah. laughter shes like, okay. So she moves on to my mom, and she said, im feeling like, do you have a necklace . Are you wearing a necklace, or is there something from a grandmother . Now, i have to say, i made the mistake before doing the reading, and i told my mom, dont give any information. Just say yes or no, because you have to, you know, just let them tell you everything. So my mom is sitting there as if shes being interrogated by the police. laughter and shes so just so reserved. And she says, do you have a necklace, a thing from a grandmother, a necklace from a grandmother . My mom goes i dont know. Maybe, no, yeah. I dont know. And im like and she goes, i feel like you you dont have a necklace with you . And my mom is like, maybe. And so at this point im like, okay, i have to, like, mediate the medium now, and so i said, mom, its okay, you can just say yes or no. Do you have a necklace or not . And she goes, yeah. And i said, well, where is it . And she says, over there in my purse. I said, well, who is it from . Your grandma. Im like, so, when she was asking if you had a necklace from a grandmother, why didnt you say anything . And she said, because it wasnt on me. It was with me in my purse. And i said oh, that was the distinction. Stephen your mom is a tough nut to crack. She is. But th everybodys you know, i wanted everybody to have a great reaction. Because, you know, shooting it, i wanted her to have a good tv show, shes legit, i think. And i said, oh, my mom, isnt that amazing . See, johnny, she didnt know that your name was johnjohn. Mom, how would she know about the necklace you brought with you from grandma . And she goes, oh, yeah. I know, i believe. I feel it, all the time. No big deal. I was like, i told you, dont put my family on tv. Stephen did did oh, here is my mom. Stephen what did she say . What are you talking about . Are you mad at me . laughter stephen just say, its Stephen Colberts fault. Okay, its oh, lets see what she says back. Stephen colberts stephen ask her if shes wearing a watch. laughter from your greatgrandfather. Im feeling psychic connection. Do you when i go to psychics and ive only been a couple times because im an adult. laughter but you believe. Stephen i do not. I do stephen what . I was desperate a girl broke up with me this was a long time ago. Oh, okay. Stephen i went to a psychic and she got the first three things she asked about me wrong. But what did i say . Yes, youre absolutely right. Because youre so nice. Stephen no, because i no, no, because i didnt want to upset the juju. I thought that maybe if i if she just got three right, shed feel more confident and shed start guessing real things about me. Yeah, yeah, because im willing to believe anything, because im an adult and im a catholic. laughter now, Office Christmas party. I have this great can you explain this photo to me . Shooting Office Christmas party. At the end of the day. Did you tweet this . I instagrammed that. This was my hand after i had to stab it with a ballpoint pen, because kate mckinon was told to just do whatever you want in a scene. And that is how funny she is. She was doing stephen so, this was to keep you from laughing you stabbed yourself in the hand. She was it was she was just doing fart jokes, but it was just really, really funny. And i had i was ruining the you know, like, its not funny at first, everyone laughs when you laugh and after a while they think its annoying. So i had to take a pen and stab my hand underneath to stop from laughing. Stephen uhhuh. It didnt really work. But i i i have some ink poisoning now. Stephen we have an Office Christmas party actually coming up, a week from thursday, right . A week from thursday. And we had Jason Bateman on. Yeah. Stephen recently, for the same movie, and we invited him to our christmas party. You want to come to our Office Christmas party . Yes is he going, too . Stephen if you go. laughter i will go. How crazy do you guys get . Stephen well, actually, its funny that you say that, because our show runner today had a meeting with the staff and he said, have a good time, not a great time. laughter which is very important at Office Christmas parties. In this movie, which one do we get, a good time or a great time . Its whatever goes above great. Stephen we have a clip here of you and Jason Bateman going a little bit too far, i think. Being awesome. Which is what i meant originally. Jim . Okay, you ready . Okay, you look ridiculous. Lets get ridiculous is it the hat . Hey, merry christmas, everybody talking about the holidays ridiculous the place to be i whipped up, flipped up a tasty treat so get lift up and move your feet yeah this is how i roll white, no lenses, big afro i rock lafreak so animal and i drop that beat i make the crowd go ho cheers and applause stephen that was good choreography. I couldnt watch because my mom was texting. Are you with Stephen Colbert . If so, tell him i say hi. Tell him, be nice to me. I am olivias mom. Hope to meet him some day . Stephen olivias mom, you are welcome to come here any time you want. Olivia, lovely to see you again. Thank you so much stephen Office Christmas party is in theaters today olivia munn, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause band playing ok, let me explain. This is your tax return. Ok. Now, there are many right ways to fill out this tax return. And the irs will accept them all. One of them gets you the most money back. Isnt that the one you want . Thats the one i want. Thats the one you want. Mmm. You touched all these. Dont just get your taxes done, amy. Get your taxes won. I thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. It scared me and caused a lot of disappointment and how i feel about myself. Wearing depend underwear has helped me feel more connected to the people around me. I know that im protected, im not thinking about bladder leakage and im meeting people. I feel really grateful just to be absolutely free. Is more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Oooh. Wowww. There it is. Its the red tag sales event and people are excited to bring in the new year with a new chevrolet. Im a huge chevy fan. How would you feel about starting 2017 in a new chevy . It sounds wonderful. Honestly, i would take any one. Oh heck yeah i want to get one tomorrow. Fantastic turn it on, lets go. Its the red tag sales event. Get two deals in one. Find your tag for an average total value over forty three hundred dollars on chevy equinox. Hurry, the red tag sales event ends january 3rd. This is the time the time for harmony let love be the song that everybody sings fill the air with joyful noise ring the bells and raise your voice let there be peace on earth let there be peace on earth s. C. Johnson, a family company. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest tonight my next guest tonight is an Emmy Award Winning actor best known for the hobbit, the Television Series fargo, and as dr. Watson on sherlock. So, how is it going there, fatherhood . Oh, good, great. Yeah, amazing. Getting anything sleep . Of course not. Beck and call of a screaming demanding baby, woken up at all hours to obey his every whim. Must be very different. Im sorry, what . Yes, well, you know how it is, all you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head. You two having a little joke . Never a word of thanks. Cant even tell peoples faces apart. This is a joke, isnt it . And its all arent you clever . Youre so, so clever. Is it about me . He needs winding. You know, i think that really might be it. Nope, dont get it. Stephen please welcome Martin Freeman. cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause thank you. Stephen i was just admiring your jacket backstage. Thats fantastic. Thanks. Stephen i like the double breasted. I like the very tailored cut. You look like youre ready to launch a frigate. You Better Believe it, baby. Stephen right, admiral, welcome aboard. Thank you. Stephen horn youre going to pipe me aboard. Stephen i will pipe you aboard. Id love you to pipe me. laughter stephen i dont know if you can say that on cbs. We just did. laughter stephen speaking of piping you, this is a great time of year to see Martin Freeman naked, because oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen because they keep on the tv theyre playing love actually. They do, right. Stephen and last night my wife and i were doing the christmas cards, and we had love actually on a Little Christmas movie while were doing the cards, and we looked up and there you are, naked. laughter do you ever do you ever watch it yourself and go, god, i was glorious . I only watch that bit. That bit, yeah, yeah, yeah. I will edit Everything Else out, i just want to see me. Stephen its not a long bit. Its just a short bit. But its laughter is there going to be a sequel . Is there going to be a sequel, where we get to see how things are holding up with you and anything like that . You dont need that. Stephen love eventually. Love eventually, yeah. Love already . No, no, i like the film, though. Stephen its a delightful film. Its quite big here, isnt it . Stephen its not big over there . Its big there, but its almost like it seems to be almost like part of the holiday tradition. Stephen it is. It is now, love actually is part of the holiday tradition over here. Yeah . cheers and applause theyll say anything i tell them to. Theyll say anything i tell them. This much power is very dangerous. Stephen it is very dangerous in one mans hands, yeah. Now, do happy christmas . I want to say merry christmas. You guys say happy christmas . I would say either. I always used to say merry but now i find myself saying happy christmas. Stephen yeah . Which was is english more traditional for merry or happy . I think its a slight class thing. I have a feeling that i think merry is kind of for the masses. And i think middleclass people say happy christmas, i think. I think. Stephen because we in america, the only time we say merry is for christmastime. Theres no other reason for you to say it. Stephen no. We dont say, like, merry anything but merry christmas. Merry meade. Yeah, dont say anything like, give me a glass of merry meade. It just sounds medieval. Stephen we never we dont say the word meade, my friend. laughter neither do we, but im saying thats the kind of thing you might say if you were feeling english. Stephen ill have some merry meade. Merry meade. Stephen yeah, sure, ill have a yard of meade. laughter merry guv. Id love a meade. Stephen mmhm. Mmhm. Stephen mmm. I cant remember what we were talking about now. Who cares . Stephen well, the thing that i mean, obviously, you know, im a huge tolkien fan. I didnt know that, no. laughter i had no idea. Tell me again. laughter stephen youre making me sad, Martin Freeman. Im so delighted that you its been about four seconds since ive heard you Say Something about tolkien. Stephen i was going to use that to pass on i was going to say i was going to say that while im a huge tolkien fan, the thing i like most about your work, or did until you became a bitch laughter and applause was is sherlock. Thats really, i cant im so excited for the new season. Oh, thank you. Me, too. I think its potentially, if we havent messed it up, these three episodes of sherlock, i think will be the best ones. Theyre fantastic. Stephen thats hard to believe, because theyve been so fantastic so far. cheers and applause no, but really, and im not even saying that to get a pavlovian response from your acolytes. Im saying that for real, like this could be like, i think theyre the strongest stephen are you saying because its going to be the last season . Dont say that. I dont know. We never know, really. Stephen do you ever get do you ever get upset that he, benny batch, gets to be the smart one . laughter because youre not because youre not dumb in the series. No, not at all. Stephen but hes extraordinary. And o stephen the super smart guy. He does, he does. Stephen do you ever think, why cant i be the super smart guy . Do you ever want that . Well, i mean, okay, i mean i have been cast as, you know, not imbeciles. You know. laughter stephen uhhuh, uhhuh. But i think it would be a little it would be a bit much if i insisted that john watson was cleverer than sherlock holmes. I think that that would just satisfy my ego, yeah. Stephen just once. Like, he get drunk and you, like, take some iawaska tea or something and you can figure it out, and he cant. Wouldnt that be fun . I think what you see in this show is the balance of his amazing brain and his great intellect, which is kind of, you know, way beyond anybody elses. But john kind of what john brings to it is, he humanizes it. And hes able to sort of hold sherlocks hand through life and go, this is actually how real people think and this is how stuff works, you know, while sherlock is going off on these amazing kind of fireworks of intellect, john is going, yeah, but weve got to pay the rent. Or you realize you just hurt someones feelings there, because sherlock doesnt see that. Stephen no, and he also has a kind of stifled emotional life, too. Yeah, he does. Stephen but your fans your fans do noha whats the opposite of a stifled emotional life . Because thats what they have. Stephen and they a wild erotic imagination. laughter because they they are theres a fair amount of fan art of watson and holmes, and ambers and ace. Have you seen any of that stuff . I have done some of them. Stephen well, good laughter that could be in the sequel of love actually, actually. Ian mcclellan has sent you some of this stuff. I just want you to know whats out there. Your fans are very enthusiastic. When we were in new zealand doing this film, the hobbit, i dont know if you knew that stephen what, what . Why did i bring it up . Stephen oh, lord. We were doing the hobbit. And he said to me, i dont know if youve seen this and he sent me an email of one of these pictures it was laughter cheers it was certain stephen i would it was it was stronger than that one. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen oh, my god. I would be so flattered if i would be so happy. Me too, yeah. But no, he was just saying, you know, do you know that this is all going on . And i did. I did know that was going on. Yeah, and its nice. Stephen there was a little criticism for one of the seasons because it implied that the royal family was being blackmailed by a dominatrix, or Something Like that . Yeah, yeah. Stephen you cant say that about the royal family. Do you care about that . Or theyre just folks down the road . I mean, clearly i mean, obviously the answer is, i dont care about that. You know, because stephen why not . Youre a subject. laughter listen, thats nothing compared to what youre going to be in january. audience reacts cheers and applause stephen well, thats all we have thats all we have time for, Martin Freeman. Thank you so much for the new season of sherlock premieres january 1 on masterpiece on pbs. Martin freeman, everybody. Bilbo well be right back with comedian tom papa. Try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. Aplets. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing ervice maam. This isnt a computer. Rd, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. 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The east and the west are mine. The north and the south are mine. All seems beautiful to me. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Whoo folks, my next guest tonight has a new comedy special that premiered today on epix. Please welcome tom papa cheers and applause good to see you guys. Good job, everybody good job you did it youre alive another day you made it not a small thing. Not a small thing. Its hard being a person, isnt it . laughter its hard. All the stuff youve got to do just to take care of you, just the physical maintenance of you. All the brushing and the cleaning and the wiping of you. laughter its like youre your own pet. laughter and some people dont take care of their pet very well. Theyre walking arou. They dont look like they eat right. Just the checklist of stuff you have to do to get out of the house to look somewhat decent. I saw a guy walking down 6th avenue this summer, im walking the other way, businessman, perfect suit, tie, leather shoes, briefcase, perfect glasses, perfect hair, fly open, one testicle out. laughter just didnt check that one box. laughter just on his way to a meeting. Probably on his way back from a meeting. laughter yeah. Thats the other thing as an adult, no one tells you. They probably looked him right in the eye in that meeting. Look at this guy. He has no idea. Im not going to tell him. Ive got my own problems. I dont know if i put on deodorant today. No one tells you. Youre completely alone. When youre little, they tell you, hey, zip up your fly. Put on deodorant. Brush your teeth. No, now youre totally on your own. Tell you. You have to talk to yourself all day long, give yourself little pep talks, like a crazy person. I got my wallet, got my cell phone. Okay, i got my keys. Okay, going to be a good day, going to be a good day. The only difference between you and a crazy person is that they say it out loud on the street. I got my wallet got my cell phone its going to be a great day laughter youre looking at them, this guys nuts. We dont yell like that. No, we dont. Weve got our act together. We should get some ice cream. laughter its hard. Its hard being a person. Even my iphone turned on me. My iphone, my only true friend in the world is now categorizing photos on its own. It considers my normal face and my fat face to be two different people. laughter all this Technology Just to count how many chins i have. laughter its a mess. My familys a mess. I have a mean girl. I have a mean girl. Year, i made a mean girl. Yeah. I didnt know they existed. I didnt think i was going to make one. I feel guilty, you know . Im feeding it. laughter im keeping it alive. I give it money. laughter but what do i do, just cut her off, like shes a terrorist . I cant do that. Shes my kid. How do i even know how bad she really is . Shes my kid. Im sure at some point, hitlers parents must have turned to each other, like, hes a little weird, right . Yeah, hes weird. Hes six. Who has that mustache at six . laughter its hard. And, look, youre doing fine. Dont think because your life is hard that youre struggling and its going to get better. Youre not going to get better. No. I havent even met you, and i know youre doing fine. This is as good as it gets. Be content. Right, you see people on tv, fame and money and think, oh, if i could get like that, then my life would be better. No, youll be worse. Look at the people who have it. Theyre not happy. Brad pitt and angelina, breaking up theyre breaking up. Good, they deserve it. No, that was arrogance. You dont put two Perfect People in one marriage and think its going to work. That is arrogance too many options. You could be with anyone on the planet. You want your marriage to last, you need a little funnylooking in it. laughter you need to look across the table and think, where you are going to go . laughter applause seriously. When youre young and id no, you moron. You dont want some beautiful girl asking to be taken to europe. You want a girl with a crooked eye asking if youve got jumper cables. Yeah, thats a keeper. Thank you guys so much. cheers and applause stephen his special, human mule, is available at epix. Com. Tom papa, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, hey well, thats it for the late show, everybody james corden is next. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing band playing cheers and applause are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be just fine its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from tbilisi, russia, give it up for your