Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160630

Schoolboy q. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thanks so much good to see you. Thank you, chris. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. I dont know what this is. I like it. Please, please, come on. Youre very generous. Youre very generous. Welcome to the late show. I am your host Stephen Colbert. Its hard to believe that there are only seven months left in the obama presidency. You never know how much youre going to miss a guy until you see the options. And a lot of people are wondering what barack obama will do after hes president. Theres a lot of speculation. I read today that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in silicon valley. Obamas a perfect fit for silicon valley. Hes a nerd who got way more powerful than anyone in high school ever imagined. So, evidently, obama is going to be going for the cash. Good for him. But he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from change to kaching laughter applause why not . Now, compare obamas post president ial plans to jimmy carter, who famously took a lowpaying construction job. I cant believe theyre still making that man work. Hes 91 years old let him retire, poor people. Subsaharan africa, so selfish. Listen, hey, thats not me. Thats jimmy carter theyre abusing. Of course, with obama on the way out, by law, someone else has to move in to the the white house. And it could be president trump. audience booing stephen makes me excited, too. Trump is making a real effort to appear more president ial these days. Yesterday, he went to a pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. And instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. laughter heres the plan. Hes going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund. laughter in michiga michigan fans here. Or recycling fans. Im not entirely sure. applause now, in the wake of britains exit from the e. U. The brexit trump outlined his plan for a trump exit, or trexit. He started june with an alarmingly low 1. 3 million. Did you really just go aah the man says he has 10 million and you go aaw. You are the nicest people who should not be allowed to vote. The Trump Campaign in response to these low numbers have amped up their fundraising, but it looks like they may have gone overboard and overseas. Because members of the British Parliament have been getting repeated emails from trump asking for money. Ooh. Just five days too late. And the british mps are not happy to receive these emails. Natalie mcgarry, a scottish member of parliament, wrote trump back, saying prim accent quite why you think it appropriate to write. Emails to u. K. Parliamentarians with a begging bowl for your. Repugnant campaign is completely beyond me. cheers and applause then she whipped out her wand and cried, expecto gobiteme now, i can understand why theyre complaining. Because ive got one of trumps spam emails right here. Hello, sex friend, looking to make America Country again great. Purr with delight. Make lady america go wow, wow, wow, big time citizen enjoy loveliest president. Please donate with pleasure. Trump 2016. Big huge. laughter applause cheers you know, if trump wants to hit the brits up for money, he should try the queen because it turns out Queen Elizabeth could year. And she needs it to keep up her expensive lifestyle. I mean, someones got to pay for all those corgis she eats. Oh, so delicious. So delicious. Its like a twobite brownie but with meat. Amazing. Incredible. So well marbled. Apparently, the queen is expected to earn 45. 6 Million Pounds next year. And if you ask me, shes earned every farthing. I mean, just look how hard she works. She works hard for the money so hard for the money she works hard for the money she works hard for the money so hard for the money she works hard for the money so you better treat her right stephen pretty good bargain. Can you imagine how much they would have to pay her if she waved with both hand. Now wave both hands, folks, and say hello to jon batiste and stay human. applause stephen oh cheers and applause oh get it get it youre going to get it tonight folks, ive got some bad news. But i want to be up front and say this is a comedy show so its fake bad news. Because there is actual bad news out there in the world. And all of our thoughts and prayers and our good wishes go to the people who are suffering everywhere in the world at the hands of terrorism. This time, its istanbul. And it is heartbrea t this happen over and over again. And just an aside, i would like to Say Something to all the news organizations out there. Is it really necessary to show us photographs or rolling video of a terrorist exploding . That really seems like advertising for someones cause in a way that they may like. I dont think we need to see that. applause meanwhile, in the world of fake tragedy, evidently, the earth is running out of helium. Its a nonrenewable gas used in rocket engines, semiconductors, and most importantly, in Bachlorette Party penis balloons. laughter ive been told. I wouldnt know. The shortage is so dire that many of those penis balloons can only be inflated to halfmast. Its sad. Fortunately, we may have a solution because a huge helium gas field has been found in tanzania. Geologists were confident they had found a new helium reserve when they saw the spot marked to a grad whos out of this world. Joining me now to discuss this amazing discovery, we are joined live via satellite i believe by two scientists at the helium site over in tanzania. The two scientists are director of medical research at m. I. T. Dr. Gerald reinhardt. Amd distinguished chair of Earth Sciences at durham university, dr. Rebecca tavage. Thank you for joining me. Doctors. Thank you, stephen. highpitched voice its an honor to be here. Stephen tellex it is that the two of you over in tanzaa have discovered at the site. Well, in just one section of tanzanias east african rift valley, weve found 54 billion cubic feet of helium. To put that in perspective, that is a buttload of helium. laughter stephen this is very fascinating discovery. This is crucial because we were due to run out of helium in just 20 years, if im not mistaken. Absolutely, stephen. laughter that is nothing to joke about. You see, helium is an integral component in the large hadron collider and m. R. I. Machines, so this find will excuse me. I dropped something. Bring relief to millions of gravely ill patients who deserve to be treated with dignity. laughter . Stephen okay, yes. Can you add to that stephen, ive got to tie my shoes. Stephen i understand. You dont want to fall over there. It looks like youre on some hills. You might tumble down the hills there. Thats why were taking this so seriously. The entire Academic Community is unified in saying wheeeeee stephen well, thank you so much for your time, both of you over there in tanzania. I know youre busy, distinguished scientists. Our pleasure stephen yay bye stephen theyre doing great work. Well be right back with samuel l. Jackson. Im free to do what i want and have a goomed ti. The ford freedom sales event is on and zero for 72 is back fusion and escape. Plus specially tagged vehicles get an extra 1000 smart bonus. That means freedom from interest. And freedom to choose. With ford, americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing for 72 months. Plus, specially tagged vehicles get a 1000 smart bonus. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. 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Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. This is humira at work. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is an International Superstar who is now internationally superstarring in the legend of tarzan. I feel foolish for asking, but you can really talk to the animals . Youre an educated man, dr. Williams. You tell me. Hey, hey, pretty lady its a male. laughter stephen please welcome samuel l. Jackson. applause stephen now, wait a second. Wait a second nice to see you. Thanks for being here. Thats a nice jacket. I was wondering why you were coming out here with where you r jacket off. Showing off, you know. Stephen how does one get a portrait of themselves inside their own suit . Because ive just got more lining on thed in of mine. The tailor said, so what do you want in the lining . I said, me. And hes like, i got that. And this is what happened. I thought he was going to do something really strange like put, sam, sam, sam, on a piece of thing but he laid it out. Stephen thats all thats beautiful. Thank you. Stephen i understand you just got a b. E. T. Lifetime achievement award. Yes, i did. applause stephen that is congratulations. Thats a im still waiting for mine. Waiting for mine. Its kind of funny, you know, because it happens and you go, so am i supposed to slow down and stop working now . Im not sure. Stephen oh, please say no. Actually, somebody told me its like you have 165 and so i have to do at least 35 more movies to get to 200. Stephen you are at 165 . Yes. Stephen wow. Jesse williams also gave a speech at this thing. Whoa stephen it was an amazing speech. I saw you standing and clapping. What did that speech mean to you . It was it was the most unadulterated assessment of whats going on in our world, and it was one of that like, i used to hear people speak in the 60s. I was around eye could hear Stokey Carmichael and rap brown. I heard people talk. And it was the first speech they heard in a very long time of that not a speech that said lets talk about this. But lets do something about this. It was a call to action. Stephen did it inspire you . It was awesome. Stephen you were very politically active when you were younger . A little bit. Stephen are you supporting anybody this time around . What do you mean . Stephen for president. Last time you were here you were like bernie is nice but you didnt think he would make it. You were heading for the hillses. Im there. Thats what weve got, and thats what weve got to do. Im there. Please, dont think dont think the other thing cant happen because thats why the brexit is trying to get a recall right now. applause were not going to get a doover. Were not going to get a doover. 200. And 100 more to get to three. Stephen, of course. Are you ever going to slow down . You do, like, four movies a year or Something Like that. Four, five, yeah. Stephen how many days are you out on the road in the world . Im not sure. A lot im out more than im in at home. Stephen where have you been . Where in the world is samuel l. Jackson . I flew to l. A. Friday, from bulgaria to start tarzan press. Im going to start my vacation on friday, cut it short on the sixth, and go to amsterdam and finish shooting the movie. The hit mans body guard with ryan reynolds, and i can go back on vacation at the end of the month. Stephen you were just in vietnam for kong, right. Skull island. Stephen i understand this was the ride you got to work. That was the ride to work. These ladies, we through some caves, a system of caves, and they row you through the caves. Some of them row you this way, and some of them lay back and row you this way. laughter but its awesome stephen did that make you nervous at all that that was your ride to work through caves . Theyve been doing it for a while. They know the route. Its cool. Its kind of like going to work here in new york. There are people going the other way. There are People Living in the jungle the other way and theyre saying, good morning, good morning. Its like a regular commute for a bunch of people. Stephen you die a lot in movies. I have. Stephen you have died in quite a few movies. Do you have a favorite way youve died in a movie . A lot of people like deep blue sea. Stephen can i tell you, that is one of my Favorite Movie deaths of all time. As a matter of fact, we keep this clip on hand all the time. Jimmy . Were not going to fight anymore were going to pull together, and were going to find a way to get out of here first, were going to seal off this. cheers and applause . Stephen its the greatest death of all time. Greatest death of all time. Its perfect, too, because its shark week, right. Stephen exactly. Its shark week. Thats good. And that was the cue to everybody else in the movie, anybody can die. Because we just killed the guy who made the most money. Stephen i assume you do your own stunts. I did that time, yeah. Stephen excellent work. One of the last stunt i ever did. I hate to deprive my stunt man of any activity that would allow him to shine. Stephen in the legend of tarzan, obviously, tarzan is not a real guy, but you actually play a character that is based on a real person i understand. George washington williams. Stephen who was this man . Wheefs the first African American to go into the doing in terms of enslaving those people and creating the first african holocaust that took place. He killed millions and millions of africans exacting rubber, diamonds, and ivory out of the country. Stephen so this guy went over there to expose he was an american . He was an american. And he falsified his credentials in a lot of different ways to get places. And he told those people in europe he was the envoy from the president of the United States. And there being no internet and no real fast mail, there was no way they could check that. Stephen its kind of like your character from the hateful 8. And he worked himselfs into the congo so he could do that, and he wrote letters to various governments. King leopold, even though he was extracting all those riches he ran out of money building the railroad so he started borrowing money from various governments. George washington williams was writing letters to various governments tellth him and, of course, the United States was one of the first countries to support king leopold and he was trying to stop them from doing it also. Stephen in that scene, are you actually in africa in those shots . Were in a beautiful, air conditioned bugfree studio in london. Stephen that shot right there wasnt anywhere on the african belt . We didnt touch africa. laughter . Stephen how much of your work these days is in a green room, like, looking at a broom with pingpong balls glued to it . I would say, i dont know, each movie has a bit of it because that happens. But no more than a third. This movie just happened to be on the lot for some reason. They they felt like they could control the environment better. Stephen keep the gorillas inside. The guys in the green suits that looked like gorillas. Stephen have you been to africa yourself . I have. Game preserve. Stephen does that freak you out . Just the noises at night. We didnt live on a cat reserve. See, thats where you dont want to be because then you have to walk around with guys with guns because cats are out at night hunting. They dont hunt during the day when its hot. They wait until its cool at night. Stephen i went a few years ago and my boys got ow of the jeep at one point take and we were take a break and they were running around the jeep and i was running after them and our guide stopped us and said, dont run. When you run, you are food. laughter yeah. Stephen so we got back in the expwreep we didnt get back out of that jeep again all day long. Even then, when we were out, we saw a lot of things, but my daughter was like, where are the elephants . I want to see an elephant. We were coming back at night and she rollthe window down and starting going. And out of nowhere, this huge elephant just comes right in the middle of the road. And we were all like oh, no, no, no stephen he thinks you stole his baby yeah. And the guys like, that was very good. You got the elephant to come. But stay met truck. Stephen dont do that again. Dont get out of the truck. Stephen we have to take a little break. Well be back with more samuel l. Jackson, everybody. applause thompsons waterseal. 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Deep person . Yeah i dabble in deepness. Stephen i consider myself a deep person, and i like to take the opportunity to explore some of the mysteries of human existence in a segment i call Big Questions with even bigger stars applause laughter stephen what a beautiful night. Its awesome. Stephen yeah. Hey, samuel l. Jackson . Yes, stephen . Stephen do you have a nickname . Yes, my friends call me action jackson, but you can call laughter Stephen Samuel l. Jackson, do you think god could make a rock so big even he couldnt lift it . Of course. Thats where australia came from. laughter stephen i heard that, yeah. Stephen . If you were stranded on a desert island, what famous person would you want to have with you . Stephen i guess whichever celebrity is most shaped like a boat. laughter hey, samuel l. Jackson, ive always wanted to ask you this, whats in your wallet cheers and applause a whole lot of money. laughter applause steveo. Yeah, sam . Do you think theres a difference between living and just being alive . Stephen of course. Who would buy a magazine called Martha Stewart just being alive . Hey, samuel l. Jackson, if a motorcycles cooler than a doesnt that mean a unicycle is cooler than a tricycle . I told you, stephen, im not buying your bleep unicycle. laughter applause stephen hey, sam, do you believe man is burdened with original sin because adam and eve gave in to satans temptation in the garden of eden . Yes, i do. And i have had it with that garden cheers and applause stephen. Stephen yes, sam . Do you have any regrets . Stephen oh, absolutely. Wait, i wished id said no. laughter hey, samuel l. Jackson, do you think its okay to tell a harmless lie to spare someones feelings . That is a really, really smart question, stephen. laughter stephen thanks. applause hey, sam l. Jack . You have been in 165 movies. What part would you like to be remembered for . My bleep. But id settle for mace windu. Stephen ive never seen bleep but ive read some great reviews. applause sam, sam, what do you think people will say at your funeral . I assume theyll be saying wow, ive never seen Yankee Stadium so packed. laughter stephen . Why are we here . What is our purpose . Stephen well, i guess its hard to say. But id like to believe that were here to love one another and, above all, to promote the legend of tarzan opening this friday. Samuel l. Jackson, everybody well be right back with julie. Klausner cheers and applause Bud Light Party here to discuss equal pay. Women dont get paid as much as men and that is wrong. And we have to pay more for the same stuff. What . Yeah. Cars. What . Dry cleaning. What . Shampoo. What . You pay more but get paid less . That is double wrong. O stop bud light proudly supports equal pay, thats why bud light costs the same no matter if youre a dude or a lady. Yeah mom you have to pay more for a car than dad. 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Explain to me again. How does this make money . We told you its for food stephen please welcome Julie Klausner stephen come on up nice to have you. Those are some nice shoes youve got there. Thank you very much. Im relieved the band got the note i was jewish. Stephen we have not seen each other in many, many years. But the thing that i was just reminded of before you came out here is that you were an intern on a show i used to do called strangers with candy, back in the last century. It was a long time ago. It was in the 20th searchry. I was an intern. I was such a fan of the show. Stephen did you learn anything . Internships are suppose to be about learning . I learned so much. First that i can not sue you or Comedy Central for the wages backearned. I loved it. I got to watch you and amy and paul. You guys were writing. U that you had written for each other. You two of you would do jerry blanks. It was this constant harmonious symphony of the three of you doing jerry blanks impressions. Stephen i dont remember any of it. I was so tired. The important thing swere we nice to you . So nice. Stephen oh, really. So nice. What i remember most about you first of all, whenever you came in, you just brought a ray of sunshine into the room. Stephen oh my mom paid you to say that, didnt she . No, she wont answer any of my calls, oddly enough. And the other thing i remember is you had a pager laughter . Stephen because i was dealing coke at the time. Oh, you were dealing coke . Im sorry, was that not clear in the story. Stephen you skipped that part. You were a correspond on the daily show. And you would say, the daily show is page,go make fun of someone on television. And you would come back and say, lets finish this episode stephen congratulations on difficult people. Thank you. Stephen its really funny and wrong at the same time. Its a little mean. Stephen is any of your real life in difficult people. Its inspired by reallife events. There is one episode in the current season where i what happened was, i was scammed for fake hamilton tickets on craigslist. Thank you for your sympathy. Thank you. Stephen i dont know because doesnt that mean you were trying to go around the normal processes of getting a ticket . I tried and i tried. And what was a girl to do . It was also the early days oh, whats this hamilton show. Perhaps i can go on stubhub. And i thought i havent used craigslist forever. We had this guy meet up with us, and he gave us they looked legitimate. And i showed up at the theater and the usher scanned them and said, these tickets are fraudulent. We made that a story. But the story really became is just that i took up as a hobby sending abusive texts to the guy who sold me the fake tickets. laughter . Stephen so you still have contact with the man . Well, he doesnt write back, but its nice to have, like its a cathartic little journal. Its like a monologue of i mean, its just frankly, its nice to check in with someone sometimes and just be like, hey bleep . My lunch was pretty good. Stephen thats nice. And i hope you die in a really unfortunate way. laughter and and ill probably text you in an hour or so. Anyway, youre a piece of bleep . And im never forget you. Stephen you also have a podcast ab p and you might be a person to answer this question because this is an important one now. Is there a pop culture anymore, a thing that everyone agrees is the pop culture right now, or are we all just too balkanized to recognize a single pop cultural moment . I think its very segmented. I never felt a bigger divide from people like five years younger than i am. It does seem like the kids today have their own celebrities because of instagram or snapchat, which i tried for an hour to figure out on sunday and i ended up throwing my phone in a fish tank, and i dont even keep fish. So i think theres definitely more, and there are people that sort of find each other and the weird stuff can thrive a little more easily. Is there a pop culture . I certainly hope for i certainly hope so for future generations of kids like me that grew up watching more film and tv than they did socializing with their peers in a healthy way. Stephen oh, so in other words the distance you put beings is what leads you now to be a creative artist, because you have no life with humans . laughter . Well, its a life. I mean, its a small life but no, no, exactly. Thats exactly what it is. Thats exactly what it is. Instead of learning to connect with i dont remember when i had my first kiss, but i remember the day the cable was installed stephen yeah, me, too, me, too. That was a huge day. Stephen i kissed the cable guy. Julie, thank you so much for being here. Congratulations on difficult people. Difficult people season two, premieres july 12 on hulu. Julie klausner, everybody well be back with a performance by schoolboy q. applause youve wished upon it all year, and now its finally here. The mercedesbenz summer event is back, with incredible offers on the mercedesbenz youve always longed for. But hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. And theyre off well, that took a turn. Whats the speed limit in here . Dad should we tell them there are more . Eventually. Man, im glaaflac c pays cash. Isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. 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Stephen here performing that part, from his album blank face lp, ladies and gentlemen, schoolboy q me no conversate with the fake, that part bang this bleep in the hood one time me no conversate with the fake, that part all my bitches independent bitches, that part that part all my bleep flavored that part, that part, that part, that part ayy that part bang this bleep in the hood one time lil bleep im back and poppin tell that ugly bleep to move away, i need more options broke then fix your pockets, all i do is profit quarter million, switchin lanes, that part bet my bleep move the same old thing, that part 405 with the gun off safe, that part ayy im still tryna make that plate rich or poor bleep , choose your fate style on top of style, bleep five years ive been rich, bl eep drove bimmers down fig, pushed porsches down broadway ive been divin in different bleep got a chain thats worth the rolls, bleep got an engine back with the top in it bleep drivin it like its a bomb in it me no conversat all my bleep independent bleep , that part i just want the paper, that part all my bleep flavored that part, that part, that part, that part okay, okay, okay beggars cant be choosers, bleep this aint chipotle bleep with an attitude, i feel like oshea walkin, livin legend, man i feel like kobe all my bleep independent bleep , that part i just want the paper that part. That part that part. cheers and applause stephen schoolboy qs sophomore album, blank face. Lp, is out july 8th well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ellie kemper, patrick fugit, and a musical performance by we are scientists. Now stay tuned for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun everyone you know is on fire. Come on baby, lets start its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from loisada, new york, give it up for yourt,