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And now, happy just to be nominated, David Letterman cheers and applause captioning sponsored by worldwide pants and cbs band playing late show theme cheers and applause dave hey, hey, hey hey hey thank you very much. Yeah cheers and applause how you doing . Welcome to the show. Before we begin, id just like to say hi to my two kids connor and daniel. Hi, kids laughter go to bed now daddy loves you good night, boys laughter and applause you can sure tell its autumn, cant you . Can you feel it . You know that its autumn . Ill tell you a sure sign that its autumn new york city, the yankees have gone into hibernation. rim shot applause you know whats happening this weekend . Oktoberfest. How many of you are excited, looking forward to oktoberfest . cheers and applause i tell you, i love anything that started in berlin. Its got to be fun. laughter or munich, wherever it started. But this year, oktoberfest begins on the Upper East Side and then it works its way through poland, czechoslovakia, france. laughter i know. Hey, wait a minute applause hold it. Finally some good news for america. You know what happened yesterday in times square . Some people got together and set a new world record in times square yesterday while we were going about our lives as we should as americans, set a new world record in times square for twerking. laughter for twerking, ladies and gentlemen. For twerking. Thats right. Go ahead, give yourselves a hand. cheers and applause and Vladimir Putin says americans arent exceptional. Now come on laughter you know, the u. N. General Assembly Delegates are still in new york city. What an exciting time when you think of it. All of the World Leaders here in one place at new york city. We have a segment for you tonight and i dont think anybodys ever taken this particular position about the u. N. General assembly. Its called United Nations stimulating the economy. Did you ever think about that . No. Neither did i. Here you go. United nations stimulating the economy. Take a look. We had one of our best weekends over this past weekend. And we had a lot of foreign people come into the club. laughter dave foreign people. Thats right. applause i tell you, this first week, the opening week of the u. N. General assembly, there was a lot of tension, a lot of anger, a lot of discord, but everybody from the nearly 200 nations gathered at the United Nations agreed on one thing cher looks fantastic. laughter paul yes we agree. Dave and even though its the end of the first week, theres still a lot going on at the u. N. Take a look at this schedule. Dave well, theres a lot to look forward to. applause now, the United States government october 1 runs out of money. The United States government. Out of money october 1. This country needs a brotherin law, thats what it needs. laughter how about that crazy texas senator ted cruz. Yeah. Hes a lot of fun, isnt he . Right now hes through his 21 hour rant about ben affleck. Oh, the post office is raising the price of stamps again. Did you realize that . I heard that and said to myself if there was only an inexpensive electronic way of communicating. laughter if there was just. applause they passed the macarthur genius grant this is year and i was looked. Snubbed. laughter a lot of people didnt get the nod for macarthur genius awards because its too bad, a lot of good things happening in the world. We put together a list of other people who did not receive macarthur genius grants. Take a look at this. The inventor of the lasagna hat. laughter dave lasagna hat, ladies and gentlemen. Its the lasagna hat. Well, heres news from prison. O. J. Simpson has been arrested in prison. laughter thats kind of unusual. He was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. laughter so they arrested him and put him in jail again. Stealing cookies. Do you get the feeling that o. J. s not even trying anymore . laughter the really thats the best you can do . Stealing cookies . But o. J. Is vowing to find the real cookie thief so thats. laughter i think we can rest easy there. applause set your t. V. S for the big showtime block bust they are weekend masters of sex. Yeah. And im i dont i didnt even get a High School Diploma of sex so i i dont know. rim shot but its about two pioneering medical researchers and their dream of one day putting a naked woman on a wrecking ball. laughter by the way, if youre a showtime subscriber, this is a wonderful promotion. This is why the people at showtime know what theyre doing. For the first 1,800 viewers of the masters of sex series first 18,000 viewers forget 1,800, 18,000 viewers will receive an Anthony Weiner bobble head doll. Remarkable. applause its just crazy. Speaking of crazy texas senator ted cruz, we have another new segment for you. This is called United States senate history. United States Senate history. Lets take a look at this. Texas senator ted cruz delivered a 21hour speech on the floor of the United States senate, a demonstration of a senate rule established in 1806 which reads the senate shall allow any senator to speak, even if he is a halfbaked jackass. laughter dave halfbaked jackass. You got that right. Look, everybody, its our friend paul paul oh, you got that right hey, everybody. Good evening, david. Dave steve martin is here tonight, everybody. Well be right back, thank you very much. Good bless you. [ female announcer ] we take away your stuffy nose. You keep the peace. We calm your congestion and pain. [ man ] thank you. Thank you. [ female announcer ] you rally the team. You guys were awesome. [ female announcer ] we give you relief from your cough. 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Starting october 25th and save 50 off all kenmore wall ovens. Or up to 30 off all other kenmore appliances when you use your sears card. This is serious savings. This is sears. Im terry mcauliffe, candidate for governor, and i sponsored this ad alarming clearly inappropriate virginias newspapers on revelations that Ken Cuccinellis office secretly helped an outofstate Energy Company that ripped off virginia landowners but gave a hundred thousand to his campaign. A federal judge called it shocking. The Inspector General launched an investigation and now cuccinelli has been questioned by the fbi about the Star Scientific scandal. Investigations. Gifts. Scandals. Ken cuccinellis not for us. cheers and applause dave the lovely, the talented felicia collins, ladies and gentlemen. applause thank you very much, paul. Paul yes, thank you. Dave good evening, everyone, welcome to the program. I dont know whether i should be concerned. I think weve been through this many, many times before. In the history of this great republic, theyre talking about october 1 the government is gone. The money has run out. The budget theres a debt limit, theres a ceiling, theres a fiscal, remember the fiscal cliff. Paul oh, yes. Dave and for weeks we tried to get him on the show. Couldnt get fiscal cliff. Dave he said ill be in orlando. And now theyre defunding the government. There will be no money. So were going to check in via satellite all the way from london. Please welcome cbs chief Foreign CorrespondentGraham Fenwick jones. Graham, there he is. Good evening, dave. Good evening. Dave nice to see you. Looks like a lovely night in london. As always, thank you very much for your time, graham. It seems like go through this. I dont know, we must have been through it before. But why are we facing this possibility again . Well, dave, weve seen the tories and the barney rubble with a glass of custard and jelly, getting into a two and eight every farthing and thruppence, strumping over the bit of the president s loggy and then whats the price of your bangers and mash and your toad in the hole . laughter dave and how laughter give us the two sides of this. How are they approaching this dispute . The tories say the budget is on the nevernever and theyll never agree to it and they tell obama to get on his bike but hes no vicar of gray and hell tell them to budge off and shivvy along, but if we stick them out and show them the old dunkirk spirit, we can be a right royal and sound as a pound within a fortnight then we can bugger off and with the apples and pears and have had a bit of hows your father. Dave and how will this affect the what they call the debt ceiling and that crisis . They must be related. Well, if you ask me its as daft as a brush and if the Congress Goes off of their chump and brings it to new castle, but if these blinkered souls dont have a chin wag, you can beat the queens bubble and squeak theyll end up on kerry street and then what have you got with your rumpley pumply and your meat and two veg. laughter dave okay, thank you very much, graham. I certainly appreciate the insight. Chief correspondent Graham Fenwick jones. Thank you, dave, arent you the big girls blouse dave thank you. I guess i am. Graham fenwick jones, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, thats i mean. Paul clears everything up, doesnt it. Dave yeah. A guy like that a few minutes with a guy like that and you really feel stupid, dont you . Paul yeah. Dave oh, my gosh. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is the top ten list for tonight. The category tonight non essential Government Agencies. This is what we were talking about. Nonessential Government Agencies. If congress doesnt pass a new spending bill by october 1, nonessential Government Agencies and personnel from shut down. So youre asking yourself what is nonessential . We have that for you here tonight. The top ten nonessential Government Agencies. So listen for your office, your position, your job. laughter this may be valuable. Here we go. Dave there you go, ladies and gentlemen you know, when we have Graham Fenwick jones is it my imagination or can you actually smell gin . laughter well be right back with steve martin, everybody. The gulf, bp had two big goals help the gulf recover and learn from what happened so we could be a better, safer Energy Company. I can tell you safety is at the heart of everything we do. Weve added cuttingedge technology, like a new deepwater well cap and a stateoftheart monitoring center, where experts watch over all drilling activity twentyfourseven. And were sharing what weve learned, so we can all produce energy more safely. 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So hurry in and try three succulent entrees. Like our new snow crab and crab butter shrimp, just 14. 99. Only at red lobster where we sea food differently. [ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at 7. 99. Sandwiches, salads, and more. [ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at 7. 99. phone ringtone gun without a background check. Ithe dangerously mentally ill. Criminals. Endangering our families. Ken cuccinelli opposed closing the gun show loophole against comprehensive background checks at gun shows for criminals and the dangerously mentally ill. Siding with the nra and undermining law enforcement. No wonder the Washington Post calls cuccinelli polarizing, provocative and partisan. Cuccinelli. Too extreme for virginia independence usa pac sponsored this ad. Were switching Car Insurance. Why . Because these guys are the cheapest. Why . Good question. Because a cutrate price could mean cutrate protection. You should listen to this guy. [ female announcer ] get great protection and a great price plus an agent drivers who switched saved an average of 498 a year. Plus, allstate has new lower rates just for washington, d. C. Switch and start saving today just another way allstate is changing Car Insurance for good. [ female announcer ] call a Washington Area allstate agent at 8666507900 today. Dave thank you and thank you again. Okay, i believe the show starts now this guy. You cant go wrong. Paul no. Dave our first guest is san actor, writer, musician and a true renaissance man. This is the steve martin prize he created to award excellence in banjo and bluegrass and were lucky enough that hes presented that to the winner last three or four years. Paul a great tradition. Dave and he continues to perform on tour. Oh, my god, Edie Brickell, what would you give up to go on tour with Edie Brickell . Paul everything, everything. Dave me, too. He goes on tour with Edie Brickell and the Steep Canyon Rangers in october. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is steve martin. Steve, come on out here. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you very much dave steve nice to have you with us, my friend. Finally i can relax. An audience dave thats right. Great to have you here. Did you just read that . Great to have you here . Dave great to have you here. Wow. Dave we leave nothing to chance. By the way, congratulations, your 20th anniversary. Dave well, that was some time ago, but thank you, thank you. I was going to send you a note and i thought, thats a lot of work. laughter and my assistant was on vacation and i thought, well, im going to be on the show, why dont i just come out and blah blah blah. Dave well, i appreciate it. And thank you very much. And those 20 years. Dave here at cbs. Yeah, here at cbs. They just seem to go by exactly like 20 years would go by. laughter dave laughs didnt fly by. Didnt fly by and didnt go on too long and you seem to be the appropriate age for 20 years having gone by. laughter dave thank you. Mission accomplished. But you had another you did another show so youre actually on the air for 30 years. 30 years. Dave 30 plus years. So what im thinking is if you didnt get the hoopla you wanted for your 20th, its because people couldnt grasp what was going on because you got the 20, and the 30 plus. And youre going i dont know whats going on. Dave well, thank you. Somehow i feel much better. laughter this is something. When i heard about this i thought this is wonderful, congratulations. Do you mind if i tell people . Oh, please i dont know what youre going to say. laughter dave the academy of Motion Picture arts and sciences, whatever they call themselves. I think thats it, by the way. Dave the Academy Award people are bestowing on you an honorary Academy Award. Thats true. Dave so congratulations. Thank you very much