Kind. Hey, you know, easters on sunday. And i have to say, one of the things im really looking forward to this year, im not exactly sure why im looking forward to it, but donald trump will be running the White House Easter Egg Roll this year. [ laughter ] every year at the white house they have an egg roll. Which i think President Trump assumed was a menu item at p. F. Changs. [ laughter ] even though this is an annual tradition, its been going on for 138 years. Theyre having trouble getting it together this year. The white house apparently hasnt sent out invitations yet. And they neglected to order the eggs. Every year they give kids wooden eggs as souvenirs of the easter egg roll. This year the company that mills the eggs had to tweet a reminder to the president and first lady, for real, flotus, potus, everyone in the family, fiy, manufacturing deadlines for the easter eggs are near, please reach out. Which seems a little desperate but this is a Company Whose business is making wooden eggs. They miss easter, theyre screwed, thats it, nobody wants an egg on flag day. Fortunately donald trump knows a guy who got him great deal on some russian Nesting Dolls so they will have eggs. But this is this sort of thing should be the easy stuff. The egg roll, you know its normally a starstudded affair by the way. Last year they had idina menzel, the voice of elsa in frozen, the kids go nuts for that. Shaquille oneal. The muppets were there from sesame street, the cast of blackish. This year the only entertainment is a group called the Martin Family circus, and a boy band called bro four. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thats bro four. Should we know what bro four is . Theyre like what hell are we doing at this thing . Bro four. Which i feel like were going to be hearing a lot more about. And the Martin Family circus. Will join the trump family circus on the south lawn on monday. This is crazy. The Trump Administration actually contacted pbs to ask after saying they want to cut their funding they contacted them to ask if theyd provide costume characters for the easter egg roll. Your boss saying, i know i just fired you but can you work overtime on sunday . White house stress Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room, told them the egg roll doesnt matter because theres no such thing as the easter bunny anyway. Hes had a rough week. You know, before he was press secretary, sean spicer actually played the easter bunny at the egg roll during the bush administration. Thats not a fake picture. Thats the real thing. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the easter bunny apologize for comments about the holocaust. To try to make any kind of comparison is a mistake. You recognize that hitler obviously did im well aware what was he did. Jimmy how can you be mad at somebody so cute . He would kill to have that job back right now. This is day 82 of the Trump Administration. I know, he cant believe it either. [ laughter ] but so the president was on fox business channel this morning where he gave himself very high marks so far. We have done so much for so many people. I dont think that there is a president ial period of time in the first 100 days where anyones done nearly what weve been able to do. Jimmy well, i think hes kind of right, actually. [ laughter ] no one has done anywhere near the damage hes been able to do in only 82 days. Trump also shed light on what was happening this was interesting, what was happening on the ground at maralago the weekend when this weekend when he ordered both an air strike and dessert while dining with the president of china. I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner, were now having dessert. We have the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake this youve ever seen. And president xi was enjoying it. So what happens is i said, they Just Launched 59 missiles heading to iraq. Heading to syria . Yes, heading to syria, yes. Jimmy maria wherever we bomb, the point is, this was the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy speaking of beautiful. Congratulations to the first lady, melania trump, who just got a nice payout from a british tabloid newspaper, the daily mail. They claimed our first lady once worked as an escort, which isnt true. Not only isnt it true, it doesnt even make sense. Of course shes not a prostitute. She wont even spend the night with her husband for gods sakes. According to cnn, melania received 2. 9 million in damages, which i think this is nice, shes using it to build an escape tunnel back to slovenia. [ laughter ] meanwhile, the secretary of housing and urban development, ben carson, hes still going, i guess. He was in miami today visiting an Affordable Housing complex that was developed by nba hall of famer Alonzo Mourning. Unfortunately Alonzo Mourning was late so dr. Carson was forced to kill time. He went to the fitness center. He played some foos ball in the building. They decided to get on with the tour. Unfortunately, he immediately became trapped in the elevator when the elevator doors closed. Listen here. Listen in. Hello . Hello . Im stuck in the elevator. Can anyone help . Im still stuck in the elevator. Is anyone there . Help. Help. [ laughter ] jimmy then he got out. He was actually trapped in the elevator for 20 minutes. He handled it well, though. He actually said he didnt mind being in the elevator because thats where they play his favorite music. [ laughter ] hey, bill oreilly, you know who bill oreilly is, the giant man on fox news every night. Hes getting a lot of unwanted publicity this week after multiple Sexual Harassment charges from former employees. Fox paid these former employees, and now theyve decided to hire an outside firm to investigate. I dont know why they didnt hire the firm first but multiple sponsors have pulled their advertising from bill oreillys show. Bill made a big announcement on his show last night. I guess he had a vacation planned and they were worried it would look bad if he quietly went off the air for a week. So somebody over there thought it would be a good idea to turn his vacation into a contest. Tip of the day, this time of year i grab vacation because its spring and easter. Last fall i booked a trip that should be terrific. Not going to tell you where it is but we have a contest on bill oreilly. Com, guess where bills going. Jimmy all right. To hell, maybe . Is it to hell . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] no . Okay, not hell. Maybe coachella . No . Could he be on a Rob Gronkowski booze cruise . Is bill oreilly in dollywood . On kong skull island . I know where he is, bill oreilly is vacationing right now in bonerland. Its allinclusive. Its actually a beautiful place. From the land down under, this happened in queensland. In the United States many of our rappers have had runins with the law. Its almost mandatory in a way. This one is unusual. Theres a hiphop artist in australia who goes by the name tupek. With tupek, alley thely went to a seafood restaurant, he racked up a 468 bill, then tried to skip out of the check by running into the ocean. For real. He ate two lobsters, a baby octopus, and 17 oyster shooters and jumped in the ocean to get away. Which if this wasnt a job for aquaman, i dont know what he does. But he actually broke a few laws. Failure to pay for services rendered. Resisting arrest. And not waiting 30 minutes after eating before you go for a swim. [ laughter ] this by the way is tupek. Good news about a picture like this is you dont need to listen to his music to know its bad. You get it from the glasses and the hat. [ applause ] he actually complained that the restaurant should apologize to him because his lobster was overcooked. Hopefully tupek can get food cooked exactly to his specifications in jail. Fy was tupek, not that that isnt a great name, i would change my rap name to run dmcfood. I really wood. [ laughter ] thanks, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] prom season is upon us. Its prom season and its allergy soap. This is an especially difficult time of the year for nerds. It really is. [ laughter ] this is the time when High School Students make promp promposals, obnoxious to start with, more so now that we have social media. Teenagers have been asking celebrities to the prom. Last week a High School Kid in phoenix made an elaborate parody of the movie la la land to ask emma stone to be his prom date. Apparently people tell him he looks like ryan gosling. This is what he did. Emma stone if you came wed go insane well help you see i hope youll want to come on down ill see your face and think of how i got so lucky note emma stone please be the one jimmy you get the idea, it goes on for an hour and a half. Emma stone responded to his video. She wrote the kid the letter. Here he is reading the letter on good morning america. Emma said, jacob, in all caps. Thanks for making the greatest proposal ive ever received. I cant tell you what an honor that was and how much i smiled through that entire beautifully orchestrated video. Im in london working but i hope you have the best time at prom and im grateful you thought of me. Thank you, in all caps, and she added, p. S. , i do see gosling around the eyes. Jimmy right. So now emma stone has to pretend shes in london for two weeks. [ laughter ] its a cute story, i get it. But its also terrible. And it has to be stopped. Listen, kid. Emma stone, whether shes in london or not, doesnt want to go to the prom with you. At all. Like its probably the last thing she wants to do. And not because shes in london working. She doesnt want to go to a dance with you because shes 28. [ laughter ] and 28yearold people dont want to go on dates with 16yearold children. Because its creepy. [ laughter ] i dont know, why do we find it socially acceptable for what is a boy to ask an adult celebrity on a date . What if it was the other way around . What if Shailene Woodley no, what if shia labeouf showed up at a high school looking for a date . Hed be arrested, right . [ laughter ] hed be beaten and arrested. When this kid asks emma stone, its adorable, we put him on gma. This is a hostage situation. Because if emma stone didnt write him a letter, she would look like a jerk. You know, when i was in high school, i would never i would never dream when i was in high school you liked a girl, so you called her house, when she answered the phone you got scared and hung the phone up. [ laughter ] that was it. Thats how you did it. [ cheers and applause ] i didnt contact Heather Locklear to ask her to go out with me. The audacity. Can we go back to a time before selfies when teenagers had low selfesteem . Its not completely the kids fault, celebrities kind of did this to themselves. A few of them took the bait. Kylie jen went to a prom with a kid in sacramento, which after the pepsi commercial was like the secondmost ridiculous thing a member of that family has done this month. Now every overconfident kid at a school in america has to have a famous date for the prom. Listen, kids. Dont look for your prom date in us weekly. Its not cute. Selena gomez doesnt want to make out with you, okay . Go to the cafeteria, find someone your own age, and paw him or her in the back of a limo, okay . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Im really glad youre with me on this. Important issue. Hey, we have a fun show for you tonight. We have, first of all, one of the great guitar players of alltime, john mayer is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] judd apatow is here. Well be right back with armie hammer so stick around say hello to at ts best, unlimited data deal and never pay overages again. So now the whole family can binge, surf, shop, navigate, listen, game, stream and more. All without the hassle of worrying about overages or running out of data. In fact, youll never pay overages again. And remember, its at ts best, unlimited data deal ever. So get at t, get unlimited and get everyone more for less. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. You stand out in a crowd. And are pulled together. You follow your own lead and show your strength. Always comfortable in your own skin. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx hows this for a tv show . Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prep cook by night. No. Here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. Eeze away fromback on purchases being voted out ofarpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hardur one and works twice as hard take it. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle at red lobsters lobsterfestime. Any of these 9 lobster dishes could be yours. So dont resist delicious new lobster mix and match or lobsterfest surf and turf because you wont have this chance for long. Testinhuh . Sting is this thing on . Come on your turn where do pencils go on vacation . Pennsylvania laughter crunchy wheat frosted sweet kelloggs frosted miniwheats. Feed your inner kid lackluster lips . L color dont think so. New chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas now enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight the director, writer, and producer whose latest show on netflix is called love, judd apatow is here. Later, his new album comes out friday. Its called the search for everything. The great john mayer from the mercedesbenz stage. Little bit of trivia, john was roofied shortly before that drawing was made. [ laughter ]. Tomorrow night music from romeo santos. You know who else we have to get on the show . Bro four. [ cheers and applause ] i love those guys. They are going to rock that easter ill roll, ill tell you that. With the name he was given, our first guest really only had three career choices. He could an movie star, he could an comic book character, or a manager at ace hardware. You know him from the social network, the man from uncle and his new movie is called free fire. It opens april 21st. Please welcome armie hammer [ cheers and applause ] jimmy look at you. Yeah. Jimmy are you into bro four . Oh, for sure, for sure. Jimmy your ipod has those . You heard it, yeah. Jimmy you just got here from russia. I did, yeah. Basically just landed from moscow. Jimmy does the fbi know about this . Are they aware . Im not going to lie, i was offered a russian passport while in russia. Yes, ill take that, do i have to give up my american passport . No. Really . Great, then yes, absolutely, id love a russian pass port. Jimmy is that right . Who knows, it might have been one of those things. It was late into dinner. Have laugh [ laughter ] jimmy what is it like in russia . I dont think things are sketchy in russia. Things are just sketchy in the world. Jimmy what goes on when you get there . I know youre probably there working. Yeah. Im there working, there for press. You go, you hive your obligations, we have to talk to basically flew in, got in at 11 00 at night. 7 00 the next morning we work all day up until the premiere of the movie that night. Press all day, different outlets. The premiere, then dinner afterwards. Jimmy gotcha. And at dinner afterwards, this is where i got in trouble. One of the guys from vulcan films whos distributing free fire, comes out soon, you should all go see it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy or youll be destroyed. Yes. Wait till you hear the rest of the story. So hes like, youve done a really good job, all the press went so well, this has all been great. If you would now like to get intoxication, you can. Jimmy what . To celebrate. I was like, hold on, i want to make sure this isnt a lost in translation thing. What . Hes like, yeah, if you want to drink. And i was like, as a matter of fact, ill take a bottle of involved character thank you very much. Then thats russia for you. Jimmy thats how it begins. This is why ive been to russia several times. The overall score is russia 3, armie 0 ultimately. Jimmy because you get armiehammered is what you get. [ applause ] are you famous . Russia . Yes, a combo of my work as an actor and my family has russian roots. They were involved way back in the day. Jimmy thats very interesting. Theres a hammer on the flag too, so just in general. That too, yeah. Jimmy what do you eat in russia . Is it borscht . Caviar. Well, anything. Pierogis, caviar. My favorite food is probably vodka. Jimmy vodka, okay. Potatobased food. Absolutely. At some point it was food. Jimmy does it taste any different than our vodka . No, 100 i dont know if they just keep the best vodka in russia. I mean, theres a vodka there called beluga gold vine. This isnt an ad but if they want to send me vodka ill take it. Beluga cold line. Put it in the freezer and it tastes like water. That gets you into trouble. You go to official dinners that you have to be at, youre there for work. Nt of every Single Person theyll put a shot glass. Then theyll come and fill it with icecold vodka. What will happen is the number one guy will make a speech, hell say i want to say thank you to everyone for coming from america, we put in a lot of work for this, were so happy to have you here, blah blah blah, cheers. Then you take your shot. And then you put it down and immediately someones over your shoulder filling it up. My wife says, nebraska else does the full shot, they sip it. I think thats the cowards way out. Jimmy i see, youre representing the United States, you have to drink 100 . 100 . All of a sudden they keep refilling and you lose track of time. Then this last time, you end up its 5 00 in the morning when you leave the restaurant. Jimmy the restaurant you left at 5 00 . Went back to the hotel and theyre like, you have 10 minutes to pack your bags. Jimmy the waiters must have wanted to shoot you. We were there with the guy who owned the restaurant so i dont think they were allowed to. Jimmy at 5 00 a. M. You all kind of walked back to the hotel and its morning and the light is blinding . Probably. Im not 100 . [ laughter ] jimmy something is blinding. I woke up in paris. I was like, this is our layover. Are we on our way home . My wifes like, yes. Not happy with me. Jimmy im glad you mentioned your wife. The last time you were here, you did something very kind of dumb. I mean, i dont want to pile on. But you accidentally you guys had been keeping the gender of your baby a secret from your family and from everyone. And you accidentally blurted it out here on the show. What did your wife say about that . She was in the dressing room. Jimmy walked back. And we opened the door. And it was instead of like, yeah, good job, the show was great it was total silence. Jimmy oh, really. In the dressing room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of looks like jimmy yeah. Because the next day what . Its not like i said anything. Jimmy there were a lot of articles the next day, yeah, pointing out that youd accidentally revealed. I didnt know if there was any fallout from that happening. No, nothing too long, longterm. Jimmy this is a photograph that i think maybe your wife posted. And as i mentioned, she was very pregnant at the time you were here on the show. Why are you you know this is not how it works. [ laughter ] usually the mother will go into the bed. Then the father will be standing beside her. Right. But you know, we like to mix things up, keep it interesting. Funny thing is shes actually due. Shes probably like four days due when that picture was taken. Right before she was supposed to have the baby, i tore my pectoral muscle completely off of my skeleton. Jimmy how . I was just i was in the gym with her brother, my brotherinlaw, john. We were just working out. And basically what happened was, i tore my pectoral muscle, they opened it up, your muth sescle frayed, you dont live very gently. Ive never been accused of that. Jimmy im worried about you after the russia story. Its amazing i was even at the gym. So im Walking Around my house really kind of hobbling. My arm doesnt work. Its really kind of a sad thing. My wife finally goes, you know what . Just go get the surgery, honestly youre not doing anybody any favors, this is bad. Jimmy you did that right before she gave birth . I go and get the surgery after shes due, because she was a little bit late with the baby. So i go in for the surgery. Then were thinking like now ill have the surgery, ill be able to help. Really what happened is i go in for the surgery and wake up in another hospital and all of a sudden my wife is having the baby because im on medication and all that stuff. Jimmy wow, what an impression you made on the kid. [ laughter ] i know, i know. He slapped me. Wake up [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy your movie is great. I saw it today. The movie is free fire. Armie hammer is here. Well be right back whoa youre not taking these. Hey, hey, hey youre not taking those. Whoa, whoa youre not taking that. Come with me. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Mom, im taking the subaru. Dont be late. Even when were not there to keep them safe, our Subaru Outback will be. vo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get 25 off nike for the whole family. Thats 25 off select nike shoes, tops, shorts, tanks, and more. Plus, everyone gets 10 kohls cash for every 50 spent. 25 off nike right now at kohls. You gonna close your welleyes on world war iii . Or are you gonna saddle up and save the entire damn world . Its about to get hot like hot like, hot like, hot like. Rated pg13. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright with simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . The dinosaurs extinction. Got you outnumbered. Dont listen to them. Not appropriate. Now im mashing these potatoes with my stick of butter. Why dont you sit over here. Something for everyone is awesome. Find your awesome with the Xfinity Stream app. More to stream to every screen. When they thought they should westart saving for retirement. Le then we asked some older people when they actually did start saving. This gap between when we should start saving and when we actually do is one of the reasons why too many of us arent prepared for retirement. Just start as early as you can. Its going to pay off in the future. If we all start saving a little more today, well all be better prepared tomorrow. Prudential. Bring your challenges. Okay, so burns boy is going to drive car in, put [ bleep ] hands of me. Grandpa, relax. Theyre going to put the guns right here. Theyll leave, tweedle dee and tweedledum can load them into your clown car. Youre the first one were going to take down if this goes south, lad. Probably a good idea, grandpa. I reckon. Oops. Sorry, you just youre molting. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats armie hammer in free fire. I like that movie, who directed that . Its a great english director, ben weedly. He did a good job with the movie. He does a great job with every movie. Jimmy im not going to vouch for that. Ill tell you. But go on, go on. Jimmy the movie, sounds like a crazy thing, it seems like, correct me if i have any of this wrong, the last twothirds of the movie is a shootout. Pretty much. Jimmy a shootout would typically last three or four minutes. Totally in a normal movie. This is like a its so much fun. The entire thing takes place in one warehouse. And the way ben, the director, puts it, he says, this movie is about the largest caper and a huge heist movie, but unfortunately, all of the characters in it are complete idiots so they never get past the first scene, which is the gun deal. You have to start at the gun deal, then youve got the guns, then you go do your thing. Theyre such incompetents they cant get past that. Its like a fun kind of like super realistic wear it its a lot. Everybodys going to get something out of it. Its a lot of fun. Jimmy as an actor is shooting in a warehouse for the whole movie something you like . Does it become a regular job where you go do the same work every day . Or i wish we could move around . I dont think it will ever feel like a cubicle when theyre giving you automatic weapons and blanks and you can shoot at everybody. Thats pretty unique. But its you would think it would get claustrophobic. But the way everything was mapped out, the way it works out with characters in different places, they create an entire world with this warehouse. Room did it with a single room, brie larson shes expanded, shes moved up to a much larger space. Jimmy moving on up. I want to show one picture too. This is a photograph of you. Tech aly i think its after midnight so its throwback thursday. How long were you in this photo . Oh, man. That was probably right when i moved back from the Cayman Islands to l. A. I was probably 12, 13 years old. Jimmy did you and the dog go to the same groomer . [ laughter ] was this your dog . That was my moms dog and im convinced that this picture was punishment for dyeing my hair this color. Im convinced my mom was like, you think you want white hair . Here you go. Jimmy you dyed your own hair as a kid . Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy thats a strong move for a little kid. I think it was a i moved from a tropical paradise to l. A. Jimmy youre one of those kids who would ask emma stone to go to the prom with him. By the way, i wouldnt have even had the confidence to try. Jimmy there you go. Thats what im saying thats what i was trying to say. Very good to see you. The movie is called free fire. It opens april 21st. Army hammer, everybody. Be right back with judd apatow man chevy is the most awarded car company, three years in a row. Really lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. bell ringing man 2 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. 2016 j. D. Power highest quality breaking. Agh 10 best. Blah blah blah. 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards chevrolet. The most awarded and Fastest Growing retail brand in 2016. Celebrate with us and get 16 below msrp on select chevy vehicles in stock. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. On select chevy vehicles in stock. My advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Sometimes you capture the moment. And sometimes, it captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. The has the worlds first infinity screen. Which makes your world infinitely bigger. A camera fast enough to catch this, and intelligent enough to understand what it sees. And takes you anywhere you can imagine. Which makes it infinitely amazing. Hes got the cash. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Jimmy hi, were back. John mayer is on the way. Without our next guest, there would be no freaks, no geeks, no superbad, no 40 yearold virgin, no girls and no love. For anyone. Ever. His new show love is streaming on netflix, please welcome judd apatow. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very good to see you. That was a rousing round of applause for me. Jimmy yeah, well, theyre instructed to clap. [ cheers and applause ] my level of fame is not that high to get that much. My level of fame is, if im walking down the street and somebody says, if you say judd apatow, if i say no, they go, all right. [ laughter ] i was at a the New York Times crossword puzzle two weeks ago, i got calls like, oh my god, youve really made it and i said, no, that means im still obscure enough to be a clue. Jimmy what was the clue . I dont know. Jackass jew director . Jimmy that could be so many people. [ laughter ] exactly. Jimmy its very good to see you. Good to be here. Jimmy i notice you tweeted a lot of nice things about don rickles when he passed away. Yes, i love don rickles. Did you know don . I had met him a few times. I did that talk show he had been working okay the web series. Jimmy right, i did that too. The first time i saw him, westberry music fair when i was 13, i snuck down to the front row, he eviscerated me. Jimmy thats so great. He was one of my favorites of alltime. The best time i ever saw him, i dont know if i should say this publicly. But i guess i will. Jimmy okay. I was on mushrooms. [ laughter ] jimmy the magic kind . I hope so. [ laughter ] thats what they guaranteed me. Jimmy who were you with on mushrooms . A bunch of my friends who rote for the tv show roseanne. [ applause ] this is 1990. Don rickles was opening for sinatra. And also opening p. Isidora. Jimmy oh, wow. Youd think, we should go to this on mushrooms. Jimmy yeah, well yeah. For p. Isidora for sure, yeah. We bought third row tickets. I dont do im not a big drug person. I dont react well. Jimmy youre saying this because you know your children might watch this . A lot of people do drugs with their kids. Their kids turn 18 and they smart smoking pot with their kids. Jimmy thats weird. You never did that. Jimmy no. Thats weird because i feel like people feel like, oh, now we can be friends. Now i can tell you who i really am. The truth is i love cocape. Cocaine. [ laughter ] and the neighbors who come over all the time . Your mom and i have sex with those people. [ laughter ] jimmy seems like a bad idea in general, yeah. I really dont react well to drugs. At that time i experimented. For a moment. So once we went to vegas, we took mushrooms. The whole time we walked around, i had one thought. Which i thought was genius but it was idiotic. Which was, the reason why its hot in vegas is all the acs backing up jimmy backing up . Like the heat coming out the back . Out the back, wow. The cold air goes that way, the hot air goes forwards . Thats what i thought. Jimmy you might be right there might be something to that. I dont know that a study should be done. We wanted to up our game. So we got these tickets to see him. And we wore suits and sat right up front. And then when rickles came on, we lost our minds. Jimmy i would bet so, yeah. He brought our friend on stage to do a bit. Jimmy oh, really. Rickles hugs him. Our friend looked at us like [ laughter ] then sinatra was on. Heres another dumb thought. On mushrooms i thought was smart. I thought, everybody here tonight is getting laid. [ laughter ] jimmy are those the kinds of thoughts you have on mushrooms . Im so dumb, im so dumb. I think thats all it does is you think of dumb stuff and youre like, this is pretty smart stuff right now. And then on the way home i laughed for so long that my friends were about to take me to the hospital. And then i kept going, wasnt this the best night of our lives . Lets call each other tomorrow and lets ask each other if when were sober it was the best night of our lives jimmy and . Then i called. Was it the best night of our lives . We all went, yes jimmy it really was. It was. Jimmy do you honestly remember that as the best night of your life . Well, ive had children since then. Jimmy yeah, right. There was a lot of screaming and blood. Jimmy yeah, theres a lot of mess that goes along with the having the children. I mean, certainly the result is a wonderful thing. Exactly. Jimmy i dont know that i would classify any visit to the hospital as part of the best night of my life. Okay, it was the best night of my life. Jimmy good, im glad. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, speaking of children. The show love on netflix, a show that you produce, your daughter iris is on the show. Thats right. Jimmy how old is she now . Shes 14. Jimmy shes great on the show. Oh, thank you, yeah. Jimmy shes very snotty on the show. Is she a snotty person in real life as well . Shes so cool and so smart. But we are at war right now. Because she doesnt think im funny at all. Jimmy for real she doesnt think youre funny . She says, dad, all these things that you think are funny that you say all the time are really not funny, so can you not say them . The other day out of the blue she said this to me, which is really smart but hurtful. Jimmy okay. She said, you know, dad, i hate your jokes so much that when my friends make jokes that are good jokes, i dont enjoy them because its a thing that you do. Jimmy wow. I think that might be a compliment in there somewhere if you dig deep enough. I destroy humor and joy for her. [ laughter ] jimmy the mushrooms will taking care of that, dont worry. Judd apatow is right here. Well be right back in the middle of a storm destiny struck. Did may imagine april showers bringing her fashionable, flowers at such a sunny price . Never but thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Starting at 12. 99, at olive garden. Come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. So you can enjoy family time one more time. Buy one take one, only for a limited time. At olive garden. Statake an extra 20 offls easter looks for you and your family. Thats an extra 20 off girls dresses an extra 20 off spring polos for him and an extra 20 off an embroidered dress for you. Plus, youll get kohls cash too. Kohls. Sir . You give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Yes. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Nope. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. Dude. Your crunchings scarings the fish. Annual fee. Dude. Theyre just jealous. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. excited i got one jokingly guess were having cereal for dinner. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx by the time the drugs rannd wout, i was addicted. It happened so fast. I ended up on the streets, where the drugs are cheaper and easier to get. I was a full blown heroin addict, selling my soul to get high. When i realized i needed help i didnt know where to go. But i got help and you can too. Youre not alone. Help is within reach. Call 844 reach nj or visit reachnj. Gov. The road to recovery starts now. Hey. Im back. Um there was only one towel in there. Oh. Yeah. Um natalie got all the others. You only own one towel . Yep. Big red. You have one towel and three halfempty bottles of shampoo . I have very particular hair. My mom says i look like michael landon. I dont know who that is. Hes pa on little house on the prairie. Never watched that. People also tell me i look like rachel maddow. Which i take as a huge compliment. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy rachel, on the other hand. That show is love on netflix. Youve got love, girls with the season 10 in all lay sunday night, crashing on hbo, standup comedy. Im at the ryman in nashville on april 21st. Jimmy do you enjoy that more than anything . I do. The reason i went back into standup is i wanted to lower my salary and selfesteem at the same time. Jimmy i have to say i was puzzled when i saw that you were doing it, why would anyone that didnt need to do this to himself . You love comedy more than anybody i know. Im a hoarder. Ive saved everything from my whole life and career. I in fact watched the show hoarders and root for hoarders not to throw their stuff out. [ laughter ] you might need that newsweek from 1978 about patty hearst jimmy you brought some of your things. Random items from your collection. Are they organized . No, no, no. Jimmy okay, all right. This is a funny thing. This is my first two head shots. Jimmy let me hold that up this way. Which one came first . Look at my little flips that i had there. I thought i was in a good mood. Jimmy this ones fine, this one is the one thats the problem. Look at me, the shells and the spaceships on my shirt. Jimmy thats the best part. Which is my best shirt . And that was the one. This is a note i found that don rickles sent to gary shanle. Jimmy dear gary, received your beautiful roses congratulating me on my star on the hollywood walk of fame. I had no idea you were so emotional about me. Be strong, gary, maybe ill call. [ cheers and applause ] well done, thats cute. What else do you have in here . Oh, look at that, oh, thats good. Thats good. Comedy competition when i was a kid. Jimmy on David Lettermans birthday today. Thats a wonderful thing right there. [ applause ] he was the judge. The best june of a comedy competition. Jimmy a july, wow, yeah. Youve got to throw some of this [ bleep ] away. Its very good to i dont are you yore judd has a lot of shows. Love is on netflix. You can see judd live april 21st at the wild west comedy festival in nashville on april 21st. Be right back with john mayer dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. Nightline is next, but first, this is his album, its called the search for everything. Here with the song moving on and getting over, john mayer moving on and getting over are not the same it seems to me cause youve been gone im growing older but i still cant seem to get you off my mind and i do believe i feel you all the time moving on and getting over are not the friends they used to be its been so long since i got to hold you but i still cant seem to get you off my mind and i do believe i feel you all the time all the time tell me i can have the fact youve loved me to hold onto ahh tell me i can keep the door cracked open to let light through for all my running i can understand im one text away from being back again but im moving on and im getting over im getting over im getting over i got to get over moving on and getting over its been so long it just goes to show you that i still cant seem to get you off my mind and i sure would like to see you one more time its taken me so long just to say so long maybe its all wrong but im moving on im gonna get a new girl its something i can do girl to try to get me through girl cause im moving on im moving on and im moving on im moving on and im moving on consider me as good as gone cause im moving on im moving on moving on baby this is nightline. Tonight, the blaze of tomi. Ive been sigh linesed and sidelined. Conserve tive firebrand tomi lahren in her First Television interview since she said she was banned for expressing prochoice opinions. Stay out of my guns and stay out of my body as well. How she says she was locked out of social media accounts but is fighting back. I will not lay down and play dead. Now suing for wrongful termination. Does she have a case . Plus clearing the air. The word shame comes to mind. An exclusive interview with the ceo of United Airlines on the knockdown, dragout flight fiasco that left a 69yearold doctor bloodied and said to be traumatized. You said this will never happen