And it was close, it was tied, second half i think gonzaga was up by a point. My wife went to kansas where they won a lot. She said, this is very stressful, im glad my team is not playing in this game. And i looked at her and i was like, i think you might be the missing the point of this. Shes pregnant, though, so i decided to let her stay in the house. Did any of you watch the College Basketball game last night . [ cheers and applause ] it was, is as you know, North Carolina won it, theyre National Champions once again. It wasnt a highscoring game. I think there were more capital one commercials than there were points in the game. But that didnt temper the enthusiasm of North Carolina at all. After they won, fans and students in chapel hill did what College Students often do. They set fire to a couch. Which i will say, this is something i will never understand. That couch, that couch let you sit on it the whole tournament. Supported you for every game this season. And now you win and instead of celebrating together, you burn it . [ laughter ] that would be like winning the Kentucky Derby then shooting the horse. Anyway. The big winner last night, at least here in our office, in our world, was a gentleman named brad mutual day hee. Brad works here. Everyones laughing already. Brads an interesting gentleman. He won our office pool. And, well, thats brad. You can see hes already doing great things with the money he won. [ laughter ] he blew it all on orange soda and potato chips in a can. So anyway, it looks like hes packing for the saddest camping trip ever. But i was thinking it. The weird part is brad, by Winning Office pool, brad made more money from this tournament than any of the players on the winning team. That seems fair, right . I mean, well, you know they dont get never mind. [ laughter ] anyway, the ncaa tournament is over. Now all we have is facebook, instagram, snapchat, and twitter to distract us from working while were at work. Speaking of twitter, the National Archives and Records Administration in washington, d. C. , this is where they store the constitution, the declaration of independence, the gettysburg address. They have asked the white house to save all of president trumps tweets. Everything he tweets, they want to have on record. Its important to have all the president s tweets so that future historians will be able to ga back and see what was on fox news that day. [ laughter ] by the way, i think theres already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trumps twitter account, its called Donald Trumps twitter account. [ laughter ] scroll and up youll see. The president has been very busy this week. Yesterday he signed a bill, he signed a bill yesterday that will allow Internet Service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. [ audience groaning ] he knows what the people want and he gives to it them. Now these Big Companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still cant see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. A lot of people are upset about this. Democratic politicians, privacy advocates, perverts, you name it, they dont want this to happen. But its the kind of thing you really cant make too big a deal about. You cant take a big stand. Because if you do say if you stand up and say, i dont want anyone looking at my search history, all of a sudden people are like, well what are you trying to hide . What kind of weird unicorn penises are you looking at . [ laughter ] and then, you know. Meanwhile in sweden, talk about a violation of privacy. Theres a company in sweden that instead of giving their employees access cards you keep in your wallet or around your neck, they will implant a microchip in your hand that you can use to open the door, use the printer, or buy food at the office cafeteria. Its like an identifying what would you call it, guillermo . Guillermo maybe like information or something . Jimmy exactly that, yeah. [ laughter ] would you let me put a chip inside of you, guillermo . Here at work . Guillermo anything for you, jimmy. Jimmy really, okay. Guillermo anything that makes you happy. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im not going to just put a chip in you, im going to put a whole bag of chips and guacamole in you. Guillermo im ready. Jimmy this is great, from south africa, where a man noticed three burglars trying to bre ni break into his home, he decided to have some fun with it. Ahem [ laughter ] jimmy what an incredibly polite way to scare them off. [ applause ] crime is a very important subject to me. As you may know, in addition to my work as host of this show, i am also a tv judge. I dispense justice and wisdom alongside my trusted bailiff guiller guillermo. These are real cases. We swoop in and steal them from small claims court, real lit gants who have decided to let them disputes be settled by none other than judge james. Announcer this is the plaintiff, richard townsend. He claims he hired the defendant, shira lowett, to build a meditation 39. When he hit her know he wasnt happy with her work, she refused to repair or reimburse. Hes seeking enlightment money. This is the defendant. She maintains the plaintiff approved the shrine, every step of the way, then claimed to be dissatisfied a month after delivery. Its the case of, when buddha got screwedda. Guillermo raise your right hand. Announcer what you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors, theyre litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case settled here by judge james. Guillermo rise for your honor james. I mean judge james. Jimmy that was some introduction. Guillermo the litigants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . Guillermo the lit gants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . Guillermo the litigants have been swearing your honor. Jimmy what . [ laughter ] guillermo the lit tants has been swear in your honor. Jimmy go stand over there. Guillermo all right. Jimmy you will be seated. Except for the plaintiff and department. Guillermo oh, that was my job, your honor. Jimmy sorry, go ahead and say it. Guillermo you can sit down now. Jimmy here we go, were clicking already. Lets see here. Richard townsend, you are suing shira lowa for the prepayment of a custom meditation shrine you claim was not made satisfactorily, correct . Correct. Jimmy ms. Lowa, you claim the claim he prepaid is a lie, you claim after you sent him photos of the shrine you completed he texted back that you quote nailed it. Yes. Jimmy tell me about this meditation shrine. I can show you. Jimmy please show me, thank you. Tell me what is the purpose of this meditation shrine . What is the purpose of it . Jimmy yeah. To meditate on. Jimmy you kneel on it . No, you dont sit on it. You sit in front of it. Jimmy what is it about the shrine that dissatisfied you . There were several things about the shrine that dissatisfied me. There was a real lack of attention of detail to went into this. If you look at the right side of the piece of work, you can see one corner its riveted, the other corner its not riveted. Heres what it looks like when its not riveted up close. You can see that the corner peels up. Jimmy youre very picky for a guy who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. Lets get to the big point. I told her, we discussed this clearly, that the fabric that was going to be put on was going to need to be stretched for obvious reasons, we dont want to show wrinkles, we dont want to show exactly what it shows in the picture. Look at the creases and imperfections. It wasnt pulled tight. Jimmy did it look good when you received it . No, this is the way it looked the moment i took it out of the box. Jimmy isnt it relatively simple to stretch the fabric . Do you want to talk about that . Jimmy who the hell this is . I did the fabric portions. We talked about Different Solutions to making the fabric work. Jimmy how much would it cost to fix the piece . For the panels, no more than 1,000 for the panel sections. I candle straight how it should have been done. With respect to this gentleman hes suffering a lack of imagination. Guillermo a what . Jimmy hes got the devil on his arm, think hes got some imagination. As far as you nailed it goes. When did you get that email from mr. Townsend . This is the text message string of photos. And then i finished the project. And at the very end of those photos is his response. Those are photographs, your honor. Jimmy you saw the photographs, based on the photographs they looked good. Exactly. Jimmy when you saw it in person, you were not happy with it . Correct, exactly. Jimmy whats your relationship like now . You were friends beforehand . Were still friends now. No. I yeah, no. Jimmy when youre meditating do you think about this sometimes . Get angry . I try not to. Jimmy isnt one of the tenets of buddhism to reject material possessions . No, its not. Its not a tenet, no. Jimmy seems like it should be, right . Guillermo yeah. Yeah, on that ive had in the same folder you were looking at, there was a bunch more pieces of previous and current work that ive been doing. Jimmy are there any games on this ipad . Gales, i dont know, probably. Jimmy are there any pictures of you in a bikini . Welding, yes, actually. Jimmy then ill go through this. All right. Meditate. Ill be back with my ruling. Announcer will judge james rule in favor of captain cleavage . Or will he jump through hoop earrings to find in favorite of the defendant . Will his bumbling bailiff be able to put together a coherent sentence . Jimmy what . Announcer judge james verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were going to take a break. When we come back, the thrilling conclusion to judge james. So stick around [car engine failing to start] [clicking of ignition] uh wha woof eeh woof wuh [silence] [engine roars to life] [dog howls] dramatic opera music swells from radio [howling continues] get play proof kids gearhls built for springtime fun like jumping beans dresses for only 12 7 mix and match tops and bottoms and carters sandals 19. 99. Youll get kohls cash too. Play proof guarantee only at kohls. Discover italys lighter side, at olive garden with new tastes of the mediterranean recipes that put a fresh spin on traditional italian made with simple, wholesome ingredients inspired by italys mediterranean coast. Indulge in italys lighter side at olive garden. A new chip thats deliciously thin ovenbaked to perfection. With spectacular flavor. Crisp thins. The new taste from ritz. Try them. In four flavors. It takes two to make iit outta sight ake a thing go right it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make it outta sight ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. She pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress. But once a week i let her play sheriff so i can wash it. I use tide to get out those week old stains and downy to get it fresh and soft. You are free to go. Tide and downy together. Starting at 12. 99, at olive garden. Come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. So you can enjoy family time one more time. Buy one take one, only for a limited time. At olive garden. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Pierce brosnan, jenny slate, music from dustin lynch is on the way. I dont know if you heard this. Arnold schwarzenegger announced hes planning to make more terminator movies. I think thats what he said, anyway. Very difficult to understand. He may have said he needs an exterminator at his house. He said hes looking forward to doing another terminator movie and reports that the terminator fran cheese was finished were inaccurate, it is not finished. I have to say, if only there was some kind of catch phrase he could use to let us know that hell be back. [ laughter ] there would be no question about this. In other news from the 1990s, aol and yahoo announced that theyre merging to form a new Company Called oath. Which thats big news. Thats like hearing blockbuster is merging with radio shack. [ laughter ] like when the two saddest, drunkest people at the bar hook up. [ laughter ] you feel kind of good for them but also bad. A lot of people in the industry are wondering what they have planned. Its very mysterious. Today oath put out this short video to give us a taste what was they have up their collective sleeve. Aol and yahoo , two internet titans join forces to form oath. A revolutionary Technology Company pushing the envelope to bring you a time machine. Capable of taking us all back to 1998. Where aol and yahoo were still relevant. Oath. Where every day is throwback thursday. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats interesting. All right. Well. I cant wait to ask jeeves about that. All right. Time to go back to our courtroom. As our legal drama comes to a head in part two of judge james. Announcer this barechested buddhist says the piece of work he commissioned from the confedera defendant is a piece of [ bleep ]. The defendant disagrees. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Jimmy you may be seated. So ive given this a lot of thought. By the way, i thought you were kidding about the bikini shots. Your artwork is very good and i like the bikini shots as well. Did you open another button since i was gone . I dont think so. Jimmy all right, so bottom line is this. You made the shrine, it looked good in the photos that you sent him. When he got the shrine, he was unhappy. We still dont know for sure how much it would cost to fix that fabric. But i called in an expert. Can we please send in our expert . He goes by the name mr. Fabric. Mr. Fabric . Mr. Fabric, in your expert opinion, how much would it cost to fix the imperfections in the the shrine . Guillermo hm. Ill say like like 2,600. 2,600. 42. Jimmy 2,600. 42. That is half the cost of the shrine. I award the plaintiff 2,600. 42. Namaste. Guillermo all right this case is finished. Everybody can leave. Judge james has rendered his verdict. Lets speak with the defendant. How do you feel about the decision . I hope that his meditation practice improves with less wrinkles. You do, okay. He says youre still friends. Do you have plans this weekend with the plaintiff . Definitely not. No . No, no. Okay. Go back and meditate, guillermo has some things for you to sign. Now the plaintiff, the big winner. Are you happy with the verdict . Im very satisfied, i feel great. Riveting testimony about rivets. Why dont you use a rivet to close up that shirt. Thank you. Announcer on the next judge james i travel, i travel. Im dressing, your honor, im dressing. Jimmy what are you dressing to . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good show, music from dustin lynch, jenny slade is here. Be right back with Pierce Brosnan dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by, new Flonase Sensimist allergy relief. Learn how to be greater than your allergies with the eh bee family at begreater the flonase. Com. Welcome to maxx you. 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[ding] ohhhh. What was it . Bank on it. Ohh, the new scratchoff from the pennsylvania lottery. With top prizes of 300 grand oh, i knew what it was the entire time. [laughter] keep on scratchin. Jimmy hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, from the new movie gifted a very gifted woman jenny slate is here. Then this is his new single, its called small town boy dustin lynch from the mercedesbenz stage. You can see dustin this weekend at the tortuga Music Festival in fort lauderdale. Tomorrow night Eric Stonestreet will be here, we have something very special with lena dunham and the cast of girls, riz ahmed will join us, and well have music from cold war kids. And thursday adam sandler, nathalie emmanuel, and music from starley. Please join us for all of that. If looks, talent and charisma werent looked down upon in our sick society, im sure our first guest would have gone much further in life. He plays texas oilman Eli Mccullough in the tv adaptation of the book the son. I got him. Horse neighing ] the son premieres saturday night on jimmy how are you . Im good, thanks, im is it horse and hit a guy on the head . It seems goes thats about as much fun as it could be. I like horses. Fall off the damn thing. Ive ridden horses all my life. Guise over the head, can be fun. But it was darn hot out summert last summer. It was austin, texas. Jimmy so it it was fun, yea. But you get up and the heat advisory is 105 or something jimmy that was a mistake. Its funny soting things up in vancouver. And the one time you decued sw your balls off. Ep. Im hot, the theal done jmy how do you figut out . Do you have a coach that comes this show. So i had a coach. En i began to e nelson, and from willie n perryo waylon jennings. Jimmy wow. End jimmy is that right . I listened to him a lot. And then i thats funny. Knows. Hter ] no, i dont think he does know. Ay imagine that would be i guess that would be a compliment . Wouldnt it . For himself whether its a compliment. That was a tricky part of doing it. Th id read the book. The book came out in 2013. By t really got to finish it because we actually. Jimmy the book burned in the fire . The book burnt in the fire. Jimmy , why. Aston martin burnt in the a burnt in the fire . When youre james bond doesnt another aston martin just magically . I wish. I wish. Jimmy oh, wow. That is boy, thats a when your house burns down. It didnt burn down all the way, it was in the garage. Jimmyn it was just, you know, smoke and stuff like ya bad omen that the book youre reading burns in a fire in your house, and then they ask you to [ laughter ] no, didnt cross my mind. G austin. Based on that fact alone. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i guess i should have, you know . Well, an actors life. It was a great jobow. It opens up here very shortly. Jimmy we talked about this last time you why here. How much do you devote to that, painting . Well, im doing more of to hw in paris at the end of the year. Jimmy oh, wow. Yeah. The boat out and show the work. Jimmy does that make you nervous . Uh jimmy i would think so. I kind ofkon if i can sing in mamma mia i can throw. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats a good way of looking at it. This will be at a will your paintings be for sale . Will people be able to buy them . Thats the idea. I think this curator, this woman, she said maybe three or four pieces. And, you know. Have them go off to a good collector, stuff like that. Jimmy i see. You only have three or four piece in the show . No, no, ill have about 30 pieces in the show. Jimmy i see. Ive got about 153 pieces over the years. Jimmy oh, really, wow. I want to show a couple of them if you dont wamind. This is the preshow show. I really like this one, i would buy this one. Is this one for sale . That is for sale. Jimmy it is, okay. This is fidel castro. He was on the cover of cigar aficionado and i just painted it. My paintings take a long time, not because im a great painter, because im a lazy painter. [ laughter ] anyway. This is a wall in cuba. 25 foot long. My wife keyly and i were there years ago. 15 foot high. Put it at the bottom of the painting. Jimmy this is a selfportrait. Kind of a selfportrait. Really its a portrait of you playing a character . Its from a movie i did called the matador. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy and again, theres another theme here that we can see. Is that your aston martin . [ laughter ] no. I should have known then. Wow. Jimmy theres a lot going on here with you. Thats crazy. Thats crazy. Yeah its the opening of the movie, really. Jimmy this is something you did for your son. Your son is a musician. And this is his album cover, right . That is my son dylan. Dylan brosnan. Hes a musician. Hes at film school here at usc. But he wanted to be a musician. [ applause ] jimmy did he ask you to do this for him . Yeah, he did. Its called raspberry blond. Thats the name of his band. Its called belong. Jimmy does he pay you to do slide . No. Jimmy not even for the supplies or anything . [ laughter ] nada. Hes not making much money. Jimmy this is just proof that youve been doing it a long time. Oh, god. Jimmy there you are. Yes. Jimmy thats a great look. Thats your painting outfit . [ applause ] it was a crazy shirt i had. It was my inner self coming out. Jimmy theyre applauding the shirt. Thats something else. Thats the way it goes. But anyway. Thats the intention. Jimmy that looks like something you really love. Do you love that more than acting, painting . I like both equally, yes. I love being an actor, ive been an act area long time now. Ive had the good fortune to be skill at the table, to be doing this in this profession. But the painting is something thats come into the jimmy i have an acting photo, something Ryan Reynolds posted. It results in a flurry of internet rumors. You, ryan whos covering his face, and hugh jackman doing the hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil thing. People thought, after this was posted, people said, oh. Pierce is going to play cable in the next deadpool movie. Are you going to play cable . Not true. Nothings come my way yet. Jimmy so that is completely made up . Its completely made up. We were sitting wait for a plane, the three of us. The guy said, quick, lets get a photograph. Jump in the middle, mr. Reynolds said lets do three wise monkeys. Put it out there and it went viral. Jimmy they assume, because there were two superheroes, you would also abobecome a superper. Are you lying to us . I dont lie. They know where to find me. Its fabrication. Jimmy if you were signed to play cable in deadpool 2 and they told you dont say anything about it, would you tell me right now . I would tell you everything. Jimmy you would tell me everything . Yeah im that kind of guy, really, sure. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy okay, i believe you, then. Well, the show is based on this book was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize before it burned in your house. [ laughter ] i bought another copy. Anyway. Yeah. Philip myer. He was the one who wrote the book. And its a brilliant book so if you like the book, you read the book, think youll really enjoy the series why its called the son. Premieres saturday night at 9 00 on amc. Pierce brosnan, everybody. Thank you, pierce. Thank you, pierce. Be right back. F. Lby day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Everythings on sale a Home Shopping show takes place on a sailboat. Thats the one banana boat dessert on me. 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Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Dude. Your crunchings scaring the fish. Dude. Theyre just jealous. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. excited i got one jokingly guess were having cereal for dinner. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry jimmy oh, hello, you caught us doing light gardening. Were in the middle of allergy season and no one is struggling more than my amigo guillermo. Guillermo thats right, jimmy. I wish there was an overthecounter nasal spray to prove powerful relief with a gentle mist jimmy what . To prove powerful relief . Guillermo to provide. Jimmy oh, to provide. Guillermo to provide powerful relief with a gentle mist you can barely feel. Jimmy thats a very specific wish you have, guillermo. What i would recommend is that you try new flonase allergy relief, 24hour relief for itchy, watery eyes, nasal congestion, runny, itchy nose, and sneezing too. Guillermo wow, i feel like a new man. Jimmy you havent even opened it yet. [ laughter ] guillermo oh, okay. Im going to go home and do that. Jimmy what about the rest of these weeds . Theyre not going to guillermo no hablo ingles. Jimmy ive seen you hablo ingles dicky learn how you can be greater than your allergies. Jimmy well be right back with jenny slate e allergies ho . Break through your allergies. Try new Flonase Sensimist instead of allergy pills. Its more complete allergy relief in a gentle mist you may not even notice. Using unique mistpro technology, new Flonase Sensimist delivers a gentle mist to help block six key inflammatory substances that cause your symptoms. Most allergy pills only block one. And six is greater than one. Break through your allergies. New Flonase Sensimist i got it. 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With seven hydrating gel pools. That give you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Schick hydro ® free your skin. ® it takes two to make iit outta sight ake a thing go right it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make it outta sight indid may imagine april showersy bringing her fashionable, flowers at such a sunny price . Never but thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. alarm ringing wake up to great tasting flavor. alarm stops belvita breakfast biscuits. Flavors like delicious blueberry or decadent chocolate, gently baked in a tasty biscuit. alarm ringing belvita breakfast biscuits. Its time to taste the day. Jimmy hi, welcome back. Still to come, music from dustin lynch. Our next guest is an actress, comedian, writer and the voice of the worlds bestknown mollusk. Starting friday, you can see her in the new movie gifted. Please say hello to jenny slate. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look fantastic. Thank you. Jimmy you just had a birthday, happy birthday. I did, thank you so much. Jimmy did you celebrate . Did you have a thing . I did. I took my parents on vacation. Jimmy that was your celebration . Yeah. [ laughter ] i know. We got there and i was like, oh, this was the choice . But actually, thats really rude, because it was really thats really rude. My moms like jimmy does your mother get upset . She got upset watching, yeah, she did. Jimmy where did you guys go . We went to mexico. Jimmy oh, okay, wow. No one had bathroom issues. Thats like the question. Jimmy yeah, yeah. It was fine. Jimmy good, thats good. Yeah, i feel like thats not the thing youre supposed to say right away. Jimmy no, yeah. Usually we ease into that sort of thing but go ahead. The resort was beautiful. Would have been a fine thing to say. Jimmy life was good. Yeah, i just want to tell our nation that i didnt have diarrhea. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, thats great, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] guiller guillermos pretty happy about that too. Guillermo yeah, good. Thanks, man, yeah. Jimmy so just you and your mom and dad . Yeah, and you know, first i was like well, i brought a gal pal with me too. Jimmy oh, okay. But it was like youre still taking your parents. Jimmy well, its nice. It is. And it was like, okay, we got there, and i was like, is it weird that im 30 hm years old and taking my parents on vacation for my birthday . Then i was like, there are tons of other people here on vacation with their parents. And i said that to my friend. And she was like, those people are teenagers. [ laughter ] and i saw the teenagers and i was like, im like you, im just like you. Jimmy did they respond and agree . Or no . Theyre teenagers, they eternally do not want to talk to me, including when i was a teenager and they were like, no. Jimmy so you have some history people unattractive to teenagers . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy what is a vacation like with the slate family . Is it fun . Are they adventurous . We are not adventurous. Were sort of sit down and read your book like jewish people. Jimmy gotcha, okay. [ laughter ] but we dont burn which is great. Jimmy you dont burn. Yeah. Super anxious, but we dont burn, and no one got diarrhea, did i say that . Ill say it again. Jimmy you did mention. Well this one was really good. Weve had some really bad ones. You have. This one was lovely. Jimmy tell me about the worst one. What is the worst one that you went on . How old were you . I was 22 years old. Jimmy oh, okay, again. Another adult vacation. Yeah. Jimmy with mom and dad. This is not jimmy this is getting sadder and sadder as it goes on. I know. So like what am i doing . Jimmy weve got to get you some friends. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy where did you go on this terrible vacation . We went to key west. In florida. Jimmy okay. My dad wanted to meet like all the stray cats that hemingway had or Something Like that. Jimmy oh, right. Lots of strays. It was just like, why are we here . A vacation thats a dad vacation is like, this isnt for anyone but ron. You know . Jimmy yeah. Ron. This is why it was bad. Okay. First of all, i stepped in a dead rat. Like in a dead rat. Jimmy in . It was dead a lot. A lot around. Such a bummer. I was wearing flipflops. Jimmy oh, no. Yeah. Twaus the rat, a lot of the inside of himself was on the outside of himself, whoo cl jimmy like a banana peel. But a rat. In the baking key west sun. Then they made us go to a jewish cemetery. [ laughter ] there was a gravestone, it literally didnt have a voice but what it said was, i told you i was sick [ laughter ] jimmy wow. Yeah. [ applause ] thank you so much. So that was like, whoo, this is rough. And then i was like, im 22. I like film now. Lets go see a movie. And the movie that was playing was the motorcycle diaries. And youre like, thats not the joke. So we were crossing the street to go to the movie theater. And a biker, like a renegade bad man, came down the street and he bicycled his bike into my fathers into his penis. Hit my dad like right in the crotch. My dad was like, oooh our whole family, my sisters and my mom, were all just crying so hard. Because like my dad is just hes just this huge accident. And but in that moment i became a hero. And i was like, how dare you to the dude. I would never start a fight but i was like, bikes have the same rules as cars, youre going the wrong way, your just hit my dad in the penis and my mom was like, jenny, stop. Stop. Hes already such a bad man that hes biking the wrong way what will he do next . [ laughter ] so i was like, yes, i do, but i was afraid now, oh my god im in the fight, oh my god im in the fight. And i was like, they do have the same rules as cars, sir then i thought since i said sir this will all just well sit on down. Jimmy sure, respectfully. Instead he was like, oh they do . And then he called me the c word. Jimmy oh, no. Yeah. He was like well, he said that, yeah. Jimmy wow. Im afraid i cant say it. The c word. Jimmy at this point is your dad still writhing on the ground . Oh, yeah, my dad is still fully like and he kept saying to it me and my family went into the movies and watched the movie like this. Then, oh, this is a really bad vacation, i guess it probably couldnt get worse. Then we got back to our hotel. My mom tried to break the tension of the day by looking at me, like assuming a sort of stance, then in a stage whisper which is like you know a loud whisper meant for the stage. She goes, good night, you little then also said the bad word. [ laughter ] jimmy thats funny. So a positive twist on the whole thing. Yeah, a positive twist when your mom calls you the c word in the lobby of a hotel. Jimmy now youre in the movies yourself. You went from going to the movies to being in the movies. Yes. Jimmy amazing transformation. Its the american dream. Jimmy it really is. This movie you play a schoolteacher. I do. Jimmy and are these all actor kids that youre teaching . They were old people dressed as children. Jimmy wow. Very convincing by the way. They were, they were little children. And they were sweeties. And i also didnt really want them to know that i wasnt a teacher so i just kept pretending to be a teacher. Jimmy you did . Yeah, in between takes. Thats smart. So then they dont have in between takes. How do you pretend to be a teacher in between takes . That was the thing. I was like, im not going to break character. Oh my god, what do i know that i could even teach them . Who can name all the beatles . [ laughter ] like quizes that your dad does in the car. Jimmy yeah, right, yeah. Like whats the nickname of john f. Kennedy . Youre like, jack it is, it was. Hes dead. Jimmy oh, no. He died. [ laughter ] jimmy hit by a bicycle. I am so soar i. He got hit in the penis with a bicycle on vacation. Jimmy oh my gosh. So bad. Im so sorry. American history. Jimmy good to see you. Go see the movie, jenny plays the teacher in it, she doesnt know anything. Gifted opens friday and everywhere april 21st. Be right back with dustin lynch jenny slate. [ cheers and applause ] dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. If youve got a life, you gotta swiffer starting at 12. 99, at olive garden. Come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. So you can enjoy family time one more time. Buy one take one, only for a limited time. At olive garden. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank Pierce Brosnan, jenny slate and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. Nightline is next but first, here with the song small town boy dustin lynch [ cheers and applause ] im a dirt road in the headlights im a mamas boy im a fist fight kinda county line kinda cold beer little hat down little john deere i kinda give a damn i kinda dont care you see that girl standing right there she loves a small town boy like me shes my ride or die baby shes my cool shes my crazy shes my laid back in the front seat shes my with me to the end girl im turning it up to ten girl she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be she loves a small town boy like me she likes my tshirt she likes my old boots likes to slow dance to some old school shell take a full moon over those city nights i aint scared to get all up in those bright lights yeah, i can smooth it out i can stick it up i guess thats why she cant get enough of a small town boy like me shes my ride or die baby shes my cool shes my crazy shes my laid back in the front seat shes my with me to the end girl im turning it up to ten girl she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be she loves a small town boy like me she loves a small town boy like me yeah yeah im her sure thing im her go to im her rock star she aint gon ever lose small town boy like me im her ride or die baby im her cool im her crazy im her laid back in the front seat im so with you till the end girl lets turn it up to ten girl she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be she loves a small town boy like me shes my ride or die baby shes my cool shes my crazy shes my laid back in the front seat shes my with me to the end girl ill turn it up to ten girl she can have anybody that she wants to be anywhere she wants to be she loves a small town boy like me she loves a small town boy like me small town boy like me she loves a small town boy like me this is nightline. Hell on earth. An horrific chemical attack in syria. One of the worst in the sixyear civil war, killing children. World leaders blaming the assad regime. Tonight a rare look inside this warravaged country. Not only are they fleeing a war zone, theyre doing it with young children. On the ground with families trapped in isiscontrolled territory. Living in fear. Desperate to escape. Plus speechless. The family of a boy with Cerebral Palsy fights for their slice of happiness in this groundbreaking comedy. Thats the finger. People come up with tears in their eyes, so many special needs families saying, you are me. The talented cast and how the show stays both heartfelt and irreverent. My line was, having