Jimmy we have a fun show for you tonight from the new movie the nice guys, Russell Crowe is here. The very, very funny and i rarely put two funnies together, Mike Birbiglia is with us. And the reason that the whole place smells like puchuly oil and pot tonight, dead and company is here. [ applause ] a combination of the grateful dead, the almond brothers all together. Theyre going to play for a couple of hours. Theyll only do one song though. [ applause ] we need them right now. Because according to a new study, l. A. Has the most or best road rage in the United States. We are number one road rage wise. [ applause ] we have the unique ability to get blinded with fury on the the way home from a yoga class here. The study ranked American Cities with the number of instugram posts with the road rage. Maybe theyre mad because theyre posting to instagram on the road. Its a dumb city but its probably right. We just spend more time having it on the road in traffic. My favorite part about road rage in l. A. Is that when you yell at somebody or theres mutual flipping off, then cryou have t drive right neck toxt to them fe next 45 minutes. This gentleman made our local 10 00 news for being a little too chilled out. Police were called to an intersection near san diego, where a driver had passed out behind the wheel. The car was still in drive but the foot was on the brake. They finally woke him up. He was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. They thought they heard a dog growling in the backseat but it was just the guys buddy passed out, snoring. Why didnt he go to jail too . You can get arrested for being passed out in the back of a car . Because if thats true, my 2yearold daughter should be in prison right now. Meanwhile in england, and this is something you have to see to believe. A College Student passed out drunk and his friends duct taped him, which is step one and they put him on some kind of an office chair [ laughter] sorry about that. They took him out for a bite. Hamburger, french fries. Off to the bar. They ordered just what he needed, more drinks. They gave him a straw. And then to a night club. He is brought in like a parade float. Celine dion is the only thing able to bring him back to life. Its like a sequel to weekend at bernies without the dead guy. I cant decide whether he has the best or worst friends. I saw no teeth or crumpts in that video at all. [ applause ] here in california, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent Water Conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it wont. Water is a Precious Resource in california. We need it for our bongs. And weve reduced our water use by 24 over the last couple years, we need to do as much as we can to conserve and thats why i hired a team of conservation scientists to develop this thing that this man is squatting in front of me. [ laughter] [ applause ] all right. So, this is a toilet seat insert. It says its our governor. It says if its brown, flush it down, otherwise, let it mellow. Go to our website, which is jimmy kimmel live. Com. You download it, print it on your picture and cut out the shape of whatever your particular toilet seat is, get scotch tape and tape it right there, so every time you lift the toilet seat up, you can see it to remind you. [ applause ] have we asked Governor Brown for an official indorsement of this . We have. Nothing yet . I think he would be thrilled to be in all of our toilets. Imagine to say there i am, right . Ill tell you something when donald trump is president , we wont have a problem with the drought because well all be drinking delicious trump water. Im told its the best. There were primaries in wa est virginia and nebraska. Do we really even need a president . I mean, honestly, nobody seems to listen to them anyway. But the california primary doesnt happen until june 7th, which is a month away. Every state gets to vote before california. No offense, but name one beach boy song about west virginia. [ applause ] jimmy donald trump is expected to do very well in west virginia, partly because he has no opponents and because the states demographics fit his four main supportive categories, white voters, older voters, those that have been struck repeatedly in the head with large lumps of coal. He has selected current new Jersey Governor Chris Christie to lead his transition team. Christie has been a key advisor. It surprises me he has advisors. Where were they when he went on facebook to post that taco bowl . Thats the story Chris Christie should be advising on. The man is built on taco bowls. Chris christie, even though hes an advisor, hes not ruling out the possibility to be trumps running bhatmate. He said he will block that bridge when he gets to it. This might be the reason trump is headlining a fund raiser to help Chris Christie pay back his campaign debt. He owes more than 400 thousand. So, theyre having an event to raise cash to pay it back. Who has a few thousand bucks, i could donate this to orphans but i think instead ill use it to cover christie campaigns unpaid pizza bill. These guys so sgeagainst donald trump, Chris Christie, rick perry, this is rick perry from last year. Let no one be mistaken. Donald trumps candidacy is a cancer on conservativism and must be clearly diagnosed, kp s exiced and discarded. Jimmy does donald trump have a magic bill cosby pill hes slipping in [ applause ] rick perry is kind of desperately putting himself out there as a Vice President ial prosect. He paid for an ad supporting trump that attempts to put a spin on why he initially compared the man to cancer. This is Texas Governor rick perry. Last year i called donald trump a cancer. Donald trumps candidacy is a cancer on conservetism and today im proud to support that cancer for president of the United States. We need growth and thats what cancer is, a growth. And some cancers often die. Heck, i have a great uncle with the disease in his colon. They said dont even operate. I believe thats the kind of cancer donald trump will be as president. Thats why i will be proud to stand beside him. I can be like i dont know, hemorrhoids, popping up all across america. This election, americans have a choice. Do you want foir more years of the same failed liberal agenda or hemorrhoids and cancer . I know youll make the right choice. [ applause ] jimmy have to weigh that out. We have to take a break. Those people, those two mystery individuals are the parents of a famous person. I dont know who the famous person is but when we come back, im going to try to guess. Well find out that, hopefully next. Stick around. Well be right back. Snoelths tmobile does data differently. While the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use. Now, tmobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services. Free without using one bit of your lte data. Plus, you can roll your unused data forward. Nobody does data like tmobile. Get four lines. With ten gigs of 4g lte data each. For just thirtyfive bucks per line. From tmobile. At our Retirement Plan today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat changing the oil. vo its surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. Pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side jimmy tonight on the show we have music from dead company, Mike Birbiglia is here, and tonight were going to get to know wuone of them even better getting to know one of their mom and dad. I dont know whose mom and dad they are. We saw them a minute ago. Lets meet our mystery celebrity parents. Now, may i ask i guess the first question is im going to ask yes or no questions. Is your child a male . Yes. Jimmy all right. I dont know if thats politically correct to ask or not. The childs got to be pretty young to act or singer or whatever. Im going to look at the pictures on your refrigerator. Go ahead. Jimmy i dont feel like i can tell anything. And now im looking at your faces and in a way, it does. They ring two bells but i cant figure out what bells they are. Has your child ever been on my show . Yes. Yes. Jimmy is your child an actor . Yes. Jimmy okay. Is your child a musician . Not not officially. Jimmy okay. Strictly an actor. Has your child ever humiliated you publicly . Not intentionally. Kind of. Jimmy has your child ever thanked you in an acceptance speech of some kind . No. In our dreams, he has. Only in our dreams. Jimmy is your child part of a celebrity power couple . No, no i dont think so. Um, no. Maybe one day. Jimmy all right. Is your child me . Was i adopted . Are you my real parents . Hes always wanted to be. Jimmy interesting. Interesting. Wow. This is based strictly on res resemblance. Is your child Michael Sarah . No, but not a bad guess. Not a bad guess. Jimmy pretty good guess. Is your child a movie star . He has been in movies. Jimmy is he a Television Star . He has been on tv. Jimmy is he primarily known as a Television Star . No. Jimmy is he primarily known as a movie star . Yes. Jimmy does he have his own fragrance . He does, actually. Dont say it. No. Its not perfume. Jimmy oh, is his fragrance illegal in states other than colorado and washington . I didnt say that. No. Jimmy all right. Okay. Does your child have a famous best friend . Yes. Famousish. Jimmy is your child older than 30 . Yes. Yeah. Jimmy okay. Guillermo, can you help me on this at all . Ask them if the kid lives in hawaii. Jimmy is your son tom selleck . No. Jimmy all right. Does your son live in hawaii . No. No, no. Jimmy what kind of a question was that . I thought he was woody harrelson. That would be a valiant move. Jimmy i think theyre too young to be woody harrelsons son. Cleet you have any help . Seth rogen. Jimmy oh. I did not think of you as canadians. Is your child seth rogen . Very well done cleo. You got it. Jimmy mr. And mrs. Roguen, you guys seem so normal. We are. Jimmy where did that funny hair come from on seths hair . When i had her hair, i had curls. One day. Jimmy when seth was a young man, did you smell weed around the house . He always told us it was somebody elses. Jimmy and you believed that, huh . Of course we did. Jimmy wow, its very nice of you guys to do this and you must be very, very proud of your son. Proud of both our children. Jimmy but more of seth though, right . Do you have any of his projects youd like to plug right now . Neighbors 2. [ applause ] jimmy thank you very much, mr. And mrs. Rogen, everybody. Jimmy tonight on the show we have music from dead company, Mike Birbiglia is here, and well be right back with Russell Crowe. I have a blog called daddy doing work, its funny that ive been in the news for being a dad. Windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. School, grocery shopping. My face can unlock this computer. Thats crazy. Macbooks are not able to do that. Hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon i need that in my world. Anything that makes my life easier, im using. And windows is doing that. Create your own seafood trios you can try something new with every bite. Pick 3 of 9 allnew creations for 15. 99. Like baked lobster alfredo chimichurri shrimp and crab cakes bursting with crab meat. Just hurry in before it ends. p. That, you haveit, wait yoto rinse it first like. Thats baked on alfredo. Bakedon . Its never gonna work. Dish issues . Cascade platinum. Powers. Through. Your toughest stuckon food. So let your dishwasher be the dishwasher. See . Told you it would work. Cascade. In all these years have you ever made love to a member of the band . Im gay. Jimmy so, the answer is no . Thats right, no. Than playing all about the bens with top prizes of a hundred grand . Winning,. On the spot. Play all about the bens from the pennsylvania lottery, and you could win. On the spot. Keep on scratchin you may know what its like to deal with high. And low blood sugar. Januvia sitagliptin is a oncedaily pill that, along with diet and exercise, helps lower blood sugar. Januvia works when your blood sugar is high and works less when your blood sugar is low, because it works by enhancing your bodys own ability to lower blood sugar. Plus januvia, by itself, is not likely to cause weight gain or low blood sugar hypoglycemia . Januvia should not be used in patients with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Tell your doctor if you have a history of pancreatitis. 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For help lowering your blood sugar talk to your doctor about januvia. He could install your ceiling fan. Ce said he couldnt. And that one time ron said another chili dog was a good idea. Yeah, it wasnt. So when ron said youd never afford a john deere tractor, you knew better. Now ron does too. The e series. Legendary john deere quality. Unexpected low price. E series compact tractors come with an industrybest, sixyear, nocost powertrain warranty. [ applause ] jimmy tonight, a very funny guy who made an excellent new movie about the world of improv comedy. Its called dont think twice. Mike birbiglia is here. [ applause ] then later, a supergroup that includes three members of the grateful dead, one member of the allman brothers, and another member of john mayer, who happens to be john mayer, dead and company from the samsung outdoor stage. You can see them on tour live this summer, starting june 10th in charlotte, north carolina. Tomorrow night on the show, alec baldwin will be here. Riley keough will join us, and well have music from cole swindell. And thursday, kerry washington, shonda rhimes, rob gronkowski, and music from goo goo dolls. So, please join us then. Our first guest tonight is an oscar and golden globewinning actor and Australian National treasure with a very funny new movie, the nice guys, costarring ryan gosling, opens may 20th. Please say hello to Russell Crowe. [ applause ] jimmy how you doing . Pretty good, man, how you doing . Jimmy i heard you road a bicycle here tonight . Yeah, just like to have a little bit of bike ride. I ride in pretty much every city. It gives me a north, south, east, west and gives me extra time to think about what im going to do. Jimmy are you in disguise . Well, im in helmet and glasses and a beard. But its amazing because youll be riding down the street with the helmet and the wrap around glasses and the beard and somebody will go, hey, russell. What parted of me did you recognize . Is it my ear lobe or something . Jimmy you sent a coffee show to our whole staff. That was nice. Were alert. I wanted everybody to be awake. Jimmy were awake all day. I have the jitters i drank so much coffee. Ryan gosling, from his account you hit it off in a big way. I watched the segment. I heard what he said, man. Jimmy i think if you werent pals, he wouldnt have made any jokes about you. Its so easy to get on with him. I mean, hes so present, available. Hes just so empthetic, its absolutely nauseating. Jimmy not to mention a handsome devil. The whole 6pack thing. The [ bleep] [ applause ] hes a lovely fellow. Jimmy he told us a story you tried to get him into australian rugby. This sounds like the most fun thing you could do with your money. You bought your home town rugby team. If the opportunity comes up for you, dont do it. Investment wiese, money wise, its doing pretty good but the emotional investment is very difficult. And of course, when youre just a fan you get to say anything about anyone. You can just makeup if somebody disappointments you, you can get turets. But when your are the boss, yo have to be circumspect and even with all the players at all time and curb your passion a little bit. Because they would always take photographs up of me in the stand doing things like this. I realize thats having a detrimental effect on the spirit of my squad. I had to chill it back a little bit. Jimmy here in the United States the owner gets a lot of abuse too. Its not just the players. South city is the oldest Rugby League Team formed in 1908. But for the 20 years prior to me taking over in 2006, they had become essentially purennial losers. So, the fact that they have resparked from being perennial losers to being competitive and dominant. And then we lifted the trophy for the first time in 30 years. So, i brought hats for you. Jimmy nice. Why are they called the rabid os . Back in 1788, there was a duke that managed to put on board one of the boats some rabbits to go hunting. And over time, cut to a couple hundred years later, the rabbits were investing the prime pastor land, so there was a job you could have, you would be paid to shoot rabbits. Youd get money from the government for the pelt and y d youd have the meat to stand on the street. So, just like newspaper vendors, theyll be out on the street calling out rabbit o . And some of the main players were either a rabbit os or knew people directly related to that. Thats our signal. Jimmy that rabbit better run. Because thats how they get paid. We do the same thing with the wages. If they dont get the rabbits, they dont get paid. Jimmy are your sons fans of the teams you like . They are. My oldest isnt really sport focussed, but my youngest definitely is and theyre fans of the team and we go to the games. Jimmy do they have a choice . If they decided to root for another team, would that be accepted . My youngest had that concept, he came to me and said hed been discussing it at school and thought he might follow such and such a team and i was very even and explained i thought it was going to be quite difficult given his age because rents are quite high in that area and also as he wasnt okay with eve cn a microwave, i wasnt sure how he was going to feed himself. But fine, you can support any team jimmy rabbit os it is. More with Russell Crowe after this. Life is a sport. We are the utility. The new ford escape. Has more highspeed data nowthan ever before. Reless. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. More music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans our unlimited plan with 5gb of highspeed data. Or double your data for just 10 bucks more. Find out more at straighttalkswitch. 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And smart people, like this person, say theres about to be even more water. Theres about to be even more water. Ok, smile. In fact, theres so much water out there, why in the world would you get a phone that cant get wet . Ok, try again. The new waterresistant galaxy s7 edge. Get your own liquid gold. Go on, git theres gold in them thar shells. Liquid gold. Dont get upset, im not here to hurt you. Just want to ask you a question. How stupid do you think i am . Ever since you little visit this little babys going to stay right here. [ laughter] look away. You know theres a mirror here, right . Close your eyes. Jimmy that is Russell Crowe. Nice guys opens in theaters next friday. This was a very funny movie. Were you surprised with how well you guys meshed . We talked oen the phone a couple years before working together, so i knew we shared a sense of humor but you never really know that for sure. But the thing about ryan, man, is hes a sinnest. He really does have a knowledge of the history of cinema. So, if it feels hes making a reference to something before when hes doing a gag, he more than likely is. We can be having a conversation about that, right . For 45 minutes like whats the best way to sit on a toilet while covering your private parts with a magazine and well look at the bounce of the door. Jimmy even the sound of the door is important. Because we both love our job, its very easy for us to get on. Jimmy how many times do you have to shoot Something Like that before the door bounces in all the right places . We have a very good idea of exactly what hes going to do. Its my job. Jimmy it sounds simple but its all very complicated, isnt it . And you find yourself saying now, the best way for me to break your arm but it does bond you, i suppose. I tried to get him into rugby league, into sport. Hes not really sport focussed. Kind of like my oldest son. I mean, hes a canadian who doesnt follow ice hockey. And north of the border in canada, they have a descriptive word for that. Youre called an [ bleep] jimmy thats the canadian word . Thats technically the word. Look in the canadian dictionary. [ bleep] jimmy well, whatever happened you and that. [ bleep] made a pretty great movie together. Its called the nice guys. Russell crowe. Up next is Mike Birbiglia. When delta bath. G . Shower. Toilet. And faucet innovations. Make getting clean. Just as beautiful as getting dirty, thats. Happimess. See what delta can do. Dont bring that mess around here, evan whoo dont do it. Dont you dare. I dont think so [ sighs ] its okay, big fella. Were gonna get through this together. [ baseball bat cracks ] nice rip, robbie. Raaah when you bundle home and Auto Insurance through progressive, you get more than just a big discount. Im gonna need you to leave. You get relentless protection. [ baseball bat cracks ] [ applause ] jimmy our next guest is a very funny comedian, actor, writer and director who made an excellent new movie, all on his own called dont think twice the theaters closing. We have to be out of there in four weeks. Another trump building, i think. New york city, youre fired. All of america, youre fired. What the hell is that is this. That was trump. Thats j. Fk. Your impersonation is so bad, you rr fi youre fired. Dont think twice opens in new york, july 22nd, please welcome Mike Birbiglia. [ applause ] first of all, welcome and thank you for inviting me to see your movie. It really came out great. Thanks for coming. Jimmy it was my pleasure. Last time i saw you was at your house. I was pitching you that movie a year 1 2 ago. Jimmy it was great to see it from an idea you had to a real movie. I was at jimmys house and you were making me a roast beef sandwich. Jimmy that is true, yes. Best roast beef sandwich ive ever had in my life. Jimmy thank you. I tell people about it every day. Its a roast beef sandwich name drop. And i was telling you i was visiting your daughter, baby jane who i just saw and is adorable. Jimmy shes working back there. Because my wife was pregnant at the time. Jimmy congratulations. Or whatever. But i wanted to see what it was like because you had a baby. Jimmy you were testing the wat water, getting your toe in. See where babies come from. Jimmy did my wife show you that . She gave me a book. We hung out with your daughter jane and about 20 minutes in, this woman swoops in, this other person and she changes the baby and feeds the baby and comes back 20 minutes later and i call my wife and say cloe, her name is jen. I go, cloe, listen to this. They have this person who comes in and does all the stuff we dont want to do and then she leaves and then you just get to do the fun stuff with the baby. So, we dont have that. We have the baby. We dont have the other person. So, i was wondering can we have yours . Jimmy we only had her for a short time. Her name was my mother. No, we had a baby nurse. Ive done it both ways. Its easier with the baby nurse. But how is father hood . Are you enjoying it . Its good. We made this movie dont think twice. And she came on the set of the movie. I brought a photo. Jimmy i have these photos right here. Oona. Shes really cute. And my wife and oona and her in the edit. And i agreed to do some of her too. The wheels on the bus go round and round. That doesnt matter. I mean, you can only humor them for so long. Jimmy has she seen the movie yet . Shes seen cuts. Jimmy its a great idea. Its a group of best friends and an improv group and one of them gets cast on a saturday night live type of show and the rest of them dont. It has gillgen jacobs and we had a blast making it. I mean, it was very emotional thing. Were very proud of it. Jimmy its a very touching movie. I dont want to give too much away but you told me night you cant watch it because it makes you cry. A lot of the themes of improv are similar to the themes of life. Its something that has never happened before and will never happen again and its the same when you work on a movie or project, its just a moment in tooim. So, working with them was so fun. We had such a blast. Jimmy and it deals with pretty heavy subjects. Envy, trying to be happy for your friends and good things happen to them and they dont happen to you. I think people you dont have be to part of improv comedy to get it p. Thanks. Jimmy you will personally show the movie to people. Im probably coming to your town. Im going to 20 or 30 scities i america. Were giving improv work shop s. Project ant in detroit where Michael Keaton started and liz allen who taught our improv group in the movie is teaching these free work shops across the country and were showing the movie in a sneak preview form. Jimmy so, people will have the opportunity to see the movie and so they too can have their hearts broken as someone surpass said th s them career wise . Yes. Jimmy you want everyone to experience a little bit of the heart break . In the 20s, we all had the same dream, and in your 30s, you realize you dont all have to have the same dream and the person who gets the dream theyre not always so happy after all. Jimmy hes a very wise man. Mike birbiglia, dont think twice, opens in new york, july 22nd. He will bring it to you personally. And when we return, music from dead company. [ applause ] jimmy id like to thank Russell Crowe, Mike Birbiglia and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. Nightline is next but first, you can see them on tour this summer, here with the song bertha, dead company as i was walkin round i was all night running running, running i wonder if you care i had a run in run around and run down run around a corner run smack into a tree i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees bertha dont you come around here anymore dressed myself in green i went down to the sea try to see whats going down maybe read between the line had a feeling i was falling falling falling turned around to see heard a voice calling calling calling you was comin after me back to me i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees bertha dont you come around here anymore ran into a rainstorm ducked into a bar door e i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees bertha dont you come around here anymore i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees test me test me test me why dont you arrest me throw me in the jail house until the sun goes down i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees bertha dont you come around here anymore i had to move really had to move thats why if you please i am on my bended knees bertha dont you come around here anymore i had to move really had to move [ applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, high anxiety at 34,000 feet. Inside that White Knuckle experience, the dangling oxygen masks. Nearly 50 people injured world wide in the last week alone. Just how dangerous are the rocky rides . And no says meghan trainor. The star expressing out rage over being digitally down sized. Me to eotoo but how did the p child for all about the bass go from this to this . He may look like your little brother but hes working on