Tromp N.P.R.'s cosies now reports House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has robot g.o.p. Accusations the inquiry is politically motivated Republicans including House minority leader Kevin McCarthy are accusing Democrats of setting their minds to impeachment from the moment they took control of the House in January we've watched from the time line a from the swearing in the party means more to them than the country Palosi dismisses that outright She says the decision to draft articles of impeachment is based on the evidence and isn't about politics partisanship Democrats and Republicans it's totally insignificant it's about the Constitution of the United States the House Judiciary Committee will hear testimony Monday from intelligence committee counsel on the details of that evidence Kelsey's now in p.r. News the Capitol the top administration is accusing Iranian security forces of killing more than a 1000 people in a crackdown on recent protests u.s. Special representative for Iran Brian Hawk telling reporters the death toll from protests that have spread across Iran in recent weeks is not known but he says the u.s. Has received thousands of reports of atrocities hoax says the u.s. Has seen a video of an insight into what Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps are seen openly firing on protesters killing at least 100 people maybe more he told State Department reporters today some of the victims include young teenagers setting up another major legal clash with Congress President Trump's lawyers are asking the u.s. Supreme Court to block a lower court decision involving Trump's financial records N.P.R.'s Nina Totenberg reports the House oversight committee subpoenaed Trump's long time accountants for records related to his taxes unlike all modern presidents Trump has refused to make public his tax returns and the House committee is exploring whether to enact legislation to compel such disclosures the u.s. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia upheld the committee's subpoena for the records as a legitimate exercise of congressional power now the president's private lawyers. Have appealed to the Supreme Court telling the justices that this is the 1st time the president's personal records have been subpoenaed and that unless the court stops it such subpoenas will become routine in the future Nina Totenberg n.p.r. News Washington a man has filed a lawsuit in New Jersey claims he told Pope John Paul the Sacket in 1988 about being sexually abused as a child by Theodore McCarrick with the time was appraised but he says nothing was done James grind says he made the same claims in a lawsuit filed this summer in New York against the charge but Kerik in the past has denied grinds allegations his attorney says he can't comment at this point McCarrick who went on to become a cardinal was d. Frocked in February after a church investigation stocks closed modestly higher today the Dow up 28 points you're listening to n.p.r. . Concerns about air quality of prompted the voluntary evacuation of a Texas Gulf Coast city where a pair of chemical plant explosions occurred last week for shells in the city of Port nature is announced today they're issuing a voluntary evacuation order 450000 residents there after elevated chemical levels were detected Margy management officials say the elevated levels do not pose a serious health risk but it could cause problems for some people the chemical used to make synthetic rubber and other products explosions at the plant 80 miles east of Houston last week shattered windows and ripped off doors from nearby homes and a report by Unicef is warning extreme weather events and climate change pose a particular risk for children throughout the Caribbean N.P.R.'s Greg Allen reports one agency says there's been a 6 fold increase the number of people displaced from their homes by storms and hurricanes 2014 to 2018 was the hottest 5 year period on record and it coincided with some of the most catastrophic storms ever seen in the Caribbean while it's not possible to conclude that climate change is leading to stronger hurricanes the Unicef report points to a study showing an increase in the proportion of hurricanes that reach Category 4 and 5 strength other studies like climate change the rapid intensification of hurricanes and increased rain and flooding from the storms during the last 5 years hurricanes including Irma and Maria in 2017 forced more than 3400000 people from their homes in the Caribbean including 3 quarters of a 1000000 children Unicef is calling on governments to put children at the heart of climate change strategies Greg Allen n.p.r. News Miami oil closed unchanged at 5843 a barrel in New York I'm Jack Speer n.p.r. News in Washington support for n.p.r. Comes from n.p.r. Stations other contributors include Amazon Studios with Honey Boy written by and starring Shiela both the auto biographical Honeyboy traces shires early childhood as a young actor and his stormy relationship with his father now playing in theaters. On the next fresh air what does Ukrainian president followed. Have to say about Trump Putin and the impeachment hearings last Saturday Time correspondent Simon interviewed the Ukrainian president will join us from Kiev to talk about. His allies an oligarchy. You're about to hear a rebroadcast of where we live it originally aired October 22nd 21000. This is where we live from Connecticut Public Radio I'm loosing our potential It's often said that children need to develop certain social skills like learning how to communicate with others and how to make friends what's at stake if the skills aren't learnt the child may never gain confidence and that loneliness and anxiety could follow him or her into adulthood today parenting coach Caroline Maguire joins us she's the author of Why will no one play with me the play better plan to help children of all ages make friends and thrive are you a parent who worries about this for your child or children you can join us find us on Facebook and Twitter where we live author Caroline McGuire is joining us today via Skype Caroline Welcome to the show thank you so much for having me. I'm curious the start off what prompted you to write this book Caroline. So years ago when I 1st started working with children and families I kept wondering the fact that it children don't have services through school. They really get no help with friendship yet as parents we face this constant weight constantly we have to talk about friendship and I encountered a little boy who was asking me why no play with him and it just struck me that kids are not concerned about academics they're not concerned about a lot of things we as adults are concerned about they are concerned about you know feeling comfortable in their own skin and where to sit what to do and so I started looking for a guy for parents that's user friendly not full of jargon and I couldn't find anything and it started to strafe me like what if I could write that and give that to parents you mention that some children receive services through school but often when they're evaluated it's for a child or children that may. I have high needs but there's a lot of kids maybe fall in between is that who this book is for absolutely this book is for both the children who have high needs because their parents are also on the front lines trying to carry things through into daily life but really there's no means of children who fall into you know the word shy it's not working now we've moved too much and so now things are hard and just you know all those phases of life that we can all remember where making a new group of friends or fitting in with people is really complicated. We all remember our adult that at some point in our childhood or adolescence things were awkward and at some point many of us may have struggled when you were writing this book Why is this book more relevant now than ever before Caroline Well I think we are facing sort of a national crisis around you know social media and devices so parents are really struggling with that eroding social skills kids with their face in their phone all the time and I also think we're also looking at record depression number start kids unfortunately you know record numbers of suicides and there's article after article in this a case about. Exactly in children and stress and so I feel now parents are under such pressure to answer these kids service and help their children but yet they had no playbook and so parents are really struggling without that information. I have 2 children myself and oftentimes getting them to even tell you about how their school day was is a challenge because they don't always want to talk about school or want to recount the day for you so I guess that the 1st step Caroline is how to parents get their children to talk to them so that they know if there are that they're struggling with social skills or even making friends absolutely So one of the centerpieces of well known play with me and I have worked out this at my website Carolina where after dot com including videos is this open ended question of coaching which is basically that you ask questions not interrogation but you know what's going on for you What is friendship look like these days and you ask questions and you sort of reflect you recapped what they are saying and what it does is it sort of neutralizes it creates a lighter feel to the conversation and it gives parents communication techniques bravely to talk about anything hard because you're right off didn't hear you have trouble opening up or even remembering why they're in a bad mood started you know a 10 am when someone would be in a group with them and it just carries through and you get the kid who you know kind explodes you know or says they're fine and so part of the methodology well played me is to teach parents how to have those conversations so that you can find out the genesis of the mood you're facing what about. Teaching a parent had a talk to their child the pending on their day is important but you know how often should parents be reaching out to maybe other adults that are in their child's life whether it's a teacher a coach maybe their dance teacher in terms of scene you know what else is going on with their child what I want to parent is not around and then how do you I guess balance that so that you're not becoming a helicopter parent so to speak that you're intruding too much. I absolutely hear this all the time our parents are so concerned about becoming helicopter parents yet when I work with schools bulls are so often saying to me we didn't know how bad things were we would love to have helped so I would urge parents to reach out into non-dramatic way and tell the teacher what is going on tell the school tell the coach and say you know I have a kid who doesn't talk much or I'm trying to get a lay of the land and mom and I actually want to play with he even has strips and ways to do this and my experience is that teachers don't take this as your helicopter they take it as everybody needs information the other tip I have is siblings if they're not going to make fine if they're going to be supportive cousins family friends if you know a teacher in the school because I think we do need that crucial information you know many of the kids I work with when we do this we find out that the child is not even going to the cafeteria right they're going to the library they're skipping lunch they're skipping social opportunity and he was a parent are being told oh I go every day. You're hearing Carolyn McGuire author of Why I will go and play with me the play better plan to help children of all ages make friends and thrive today via Skype Carolyn besides being an author you're also an executive function and social skills let's also start there when we talk about executive function what do you mean and how does that play into what we're talking about today which is helping children learn to handle themselves in social situations and to make friends absolutely So executive function is the management system of the brain it is the heart of the brain on the process seize control attention planning organization sound where and and all of these are exact. Functions so they affect both academics and also they have that social and so one of the things that has evolved in a sort of academic world in professional world is that we all kind of know that these prophecies affect everything and that we can develop the skills and strengthen the executive functions if they're weak and many times were kids have struggles socially they don't read the road they are you know their tone is a great they're too much or too little it's all about those executive functions and we know from all kinds of research that we can develop them and naturally the basis of why we don't play with me is my years of work and research and. How to strengthen those in your child or teen without it being you know something that you have to search the earth for the answers it's all right there we talked about learning how to communicate with your child especially if they don't want to share with you the details of their day but let's talk a little bit more about when you were working with particular clients in your book you mentioned Jonah who you said that kind of us started the whole ball rolling to write this book where you know children you know they want to not be isolated and they want to be able to fit in but right if they could they would explain that some more for us so you know I believe that many times as parents we get caught in this verse as well Luke and we worry about you know giving in to our kids or there'll be wilful but really I think that when children can do well they do do well and if they're not producing the skills that we need them to it's usually because they can't and so you know I guess I used to say to my mothers and fathers if they. Could they would and so when I was reading the book I reached out to many families who I'd worked with over the years and they all came back to me and said how powerful that was how releasing it was that those 5 words allowed them to say Ok I wouldn't expect them to swim without you know coaching Why am I expecting them to do this without coaching. Earlier you talked about with social media it's easier to become isolated we know that Bulleen can be a factor when a child is struggling in school or in other activities or actually talking to you in October when it's National Bullying Prevention Month just the other day personally Connecticut media reporting that youth suicide rates in our state have almost doubled in a year from your perspective how should we be approaching this Caroline Well obviously if your child says anything about taking care of my arm and I want to reach out to a medical professional but I think one of the things that is coming up is that what we're doing to address the bleeding is simply not working the bully the bystander and the victims are all in a situation where they need help from us as adults any support you know the bystander doesn't know what to do and so that adds to stress and depression the bully is bullying because of some i met me something that's going on for that low self-esteem seeing violence in their whole something you know maybe their own social skills are great and so they they lash out that happens a lot and then the victim and I was horribly bullied but I know that when we give children the skills to fit in they no longer are able to be an easy target so all of these different parties need help and I think that is we look. The stats which you're quoting We have to do something different what's the role that schools play and then you know we hear because of these incidents where bullying unfortunately has led to suicide schools appear to be taking preven preventative efforts trying to put forth this bullying climate but do they have the right skills and resources when you think about the variety of adults that are interacting with our children in school it's. You know I think schools are trying really hard and I think they are doing much better and really trying to be on it I want to say that 1st this is in no way a criticism but the average teacher is not being given tools to help in the situations they're not being given support in education and you know everything happens on the bus and on the playground and just the way the logistics of our academic system are set up it's very hard to get those folks training yet they are the people seeing things repeatedly So this is in no way a criticism of our schools but I know that I have been working with several school districts trying to get training for the aids and playground folks and also the bus drivers and it is it is Hercules and trying to make this happen and yet if you ask any parent who's witnessing all this that's where everything is going on so I I hope that as we you know are looking at things we will get teachers and educators who are trolls and support because my experience is that they need it here in Caroline Maguire author of Why will no one play with me in the played better plan to help children of all ages make friends and thrive we're going to delve deeper into some of the steps in her book coming up I wanted to take a call now as a rain is calling from New Haven and that's I mean you're on the show. Yes Well good morning I just wanted to make a comment in a crunch and have a question and I comment and I feel like parents are completely out of their kids' role model and if they're not a valid role and there's no social socializing happening in their home and that which is something that is talked to you and I believe but there's also not a place for kids to be able to express themselves enough during the day and they sit in classrooms all day long and I don't think the school enough is enough place for them to be able to learn that So my question to you is at what point do we then say if the school that is not doing enough where can we go with our students to get enough help with them for socializing great question Carolyn I love this question thank you for asking it I want to say 1st yes we are children's greatest role model and one of the things that I talk about while no play with me is how does this militate more social interaction within your family and also you know you can be teaching these social skills lessons using your extended family you know if you go to space giving there's lots of people watching to read the room and a lot of the lessons call upon that I think also we do have to do things outside of school and that's really the the reason for the book is that this way parents can facilitate this war outside of school where we have a great deal of opportunity but also to educate parents and give them support because there's a lot to it and I think that some kids do not learn naturally from role models you know I mean many parents we know this research were great socially but their kids for whatever reason today executive function just doesn't take it up easily so I think we are role models and then we also are their coach. We got a tweet from a listener who writes How are the concerns or better yet strategies different for parents raising an only child in the data notably different for kids with siblings in terms of how the they gain social skills Caroline. That's a great question I'm an only child I speak to many or we children across the country and I think what the statistics of the research shows us is that sheltered 3 point social interaction and especially unstructured play even teenagers unstructured meaning. You know taking them to soccer but more of them playing with someone else so one of the things we find only children isn't that they are you know without those opportunities because they don't have siblings it's really more about do we engage in play with other kids you can have siblings who you're in the house and you don't even talk to that right so it's all about other kids getting that practice play where you want to work things out and you learn to negotiate and you weren't you pretend and use your imagination. McGuire's with me again obviously a path of why I will no one play with me she is a social skills coach we're going to continue to talk with her after the break and you can join us too are you worried about your child's social skills but not sure how to step then we want to hear from you find us on Facebook and Twitter. Connecticut Public Radio member today it's easy and you'll feel great just visit npr dot org and click. Make a tray of enchiladas for a pack of neat balls for the holiday potluck table and one of the queens of baking Rosa Levy Baron Barr is here with her new book of roses baking basics that's on the faith Middleton is here on Connecticut Public Radio was in the night at 9. Support for environmental reporting on Connecticut Public Radio comes from the Nature Conservancy and pink care listen for reports on Morning Edition and All Things Considered. I'm Christopher Kimball from Radio this week we spend time with the automata linking we dig into Israeli childhood is life in London today and of course his philosophy of cooking from spices to Yoko and also what this week to country locals all the explores the science of perfect your bread front Bove and entertains for the holidays coming up this week on Wall Street Radio from Pier x. Was on Friday night at 930. You're listening to rebroadcast of where we live that originally aired October 22nd 29. This is where we live from Connecticut Public Radio I'm loosing all potential My guest today is Carolyn McGuire She's a social skills coach who helps parents work with their child to struggling socially Caroline is the author of the new book Why will no one play with me play better planned to help children of all ages make friends and thrive She's joining me today via Skype Caroline you mentioned that you were an only child but you also have another personal connection to what you write about in this book what was your childhood like in terms of how you were adapting to being in school and making friends. So I went sort of an old soul you know I was one of those people watching up stairs downstairs and you know reading Agatha Christie novels and when every day after school to my grandparents' house so in addition to being an only child raised by my mom as an introvert and she has friends but she isn't you know reaching out I was with my grandparents talking about World War 2 So I was a very bookish child and I really struggled especially because I was in a very small school there are all these factors and I 7th grade I had been bullied pretty badly and I really had to sort of shift and learn how to relate to other kids so I had to do some work because I really didn't know what other kids were into I didn't watch their shows I didn't listen to what they were listening to and I had to really change things and I did thanks to a teacher so I've been there and I also know how much better things can be and by the way haven't lost who I was I just have gained friends. You mention a teacher to help so what did he or she exactly do and how do you reflect that in your book. I reflected in the book by talking a little bit about my conversations with her and just you know this need for me to change and what she did was sort of to have these weekly meetings with me and talk to me about observing and really what it what is it that they are talking about and who would you like to be friends where and how do you need to kind of speak their language and it had occurred to me but it was very empowering to have someone say you can do this I think one of the great things that came out of that is that I really really relate to these caves and I also know that change is hard and what they're going through can you walk us through some steps for parents who may be listening who want to know how do I get my child to to move out of his or her comfort zone. A lot of times when kids are struggling with this it's become sort of the elephant in the room and it also becomes sort of a flashpoint topic and that's one reason that a lot of the book talks about how to communicate about this I would start with questions and chats about friendship that don't mention social skills and don't say you know you need these to be improved but really focus on what they want the other thing is that a lot of times what we're asking of the child or teen is to accept their comfort zone so I have a few exercises in what I will play with me that part about you know your comfort zone and what behavior should you in your counter-terror I would encourage parents to pave the way by starting to talk about comfort sounds about your go to you or me to get help talk about things you do that are uncomfortable and you don't reach out for help if you don't do things. After all start to model that because when your family demonstrates that we are people who seek help when we need it it's a lot easier to get the child to move out of their comfort sound and the other thing is to bond here and there stripped of everything in a book for this to do something that the child knows are outside of your comfort sound so it personally seeable is that my daughter heard me on the radio she heard me talking about this and so I am going to run a road race and she's working on some things outside of her comfort zone and I will tell you it is very far outside of my comfort zone. Parents sometimes stress out if they offer incentives to their child to go along with their plan or or with bribes and so to speak and how do you approach that Caroline So I think we know what's best for our children anyways but we have to remember they don't always know they don't always have the maturity in a self-awareness and there has to be a degree of what's in it for me right why they want me to do this change why would I accept my comfort zone and what's in it for me drives or when we say you know if you stop that right now give you a cookie incentive is something where they demonstrate and this is all covered while now Ok with me they demonstrate something and they are given some kind of incentive and incentive you know the traditional you know if you engage on this and I'm willing to talk about giving you more freedom that you know not a conversation I was willing to engage in before parents are very leery too because so many were awarded shirts and things just are really cumber stamps but I think part of this is really that conversation and that collaboration it doesn't have to be a reward chart. To have my children have to develop social skills are still developing a social skills and oftentimes it starts with. Play you write in your book Play is the 1st and most natural environment for all learning you know from your experience Caroline is that's what's missing in school environments today that child's ability to be creative to have that time to figure things out where they're not stuck just learning their lessons. Absolutely we have dramatically cut down the amount of time children play and it is absolutely you know the vitamin to help them grow and we also have a much more structured society now days so what used to be that you know in the seventy's you came home and you played outside and it wasn't structured and you played with all pretty different people by the way and then you know you went inside when the lights when the lights were gone and I think that it would be hard to recreate that now but we do need to give our children more opportunity for play because that actually what leads to a lot of the creativity and. Social skills that we are are seeking per kid but how do we do that when today as we've talked about you know kids are heavily influenced by electronic sin Internet as someone called in to make that exact point. Absolutely it is you know I think the electronic service here and to pretend they're not is is really not serving anyone absolutely I think as a family we have to look at making choices and creating those opportunities so if your kid is super over scheduled maybe you retrench a little bit we know from statistics that is not actually going to affect their college chance it's really about them having the right opportunities the other thing is that we set the boundaries with electronic Enki generally collaborative conversations don't just band talk about it why do you care about electronics what's different what are your concerns and take times when you facilitate that so that they're not you know having to make that choice themselves which is really tough. Jeff calling from dairy n Jeff here on the show Good morning you mentioned a lot of research that shows executive function can be improved in children. Under the future and folks from the research and with that process also be approachable for adults that have tremendous with executive function care like absolutely absolutely executive function can be improved over the lifespan and the research really shows in my own personal experience that we have to not only model a create situations where you're learning the skills that are in the real world so in other words if you're learning future thinking which is facts academics planning you know getting gassed so you don't run out that it is a skill being built and facilitated it in in real life situations not in a vacuum and that we also have to support kids you know with checklists and reminders and you know play better play and Latins and that at some point we have to allow them to practice and generalize and that practice it actually makes it stick so it's absolutely something that can be built and the more we allow them to sort of develop and then we retrench a little bit and we allow those those stains to be worked on by the child and not us to Cilla t. Everything they do the more they're going to develop their scales. When we talked about play being fundamental and that helps develop social skills of children Caroline when we think about unstructured play what are we talking about exactly and not just you know putting them in a. Activities outside of school but how do you promote that within your child's schedule. Absolutely I think when a child. Is structured situations you know soccer is guided right it's when you are you are guided by it until an adult is intervening so I can structure what I mean is play in the backyard where a bunch of kids are running around and they're inventing their own games and you are not the property or you are not still a t.v. And how to bring them back to their lives is you know we are played a society now we're not all living in you know neighborhoods where everybody is the same age and so one of the things we can do as parents is have kids over bring them to park spring to opportunities where they can play and not to you know be the game maker let them work things out between them and create time and space for them. But what happens if that play date so to speak doesn't go as planned and parent sees their child still struggling and and not you know having fun I mean again how how should parents be interacting with their children where they're not hovering. Absolutely so why don't play with me I talk a lot about this very dilemma because everybody who is listening to this intently is in that dilemma right the platy are not going well and they're and they're trying to figure it out and what I have is a system to teach skills and I and to give the child sort of a single mission for the lady a behavior that you're working on like you know taking breaths or sharing something when they don't usually or you know I have kids who literally even dictate every choice that's made on the plate they literally tell the other kid what juice box they can have and you know that doesn't go over so we're giving a child a mission we're stepping back and then there's actually ways to then after a brief about the playdate and continue to grow working on no skills for next time and I also get a lot of tips around how to preplan the playdate a little war so you're choosing a climate in Bahrain and there and a friend who is going to make it so that the child can practice these skills you know end of the day they're exhausted they mean or not be able to produce what we're asking them to. Him or run into you know parents who you know everyone wants the best for their child Caroline but there's also the added stress of many parents wanting their kids to be academically successful and to get into the school that the parents think is going to give them a better chance at employment maybe go to the alma mater of the family and so how do they balance all of that because they are often times that parents can add a lot of stress to a child's life. Absolutely you know I went to Trinity right there in Connecticut and I was my children to go to Trinity but I also know that we know that a lot of the academic stress we are putting on children is not resulting in actually being more successful it's resulting in them being stressed out and actually some pretty negative mental health consequences and I think the fact is is that if you are building these lights and I think social skills and these academic skills are life skills just like changing a tire your chances of actually helping them to be able to complete the academic work are greater because you know you're not going to college with that you're not going to their 1st job with them and so we wipe em down opportunities you facilitate everything you know I always joke I or you went to high school so I don't have to go back no you are still take everything and they're not really learning anything. We as parents have to. You know take a breath and realize that we're trying to build life skills. Make sure everything is perfect and my guest today is Carolyn McGuire author of the book Why will no one play with me the play better plan to help children of all ages make friends and thrive Carol and you spent time in your book really delving into brain science so that readers understand you know the factors that cause kids to be left out we mentioned you know these skills these executive function skills but for parents who really are kind of on the fence about again wanting to intervene you know what are some red flags that isn't really intuitive or what some advice you can give for parents that they can look at their child and say you know maybe there needs to be some intervention. So if a child is perch actually left out they're not invited and that is one red flag the other red flag is that your spirit from schools coaches teachers that they are able to join a group they are able to that and the other red flags that I have said and things everyone needs to be able to do socially in the bar and parents kid will look at those 7 things and there are things like reading the room being adaptive. It meeting people half way and if your child isn't able to do they you know it age appropriate way the same if they're their peers then those are red flags because ultimately these are the things that we have to be able to do in order to be in the workplace in order to you know work in a group as adults so I would encourage parents to understand that you know some kids just don't come to this naturally and if you're if you find that your child can I. Meet new people make friends join a group work with others then they just need some help with this just like any help with trying their shoes or learn to ride a bike and for the parents or parent maybe an introvert might be hard for them to even reach out to another parent to try to schedule a play date to help their child I mean is that the time to bring in a professional or what's your advice to parents Well I think parents always put the oxygen mask on 1st many introverts have friends and have wonderful rich lives and sometimes. Something where they are really able to facilitate that I don't want to want to say that they can't and I think when we are looking at her children's well being. Some of it is if this is hard for you then to work on that for yourself and to work on the still teaching that and make it not easier and actually the information wonder if we can help parents as well and has helped name many parents. But I think the biggest thing is if you're aware of the struggles for yourself then as you were now with your child you'll be growing as well and we heard from someone on Facebook Katie writes I have a middle aged relative with no social skills and a complete lack of ability to read social cues so if there had been diagnoses when she was young she would probably have been diagnosed with a.d.d. And receptive information deficit's what kind of interventions are available for adults who have difficulty with social interactions and how relates to my previous question again your book focusing on how parents can help their children but for people who have adults in their lives that are also struggling what can you tell them Well I absolutely think to be a don't struggle is real and is day air and it is so important and there's a few things one on my website I care I require other dot com I do have things for adults my intention is to will be. There are also opportunities through a group that I work with where we have adult social skills groups we have adult virtual social skills groups and 80 dot work the other thing I want to say is that adult you go learnings from something like round and play with me because I do use these lessons they just don't have to visual Ciena with adults and I think adults tend to get very overwhelmed so I would encourage any adult who's trying to work on as she sat a mission and that mission might be one thing they're going to work on and every time you enter or exit a new place that your she. To try to be bored. By it really does sometimes change and don't. Like this and working on it is a totally possible I've had clients who are 60 I've had clients who are 68 all and she. Tell him McGuire is a parenting coach not her of why will know him play with me in the play better plan to help children of all agents make friends and thrive Carolyn join me today via Skype thanks so much Caroline We appreciate it thank you know this is where we live from Connecticut Public Radio. Coming up we're going to talk more about why can be difficult to make friends as an adult and what we can do about it find us on Facebook and Twitter where we. Support comes from butterfly paying for the energy management technology and efficiency upgrades that help businesses save energy and the world butterfly one change that changes everything butterfly dot com b u d d e r f l y. Coming up by the next episode of the Carlin method show we look right into the heart. Of taxidermy you're just used to seeing the raccoon behind the cage but what's really going on people reconstitute. Coming up tonight at 8 support comes from Landmark community theater at the Thomas to an opera house. To. 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You're listening to a rebroadcast of where we live it originally aired October 22nd 2019 this is where we live from Connecticut Public Radio I'm losing all both and Szell where we live on Connecticut Public Radio is hosting a coffee break at local coffee shops across Connecticut to hear from you what if she were a story in your community is not getting the attention it needs I'm losing all the fans She'll join me in where we live team at Silk City Coffee in Manchester Connecticut Tuesday December 10th we can't wait to meet you check out where he lives Facebook page for more information now it's also trouble making friends to what was your experience after graduating college perhaps moving away from family and a home base where many of your friends still live making friends as an adult is kind of like dating does not ring true you can join us find us on Facebook and Twitter where we live that clip you just heard comes from a recent series of episodes from N.P.R.'s life kid podcast they were hosted and reported by my next guest Julia for lawn host a reporter for N.P.R.'s life good podcast joining us today from N.P.R.'s New York studios Giulia Welcome to the show Oh thank you so much for having me I'm really excited or excited for this conversation so why focus then on adult friendship you know I just think that it's something that we do we have friends from the time were little we have friends you know if throughout our entire lives and as I was like approaching the topics that I wanted to talk about on life get I was really interested in stories about friendships because they change we change and we don't always necessarily address that you know and I think it was a good time to look at that there's different phases in adulthood so when is that tricky is to to make friends Julia and one of our one of our guests have their have real ascii who is a wonderful advice columnist called she has a column called Ask Polly she said she said the thirty's are the dark times it's like the dark upsidedown of friendships because people are you know spot. Getting married having kids and I mean it seems like trying to achieve in their careers all of that stuff and I feel like that that sort of tracks I think that there's lots of when you know when everyone is underslept and trying to do too many things it's hard to keep your friendships as the central priority of your life and what do you do when you don't like your child's parent friends' parents that's not really their listening and I'm not talking about you specifically but again when you're stuck in these social situations the birthday parties every weekend and you see the same parents but maybe they don't really have the same interests that you do yeah I think that one of the things that the previous guest Caroline said that really rang true was that parents need to put their for their oxygen mask on 1st and sure yes you might have social situations that you don't want to go to and might have to go to the birthday parties you might have to stand awkwardly next to the punch bowl with someone that you would otherwise not be talking to that makes a lot of sense but I think that adults as adults as I reported these stories the thing that kept coming to the surface was that we need to be able to prioritize friendship as a real necessary existing failing in our lives no matter what else is going on it doesn't matter if you're a parent it doesn't matter if your job is completely intense it doesn't matter what else is going on if you want to have friendships just like that that. The woman at the top of the show side friends are like dating you know you have to sort of prioritize it and I think that there is value to that and I think that we as a society should sort of like make a little bit more space for people to say like oh I'm going to go and hang out with my friend even though I have a 3 year old and a full time job you know so if you make plans with this new friend and hang out and you realize you know it's not going to work don't feel bad they don't call him again yes. I mean I think that there's there's a it's sometimes it's hard to like gauge exactly what's going on but like there is one thing that I think is helpful is there's a woman named Shasta Nelson who has a book called friend to Missy and she talks about basically that like that vulnerability and consistency should increase at the same rate so basically like as you see somebody consistently you should be opening up to them in a vulnerability way and that sort of the way that those 2 things go up together is something that I think people just makes it very clear you got to be vulnerable if you want to have a friend that's that's that's how it goes you know I like that you brought up friend to Missy because she also talks about the friendship triangle maybe that helps listeners really grasp what we're talking about here if we think about it as a triangle right so the bottom of the triangle is positivity and positivity doesn't necessarily mean that you feel great every you know that like everything that you do with this one friend is like positive it means that when you come away from being with that friend you have that like oh Ok good i Pod I feel good about this you know like oh we had a really nice conversation you know we had a really nice coffee talk I feel like I understood and listened to and then the other 2 arms of the car triangle are vulnerability and consistency and those 2 things are the sort of like basis of the triangle that will lead to friend for intimacy is what Shasta Nelson calls it great book Great to talk really recommend another tip that you have again Julia for a lawn host reporter for N.P.R.'s life Kit podcast you know people like you more than you may think and to get you out of your head thinking that gosh maybe they don't really like me. Yeah I think everybody has this sort of inner monologue sometimes where they're like you know you you have a conversation and then you come away from that kind. Sation you're like oh my gosh I just you know I sounded so silly I didn't say the right thing blah blah blah there is research actual like psychological research done by one of the sources on the show or one of the guests on the show Gillian sands from it's called the likability gap and basically people like you more than you think they do and that that little tiny bit of research maybe can counteract the negative voice in your head when you talk to someone it basically says when you talk to somebody chances are chances are people are enjoying that conversation and you don't need to like walk away and beat yourself up about it later referenced you know some of us move away from our home towns and a lot of the people we went to school with and it can be a struggle to make new friends in a new city and so the next step is you know if you have a if you know something you really like to do it be find a new hobby and that might be where you find new friends I mean it's so funny because it's like very much like Grandma advice it's like what your grandma would tell you like why do you take up but you know what we're. I think that there's there's 2 things to that you should follow the things that you always already like to do do you like cooking Are you into book clubs do you want to. Learn more about the brain I don't know there are lots of different things that you can do and you follow that thing that you already like to do and you give it some time I think that the thing like there is find a hobby Yes but you also have to sort of like find some consistency with it so I would say don't just go $11.00 time once a month you know for 2 months or something you should take whatever it is and if you want to make new friends you have to go a couple of times and maybe the 1st time is sort of awkward but you the 2nd time is going to be a little bit less awkward and more and more that sort of like consistent dedication is also an important part of the of the like find a hobby kind of thing our tech producer guy on. We'll suggest Meet Up dot com Even Facebook groups when you think about those strategies Oh absolutely I think that we didn't focus on online stuff in the episodes mainly because it's like such a different it's such a rich environment it was like so big and there are so many different ways to find people but there are yes there's there are apps meetup dot com You can find a meet up in your in your area about basically you know all different kinds of things and there's also an app called Bumblebee f.-f. Where it's basically like you know it's like a dating app but it's for friends. And I think that there if I could do more episodes I would definitely focus on online communities because there is such a rich and beautiful environment of you know friendships that go from online and then they become real friendships Giulia we're almost out of time we got to talk about the break up how we do it. Treat it like an actual break up is the is the advice from a lot of the reporting that I got basically you know address the address the thing address the rift make it sort of explicit but not necessarily you know it doesn't need to be something where you're like I will never speak to you again but you can just say like I feel our friendship is changing and I want to address it and I think I think we need to you know move into a different sort of version of this friendship where instead of texting all the time we're you know we speak you know once every couple months and that's that's sort of like what we're going to do or I think we're I think it's time to break up as friends yeah it's a it's hard it's awkward I don't I I haven't done it yet so I don't really have for a lot again as a reporter for n.p.r. As life kid podcast I feel like we have a connection Julie want to be friends oh my God I would love to be your friend. I love it Ok it's all right we're going to hang out we're going to vie into other and Facebook Lydia Brown for producing today's show I'm not the fan so thanks for listening. I just felt so guilty that I had given her one last hug a decade after her mother's suicide a teenager talks of growing up with grieving to remember when you really look up at the moon. On the moon I had this whole story about how she lives in. What she wishes her mother could know tomorrow on Morning Edition from n.p.r. News listen from 5 to 9 support comes from Smile Ok answer hospital at Yale New Haven. By David Folkenflik coming up on the next on point impeachment shifts to the House Judiciary Committee tensions surfaces at the NATO summit Harris and her presidential bid the Round Table is here plus your deal of Richard Jewel an unexpected hero cast wrongly under suspicion in the 1996 Olympics bombing in Atlanta a new book in a new movie reclaim his story that's coming up on the next on point from n.p.r. . A taser is a weapon designed to stun a suspect it's the most complicated thing a cop has on his or her belt but in police departments across America Tasers are always living up to their promise so this sort of you watching this guy being teased in towards us for your nice. Shot in the next. Listen Saturday afternoon of 4. This is Connecticut Public Radio n.p.r. And n.p.r. Age 51 married in at 90.5 w p k t w p k t h d one Norwich 89.1. 88.5 w. Our ally Southampton at 91.3 and w n p dot org. The following program was previously recorded It's 8 o'clock. Taxidermy is a really complicated. Very artistic process heart also an attempt to defeat you take an animal. As it looked a little bit when it was alive you can never really defeat metaphorically that's kind of what's going on in one of the things we discovered talking. Taxidermy is that there's a lot there are things there are to some cases even weird sexual subtext and that's not it was disturbing and. So anyway today's show is an exploration of that of the art of. Other stuff as well. After the. Live from n.p.r. News in Washington I'm Jack Speer the House today took what amounts to a major steps toward impeaching President Donald Trump House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announcing today the House will draft formal articles of impeachment accusing Trump of using the power of his office to advance his own political gain the president's actions said seriously why is it the constitution especially when he says and acts upon the belief Article 2 says I can do whatever I want. His wrongdoing strikes at the very heart of our constitution a vote in the full house on impeachment could come before Christmas sending the matter on to the Senate below sea contends the case has everything to do with Russia which he says benefited the most from Trump's actions towards Ukraine in a message on Twitter today Trump said of House Democrats are going to impeach him they should quote Do it now fast so he can get on to the trial in the Senate where Republicans have a majority the Justice Department is indicted to wash in men on computer hacking and bank fraud charges as N.P.R.'s Ryan Lucas explains u.s. Officials say the pair are some of the most prolific cyber criminals in the world the 2 Russians Maxime your qubits and Igor Tura chef face conspiracy bank and wire fraud and hacking charges Justice Department officials allege the 2 men led a hacking operation that infected computers in more than 40 countries and stole tens of millions of dollars The indictment says the pair used malicious software to steal passwords and other information from victims and then made wire transfers from victim accounts to foreign bank accounts under the Russians control a luggage business in New Mexico a dairy in Ohio and a community of Franciscan sisters in Chicago were among the schemes alleged victims the u.s. Government is offering a $5000000.00 reward for information leading to its arrest officials say that both he and Toure a chef.