[ music ] [ applause ] okay. Now, my next guest is a very youve seen marty on television, on both second city tv, nbcs saturday night live, his movies include the three amigos, and inner space. This is his first time on the tonight show with us. Would you welcome martin short . [ music ] [ applause ] welcome, welcome, to our humble little set, here. Why thank you. And what a pleasure to meet you. [ laughter ] thank you. You are wonderful. That was great. I am so excited to be here, and i brought you a little gift. I brought you a bottle of champagne. [ laughter ] but if you could do bette and i a favor, and maybe drink it on the way home. [ laughter ] you wont want to go with me, either. No, no. Ill run along. The people who just joined us are not going to know what were talking about. Refer back to the early part of the show, and figure it out, because it may be bleeped. Good to see you. And do her, right away. Well, im a tremendous fan of this young lady, and of course, ed, i worked with. Youre probably thinking, which star search was that . [ laughter ] now, lets see. That was with the David Steinberg show, in toronto. Ed was up there. [ applause ] thats right on. David, david, eddie. David, eddie. You know, john, whats amazing to me about having ed . We wanted to have doc, but, to me, john [ laughter ] oh, thats wonderful. Thats right on. [ applause ] it was amazing to me. Then he goes very low. And then he goes up again. He does have a speech pattern, doesnt he . Oh, my goodness. Is dave from canada, too . Yeah. Winnipeg. And youre from canada . Yeah. Hamilton, ontario. [ applause ] you have a great ear for that. Did you start as fooling around in school, when you were very young . Picking up on impressions . That you really do impersonate the people that you admire, because you just watch them. Its the only possible way that you would. When i used to do jerry lewis as a kid, and i used to do it very high, but then i noticed that as jerry got older, there was a kind of an attitude. And i found it was easier if you did him, you know, if you imagined that you were sucking on a lozenge. I dont know why. Its not that he does a lozenge, but you just have an and you go, yeah, john. How are you doing . Bette [ laughter ] wow. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and of course, katharine hepburn, i did on saturday night live. I love that. But i did it as nelson hepburn. We did a piece called lifestyles of the relatives of the rich and famous. [ laughter ] and i played katherines third maternal cousin. Nelson hepburn, whos a hot dog vendor in central park. [ laughter ] and i would work there every day except sundays. Hed say, sundays are mine. They always were. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hed say, i get up in the morning. I sleep late, and i read all the papers, and i have a huge bowl of bran. The next few hours, im indisposed, and i phone friends. [ laughter ] it is flattering, generally, to be mimicked, or impersonated. Do you ever hear from anybody that you do, who may i know for a while, billy crystals impression of him. At first. I think he began to like it, but he didnt particularly care for it. I think that there are certain people, you cant help. If youre going to do someone, you really have to do all the different angles of them, you know . But, i do robin williams, and robins a friend, and, you know, i thought he might be a little offended, because it was all based on energy and, oh, its wonderful to be here. And oh, what a wonderful song, and dont touch that hair, mary you dont know where its been [ applause ] and its so fast. And he just kind of goes along, and then goes oh, theres doc. Doc, doc, like a nurse. Help my arm. Its that wild stream of consciousness that goes through. Hes so great. He was on about a couple weeks ago, and absolutely got on a roll, and it was just like, things were clicking on and off, the time what he was going to do when he got up. He started, and just would yeah. Well, sometimes, you know when i once met richard burton, and burton was a huge idol, to me, and i was very nervous. He was doing camelot. I had a tendency to always be tongue tied. Goofball, basically, when i would meet celebrities that i admired, so i decided that i was really going to be intelligent, and plan what i was going to say. I went back stage after mr. Burton, i just want to say to you that you are an enormous presence on the stage, and not for one second did i feel that i was watching a movie star. I thought i was watching king arthur. And i thought he would then say, thank you, and move on to the next person. But he didnt. He talked to me. Like a real person. He said, well, did you not find the reverb was somewhat distracting . Booming off the back speaker, it did not bother you, at all . And i said to him, thank you. [ laughter ] that was it, huh . Thats all you planned. And said, and who are you . Never look back. Its difficult. Have you ever tried to get somebody you cant quite nail . There are loosely people. Robin is not easy, because his voice is not easy. Its an attitude, more than it is the voice. Some people i mean, you would be impossible, to me. Rich little does you, and its amazing. I dont know that its particularly good, or not. I tried to do paul simon, once. It was like, i sure like playing in africa. Its like doug henning, right . The power of illusion. [ laughter ] doug henning . Is there a big call for that . Magic is illusion. An illusion that can be magical. [ laughter ] that may not sound that intelligent, but then, im not that intelligent. [ laughter ] and jamie farr. Jamie farr . Yeah. Im a lover, not a fighter, but thats like groucho marx, so no. Gary, get me my clutch bag. Hurry. [ laughter ] what im saying is, you have to have more nuance. You cant take that on the road. Not really. Gary cooper, i only have three words. Forget it. Hes dead. Thats not enough. [ laughter ] i have been walking on ballfields for 16 years. Remember that great speech . Yes. Who was the character on saturday night live . Ed grimly . Yeah. [ applause ] what is that . A composite of a little of this and a little of . Kind of a very optimistic spirit. Very excited to be here, i must say. Oh, give me a break. Being on the tonight show, with Johnny Carson . I suppose that doesnt make me mental, i must say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if i had known you were here you are so decent, i suppose your movies arent the best in the world. Give me a break. I talked to victoria. Shes living with me, now. Oh, youre doing rickles, now . Oh, ill just do anybody. Well, who havent we covered . You working on anybody . Lets see. Did you do me . Do i do you . Yes. Well, i mean, you arent that easy to do. Then well skip it. I just wanted to know. Yeah, okay. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] whats the total on the board, ed . Then theres jerrys laugh, of course, which i love. Hes like a plum pudding, bubbling. [ laughter ] oh, a lozenge. Ill put it there. [ laughter ] when they see their father acting like this, does that disturb them . Do you think they understand that this is what you do for a living . I am teaching my comedy, children. What did i say . Youre teaching your children comedy, or your comedy children . Both those things. Thats what i do. Wa no, im trying to create a comedy dynasty. Not since the wynns, and barely there. [ laughter ] im teaching a comedy dynasty. And barely there. Im teaching my daughter, i taught her, for example, that when she falls down, she must wait for her laughs. She cant just get up, you know. [ laughter ] ive taught her how to do win an oscar. I taught her with a barbie doll. She just holds the barbie doll, and i told her to go oh, baby [ laughter ] it might play. Who knows . It wont. Well be back in just a moment. Well be back. Stay where you are. [ music ] [ applause ] its catching. Youre a lot of fun. Its nice to meet you, and have you on the show. Oh, thank you. Whats coming up for you . Im writing an hbo special, martin short goes to the movies, and i start a film with nick nolte, the fugitives. Hey, sensational. Thank you. Come back with us. Id love to. Okay. Bette, has whales of august opened, yet . The movie . I dont know to what extent. Freddys doing this. Here and there, it has opened. Yes, i think its here and there. To sell something, and theres one little announcement id like to do, for sale. The paperback of my book will be out around valentines day in february. Alrighty. Yes. I feel more comfortable here, that ive tried to sell something. [ laughter ] otherwise, people say, what is she doing there . What am i doing here, is right. Its a privilege to have you here, tonight. Its always fun having you on the show. A privilege to hae its a privilege to be here, johnny. I really enjoy it. Thank you, bette. Thank you, martin. Thank you, have a nice night. [ music ] can you believe this . I just got my new drivers license. I look like a terrorist. Thats a bad picture. I can top that look. My eyes are shut. I look like im dead. I look like ive just been exhumed. Ive got you all beat. This has got to be the ugliest drivers license picture ever. We have a winner. Hi. Good morning. Hey, joe, joe. You left your wallet on the kitchen table. Oh, wow. Ah, man, thanks. I owe you one. Helen these cranberry muffins are delicious. This jelly is wonderful. I never realized all the incredible things you could do with cranberries. Oh, yeah . Try the cranburger. I was trying to get in the spirit of the cranberry festival. Antonio and i gathered them yesterday. Oh, did you use a frilly little basket and skip across the meadow . Hey, i spent a lovely day watching several beautiful women bend over so lay off. I dont mean to be rude, dear but you look like hell. Well, i was up all night. I was waiting for davis to call. I waited, and i waited, and i got tired of waiting alone so i figured id wait with a couple of my friends. Ben and jerry. You do look as if you might have put on a pound or two. I dont think this guys any good for you. One date and youre already jumping through hoops. It would have to be one mighty big hoop. telephone ringing ill get it. Lunch counter. Its the jerk. Davis. Hey. Tonight . Oh, of course im not busy. Id love to. Ebye. I cant believe youre going to be here in four hours. I cant believe hes going to be here in four hours. Okay, okay, let me think. Im going to get my hair done. I need dinner reservations. Youve got to relax. Im just nervous cause i want our second date to be perfect. Dont worry. Hell call and cancel like he did the last five times. Hes not going to cancel. Thank you, brian. D a kissoff note. No, no, no. Hes going to fax her from the plane. Have his secretary call. Message on her machine. Female impersonator with a singing telegram. I cant believe you guys are betting against my date. Hes going to show up. All i have to do is get something to wear and this date will go off without a hitch. Ill take you shopping and you put down that doughnut or well have to take you to the big girls store. Okay. Ive got a good feeling about you and this man. Thanks, fay. Okay, lets go. Ill be right with you, dear. 20 bucks he sends a candygram. Roy, ive been curious. Exactly what is the history behind our lovely cranberry festival . Oh, its a beautiful story. The city fathers got together and decided that between labor day and christmas we needed a way to suck in the tourists. Excuse me. Im going to go kick myself for asking. Hey, helen, i heard about davis. Did you do something to your hair . I just got highlights and these new shoes. Oh, i love those. They look really uncomfortable. Yeah, but they go perfectly with this new dress. Its a little tight, but it goes with the shoes. Why would anybody buy a dress that doesnt fit . After she loses a few pounds she doesnt want it to be too big. If it is too big, you can wear it as a tunic. Or take the belt from your plaid suit and cinch it in the waist. Suddenly outnumbered the male of the species runs to warn the others. Oh, hey, chappel, you got a message while you were gone. That louse. Not that it matters, but did he call . Or send a candygram . No, it was la maison about your dinner reservations no can do. Oh, no. The other restaurants are booked because of this stupid cranberry festival. Helen, helen, relax. Ill get you into la maison. Yeah . Oh, yeah. I have a way with the french. You drop a few names youd be surprised at the results you get. Allo, allo . Bon, daccord, je ne quittes pas. Im on hold. Lowell, i didnt know you were bilingual. Oh, im not. Im just being friendly to the guy because i need a table. Oui, monsieur, sil vous plait une table pour Jacques Cousteau et Catherine Deneuve. Non . No . How about Gerard Depardieu and Jacques Cousteau . Non . Et vous aussi, idiot. spitting allo . Allo . Im not getting a table, am i . Please, Catherine Deneuve couldnt even get a table. Here i go. I start scratching every time i get nervous. Davis is going to be here in two hours. What am i going to do . Do this. Let me think. Lowell, youre a great cook. Can you help me out and cook dinner for us . I only have two hours. Helen, i could never prepare anything that would live up to my standards, in two hours. Can you live up to my standards . Sure. And id even have time for a snooze. Great, thanks a lot youre a lifesaver. Okay, get moving. Clocks aticking. Okay, okay. Everythings going to be okay. Helen stella . What are you doing here . Dominic and i broke up. Hes seeing other women. Oh, stella. Alex, stella, stella, alex. Shes my friend from new york. Remember when you said if i ever needed someone to talk to . I hope you dont have any plans for tonight because i really need someone to talk to. Oh, helen. Tonight . sobbing oh, stella, you know how much that i care for you but, um, listen, i think you should go home and patch things up with your boyfriend. No. I have to stay away from him, but i cant be alone. Im a mess. Oh. Now, now eating for comforts onlywe can. To ma talk is good, but. You know, it just occurred to me maybe i know someone who might be more helpful. Really . Who . Oh, my god. It is her. The slick and speedy motor oil girl. Oh. You know my work . My names stella. Oh, youre a model . Whoa, yes you are. Just write, to roy. Thanks for the most incredible night of my life. If you want to make it realistic write in tiny letters at the corner help. Im trapped in his basement. I cant wait to tell my buddies i met you. Can i see it . Okay, but dont smudge the good parts. Wow, december. It must have been awful cold sitting on that snowmobile in just that little bikini, huh . Whoa no need to answer that one, huh . Hey, slick and speedy. Her name is stella. I was talking to you. Im a grown man. I can look at this if i want to. I just dont want to. Oh, come on, joe. You have to help me. I need. Just because you have a date did i mention stellas gorgeous . Whenever a woman says another woman is gorgeous she has an underbite like a lhasa apso. Forget it, no. Im tired of being mr. Thereforeveryone. Helen . Oh, stella. Stella. Hi, joe hackett. Helen was just telling me what youre going through. You poor thing. Why dont we get together and have dinner tonight . I get off at 7 00. Great. Pick her up at 7 30. Helen, helen, menus all set. Whos this . This is stella, from new york. I cant work under these conditions. Wait. Why . You said two for dinner. You think her meal will magically appear . No, lowell. Shes not eating. Nice hostess. Listen you come around to the back door ill fix you a little plate. Alex helen . Yes . Youre scratching. You need to relax. Come to the gym. Like i have time. Youll lose weight. Lets go. Ill meet you there. Come on, stella. Ive got to sleep. Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. Lowell, take my keys. You go home, get dinner started and give stella a lift. Oh, great. First im the chef. Then im the chauffeur. Whats next . Watering the polo ponies . Dont i know you from somewhere . Im the slick and speedy girl. I appreciate your candor but quite frankly i like a little more mystery in a woman. Hey, girl. Im handling everything great. Davis will be here soon got my hair done, got a dress, lowells cooking i have time for a workout. Everythings going great. Thanks. Everythings not fine i gave lowell my car keys just calm down. Oh, thank you. Remember when we were kids, we used to play keepaway. I used to go like this . Yeah, and i used to go like this. Theyre down there somewhere. Just look around. Whoa come on. Nobodys going tnt its just roy. What the hell is he doing here . I want stellas picture. Forget it. Helens getting ready for a date and stellas asleep. Not a good time, is it . No. Ill park it here till it is. Ooh. doorbell ringing dinner not ready. Stall him its just joe well, that was charming. Wheres stella . Whoa tonights your big date. You pulled out the stops. Cram it, joe. Whats all the noise out here . Im trying to stuff a capon. Everythings going to be fine. Ill take care of this. You go back in the kitchen and stuff it. The capon. I can do this. What are you people doing in my home . Im picking up stella. Im looking for keys. Roy, what would you be doing in my home . Im here to take a naked picture of stella. Oh. What . Helen, you go get ready. Remember, you can do this. I can do this. Youre going out with stella . Boy, what i wouldnt give to. Find my keys. Oh, no, its davis dinner not ready. Stall him. Its just antonio. What is he doing here . Feeling unwelcome at the moment. Oh, good, poison oak. With any luck, it will kill me. Its contagious. Please, im dying here. Ah. Somebody go check on stella. Joe, thats your job. Please knock first. Okay, but, uh. If im not back in ten minutes, send up some champagne. So, you saw her naked, huh . It was awful, honey. Hold me . doorbell ringing oh, no, its davis uh, dinners not ready. Stall him. Its just fay and. Who the hell are you . Dominick stellas boyfriend. No, no. He was making a commotion. Then fine, bring him here, fay. Wait. Youre stellas boyfriend . I couldnt believe it, either. Where is she . Stella stella shes upstairs naked with joe. Stella helen, i need you to taste the sauce. This is the wimp taking my place . Wimp . You had the affair with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Really . Which one . Dump the geek. Lets get out of here. Geek . Time to go, little man. Want a piece of me, rubberneck . Come on screaming okay, i can do this. Who am i kidding . Actually, carrie could be hosed off and then she was okay. But you. Thats it. Everybody out get out of my house go get out. Get out. Who are you . I dont care. Get out. doorbell ringing what the hell do you want . Captioning sponsored by usa network joe if anyone had told me id end up like this i would have thought they were crazy. But here i am. I wonder what people will say when they hear the news. Out. All i know is after a lifetime of playing it safe i felt like there was no other choice. But wait im getting ahead of myself. Man hello knocking hello you work here . I own the place. There should be someone here. Can i help you . I was on your morning flight. Its this size and its got my initials on it, p. M. S. Yeah, you heard me, and no jokes. No problem, sir. I will put our ticket agent on it right away and shell track it down in no time. I just have to track her down first. Ill get on it. I have an important meeting at 5 00. I need whats in that briefcase. Understand . Dont worry, sir. Well find it. Hey, lowell. Tleman lost a black briefcase. Would you put our tracking system on it . Our what . Go out on the runway and look around. Oh. Tracking system. Ill be back here at 4 30. If i dont have that briefcase, im out of a lot of money and ive got lawyers that will make sure you are too. Fay, thank god. I need your help. I cant stay. Im just here to pick up my handcuffs. Handcuffs . Its my second husband, george. Hes in trouble. Hes dead. How much more trouble could he be in . They want to move everyone in the cemetery so they can build a new golf course. But handcuffs . A group of us widows are protesting. Were chaining ourselves to the gate. I really need your help this morning. Joe, this may be the last chance ill ever have to visit my husband without paying greens fees. Grave robbers hi. Is this the baggage claim department . This is joe hackett of sandpiper air. Im missing a black briefcase from my last flight. Yeah, yeah, i know. Look, i dont have time for jokes right now. Could you look around and see. . Joe, joe, i need to talk to you. Can you hold on . My cab is falling apart, and i found a new one. The bank would not give me a loan without a cosigner, so i put down you. Hey, wait, antonio. Dont worry, joe. I will make all the payments. They just need someone to sue in case i dont. Hang on one second. Antonio, how could you give them my name without asking me first . My dear friend i never would have done it if i thought you would have this attitude. I dont have an attitude. I just. Just forget it rich boy. Antonio scarpacci has his pride. What the hell am i saying . Pride wont feed the bulldog. Please, joe, im in big trouble. I need this cab. Ah, thanks. Ill be back with the papers. We have to talk about this. Oh, not now. Youre way too busy. Hi. Thanks for holding. The bags not there anywhere, huh . Maybe it got on the wrong plane. What flights do you have that left the same time . Ill try syracuse, cleveland and newark. Thanks. Bye. Well, are you happy now . Oh, ill bet you are. Oh, i see that arrogant, smug look on your face. All right, just lay into me. Just rub my nose right in it. What are you talking about . You are 100 right about davis lynch. This is the fifth weekend in a row that he has canceled our date. He obviously does not take our relationship very seriously. I hope you told him to go to hell. No, but when i told him i couldnt wait to see him next weekend, my enthusiasm was very low. Can we talk about this a little later . I dont want to talk about it. Why dont you give him some kind of ultimatum . Tell him either he shows up next weekend or its over. Thats exactly right. Im going to call him and tell him that. Dont you think im being a little rough . Tell him. Hi. This is joe hackett out on nantucket. I have a little problem. I need. loud noise can you hold on for one second . Thanks. Lowell lowell hi, joe. Its a beauty, isnt it . 1947 harleydavidson. Im rebuilding it. Thats great, lowell but im trying to work in my office. You picked the right place for it. If you tried to get anything done out here the noise would drive you bats. Yeah, hi. Ing for a black briefcase. Its monogrammed. The initials are p. M. S. Yeah, they told me over in providence it might be there with you. Well, could you. What the hell are you doing . Im in the middle of a situation here. Joe. Something happened. What is it . Are you all right . Iiiii. Come on, come on. Just tell me. Youre scaring me. Its awful, joe, its awful. What, what, what . Alex and i finally had sex last night and it wasnt great. Thats it . Come on. Stop kidding around, will you . This is serious. And i was expecting magic, you know and this wasnt magic. Dont get me wrong the rabbit came out of the hat. I really dont want to talk about this. Fine, because what i really need is for you to talk to alex. What . Ask her how it was for her. You expect me to go to your girlfriend and talk to her about your sex life . Yeah. With you, shell be truthful. Like i did to her. No, no. Theres no way. It is out of the question. I am not doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. If ever you have a girlfriend, ill do the same for you