Say, why did you do that . Im watching my favorite tv show death Valley Hospital. It makes too much noise, pop. Do you mind . I sure feel sorry for lilian. Im not kidding you. Wednesday she found out that her best friend ran away with her husband. And thursday she found out her son had been arrested for stealing a car. And then today she found out that her daughter was pregnant, uh, and was living with a rock group. Some good news. The doctor gave her 6 months to live. And thats the same married doctor that shed been having the illicit affair with. Hey, pop, if you dont mind being a little more quiet, see, i got this terrible headache. Ok, but i dont know why they call these soap operas cause theyre filthy. Look, pop, you know, i got a headache a real bad headache. Uhoh. Uhoh . What do you mean uhoh . Thats what lilian had last week. All right. So i got 6 months to live. Well, that aint too bad. It could be worse. At least youre not pregnant. Pop, would you stop talking about this dumb soap opera . As a matter of fact, just stop talking period, all right . Well, what did i do . Nothing, but ive been trying to tell you, man, i got a headache. I mean, all im doing is just sitting here watching this sad tv show yeah, while im out there all day working my tail off on the truck. Why dont you clean this place up . Look at it. Its a mess. Papers scattered all over the floor. I bet you last nights dishes are still in the sink, right . Right . Shh. Remember, son, your headache. Man, ive had this headache for 2 days. Im going in the kitchen and take myself a headache pill. Pop, do you know theres not a clean glass what . Theres not a clean glass in the whole kitchen. Ill get you one. Oh, never mind. Ive had this headache for 2 days, man. Well, listen, son. Uh, maybe i can diagnose your case. What . I watch dr. Wynn whitfield onon death Valley Hospital all the time, andand maybe i can help you. Youre fooling around, man. I thought you were serious. Now just leave me alone and let me get some shuteye, and ill probably feel better after the pills start working, all right . Ill be quiet as a mouse. All right. Since i had this headache, pop, ttle noise is magnified 100 times, so try and cool it, all right . Not a sound. Beautiful. Just start cleaning up a little bit. [creaking] [creaking] [knocking] oh, hi, fred lower your voice. [deep voice] hi, fred. Come on. Come on in the kitchen. Hi, lamont shh [whispering] hes trying to sleep. Hes had his headache for 2 days. Uhoh. Uhoh . What do you mean uhoh . Well, you remember in death Valley Hospital, when lilian got her headache, and the doctor told her that she only has 6 months to live. Oh, thats just something they tell them silly people so theyll tune in the next day. Oh, thats youre right, fred. Yeah. Lets wake lamont up. Well, why . Because if he only got 6 months to live, it seems a shame to waste em sleeping. Go ahead. You wake him up, no, no. He might get mad at me, soso you wake him up. Well, hes already mad at me, so you wake him up, and ill be right here. Ok. He looks so cute. [chuckling] i just cant resist. Coochy coochy coo grady, what are you doing . Just leave me alone, all right . I got a headache. Let me get some rest over here. Ohoh, im sorry. Ill go fix you a nice cup of hot tea, lamont. Yeah, you do that. Yeah, son, and ill call the doctor. Hey, pop, forget it, man. Doctors dont make house calls. They will if its an emergency. A headache is not an emergency. Not an emergency . Well, what else is it . If you got a headache, you cant go to work. If you cant go to work, you cant make no money. You cant make no money, i cant eat. You know, maybe if i eat something, ill feel better. Yeah. Well, theres one piece of roast beef there in the kitchen. Its leftover from last night. [mumbling gibberish] [groaning] hello. Yeah, its the Emergency Service . This is fred sanford. Sanford. Sanford period. Yeah. I gotta get a doctor out here right away to 9114 South Central avenue. Yeah. Uh, who . Its my son. His head is killing him. How old . Uh, hes 2. Uh, thank you, miss. Bye. Pop, why did you tell the woman i was 2 years old for . Because they move a little faster when its for a kid. I dont know, fred. Today is wednesday, and that doctor might be out there on the golf course somewhere. No. This aint one of them highfalutin, highclass Beverly Hills doctors. Well, where is he . Mr. Sanford. Yeah, doc. You sure got here in a hurry. Well, luckily, i was in the neighborhood. Wheres the baby . Uh, rightright over here. How long has he had the mustache . Uh, since he was one. Pretty big for 2 years old, isnt he . Yeah. I used to give him that kind of bread that helps you grow 8 ways. Uh, what difference it make how old he is anyway . Im a pediatrician. Oh, im methodist myself. Hey, im terribly sorry about the mix up, doctor. Well, as long as im here, maybe i can help. All right. I hope so. Oh. Where does it hurt, little fellow . No. I just got a headache. Well, lets have a look. Uh, maybe you can give him a pill. Um, perhaps. Wow. Youre lucky you dont have to take 2 of these. Ill get you a bucket of water. Take a deep breath. Again. Once more. Thats all right. All right. Lets have a look inside. Open the garage wide. Say ahh. All right, tiger. Go upstairs while i talk to daddy. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute now. Would you stop all this nonsense . Now im a grown man, and you dont have to tell nothing to my daddy. You can tell me. And before you close that bag, let me have a few of them lollipops. Uh, what do you think, doc . What is that supposed to mean . Well, headaches can be caused by stress situations. Um, im a great believer in psychosomatic illness. Hey, doc, maybe you could help me maybe you could help me a little bit. Ive been having a little trouble. See, ive been having them baby heart attacks. Well, uh, you need a baby heart specialist. Heres my bill. 30hey, doc. Oh, doc, wait a minute. You forgot something. [thudding] aah hi, fred. [louder] hi, fred what . I said hi, fred. Oh. I mean, was that wrong . I mean, i came over, so i said hi and fred, what are you talking about . Well, im talking about a person arriving in another persons yard andand greeting that person with the word hi followed by his first name to wit hi, fred. Hi, grady. Oh, hi, fred. Say, fred, hows lamont . Hes not doing too good. Hes at the clinic now. Oh, wow. Thats been going on for 2 weeks. You think hed be better by now. Whos he seeing today . Hes seeing a psychiatrist. And for goodness sake, grady, dont say nothing to nobody. Aw, fred, now wait a minute. You know i wouldnt say anything. Well, that thats nothing to be ashamed of. Were all modern people, and we know that just because you see a psychiatrist, that doesnt mean that youre crazy. Thats right. Yeah. Anyway, ill see you a little later, fred. And when lamont comes home, tell him that i said, hiya, cuckoo. I think i see a pattern here. Oh, yeah . What is it . Youve never felt comfortable lying on that couch, have you . No, no, no, doctor, not really. Why . Is it my approach . No. Its your cologne. I see something id like to go with. Oh, you found a cure for my headache . No, not a cure. I found the cause, and thats the first step. You know, find the cause, cure the cause, then the headache will cure itself. Oh, great. Ok. Lay it on me. What is it . Well, its a pathological patriphobia, resulting in a repressed psychogenic malaise. D what does that mean . You hate your father. You all right . Im fine, pop. Oh, i tell you hey, how come you got the couch made up like a bed . Well, i thought when you got home, youd be too sick to go upstairs. Of course you did. Thats another thing i love about you, pop the concern that you feel for me. I love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, say, wwwhats happened . You act like youve been hit by a sugar truck. Theres nothing wrong with me, pop. Look at this. I feel great. You know, i went down to the doctor, and he gave me a new lease on life. I feel fanlook atlook at this. Tennis, anyone . Huh . Well, what else the doctor say . I dont want to talk about it. Ive got a headache. [melodramatic music plays] ely, continue, please. I cant say it. Imim so ashamed. Oh, of course you can say it. Were so close to an answer. Go on, please. Look, tell me. What i say to you is it gonna be in the strictest of confidence . Its in the strictest of confidence. Thisthis room is our kingdom of privacy where we can say and discuss our innermost thoughts and secrets. All right, then. All right. Yes . Is i love you. Oh, is it . Thats nice, lady. Now get the hell out of here. Mrs. Neely, you dont have to go now. You dont have to go. Mrs. Neely, come back here. Mrs. Do you know what youve just done . Im sorry, doc, but my son is more important to me than that lady. She was almost at a breakthrough. Break through this. Now who are you . Nford. And they told me downstairs that youre the doctor that talked to my son. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, i did. Well, what did you tell him, doc . Exactly what do you mean . I mean my son came home acting mmhe wasuh well, exactly what did he say . He said, i love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Oh, mr. Sanford. Yeah. Uh, then perhaps i could help your son. Why dont you lie down on the couch . Uh, iii dont think i want to know you that well. Uh mr. Sanford, justjust lie down on the couch. Now see, i help people by getting them to relax and say exactly whats on their mind. Now go ahead. Lie down on the couch. Ok. Now i know this might seem a little bit strange to you. Relax. [clears throat] but, uh, we have a way of getting people to relax by playing a word game. Oh, youre gonna play a game . Yeah. I love games. Did you ever play pin the mules tail on esthers face . Ill say a word, and you say the first thing that comes into your mind, all right . Ok, doc. Are you relaxed . Yeah. Doc, listen. Let me tell you, what is causing all my sons headaches . Well, first of all, your son does not want to admit the first thing thats causing the headaches. Well, what is it . He hates you. My son hates you. Hey, lets go back to that word game again. All right. All right. Fist. [speaking inaudibly] mind yourself. Cool it. [both speaking inaudibly] he hates me. My own son hates me. After i gave him the best years of my life. I aint got nobody that cares for me. You still got me, fred. Years ago when he was just a baby, and he would cry, and id tell his mother id say, elizabeth, get up and feed that boy. And another time, he screamed and screamed, and i ali almost broke my leg getting elizabeth out the bed to see what was wrong. Ive been a good father to him. And where did i go wrong, grady . Well, you made a few mistakes, fred. Tell me. Tell me, grady. No. See, because youre not gonna like anything i say. Well, thats ok. Just tell me. Well, first of all, fred, you see, lamont loves you. Cts you, and hes a good son. He works hard. But on the other hand, i mean, you just dont treat him right. I mean, youre always grouching and complaining. You cant cook. You keep the house messy. And youre fred, youre rotten. Fred, i mean, just deep down, low down rotten to the core. And you take this from a enemy. See, i told you you wasnt gonna like it. [mumbling] well, hi, grady. Oh, hi, lamont. How you doing, pop . Hey, my handsome son. How you doing . Uh, fine, just fine. Listen, i was just telling grady here how much i worry about you. Uh, how about a hot cup of coffee . Great. Ill get it. No, no, no, no. You dont have to go get nothing. Ill get anything you want. Uh, grady, get lamont a cup of coffee. Son, sit right down there and relax cause youve been working hard all morning. I know you must be exhausted. Well, i am kind of tired. Yeah. Hey, listen, after we have this coffee, ill fix you a nice, hot bath so the window can steam all up, and you can write some dirty words on there like you did when you was a kid. Uh, no thanks, pop. Ill just take a shower later on and go to bed early. Well, i hope not too early cause i got a great dinner planned, too. Yeah. I got prime rib of spare rib oh. And guess what were having for dessert. What . Cracker jacks. Aaand you can have the prize this time. Thats great. Thats real nice, pop. Uh, this sounds like a good dinner. You need any help with it . Oh, no, no. I want you to see that i get everything that you need done ill have it done myself. Ill do it. Uh, grady, get dinner started. Uh, yeah. Heres your coffee, lamont. Thanks a lot, grady. All right. Hey, uh, listen. Afterafter we finish dinner, ere and watch tv while grady does the dishes. Yeah. Just be me and you sitting here. Father and son togetherness. Yeah, it sounds great. Uh, excuse me, you two, butbut ive got to run down to the supermarket and get something extra special for dinner tonight. And, you know, i just really enjoy being a father to lamont, and, lamont, i hope you dont hate me [door shuts] hey, pop . Hmm . You went down to that doctor, and he told you everything he told me, didnt he . Dont hate me, though, son. Please dont dont hate me. I mean, you could hate me if it helps you, but dont hate me hate me. Uh, you know what i mean . I dont know what i mean. Pop, i dont hate you. I love you. Well, i want you to hate me if itll help your headache. And i know you wont hate me when you hate me, but youll just be hating me to help your headache, and if you just try it, it might be good for you. So hate me. Would you just stop it . This is silly. No, its not silly for you to say you hate me. Thats all i want you to do just say you hate me. Well ok. I hate you. And ill know you dont hate me, but your head will feel better. Look, im not gonna say i hate you because i dont hate you. I love you. Now i dont want to talk about it anymore. Now why dont you just clean up this place . Say you hate me. Im not gonna say it. Now why dont you just clean up this place . Its a mess. And i walk in here, and this place is messy. Theres newspapers all over the floor, the sink is full of dishes, and you know Something Else . When i come in here and find that soap opera on, boy, that really makes me mad because i cannot stand me. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, thats thats not right. I love you, but my headache is gone. Its gone. My headache is gone. You hate me. No, no. I dont hate you. Dont you understand, pop . Things that you do, and i had all of that bottled up inside of me. Oh, son, im so happy. Now i know what happened to lilian. Lilianlilian isnt gonna die. Dr. Whitfield is gonna save her life. Hell pull her through. 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Something sure smells good. Morning, son. Excuse me. I gotta get upstairs to the beds. Oh, hey, you fixed breakfast, and it smells great, and youve been down here e living room already. Thats right, son. Thats the way you like it, so i want to make you happy. Well, let me get to this bed. No. Wait a minute, pop. Why dont you stay down here and have breakfast with me . Man, you dont have to make up the beds now. Im not gonna lay down again till tonight. Well, youre not, but i am. Thats where im going to get in the bed. See this cleaning and dusting and cooking, its got my head aching. Wellwell, why dont you stop . Because if i stop, then youll have a headache. Thats right. I finished cleaning and cooking and dusting. Captioning made possible by Sony Pictures television [sanford and son theme song playing]