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Just be quiet. Shh surprise surprise [grady laughing] hey welcome home, pop oh, fred hello, donna. Oh, fred. Please, esther. My two favorite ladies out of a fairy tale esther well beauty and the beast. Why you want to insult me, fred sanford . Have called you a pickleheaded, evildoing heathen, but i didnt. Thats right, fred, she didnt. And i could have called you a frogeyed, fisheating fool, but i didnt and i could have called you a monkeyfaced, fatbottom gorilla, but i didnt. So now i will, you fatbottom gorillafaced ape. Now, wait a minute now this is a aunt esther, this is a welcome home party. Everybodys here to have a good time. Well, lets have a good time. What it is, pops. Ask your mama what it is. Ill bet she dont even know. Come on, pops. Cheers. Cheers . That what you want . Yippee yippee yay yay look who got out of jail today come on, pops. You want some more . Do you . All right. Bim bam boom hey, man, come on. Come on. Let bygones be bygones, man. No, lets let goodbyes be goodbyes. Bye bubba hey, fred nice seeing you, man. Yeah, its good to see you, bubba. And good your old lady let you out of the house tonight. Oh, man, she didnt let me out of the house, i ducked out of the house on my own. I ducked the frying pan, i ducked 3 plates, i even ducked the cat hey, pop, tell us about st. Louis. Yeah [all clamoring] all right, wait a minute. St. Louis was just great. Hey, rollo, give me that small brown bag over there. I bought presents for everybody. [all talking at once] you got a present for me, too, fred . Yeah, yeah, grady. I got yours first cause youve been taking such good care of my son. Oh, you didnt have to do that. I wasnt expecting anything. On pads. Well, i really im going to put those on now. I need them. Uh, grady, grady, dont take your shoes off in the house. Please dont take your shoes off and, donna, honey, heres something for you. Oh. See there . If you get a watch, you can put it in there. Bubba oh, now, thats cruel. Lowdown. Fred wait a minute. I was just kidding. I was just kidding, honey. Heres the watch. Oh oh its beautiful look, esther yes. Look. Its exactly 249. Are you kidding . It must be 6 00. I wasnt looking at the time, fred. I was looking at the price tag. Well, get your face away from it before it stops. Thats just a clear piece of plastic. No, it aint. Put it up to your face. Thats your halloween mask lamont hey, pop, would you leave aunt esther alone . It would be a pleasure. Aunt esther, would you like a drink . Oh, she wouldnt want a drink. Why wouldnt i want a drink . Because you are a drinka zombie. Come on now. , i almost forgot, i got you a present, too. Me . Got you a quadraphonic stereo. All right yeah. Here. You want to trade . Hey, man, you need an airplane for these to work. No, you dont. Plug on in there. Listen. . I knew id be sure that this love beyond. . Thats himcheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap listen to that the voice of a chicken coming out of a buzzard. Wait a minute wait a minute i hope youre proud of yourself, pop. All your friends come over here to give you a welcome home party, and you have to start a fight. It wasnt none of my fault. Esther started all that rigmarole. Yeah, pop, but you called her a zombie. I should have called her a gorilla. Thats what she is a gorilla. She looks like mighty joe youngs sister, mighty ugly. Are you going to help me clean up this mess, or are you just going to sit there . Ok, ok. Ill help you, but first i got to get into something comfortable my bed. Good night. Hey, come on, pop. Help me clean up, man. Help. Fred well, you said he took care of you all the time i was gone. Yeah, well, gradys a nice guy and a good friend and all that, but hes no help, man. Ok, ill change and come back down. Thank you very much. Hey, grady, wwhere you going . Im leaving. Leaving . Leaving, leaving, leaving. Leaving. Leevin. Leavin. Hey, grady, its the middle of the night. Whats the matter with you . Nothings the matter with me, especially my ears. [crying] i heard what you told your father. Oh, that well, look, grady no, i dont want to hear no excuses. I heard what you said look, grady. Come on in the kitchen for a minute. No, i dont want to go in the kitchen im leaving no, come on, grady. Just come in the kitchen. Ar it . Come on, now. Now, just sit down over here, ok . Now, you see, pops upstairs changing. I dont want him to hear this. You know why i told pop that youre no help to me, grady . Grady yeah, because you dont think im any help to you. Lamont no, man, thats what i wanted him to think. Well, why you want him to think that . So he would feel better. Hows that going to make him feel better, knowing that his best friend couldnt take care of his only son while he was away . That can run this place and take care of me. So . So i couldnt tell him the truth, grady, that you could run the place and take care of me just as good as he can. Oh, youyou really mean that . Of course i mean that, man. Oh now i understand. I understand why you said i was no help to you. You wanted to make him feel important and better than me. Right, grady. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, i mean, i understand those kind of things. You wanted to try to make him feel important and better than me. Thats right, grady. Oh, i see. Yeah, yeah. Well, you could have just told me that. You didnt have to, you know, just say it behind my back. Well, im glad you understand, grady. Well, ok, im going to go clean up now, then, ok . Hey, thanks a lot, man. All right. Yeah. Wow. Uh, lamont . Huh . You werent lying to me, were you . , look, man, i dont lie. Well. Maybe just a little bit. That old, crummy grady. Talking about he can run the business better than me. Well, he can have it. He can change sanford and son hey, fred, why the long face, man . I just got the short end. Fred, youre crying. Hey, man, what happened . Well. My best friend ran off with my son. What are you talking about, man . That lying grady wilson. Grady . Yeah. Well, what did he do . He convinced lamont that he was a better businessman than me and he could cook better than me and he was better in the yard than me. Ok, now get to the lying part. That was the lying part that dummy lamont. Well, fred, then youve got to go back there and assert yourself. Youre right. I mean, a mans home is his castle his castle right, and youve got to show them that you are the king im the king of my castle n work twice as hard as both them put together and twice as long, too the king has abdicated. Long live the dummy. Uh, fred, youre not giving in, now . Hell no, i aint giving in they think they dont need me. Well, theyll find out they need me and i dont need them. What are you talking about . Theyll see lamont will see and grady will see. Everybody will see [gasps] i cant see i dont understand it. I just dont understand it. Lamont, why would he leave like that . I dont understand it, either, donna, but i appreciate you and aunt esther coming over here like this. Well, misery loves company. Somebodysoh. Who is it . Oh, thats you, lamont. Thats your reflection in the window. [clatter outside] no, oh, no, no. Oh. Donna oh, fred help call the zoo i think ive captured a gorillafaced uglymopatamus watch it, sucker. Now, now, hold on, hold on. Ill go put on a pot of coffee. Hey, pop, do you know what time it is . Man, where have you been . Here, there, to and fro, and hither and yond. And youve been drinking, too. Right. Where . Hither and fro and to. Just look at you pants all baggy, face all dirty. Youre just a messy fool. And youre just a cessypool. Why, you esther. Leave the poor man alone. Take your hand off me, woman fred, dear, come and sit down. Let me help you. Do not, dont. Please dont, donna. I dont need nobodys help. I dont need nobody at all. Pop, pop, pop. How much did you drink, anyway . . How deep is the ocean . . . How high is the sky . . Hey, whats the matter with you, pop . Oh, theres nothing wrong with me giving myself a little going out of town party. Going out of town party . Fred, fred, you just got back. Where you going . St. Louis. . Mis . . Iss . . Mouse . . Mmmississippi . . Mississippi . Thats where im needed. Youre needed here, pop. No, you dont need me here. You got greedy. Grady. Yeah. You got greedy grady. Greedy grady want my house and my son. Well, you got it, greedy grady goodbye, exson. And donna fred. Now, fred you aint never did nothing to me. I love you. Kiss me, honey. Lamont, will you do something about this . Oh, donna, youre going to have to shave but i got to take the bus. Its too far to ride this horse to st. Louis. I dont need none of them im glad to be out of there you all belong together will you stop following me, horse . I aint got no oats in these bags. Look at that. A couch out in the yard. Hey, pop. Mmm. Hey, lamont. Youre not in st. Louis, pop, youre at home. Huh . Oh. Oh hangover . Oh bad . Oh can i get you something for it . Please. What . A bullet. And put it right here. [groaning] ill fix something for you, pop. No, no, ill fix my own stuff. [groans] hey, thats not funny, lamont. You backed that truck over my head. Come on. Let me help you. Ok, just to the kitchen. All right. Are we there yet . No, not yet. Almost . Almost, pop. Oh, lamont, lamont. Whats the matter, pop . I just hate to be a burden to you. Hey, would you stop talking like that . Yeah. I dont need you, pop. I heard you with my own lips. Ears. Yeah, yeah. Ears. Hear with ears, talk with lips. Im losing my mind. Youre not losing your mind, pop. You just got a hangover. Now, come on. Yeah, and i want you to help me get rid of it. All right. Here. Im gonna tell you what i want you to do. Listen. Give me some tomato juice and a raw egg. Right, pop. [groans] tomato juice and a raw egg. Yeah. Uttering indistinctly]. Sauce and some tabasco. Ohhh, son. Hey, wheres my prune juice . Your prune juice . Yeah, get me some prune juice. Oh, and salt and pepper. [groaning] and the prune juice. And tomato juice. Ohhh. And, son, help me. Help me over there so i can get to the vodka. The vodka . Yeah. I just need a smidgen of vodka. Know what i mean . Just enough to wake up the flavor. A bloody mess. Now, would you mind telling me what you heard that made you so upset . I didnt need pop. I didnt miss pop. I heard you, now. Dont deny it. I wont, pop. Look. Grady overheard us talking, and he heard me telling you that i dont need him around here. He heard me say that and , to keep from hurting his feelings, around here as you are, and thats the truth, pop. Well, how do i know youre not lying to me about lying to him about lying to me . Say that again . I cant. Look, pop, i need you here. Now, please, just believe me. Why should i . Because im your son. I am your son, arent i . Of course, youre my son. Why else would you be around here 32 years free . And if that was wrong, then its not my fault, its your fault because you always told me that i should be concerned about other peoples feelings, and you gave me warmth and sensitivity. Well, if i gave you all that stuff, i aint got nothing left for myself. So you believe me, pop . I believe you. Hey, thanks a lot. And im sorry that i ruined the party last night, son. Hey, thats ok, pop, but in the future, when aunt esther and your friends come over here, and a little kinder . I sure will. What does that stuff taste like . Whats it taste like . Did you ever taste castor oil . Ooh. And clapper and spoiled pig snoots . Well, mix that all together and spray it with raid, and throw in some of gradys socks and aunt esthers face. Thats what it tastes like. But, son, my headaches gone. Would you stop shouting . Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. You know what, son . Im gonna show you that i can cook better than grady. Hey, man, you aint got to prove nothing to me. Youre my pop. I know that, but i learned something today. To give is to take. Im gonna be a giver, not a taker. Now, thats the way i like to hear my old man talk. And you know what . Im starting tonight. Im gonna cook you a great big turkey with 2 kinds of sausage and 3 kinds of vegetables. Hey, man, a meal like that would cost a fortune. No, that would make you the giver and me the taker. See, im gonna be the giver and you the taker. Yeah, but its too late to Start Cooking a meal like that, pop. Hey, i know. Ill call up jacobs soul food and tell them im going to bring you over there for dinner around 8 00. Captioning made possible by Sony Pictures television your Insurance Company wont replace the full value of your totaled new car. The guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan