Snt the breeze, so that, so how, im awful right. audience laughs you, uh, you are right, but just forget, just forget everything ive told you. Just say, can it be the trees that fill the breeze. singing . Can it be the. . Trees. singing . Can it be the trees that fill . The breeze. Please. . No, i never. audience laughs how can it be the trees that fill the breeze with okay, fellas, okay, okay. laughter and applause audience laughs i thought i had a good idea and it didnt work. So, if youll leave now, ill introduce you later. [tom] dont you want us to try it again . No no no. You tried it once. Ill introduce you and youll do something later. [tom] quietly to dick i told you he didnt know. Of course, ladies and gentlemen, you know those are the smothers brothers. applause you know the reason i had them out here at the opening, is i thought for a change it would be kind of nice to have someone else do my theme song instead of that orchestra of mine. When the brass section blows through their instruments, and those fumes fill the breeze, audience laughs believe me, its a rare, but not magic, perfume. audience laughs applause now, normally, having trouble like that at the opening of a show would upset me, but not anymore. E is your health. Yes, sir, thats the important thing. But fortunately, i dont get sick very often because i keep myself in real good condition, you know, physical condition, and the way i do that is by getting plenty of exercise. Every morning, i used to get up at 7 00 and turn on my tv set, see, and do all those exercises they show you on television, but after about eight weeks, i had to stop that. Those exercises were for women and my whole shape was changing. audience laughs as a matter of fact, i didnt notice it myself until one day i, um, well. Id better save that for the Johnny Carson show. audience laughs and now, ladies and gentlemen, two very fine entertainers, the smothers brothers. applause boil that cabbage down . lyrics slow meter boil that cabbage down boys . Turn that hoecake round banging on guitar boil that cabbage down boys . Turn that hoecake round . The only song i ever did sing . Is boil that cabbage down . Boil that cabbage down boys . Turn that hoecake round . The only song i ever did sing . Is boil that cabbage down . Take it, tom no. audience laughs i said no, i didnt wanna take it. Your supposed to take it. Arent you a folk singer . Yes, but i, but i said no cause i didnt wanna take it. Wait a minute, youre a folk singer. And what does the guide book say . It says all folk singers are obligated to do, what . Youre ob, youre sup, obligated to take it. audience laughs without, without hesitation, without thinking. Like a reflex, tommy. Take it, tom, boom, boom, boom. [tom] loudly yeah, well i [dick] when i say take it, hop to it singing . Boil that cabbage down . Take it, tom ughs speaking over guitar hundreds of years ago, the railroads started in america. Rugged men of yesteryear went out in the wilderness with vision in their eyes and big ninepound hammers in their hand. Went out in the wilderness to build the great spiderweb of steel rails, the transcontinental railroads that span our country. As these men went out in the wilderness and toiled and inched their way across the vast bosom of america. audience laughs but this wasnt just a fun job. There was dangers in this job as they built the railroads up the mountains and down the mountains, and in the, across, uh, the deserts and oer, over raging river, and they had to span cravisses, deep cravisses in the ground, and in the bottom of the cravisses, there was pewmas. audience laughs with claws and foam coming out these pewmas mouths, and the, and the railroad men, theyre going woo, look at those pewmas down there audience laughs audience laughs im not gonna build stop it, stop it, stop yourself. Any railroad across the craviss, theres pewmas in the craviss audience laughs what do you think youre doing . There were no pumas in the crevasses because we dont have pumas here. There are no pumas in america. audience laughs well, maybe some came over to visit. Now, if you wanna keep your story truthful, you get rid of the pumas right now. Im not goin down in that crevasse. audience laughs speaking over guitar well there was these, there was these vicious beasts in these deep cravisses, and these, these, these rail men said, wow, look at those vicioius beasts in the craviss down there audience laughs sure look like pewmas audience laughs but they werent, they. Yet the railroads were completed. Yet, the transcontinental railroads were completed and a big fea, a big feast was transpired for these rugged railroad men, and the sole substistance for this big feast for these railroad men, the sole substistance, was hotcakes boiled in cabbage juice. audience laughs not so popular now. audience laughs so we have to sing about Something Else. audience laughs . lyrics bought myself a bicycle . And broke it all to pieces audience laughs . Boil that cabbage down boys . Turn that hoecake round . The only song i ever did sing . Is boil that cabbage down . Oh, workin on the railroad . Workin all day long take it. audience laughs now what do you mean, take it . You di have you ever read the folk singers manual . audience laughs loudly it says when alright, alright, youre right. Someone says to take it, youre right, im sorry. Youre supposed to take it. Im sorry, im sorry. And you didnt take it im sorry. Im very sorry, really, im sorry. loudly well dont get belligerent you didnt take it audience laughs i said im sorry, thats all i can say. Im sorry. Thats okay, then. Dont make anymore mistakes. . Workin on the railroad, workin all day long take it . Working, working, working, working, . Working, working, working laughs . Boil that cabbage down boys audience laughs audience laughs . Turn that hoecake round . The only song i ever did sing . Turn that hoecake round . The only song i ever did sing . Is boil. That. Cabbage. . Down. . Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil . Down . Down . You know, fellas, that was very, very good. [dick] thank you. You know, you boys have been quite successful the last few years. Must make you very happy, huh . Well, it makes us happy, but it really makes our family very happy, oh, your grandmother. Yeah, we have a little old grandmother and she lives up in barney gulch, a little town in northern california, and since we, things have been going well, nobody ever hardly knew her, but now they refer to her as the smothers brothers mothers mother. audience laughs no audience laughs yeah, she has a mailbox this long well, fellas, tell me something about yourself. Where did you go to school . Well, we went to high school down here in rodonda beach, california, and then we both went to college. Oh, you went to college. Whatd you study . Well, i was studying business administration, and tommy was studying medicine. audience laughs he looks like a pewma to me, i dont know. Yeah, i was gonna be a brain surgeon. audience laughs a brain surgeon . Yeah, i couldnt be pewma, theres no pewmas. audience laughs you studied to be a brain surgeon, huh . Yeah, but i decided against it. I mean, you know, i was 18 years old and g my meat for me. audience laughs well, i can see where that might lessen your confidence. No, i was pretty good with a fork, but a knife, i was lousy. audience laughs so tell me, how did you laughs . How did you kids happen to get into show business . You know, we were watching television, he just kinda stood around and he stared at the audience. Tommy, tommy. He did, too, he just went out and he stood out there and he kinda. Stared at the audience, he didnt do anything. Tommy. Well, the way i figured, if he could go out there and stand around and do nothing, i guess i figured maybe we could do tommy audience laughs audience laughs applause audience laughs he doesnt know what were talking about. audience laughs i do too and that was years ago. Anyway, im glad i was responsible for you going into show business. Now, i know youre going to do another number, so whats it gonna be . Hows he know were gonna do another number . [benny] oh when he pays, he knows. Work cheap. audience laughs i know, i know. Now just, just do your number. applause wed like to do a song of a young man who just lost his sweetheart and is feeling very sorry for himself. Titled i never will marry. i never will marry . lyrics some say that love is a gentle thing . For the only girl i ever did love . Has gone on that Midnight Train . I never will marry . All of my life . dick hums in background . spoken when i was very young . I remember there was a little girl . That lived down the street from me . And we always used to say that of a childish thing . And a puppy love . Yet as the years went by . This puppy love grew into something . Very dear and very precious to me . You know, they tell us that love is a gentle thing . But i think each person here who has . Truly loved and been loved has shed a tear . And experienced heartache . Yet i love her still . And i swear by all the stars in the sky . That as long as i live . I never will marry unless i can marry her . Ill mess around a little bit though, ya know. audience laughs applause you know, theres something about those boys thats very familiar. They remind me of a couple of fellas i met when i was in london in 1944. It was during the war and i was over in europe entertaining the service men, see, well, one night, the enemy planes came over and put on one of the most devastating air raids of the entire war, ill never forget it. I had finished by show at the theater and i was walking back to my hotel, see, air raid siren going off when the sirens started to wail, bombs exploding the bombs dropped, and the searchlights were crisscrossing the sky. A bit of what for tonight this ones even worse than the other one. ticking shhh. Listen. ticking ticking dya hear something . Lord love a duck. ticking sounds like weve got a real live bomber out here. Blimey, thats a big un ill go get the bomb defusing squad. Theres a bloke under here. I better hurry applause here, what are you doin there . What am i doing . I tried to catch this for a souvenir. audience laughs what am i doing. Hes an edgy one, isnt he . American, you know. audience laughs whistle blowing dont move, hold it ticking you hear it ticking . The slightest little jolt would set the whole thing off. You mean. . Let me put it this way, govnor. If you sneeze, youll never hear the gesundheit. audience laughs [policeman dick ] alright, clear the area clear the area everybody out clear the area [soldier tom ] hey, clear the area he said everybody clear the area audience laughs for heavens sake, cant you see im trapped under here . For heavens sake, cant you see hes trapped under there . audience laughs please, son, get started take this thing off tommy, go ahead and get started. Not until he closes his eyes. Why should i close my eyes . I dont like anybody lookin if i make a little mistake, youll go blabbin around to everybody. audience laughs if you make a mistake, i wont tell anybody, believe me. audience laughs not even the guy who picks up my lips. audience laughs okay, in that case you can watch. Well, thank you. Now first, weve gotta locate the exact area of the mechanism. Yeah, i heard him. Alright, tommy, you get lookin on that end. Ill look on this end. ticking getting louder. Its getting louder now it sounds hollow. audience laughs tommy shhh, its talkin to me. Tommy hey the bombs talkin to me it even knows my name, it said tommy a bomb before. audience laughs i knew a board once. audience laughs will ya, fellas, please now, lets get this cover off. ticking look at this clock what a beautiful mechanism thats an, that, that, thats an xk41. Thats a swiss movement. Its german movement, xk41, its a german loudly its a swiss it is not yelling who cares audience laughs stop talking and work its always the fellas who are just lyin around there that keep rushin ya. audience laughs well, why wouldnt i rush you . I dont even think you fellas know what youre doing we do too i just defused a bomb a little while ago, right over there bomb explodes girl in audience screams audience laughs audience laughs tommy, i thought you said you defused that bomb. I did what i always do. I detached the white wire from the blue wire. Its supposed to be the green wire from the blue wire. I, i thought it was the white wire. audience laughs no, no, its always been the green wire from the blue wire. Well, just a little mistake. If you were perfect, and if you were perfect, and i was perfect, what kind of world would this be . This would be some world, believe me. Look, if i want philosophy, i can listen to bertrand russell. audience laughs or jack parr. audience laughs now get back to work, will ya . ticking well, according to this clock, weve got about two minutes before the bomb goes off, so we better hurry. Yeah, ill get behind this cogwheel here, hey, tommy, i just noticed something. You know who this is . No, who . Jack benny you mean the guy thats been playing at the palladium . Yeah, jack benny are you really . audience laughs yes, yes, im jack benny hey, nice to meet you. Dont get up. audience laughs nto show business, mr. Benny, and wed sure like to do a number for ya. But theres no time you said yourself theres only two minutes left on the bomb great okay, lets do that special song weve been working on. Yes, that, that, thats a weve only got two minutes thats alright, the song takes a minute. audience laughs this is kind of a funny number. If you feel like laughin, go right ahead. audience laughs lookit, boys. What tempo . jimmy cracked corn . Jimmy cracked corn and i dont care . Jimmy cracked corn and. . I dont care, i dont care . Thats not the way it goes. I dont care. audience laughs howd you like that one . Fine, fine how bout an encore . Never mind the encore weve only got a few seconds left he didnt get it, lets do it again. audience laughs . Jimmy cracked corn and i dont care fellas, fellas . Jimmy cracked corn and fellas, fellas, fellas explosion audience yells in surprise fellas, fellas, im sorry. If i told my producer once, i told him a thousand times, when we do a sketch, dont use a real bomb. applause hey, dickie, you know that i can just see it in tomorrows headlines in the papers bennys bomb smothers brothers. laughs audience laughs yeah. applause [voiceover] jack will be back in just a minute thanks, boys, thanks very much for being on the show. Yeah, you know, you know, this is one of the dirtiest shows ive ever been on. audience laughs applause love in bloom [voiceover] from hollywood, the Jack Benny Program relaxed music thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. You know, im quite excited tonight, because i just found out that our program and naturally in these Foreign Countries we have different sponsors than we have here. Like, for instance, in mexico our show is sponsored by a company that makes a tamale cooked in wine sauce. canned laughter its called the jolly tamale. canned laughter that manufactures a harikari pocket knife. canned laughter since ive been on they cant make them fast enough canned laughter sort of gets you right here, you know . Then lets see where else. I mean its not a powder or a cream or a spray. You just pull out the pin, count three, and throw it. canned laughter now, you see jack, jack, hold it, please. What . On the air, youll cut your monologue right here. Why . Why do you always have to cut my jokes while were rehearsing right now . I mean, why dont you cut Something Else . If i had a harikari knife, i would. Alright, everybody, take five five minutes . Well, look, as long as this is a rehearsal, why dont we just go through the show . Because were supposed to rehearse dennis days number next, and hes not here. Oh, for heavens sake. Here am i, its my show, im always on time, and i cant find dennis. Hes always late mr. Benny, mr. Benny yes . Im a new stage hand here, and ive been an admirer of yours for years and years, and i thought lad to. Write to me personally to you, ok. I say, whats your name . Herman, herman e. Verdexiphlusjk. canned laughter herman what, what was that last name . Verdexiphlusjk. canned laughter herman e. Verdexiflux. . Verdexiphlusjk. I see, i see. You spell that . Verdexiphlusjk. canned laughter . Verdexiphlusjk. Verdexiphlusjk, i see. Thats a strange bunch of letters there. Howd you ever get a name like that . My father used to make eye charts. Its easier if you cover one eye. canned laughter here, try. Verdexiphlusjk, i got it. Did i spell it right . Yeah, uh, most of that. Ned laughter thank you very much oh, ive been a great admirer of yours for years and years, big fan. Thanks, thanks, thats very, very nice. applause well ive seen everything now. Don, will you finish the sandwich so we can get going with our rehearsal . Weve got a big show coming on well jack, if this is such a big show, i saw him the other night, and were very fortunate that weve got him. Where did you find him . Ill tell you where i found him. You know, the other night i was working very, very late in my office, you see, and uh. Mmhmm. Want a bite . Yes, thank you. And i worked late, so i was driving home, you know, afterwards, and then just for a little relaxation, you see, as i usually do want some more . No, no thank you. For relaxation i stopped in ben blues night club. cheerful music good evening, mr. Benny, how many tonight . Oh, im alone. Again . canned laughter what do you mean, again . I came in early last night, and i brought a girl with me. Bringing the hat check girl to work doesnt count. canned laughter well never mind, just show me to my table, will you, please . Alright, right down there, second table on the right. When you dont tip, you get nothing. canned laughter oh well, im used to it. Hello, mr. Benny i saw you come in, so i brought you your usual drink. Pineapple . Well, this is a night club, and we dont want anybody to know youre drinking hot chocolate canned laughter would you bring me another marshmallow . Do you think you can handle it . canned laughter just go and get it yes, certainly. trumpet fanfare applause good evening ladies and gentlemen. Its show time at ben blues supper club, manipulator, and mentalist of all time. This man has baffled the nation with his thumbs snapping ok, im ready canned laughter ladies and gentlemen, presenting the worlds greatest magician, shandu lets bring him out here applause humorous big band music sahib ah, its good to have you back again its nice to return to these parts, my good man its so nice to see that smiling face of yours its nice to see your smiling kisser, too. canned laughter laughs shandu, i understand that youve traveled extensively. This i have, no less, i have this, no less, this i have, no less. Youve been i have, no less, regardless of man or beast, this i have, no less, this i have. I know, that youve traveled. This i have. I have this. laughs this i. Would you like to tell the lovely ladies and gentlemen where youve been . No. laughter laughs ladies and gentlemen, shandu will now answer any question on any subject. Biology, astrology, Nuclear Fission where youre from, your next governor, anything your pricier admission allows just anything at all are you ready . Im always ready. Youre always ready. Oh, shandu, i have a young lady oh, send her up. No, no no, shandu, quickly, i want you to tell me this young ladys name. The ladys name is starting to come to me. Her name is uh, let me see now, her name is cosgrove . Joe cosgrove . False. Jill cosgrove . No. Frank cosgrove . No. Dexter cosgrove, mordecai cosgrove, Cindy Cosgrove . Just a moment. Its not cosgrove. Think of that, is that so . Its a girls name, a simple name, like helen or mary oh, helen no. Mary . No. laughter try Francis Francis no what are you trying this for . Look, its very simple, ill give you a little hint. Shes sitting there with her husband excess baggage . laughter something to do with a train oh, i see, her name is small trunk . No. Caboose. False. Hot rod. No. Observation platform. Incorrect something to do with a train. No, no, youre not concentrating choo choo, whoo whoo shandu, look, its very simple really . Something to do with a train, right . Upper and lower gums . laughter upper ber, lower ber her name is berberber . Bbber her name is beer baher. No, berberber or baher . No, ber ber ber ber her name is ramukaboo. A ber ber ber bigabagaboobee. Im getting a headache with this. laughter her name is ra why did you pick her . laughs shandu, youre not getting it, its very simple look, be her name is bertha claps right, there you are humorous big band music applause ladies and gentlemen, tonight id like to do something for you i think is very strange and mystifying. This trick here, ladies and gentlemen, i think youll be sure that i do not use any of my own help, so i will ask for volunteers from the audience. Anybody, anybody please step up on the stage here. That elderly gentleman right there drinking the hot chocolate. canned laughter how did he know . canned laughter right this way, sir. I dont need any help just watch my drink. Yes. Do you think you can make it . Thank you, how do you do, sir . How do you do. What is your name . Benny, jack benny. Oh, i see. Have you ever seen me before . No, no i havent. Have you ever heard of me . No, no. That makes us even. We have right here a bag, and this is known as the laundry bag. Now ill get into the bag, when i say ready i jump out, and would you mind examining it, please, here . Hes examining the bag. Well, it seems like just a laundry bag. An ordinary laundry bag, ladies and gentlemen heres a gun, now when i say shoot, you just fire away. Now dont shoot till i say ready, please. Now wait a minute this is no trick, youre not fooling anybody, watch this. Hey, come here will you, bring that out here. Watch this. gun shot canned laughter gee. Now when i say ready, please, go right ahead. Ready ready you had too many marshmallows. canned laughter indistinct please, would you mind shooting that thing . Are you ready, shandu . Im ready gun shots trumpet fanfare applause applause im sorry im late, mr. Benny, but look, ive got a note from my mother. canned laughter a note from her mother, huh . What am i, a School Teacher or something . canned laughter it says, please excuse my son dennis for being late, but this morning we had to rush him to the hospital and have his appendix taken out. This is a very, very funny letter yeah, it sure is then why arent you laughing . Itll break the stitches. canned laughter now cut that out thats what they did canned laughter dennis, i want to ask you something. If you had your appendix taken out this morning, but dont ask me to dance. canned laughter dennis laughs ooh, the stitches moans now stop that silly talk jack, jack what . Shandu just arrived, hes in his dressing room. The magician . Yes. Oh, is he here . Yes, and he asked me to give you his card. Oh, wonderful canned laughter im busy. canned laughter claps hands liquid pouring canned laughter and applause canned laughter beer hey, thats a very, very good trick can i put it in your show . No, no, no, listen, the only thing i want in my show, i just want that laundry bag trick, thats all. Oh, thats easy, jack, you could do it yourself, its bullet proof what . Bullet proof. You mean that a bullet cant go through this material . I thought it was just an ordinary laundry bag my goodness, im amazed, i was surprised when you jumped out of it alive jack, nobody can jump out of a bag like i do. Thats the exciting part of the trick i get in, i say ready, gun shots, i jump out, voila no, we must do it, we must do it on our show, its just wonderful i have one more trick. No, no, i just want this trick. Just a second. No, no, i dont want any other tricks this is easy, i hang by my teeth, i pick up i know, but i dont it, i just want this one. But look, ben, i let me show it to you, jack let me show it to you alright, alright, just once move there i dont know, but i dont want this just go ahead, go on but ben, i dont want it [voice outside] jack, jack, youd better get dressed, were on the air soon what . snap, thwack canned laughter ok, ill take it out. Im sorry, but lookit, ben, youd better be ready. Now dont forget, be ready as soon as you can, shandu, ok, fine. Ill practice jumping in the bag and jumping out, too thwack thump canned laughter you know, ladies and gentlemen, i would like to tell you many more jokes, but im very, very anxious for you to see one of the greatest tricks that has ever been known, any jack, jack, jack can i see you a minute . Excuse me, just a minute what is it, don . Jack, ive looked all over for shandu, and i cant find him anywhere but shandu, i just left him in the dressing room hes not there oh, for heavens sake. Well don, you entertain the audience, and ill go out and look for him. Alright, alright, hurry up. Ladies and gentlemen, while jack is gone. canned laughter shandu . Shandu oh, for heavens sake, whered he go when i need him. Mr. Benny, mr. Benny, don is running out of fat jokes. Youd better get back out on the stage. But what good will that do . This is where i told the audience we were going to have shandu out there with that wonderful trick, and hes disappeared oh my gosh, what are we going to do . You told the audience we were going to show them a great trick i dont know what im going to do, i could do it myself well its a cinch. Dennis, you go out and tell don wilson to introduce shandu. Oh, but mr. Benny dont worry about it, ill take care of it he told me i could do it, dont worry about it go on. Hurry up, tell don to introduce shandu. door slams oh, brother, what you have to go through to put on a television show. Oh, i dont know, maybe this will calm me down a little bit. liquid pouring with the featured part of the show. As mr. Benny promised, you are about to see the most fantastic magician in the world, the one and only shandu ic canned laughter i am shandu the magician. I will now do the most mystifying trick ever brought to you from the orient. But first i will need my assistant humorous big band music alright, thats enough canned laughter now, my assistant will get into this plain, ordinary laundry bag, and while hes in there i will fire four, or six bullets, right into the come back here shoot six bullets through me, ill get killed dennis, this isnt an ordinary laundry bag, this is bullet proof dont worry, now get in oh no, not me. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, i will get into the bag, and my assistant will shoot six bullets into me i sure hope my mother is watching slap canned laughter i will get into the bag, and when i say fire, fire. canned laughter well go ahead, you stupid kid when i say ready, fire ready gun shot i missed the bag. canned laughter oh, for heavens sake, now we have to do it over again for heavens sake, aim right at me, will you . Aim steady ok, now when i say ready, fire. Ready gun shots applause mr. Benny, did you say that laundry bag was bullet proof . Yes. Well take a look in the bag, there are four bullet holes in it canned laughter goodness theres four bullets gee, mr. Benny, your wallet saved your life you could have been killed i know. See, i had 500 dollars in there. canned laughter dennis, look at it, you ruined my money , you couldnt aim for my head you and your stupid aim, you had to ruin my money. All you had to do was aim for my head, thats all, thats all. Youre the stupidest guy drowned out by applause trumpet fanfare jack will be back with his guest star, applause thank you thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, i hope you all enjoyed the show. And now id like to bring out for a bow my guest star, who played shandu, mr. Ben blue. humorous big band music arn a silly dance like that . Who taught that to you . Well, jack, for your information, i was taught by i think the worlds greatest terpsichorean artist. Oh, nijinksy . No. Arthur murray . No. Try cosgrove. canned laughter cosgrove . No. Anyway, thanks very, very much. Thank you, jack, thank you applause cheerful band music [doorbell rings] dennis ill get it never mind, dennis. Ill get it. Oh, hi, doc. Henry. Hi, dr. Sinclair. Hi, dennis. Jeepers, i hardly knew you without your white stuff on. How are you . Oh, youre fine. I know. Is that it, doc . Mmhmm. Dennis, why dont you go out and play. Have we got some kind of a secret going on around our house . Nothing that concerns you. Well, hello, dr. Sinclair. Nice to see you. Hello, alice. Honey, doc has the plaque