Because i called everybody in here for a meeting. Now, give me my makeup remover, will you please . Okay. Thank you. There you are. Thank you. I thought everything went very well tonight, didnt you . everyone chattering maybe hes gonna give us a raise. You dreamer, you. Well they tell me, you should think positive. Whats this meetings for . You know as much as i do. [jack] alright, is everybody here . Alright jack, now whats this meeting all about . Well, ill tell you. I love you kids. I want you to take what im going to say in the spirit in which its given. And remember, im not angry, im not upset. But, i did feel it was important to call this meeting. Alright jack, whats it all about . Yeah, lets get this over with. Now, as ive said before. Im not angry. Dennis, youre not even paying attention. Now get away from that fish bowl. Now kids mr. Benny, the last time i looked in this bowl, there were only two goldfish. I know, i know. Now kids how come there are three of them now . Because the first two fell in love and got married. Well, if they just got married, why did they take in a boarder . The little one is the baby. Oh yeah and the one on right is the mother. No, the one on the right is the father. Couldve fooled me. Dennis, didnt your parents ever tell you anything about life . Just the birds and bees, not fish. Dennis, will you do me a favor and please yeah, whats on your mind, jack . Alright, alright ill tell you. Now look, kids. Weve got a very important show on a very big network. We have millions and millions of viewers. And frankly, tonights show was the sloppiest ive ever seen. Alright, so there were a few mistakes. Is that a reason for you to get mad . I told you im not mad kids, when we do a show like that, thing went fine. Weve got to try and improve it. If we dont improve the show then mr. Benny. What . Are you sure the one on the left is the mother . Yes, the one on the left is the mother. The one on the right is prettier. The father is prettier than the mother. Alright . Look, jack. What did we do wrong on the show tonight . [wayne] yeah jack, be more specific. Alright wayne, i will be. Now youre the spokesman for the orchestra, arent you . Right. Well let me tell you something. Ive heard the boys play bad before, but tonight badly. Ive heard the boys play badly before, but tonight was positively the worst. Well jack, i admit that tonight they werent too good. A reason, like what . Well last night they were at a big party. And one drink led to another, and by the time it was through, they were really limber. Well if they were in such bad shape, how did they get home . Well you know that white line down the middle of the street . You mean they followed it . Followed it . They were holding on to it. Well all i can say is, you better do something about that orchestra. Not only you and the orchestra. Don, you did something tonight that i cant understand at all. I mean so many dennis making playful noises get your fingers out of that bowl. And anyway, you were tickling the father. Now, kids we were all careless tonight. Even you, jeanette. You gave don wilson the wrong cue when to come in during the sketch. What about that time you left an entire page of dialogue out of the script. Look, that happened four weeks ago. I admitted i was guilty. You sentenced me to three days of hard labor. I painted your house, now lets forget it. We wont forget it until you finish the windowsill. And anyway, i dont like the way youre timing the show lately. Now jack. Jack she doesnt time the show. Like that. Yeah, the one on the right is the mother you stay out of it the point you kids seem to be missing is that when we do something wrong on the show, we must try to improve it. Alright jack, if were gonna try to improve the show, i gotta tell you something. You did something tonight that was very annoying. What did i do . Just that. That. You scratch yourself like that through the whole show. Scratch myself . I did not. Hello, joe . Listen joe, playback part of the tape of tonights show, will ya . And play it through the set in jacks dressing room. Yeah, thanks. Okay jack, you just watch this. Youll see what i mean. You watch it. And talking about men in uniform. I must say that the experiences ill never forget because sometimes we had to travel all through the night. And on a few occasions we were even in physical danger. But to see the expression on the faces of these young fellas. The look of appreciation in their eyes. It made everything worthwhile. And i know exactly how those young fellas felt. Gee, i didnt know i was doing that. I was on the navy. Which reminds me of a um on the navy. On the navy . Jack how could you make a stupid mistake like that . who says on the navy . Yeah, what do you have to say now . All ive gotta say is that was not a mistake. What . i said that was not a mistake. Oh come on, jack. We all heard you very distinctly. You said, on the navy. And the reason i said it, because its correct. Therefore, i was on the navy. Now shut up, and the meetings adjourned. angry chatter dont you worry, mr. Benny. From now on, were gonna do our best. You didnt hear one word i said. I did too. You said the one on the right is the father. If it was the bees, i could be sure. What a crazy kid. Oh, rochester [rochester] yes, boss . Get my stuff together, will ya . So we can go home. And this itching is awful. I wonder whats causing it. How have you been washing my pajamas lately . Same as usual. I take them out to the Swimming Pool and beat them on a rock. Well, you mean the washing machine is still broken . Yes. Well, have you been using some kind of new starch in my shirts . I dont use any starch, boss. Well then, how do you get em so stiff . After i wash em, i put em in the freezer. Well there must be something causing this rash. Ive never had a rash like this before. Yes you did, boss. When . You remember the time you lost that tendollar bill in the backyard . Oh yeah. I did scratch a lot, didnt i . Scratch . You dug a hole 20 feet deep. Yes, and some bones you sold to the los angeles museum. Oh, yes. But gee, ive got to do something about this rash. Look at it, rochester. Boy, that looks bad. Maybe youve got an allergy. Why dont you call the doctor . Oh, rochester. Thats a good idea. Here, get me the phone book, will ya . Ill look up an allergy doctor. You cant speak to the doctor. No, he has a patient in with him now. Well, ill arrange an appointment some time next week. No, im sorry. Hes busy right now. Ill be with you in just a minute. Im sorry. Its alright. Im jack benny. I have an appointment with dr. Whitney. Certainly, ill just check. The doctors running a little late, will you just sit down, please . Hell take you right after he sees those gentlemen over there. Hello mr. Jordan. I have sneeze an appointment to see dr. Whitney. Yes, i know. How have you been feeling lately . Oh much, much sneeze much better. Sit down, hell see you as soon as he can. Thank youthank you sneeze thank you. Thank you. You three may go in now. Oh miss. Those three fellas that just went in, do they come here often . Oh yes, theyve been coming in here regularly for the last two years. Well, the way theyre scratching and everything. Well, next week he has them booked on the ed sullivan show. Miss, ill pick them up for you. Mr. Benny, the doctor will see you now. Im dr. Whitney, wont you sit over here, sir . Yes, yes. Thank you. Now then mr. Benny, what seems to be your trouble . Well, ive had a sort of an irritation here on my arms. In matter of fact, in both arms here. And its been bothering me for weeks. Well, lets have a look at it, shall we . Okay. Most annoying, this thing here. Ill show you in just a second. Yes, yes. That does look a little nasty. Theres an obvious subcutaneous jargon . I thought it was just a rash. It is. But for heavens sakes why didnt you say so . This thing has really been annoying me. Id like to find out the cause of it. Well, is there any other area that used to be bothering you . No, just the arm. Mmhmm. Have you ever had hives . Ask me that again, will you doc . I said, have you ever had hives . Yes, i got rid of them when the price of honey went down. No. Whenever a comedian comes in, i always ask that first to get that nonsense out of the way. Oh. And incidentally, bob hopes answer now then, a rash of this kind can be caused by a great many things. Dust, food, feathers. Im afraid it would be rather difficult to pin down without giving you a series of allergy tests. Well these allergy tests, how do you do those . Well, i take different substances you might be allergic to, and inject them under your skin with some needles. Needles . I mean, you have to use needles . Oh it wont hurt much. No, not you. Itll hurt me. Are you afraid of needles . Afraid of ted once when a tailor sewed a button on my sleeve. No, no, no. I dont want any needles. Mr. Benny, mr. Benny. I think youre being rather foolish. But if you insist, theres a dr. Granger down the hall, who uses a different method. I dont know too much about it, but i know he doesnt use needles. Well then thats the guy for me. sneezing oh, that was me. Come in. Yes . Dr. Granger . Yes. Oh doctor, dr. Whitney sent me in here to see you. Because i need some allergy tests. And he told me that you dont use needles. I think theyre barbaric. Oh well, good. Good. Well now, where is your trouble exactly . Well, i have irritation. I keep scratching my arms all the time, theyre driving me crazy. Slip off your coat then, and well get down to your trouble. Now just roll up your sleeves and sit over here. And make yourself comfy, and ill be right with you. Alright, now here. Let me show you that. Right here, see that . Oh you are a mess. I assure you i cant stand needles either. I get woozy when i play my phonograph. Oh, this rash could have been caused by any number of different things. Lets see how you react to certain foods. Theyre a very big offender. Oh i know. I know. Strawberries. Dark tomatoes. Doctor, what are you doing here anyway . Are you crazy . What is this . Yes, but with no needles. This is no way to find out. I dont see any reaction so far. Would you like me to get you a towel . Or would you like to lick it off . Wipe it off wipe it off ive never had so much how could you tell so soon . Yes, some people are very allergic to shellfish. Shellfish . Well i dont want you to try anything get off me get it its alive itd better be, i had it flown in from maine. Put it away i dont want that. Youre the strangest doctor ive ever seen arguing and squabbling oh apparently, it isnt house dust. Well check you for wool. I know it isnt wool hello, baby. I know it might be caused by hay hay . now when will i be around hay . doctor what do you know it isnt hay. I know, it might be cause by coal dust. Coal dust . listen, doctor. I know, they always come back. Alright, mr. Benny. Well find out what your trouble is. Nurse, prepare the needles. Yes, doctor. Jack, did the doctor ever find out what caused that rash you had last week . No, he actually didnt. He took hundreds of tests and nothing seemed to irritate me. But its all cleared up now. Look, look at that. Just in one week, my skin is as smooth as a baby. You never found out what it was, huh . No, but as long as its gone, who cares. Benny. Yes . Do you mind if i ask you something . Before we go on, i was wondering if i could only go out on stage and then start wait a minute, the rash. The rash came back. Dennis. Its you. Youre the one whos been giving me rash. Get away from me. But the show started. I dont care, im not gonna do a show. theme song music [voiceover] the Jack Benny Program applause thank you, thank you very much ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the show. The first thing they say is, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio. Well, it seems that nothing funny ever happens to me on the way to the studio. On the way home, yes. audience laughs and then theres nobody to tell it to, except rochester. audience laughs so, with 30 million viewers, im nothing. But with my butler, im a sensation. Oh, well. Ladies and gentlemen, a few days ago, during a meeting in my office, we got to talking about the days of radio, how different it was from television. You see, in radio, we rely heavily on imagination. With just a few words, we could create a whole. A whole picture. You know, a picture in your mind. For example, id like to play for you, a recording of an actual scene that i heard don, would you bring out that phonograph, please . applause there you are, jack. Thank you. Now, this is a recording of a Radio Program i heard just a few weeks ago, its a love scene. [woman] john, how could you do this to me . [john] cynthia, what is it . Ou, devouring you, with her eyes. [john] darling, why would i look at another woman when ive got you . Your hair, your eyes, youre so beautiful. [cynthia] oh, i guess i have been foolish. It isnt your fault youre so tall, so handsome, and so attractive to women. E two people who actually did that scene on the radio. Liz lamont and rick barton. audience laughs applause audience laughs e two when you heard these words here . [cynthia] john, how could you do this to me . audience laughs [john] cynthia, what is it . [cynthia] i saw what happened last night at the party. The way ellen kept staring at you, devouring you, with her eyes. audience laughs [john] darling, why would i look at another woman when ive got you . Your hair, your eyes, youre so beautiful. You know, radio really covers up a lot, doesnt it . Now, look, i want you to do me a favor. Oh, don, would you please bring out that microphone and two scripts . Them each. Their scripts, thats right. Now, do that scene again, just the way you did it on radio. John, how could you do this to me . I saw what happened last night at the party. The way ellen kept staring at you, devouring you with her eyes. Darling, why would i look at another woman when ive got you . Your hair, your eyes, youre so beautiful. audience laughs you know, radio really fools you more than you thought. Now, thank you very much, you may go now. audience laughs applause you know, ladies and gentlemen, another thing about the difference between radio and television, there was one thing i liked about radio that applause dennis, what are you doing out here . You werent supposed to come on until later well, you see, im a member of the elks, and every year our lodge votes for the outstanding comedian of the year, and since i nominated you, they felt that i should have the privilege of telling you well, naturally, you should be the one to tell me. You lost. audience laughs what . dont feel bad, it wasnt even close. audience laughs dennis. You got one vote. audience laughs me, i voted for captain kangaroo audience laughs now, dennis, youre making this whole thing up now, you say i got one vote, then alright, which one of the elks voted for me . The one with the antlers. audience laughs well, a fan is a fan, i guess. Now, look, dennis, instead of continuing with this . lyrics in this world of ordinary people, . Extraordinary people, . Im glad there is you, . In this world of overrated pleasures, . Im glad there is you, . Ill live to love, . Ill love to live with you beside me, . This role so new, . And hardly any stay in love, . Im glad there is you, . More than ever, . Im glad there is you. . That was wonderful, dennis. Now, thats the highest anybodys been on this show since phil harris. audience laughs now, where was i . Oh, yes, i was talking about radio. And you know, i started to say that the one thing i like about doing radio, and that means, of course, that you could save a fortune. audience laughs and the most versatile actor that ive ever had associated with me was mel blanc. Mel, come on out now, mel, how many voices did you actually do for me on radio . Gosh, jack, i cant remember, i never did count them all. Ow, you played my french violin teacher. Oui, monsieur benny. audience laughs and then that mexican fella. Si. What was his name again . Sy. audience laughs sy . Si. audience laughs now, you also did my train announcer. Remember that train announcer on the radio . The train announcer. nasally train leaving on track five for anaheim, azusa, and cucamonga. audience laughs applause now, lets see, what else . Oh, yes, my parrot. bird noises parrotlike benny the cheapskate, benny the cheapskate. bird noises youre gonna have to control that last thing. Now, lets see, how many of you remember my old maxwell . Well, that was mel. Now, mel, how about doing the maxwell. You know, how youre getting the car started and everything. Okay, jack. car noises audience laughs now, of all the things you did for me, what was the most difficult . Voting for you at the elks club. audience laughs applause id fire him, but i cant get along without him. Now, while were reminiscing about radio. Remember those great mystery shows they used to have . And you could turn down the lights, and listen to those eerie programs. Oh, don, don, would you bring out that phonograph again, please . What did you say, jack . I said would you bring out that phonograph again. Look, for your information, im not a stage hand. audience laughs youre not . No, im not im hired as the announcer on this show, and thats all im obligated to do but don ate farm is the largest Auto Insurance company in the world and im here to remind them that you dont give up a thing to get state farms low rate. State farm has over 9,000 agents all over the country ready to give you Hometown Service wherever you drive alright, don. Alright, youre an announcer im not only the announcer, i can also sing if i want to sing . Yes. harmonica tune . lyrics think of saving, . Ten dollars, twenty dollars, thirty or more . On Car Insurance areful drivers, . Think state, harmonica tune . Farm, harmonica tune . Insurance . harmonica music applause thats all im trying to do. Don, are you through . Yes, yes i am. Good, then now will you go out and bring in the phonograph . Jack, ill be very happy to do it now audience laughs youre welcome, jack. Ladies and gentlemen, as i mentioned before, there were many, many mysteries on radio. But see if you remember this one. Put it on. mysterious whistling music now, this was my favorite. Oh, i remember that one. You do . Yeah, and i remember what he said too. I walk by night. I know many strange things hidden in the minds of men and women everywhere. I know the nameless terrors of which they dare not speak. It was one of my favorite programs too, jack. Im glad, because tonight, ladies and gentlemen, for our sketch, were going to do our impression of the whistler. Really . Oh, you didnt know. Feature attraction tonight, the jack benny players bring you that spinetingling, suspensepacked thriller entitled. adventurous music mysterious music audience laughs violin music i am the fiddler. I play by night. I influence the lives of innocent people. I once gave the wrong group fewer cavities. audience laughs laughing menacingly audience laughs lets take a house at random. Lets take that house, right there. laughing menacingly audience laughs thats the home of mr. And mrs. Park. Gwendelyn and griffith. audience laughs theyre very beautiful. And theyre happy. But not for long. laughs menacingly for i, am the fiddler gwendelyn, dear, this dinner is delicious thank you, griffith. Oh, by the way, dear, where are the children . Darling, we have no children. audience laughs then who is it that brings in my slippers every night . Thats rover, our cockerspaniel. audience laughs audience laughs the reason mr. Park is named griffith is because his head is like a golf course. It has 18 holes in it. audience laughs in fact, when he walks down the street on a windy day without his hat on, he sounds like a calliope. audience laughs griffith, i have a surprise for you. Yeah . Erful audience laughs he may be happy now, but it wont be long laughs ill fix that for i am the fiddler violin music audience laughs dear, what happened . This milk just turned sour . Oh, no, no, thats alright, dear. Tell me, when is your dear mother coming . Tomorrow. Oh, im glad you told me. Now, i can buy her a present i wonder what i could give her . Why dont you give her a kick in the teeth . No, gwendelyn, your father gave her that last year. What did you say, dear . I just answered your question. But i didnt say anything. You didnt . No. I thought you did. You see, i have them confused already laughing menacingly i hate to leave you alone at night, gwendelyn, but ive got to get down to the office, theres so much work to be done. I understand. Its pretty chilly out, i think maybe id better wear something on my head. What do you want, your hat or your corks . audience laughs im going to wear my hat. gwendelyn humming [gwendelyn] goodbye, dear there goes calliope head to the office. Leaving his wife, gwendelyn, all alone. laughing menacingly violin music audience laughs violin music laughs i am the fiddler. I know many strange things. While griffith is at the office, what is his lonesome little wife doing . audience laughs the knock was gentle, but the scenery is lousy. audience laughs hello, derek. Oh, darling, you look so debonair in your sportscar outfit. Thank you, and im so proud. Because my sports car is built so close to the road. But i must have my car checked. On the way over here, tonight, i think the brakes were on. audience laughs well, youre here, and thats all that matters. Kiss me thats what happens every time calliope head goes to the office. Plan a murder oh, darling, we could be so happy together if it werent for my husband. Thats it, thats it, get rid of him i just got an idea so did i both lets kill griffith audience laughs it must be love, we said it together thats right, thats right, get rid of griffith kill him did you Say Something . We could take griffith down to the Union Station and throw him beneath the wheels of a moving train with all those crowds, everyone would see us. So, what . Theyd think it was a candid camera stunt. audience laughs heres what you do, tomorrow, when you go down to the station to meet your mother my mother oh what a time to pick havent you any feelings . audience laughs feelings . i just thought of a wonderful way of getting rid of griffith. Oh . When he comes home, you hide in the closet, and when he goes to hang up his hat, you strangle him, well, that way well get rid of him and no one will ever know laughing nobody, but me. Cause i am the fiddler violin music audience laughs darn, this wind it always comes up this time of night wait a minute, theres someone coming. Well, its old calliope head. audience laughs gosh, i cant wait to get back to my loving wife, gwendelyn. I feel so sorry for her. While i was at the office, she was at home, all alone. Are you sure she was alone . Yeah, about twice a week, my best friend, derek stops by the house, but thats only to. What am i doing, talking to myself out here on the street . A lot of men talk to themselves when their wives are in love with someone else. Shes not in love with someone else shes in love with me todays our anniversary see . I bought her a present. Dont be such a shnook get in there youll find them together. Because i have planted the seeds of suspicion, hate, and murder. Then with those holes in his head, i couldve planted geraniums audience laughs oh, thats griffith quick, derek, hide in the closet and when he hangs up his hat, strangle him jolly good audience laughs darling youre home early step aside, woman aha, look footprints on the carpet big footprints eight by size 12 shoes. Why didnt you tell me . Your mother is here her mother isnt here, you fool those are dereks foot steps ask her about her lover, go on, ask her about her lover hows your liver . Her lover ask her about her lover. Is joe here . Joe was yesterday. Today its derek. Now, go ahead, over to that closet, go over to that closet. Open the door. Go in and hang up your hat. screaming took care of him when i get mad, im a tiger audience laughs applause wife with two other men. Let her have it alright. Here you are, darling. Your anniversary present. audience laughs thank you for the anniversary present. Lets celebrate yeah, lets dance. Oh, but we dont have any music. Excuse me a minute. audience laughs would you like to hire somebody for the music . Oh, yes oh, well i can take care of that. Sit right over here. Right there. Now. Aone, atwo calliope music audience laughs violin music thats wonderful, real nice applause thank you, thank you very much, i hope you all enjoyed the show. You know, i always did love that theme, though. violin music audience laughs what did you do that for . Because i, am a musician applause the Jack Benny Program theme song dennis. Dennis. Hello, margaret. Hello, mrs. Mitchell. Is dennis home . Well, he must be over at tommys. They were out here playing a minute ago