I appreciate it. Come on. Look, i know your type. But are you going to write me when you go home . Wow. What a crowd. This is burbank. A pit stop on the way to irwindale. [ laughter ] you folks must be expecting what is it . Champagne dreams and caviar wishes. How are you, doctor . Very well. What a nice audience. [ applause ] like a breath of fresh air. And we could use some fresh air in los angeles. [ laughter ] yesterday, they started spraying los angeles malathion. And it actually improved the air quality in los angeles. [ laughter ] did you read the newspaper, today . La, according to the paper, has the highest ozone level of any city in the country. It was in the paper. People in los angeles didnt know it, because they cant see the newspaper to read it. [ laughter ] now, theres bad news and good news about the smog. The bad news, of course, is the smog hurts your lungs. It makes it hard for the pit bulls to see you. [ laughter, applause ] now, i mentioned last night, and apparently, it caused a little bit of a panic. Later on, i will explain. I saidsaid the papers that malathion would take the paint right off of your car. But was not dangerous to humans. [ laughter ] maybe this whole spraying business is for earl schieb. I dont know. But you know what theyre doing monday, in los angeles . Theyre releasing 50 million sterile male med flies. The idea is they will breed each other out of existence. Not a bad way to go. [ laughter ] actually, only 40 million are sterile. The rest have little, teeny condoms [ laughter, applause ] and a pamphlet from dr. Ruth. [ laughter ] can you believe that . Sterile med flies. You can tell, actually, if you have a sterile med fly in your fruit tree, because you hear a little female voice saying, its me, isnt it . Im just not attractive. [ laughter ] and, in a similar were released into the gary hart campaign, to try to stop that. [ laughter, applause ] anyway, what else is going on . The pope arrives when . In los angeles next month . Yeah, youre probably having a private dinner with the pope. Fred had a private dinner with president reagan the other night. It was just a lunch. Oh, excuse me. Its kind of dfi the present day pope, because he knew peter. [ laughter ] guess who wants to leave the country . Did you read this in the paper . Jimmy the weasel frantianno. That was the guy who copped out about 30 of the mobsters and sent them to prison in the 70s. The government called off his Protection Service and he says hes got to get out of the country. Jimmy, if youre watching, with the freeways and the med flies and guys behind news desks, it aint too safe for any of us, here. [ laughter ] peter holm is writing his autobiography. It was announced today it was going to be ghost written. That means that somebody else writes it for him, and when he gets his copy, its going to be ghost read to him. [ laughter ] well, what else is happening . Do you know about Valerie Harper . Apparently, she went off her show, or got fired, or something, because of a salary dispute. Her fans, apparently, are trying to get her back on the show. Some Radio Station in florida has a petition, and the leader of the club is trying to get one and a half million signatures to get valerie back on the air. I think thats aiming a little high, dont you . A million and a half signatures you could bring William Casey back from the dead. Did you read about heavyweight boxer mitch green . Does that name ring a bell . A heavyweight boxer by the name of mitch green was arrested. Do you know why . He was driving with a Television Set on his dashboard. [ laughter ] damn it, i knew that if you put on quality programs like mr. Belvedere, this was going to happen. [ laughter, applause ] but this is not the t a celebrity was stopped because of Something Weird going on in his car. Years ago, 1966, senor wences remember senor wences . Was arrested for putting lipstick on his fist and driving it across the state line. Most people dont know that, to this day. Anyway, tonight is with us tonight. [ applause ] a very funny young comedian, tom parks is here. [ applause ] i dont know what the official name of this lady would be. She is a nose flutist. She plays a flute extremely well with her nose. I guess it would be the technical term for that . Ridiculous. [ laughter, applause ] abby jay. Shes here, too, so stay where you are. [ applause ] okay, were back. Friday night crowd. Beautiful. Thank you. You look really sharp, tonight. [ applause ] thank you. I just threw this old rag on, from my closet. Now, first of all, ive got something to clear up. I did a joke last night on the show about spraying for med flies. We have a med fly problem, i guess. 36 med flies theyve discovered. And theyre spraying 22 square miles in los angeles, and according to the paper, theyre spraying with malathion, which is toxic, and they suggested well, you begin to wonder, right . Anyway, i got a call today from jara currey, from the California Department of food and agriculture. Apparently, that joke last night started to panic people. And she says dont panic, folks. It is the protein that carries the poison that spots the car. It doesnt strip the paint off. In other words, it apparently leaves little spots on the car. It does not strip the paint. So, in other words, its safe, i guess, on humans. Wouldnt it spot humans, too . [ laughter ] anyway, its not a dangerous thing, so if you happen to be out and you see a plane come over, dropping malathion, just stand there and enjoy it. But we did not mean to panic people. Anyway, the air is so bad out here today, 15 of the flies turned themselves in. [ laughter, applause ] i guess theyre i guess if you get a med fly infestation, it devours the citrus crop in california, and it only takes a few of them to get going, because theyre very prolific. I mean, you get one med fly, and apparently, they lay anybody know how many eggs they lay . Billions and billions of eggs. [ laughter ] as carl sagan would say. You probably know about oh, by the way, we have Shelley Winters on the show tonight, comedian tom parks and abby jay, who has a ridiculous act. Shes called, actually, a nose flautist, or is flutist correct . Flautist. Flautist. Alright. Shes going to be with us. Do you know about the los angeles raiders situation . We have a Football Team called the los angeles raiders. Apparently, they may have been lured away from the los angeles coliseum by the city of irwindale, california. Now, irwindale, california is about 25 miles east of los angeles, no. They gave the raiders 10 million up front, as an advance, i guess, against 150 million, to be gotten back in stadium revenues. 150 million. Now, weve been doing this show in burbank since 1972. We got to wondering. Burbanks been nice to us. But look what theyre going to give the raiders. 10 million up front. So, we thought wed just check into it, and so we sent a camera crew down to irwindale, to kind of check it out. I dont know if you know this or not, but irwindale is the gravel capital of southern california, and they plan to build a stadium, i guess, in one of the gravel pits down there. So we took a camera, seeing, maybe its the future home for the tonight show. So watch the monitor. This is actual film, as you will see here. Now, this is the main thoroughfare, you might think this is a barren wasteland, but the locals refer to it as a Maintenance Free forest. [ laughter ] now, there you are right there. That is the gravel pit, and that is apparently where the new stadium is going to go if it comes through. We dont know yet. So, what we did i personally did not go down there, but i did send a very lifelike cardboard impersonation, and we took the desk down, and set it in the middle of the gravel pit, just to see how it would loo there we are. [ laughter, applause ] you could open the show, from the gravel pit of southern california, its the tonight show. Theres johnny. Now, this new stadium seats about, i guess how much . 60,000. 60,000 people. Now, can you imagine a studio audience of 60,000 people . Anyway, we thought we would call the gentleman, and check into this a little further. Now, what did i do with the guys name here . Okay. He is standing by on the phone. Its a legitimate call. His name is xavier hermoseo. And he is irwindales Public Relations consultant. He negotiated, apparently, the raiders deal. Is that a firm deal, already . The 10 million is firm. No refund. No, they keep that, no matter what. [ laughter ] ive had other deals like that, where 10 million has gone, with no refund. [ laughter, applause ] okay, now, he knew we were going to call him. We called him and said would you be in your office . Im going to chat with him. His name is xavier hermoseo, and im just going to dial his number here, directly [ busy signal ] [ laughter ] oh, come on, now. Weve got to be kidding. Hes probably talking to al davis, right now. [ laughter ] maybe i dialed wrong. Oh, we have two numbers here. Ive got a back up number. [ phone dialing ] hes probably negotiating with ted koppel. [ phone dialing ] [ ringing ] there we go. [ ringing ] hello . Id like to speak to mr. Hermoseo, please. Hold on, please. Thank you. He must be on the other line. Weve got to act fast on this. Obviously, hello, this is xavier. Mr. Hermoseo . Yes, sir. How are you . Im fine, how are you . This is Johnny Carson. Im calling from the tonight show. Oh, what a pleasure. Can we hear mr. Hermoseo in the audience all right . Weve got you on the speaker, here, to our tonight show audience. Okay. How are things in irwindale tonight . Rock solid. [ laughter, applause ] thats right. I forgot. Irwindale is a stones throw from another stones throw, is how many gravel pits does irwindale have . Too many. About 17. About 17 . Yes, sir. How did you manage to get al davis to come down to irwindale . Well, we gave him an offer he couldnt refuse. Gave him an offer he couldnt refuse . Now, you advanced him 10 million . 10 million. Biggest check ive ever seen. How many people live in the city of irwindale . 1040. [ laughter ] 1040, and you came up with 10 million . They didnt all chip in, did they . Were the Fastest Growing city in the state of california, in terms of assessed valuation. Oh, i see. So 1040 people, and you gave mr. Davis a 10 million check. Thats correct. Now, if they decide not to move there, what happens . Hes 10 million richer. Thats it . Now, let me ask you this, now. What inducements could you give us to move the tonight show well, thats tough. Let me think, here. Could we use one of the gravel pits . Do you have any studio space . Oh, sure. We have a lot of space. But youre not exactly al davis. [ boos ] well, youre not tom bradley, either. [ laughter, applause ] tell me a little bit about irwindale. Irwindale is about ten square miles. Its 20 miles from los angeles. Its about 28 years old. 28 years old. We have your picture up on the screen now, mr. Hermoseo. Nice of you to do that. Okay. Its a primarily industrial and commercial city and we have been bringing big business to town. A major brewery theres a brewery nearby . [ applause ] how close would that be to the gravel pit . Eight lanes away. Eight lanes away . Just across the freeway. Just across the freeway. Good, okay. Ed, youre in. So, youve got a major brewery there. How about hotel space, for our guests . Pardon me . How about hotel space, when we fly in guests for the tonight show . Where would we put them up . We dont have any hotels. No hotels. Well, thats a problem, right there. Well build some. Youll build a hotel. [ laughter ] no gas station. Well, the people drive there for the Football Game and they run out of gas, whats the situation there . I think well put a gas station in by the time might put a gas station in. So youve got 1088 people. When is this stadium going to start . Well Start Construction of the stadium in november. In november. Now, whats that going to cost . Oh, about 80 million. About 80 million. Now, can i ask you a personal question . How do you raise that money with 1044 people . Through incremental tax increases. [ laughter ] oh, thats a big tax bite. Weve done situations like, we sold the brewery people 227 acres for a dollar. Oh, i see. And they built a 392 million brewery on it. Well, that sounds pretty good. Now, the people of irwindale do they get tickets to the games . Yes. Oh, they do . Absolutely. Everyone in irwindale to all the raiders games . Yes, sir. Thats not a bad deal. Not a bad deal. We also guarantee them an education. Also guaranteed an education. Well, good for you. Its nice talking with you, and maybe we can follow up with a letter, or something, and if you can give us some inducements, well certainly consider coming down there. In case we do come down there, you know, i do jokes about burbank on the tonight show, right . And so, we just wrote up some sample jokes about irwindale, to try out you tell me how these might go. Welcome to irwindale. Home of the ishtar amusement park. Xavier . If this marriage is going to work, and you know all about marriages. He said, if this marriage is gonna work, and you know all about marriages. How about, theyre having a big parade in irwindale, today. Salute to driveways. Thats heavy industrial machinery. [ laughter ] well, xavier, its nice talking with you. I wish you good luck. Thank you very much. I understand you played to rave reviews yesterday. I beg your pardon . I understand you played to rave reviews, yesterday, in the pits. Yeah, we did come down there. We did a little film and went to the signing party. It was a little flat, you know . A little flat. That was a cut out. It wasnt actually me, xavier. No, you see, that wasnt me. That was a cardboard cut out. I was in irwindale, yesterday. Anyway, xavier, its nice talking with you, and good luck. Thank you, sir. [ applause ] were going to move. I dont know. Going to have a tax increase. 1044 people. Okay, well be right back. Shelley winters is here, so stay where you are. Okay, my first guest tonight. Shelley winters has been a frequent guest on the show. She is not only a superb actress, but she is never at a loss for words. Would you welcome miss shelly winters. [ music, applause ] good to see you. And you look nice. Have you ever been to irwindale, california . Irwindale . I think i was married there. No, no. I cant be funny tonight. I have to be distinguished and dignified. Why is that . Well, im doing a film. A serious film. A serious film. Do you remember harold and maude . Sure. Well, its sort of a vicious one harold and maude was a really funny comedy. Its funny, but its called the order in things. So you want to keep a dignified presence tonight . Yes, the producers 27, and she told me to be dignified. Well, you can be dignified if you want to. Can i . Its dull. Well, lets be silly. You did Something Interesting while i was away. What did i do . You married a blonde. Well, it was a rainy day, and i couldnt play tennis. [ laughter ] no, that is just a little humor that is not going to go down well when i get home. [ laughter ] yeah, i did. Do you like it . I mean, married life . I guess so. I mean, yes, yes. [ laughter ] i mean, yes, i do. Shes cute. Yes, she is. Shes lovely. Thank you. Thats very nice. Young, young. Well, yes. Younger than i am. Do you think i could get married again . Of course. Why not . How old . Its different for a man. I hope, hes 22. Grab him. No, thats too young. Well, that might be a little young. Yeah, but hes lovely. His name is anthony nazzorino. And hes going to either play opposite me, or eric roberts. But eric roberts is 34. Thats rather old. [ laughter ] have you ever thought about getting married, again . No, not seriously. Really . Not really. Not really. Doesnt a woman have needs, as they say . Hey, you bet, johnny. [ laughter ] you know, its the first year in many years that i havent spent august 18th, which is my birthday, here. I was teaching a class, and i couldnt get out here. An acting class, i did this summer. Oh wait, ive got to do something. That was for 50 acting students. Oh really . I cant say all their names. So thats a little greeting to them . Before you evaded the question . Do i want to get married again . Yeah. Do you want to know the truth . Yes. Do you, really . Yes, i do. [ applause ] good for you. I would like to marry a lovely man in show business, who is sort of in my age group, successful, has his own career. Not an actor. Not an actor. And, if anybody wants to write in this is not a dating service. Oh, youd be surprised. Do you know whats going to happen now . What . I guarantee you, youre going to get letters from people around the country. Okay, i might get a husband. Ill bet you do. Okay. Ill bet you do. You know i want to tell you something. Ive done this show often, and you always send me a firstclass, round trip ticket, right . Sure. Thats about 1600, 1700. Well, usually, they let you trade it in for tourist. [ laughter ] you traded your ticket in for tourist . Ive done it for 15 years. You owe us about 38,000 why do you trade the first class ticket in for tourist . Then i can bring some friends. About five or six friends. Yes, i do. Makes sense. And i like tourist better than first class. Why is that . You meet a better class of people. [ applause ] too snobby in first class . Im snobby in reverse. The first class passengers, after about ten minutes, they get stoned and boring. They go to sleep, or theyre doing computer stuff. But tourist, everybodys friendly. This trip, i visited my secretary, who was in tourist, that i paid for, not you. And i go back to tourist, and for awhile, i thought they were all my cousins. And they discuss past Johnny Carson shows ive done. As a matter of fact, i was invited tonight to a barbeque in burbank. Really . Yes, a whole family who lives in burbank. I may go. Maybe, ill see. [ applause ] youll meet a guy with a chefs apron that says al on it. This might be the guy. Why not . Why not . Okay, well take a break. Were coming right back. [ music, applause ] were back. Were talking to Shelley Winters. You were talking about when you fly, you like to go back and talk to the people, you know, who are flying tourist. When you go out and i suppose you do normal things around the neighborhood. Go shopping. Yes. One of the things about flying, you know, you begin to know your age. They have those earphones with music . Yeah. Well, this time, i didnt recognize any of the music. There were five stations, heavy metal stuff . I guess, i guess. I really felt out of it. Well, what would you listen to, if you had an evening of music . Well, golden oldies. You know. Songs that have words and melodies. [ laughter ] yeah, you like mainstream, mainline stuff, huh . Yeah, sort of. I went up to stevie wonder, and then they lost me. I mean, i like him. But anyway, its not dancing in the aisles time, like with doc. Hes wonderful. Extraordinary. D [ applause ] somebody told me you go out and you do your own grocery shopping. Yes. Most people think people who are instantly recognizable wouldnt go out to the Grocery Store to do your shopping. The neighborhood that i live in, in new york i was in a market, once, in malibu. Picking up some stuff. And a lady comes up to me and goes, what are you doing here . And i said, i need food. But i dont know why you wouldnt think you wouldnt go into a store. Like, ive been in an elevator, you know, and somebody looks at you and they say, you look like Shelley Winters. And i say, a little bit. [ laughter ] do you ever get this, are you who i think you are . Yes, yes. Yeah, you dont know who they might think you are. You know, Charlie Chaplin once told me did you know Charlie Chaplin well . Yes, very well. Im writing my new book and nobodys going to talk to me after it. Are you telling more secrets . Not real secrets. Well, its hard to explain. I dont really write about sex. I write about human experience, and sex is part of human experience. Well, thats a nice way to put it, yes. Did you and Charlie Chaplin . No, no, no. Charlie chaplins son, sidney chaplin, was a friend of mine at the Beverly Hills tennis club. Thats when i could play tennis. You really play well. No, go ahead. This is fascinating. I had 80,000