Thank you, thats very nice of you. Wow, what a nice crowd. I dont know i dont know how to tell you this, but i think your i think your heartburn just set off our smoke detectors. [ laughter ] usually when people come after thanksgiving, theyre a little logey, but you sound good tonight. Thank you for coming. Hope you had a happy thanksgiving. You had your turkey last night. You had your lasagna. Right here. He has lasagna. Trad family is lasagna. Yeah, thats right. You are youre a big eater. Not over, but youre a big guy. Ed, last night, had so much gas that reagan reflagged him and gave him a navy escort home. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] what am i laughing i had a fun thanksgiving, ill be honest. I love that holiday. I gathered all my relatives together, and for laughs, i carved my nephews out of the will. [ laughter ] i hope you dont mind comedy leftovers tonight. I mean, its the day after thanksgiving. Did you now, youre gonna eat turkey for a while, right . Right. Mine when i was a kid, we would have a big turkey, and we would have turkey for a long time. We would have turkey soup. My mother would make turkey hash. Then there was turkey salad, and when it got really cold in the winter my mother would make giblet earmuffs. [ laughter ] let us be thankful for the jokes you are about to receive, folks. Why is it that people pig out . Why do they overeat on the holidays . You know youre gonna feel lousy. Give you an idea when martha raye was sleeping in the dining room. [ laughter ] and thats ridiculous. But heres heres some interesting news. It just came out in the paper today, a major Scientific Study indicated that eating turkey had extraordinary effects. Did you know that . Its good for ya. Surgeon general says that it prolongs life, enhances intelligence, increases your sex drive, but. Unfortunately its effects are wiped out completely by cer [ laughter ] the president and his family i think are at the ranch around santa barbara. They had a touching thanksgiving scene. Reagan didnt actually kill the bird himself. What he does he hands the bird an axe and says, well, if you wanna cut off your own head, i wont stand in your way. [ applause ] reagans turkey knew he didnt have long to live, though, because moments before the end, reagan said he was sticking with his nominee. Turkey knew he was a goner. Hey, you know what you know what is four weeks from today . Ill give you a hint. Hohoho. Thats right, you guessed, sir. Its mel tillis trying to reserve a hotel room. [ laughter ] the bakkers were in the news again, jim and tammy bakker. They were on entertainment tonight, a few nights ago. Did you see that . She came by my house, she said, and left me a note in the mailbox. Tammy bakker and for all the things i say about her, she comes up and she said what she really wanted in life, she wanted to get a job as a spokesperson for a cosmetics company. Phew. Well, she finally got it. Shes going to be a spokesperson for andy granatellis 40 weight mascara. [ cheers and applause ] are on vacation out here, and probably you are thinking about christmas shopping. You should go into Beverly Hills and go to rodeo drive, pick up some really great bargains there. Rodeo drive in Beverly Hills is having their big day after thanksgiving day sale, where everything is priced 40 percent off their regular thousand percent markup. [ laughter ] have you been in some of those stores . Do you shop in those stores . [ laughter ] and i said to the clerk, how much is the beautiful tie in the window . And he said, can you afford the Monthly Payments . A tie. [ laughter ] hahaha yourself. My nephew trying to punch up his job. Anyway. Are you i dont wanna put the Christmas Season down, but it starts earlier every year, and there are a lot of specials coming up, and by the time you get to christmas, youve gonna about had it up to here. Are you getting a little t specials they have . You know what id like to see just once . And ill get letters for this, but id like to see alvin and the chipmunks get flattened on the freeway by an 18 wheeler. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, thats a joke. Dont write. The kids are sitting at home oh, the chipmunks. [ laughter ] now, let me point out when i hes a dear friend. But, i dont think i can see James Stewart in its a wonderful life, i mean it, one more time. Even the Angel Clarence is sick of it. [ laughter ] last night he came down from heaven and pushed stewart off the bridge. [ laughter ] imimim sorry, jim. I had to do that. Cable tv is now doing christmas specials. Have you seen pat buchanan on crossfire . Wonderful christmas special. Questions like, all right, whats with the red suit, you big fat commie . [ laughter ] pat buchanan on cable. Shoulda done that joke on cable. Dolls are big this year. Oh what happened to the Cabbage Patch doll . Is that old hat . Thats out. Whats the big, hot teddy ruxpin. Kenny ruspick, the talking teddy bear . Thats still big this year . Theres a pee wee herman doll . [ laughter ] have you seen, seriously, the new jim and tammy dolls . [ laughter ] you wind em up. [ laughter ] tammy goes shopping, and jim makes a move on barbie. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] and the Jerry Falwell doll takes over the box. Anyway, youre in a good mood. We got great show for you tonight. We have a doozy tonight. A doozy . Mr. David steinberg, one of the cleverest man in the business. [ applause ] the comedienne making her first appearance on the tonight show, her name is jann karam. Jan is with us. And an interesting story, six or eight months was not an actor at all. But he was on a plane trip coming out, some guy talked to him, ended up doing a show called franks place. Don yesso is with us tonight. Stay where you all. Well be right back. [ music ] thank you. [ cheers and applause ] rollment deadline is just a few weeks away. 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Today, i guess, is for retailers, or shop owners, is supposed to be the busiest day of the year for shopping. I guess they kind of calibrate how the season is gonna go by what happens today. According to the news, a lot of people thought so ago, there was gonna be a disaster. Apparently people around there, spending their money like crazy. How many of you are going shopping just like you did last year . To hell with it. [ applause ] you know, you might as well. The big one may come tomorrow. You might as well go out and do it. Anyway, i guess the shopping malls were full today, and this is what is called the daily news. Came out thursday, november the 26. This was a gift guide. This is the paper, and look at the flyers. Gee. I cant find the news anymore when you get the paper. By the time you get through what they call these what do they call these . Blowins or something . Or insert sheets, these are all from different advertisers. This is just from one local paper for giftgiving. Uh, this year, according to figures, American Families will spend an average of what would you guess, on a Christmas Gift . Now, dont the average American Family . What do you think they would spend on a Christmas Gift . A couple hundred dollars. See, you did it again. You know it you know its more than that, usually, so you did the old thing about underplaying it, didnt you . I always do it. I know it. And ill keep doing it. They say about 380. I was thinking about that. [ laughter ] why didnt you say that . I didnt want to hit it right on the nose. Theyd think we planned it. And the average american the average american relative is gonna spend 10 on gas returning most of those gifts. [ laughter ] now, a lot of stores, already, because they were a little leary of what was gonna happen, have already started discounting you know, theyre cutting em back, and the people are showing up. So what we did, we found here it is, right here. The Southern California shopping guide. Now only in Southern California would they have really unique, and i cant say really unique, can i . I have to say unique. Is that correct english . Because unique needs no qualifier . Thats right. Its either unique or its not unique. Thats about right. [ laughter ] i think right yeah. In southern cal if youre gonna stick around for a few days, heres some rather strange shops. For example, lets just take a look in this thing that graphics made up for us. Were not trying just pick any page. Were not trying we do this to make it see this, we a little production value for the comedy here. Right. We actually go over and say, guys, make us a thing that says Southern California shopping guide. coulda read em off the paper, but this gives it a little production. Lets see what is happening. Now heres a shop for people, only in southern cali, o its a past lives plumber. Its called here we go again. Oh, boy. Ooh, boy. Ooh, boy, oh, boy. Graphics did this for us, huh . Yes. Heres a store that specializes in gifts for the only child called toys r i. [ laughter ] see, i should have started with that. In west covina, theres the dehydrated pet store. Now, listen. They sell pit bouillon cubes. [ laughter ] if somebody tries to break into your house, you pop one into a cup of boiling water. [ laughter ] theres a Shopping Center right here in the valley that rents space to plastic surgeons. You walk into one end, and when you leave the other end, you look completely different. Its calle marginal, marginal. Im trying to get the biggies here. Heres an unusual one. Maybe not amusing, but unusual called the pickpockets plaza. There are no stores, just hundreds of mannequins with merchandise in their clothing, and its for pickpockets, you see, who go through youre picking out the big ones . Do we have those, uh, foreign commercials also tonight . We also had some foreign commercials we were gonna use in case this didnt go. We do have those . Get ready for them. All you robbers might be interested to know, today is the one day of the year that 711 operators can open the safe. [ laughter ] theres a store with a very limited appeal, and i also humorous appeal. It sells puppet neckwear. Its called. [ laughter ] casa de doody. [ laughter ] its a male Clothing Store for underworld figures, crooks brothers. They make coats that automatically pull over your head when you walk out of a courtroom. Were talking about dolls heres a talking doll store it has a doll that hasnt yet learned to walk or talk. Its called little miss underachiever. [ laughter ] if that one doesnt do it, the rest are in real trouble. [ laughter ] see if theres anything here hmm. Toys r us is unloading its remaining stock of the special Sylvester Stallone edition of scrabble, which has only two letters y and o. [ laughter ] yo. Yo. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i know youre trying to make me feel good, but thats just to set up the foreign commercials. We do have those, dont we . Yes, sir, we have. Are you saying you dont want me to run them . Are they any good, pete . Im asking peter and sally. Are they good . Yeah. Theyre even funny. Are they . Amusing. Relatively, are they funnier than this piece of material . What . No. Oh, come on. Theyre not more amusing than this . Well, all we have well, lets show these. Theyre interesting. From time to time, we bring you some of the funniest and most interesting commercials. No, problem, sir. Theyre ready. Thank you. Thank god [ laughter ] fred was talking to our booth, saying, hes ro we have five of the winners of the International Advertising film festival. Now, these commercials are from england, new zealand, and norway, and they were, um, provided by screen vision cinema network, americas only Cinema Advertising network. I have not seen these myself, but mr. Lassally and mr. De cordova have assured me that these are very amusing and their jobs hang in the balance. Look at the monitor, and well see if theyre if theyre semiamusing. [ laughter ] [ music ] its got to be kaiser. Kaiser, a great beer. Ug [ applause ] now, were talking. In fact, you could be looking at the next Divisional Branch manager. Oh, thats nice, dear. Oh, stevens reckons ive got a very Bright Future with the company. Do you worry about minor mishaps around the home . With loc from amway, you can remove virtually any stain. [ indistinct chatter ]. A bit of promotion in the next year around, as well. Thats nice, dear. Loc leaves you spotless. To get your bottle, call this number. Someone will be happy to speak with you. [ glass breaking ] [ speaking Foreign Language ] [ dog whining ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] now were talking. [ applause ] those are funny. Okay, in a moment, david steinberg, jann karam, and don yesso will join us. Stay where you are. [ music ] david is a director. Speaking of commercials, which we just saw, he might have some observations on this. Hes won aa clio award, which is the highest award you can get for work in television commercials. He directs Television Shows like the bob newhart show, valeries family always a good guest. Would you welcome mr. David steinberg. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] we can talk about that, because youve done a lot of commercial. I sure have. Would American Television let you do the commercial with the men standing at the urinals . Oh, no. It wasnt in bad taste. I mean, it was very funny. No, no. But i dont think we could do that in this country. No, they would say that would make the beer seem like it has a direct result. You know, they Research Everything in america. Yeah. So, no, they wouldnt do that. And they would say the guy was too short, the guy standing at the urinal. Yeah. The guy who drinks our beer has to be perfect, you know. Theres material they found out that sometimes that the most popular commercials that people talk about sometimes dont necessarily sell the product. There have been cases in history where people say, gee, thats a funny commercial. And then you say, well, what was the product . They say, yeah, thats what beer was that . Or what soandso and they cant put it together. Yeah, theyre not sure that humor really sells the commercial yet, because people really remember the joke, and they dont quite remember the commercial. But those commercials are wonderful. Yeah. And i just think that if the american clients, you know, who sort of buy these spots would trust them a little bit more, they would go over here, too. They just hedge, you know. They get nervous. Well, let me let me take a poll, just for the fun of it. Now, be honest. Were not gonna put a camera on you. How many of the pe anybody in the audience that found that commercial with the gentlemen in the mens room distasteful or out of line at all . No way. You see . You gotta trust i think people make pretty good judgements on these things. They underestimate the yeah, they would research it, and you know, they would say it just, uh you know, we had one marvelous, from japan, and it was for a soap, and they had all these little japanese boys. They couldnt have been four or five, and they shot em from the back, and they were all in the buff. At that age, they were so cute, and they all walked in and they got into this steaming tub of hot water, and theyre all sitting there in a circle, and these little faces, and all of a sudden, you saw one little bubble come up. And they took the next shot, and one little kid was sitting all by himself, and everybody else was over there. Innocent commercial. Wonderful. And they were selling soap, and thats all it was. And it was theyd never do that in this country. No, they wouldnt. I work with kids a lot. Youre forced into working with kids a lot in commercials. Are they little monsters to work with . No, theyre not monsters, but theyre not actors. Theyre kids. I did a commercial for, i dont wanna mention the product, but it was with dom deluise, and we had a four year old little girl that i chose. I thought she was just great. And she was just as charming as could be. Well, dom started to play with her, and got her all riled up, and she was all they were playing and having a wonderful time, and i couldnt get them to do any i couldnt get her to do any of the lines. We needed like fifteen seconds, and it wasnt happening, so really what you do with a kid is you sort of break the set and you play. But the clients were only used to working with actors, so one of the guys came up. You know, you like the clients are, like, four guys who sha usually. [ laughter ] time sharing . [ laughter ] you dont even know how to deal with these guys, you know . And this guy came up to me as i was talking to this little girl. I adored her. And he said, what are her credits . Oh, youre kidding. Now, the girls four years old. I said, well, she learned to walk three years ago. [ laughter ] went on to stanislavski on the road. Something like that . Thats right. Shes studying war and peace. Worked with Marlon Brando what are her credits . Yeah, what are her credits . A four year old girl. But, no, theyre not as advanced here as they used to be. At a time, they were doing commercials like that. They might i finally saw. Television had a breakthrough finally, this year. They had an actual, live model wearing a brassiere i mean, a woman had a brassiere on. That was not allowed on television. Personally, they look dumber and more obscene when they were on those dumb mannequins. You know, this wooden body wearing a bra, and you dont see many of that around. No. We finally made a big breakthrough. Well, why they made the rule that you couldnt brassieres is also odd, you know. Yeah. I mean, you see so much more, you know . Well, were gonna come back and talk some more, and some more, and some more. And all kinds of things. [ music ] [ applause ] i understand you finally, uh, you finally went the route and bought a satellite dish. A dish. Ive got a dish. Yeah, thats a big thing now. Yeah. Well, for someone like me, its a necessity. Yeah. cause i watch everything thats out there. Theres a lot of stuff out there on satellite, and a lot of it, not great. Well, youre like 150 channels, and nothing to watch. Somebody once said, you know, get a satellite dish, and its amazing. You can watch all the movies for 40 a month that you wouldnt go and normally see for 5 are now getting on satellite. Its true. Its really true well, i watch the tonight show. You know, i get the i get the feed from romania or something. You pick it up at 8 30 when you go back to new york. I pick it up sometimes before you even do it. Oh, you got the advance dish. I got the advance. I got the one that you dont have. You have a dish, dont you . Yeah. I think theyre fun. Theyre great fun, yeah. Whats funny is you can sit there some night and keep going from satellite to satellite, and not find something you wanna watch. Well, when i get it, whether you want it or not. Whether you want it sometimes its just shows that are everywhere. Alf was one of them. Here, when i was on the cable, i would always get the chosen, you know . With, uh, with guy with the earlocks, you know, and just everywhere i turned i got this guy standing there, you know, and now i get alf on the dish. But its great, when you watch the political now, i like to watch them sitting there waiting to go on. Thats the great advantage of the dish. For people that dont know, if you have a dish, very often you see them prior to the newscasters, they actually go out to transmit it to the networks, and you see them in the newsroom, and sometimes you hear some interesting dialogue. Oh, yeah, you can hear them talking, hear lots of jokes. Its great fun. I watch the debates. I watch all the candidates. Theyre just too much fun, and, uh, i watch buckley. Buckley was kind of interesting because he asked them all sort of Barbara Walters type questions. You know, not if i were a fire hydrant and you were a dog. [ laughter ] but it was, he said, if you had a who would it be . I guess he was trying to find out who these people respect. Thats not a bad question. Yeah, and they all came up with lincoln, or washington, and all that, but i was thinking that no one gets to ask meese that question. You know, now meese had claimed, in the iran contra report, said he couldnt remember 120 times. So i have a feeling the picture that hes got up there is of alzheimer. [ laughter ] 120 times. And of course probably has pinocchios picture up there. [ laughter ] he lied, but he cant quite remember. So its great fun. I mean, the political situation, i still i cant get over the ginsburg marijuana thing. That is a triumphant moment for comedians. Yeah. Really, i mean, when you hear that a guy whos running for thats just breathtaking stuff. What i like is not so much that he smoked the joint who cares about that . Its the next day all the Democratic Candidates admitted that they had done it, you know . Because they were worried their friends were gonna, you know, sort of rat on them. Yeah, they wanted to open up and show that, hey, im just an average guy, too. An average guy. Yeah. But, like albert gore said, he smoked, but he didnt enjoy it. [ laughter ] the word they use that i love, they experimented with it. I experimented with it. I didnt enjoy it and the press is, you know, they reported this. I mean, the guy is running for the presidency. You know, what is he gonna say . Wow, what a rush . [ laughter ] man. [ laughter ] what an evening. But i love that rush to confession. Yeah, they all are. Poor george bush was running around trying to find something, you know . Finally came up with he had torn that tag off the mattress that says, do not, under penalty of law you know, but nobody picked speaking of bill buckley, i asked bill buckley some years ago if had ever smoked, just out of the blue. I said, did you ever smoke marijuana . And there was this pause, and buckley said, he says, yes, once, on my boat, but we were outside the three mile limit. [ laughter ] sure oh, sure. Right, like he had aa sextant there. Okay, guys, three miles. Well be right back. [ applause ] exactly what he said. But he didnt enjoy it