Okay. Ill tell you what. You can come up to my place for coffee, but i have to get up early tomorrow. [ laughter ] you ever try that with a girl . It never works. [ laughter ] i want to thank you for that nice ovation. Im going to do something nice for you. Im going to stick around for the whole hour. [ laughter ] [ applause ] sitting in for standing. Not sitting. Standing in for doc tonight. Mr. Thomas newsom. [ applause ] wonderful guy, but kind of a loser. [ laughter ] you know his twin brother forgot his birthday . [ laughter ] im glad youre in a good mood tonight because we the mighty carson art players are really stretching themselves tonight. We took on an ambitious cause here, but were going to give it a shot, and last nights audience to tell you the truth was a little tough. How tough . Well, come on. [ laughter ] a little old lady is trying to tune in over easy on her hearing aid. [ laughter ] now, i know a lot of you are from out of town, and california is different. Especially isnt it . Yes. We have about every strange cult out here youve ever heard you heard of the moonies . Right. Theres a new group out. A cult out of malibu beach called the sunnies. [ laughter ] they believe that when you die you come back a susan summers tshirt. [ laughter ] weird. Now, for your dining pleasure after the show we have a lot of fine restaurants right out here in burbank on burbanks famed restaurant row. [ laughter ] now, theres a new place. Nakamichis sushi bar and bait supply restaurant. [ laughter ] i like that very much. Its [ laughter ] it is not one of your classier japanese restaurants. And while youre eating they sell them. [ laughter ] but the restaurant i was there the other night. Really . Yes. It does have authentic japanese atmosphere. They even serve digital fish. [ laughter ] i did have a late breaking news bulletin from washington. David stockman just trickled down to the job as a postal clerk. [ laughter ] [ applause ] finally the administration is getting fun. Arent they . Yeah. Alexander hague wants to set off a demonstration bomb in europe. [ laughter ] and stockman just set off a demonstration bomb in washington. [ laughter ] according to you know, he said apparently he gave an interview to atlantic monthly. David stockman, and hes been called on the carpet now, and according to reaganomics. Thats what they call the president s economic policy. The way it works is david rockefeller, for example, makes 50 million a black family in watts. [ laughter ] now, if you believe that you will also believe that colonel gaddafi is a graduate of the Dale Carnegie school. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the democrats are having a field day at president reagans expense. Right of this thing tip oneill called the rushed back to the house of representatives. Called them into session. Banged the gavel, and said lets vote on anything. [ he said it was good timing. [ laughter ] stockman, i understand, offered to resign. It was refused by president reagan, and David Stockman decided he reconsidered. He said hes going to stay on the job. He said, look. The economys going down the dumper. I dont want to be out of work. [ laughter ] that wasnt the exact quote. [ laughter ] as you know the Space Shuttle is now circling the earth. I understand the news late this afternoon. A major problem, but enough that they have to land when . Saturday instead of saturday. On monday. Mmmhmm. Yeah. Did you see . How many of you watched the launch today . [ applause ] every newsman in the world is down there including dan rather. Now, that was kind of interesting because, you know, cbs is trying rather out, and trying to get him accepted, and when rather was commenting this morning. They had Walter Cronkite in a little box. [ laughter ] interpreting whatever rather s s so the people at home would believe it. [ laughter ] David Hartman was down there of good morning, america. Do you think david is going overboard a little bit with that homespun image . He had his couch out on by the Space Shuttle. [ laughter ] and whats her name . Joan lunden was knitting baby booties. [ laughter ] a little laid back. Lets see. [ laughter ] did you do did you celebrate memorial day yesterday . Of course. Not memorial day. On veterans day. He went up to his attic, and put on the uniform that he wore during world war ii. It was a nuns habit. [ laughter ] [ applause ] kept you out until about 1944. Didnt it . [ laughter ] we have a good show tonight. We have mr. Dom deluise with us. [ applause ] we have [ applause ] we have one of my favorite gals. Ms. Betty white is here. [ applause ] we have comedian Jerry Seinfeld is on the show tonight. [ applause ] the mighty carson art players. [ applause ] and later on i dont think you mentioned this. Francis the mule, and ed the talking horse will be out here, and say that thanks to doris day and then. [ laughter ] just just threw that in for us, and i should have thrown it out for us. Thank you for coming, and well be right back. [ applause ] [ music ] [ music ] the reason doc is not here tonight he came by a little earlier. He had to go to the dentist the other day. I dont w going to the dentist is no fun, and he had a root canal for it, and he came back. He looked like a squirrel storing up nuts for the summer. [ laughter ] he tried to come in last night, so tom is filling in. If you just joined us we have betty white, jeff sideman. The mighty carson art players, and this man who is very funny. Comedian and actor. Just finished a movie called the best little whore house in texas. You see. Now, years ago you couldnt have said that. No. Youd have to say the best little house of fun. Couldnt have said that at all. No. Hell be performing at the westbury music fair on long island for one week starting november the 17th, and then hell be at valley forge, pennsylvania for a week starting december the 1st. Thats a cold time to be there as George Washington will tell you. [ laughter ] washington was also at valley forge, but not in a round. [ laughter ] what . When he was addressing the troops he was in the round. No. No. Washington always liked the proscenium stage. He never worked a round. Would you would you welcome dom deluise . [ music ] [ applause ] is that thats amazing. We almost didnt make it. You know. [ laughter ] oh, jeez. Wonderful. Yes. You put the joke in about the horse, and the mule, and just whatever. And then it doesnt work, and you laugh, and you make a living from not getting laughs. Thats right. [ laughter ] hes goes you do what you have to do. I know. I know. Thats nice when you come out. Italians are known for touching. I mean, embracing. I did without any feeling of being non macho. You know. Oh, are you kidding . Hey. Woah. No, i you know, i know what its from. I just did a movie where i spent eight weeks with people, i didnt i didnt even think that i was kissing. Well, you werent kissing, but its nice to hug. Oh, hugging. You know, i see burt. I bite him. You know, on the ear, and stuff like that. Generally men dont do that in this country. Well its nice just to. Im going no. No. No. No. Play the same music. [ laughter ] dom deluise. [ applause ] [ laughter ] johnny, how are you . How you doing, john . [ laughter ] its nice to be here on the tonight show. [ laughter ] do you ever notice the more macho guys especially in football. Theres a lot of b yes. They touch. Oh, they had a wonderful time with me. The whole team could grab my at the same time. [ laughter ] theres room for everybody. You have been working on the picture the best little whore house in texas. Yes. Based on the broadway play with dolly parton. Yes. Oh, i have fallen in love with her. Shes a nice lady. She really is a nice gal. Talented. Dear. Sweet. Shes wonderful. You know, when i met her it took me about three days to get to know that she was pretty because, couldnt get past her neck. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . This is me looking at her. Can you see . This is me looking at her. Hello, dolly. [ laughter ] like a little puppy. You know. [ laughter ] i mean, shes gorgeous. She is ample as they say. Ample. The fact that she can stand up straight, i think, is really wonderful. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Yeah. And sometimes she jogs to work, and i have a big pro black eyes. [ laughter ] john, im not making this up. This is some and she has tiny little feet. [ laughter ] she does. Nothing grows in the shade. [ laughter ] [ applause ] how many thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. No. How many more of these descriptive jokes do you have . Is that about covered . That doesnt cover it because okay. [ laughter ] now, the name. People who are not familiar with that title would sound like thats a racey rather well, it is racey. You can refer to it as the chicken ranch if you like. Its less offensive. I think people do kind of straighten up, and say, oh, you know, you cant talk about that movie, but its a movie about human feelings, and its not offensive at all. No. There is nudity, but its not offensive to me. Yeah. I like that stuff, you know. [ laughter ] right . Yes. Did you have to did you have to work in this picture . Songs. Clothing. No. I wear clothes, but everybody else is nude. [ laughter ] not everybody. No. Not everybody. Not every single person, but theres a whole theres a raid on the chicken ranch that i that my character, melvin p. Thorpe, does, and i run in there, and kind of upset everybody in the middle of the night while theyre, you know, having chicken, and [ laughter ] they get surprised. Do you feel its like people they say if you went to a nude beach, and if you were clothed, embarrassed. You tell ive been to a club. Have you been to a nudist place . No. No. All nude people. Have you . Dont lie. [ laughter ] i know. I know. He said, one. One night. No. I never have. Well, all right. You know what happens . The first thing you do is take off your clothes because you dont want those people looking at you. [ laughter ] really. I tell you. Its only just that. You know, and then of course now, did you feel uncomfortable in this movie . They played volleyball when i was at the nudist camp, and then you dont you just your head. You get such a pain. [ laughter ] you dont know what to look at . Oh. Ah. Woah. Look at that. [ laughter ] you know, you get a neck it hurts your neck. Its terrible. What were you doing at a nudist camp to begin with . Steve allen said, would you like to interview nude people, and i said, no, so i did, and it was rather touching. It was really sweet. I mean, it was it turned out to be very nice. It wasnt they were all lovely people. You know. And now you talked about your father on the show a lot. Yes. How would your father have hes from the old school. My father. Yeah. You mean seeing nude nudity, and i think he would have liked dolly a lot. I think [ laughter ] well. You know, because he liked meat and potatoes. [ laughter ] would you take now, what would your dad say . I mean he would say this. I no like this, and hed say, lets go. Hed say, just a minute. [ laughter ] i want to get this in my brain because i gonna [ laughter ] he would be fascinated. He would oh, sure. He would laugh. I think. He wasnt puritanical then. No. No. What does that mean . [ laughter ] well, you know. The puritan ethic type of thing. Well, he used to talk about witches. He said that once a witch got him. My father was very superstitious. Yeah. And he said that once a witch put a spell on him, and he says, i no can be with a gal. Understand, and i said, no could be with a girl. I said, a witch did that . He said, yes, but then i said, okay. He really thought the witch yes. He thought a girl made him, you know, for about a year he said he was impotent because a witch had put a curse on him. Because a witch, so he would have loved this. His impotence would have gone very quickly. Yes. I can see that. From meeting dolly. Okay. Can i talk about dolly for a moment . Yeah. Ive got to do a commercial first. Because i went trick or treating with her, and id like to tell you about that. Well, id like to hear about it. We can can we do this first . Yeah. Oh, sure. Okay. Say money right . You can say money. Sure. [ laughter ] say money. Yeah. Well be right back after this. [ music ] [ applause ] were talking with dom deluise, and betty white is here, and jeff siemon, and were going to seinfeld, and the mighty carson art players will perform later. Now, were talking about dolly parton. Well, we got to be friends on this movie, and had you ever met her before . Or outside of just i met her. I met her once at a meeting but theres something about here. You know when you meet somebody, and then you start realizing that she is as sweet as you think she is . Yeah. And then its a revelation to you, so on thanksgiving i said, im going to go trick or treating with my kids, and she said, oh. Why would you go on thanksgiving . [ laughter ] because i made a mistake. How sweet of you to mention it. [ laughter ] i thought it was a new italian holiday i wasnt familiar with. That you went out later than thst ah, im sorry. You went on halloween. Give me a break. Halloween. Good. Right. Thats before thanksgiving. Yes. [ laughter ] you dirty rat. All right, so anyway. Its that part when you get dressed up funny, and you ask for candy. Yeah. Halloween. Halloween, so i said, im going to go out trick or treating with my kids, and she said, can i come, and i said, really . Well, you know dolly is very recognizable with the hair, and all the rest of her, so im going to dress up, so anyway. She came to my house. Right . She walked in, and i didnt recognize her. She was a pregnant hillbilly. She had on a she was pregnant. You know, with a pillow. Right. And she had on freckles, and her hair was kind of wherever it was. I dont know, but it was she had like a big bandana on her head. She had eyebrows like groucho marx, and she had pencil marks, and red, red cheeks. Big red lips, and every other tooth was blacked out. This is something she wanted to do. This is dolly parton. Wellw. Prince with a purple cape, and stuff, and so we went out with my kids, so theres a little kid, david. He was a beat up bum with you know, he was a bum, and michael was a motorcycle guy, so we opened the door. I mean, the person came and said or one guy said, isnt there an age requirement . [ laughter ] because im a big person. Right, so then another guy gave out candy to david, candy to michael, and then he looked, [ laughter ] gave her candy, you know, and then and in fact max was there, so there was another kid. Now theres a guy who gives out pomegranates. Right, so hes got a tree, and hes got pomegranates, so he gave one pomegranate to me. Looked a little funny. Sighed. Gave one to david, one to max, one to and then he gave two to dolly. [ laughter ] i thought that was sweet. Cute. But we did it for an hour. [ laughter ] we did it for an hour and a half, and im telling you. We went its like going back to childhood. Ive never done that. Usually im saying, david, get away from that bush. Michael, give him back his candy. And youre out there dressed up in a purple cape. I was in a purple cape, and i had a great time. It was wonderful. Were all children at heart. Well, you wouldnt do that. Would you dress up funny . [ laughter ] and go to peoples house in disguise. You couldnt disguise yourself. Im not a big costume person. I dont generally like costume parties, and ill tell you why. You hold a costume party. On the crazy costume. I go naked with a raisin in my [ laughter ] you know what im saying . People put on outlandish outfits. You know there, and the first 30 seconds everybody goes, oh, thats hysterical, and youre stuck the rest of the night in that stupid outfit. [ laughter ] after everybody has seen it, and youve got to walk around that way the rest of the night. Yeah, but you have to drink, and take drugs. [ laughter ] but a good costume. You know, to keep up the fun, but a very good costume is a raisin. You put a raisin in your navel. You walk in forward, and you are a raisin cookie. If the raifa you turn around. You become a pocket house roll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you go to you go to a different level of parties than i do. Obviously. [ laughter ] well, Elizabeth Taylor does that. Somebody told me. She gets dressed up, and oh, yeah. With a raisin . Get with it, john. Get with it. Yes. Elizabeth taylor dresses up, and goes, and gets candy. Thats how she gained i mean, the fun part. Shes brilliant in her show little foxes. Really. Yeah. I havent seen it yet. And maureen stapleton. Oh, you havent seen it . No. Its really good. Its about this family that wants to kill each other. [ laughter ] its a lot of laughs. You know. [ laughter ] speaking of your family. Do you get together on holidays . I mean, outside of i do. We get together. I love my family. I just love them. I really feel very blessed. I mean, i got i have a job, and then i go home, and i have a family, and i love it. Thats great. You know, its a little scary because thanksgiving is coming up. Im going to be in new york, and we tend to eat until somebody dies. Oh. [ laughter ] you mean you really binge it out on thanksgiving. Oh, please. You know what an antipasto is . All those wonderful things, and then theres a soup, and theres sausage, and then a wonderful soup, and you know. Its escrow great, you know, and already youre getting a little sleepy from the soup, and then lasagna, and then when you make the sauce theres, you know, meatballs and sausages, and then that comes on. You know, a little salad, and then they bring out a turkey, and they go, following the lasagna and sausage with a turkey . You dont eat no. You just have a little bit until finally the bird just somebody. Bite me. [ laughter ] we have no use for the bird. We have no used for the bird. The bird becomes the centerpiece. Thats right. Its a centerpiece. Thats it. You know what i mean . All right. Were going to take a little break here. Fabulous. Then we will be back. Yes. Well, we dont know. It could be fabulous, but then the mighty carson art players. Theype well, well find out. [ applause ] attention are you eligible for medicare . 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With more choices. Like dental and vision care. And the freedom to choose your own doctors. All at a price you can afford. We help find the right plan for you. And we do it at no cost. There were so many benefits i wasnt taking advantage of. Healthmarkets can find me the right plan. And their service doesnt cost a cent. S away the confusion. Too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they dont know what theyre entitled to. Make sure you have what you need to get the care thats right for you. You have only a few weeks left. If you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. Call a licensed healthmarkets agent now. Call now. Call this number by the deadline. And let healthmarkets find the right medicare [ music ] thank you, tommy. Many americans are upset by a recent Court Decision that made videotaping of tv shows at home illegal. Now, the mighty carson art players would like to show you what that decision could lead to if the government chose to enforce that law to the limits. The Us Ninth Circuit Court of appeals ruled that videotaping a tv show violates copyright laws, and is therefore a federal crime. The next day the enforcement of this court ruling is placed in the hands of a special Government Task force headed by well know federal agent elliott nielsen, and his video untouchables. [ music ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is video untouchables. Elliott nielson, federal agent in charge. Whats that . Thank you. Rico. Young blood. Get in here. [ laughter ] yes, chief. Yes, chief. I have just received an anonymous tip on the telephone. What is it, chief . Its that black instrument there on my desk. [ laughter ] no, chief. I think he meant what was the tip. Well, men. First you know it was bootleg now the most disgusting, deprived practice ever committed by a human being. What . Video taping tv shows in the home. Now, monday night football was heard coming out of this home tuesday morning. [ laughter ] six oclock news was heard coming out of this house at 9 30. Now, my informant informs me that at this very moment the Wilson Family is taping a Television Show in their own home. Its right here at the corner of schrumm and grant. Lets roll. [ laughter ] rico. I think this is your hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. This is your hat. No. This is give me his hat. [ music ] no. Thats my hat. They sped on their way to the sight of the alleged crime in progress. Rico, i told you to do that before you left the office. But i cant wait, chief. [ laughter ] not my hat. I said, give him your hat. Thats ricos hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. Whats wrong with you clowns . Rico, thats my give me my hat. [ music ] [ phone ringing ] [ applause ] hello . Hi, honey. Oh, you wont be able to be home toni is this phone safe . All right. Ill tape the ball game for you, and be careful coming home, honey. Yesterday they set up a video road block, and arrested the fergusons with a kilo of leave it to beaver reruns. [ laughter ] goodbye, honey. Are you kids done with your homework . Yes. Yes. We are. Can we watch the can we watch the program on tv . Oh, yes, hun, but just remember and close the drapes. Mommy. Mommy. Theres a man out there with a big hat. Oh, youre just imagining things. No. Come and watch your show. [ laughter ] all right. Rico. Young blood. Alrighty. Got your ammo . Draw your tv guides. [ laughter ] young blood. What time is it . 8 00 oclock, chief. Rico. Mmmhmm. Whats on . Magnum pi, mark and mindy, harper valley. Oh. Oh. Stella fights off the advances of cassies Old High School sweetheart at a class reunion. Just the names of the show, rico. Oh, look. [ laughter ] thats on cable. Oh, what time is it on . Youll say that until you hit puberty, young blood. . Its a Beautiful Day . . In this neighborhood . Wait a minute. What show is that . I know. I know. Young blood. Thats mr. Rogers neighborhood. I watch at 8 00 oclock every morning. A morning show being watched at night. Weve got ourselves a crime in progress here. All right,. This is Elliot Nielson of the video untouchables. We know youre watching an illegal videotape in there. Oh, no. Its the heat. Quick. Stevie, get rid of the evidence. [ laughter ] freeze