Is used to gettin his own way. Youre the first mayor to tell him no instead of no problem. All part of my master plan on not bein reelected. Push, candy, push well, mr. Stonewall abbott. What brings you here . This beautiful nurse, you imbecile. Actually, shes not a real nurse. Yed one in a movie. Park it over here, honey. Ha ha if youre going for the handicapped spaces, you gotta go the whole nine yards what are you doing out in the daylight . I thought youd be hanging upside down in a cave somewhere. Well, little woody newton. Smalltown boy makes mediocre. Or should i be saying now. Mr. Mayor . Is that what they used to call you . Oh, thats so cute. Your honor. You can call me anything you like, but you have torched your last toyota. Oh, yeah . Yeah. Oh, yeah . Yeah. What if i get dr. Doolittle here to withdraw his complaint . Never ha ha youve ruined the tranquility of my home, ill give you 500. I heard that. If you got a hardboiled egg in your pocket, ill raise it to 1,000. Shoot oh well, you got 500, and ill even throw in 500 for your worthlessness. Thats double what i paid the last mayor, and he knew how to load a mortar. You cant buy me at any price. To say no to you, but im not. Oh, wood, youre just like gary cooper in high noon. Except that right now, its only 10 45. Little woodys in town. And im takin away all your firepower. in old man voice ooh. Im so scared. You can have all my firepower. Over my dead body. I cant believe hes dead. I cant believe we went to the funeral. It was a very beautiful service. Im just sorry i was sittin next to that cannon blast merleen. What . im not goin down this road with you again, merleen. What . ive gotta admit, stonewall made a heck of an exit. Dressing up like uncle sam, getting into a 1956 Lincoln Continental and blowing himself up all over harlans yard. Lets face it. The man knew how to party. L tell you something. This is just unbelievable. What landed in your yard . Oh, just a little piece of his dashboard. Whats really exciting is he made me executor of his will. Well, that proves that the guys nuts mean, hateful, deceitful and he left you 1 million. And a big heart. Man . Got my front porch swing . . A glass of lemonade . . A baby on my knee . . I think i got it made . . Youd best be believin . . Im never leavin Evening Shade . . They got tencent stores . . No locks on the doors . . And Everybody Knows your name . . They got sunday school . . The golden rule . . Is slower than molasses . . And you cant help but smile . . Lyin in the shade . . So come on down . . And youll be glad you stayed . . Dont talk about leavin . . Im never leavin Evening Shade . I still cant believe it i mean, the guy hated my guts. He gave me a Million Dollars maybe it was because. In some strange way, his hatred of your guts gave him a reason to live. Well, whatever the reason, he does mention you specifically. It says right here aseous piss ant, little woody newton. I leave 1 million. See, wood, he did care about you. Its not fair im the one who filed a complaint against him. He should hate me more, and that money should be mine im sorry, harlan. This will is legal. So the moneys mine. I mean, woods. Actually, the money aint anybodys yet. Hmm . What . Mr. Abbott left five envelopes. Coach. Mmhmm. Accordin to this will, you gotta open each one of these envelopes and do whats inside in order to earn the 1 million. Earn . What is this earn stuff . Oh, this is exciting. Its like gettin the publishers clearinghouse letter. Only from the great beyond. Herman, the man is dead. Now that money is mine. Open that envelope i cant open it. You have to open the envelopes. The will states, too, that you have to follow the instructions to the letter, and if you fail to do that in any one of these envelopes, you forfeit the entire 1 million. Thats ridiculous can he do that . Honey, stonewall can do whatever he wants. Thats why its called his will. Yeah, and as his legal executor, its my duty and responsibility to the t. Yeah, whats in it for you, boy . 500. Come on, lets open the first envelope and see what wood has to do, because we could really use some new carpeting upstairs. Some pearls wouldnt kill me, either. Greetings from the afterlife. If youre reading this, im dead. But i still dont like you. So if you want the money, youre gonna have to earn it. Theres that word again. Earn. Wait a minute. Theres no way that i will be doing these things come on, honey. Come on, itll be fun. No, it wont be fun. You just want the pearls. No, its more than the pearls. If you do this little thing, its a College Education for our kids. Its paying off the mortgage. Its a 57 tbird convertible clucking like chicken woodrow. Now you know how much i love money. I draw the line at clucking like a chicken. Oh, hey, who are you kidding, harlan . Stonewall could have you rollin around in shake and bake and still get change back from his dollar. Open envelope number two before i peck your eyes out. Hurry all right, all right. Oh, honey, come on. This is even funnier than the first envelope. Im sorry, but it is. You ready . You said you were the one person in town who wasnt chicken. Well, guess again, henny penny. In which case you must cluck like a Million Dollars depended on it. cause it does. What . wood. clucks this is rich. I mean, after all those years of lookin like a jackass, i think its kinda wonderful to see you move on to another animal. Looks like old stonewalls got you by the mcnuggets. Oh, honey, years from now, youre gonna look back on this and laugh. Oh, shes right. Dont you think so, wood . loud squawk there you are, mr. Mayor. The city council is voting today on whether to remodel the library, and i know our readers would love to know which side of the fence their distinguished mayor is sitting on. Wood. Well, i always knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. Would you like to move back home, darling . No, daddy. You see, the problem is that wood. clucks oh, im sorry, honey. The problem is that my husband has to cluck like a chicken whenever anyone says his name. Otherwise, hes not gonna get stonewall abbotts money. Is that a fact . Well, i hate to take advantage of a man who will do anything for money, but, uh, i always wondered, is this table. Wood . cluck youre right. That is fun. Ah, forget the library. I think i just found tomorrows lead story. Ive never been so humiliated in my life well, folks, i hold in my hands the third envelope. Hey, chicken lips. Its me, your favorite dead person. By now, my lawyers have sent your new partner his first letter. New partner . What new partner . Can he do that . Its his will, honey. He can do whatever he wants. If the two of you complete the rest of the envelopes, youll each get half a Million Dollars. Half a Million Dollars . half . i. I clucked all over town i wanna be a millionaire. Who is this guy . I dont know. The note doesnt say who it is. Look at it this way, though whoever it is, hes not gonna be brave enough . I am a pretty little dutch girl . . As pretty as pretty can be . . And all the boys in the neighborhood . . Are crazy over me . Ponder, what are you doing runnin around with Shelley Winters . I am only here to verify that harlan completes his task. However, for the ,1000 theyre giving me, i would be glad to strap on that dress. . I am. . Hold it just a second. How come youre gettin 1,000 if im only gettin 500 . Can he do that . Let me try this in a different language. S . Got it. Now open the fourth envelope. Because it cant get. Any uglier than this. . I am a pretty little dutch girl . . As pretty as pretty can be . Hey, you know, you were great, dad. Not a lot of guys can get away with an outfit like that without gettin beat up by a bunch of other guys. It doesnt get any better than this, does it . Sitting around in your own home with your dress on, having your children laugh at you. I thought that poultry stunt was a good story, but i may have to run a fullcolor supplement for this. You do what you want. Im a fullfigured gal, and im proud of it. Well, i think youre both charming, and if you dont collect the full million, then you made 35 in tips. I still dont understand why you get 1,000 and i only get 500. Will you let it go . Its easy for you to say let it go. Youre the one makin 500 more than i am. And since i have to listen to you, im earning every penny of it. Oh, be quiet. We opened that last envelope. Put it in the vcr. You put it in the vcr. Youre the one gettin 500 more dollars. Oh, give me the tape, you big baby. You big bossy. Hello. If you are watching this tape, and you want wood and harlan to get their Million Dollars, please turn around and look behind you now now turn back. Ha, i gotcha fast forward to the part where we get the money. Fast forward. If youre thinking about fast forwarding this, i warn you. Dont, because then you will miss seeing me do this. I kill myself. But before i do that, ponder, you are now making 1,200. Thats not fair. Now, herman, quit whining about that, or youll end up owing me money. Oh, speaking about money, your, uh, 1 million. Is on my desk here in this secondfloor study. Just get beyond my security system, and its all yours. Okay, lets go get our money. First, let me get out of my dress and put a pair of pants on. Now, if youll excuse me, ill go and blow myself up in a Lincoln Continental. Damn i wish it was the fourth of july come on, woodrow. If i can do it, you can do it. The only reason youre up there, harlan, is cause ponder and i shoved your big, fat butt i couldve gotten us in here in a minute. Wood or we could try the knob. Ponder so much for his security system. Herman sh be quiet. Wait, guys, guys. Hold it. My flashlight isnt workin. Im gonna run outside and see if i can find some oily rags or something to make some torches. Ponder or we can turn on the light. This is the desk, so lets get our moolah and slip back down. Or in your case, plummet. Hold that. Its very thin. There better be two 500,000 bills in here. It is not. Its another note. All yes. Well, i was wrong. Its on top of the chandelier. Can he do that . All yes all right, spot me, boys. Im goin up. Harlan, harlan. Dont stop me. Dont stop me thats a chandelier, not a suspension bridge. Ill do it. Now listen. 000 here, because im workin without a net. Hey, you know something . I dont see any envelope up there. Coach, do you see an envelope on your side . You gotta. screaming are you okay . Coach, coach. Hey, are you hurt . Why would i be hurt . I only flew 20 feet through the air and crashed through a glass door and landed on my head. Get away. Im a doctor. Hes fine. Did you get the money . Thank you for your concern. The envelope was underneath him. An envelope . ah, to hell with it i say we back a truck up to the house and steal all the stuff im not promising anything, but try the safe behind my portrait. Must be. The combination of the safe is 362436, which is also the combination to my nurse candy. 3826. No, 362436. loud ticking this is a very expensive timex or its a bomb. Well, i. I got a watch. You know something . Dollar for dollar, id have to say this whole adventure hasnt quite been worth it. Here, you hold it. Now, if this really is a bomb, woodrow, you should hold it very, very carefully and perfectly still. Sure. While i get the hell outta here. Not so fast theres another envelope. Well, give it to woodrow. Wait a minute can he do that . My god hes still alive very good, herman. Thats why you make the little bucks. Dr. Bray said you were dead. Some doctors will do anything for money. Thats a point. Now youre gonna get your butt kicked woodrow, kick his butt. Wow, you really mustve landed on your head. Stonewall was tryin to teach us a lesson. A very valuable lesson. You cant put a price on your dignity. Specially if you dont get the cash out front. What are you talkin about . That man just made you look like a cluckin idiot. No, i did that. I did it myself. We all did it ourselves for one reason greed. You know, the great teacher in life is humiliation. We all graduated with honors. But youve also been a very good sport. So, candy, lets show them what they have won. Its ricearoni, the San Francisco treat all exclaiming its pay day to be donated to a charity of your choice. Well, thats okay. I understand the High School Needs an electric scoreboard. You could do that and have enough cash left over to fix a game or two. Herman electric scoreboard . Hey, guys, im not gonna have to climb up and down that ladder anymore. One condition, however. To get the money, you must earn it. Earn it hawaiian music playing come on, herman. Show some leg. Whoo hooting and applause well, stonewall, im beginning to appreciate what makes you tick. Friendship and dignity are two things that even money cant buy, from a place called Evening Shade. Woman . Set in my ways . Losing track of the days . . Never getting caught up . . Love was never brought up . . Its not the thing to do . Both . Ooh . It was you . Then came you . You made me leap without taking a look . . Never thought forever was the best i could do . . Then came you . It was you and me and you . . Then came you . It was you and me and you . . Then came you smoked oysters. Why do we always have to have smoked oysters . Whats wrong with smoked oysters . Look at them. Theyre small, gray, and fishy, like my aunt melina