[ music ] the reason doc is not here tonight he came by a little earlier. He had to go to the dentist the other day. I donow going to the dentist is no fun, and he had a root canal for it, and he came back. He looked like a squirrel storing up nuts for the summer. [ laughter ] he tried to come in last night, so tom is filling in. If you just joined us we have betty white, jeff sideman. The mighty carson art players, and this man who is very funny. Comedian and actor. Just finished a movie called the best little whore house in texas. You see. Now, years ago you couldnt have said that. No. Youd have to say the best little house of fun. Couldnt have said that at all. No. Hell be performing at the westbury music fair on long island for one week starting november the 17th, and then hell be at valley forge, pennsylvania for a week starting december the 1st. Thats a cold time to be there as George Washington will tell you. [ laughter ] washington was also at valley forge, but not in a round. [ laughter ] what . When he was addressing the troops he was in the round. No. No. Washington always liked the proscenium stage. He never worked a round. Would you would you welcome dom deluise . [ music ] [ applause ] is that thats amazing. We almost didnt make it. You know. [ laughter ] oh, jeez. Wonderful. Yes. You put the joke in about the horse, and the mule, and just whatever. And then it doesnt work, and you laugh, and you make a living from not getting laughs. Thats right. [ laughter ] hes goes you do what you have to do. I know. I know. Thats nice when you come out. Italians are known for touching. I mean, embracing. I did without any feeling of being non macho. You know. Oh, are you kidding . Hey. Woah. No, i you know, i know what its from. I just did a movie where i spent eight weeks with people, and yod i didnt i didnt even think that i was kissing. Well, you werent kissing, but its nice to hug. Oh, hugging. You know, i see burt. I bite him. You know, on the ear, and stuff like that. Generally men dont do that in this country. Well its nice just to. Im going no. No. No. No. Play the same music. [ laughter ] dom deluise. [ applause ] [ laughter ] johnny, how are you . How you doing, john . [ laughter ] its nice to be here on the tonight show. [ laughter ] do you ever notice the more macho guys especially in football. Theres a lot of back yes. They touch. Oh, they had a wonderful time with me. The whole team could grab my at the same time. [ laughter ] theres room for everybody. You have been working on the picture the best little whore house in texas. Yes. Based on the broadway play with dolly parton. Yes. Oh, i have fallen in love with her. Shes a nice lady. She really is a nice gal. Talented. Dear. Sweet. Shes wonderful. You know, when i met her it took me about three days to get to know that she was pretty because, couldnt get past her neck. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . This is me looking at her. Can you see . This is me looking at her. Hello, dolly. [ laughter ] like a little puppy. You know. [ laughter ] i mean, shes gorgeous. She is ample as they say. Ample. The fact that she can stand up straight, i think, is really wonderful. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Yeah. And sometimes she jogs to work, and i have a big problem black eyes. [ laughter ] john, im not making this up. This is some and she has tiny little feet. [ laughter ] she does. Nothing grows in the shade. [ laughter ] [ applause ] how many thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. No. How many more of these descriptive jokes do you have . Is that about covered . That doesnt cover it because okay. [ laughter ] now, the name. People who are not familiar with that title would sound like thats a racey rather well, it is racey. You can refer to it as the chicken ranch if you like. Its less offensive. I think people do kind of straighten up, and say, oh, you know, you cant talk about that movie, but its a movie about human feelings, and its not offensive at all. No. There is nudity, but its not offensive to me. Yeah. I like that stuff, you know. [ laughter ] right . Yes. Did you have to did you have to work in this picture . Songs. Clothing. No. I wear clothes, but everybody else is nude. [ laughter ] not everybody. No. Not everybody. Not every single person, but theres a whole theres a raid on the chicken ranch that i that my character, melvin p. Thorpe, does, and i run in there, and kind of upset everybody in the middle of the night while theyre, you know, having chicken, and [ laughter ] they get surprised. Do you feel its like people they say if you went to a nude beach, embarrassed. You tell ive been to a club. Have you been to a nudist place . No. No. All nude people. Have you . Dont lie. [ laughter ] i know. I know. He said, one. One night. No. I never have. Well, all right. You know what happens . The first thing you do is take off your clothes because you dont want those people looking at you. [ laughter ] really. I tell you. Its only just that. You know, and then of course now, did you feel uncomfortable in this movie . They played volleyball when i was at the nudist camp, and then you dont you just your head. You get such a pain. [ laughter ] you dont know what to look at . Oh. Ah. Woah. Look at that. [ laughter ] you know, you get a neck it hurts your neck. Its terrible. What were you doing at a nudist camp to begin with . Steve allen said, would you like to interview nude people, and i said, no, so i did, and it was rather touching. It was really sweet. I mean, it was it turned out to be very nice. It wasnt they were all lovely people. You know. And now you talked about your father on the show a lot. Yes. How would your father have my father. Yeah. You mean seeing nude nudity, and i think he would have liked dolly a lot. I think [ laughter ] well. You know, because he liked meat and potatoes. [ laughter ] would you take now, what would your dad say . I mean he would say this. I no like this, and hed say, lets go. Hed say, just a minute. [ laughter ] i want to get this in my brain because i gonna [ laughter ] he would oh, sure. He would laugh. I think. He wasnt puritanical then. No. No. What does that mean . [ laughter ] well, you know. The puritan ethic type of thing. Well, he used to talk about witches. He said that once a witch got him. My father was very superstitious. Yeah. And he said that once a witch put a spell on him, and he says, i no can be with a gal. Understand, and i said, no could be with a girl. I said, a witch did that . He said, yes, but then i said, okay. He really thought the witch yes. He thought a girl made him, you know, for about a year he said he was impotent because a witch had put a curse on him. Because a witch, so he would have loved this. His impotence would have gone very quickly. Yes. I can see that. From meeting dolly. Okay. Can i talk about dolly for a moment . Yeah. Ive got to do a commercial first. Because i went trick or treating with her, and id like to tell you about that. Well, id like to hear about it. We can can we do this first . Yeah. Oh, sure. Okay. Say money right . You can say money. Sure. [ laughter ] say money. Yeah. Well be right back after this. [ music ] [ applause ] were talking with dom deluise, and betty white is here, and jeff siemon, and were going to seinfeld, and the mighty carson art players will perform later. Now, were talking about dolly parton. Well, we got to be friends on this movie, and had you ever met her before . Or outside of just i met her. I met her once at a meeting but theres something about here. You know when you meet somebody, and then you start realizing that she is as sweet as you think she is . Yeah. And then its a revelation to you, so on thanksgiving i said, im going to go trick or treating with my kids, and she said, oh. Why would you go on thanksgiving . [ laughter ] because i made a mistake. How sweet of you to mention it. [ laughter ] i thought it was a new italian holiday i wasnt familiar with. That you went out later than the rest of us. Ah, im sorry. You went on halloween. Give me a break. Halloween. Good. Right. Thats before thanksgiving. Yes. [ laughter ] you dirty rat. All right, so anyway. Its that part when you get dressed up funny, and you ask for candy. Yeah. Halloween. Halloween, so i said, im going to go out trick or treating with my kids, and she said, can i come, and i said, really . Well, you know dolly is very recognizable with the hair, and all the rest of her, so im going to dress up, so anyway. She came to my house. Right . She walked in, and i didnt recognize her. She was a pregnant hillbilly. She had on a she was pregnant. You know, with a pillow. Right. And she had on freckles, and her hair was kind of wherever it was. I dont know, but it was she had like a big bandana on her head. She had eyebrows like groucho marx, and she had pencil marks, and red, red cheeks. Big red lips, and every other tooth was blacked out. This is something she wanted to do. This is dolly parton. Well, now. Prince with a purple cape, and stuff, and so we went out with my kids, so theres a little kid, david. He was a beat up bum with you know, he was a bum, and michael was a motorcycle guy, so we opened the door. I mean, the person came and said or one guy said, isnt there an age requirement . [ laughter ] because im a big person. Right, so then another guy gave out candy to david, candy to michael, and then he looked, [ laughter ] gave her candy, you know, and then and in fact max was there, so there was another kid. Now theres a guy who gives out pomegranates. Right, so hes got a tree, and hes got pomegranates, so he gave one pomegranate to me. Looked a little funny. Sighed. Gave one to david, one to max, one to and then he gave two to dolly. [ laughter ] i thought that was sweet. Cute. But we did it for an hour. [ laughter ] we did it for an hour and a half, and im telling you. We went its like going back to childhood. Ive never done that. Usually im saying, david, get away from that bush. Michael, give him back his candy. And youre out there dressed up in a purple cape. I was in a purple cape, and i had a great time. It was wonderful. Were all children at heart. Well, you wouldnt do that. Would you dress up funny . [ laughter ] and go to peoples house in disguise. You couldnt disguise yourself. Im not a big costume person. I dont generally like costume parties, and ill tell you why. On the crazy costume. I go naked with a raisin in my [ laughter ] you know what im saying . People put on outlandish outfits. You know there, and the first 30 seconds everybody goes, oh, thats hysterical, and youre stuck the rest of the night in that stupid outfit. [ laughter ] after everybody has seen it, and youve got to walk around that way the rest of the night. Yeah, but you have to drink, and take drugs. [ laughter ] but a good costume. You know, to keep up the fun, but a very good costume is a raisin. You put a raisin in your navel. You walk in forward, and you are a raisin cookie. If the raisin fall you turn around. You become a pocket house roll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you go to you go to a different level of parties than i do. Obviously. [ laughter ] well, Elizabeth Taylor does that. Somebody told me. She gets dressed up, and oh, yeah. With a raisin . Get with it, john. Get with it. Yes. Elizabeth taylor dresses up, and goes, and gets candy. Thats how she gained. I mean, the fun part. Shes brilliant in her show little foxes. Really. Yeah. I havent seen it yet. And maureen stapleton. Oh, you havent seen it . No. Its really good. Its about this family that wants to kill each other. [ laughter ] its a lot of laughs. You know. [ laughter ] speaking of your family. Do you get together on holidays . I mean, outside of i do. We get together. I love my family. I just love them. I really feel very blessed. I mean, i got i have a job, and then i go home, and i have a family, and i love it. Thats great. You know, its a little scary because thanksgiving is coming up. Im going to be in new york, and we tend to eat until somebody dies. Oh. [ laughter ] you mean you really binge it out on thanksgiving. Oh, please. You know what an antipasto is . All those wonderful things, and then theres a soup, and theres sausage, and then a wonderful soup, and you know. Its escrow great, you know, and already youre getting a little sleepy from the soup, and then lasagna, and then when you make the sauce theres, you know, meatballs and sausages, and then that comes on. You know, a little salad, and then they bring out a turkey, and they go, following the lasagna and sausage with a turkey . You dont eat no. You just have a little bit until finally the bird just somebody. Bite me. [ laughter ] we have no use for the bird. We have no used for the bird. The bird becomes the centerpiece. Thats right. Its a centerpiece. Thats it. You know what i mean . All right. Were going to take a little break here. Fabulous. Then we will be back. Yes. Well, we dont know. It could be fabulous, but then the mighty carson art players. Th well, well find out. [ music ] thank you, tommy. Many americans are upset by a recent Court Decision that made videotaping of tv shows at home illegal. Now, the mighty carson art players would like to show you what that decision could lead to if the government chose to enforce that law to the limits. The Us Ninth Circuit Court of appeals ruled that videotaping a tv show violates copyright laws, and is therefore a federal crime. The next day the enforcement of this court ruling is placed in the hands of a special Government Task force headed by well know federal agent elliott nielsen, and his video untouchables. [ music ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is video untouchables. Elliott nielson, federal agent in charge. Whats that . Thank you. Rico. Young blood. Get in here. [ laughter ] yes, chief. Yes, chief. I have just received an anonymous tip on the telephone. What is it, chief . Its that black instrument there on my desk. [ laughter ] no, chief. I think he meant what was the tip. Well, men. First you know it was bootleg now the most disgusting, deprived practice ever committed by a human being. What . Video taping tv shows in the home. Now, monday night football was heard coming out of this home tuesday morning. [ laughter ] six oclock news was heard coming out of this house at 9 30. Now, my informant informs me that at this very moment the Wilson Family is taping a Television Show in their own home. Its right here at the corner of schrumm and grant. Lets roll. [ laughter ] rico. I think this is your hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. This is your hat. No. This is give me his hat. [ music ] no. Thats my hat. They sped on their way to the sight of the alleged crime in progress. Rico, i told you to do that before you left the office. But i cant wait, chief. [ laughter ] not my hat. I said, give him your hat. Thats ricos hat. No. Thats my hat. Give me my hat. Whats wrong with you clowns . Rico, thats my give me my hat. [ music ] [ phone ringing ] [ applause ] hello . Hi, honey. Oh, you wont be able to be home is this phone safe . All right. Ill tape the ball game for you, and be careful coming home, honey. Yesterday they set up a video road block, and arrested the fergusons with a kilo of leave it to beaver reruns. [ laughter ] goodbye, honey. Are you kids done with your homework . Yes. Yes. We are. Can we watch the can we watch the program on tv . Oh, yes, hun, but just remember alrighty. Got your ammo . Draw your tv guides. [ laughter ] young blood. What time is it . 8 00 oclock, chief. Rico. Mmmhmm. Whats on . Magnum pi, mark and mindy, harper valley. Oh. Oh. Stella fights off the advances of cassies Old High School sweetheart at a class reunion. Just the names of the show, rico. Oh, look. [ laughter ] thats on cable. Oh, what time is it on . Youll say that until you hit puberty, young blood. . Its a Beautiful Day . . In this neighborhood . Wait a minute. What show is that . I know. I know. Young blood. Thats mr. Rogers neighborhood. I watch at 8 00 oclock every morning. A morning show being watched at night. Weve got ourselves a crime in progress here. Algh this is Elliot Nielson of the video untouchables. We know youre watching an illegal videotape in there. Oh, no. Its the heat. Quick. Stevie, get rid of the evidence. [ laughter ] freeze. [ applause ] remember, son. Always wash your hands afterwards like a good american. And always remember to put the seat down afterward. Never mind, rico. Mrs. Harriet wilson, youre under arrest for committing a federal crime. Video taping a Television Show for your own use. Elliot nielsen. Video untouchables. We have a search warrant. Rico. Young blood. You kids sit down there. Maybe youre untouchable, but im not. Why dont we get rid of these jerks, and you can show me the long arm of the law . [ laughter ] as a federal agent i took a solemn oath while on the job not to smoke, drink, or work up a sweat. [ laughter ] whats that in the toaster . Is ready. What is it . Its a panasonic danish. [ laughter ] kind of tasty, but a little bit on the stringy side. [ laughter ] my gut instinct tells me that youre hiding something. Well, suck in your gut instinct, snub nose. Im not hiding nothing. Oh, wait a minute. What do you got in there . Ah hah. Talk about the boob tube. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thats a blank tape. Theres nothing illegal in there, copper. Ill tell you. I promise you that thats that ought to shrivel your nightstick. [ laughter ] it appears to be a blank tape, mam. Well, youre right. Weve committed a weve committed a federal error. On behalf of rico, young blood, and myself. We like to send our heartiest even a federal officer can make a mistake. Well, beautiful little fishes youve got there. [ laughter ] hi, little fellow. A couple of your fish seem to be allegedly dead here. [ music ] wait a minute. All right. The video jig is up. Up against the wall. All right. Ill get you. [ laughter ] oh, elliot. Your hands feel so strong. Why dont we s in the other room, and i could snap your brim. [ laughter ] lady justice is the only broad that blocks my hat. Bookem. Beano. I mean, rico. Right, chief. Come on, kid. [ music ] chief. Chief. The hells angels are attacking the orphanage next door. Is anybody videotaping it . No. Then forget it. Were only concerned with serious crimes. All right. Rico, give me your hat. This is mrs. Wilsons hat. All right. Move along. Get out of here. Come on now. Hey. Thats my hat. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. [ applause ] Harriet Wilson was convicted in a federal court of conspiring to videotape the mr. Rogers tv show. [ music ] [ music ] thank you, tom. We are back, and we have ms. Betty white who will be out in a while. That was fun. That was hard work. A little ambitious for us. But it was good though. We get up, and we give it a shot. It was like a movie. Are you kidding me . It had sets, and shoot to film. Betty is going to come out, and be with us later. Right now is a very funny young man. Hes off to a very good start as a standup comedian, and hell be opening for Andy Williams december 8th through the 13th at the carlton in bloomington, minnesota. Would you welcome [ applause ] hey. Hows everybody doing . Well, good. Good. Ive been doing pretty good. Ive been working a lot, and making some money. The bank noticed i was making some money, and said, hey. Lets give this kid some credit cards. See if he can hold onto it. [ laughter ] they gave me credit cards. These things are terrible. You just spend and spend. Theres no paying. There should be some paying when you use these things. Shouldnt there . I thth when they run it over the card. [ laughter ] theyre always making it fun. They gave me checks with the scenes on the checks. Have you got these . They gave me sports scenes. I dont need that. Im writing out checks. Sweating it out paying big bills. On the checks. People golfing. Skiing. Having a great time. [ laughter ] im not having a great time. Id like to see bums and dead people. [ laughter ] i can look at them, and think, well, at least i got a couple of bucks. [ laughter ] so im going home in a few weeks for the holidays. Visit my parents. Thats really exciting. Ive got to buy pajamas. Get ready. [ laughter ] pajamas pajamas have got to be the worlds funniest clothes. Who designed pajamas . Why do they make them look like a tiny suit . [ laughter ] they give you a little collar. Button down, and a breast pocket. Theres a useful item. [ laughter ] is anybody using the breast pocket on your pajamas . What do you put a pen in there . You roll over in the middle of the night. You kill yourself. [ laughter ] i also bought slippers which i never had before in my life. I never had them, and i went, and i picked them out. Theres two kinds you can get. You can get the slide in. These are like emergency slippers. [ laughter ] oh, yeah. You can set these up by the side of the bed in case of a fire. Hey. You pick them right up. You get right out. [ laughter ] you save a lot of time, or you can get the ones with the backs which are kind of like shoes which if you have pajamas this completes the event. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, you just get yourself a flannel briefcase. Youre all set. [ laughter ] you oversleep. Just go right into work. Theres no problem. [ laughter ] i also bought one other thing ive got to tell you. Boxer shorts. A very controversial item. I know a lot of ladies dont like boxer shorts, but ill tell you something. Ladies, they really help you create a more honest relationship with a man. Lets say youre having an argument. Hes just wearing his boxer shorts. Hes got to be honest with you. I mean, theyre down to here. Theyre out to here. He cant come out with a line like, look, babe. Youll never do better than this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i do i do my own wash. Thank you very much. [ laughter ] i wash everything on the gentle cycle. To me this is much more humane. [ laughter ] i mean, its so nice. You could put a baby in there. You wont hurt him. [ laughter ] oh, its a gentle cycle. I would really like to know what goes on in there. What is what is so gentle . So delicate. The machine doesnt want you to know. You notice that . Its very private. As soon as you lift up the lid it stops immediately. [ laughter ] its like would you close the door please . Im doing a very delicate cycle. [ laughter ] so im all set. Ive got everything i need. Im going back. Im going to get on a plane. I love flying on planes. Its a lot of fun. They always give you that little show. The seat belts. The oxygen masks, and then they point out to you this very vague point. The emergency exits. [ laughter ] [ applause ] where are they . [ applause ] thank you very much. Good night. [ applause ] very good young comedian. His name is jerry seinfeld. Hes going to do very well. I wrote all that material. [ laughter ] betty white will join us in just a moment. [ music ] [ applause ] thank you, tom, and of course we all know. Betty, of course, along with helping us out tonight will be appearing on bob hopes next special which airs on november 22nd. Shell be on an upcoming segment of love sydney, and its always a pleasure to have her here. Would you welcome, please, ms. Betty white . [ applause ] [ music ] oh. I thank you for going through this madness with us. Oh, i thats always such fun. Its like the early days to put a sketch together, and you get up, and you go. You do, and all of a sudden i got up there, and i you saw that glazed look. You know, and i dropped the line because just as i went to inhale. I had stashed the tape down in there, and unlike your friend that goes trick or treating. I felt something slip, and i had visions of it popping out, and then my mind went blank. It makes no difference. We had fun. How are you . Fine. Good to see you. Thank you. Youve been working a lot. Havent you . Been working a lot, and having fun. Been keeping cant a and im writing, and producing a show over in hawaii. A fundraiser. Yeah. Edith head and i were putting on a fashion show with all ediths Academy Award winning clothes, and i was getting the animals for it at the raw hawaiian, and we lost edith, so were going to do the show as a tribute to her. Thats nice. And still have all her fashions, and all the animals, and surprise celebrities, and its an exciting, scary thing to do. You were out lining up the animals. I was out lining up the animals, and the guests, and the sound, and the models, and the and its not my thing at all. Yeah, but youre involved with the with the animals i am. Yeah. The animals i can do. Were going to have its going to be Joan Crawfords outfit for instance. A wonderful thing we had designed for her, and i thought for that id have doberman pinschers maybe. That would be nice. Yes. [ laughter ] now, dont be ugly about doberman pinschers. No. [ laughter ] how how much do you know about nature . You dont i brought a little quiz. Well, ive had wead all the time with animals. Do you want to do a quiz . Ill try anything. Well, i thought well, i saw that a little while ago. Well, sure. That was like going back about 30 years to live tv. Wasnt it . Mmmhmm. What is this . A quiz on what . Before my time. Animals . This is a nature fact or fiction. True or false. Sure. You cant go too far wrong. Elephants live to be several hundred years old. Thats thats wrong. Okay. Youre they dont. Youve made that much. Seventy or eighty. An elephant usually shows signs of senility at 50 like some of the rest of us, fifty. Fact or fiction. What was that again . Excuse me. [ laughter ] only the female mosquito ever bites you. Thats true. Thats true. Thats true. Only the female mosquito sucks blood. The male is content with nectar and other plant juices. [ laughter ] doesnt call for any additional comment. [ laughter ] nectar never laid a glove on her. Fact or fiction. Squirrels have an accu memory for the places they have buried nuts. No. [ laughter ] no. I know. You know. Now, you may not believe this, but i read this a couple of months ago that squirrels very often forget completely where they have stored [ laughter ] and can practically starve to death in the winter because theyve forgotten where they put them. Is that true . [ laughter ] absolutely true. Some of my best friends its absolutely true. Squirrels frequently forget where they hide part of their trove. We sometimes call it part of their trove. Their poor memory is an important factor in the propagation of the forests. Absolutely. And the florist, too. [ laughter ] fact or fiction. Yes. Venomous snakes are immune to their own poison. That i dont know. I have no idea. Well, you cant have that. We dont have an i dont know. We have a fact or fiction. Wrong. Wrong. Okay. True. Oh, you see. I told you i didnt know. Snakes are also immune to the venom of other snakes the venom of a different species, however, can poison them. See. I didnt know that. They forget where they put their fangs. [ laughter ] they dont have fact or fiction. Right. Beavers use their tails as trowels. [ laughter ] dont ask me no questions. [ laughter ] beavers use their beavers use their tails as trowels when building their dams. I dont think thats true. False. Thats false. Yeah. As a rudder in swimming. Thats right. Or as a prop when standing on its hind feet. [ laughter ] he hires a squirrel to finish the dam. [ laughter ] its a treat to be no. Thats another story. Fact or fiction. If you cut an earthworm in two. Yes. Each half will become a new worm. Thats true. Gotcha. False. Oh. The earthworm the earthworms head end will grow a new tail, su well, thats what i meant. [ laughter ] the piece of tail will be killed. You know its what do you have left if you just cut off the head, and that grows . An angry worm. [ laughter ] a very disturbed worm. Thats what you have. No. The thing youre left with is just a piece of tail. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and you know that gets you nowhere. Fact or fiction. [ laughter ] this show is degenerating into the pits. Thats where its going. Of nature. Im trying. Fact or fiction. A wild animal is more likely to attack you if you are afraid of it. Absolutely. Absolutely true. They can sense it. Most savage animals are peculiarly infuriated by human terror. Possibly as some naturalists believe because a frightened person gives off a scent of fear. That is true. [ laughter ] well be back in a moment. Stay where you are. Si [ applause ] hey. I want to thank you so much. Its always great to see you. Oh, its wonderful to be here. Well see you on bobs show the 22nd. [ applause ] have a nice night. [ music ] . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Threes company, too . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . Hi. I brought up your mail. The mailman must have put it in my box by mistake. Oh, mr. Furley, thanks. Thats real nice of you. Whats this . They want money to save the whales. I got one, too. Out. Well, you shouldnt do that. Whales are an endangered species. Thats right. If we dont save them, who will . Oh, saving whales. Thats ridiculous. You ought to do what i do. Save stamps. They take up less room and they dont get your carpet all soggy. Isnt that a whale of a joke . Oh. If he keeps telling jokes like that phone ringing ill get it. Hello. No, jacks not home. Whos calling, please . Lee tripper. Lee tripper . whos lee tripper . I dont know. Who are you . Its jacks brother. Hi no, im chrissy. Shes janet. Oh, jackll be so sorry he missed your call. Well, great. Sure, well be home. Okay. Oh, well, jackll be so excited when i tell him. Okay. Bye. Janet, guess what . Jacks brothers in town, and hes coming over. Who told you . Im psychic. Oh, hi, girls. Isnt it a Beautiful Day . The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Well, hell be here in a few hours. Oh, nuts. Whats the matter . Dont you like your brother . I love him. Hes a wonderful person. Its just that i cant stand him. Youre not making sense. No. Its. Look, um, wait. Ill show you something. Boy, if my brother were coming to visit, id be happy. You dont have a brother, chrissy. Thats why id be happy. I always wanted one. You want to see what lee looks like . Yeah. Got some old photographs. Come here, chrissy. Ow theres plenty of room. Stop shoving. Look. Oh, look. Jack, you were a handsome little boy. Thats lee. Oh. Whos the cute little girl standing next to him . Thats me. My hair was longer then. He had thicker socks on. I didnt even know you had a brother. You never talk about him. I dont talk about my grandmother but ive got one and shes taller than me, too. Boy, your brother was some athlete. There he is winning the 100yard dash. There he is getting a trophy for first place in the tennis tournament. Yeah, chrissy but theres more to life than coming in first. And there you are doing it. Oh, gosh, lee was a scholar, too. Look at this. Class valedictorian. Boy, if your brothers smart and handsome and good in sports whats wrong with him . Theres nothing wrong with him. Thats whats wrong with him. Boy. That sounds like something youd say. Imagine how hard it was growing up with a brother who was perfect. Was. stammering i dont even talk good around him. Oh, jack come on, relax. We happen to think you are the greatest. Yeah. Oh, its no contest. Face it, girls he makes a great living and he gets to travel to all these places. And what am i . Im just a lousy student at cooking school. Aw, jack, youre not a lousy student. Youre a good student. No. Jack, and youre a good cook. Hes not a good cook, janet. Hes a great cook. No, hes not a great cook. He is the greatest cook. Well . Thats it. Thats enough. I am a great cook. Im a better cook than he is. Ill show him. I cant wait for lee to get here. Where you going . Ill cook up something thatll send lees taste buds right up to the woof of his mouf. The roof of his. Okay, give me all your sevens. Go fish. Ladies, this time i have outdone myself. Behind that door stands the worlds greatest quiche. Another minute in the oven and it will be baked to perfection. Oh, great. Im starving now. Nobody eats until lee gets here. Oh, jack, please . Okay, okay, chrissy. Ill give you a little quiche. Quiche me, you fool. Oh, jack. doorbell ringing ill get it. Oh, no, thats him. Look at me. Look at me. Im shaking. Its just your brother. Oh. Jack, wait. Hi. Hi. Im lee tripper. You must be janet. I must. I mean. I am ja. I am. Imim janet. Jacks description didnt do you justice. It didnt . laughing yes. But dont let that stop you. Janet, arent you going to invite jacks brother in . What . Who . Oh, yes, of course. Come in. Oh, im sorry. Come on in here. Right in here. Hi. Welcome to the family. Pardon . You and jack are brothers. Janet and i are like sisters and jacks more like a brother than a roommate so its like were all related. You must be chrissy. Youre even more stunning than jack said you were. Well, looky whos here. Hey, lee, hows it going . Oh, great. Good to see you. Good to see you. When are you leaving . Ill be in town for a couple of days. Janet uh, lee, would you. You care to sit down . Thank you. Sure. Jack, this is, uh. Well, lee, um. Gosh, are you here on business . Not exactly. My company flew me in for dinner. Why . Dont they have restaurants where you live . Yes, but my companys having its annual manoftheyear banquet. I won again. Isnt that two years in a row . Three. Actually, i was hoping you could help me out. I need a date for the dinner tonight. Well. I thought you might know a girl whod enjoy a night of dancing, champagne, caviar. That sort of thing. I dont know anybody like that. Maybe janet or chrissy would go. Id love to. Oh, i cant. I have plans tonight. Youre out of luck. Chrissy, you free tonight . Yes then i guess youre the lucky one. Chrissy, you cant have dinner with lee tonight. The special dinner im making. Oh, my god, the quiche oh. Well, id better go. I have to check into my hotel. Uh, chrissy ill pick you up at 8 00. And by the way, its formal. Oh, okay. Well, ill call you mr. Tripper and you can call me miss snow. Ill see you later. I got to get dressed. Ill show you out. Thank you. Oh. Jack. Its a little overdone. What was it . Quiche. I dont suppose youd like a piece. Charcoals not my favorite food. I didnt think so. You know, you havent changed a bit. Aha what were you doing . Uh, nothing. I was just going to step out and get a little fresh air. Really . I thought you were waiting up for chrissy. Oh, come on, janet, dont be ridiculous. Were you . Yes. You know what i think, jack . Maybe youre a little jealous of your brother. Me jealous . Oh, come. Im just worried about a friend. You can stop worrying. Your friend is just doing your brother a favor. Thats all. Shes not interested in him. chrissy laughing there she is now. Ill bet you she couldnt wait to get home. Did you have a nice time . Sy, uh, excuse me. Hello . Hi. humming dance tune oh, chrissy is such a marvelous dancer. I havent had a partner like her since i won. Both first place in the allcity ballroom dance competition. Uh, chrissy, you had a real rotten time tonight, didnt you . Say yes. Whats so funny . I dont remember. Tonights just a great big blur. janet chuckles chrissy, you must remember some things. Well, i remember that there was a lot of water and things were going round and round. You went to a laundromat . Theres a fountain outside the ocean view plaza hotel. laughing chrissy. Chrissy, have you been drinking . No. Ng to make you some very strong black coffee. Im all right. Five champagne cocktails. Wait, wait, wait. Five . Thats right. You said three just now. Yeah. Three and five is eight. Come on. All right, lee, what was that at the door . Jack, that was just a simple good night kiss. Oh, sure. Did anything happen between you two tonight . I dont know what you mean. You know what i mean. Oh, you mean. Thats exactly what i mean. Of course not. I would never try that with a girl on the first date. Thank goodness. Of course, im seeing chrissy again tomorrow night. But that will be the second date. Jack, you always were good at math. Bye. Class valedictorian. First place, 100yard freestyle. doorbell ringing first in this first in that. First in everything. He was even firstborn. Good news, jack. Im here to fix that sink youve been complaining about. Oh, good, now everythings perfect. Hey, whats the matter with you . You dont seem to be your usual gay self. No offense. But you do seem to be a little down. I am. Is there anything old ralph could do to help . No, mr. Furley. Its my brother he upsets me. Well, i can relate to that. See, hes in town and whenever im around him, i just. I feel bad about myself, you know . I know exactly how you feel. You and i have got something in common. When i was growing up my parents told me i was. Thats terrible. They tried to be nice. I remember they used to take us to the beach. Well, that sounds like fun. I hated it. Bart buried me in the sand. Mr. Furley a lot of little kids bury each other in the sand. Head first . And you really want to hear something . After my brother lost all of his baby teeth he used to steal mine so hed get the money from the tooth fairy. While you were asleep . No, out of my mouth when i was awake. Wasnt he a pistol . I dont feel so bad about growing up with lee. Thanks a lot, mr. Furley. I feel better. Wait. Arent you going to fix our sink . I cant. Im so depressed talking about my brother ive got to go lie down. Look who i saw downstairs. Oh, mr. Furley, have you met jacks brother . Whats the matter with him . Hes just, uh. Hes allergic to brothers. Well, i love mine. And i love this beautiful weather youre having. Lee, its been cloudy all morning. The suns always shining when im near chrissy. Which reminds me, are you busy tonight . Yes, she is. Shes having dinner with me. I am . Were going to chez robaire. A quiet little dinner, just the two of us, remember . Thats a shame. Tonights my last night in town. I was hoping. You cant win them all. Sometimes you just. Me . You want to take me to dinner . You are my brother. We havent had a chance to talk in a long time. You two go out, and ill stay home. We insist you come with us, right, jack . Yes. No you dont want chrissy to come . No, i dont want to go with you. Then its just chrissy and me. No, wait. Youll come with us . Yes. No. Yes. Ill pick you up at 7 00. Wait, wait, wait. Hows it going, jack . I dont want to talk about it. Hes mad at his brother again. Hey, what happened . I dont know how he did it but somehow he managed to invite himself out to dinner with chrissy and me. Oh, no kidding . I sure wouldnt want to be in your brothers shoes. What . Oh, come on, jack. Wheres the one place that nobody can compete with you . My bedroom . Where are you going tonight . A restaurant . A french restaurant. Oh, thats even better. Isnt that your specialty, french cuisine . Your brother cant compete with you there. Janet, i see what you mean. Jack, listen, you should be a good sport about it, okay . Dont you embarrass your brother too much. No, ill try not to. Jack, this is a very fancy place. Oh, yes. Chez robaire is one of the finest restaurants in the city. They know me here. Good evening. Robaire, how are you this evening . My name is maurice. Ah, yes, maurice. Yes. Well, when you see robaire, please give him my best. We would like a quiet table for trois somewhere away from the kitchen if you please . Have you a reservation . Uh. Actually no. Then im afraid i cannot help you. We are completely booked this evening. Um, sir. Excuse me, excuse me. Are you quite certain . Terribly sorry. It was a terrible misunderstanding. But of course, i have a table for you. Merci. See, i was. It was a terrible misunderstanding. A table for three in a quiet corner, you said . Jack i said that. He didnt say that. Lee chrissy. Mademoiselle. Thank you. Monsieur. Mais merci. Monsieur. Merci bien. Uh. I cant read this menu. No, no, no, no. Tut. Its in french. Allow me. Now then, lets start off with les fleurs de mer fumes. Though un consomme germain aux crotons dor sounds very interesting. I see you have the boudin blanc cinq valute. Oui. Thats wonderful, jack. Oui, monsieur. Permettez moi de vous dit que cetes votre choix etait excellent. Vous desirez quelque chose autre avant quelque . Mon frere, a dit quil ne cest parler que la nouriture mais cest surement ca facon dit a lui de faisez netais bien quil cest vrai que nous americans ne sont pas doue pour les langues des etrangers, hm . Merci, monsieur. Excuse me. Well have what hes having. Boy, that was so good. It was delicious. Thank you. My pleasure, chrissy. Im just glad i was here to order for you. Well, i picked the restaurant. True, and you almost got us a table. Anyone care for dessert . Oh, not for me. My waistline, you know. Yes, ill have the gateau chocolat sil vous plait. I see you have tarte aux pomme a la normande. Thats very tricky to make. You have to roll the dough away from you. See, thats the secret because if you knead the dough toward you it can be very messy. Thats all right. Ill be right back. Its hopeless, chrissy. Whenever im around him, i just cant do anything right. Oh, jack see that . Im just a klutz. I thought at least here i could beat him. Oh, jack, youre not a klutz. I mean, dont you see . Its no contest. Well, dont rub it in. No, i mean, i would much rather spend an evening with you than with your brother. Oh, sure. Brother lee were a cake hed be all icing. But youre all cake with a lot of layers. I dont get it. What do you mean . Youre real, hes not. Oh, chrissy. But lees a winner. Remember that pittsburgh ballplayer willie star trek . Whatever. When willie steps up to home plate to hit that winning touchdown the crowd goes wild. Well, i dont blame them. Its because willie is doing it for the team and for them. With your brother, hes just doing it for himself to say, look how good i am. I mean, really, i feel kind of sorry for him. You feel sorry for lee . Yeah. Hes so predictable. Chrissy, but you know. When he comes back hell say, dont worry about the suit. I have another one at home just like it. Oh, lee, im really sorry. Look, dont worry about the suit. Ive got another one at home just like it. Whats so funny . Nothing. Suddenly i feel really good about myself. Im really sorry about spilling. I just cant imagine going through life doing things like that. I know Something Else you cant do. Whats that . You cant hit a touchdown with a baseball bat. Oh, jack hes a. Hes a. Nude . Yeah all the girls in the class are crazy about him. Oh, isnt it funny how young girls are so easily impressed with a mans build. Yeah. Just refreshin shopping for you . Well, why not, youll certainly do it better than stanley. Oh, great. You know jenny, if you werent living with us you know what we would be having for dinner tonight . Stanleys favorite liver and hotcakes. Why dont you get us three nice steaks, okay . Mrs. Roper, i hope youre not going to any trouble just for me. Im really not that fussy. You mean you wouldnt mind having liver and hotcakes . You know what jennys been doing . Looking for somewhere else to live . Shes been drawing my picture. Show him, jenny. What do you think . Very nice. Very nice. You left out a few wrinkles. Its too bad about your liver. For groceries. Are you crazy, a girl like that. Whats to prevent her from keeping the money and running off . Where to, the riviera . Okay helen, but dont say i didnt warn you. How could i forget, you been warning me every 2 minutes ever since we invited her to move in here. We didnt invite her to move in here. She broke in here, remember . At first and then we invited now shes running off with your money. Oh, stanley. Oh, hey, is your car running . Why, you want me to go after her . No, i want you to drive me to my sister ethels. The car is not running. Stanley i hate to go to your sisters. Why . One, shes a stuck up snob. Two, she makes me park a block away. But my mother is staying with her. There for a week and i want to see her. I want you to see her, but my battery, my plugs and my fuel pump all arent working. Well, ill just have to ask mama to come and stay with us. I didnt say i couldnt get the car started. Here we are, mother. Yes. Isnt stanley having tea . He may be. But im married to hubert. Yes. Oh this is a nice magazine. Yes, isnt it. We like to keep up with the newest thing in antiques. Well, i dont know why. Stanleys too cheap to buy anything. Horse went for 20,000. Oh, its ming. Theyre collectors items. Yes, i know. Your father had one. Oh really . Now i want you to try one of. What . He brought it back from the orient years ago. Father did . Yes. He told me he won it playing fantan on a sampan in as this . Or was it playing sampan on a fantan . Who cares . Now, was it the same as this horse . Oh yes. Dont you remember . It used to sit on top of the radio. We had some lovely plaster ducks too. Never mind the plaster ducks. What happened to the horsey, mama . , to. No,. I think ethel has it. Im ethel. Well then it must be helen. Yes, helen. Oh my goodness, 20,000. Shouldnt someone tell her . No. Yes. Ill get on it right helen . Im in the bedroom. Come on up. Its no use, i cant get it started. For heavens sake, i just wanted you to help me make the bed. Im talking about the car. It wont budge. Oh. To fix it. She got it started the last time. That was an accident. Your car is an accident. Hello. Hello ethel, this is helen. I mean, hello helen, this is ethel. I just wanted to let you know how much mother is enjoying her visit. Oh, well she can tell me herself. Im coming over to see her. Whats the matter with her . Shes in bed with the flu. And i just thought while she was resting maybe id drop by and see you. What for . No special reason. Just to have a nice little chat. Ill see you shortly. Darling. Darling . That ropers car is a disgrace. Whats it doing now . What its always doing. Lowering our property values. Sitting out front with its hood up. I could swear it belched at me. Well, now that ive caught you in a good mood. Im sorry, ann. Whats on the night at tommys house i thought this would be a good time to. Oh, so do i. Ill just slip out of these old clothes and mix us a couple of drinks. Let me finish jeffrey. I want to tell you about my surprise. You little devil, you. What is it . White mice. White mi no, a real mouse. You see davids been pestering me for weeks to get him one. Oh ann, you cant be serious. I know you. A little rodent running around loose youd be a nervous wreck. Jeffrey, its something david him something nice. A pocket calculator is nice. But you cant feed it or take care of it or watch it grow. Watch it grow . His friend tommy has white mice. His friend tommy doesnt live at royal dale townhouses. Ann, can you imagine what would happen if some hysterical woman neighbor saw a mouse . But jeffrey. Ann, im sorry, a mouse for david is out of the ques. [jeffrey screeching] [doorbell rings] coming. Ethel helen come on in and sit down. Can i get you something . Coffee, oh no, thank you. I just dropped by to talk to you about daddy. Daddy . Our daddy. Now i know that you think im overly sentimental about him. You called him a drunken fool. I was joking with him. It was at his funeral. I was trying to hide my grie i do not have one single thing to remember him by. Well, what sort of thing . Oh, you know, a souvenir. A lock of hair, a faded photograph, a china horse. Oh, i may be able to to help you there. Really helen, i wasnt hinting or anything. This. Oh no, its far too precious. Dont you have anything else . Well. Remember that battered old thing that used to sit on top of the radio . Our cat . No, a china thing. A horse i believe. I think it passed into your clutches, uh hands. Oh yh, junk. I dont see it. Where . I mean in the storage room. Or maybe in the garage. I can get stanley to dig it out for you. When . Tomorrow. Tomorrow . Unless theres some special reason you want to have it right away. Oh no, no. Tomorrow will be i found something better. Oh no i thought you threw it out in the trash. They refused to take it. I hope its not ruined. [bugle blast] sounds as good as ever. Did somebody step on the dog . Boogiewoogie bugle boy from forestlawn. What would you like to hear . Never mind that. Did you find the horse for ethel . Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Oh, thats nice. Its a piece of junk. It looks like a ming. No, its a horse. No, i mean its from the ming dynasty. Were studying about them at art school. Hey, i bet thats what that bottles. Now im not saying that this is a real ming. If it was would it be worth anything . If its ming, a lot of money. Really . Enough to keep you in chop suey for life. Stanley, its real ming. Its worth a lot of money. Why, just because of what jenny said . You need more proof than that. I got more proof than that. Ethel wants it