And we have returned. Were talking with michael caine. Sean connery will join us in a moment. David brenner and burt mustin are here tonight. What else do you do besides selling those plaster of paris dogs . Oh, i did all sorts of jobs. I was once a night clerk in a hotel of rather bad reputation. That shouldve been fascinating. It was fascinating because i used to i was very innocent in those days. I had just come out of the army, and i kept letting in people called mr. And mrs. Smith of somewhere. And it never fell in. I never fell into the fact that the ladies were rather sully looking. No. I really didnt. And you know, i was thinking i eventually found out that they were all doing other than just being mr. And mrs. Smith. Yeah. Which is can be quite boring. Yes. And so i started charging them. They used to send down for a pot of coffee or a pot of tea, and i kept putting the price up because i knew no one would dare make a fuss. Good thinking. And, one day, there were a lot of american servicemen in england at that time. And i always remember how i left the job. Because the one day, an american sergeant came in with a young english lady. Mr. And mrs. Smith they were again. And they went up into the room. And the guy phoned down and said he wanted a pot of coffee. And i thought, an american, they got more money than everybody because in engla everyone thinks the americans have got more money than everybody. Which is quite true, as a matter of fact. [ laughter] thats why we think that. Its really true over there. And so i thought, ten shillings, which was a lot of a pot of coffee in england at that time, wouldve been one shilling and sixpence. Ten shillings. Ten shillings. And i thought, he wont know the money. He wont know anything. So i went up to the door, and he opened the door, and he was standing there in his shorts, and mrs. Smith was lying in a certain position out in the back there. [ laughter ] and he said thats the american and i said, heres your coffee, sir. He says, how much is that . I said, ten shillings. And he said, ten shillings . And it was the first time i heard the word. I didnt know what it meant. He said, ten shillings for a pot of coffee . And he went. [ claps ] straight on my nose. And i went downstairs and quit. [ laughter ] youre no fun at all i was up for a job, and i had a great, big, swollen nose, and i couldnt do the job so i was out of work again. Was this when you were it was when i was an actor and couldnt get any work. What was the first work you got . The first work i got was as an assistant stage manager in a little company. And one night, they gave me a part. You know, actors always say, if only theyd give me a part, i know i can become a star. I dont care how small it is. They gave me a part, and i came on. I forgot every line i was supposed to say. Of a 50 story building. We played a set in new york, and stepped off the balcony and out into nowhere, and just walked along the stage, 50 stories up. You were supposed fall. I was supposed to fall, yeah. And in the meantime, i had offered someone a drink and it brought the house down. I hadnt even heard the laughter because id given someone a drink. Someone said, get a drink, and id given someone a drink without taking the cork out of the bottle. And id passed empty glasses to everybody, and they were all getting loaded on no whiskey. [ laughter ] and i walked off. And when youre very, very nervous, you dont notice all the things that had gone wrong. And by the time i had gotten to the wings, i was absolutely sure that i was star material. Having not said a word, screwed up everything, walked out the window, and left everybody flabbergasted on stage. [ laughter ] and i got wonderful laughs, and i thought my future was assured. I didnt work for about a year after that. [ laughter ] back to the hotel, right . Back to the hotel, yeah. I keep asking you, every time i see you because about moving here. Is that yeah, well, i keep thinking of moving here, and every time i do that ive got a lot of family in england, you know, and you got a lot of brothers and sisters . No, i when i say family, i mean, people i grew up with. I have a brother, and i have a mother there, and i have children and everything. I just cannot get myself to leave the country. And i feel a little like most americans would, if the country was in trouble, america, and you went away. Right. There is somehow something in my system which wont allow me to leave when theyre like youre copping out and running. Yeah, im waiting for them to be a success, and im just going to get out of there. [ laughter ] last time we were talking, we were at, i think, Irving Lazars together. Somebody told me that irving lazar came on this program he did i wanted to ask you about that because a lot of people thought that was a gag. And we had irwin shaw on the other night, have you read that . An american yes. He wants me for the other part yes, yes. Youd be marvelous. You really think so. Absolutely marvelous. You should do it. Ive watched you do things and its easy to be a critic. Yeah. And i think youd make a very good actor. You serious . Yes, i am serious. George burns said, you know, he hadnt made a movie for 36 years. Now he made the sunshine boys. George was on the show and he says, its easy being an actor. He says, if someone knocks on the door and says come in, and you dont go in, george says, youre a lousy ac yeah. He says if you walk in, youre a good actor. [ laughter ] he said, if someone says, how are you . And you say, im fine, he says youre a good actor. If they say, how are you . And you say, i think you dropped it on the floor, youre a bad actor. You have to listen to what they say and react. All you got to do is listen. Listen and respond. Yes. It sounds great, in theory, you see. Youd be able to do it. Im sure absolutely sure. Im fascinated. You should do it. You should do it. Come back and talk about the wine business for a second. All right. Well be right back. Stay where you are. [ applause ] before we invite your friend to come out, sean connery, you mentioned youre in the wine business in a way. What does that mean . You dont have a vineyard, do you . No, i dont have a vineyard. A friend of mine and i became wine merchants, so we import wine into england. What happened was, i only drink wine, you see. I became so interested. And i was bummed one day and i wento its been successful . Yeah, its been very successful, yeah. Did you learn a lot about wines you didnt know, after you got into it . Well, once i got into it, theres so much to know about wine and its what weve done, weve become a big success in england because weve gone into the lower level of wines, where people never know what wine to choose in a restaurant. You know, and if they have a lot of money, they choose the dearest one. And if they dont have much money, they choose the cheapest one. Whereas, theres always a sort of way of going and most people get a little bit intimidated, dont they, when the sommelier, the wine steward comes up and says, would you like the wine list . Because most people really dont know unless you are really a no, and the basic principle is never to buy the most expensive wine, because all that means is that the restaurant paid more for it and they usually get you on that one. [ laughter ] are we allowed to say that . Well, yeah, thats wine merchants talk. [ laughter ] just a little trade jargon i threw in there. Trade jargon, yes. You dont import any California Wines there at all . Well, my partners up in the napa valley right now. Well, hes on his way back having talked to a lot of californian people because they make good wine in california. As a matter of fact, some of the California Wine is some of the best in the world. The people who dont know it, californians. Thats right. Its true. You know what they do wrong with it . Whats that . They drink it too young. They always drink everywhere i go, they give me californian wine and they think its so awful that they got to drink 1973 now. Yeah. Doesnt it depend on a particular harvest, a particular kind of grape . Well, here, youve got no vintage because the weather is always more or less the same in napa valley. What you have to rely on is, go to the best wine maker and you have a lot of young guys here. Right. Who, you know, as opposed to the french, who have sort of [ indistinct ] and will not change the vats, and will not do this and that. Here, they make experiments, and if you can find a guy whos made the right experiment, then youve got a good wine. Interesting. Okay, i want to bring out is this the first time that youve worked with sean in a motion pict its first time in a motion picture, but we worked in television about 12 or 15 years ago. Is that right . Yeah. I dont think he has ever been on the show before. We have crossed paths once or twice, socially. But, of course, i think sean made his mark around the world the first time really, in the success of the james bond pictures. Yeah. Which, eventually, he ended up not being particularly enthused about. But hes a fine actor. Would you welcome mr. Sean connery. [ applause ] nice to have you here, finally. Thank you. This is my virgin move. Yeah, i think the first time we met each other was back in new york, if i remember one night of a i believe at Phyllis Newman and her husbands party, right . Absolutely right. I didnt know if youd remember. I certainly do. Ha remember we both got very drunk. Yes, thats true. But those days are barred bent bye for me now. [ laughter ] oh, and i miss it so. No, i have rethought. I am not really a drinker anymore. I found out i didnt handle it well. Oh, i wouldnt agree at all. I thought you were charming and funny and yes, but you see, you were drunk at the time. [ laughter ] the things about drinking. Everybody is charming when everybody is the same way. But i found, all of a sudden, when you go to a party and you do not drink, you see people in a strange, different way. You dont drink at all . Not currently. Well, i do. Would you care id like to drink. Would you care for something . Yes. What would you care for . Scotch whiskey with soda, please. Scotch whiskey with soda, certainly. [ indistinct chatter] ill have a can of yoohoo. Chilled to exactly 57 degrees. Is that a scotch . Thats a scotch. Thank you very much. Its really not scotch. Were pretending because on television, you see, you can pretend its a prop or something. Pretend its scotch. Pretend its scotch. Pretend its scotch. Sure. If you use your imagination, that will probably taste just to make sure. Its just water. Oh, for the good ol days [ laughter ] anyway, i just asked mike before you came out. This is the you did make a picture together about 15 years ago, right . Television. Television, yeah. We did television more recently. It was shown here in america, but it never went together. He ended up with my daughter, i never met charles antell. Ahh. In the film that we got opening at christmas, he winds up with my wife. Yeah. Thats the way it works. In the film, yeah. I got a better deal. It was a better deal, actually. We have a small clip from the picture, the man who would be king. I dont know does this need a little setting up . You know what particular segment we have of the picture . Either one of you fellas. Yeah, i know what it its Christopher Plummer rudyard kipling. About two men he met. And he wrote the story about their adventures. Included in the film is the meeting with kipling, where they tell him what theyre going to do. Okay. Watch the monitors here in the studio, and well show you the small clip of the man who would be king. Its him. So it is. My god. You two. What do you want this time . We want to ask you a favor. Another favor . Calm yourself, brother kipling. Weve never taken advantage of a fellow in the craft. We dont want money. And a study of some of your maps. Well take a drink, if ones offered. But we wont be put out if one isnt. Peachy here is as sober as i am. Its important, you have no doubts on that score. So, we shall take one of your cigars a piece, and you shall watch us. Light up. And now, sir, let me introduce you two, brother peachy carnehan, which is him. And brother daniel dravot, which is i. The less said about our perfections, the better. But we have been most things in our time. Weve been all over india. We know her cities, her jungles, her jails and her pasts. And we have decided that she isnt big enough the commissioner to say. Therefore, we are going away to another place. Oh. Where a man isnt crowded and can come into his own. Were not little men, and theres nothing were afraid of except drink and women, and theyre provided against in a contract we made with each other. So weve gone away to be kings. [ applause ]. The british army. [ indistinct ]. One. Two. Three. One two three say after me. One two three one two three one two three one two three again. One two three one two three you say it with the others. Billy, tell himtell him to say it with the others not on his own all together, when i go like that, they say it all together, including him right there. All right, now ready. [ laughter ] you say it at the same time as all the others, right . Say it at the same time as all the others [ indistinct ]. Ready. Steady. Go. One two three dont say it before the others you said it before the others, billy not before the others not after the others with the bloody others all right [ laughter and applause ] i think i was in that outfit during the war. We had to [ laughter ] theres always one. Always one. Well take a short break were coming right back. [ applause ] were back. Were talking with sean connery and michael caine. I forgot to ask, when does this picture come out, the man who would be king. December, around the 17th right. 19th here. Were in los angeles . Yes. [ laughter ] do you ever lose track of where you are when youre out on a tour . I had peter otoole on the show one night, and this was several years ago. People thought he was bombed out of his gourd because he just he may well have been, but he wasnt that night. Hed just been on one of the tours. Hed flown in from england, and he was about seven hours behind. And every time i would say something, he would just go, [ mumbling ]. And i would say, how is the picture going . Hed say, [ mumbling ]. So, during a commercial, i said, are you all right . And he said, im absolutely with a time lag, didnt know really where he was. New york or los angeles. The first time i the first time i ever did your show, i had never been in america, and i went on television. They woke me up at 6 00 in the morning and said, hurry up. Were going on television. I said, at 6 00 in the morning . Theres no one watching. And they said, yes, there will be. Rely on us. And i went and did 20 Million Viewers, 40 Million Viewers or something. Right. And i never understood. And that evening, just as i was going to sleep, they said, come on. Were going to do the tonight show. So i said but it was Something Like 10 00 at night. 11 30 at night. I said, no one would be watching. Because in england, the television then used to start at 4 00 in the afternoon, and finish up at 11 00. So to have someone say to me, youve got to do tv at 7 30 in the morning, seemed ridiculous. And its supposed to end at 11 30 at night. And i went on these two shows, which i figured no one was watching, which turned out later to be the today show and id made a fool of myself in front of 60 Million People. [ laughter ] let me see if this is an accurate quote. I think you said, after youd done a number of the bond pictures, that it almost made life impossible for you. Well, it was very difficult. For example, last the one i decided finally to do, which was in japan you only live twice, was far too pressurized. In a very, very hot country. The temperature was 110 or so, in kagoshima. When we arrived in tokyo, there was about 400500 of these photographers and press. And you talked with them and did whatever you could with them, and then when you went to the toilet, they were still there. There was no escape. And it wasnt too well programmed that you could do anything except film. And then you finish the film and thhe to meet them again after you do filming. Right. So i was under a great deal of pressure, and i made many statements because i never had a press representative or anything right. And the chap who was supposedly representing the company there, him and i didnt see eye to eye anyway. And i dont blame him. He was just wrong. [ laughter ] i most fellas, when they would see those pictures because theyre fantasy pictures. They were really fantasy pictures, the man with the girl would say, hey, what a role, in their mind to play. Did you find that when you went out, people attached you to that characters, as they often do. Well, yes. I enjoyed a lot of the work that one did in the films. No disrespect at all to i worked and enjoyed a lot of it, but a lot of the other things, i couldnt handle. And when i eventually reached the state where i felt, well, five was enough. Right. And got out. Y and did the sixth. They were fascinating pictures, though. Well, many people enjoyed them. They were fascinating pictures. The effects and the whole thing. [ applause ] i asked mike what he did before he became an actor. What did you do, sean . Well, i became an actor when i was about 22. I was a i had many different jobs. I was working for the edinburgh evening news, and i came down to london i was a weightlifter then. I came representing scotland because we didnt have anyone in the tall mans class. And during the time i was there, they had auditions for south pacific. So i went along and told them i was an actor, and sung a few bars, and they really bought it. So i resigned from the newspapers and i went on tour with south pacific. Thats where it started when you started making pictures, did you have a little more of a scottish accent than you have now . Or a little more of a well, i have always had a scottish accent. Im very reluctant to lose it. Ive always it was always the same. Hes still got a cockney voice and i think burt still basically has a welsh you dont want to lose it. Its a kind of roots thing. Right. I never, never anyone can tell where i come from. And i dont say it as particularly proud so i think that its a period where there used to be more it was necessary to have a definitive and negative english bbctype voice, which is really no longer necessary. I mean, i think america was as much responsible as any country for breaking through on that level. Right. And then all the regional dialects, you know, the kind of guys, otoole and finney and rht and bates, they all just North Country irish, and suddenly started to have as much meaning and color i think more than the straight english. Right. Because americans always said that the first working class actors, anyway. I mean, you had them in the 1930s when you had right. Robertson, cagney, bogart, and they were working class characters with different kinds of working class voices. In england, you never had that. I mean, 1948, with a cockney accent, and they said, we dont have any newspaper boys on street corners in this picture, you know . [ laughter ] thats interesting. And as though the 50 odd Million People in england who speak with a working class accent didnt exist. It was a precious few making movies for a few precious. Well take a break. Were coming right back. Stay with us. [ music ] David Brenner is here tonight, and david has made over 40 appearances on this show. And hell be headlining at the holiday house, in pittsburgh, january the 9th through the 17th. Will be starring with mac davis at the mgm grand hotel in las vegas, starting january the 27th, for two weeks. Would you welcome back David Brenner. David heyo thank you. Oh, thanks, weirdos. Thank you. [ laughter ] do what you want to do, right, whatever ill tell you something i do thats dumb. Do you want to hear do you ever do something dumb . You know it is, and you cant stop doing it . I have one now. Ive got to stop doing this. Whenever anyone talks to me who has a foreign accent who asks me for directions or something. I dont know why, but i suddenly turn into an american indian. I start talking, yes go b off 44 see building big like buffalo [ laughter ] and i scream i think people with accents are hard of hearing. I scream. Its like people why is it when people call long distance, they yell. My mother does that. She doesnt know how a telephone works. David i always tell her, will you whisper . Whisper. Wouldnt life be horrible if we couldnt whisper . Can you imagine if you could not whisper . Like, you would be at a party yeah, im married. Thats her [ laughter ] why not . Animals cant whisper. You ever hear a dog go. [ laughter ] anyway, ill tell you something. I did something so embarrassing. I dont know how i got into this. A man recognized me, and i like people to recognize me. I saw you on the tonight show. Its very nice. He came up to me, and he was from texas, and he happened to be very big. [ applause ] terrific, terrific, alamo. Okay. [ laughter ] so. So, anyway, he was the stereotype real big. He had been on the road. Hes a salesman for two months. Hes very lonely and hes telling me how lonely he is. He misses his family. He took out a picture of his kids and he showed it to me, and i sneezed on it. [ laughter ] and i didnt know what to do. I wanted to take out a picture of my mother, here, spit on it, or anything [ laughter ] a lot of people show you pictures of their kids anyway. I had a friend, and this is just my opinion. I know this is against american tradition, but just listen to it. His wife did, moose caruso a friend i grew up with. Yeah. The moose nicknames philadelphia, where im from, everyone has nicknames, you see. Ill tell you the best nickname. You want to hear the best in the world . Theres a fellow living in my hometown. Theres nothing physically wrong with him. But, for some reason, since he was a kid i dont know why he does this. No one ever figured it out. He keeps his head like this. He walks like this. He talks like this. He eats like this. All the time. He dances like this. His head is always like this, and his nickname is ten after six. [ laughter ] and they used to threaten him. They used to say, how would you like to be called quarter to nine . [ laughter ] anyway, my friend, moose, had a baby. And its a great occasion. I drove down to the city to see him and it was fun. And i talked to mrs. Moose and everything wonderful. And then, you know when you go out in the hall and they call you out in the hall for the viewing . They open the curtain and you look through the glass. Well, maybe its because im a bachelor, folks, [ laughter ] oh, those pinched faces, and the fingers moving a hundred different ways. And everyone stands around going, isnt he cute . [ laughter ] i mean, come on. Suppose you met a grown up that looked like that . [ laughter ] theyre scary if someone swung Something Like that in front of my window at night, id have a heart attack. [ laughter and applause ] to the wife because i didnt want to lie, but i didnt want to hurt her feelings. She said, what do you think . I said, oh, hell probably grow. [ laughter ] and at the hospital, i was watching something interesting. Doctors. I watch doctors. They walk important. Did you ever see doctors walk . They walk important. They go into the mens room. Going into the mens room . Yeah, lets go in the mens room. Okay. Important. Important. And i figured out that doctors are the biggest egotists in the world. And ill tell you why. When youre in a restaurant, you only hear this announcement, you never hear table for six ready for plumber williams. [ laughter ] right . Unemployed harold, we got your booth in the back you want to move it . [ laughter ] [ applause ] and doctors can park anywhere. Especially in new york. On call doctor they can park on a person. Its okay a doctor. [ laughter ] there are some students in new york city going to medical school just to get parking spaces, did you know that . [ laughter ] really in los angeles. Its great here. You can park within two blocks of wherever youre going. Did you ever go to new york . If youre going to visit someone, youre driving there who lives on the Upper East Side of manhattan, and you see a spot in connecticut, you pull in. [ applause ] right . And in my building in new york city, its 90 a month for parking. They attach it to your rent thats true, 90 a month. If you have a car, its 140. You dont need cars. Out here you need cars. I mean, did you ever see the bus system out here . There isnt any. They conned the people. They dont have buses, they have benches. Every three blocks, they put a bench [ laughter ] and with skeletons hanging on the bench it they have one bus july 4th, they bring it out of the barn and everyone applauds, yay push it back. [ laughter ] and if youre lucky and you get the one bus did you ever ride a bus i swear the bus driver doesnt have any special route he follows. [ laughter ] have you ever been on a bus, heres the driver, hey, theres a beautiful street i never saw that [ laughter ] and i cant drive out here. Its impossible. Dont applaud. I came from San Francisco. So dont applaud. All right. Good. For texas, dont applaud. No, its good, good. [ applause ] all right knock it off all right. I cant San Francisco i never drove in San Francisco, if you come to water in front of you you know youre lost. You drive around until you dont see any water you have a chance. [ laughter ] here in la, you get on that freeway make one little mistake, youre in guam. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and i have to tell ya a man got me so good a great joke he played on me. I love when you know, you come from the big city, you think you know it all. This was a small town right outside, i was trying to come actually to come to nbc and i drove up and i saw a man who looked very straight suit, tie the whole number everything. So i figured, oh, hes going to give me the right answer. So i asked, excuse me, how do i get back on the freeway . I dont know how i fell for this its so dumb. He said, all right, heres what you do. Its pretty simple. Go to the last stop sign and make a right. I said, okay, thanks. [ laughter ] im driving 25 minutes. How do you know when youre at the last stop sign . Thank you how you doing . I am doing im afraid to jinx myself. I am terrific. I have had one of the most exciting weeks in the business. Today, this is right friday. Today, i went on the magnificent marble machine, you know, the game show on nbc, right . Yeah. I went on the magnificent they didnt realize, im a pinball player from the street. How to play that machine. I figured out how to play the machine and she and i together, for two people, won 56,000 and six automobiles. [ laughter ] thats for the people you play for . Yeah, two people six automobiles. The show was cancelled, you know . [ laughter ] really . Yeah, thats what i hear the shows been cancelled. That was a for 56 big ones . Fiftysix biggies and six cars. Oh, i like that. They were going nuts. Six cars oh, six you know what . For the next year. [ laughter ] well, thats funny. Yeah. Gotta interrupt. Were coming right back. Stay where you are. [ music ] were back. So things are going super this week . Super. And you took nbc for 56,000, huh . I took nbc and its surprising because nbc turned around and then i also youll never believe this, i gotta tell you this. You know that custom tailored guild, you ow as one of the ten best dressed men in the country . This is the one [ applause ] no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ill have to explain this one look at us hes a man in a suit and tie and were all dressed i got a nice suit and tie and you come in ten. And you were yeah, one of the ten. When my manager called, youll never believe it. So, i saw him he called me to tell me this i was sitting in my underwear with one sock on, i answered the sure. [ laughter ] that was something to be proud of. Yeah, that was good. And then nbc the big news is and i really want to save it to say it on this show ill tell you something interesting. When i used to watch this show as viewer, before i was a performer, id see people come on the show and say, you know, if it werent for the tonight show, blah blah blah, my career wouldve gone and i used to sit there and ill tell you quite honestly, i used to say, come on, what one person influenced your life like that yeah. You know, one show. Come on. Other than lamorgia brothers, i could imagine one person ever threatening me. Youre lying changing it, see . They were the fellas next door to me. Oh, the lamorgia brothers. Oh man. I was afraid of their porch, man. [ laughter ] so, i really i really didnt think you know, i debuted on National Television on this show. Thats right. And ive done the 40 something appearances and everything. Well, i just signed a deal with nbc this week, it was i wanted to save it for this show to announce it. But because of the tonight show i just signed a deal to do a situation series in the fall. Hey, thats great. [ applause ] thats great. Thank you. Thats great. Just dont let you have them give you formats where you meet for sunday dinner with eight if somebody comes up with that, say, i think maybe ive heard that somewhere, so. Its especially difficult being jewish and theyre all italian relatives, right . Yes, you got a real problem there. Its really strange. Well take a break and burt mustin will join us. [ music ] burt mustin is with us tonight. Burt is 90 years old. Still a working actor. As a matter of fact, he currently is shooting an episode of the Cloris Leachman show, phyllis. A major commercial, and hes got an appearance on an upcoming episode of mccoy. Would you welcome burt mustin. Burt [ music and applause ] good to see you again, burt. Thank you so much. Its great to be here. Thanks for coming. Youre busy, arent you . Well, right now, yes. Im getting busy. And im going to be on the phyllis show. Ill be on mccoy the next time they have mccoy yeah. And but you know, this is a time in the show that i like to do. Yeah, well, we like to have you here, too. Last time you were here, you were reminiscing about old songs and you came up with a song that nobody knew. It was so old. Whats the oldest joke you ever heard . Well, i had a family pal, years ago, back in the 90s and that was a family in the 90s. [ laughter ] he was athe family doc he was a really wellknown storyteller and he would do a lot of things that you couldnt do anymore now because they were ethnic stories right. Stammering and all kinds of things that are just verboten nowadays. He had one story that im quite sure that all you youngsters have never heard. And i doubt if anybody in the audience ever heard it, but its at least a hundred years old. And it tells the story of the elderly preacher. And he had the small boys and thought they would have some fun by pasting a few of the leaves at strategic points in the bible. So this is what happened. The old gentleman got up to give his sermon in the morning and he picked up the bible and he said, brothers and sisters, the text this morning is taken from the seventh chapter of genesis and noah, being 104 years of age, took onto himself a wife who was 150 cubits long 60 cubits wide 30 cubits high. Thatched within and without with pitch [ laughter ] and floated on the water easily. [ laughter ] brothers and sisters, we will read that passage once again. [ laughter ] and noah, being 104 years of age, 60 cubits wide, 30 cubits high, thatched within and without with pitch and floated on the water easily. Brothers and sisters, ive been a close student on the word for close to 70 years. And i never remember having read that passage before. But it all goes to prove the truth of holy writ. That woman, as well as man, and wonderfully made. Let us pray. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thats good. Never heard that. I read something the other day, now i dont know if this will embarrass you or not. But a doctor said something about some of the Senior Citizens who you know, when 70 and 80, there was an increase it was good for them, they said because it was like kids when they lived with their parents, they said, well, they dont do that anymore. It was something strange about the young when they look at older people, they shouldnt engage in that. This doctor says its a very healthy thing, and it keeps people young. Well, im certainly not an authority, because i havent delved into that particular i only know my own taste. It was a long time ago. It was only lovely memories, as far as i can tell. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, i was kind of the old fogey type. I was a slow worker, you know, and didnt make any real advances to the girls much. More or less the big brother type and that didnt sit so well with some of them. Once in a while, i would get a little suprise. Normally, you would have to approach the gals very, very cautiously mmhmmm. But that was 90 years ago and [ laughter ] this one was this one gave me a little bit of a surprise because a pal and i ask me to go on a blind date in Kennywood Park in pittsburgh and we went out there and one of the things we started to do was go through the old mill. Well, he knew his gal pretty well and i just met mine. She wasnt too prepossessing, as a matter of a fact. I wasnt too thrilled, anyhow. The other couple, as soon as they got into the dark part of the mill, they started to smooch. Mmm, smooch. And my girl turned around to me and said, my, arent they awful. And i said, no, i wouldnt say they were awful. If they know each other and one of the things well, why dont you do it . [ laughter ] and i didnt have much of an answer for that, i dont know how i wiggled out of that one. [ laughter ] now, its great to have you here again. I hope when we all get to be your age, well have the sense of humor half as alert as you are tonight. Nice job. [ applause ] thank you, david. Thank you, john. Sean, it was a great kick to have you here again, tonight. Well, for the first time. I hope you come back again. Thank you. [ applause ] thank you. Thank you. Have a nice evening. [ music ]. [theme music] hitchcock quiet please. Good evening fellow necromaniacs. Im glad so many of you could come. I should explain that the word has nothing to do with necking. Im awfully sorry, i havent time to explain it now. You will just have to look it up in the dictionary. As you know, we are not allowed to present our play unless we have a quorum. Tonight we are concerned with those three little words, opens, the more sordid details are safely out of the way. For the hero of tonights play is [music] [voices singing in harmony] Mister Alexander penn arlington has arrived. Thank you, my dear. Mister arlington, we are very happy to have you with us. Thank you. Goodbye alexander. Goodbye, and thank you. Tata we only use first names here. I am your recording angel. Rather a lot of us, arent there . Of arlingtons you mean . No, i meant people. Are all of these arlingtons . These are the arlingtons from alexander to arabella. Good heavens. Gracious. Here we are. Is there anything wrong . Oh, must i, am i required to sit on this, with this . Oh indeed no, not at all. Get down if you wish. Thank you. Its Standard Equipment you know. So many expect it. Yes i. I neglected to prepare myself on the harp. [strums harp] why, that was music we dont get many accomplished musicians here. I what it would be like. Yes, wouldnt it . [voices singing] wont you sit down . Now then, lets see. Lets see. Alexander penn, new york, united states, earth. Married. Youll find those very helpful when you first begin to fly. Later you wont need them. I see you are a mystery writer. As a matter of fact. Yes, i see. Age at time of death, 52. Cause of death, murder. Murder . I beg your pardon. But you said murder . Why, yes. Didnt you know . Oh well, thats impossible. I died of a heart attack. I think. Yes, i was asleep and a stabbing pain woke me. Yes, that would follow. You were stabbed in the back while asleep at your desk. With an did it . That information is not included here. You see, this is only your life. Oh but i must know, i mean i cant go flying around not knowing who killed me. Oh dont worry, well find out. It will be in your murderers record later on. But there must be other ways of finding out, somebody who knows. Oh yes. But we cant go that high with details of this sort. I dont see why not. There now, dont let it make you unhappy. Unhappy . Dont you realize over 75 mystery novels printed in a dozen languages and made into pictures, plays, everything. Now im murdered and i dont even know who did it. Its preposterous. How could i possibly be happy . Oh but you must be. Happiness here is well its its obligatory. Im miserable. But dont you see alexander, this is contrary to the spirit of the whole occasion. Nevertheless i am miserable. Oh dear, this wont do it all. I cant bother. Given the last day of your life to live over again do you think you can uncover your murderer . Why unquestionably. But is as an archangel i have authority to make certain adjustments in time. Time is quite flexible you understand. Not like your earthly experience with it. We would simply repeat one segment. As i say, its most irregular but if it would make you happy. Of ce, thoughtful of you but would it be repeated exactly . As to the final result, yes. Details would vary. Would others be aware of this repetition . Oh no. It wont even seem familiar to you. You merely know that youre going to be killed at midnight. Of course you could go through the with the murder again but remain awake this time. That should surely reveal. Oh no, that wont be necessary i assure you. It would probably be most uncomfortable. Up to within half an hourof the foul deed would be quite to be on the safe side . Oh very well. But i shall have the solution long before that of course. After all, it is my profession. All right, we make a small erasure here. [angelic voices singing] good morning, horace. Good morning, boss. What time is it . 12 oclock, same old time. Oh no, she go riding. Alone . Oh no, with Mister Benson. Oh. I had the strangest dream. So clear. [phone rings] hello. It was no dream, alexander. [angelic voices singing] what . Who is this . Wilfred. From . Isnt that rather a silly question . Yes, i suppose it was, but. Hello . [knock at door] anything else, boss . No, not now. [knockdo come in. Good morning, sir. Good morning, tolbert. This is from your publishers. I thought youd want to see it right away. Read it. Dear alex, we have all read murder of a mannequin and to be candid, we are all disappointed. I will be out tomorrow to talk this over with you, but frankly we wonder if you havent been working too hard,old boy. Could the well be fill up again and this yarn could be reworked. Of all the idiotic drivel. Let the well fill up. Nevermind, dont read anymore. What are you going to do . Do . Nothing. Spencer does not know what he is talking about. Never has, you know that. Im not so sure. Well, you think im slipping too, tolbert . Well, yes sir. Rather badly in fact. But you neednt worry about it, i have a plan. You do indeed . And what is that, pray . You can go ahend without stopping the Slade Saunders books. I could do them. You could . You could write my books in my style . Thats quite the most egotistical and preposterous statement in my experience. Why i continue to employ such an idiot is beyond me. Run along now, tolbert, well my better nature still has the upper hand. Its really not so very preposterous when you stop to think how much ive contributed to the last four or five. Not only plot, you know, but an awful lot of rewriting. Obviously whats wrong with them. We shall correct that here and now. Your fired, tolbert. Calculate your salary to include today. And fetch me the check to sign and get out and i mean move out of the house today too, is that clear . Yes, that is perfectly clear. Wait a minute. Tell me tolbert, when fenton comes down tomorrow, if something happened to me in the meantime, a fatal accident say, do you think hed let you continue with the Slade Saunders books . Certainly. Hbe he didnt. Well, i tabbed you quickly enough, i must say. But let me tell you, tolbert, it will do you no good, you can never swing it. The books, i mean. What are you talking about . Nevermind, goodbye tolbert. Goodbye arlington. Well, thats that. I told him it wouldnt take long. Anymore. [humming] hello uncle alex. Well vincent . I wanted to see you uncle alex, but i did not want to interrupt once you got started writing. Very thoughtful of you, im sure. How is your financial situation, uncle alex . Much as usual, i should say. Im in a pretty bad spot myself. Much as usual, i should say. I need 500. The last occasion of this sort, consider it repeated. Supplying you with bed and board strikes me as quite sufficient. This is different, uncle alex. This is serious. These people wont wait. Poses you quite a problem, doesnt it . You wont let me have it then . Exactly. I dont see why, im in your will. I dont see why i shouldnt have some of it now. Why should i have to wait until you kick off . I find your impatience rather unseemly, vincent. Indeed im you in my will at all. Simply that you are my only blood relative i suppose. I guess you will take me out now. No, it is a little late for that. Well, okay. I wasnt kidding when i said i was serious about this, uncle alex. If i dont get the money tonight, i dont even dare leave the house. I may have to do something drastic. Oh . How drastic . Happens, it wont be my fault. Hello dear. Goodbye, ill see you tonight. Right. Goodbye. Hello dear. I think id rather have you tell me goodbye. Oh alex, dont be stuffy. Everybody kisses everybody today. You know that. Goodbye or hello, i mean its only friendly. Rather a warm friendship i should say. Alex, really. Youd think i was having an affair with wally. Have you any idea how hateful you can be when you put your mind to it . Which is all too often. Have you any idea how i might feel to find my wife in the arms of that vacuous, impecunious, young nincompoop . Well just what do you expect when i practically have to see you by appointment . Should i sit alone all day and embroider and sigh and wait for you to toss me a word or a look as you pass . Oh, so i am neglecting you now, is that it . Well, arent you . Extent that i intend to share you with benson or anyone else. So let that be understood here and now. And let benson also understand that he is no longer persona grata in these precincts. Is that clear . What absolute nonsense. As it happens he is taking me to the theater tonight. Now if you want to declare this victorian ultimatum, you go benson. Money. Love. Everybody. What a trusting soul i was to be sure. But wait. There was a situation like this in murder of the moneybags. Yes. No, thats no help. Maybe murder of. no. How can one reconstruct something that hasnt happened . But wait, its going to happen. Here in this be here obviously. And carol and benson cant be back in time. So all i have to do is to wait and see if tolbert comes back. If he doesnt, its my dear nephew. Of course, how simple. Mister arlington . So it is tolbert. He hasnt quite got his nerve up yet. But hell be back. Now what . [laughing and chattering] hello darling, we didnt thinkould be up. Obviously. You thought id be asleep at my desk in the study i suppose. What . This is insufferable. Absolutely outrageous. Of all everybody. Horace you neednt think you can thwart me by swarming in. [buzzing] horace yes sir . Fetch my nephew, wake him if you have to but get him down here right away. Tolbert too, he just went up. Yes sir. And have them come to my study. And hurry, horace. Ill get to the bottom of this. Good, now sit down. Thank you. I have very little time so please listen closely. Now then, someone is going to murder me shortly. And im certain its one of you. The point is i want to know which one. And i intend to find out. But since my time is very limited i will thank each one of you not to interrupt and to answer questions promptly. Now then. You. You looked quite promising earlier, my boy. But you certainly seem to have been sound asleep so im inclined to eliminate you now. [yawning] sure uncle alex. What would i want to kill you for . For the third of my estate, naturally. Sure i could use the dough, see you knocked off just for that. If i could get it any other way. You. You are the one who interests me now. Just what did you come back for tonight . I forgot something. Oh, i see. What was it . Let me see it. I couldnt find it. Ah, just as i thought, the insane idea that you could write my books has preyed upon your fuzzy little mind until you believe it so strongly you are ready to kill for it, arent you . Answer me, arent you . You must be out of your mind. Iive been avoiding this of course. One hates to think his own wife might. But we must face facts now. And the facts are that you have for some unaccountable reason become enamored of this outsized amoeba. But you know you cant have him without losing me and your problem very well too, now wouldnt it . Oh alex, of all the nonsense. Really . You shouldnt have been home until 1 am you know. And yet here you are in plenty of time. Why . Tell me that because the show was a crushing bore. What else . Yes, it was terrible, really. Oh yes, yes, perhaps youve been overlooked. After all stabbing is hardly a womans way, is it . And since you are penniless yourself and no, you cannot have carol without money, i could hardly see her doing her own housekeeping, can dying her own hair . Alex but as my widow she would be quite welloff you know. So i put it to you, benson, that you would very much like to see me gone. Dead. Wouldnt you . So you could have both carol and my money. Well, when you put it that way, alex, i mean you make it sound so attractive. Yes, i guess i would. This is getting nowhere. If only i had agreed to go through with it. I must know. If only i could extend the time. Hello. Alexander . [angelic voices singing] is this. . Yes, this is wilfred. Would you really like to extend the time . Actually go through with it again . Could i . Yes. But would come off right on time, just as before . The final event would be the same. Well, you have only a few seconds. Yes, i want to do it. Thank you. Who was that . That was wilfred, my recording angel. You see, im dead. I mean i was. I was murdered once before but i didnt know who did it and wilfred has allowed me to come back to find out. Very considerate of him, i think. And you see, i still dont know so he is going to let me go dont ask me to explain, you wouldnt understand. I certainly wouldnt. The point is, in a few moments someone is going to stab me in the back with this. But this time i am going to be awake, and i will know who it is. So go on, clear out all of you. Obviously nobody will do it with the others here as witnesses. Arlington, you better get to a psychiatrist before it is too late. Even if one of us were going to kill you, you dont think he would come back and do it right away, do you . With the others inevitably watching for him . Possibly not. I dont know. Thats not my responsibility. But go on, cant you . All clear out, cant you hurry . Alex, caring this foolishness one step further, there is a way it could happen you know. Right now. If the murderer could kill you without any of the rest of us knowing which one he is, then hed be safe, wouldnt he . Yes of course, but obviously thats impossible. So please. Oh no, no it isnt. Even Slade Sanders should think of that one alex. All i have to do is. Benson benson, you underhanded. Will someone. And another small erasure here. And thats that. Do you mean to say that all i just been through took place while you were. Yes. As i told you, time on earth has no relation with time here. Which is eternity. Well, they did it again. And you still dont know. Benson put out the lights. Somehow it doesnt seem to matter so much this time. Thats good. You see, nobody seemed at all upset at the idea of my being killed. And now im beginning to wonder what sort of person i was. Well, that would also involve the kind of people they were. And after all, none of you were better than human. I suppose not. Of course, you do have one clue. Whoever killed you would turn on thehts again. Of course. They would have to be partners who had already planned to kill me. Carol so it was carol. Poor thing, she will get no good out of it. She is certain to be caught, shes not nearly clever enough. Few are. I say, you are really quite a detective yourself, you know. Very good indeed. Oh, im sorry, i must sound dreadfully patronizing. A habit left over from earth, i suppose. I mustve r fear. In fact, under the circumstances, how did i get in here at all . Oh, all mystery writers go to heaven. Didnt you know . They do . Whatever for . I really dont know. I must remember to ask some time. [angelic voices] go to heaven is certainly a mystery to me. After she had assisted her husband out of this veil of tears, mrs. Arlington sought solace in a quick marriage to Mister Benson and they lived happily ever after. He in the state penitentiary and she at the womens detention home. Where she found a very nice job in the mailroom. Vincent, of course became filthy rich. And speaking of think it is high time we heard from the committee on ways and means. After which this forum will again come to order. Unfortunately, time does not permit. I declare the meeting adjourned until next week. [theme music] did you find me . I specifically asked for an unlisted channel. I am taking the week off. I wanted a rest from television. If you are one of those critics who thinks that television is frightful, all i can say is, you should see it from the side. Ive been reading the want ads. A man has a right to look around for a better job. Wanted host for television handsome. Why this is perfect. Gracious and must be willing to work every week. Apply Alfred Hitchcock presents. I think i better scamper back to the old job. I dont want to miss the show and dont you miss there. I guess that covers everything. I used a slightly different approach on this. Read it to me. All right dear. April 9th, box 2011 post office annex city. Dear sir. Regarding your advertisement in the help wanted section of the news of not been filled i should like to present my qualifications for your consideration. My age is 52 as of last october. Ive been married for 27 years, have no family, my health is excellent. Thats a blessing. Now, now we are going to have you up and around in no time. Just as soon as. Well ill go on. For 31 years i was employed by the firm of stone and baker, the accounting and Audit Company attendance and punctuality stands alone. The termination of my services was due entirely to my age. A shortsighted policy which i feel certain has already been regreted by the individuals at fault. Now dear you mustnt excite yourself. That is all over done with now. It doesnt do any good to brood over it. I know, i know. But every time i think of it, that personnel manager telling me i still do that job better than anybody they can get at the salary they were paying me. It just makes me see red all over again. We are not going to think about that. You are right laura. I just get all excited and i just burn with shame. In 52 years laura, the only time i really lost my head. Makes you wonder sometimes how far you might let yourself go. [phone rings] hello . Yes, this is Mister Crabtree. Yes, yes i answered the advertisement. I have been considering your letter of application Mister Crabtree and i must say i found it to be an excellent one. Why thank you sir, thank you very much. The liberty of telephoning them. Oh, of course. The personnel manager while reluctant to discuss the matter did inform me that when told you were being retired you attempted to attack him physically. Is this true Mister Crabtree . Yes, im afraid it is. I dont know what came over me. The terrible injustice of it i guess. You see i desperately needed that job, my wife, she has been ill. It could never happen again. I assure you. Very well. My secretary will call on you within an hour. Good day Mister Crabtree. I wonder what could be delaying her. He said she would be here in an but isnt it rather strange that someone should come here to interview you . Yeah, if she does come. [knock at door] wont you come in please . Mister crabtree . Yes. I believe you were expecting me. Yes i was. This is mrs. Crabtree, my wife. Ms. Brown. How do you do . Im happy brown. Wont you sit down . Thank you. Your job Mister Crabtree will consist of preparing confidential reports which must be mailed to your employer. Mailed . But why . Because you will be working alone. In your own office with no direct supervision and no assistance. You mean im going to be in charge . Ms. Brown i hope i did not this represent my previous experience, you see ive always held a job as an employee. That has been understood. Now subscriptions to a number of financial journals. You will be supplied with a list of important corporations. Whenever one of these corporations is referred to in the journals you will make a note of it and consolidate these into a report which must be mailed at the end of every day. I quite understand ms. Brown. But to whom do i mailed these reports . To the box number you already have of course. Oh. The office is completely prepared for you. And here are your keys. Well thank you. Your hours will day on saturday. Can you start in the morning . Yes. I think so. Yes, of course. Now as to your salary, you will be paid 100 per week. Is that satisfactory . 100. Well, yes, that is very generous indeed. You will receive your salary every saturday in cash by mail. And here is the address of your office. Are there any further questions . Dont quite understand the reason. Youre not expected to Mister Crabtree. Your work is important and highly confidential. The less you know of it, the less temptation there will be to discuss it with anyone. Oh, i wouldnt do that, you can absolutely depend on my discretion. Very well, good luck. Goodbye mrs. Crabtree. Goodbye ms. Brown. Well, goodbye and thank you very much. 100 a week now you can have your treatments laura. And after weve saved a little, the operation. I cant explain it exactly, it is like working in a vacuum. All these weeks and i really dont know what im doing. Im sure theres a good reason for it dear. Take those reports, efficiency instruments, exploring new techniques. Universal list, i cant make heads or tails out of it. Well your work must be satisfactory or you would have heard from him. Well sometimes i wonder if he even remembers im there. Ive the feeling that im just a name on a payroll. And some day, someone is going to ask, who is this man crabtree . Why are we paying him 100 per week and no one will know the answer. But you are being paid, that is a blessing. Yes and the treatments are doing you a world of good. A few more months and we will have saved enough for the hospital. If the job lasts. We wont think about that. No, of course not. Now dont overdo. Goodbye dear. Goodbye. [man whistling] oh yes, of course. I seem to have startled you. Why yes,. What are you doing here . Who are you . I think that should be quite crabtree. Why yes, i was beginning to wonder. Of course it is a very pleasant surprise. Ive been looking forward to meeting you mister. Have you any complaints about your job . Thoroughly enjoyable. My reports have been satisfactory i hope. Very likely. I havent read them. Well, i understand youd hardly have time to give them your personal attention. Youre quite wrong there Mister Crabtree. I personally burn them. You burn them . On arrival. But i dont understand. You better Mister Crabtree you would realize that im almost totally devoid of a sense of humor. It is one of the penalties of devoting ones entire energies to accumulating a vast fortune. But why . Why pay me to prepare reports if youre going to burn them . It had its purpose, i assure you. Incredible as it may sound Mister Crabtree i need you. That is i need a loyal conscientious employee to handle oh, then youre not going to terminate my services . That depends entirely on you. If this assignment is completed successfully you will receive one year salary in advance. And no more reports to mail. One years salary . Why that is more than 5000. 5000 would mean a great deal to you, and your wife . It certainly would. It would be that she could have her operation. I hope you will consider me for this assignment sir. Excellent. I rather thought you would Mister Crabtree. I want you to kill a man for me. I . You dont mean. This must be a joke, isnt it . You will recall i think, i have already told you, i never learned to make jokes. And certainly not pointless one. No Mister Crabtree, i mean exactly what i said. You are to kill a couldnt. Im absolutely incapable of such an act. Are you . Really . I was led to believe that had you not been restrained you would have murdered the personnel manager at stone and baker. But that was different. I lost control of myself for the moment. I envy you Mister Crabtree. I deeply envy you. You have emotions. I am entirely devoid of feelings. Then. Why dont you kill that is a reasonable question. It deserves an answer. Let me explain. Some years ago i married a woman whose first husband we both believed to be dead. Unfortunately we were wrong. For the past five years i have bought his silence for a monthly sum that would stagger your imagination. He is blackmailing you . Why you could report this to the having my wife revealed as a bigamist and destroy the lives of our children. The scandal would ruin us. No Mister Crabtree, this man must be eliminated by someone not even remotely connected to him. Obviously that cannot be me. But there must be people you can hire, gangsters or someone like that. Exchange one blackmailer for another . Thats hardly a solution. But you have no guarantee that i wont blackmail you. Or better than that go to the police. Right now i mean. Why if i told them the proposition that you gave me. Would you possibly tell them . You dont know who i am or where i come from. As far as youre concerned, i dont even exist. But the advertisements that you put in the paper. Anonymously. Its true that box 111 could be traced to me. But i fail to see any connection. Any connection . You hired me. I wrote a letter of application. Did you Mister Crabtree . Yes then you were informed by letter that the position had already been filled. A copy of my reply is my files. In case the matter should come up. Subscriptions. You paid for them. By mail, in your name, in cash. And if youre thinking of ms. Brown as a witness, she was never my secretary. Like myself she never really existed. But the reports . I have one here that is almost finished. There it is. To be sure, the reports. A completely useless jumble of words which for some unknown reason you have persisted in sending to me despite my letter that i had no use for this service. Visualize the scene if you will Mister Crabtree. You go to the authorities, you tell them your incredible story. As proof you have your pathetic little reports and nothing else. Why you would be fortunate not to be committed to an institution for the mentally deranged. That would be preferable to be hanged for murder. Oh come now Mister Crabtree, you should realize by now that i would not be that inept. Ive made such careful preparations that there isnt the slightest possibility of your arrest. Let me explain. I dont want to hear it. Chosen after much searching, is so small, so narrow that anyone not sitting behind the desk must necessarily stand where i am now. Directly behind me is the window overlooking the street. 20 stories below. One hard shove and it will be over. You make it sound so easy. I assure you, it will be. The gentleman in question will be in the office first thing tomorrow morning. He will request a contribution to a good cause. Envelope from the drawer and hand it to him. He is a methodical man. Not once in the past 18 months has he bothered to open the envelope on receiving it. He will put it in his inside coat pocket. At that precise moment Mister Crabtree you will shove him out. Then you close the window and go back to your reports. But the police are certain to come here. The only possible conclusion. That the unfortunate man leaped from the roof above you. They will know its suicide because that envelope that you hand him will contain not money, Mister Crabtree, but a typed note explaining why he took his own life. Now you have until tomorrow morning to decide. If you carry out this assignment, i shall mail the money to your never see or hear of me again. Of course, your salary will automatically cease. For your wifes sake Mister Crabtree, i think youll have to do it. Nearly 3 oclock. Oh yes dear, in a moment. You need your rest, you will not be any good at the office tomorrow. Im feeling a little better every day. Doctor foley is coming tomorrow, do you think i should ask him when i ought to go to the hospital . Dear . Yes laura . What do you think . [knock at the door] come in. Come in. Oh, Mister Crabtree . Yes . I was hoping youd like to make a contribution. Yes, i have it ready for you. Well that is mighty good of you Mister Crabtree. And id get out of here, quickly, before i. Its parasites like you who should be exterminated. Now look here you have no. You have any idea what youve done . Youve taken away my job. I was out of work for a year. One whole year through no fault of my own. Because of the stupid little man who. And now youre running me. And my wife she will be an invalid for as long as she lives. Somebody ought to have the nerve to, i wish i could, id kill you. [man screaming] was. You dont understand. Im not concerned with your rationalizations Mister Crabtree. You completed the assignment, that is all that interests me. Your years salary is in the mail. Youll never hear from me again. Congratulations. Goodbye. [sirens] to talk to you for a minute if we can. Yes . Theres been an accident a man fell from this building and was killed. Have you been in all morning . I always get here at nine oclock. I have not left his office. The door was closed i suppose . Yes, i never leave it open. And you didnt see anybody go up the stairs across the hall . No. He mustve fallen right past out the office. I very seldom look at the window anyway. Its closed. You probably wouldnt hear anything. I guess that is all. Was it suicide . All the way. He had a suicide note in his pocket. Sorry we bothered you. Thats quite all right. Mister crabtree . Are you a reporter . Contribution from a mutual friend. I dont think i have to mention any names. Well, what about it . Wheres the money i was to pick up . The wrong man got it. You came too late. Only it wasnt money. It was your suicide note. Suicide . Look here, id like to know what is going on. That is something you will have to take up with the man that you are blackmailing. And if he asks for me, tell him i no longer work here. As far as he is concerned, i never hitchcock our play is over and we have now ended to the sudden overtime period of television. The game will end at any moment. So i must allow my sponsor to make a few points. After which i shall dribble a brilliant play. Sneaky but brilliant. So nice to be with a winning team. And now please keep your eyes on this space. For i shall return here next week to bring you another story. Good night. Hitchcock what an extraordinary thumb. It completely obscures the subject im painting. I used to paint along the roadside, but i had to quit. Motorists insisted on giving me rides. Hold that pose. Remain perfectly still for the next half hour. Care to see my