Hey, how are you, fred . Hey, fine, harvey, hows hortense . You know my son, lamont. Sure, hi, lamont. How you doing, harvey . Look, wed like to talk to you, but weve got an appointment with mr. Phillips, and were a little late. Yeah, thats right. See, were going to see him about, regarding a conglomerate merger, and some deficit financing, and corporate restructure. Uh, broke again, huh, fred . Now, wait a second. Yeah, you got it, harvey. Do i look broke . You look like my brother al. Your brother als dead. Uit he was buried in. Come on, pop, lets go. Its nice seeing you, harvey. Yeah, right, son. Hey, listen here, harvey. You stick around. See, when we come back out here, were gonna need somebody to protect us with all this money were fixing to get. Hey, let me explain something to you, pop. Now, youre not gonna get this 1,500 as fast as you think you are, you know. Listen, as soon as phillips hears what we want it for, hell be glad to give it up. Yeah, and then maybe you can give that suit up. Uh, excuse me, please, oh, mr. Sanford, please sit down. Thank you, but ill just sit down. And you are . Lamont sanford. Yes, lamont here, hes secretary treasurer of our conglomerate, and chairman of my distributing chain, and vice emperor of our empire. Oh, its nice to meet the both of you. I pass your empire everyday on my way to work. Ms. Rhodes, please hold the calls. Yeah, listen here, and hold mine too. Now, what can i do for you . Not a thing, its what we can do for you, mr. Magnesia. Thats phillips. Your business is to loan money, aint it . I mean, is it not . Uh, yes. Well, im here to help you stay in business. Well take 1,500, and now, where do i sign . See, were thinking of an expansion program. Yes, an expansion program. Yeah, we want to take over an existing piece of property piece of property. And develop it to its full potential. Were full of potential. Oh, that sounds very interesting. We knew youd feel that way. Now, where do i sign . Oh, now wait a minute. Its a little more complicated than that. Ill need a little more information. Ok, but lets speed it up, shall we . I mean, youll find that our financial position is strong, our fiscal earnings are up, and our parking meter is running out. Well, see, theres a house next to us thats just recently been vacated, and we want to take it over. Uh, buy it . No, we want to rent it. We feel that the money that we get for the rent would, you know, give us a nice little income. Oh, that sounds good. Thank you. Where do i sign . Now, um, how did you arrive at your 1,500 figure . Whered you arrive at your 15 looking face . Mr. Sanford, i can understand your impatience, but i need to know why you want the 1,500. Well, first we gotta pay the last month and first months rent, and uh, you know, do a little plumbing, a little advertising, and we wanted to get a sign. Yeah, and then clean up the place, because, see, the previous tenant was a puerto rican named julio, and its going to cost us its going to cost us a couple hundred dollars just to get rid of them chili stains. [no audio] well, it seems feasible. Well, fease it and, as you know, were anxious to help the small businessman. Small businessman . Well, im only 57. I mean, here, thats my signature. Now you put it anywhere you want to. But just give me my 1,500. Um, is this to be a personal loan . E, our tax man thought it would be to our advantage if we took out a business loan, you know, when it comes time to fill out income tax. Thats what bubba said . Uh, now, what collateral do you have . Huh . Uh, you know, stocks, bonds, uh, property, uh, gold, diam keep on going, keep on going, we got something. Uh, mr. Sanford, i cant believe that youve been in business all these years and you have no collateral to put up . Please believe it. Mr. Sanford listen, i got a sisterinlaw named esther. Now you can shove her up your vault until i get the money to pay you back. Look, im gonna gamble with you. Lets just fill out this form. Thank you. Hey, youre not going to be sorry, mr. Phillips. Look, excuse me for a minute. I gotta go put some money in the parking meter. Ok, now, you wanna come back in, just knock on the door, and the guard will let you in. Ok. Hey, pop, you got a nickel for the meter . Nickel . Say, maggie. I think so. Well, let my son have a nickel and make that loan out for 1,500 and 5 cents. Hey, pop, try and answer the questions straight. No fooling around, all right . I know what im doing. Just go ahead, i know what im doing. You think im crazy . Go ahead, man. Um, age. Upper fifties. Exactly how upper . Uh, 57. Uh, teen. 67. Im sorry, gentlemen. We are closed. Good, we make it a rule never to hold up an open bank. Well, sir, you can come back and, uh uh, the withdrawal slips are the pink ones on the right. You dont have to announce us, well introduce ourselves. Can i do it, al . This is my first time, and i want it to be special. Sure, mel, go ahead. Oh, what a guy [clearing throat] hi, everyone this is an armed robbery, and one of us is a known killer. How was i, al . You did good, kid. Good. All right, everybody, on the floor come one come around here. Listen, now, remember, i was the first one here, so hold out my 1,500. Come on, mr. Ambassador. You too, on the floor listen, listen, pal, just leave 1,500 here, because theyve got thousands of the stuff here, over in the vault. Just leave my 1,500. You men dont have a chance to get out of here with this money. Well get out of here with all of it. Listen, well, you better sit down, out a lot of forms. Hey, i dont want to hurt you, old man old man . Old man . Listen, who you calling old man . Ill be 103 thursday night. Look, why dont you guys just forget about this job . Ive pushed the alarm, the police could be here any minute and you, open that vault. Thats impossible. Listen, dummy, open that vault open it up before you risk your life dont risk your life, give them what they want less my 1,500 [knock on door] al, theres somebody at the door lamont hey, harvey, its me whos me . Go away, me come on, open it up, open it up. And if theres any trouble, we shoot oh, please, let it be esther how come it took you so what do you think is going on . Its a bank robbery, dummy and were the bank robbers. Im Melvin Herman and this is al shut up robinson. Melvin herman . Oh, my gosh, Lamont Lamont sanford Melvin Herman, the cheerleader from Junior High School . Well, i used to be a cheerleader, now im a bank robber. Give me a b, give me an a, give me an n, give me a k. Un] that was you oh, whoops. Now, ok, pal, on the floor, come on yeah, on the floor, on the floor, on the floor. [sirens approaching] see, i told you theyd be here all right, everybody over here. Come on, move it first cop through that door, this thing goes off. What about my loan . Youve got bigger problems, now. There. Come out with your hands up. [yelling] you make one move, and these 7 hostages get it now, for the last time, im telling you, everybody on the floor for the first time im telling you, u your final warning now, this whole thing is starting to get me a little jittery. Now, youve got one more chance to get out of here unharmed. If you cooperate, understand . Cooperate im cooperating everybody get on the floor, i aint gonna tell you again on the floor al we want to talk he wants to talk policeman weve got nothing to say. They aint got nothing to say. Yeah, i heard them. Well, im just cooperating. You got nothing to say, huh . Well, let me help you out. Uh, how about, uh, isnt it a shame that all those hostages got shot . Policeman all right, come out and well talk. Uhuh, no, no, no, you send the cop in and ill tell him what we want. Make sure hes unarmed, and just to make sure hes not carrying anything, have him strip to his shorts. Gosh, hell catch his death you promised we werent going to be cruel. You just cant get good help these days, cop or not . Policeman ok, hes coming in. [knock on door] uh, officer hopkins here for the peace talks. Before we begin all this negotiating, i have got to know the condition of the people youre going to kill. Hey, were all fine, hoppy. Well, i think i would prefer a professional medical opinion on that. Mr. Sanford, hows your heart . Well, if my heart goes, i can always borrow one off your underwear. Are you really a cop . Yes, i am a cop. And i wear my uniform with unmitigated pride. You, what about you . You are the head crook, i presume . Is that correct . Yes, you are correct. And this is what we want. Oh, ok, shoot. I mean, uh, go ahead. A car outside that door. A car outside the door. All you cops, gone. Cops to be gone. And a plane at the airport. And a a plane where . At the airport oh yeah, at the airport. Yeah, a plane at the airport. What about em . Well, they will have to be released before we can acquiesce to any of these demands. No deal. Well, you cant get them all in the car. I get carsick would you rather be shot . Oh, ill share the drivin and chip in on the gas. Now, about these hostages that appear to be doomed. All right, well keep one and let the rest go. If you need a volunteer, ill stay. Proud of him. Yeah, thanks a lot, pop. I hope you realize that your chances of survival with this mad dog killer are quite slim. However, you will be remembered as the man with the big heart. And the big mouth. Yes. Well, i will relay all of these requests to my superiors. And no tricks well, i, uh, have nothing up my sleeve [laughs] because i. Ill just go and tell them. Gee, lamont, youre so strong and heroic, i wish i had gotten to know you better in algebra. Yeah, i might be whatever you are what ever are you . A junkman. Maybe algebra isnt all that important. Hey, look, im not heroic or anything, i just dont want anybody to get hurt, you know . Policeman you in there. Office hopkins has given us your demands. Theyre on their way. Come on, everybody, out. Lamont, son, you the best son a father could hope for. But i dont want you sacrificing your life for me. I mean, youre young. Youre young and you got your whole life ahead of you. Ill be the hostage. You go. He is going. Youre staying. But he volunteered look, im running this robbery, and you see, they wouldnt take a chance with an old man in here. Come on, get going. Hey, now thats good, now everybodys gone. Now you go in there and crack that safe and get my 1,500, yall can keep the rest. Get that car and get out of here wait a minute, what do you intend doing with me . Oh, you coming in the car with us. Then . Well, youll be our protection all the way to the airport. And then . Then you gonna get in the plane with us. Row you out. [moaning] here it is. [unintelligible] this is the biggest one of all times, honey, oh, open up the big vault in the sky, elizabeth. Im about to make a deposit meet me, honey do you think we scared him too much . Yeah, he looks bad its here, elizabeth. Im coming, honey. Meet me at the gates ill be the one with no money he looks ready to cash in hey, you promised me thered be no trouble. And i promised my wife. If she knew it was going to be this awful, she would have put a kibosh on the whole thing. Kibosh . Hey, quiet, im thinking oh quiet, hes thinking oh. Hey, if he dies, this could be a murder rap lamont hey, al, i forgot to tell you, my fathers got a heart condition. Well, if he dont want a hole in the head condition, you better get away from there do what he says, lamont hes vicious policeman were awaiting your car. Im halfway there, elizabeth oh, hello, cloud. Wait a minute, wait a minute hey, the old man is dying in here hey, send in some help but no policemen, just doctors. Hey, im freddy, are you gabriel . Oh, hurry up hey, look, hey, youll be all right hey, were not killers were just a couple of guys trying to make a living. And im just a little guy trying to make a dying. [knock on door] [groaning] er come on, right this way, we need some help hurry up, before he dies you, too hands up up against the counter lets go, lets go. Hey, what about me . Your son said you were ok. That dummy what if i was dying . Everythings under control. Hey, pop, are you ok . No, im not ok suppose i was having a real big one and i was going you wasnt going nowhere until you get the money for that loan, and you know it. Claim the reward is there a reward for these dudes . No, im sorry, mr. Sanford. Theres nothing. You know, i hate you, you know that . But ill take into consideration your bravery when i process your application. Youre nice. Ah, ah, there you are. Safe and sound. Yeah. It could have been dead and gone. Oh, never fear, mr. Sanford. The law is here oh, and by the way, lamont, heres a citation. Overtime parking on the truck. How would you like an overdue punch in your nose . Well take care of that ticket, mr. Sanford. Oh, yeah, you know, you turned out to be all right. And let us know about the loan. Oh, youll get your loan. Really . I mean, thats great really, youll give us a loan . You hear that, lamont . That means we gonna be able to open up sanford arms. Hey, thats great, thats great, pop. Yeah. Thats really great. Bye, lamont. Im sorry it turned out this way, melvin. Oh, thats ok. You know, i really envy you. You have something i never had. A really wonderful marvelous father. If id of had a father like him, a better human being. Its been an honor, sir. You know, i really liked him. Why couldnt you be more like that dummy . You say this is gonna be live . Thats correct. Uh, good afternoon, Don Martinson here, reporting from the state federal bank in watts. Now, the gentleman standing next to me, is mr. Fred sanford. G. Fred g. Sanford. Oh, im sorry, mr. Fred g. Sanford. Uh, mr. Sanford successfully thwarted an attempt at bank robbing this afternoon at this very bank. Mr. Sanford, what you did took a lot of courage. Courage. Daring. Daring. Guts. Guts. Brains. Brains. . And a little chiffafa on the side . [inaudible] uh, mr. Sanford. Mr. Sanford, excuse me, im sure why you did this. I mean, why would you risk your life for this bank . Well, the answer to that is very simple. See, i risked my life because this bank is an important part of our community. Right, mr. Phillips . Yes, sir. And because it helps people like me. Thats right. I see. Im not finished yet. This bank was good to me. You see, i came in here for a loan. They granted it. Thats right. I risked my life because i felt i owe them something thats right he said thats right, you heard him, america 1,800 bucks listen, you wanna know why we need that 1,800 . No, not really. Here. Hello, america. This is my son lamont. Were the owners of the new sanford arms. Every wall has a ceiling, yeah, id just like to say thank you, sir, for that unsolicited testimony. Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me, mr. Sanford, i find that were running out of time, but before we sign off, im sure that the millions and millions of viewers would live very much to know, well, perhaps, youd give them one inspirational thought since you are the hero of the hour. How about that, mr. Sanford . Millions of viewers. Millions. Well, only because you insisted. . Beyond compare . [singing inaudibly] look at this check, son. 1,800. Yeah. Tomorrow well deposit it. All right. Hey, i still dont know why you didnt want to put this in our account today. Well, see, this way, its a new account, and we can get a toaster. Oh, yeah, thats a good idea. Ill deposit it the first thing in the morning, yeah, and then the next thing we oughta do is give our place a little class. Yeah, we need some class. Yeah, see, cause all them fancy hotels, they have they own emblem. Oh, we should have an emblem . I can see it now. All the sheets and pillowcases and towels, silverware of sanford arms, will have beautiful emblems on them. Oh, yeah. S. A. Thats class. S. A. Yeah, thats classy. Say, son, drive me down to the bus station. The bus station . Where you going . New mexico. Yeah, i feel this sudden urge captioning made possible by Sony Pictures television . Good times . . Anytime you need a payment . . Good times . . Anytime you need a friend . . Good times . . Anytime youre out from under . . Not getting hassled, not getting hustled . . Keeping your head above water . . Making a wave when you can . . Temporary layoffs . . Good times . . Good times . . Scratching and surviving . . Good times . . Hanging in a chow line . . Good times . . Aint we lucky we got em . . . Good times . Attention are you eligible for medicare . The medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away