You wont have to worry about replacing your car because youll get the full value back including depreciation. And if you have more than one Liberty Mutual policy, you qualify for a multipolicy discount, saving you money on your car and home coverage. Call for a free quote today. Liberty stands with you . Ththis, uh. Last will and testament. Somethings got to be wrong there. Sound mind . That cant be our cousin george. Would you let me finish . Read on. Being of sound mind and body, since i do not have any children of my own his body wasnt too sound, either, was it . Go ahead. I hereby bequeath to Lamont Sanford the sum of 7,000. 7,000 dol uh. Poor poor cousin george. Hes gone. 7,000, subject to the following conditions that he marry and have a child and that the said child be named George Sanford ii. See, it is my hope through my cousin lamont that my name will be perpetrated for at least one more generation. Isnt that something, pop . Do you believe this, man . Pop . Pop . Pop. Me. A grandfather. Has a nice ring to it, sort of like a cash register. Yeah, well just dont go spending that money too soon, pop, because weve got to think about this. Youre right, son. Lets think about it. Thats long enough. Now, look. Your dear, departed cousin george has left you 7,000 big ones, and all you got to do is have a baby. Look, pop, i know 7,000 is a lot of money, man, but the thing that i see . Its things. Itsits its a color tv. Its a playboy key. Itsits its a new truck. And its 3,500 trips to the 2. 00 window. Well, not yet, it isnt. Just listen to this. If the babys not born within 12 months, the money will be distributed to charities benefiting black people in america. That money is not gonna benefit well, even if i do decide to do it, pop, that doesnt give me much time, you know. You got 9 months. Sometimes, you dont need that. You need at least 9 months unless youre a rabbit. No, you dont. What about that that girl, that peterson girl that married that guy from chicago . They wasnt married but 4 months, and thenwham boomaloom bam baby. Listen, son. Do it. I always wanted me a grandbaby. And i want you to have one, pop. Its just that i dont want to go rushing into something that im gonna be sorry for later. You wont be sorry. Theres nothing like having somebody home where you can come home to them and sit down with them and eat with them and sleep with them and sit around the table counting money with them. Im not getting married, man. Im not ready to give up my freedom. Well, are you ready to give up some of your teeth . You getting married i am not getting married. You got to get married. I dont have to get married. Say, look. Look, pop. Theres a million things that i want to do, man. I want to have adventure and travel. Oh. I want to have girlfriends. Theres plenty of time for girlfriends after you get married. Hey, pop, somethings burning in the oven. Hey, thats it, pop. Ive decided, man. Im not getting married. But what about the 7,000 . The money doesnt count, man. When i get married, its gonna be for love, not money. Well, what about a compromise . Love of money. Do you know what youre asking me to do . Youre asking me to sell myself for 7,000. No, i aint. You dont have to sell yourself. Look, pop. Its not that im against marriage. Its just that i want to wait for the right girl to come along. Well, when is that gonna happen . I dont know. I go out with a lot of girls, but the girls that you go out with arent necessarily the ones you want to marry. Look. You married mom because she was your perfect girl. I mean, she was warm and wonderful and wise and working. Dont worry, pop. Ill find her sooner or later. Better sooner than later. You know, you only got 9 months. You aint bugs bunny. You know, fred, i i still dont think that lamont is gonna appreciate you finding him a wife through a computer. Well, hell sure appreciate that 7,000. Hmm. Hey, grady, lookit there. How to increase your sexual awareness with yogi. No, grady, see, this magazines about cicely tyson, and thats the kind of girl that lamont likes. You really think so, huh . Absolutely. You know you know, fred, i saw her on on tv, and she was 105 years old. Oh, you dumb. That was a role she was playing. She must be. 30ish. 30ish . Boy, she sure let herself go. Now, see. Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting, but if you just step over here. Mr. Sanford, so youre the romeo thats looking for his juliet. No. Im not a romeo. Im fredeo. See, my my son lamont, hes the romeo, y doing brain surgery. Uh, what age is your son . Hes, uh excuse me a minute. What age should i give her . Oh, well, hes 32, aint he . 32. Yeah, right. But. What if, uh, cicely tyson likes an older man . Oh. Then say hes 42. Hes forty wait a minute. What if shes that kind of chick oh. Then say hes, uh, 22. Uh, hes 22. 22. Or 32. Or 42. 22 or 42 . Yeah. See, his mother lost his birth certificate, and i remember it had a 2 on it. Does he enjoy sports . Sports . Yes. Oh, yes. He loves tennis indoor, outdoor if your son had a choice, would he go to a hockey game, a dance, or a movie. Oh, a movie. What type movie . A cicely tysontype movie. Does lamont feel theres too much sex in movies of today . Well. Excuse me. Was there any sex in sounder . No, just a dog. And not enough dogs. Put that down less sex and more dogs. I got it. Now, whats his reason for finding a mate, friendship or matrimony . Matrimony, followed by babymony. Followed by real money. Is he marriageable in the near future . The nearer, the better. How near . Well, they got a few things to take care of, like tuxedoes and a hall and a minister, and we got to get leos barbecue to cater the reception. And. . Here comes the bride . . Oh, here comes the bride . Say, fred, i still think ting that dateamate lady here to dinner. Lamont . I would like to . Hey. Hey, whats the occasion . Oh, didnt i tell you . We have a surprise guest coming to dinner tonight. Oh, goodness, i forgot the wine. Oh, grady, you forget everything. Youyou forgot the wine . Whats wrong with your mind . I dont know, fred. Im the what . Uh, nothing, son, nothing. Come on, grady, lets go get the wine. Hey, pop, why dont you tell me whos coming here tonight . I told you it was a surprise. If i tell you, it wont be no surprise. All right. All right. All right. Now go ahead and clean up andand wash up nice, you know what i mean . Yeah, yeah. Put some stuff under your arms. [telephone ringing] hello. Woman on telephone hello. Is that you, lamont . This is ms. Williams. Who . Ms. Williams of dateamate. We just spoke this afternoon. We did . I made a dinner date for you tonight say, are you sure youre lamont . Your voice sounded more older before. Uh, wait a minute, lady, i think you ha did you say older . Yes, and more gravelly. Uh. Well, thats because this afternoon i had a cold, but im fine now. Now, what was it you were saying about dinner . Well, nora wont be able to make it until 9 00. Will that be ok . Oh, yeah, 9 00 will be perfect. Good. Shes just dying to meet you. The margarine what . Body rubs. Oh, you dont do that anymore . Ah, no, i moved up to the higherprice spread. Shell be there around 9 00. Yeah, right. Bye. So he wants a surprise dinner, huh . Ill give him a surprise. [ring] [click] woman hello . Hello, janet . This is lamont, Lamont Sanford. Oh, hi, lamont. How are you . Fine. How are you doing . Uh, are you busy tonight no. Whats up . Because i need a little favor, and i was wondering if you could help me out. See, um. Do you remember that improvisational acting class that we took together where you played the drunk . Sure. Yeah, well, i was wondering if you could give a little repeat performance tonight over at my house for a little party that my fathers throwing. See, its kind of like a surprise party, and i was wondering if you could wear the dress that you wore that night. Uhhuh. Andand get here at about 8 15, and everythingll be perfect, ok . And when my father answers the door, him that your name is nora simpson and youre my computer date. You got that . Nora simpson. Nora simpson. Ok. What time, again . About 8 15. Uhhuh. Ok, and everythingll be perfect. All right. Ok. Byebye. Uhhuh. Hey, Lamont Lamont ill be right down, pop thats good. She aint got here yet. Ok. Chateau newfie de papa. Ohios best. [knock on door] all right. Hi im nora simpson hey, fred what . What is it . Guess whos coming to dinner . Dont just stand there. Why didnt you open up the door . Im coming. Im coming. Hi im nora simpson will you stop . Dont just stand there laughing. Help me get rid of her. [singing] hey, pop, wheres the dinner guest . Uh, who . The dinner guest. I heard somebody knocking on the door. Nobodys knocking on this door. [knock on door] son, we got to get this door fixed. Hi im nora simpson ah, is everything all right . I mean, im a little early, but i was able to get away. Oh, yeah, that thats perfect. That means that well have more time to get acquainted. Oh, good. Wont you come in and sit down . Oh, thank you. Hello. Uh. Would you like aa drink, miss, uh simpson. Nora simpson. Uhhuh. Id love one, yeah a martini. Oh. One martini. Uh, excuse me, miss, but. Hmm . I dont want to be rude, but you were supposed to be here at 8 00, andand now its 8 10, and we couldnt wait, so everythings gone. So, uh, here. Take a dollar and go get you a fatburger. Hey, pop, shes our guest. Oh, thats ok, lamont. You see, i always bring my own dinner, anyway, see, because i am a vegetarian, so. Uhoh. Listen. That computer must have got yalls cards because yall was supposed to have everything in common. Oh, im sure we do. Uhuh. Youre a vegetarian, and lamont here is a meat freak. Well, pop, i could always learn to be a vegetarian. Could you learn to be white . Uh, heres your drink. Oh, thank you. Mmhmm. How about another one . Oh, sure. And would you hold the olive . [giggle] know what i think . No, what . Well, i think were just gonna hit it off great. One double martini. Oh, merci. Whoo to us, lamont. Yeah, right. Could i have another one, please . Oh. Sure. Uh, how long do you want me to hold these olives . Oh, lamont, you know something . I think youre cute. Uh, i think youre cute, too. Dont you think shes cute, pop . I think that your mustache is cute. Oh, you like his mustache . Yeah. Well, why dont you get ready to leave, and ill have him shave it off, and you can take it home and smoke it. Oh, boy, i am so hungry. Got up a little fast. Yes. Lets just come over here and sit down, and well have some dinner. How am i doing . Youre doing just great. Ohh. Ah, yes. You sit over there on the other side of the table. Yeah, but i want to sit next to nora. You dont want to sit next to nora. Come here, son, and help me get this stuff out of the kitchen. Uh, excuse us, nora. Just make yourself at home. Ok. Grady. Dont do that. Why dont you go into the living room and keep nora company . Say, listen, son. We got to get rid of that girl. Why, pop . She just got here, and besides, i think shes charming. Theres some other charming lushes in the world. Find a black one. Ing said that we were perfect, we were made for each other, and computers dont make mistakes. Well, that one, did a 7,000 one. Pop, would you quit worrying . Im not worrying about me, son. Im worried about my grandbaby. Think of it. A mother thats a lush and a father thats a dummy. My grandbaby my grandbabyll be a lummy. Well, thats not my fault, now, is it . Because you were the one that set this whole thing up lace, pop, not me. Well, how was i to know that the computer was colorblind . It just messed up. The computer didnt mess up. You messed up, and youre gonna have to stick with it because im not gonna go out there and hurt that girls feelings. Well, ill go out there and let her down easy. All right. Let her down easy. Use some tact. I know tact. Use some diplomacy. I know diplomacy. Ill take care of it myself. Say, nora . Yes, mr. Sanford . No, son, i got her here under false pretenses, and, you know, your happiness is more important to me than 7,000. I aint gonna never butt into your business again. Lamont youre sure about that . Positive. Hi. Im nora simpson. Look. You get the door. Ill get some ice. Hi. I shh hmm . Whats the matter . Uh, nothing. Everythings perfect, janet, except youre too late. Ah, you said a quarter after 8 00. Oh, no, you were here on time, showed up, and she did everything that you were supposed to do. Oh. Is she an actress, too . No, no. Shes not an actress. Nobody could act that good. But listen. Everything worked out perfectly, and i appreciate you coming over here, janet. Ill call you up tomorrow and tell you all about it. All right. Ok . Goodbye. Who was that . Uh, nobody, pop. It was just somebody looking for an address, you know. What are you gonna do about lushamate here . Dont worry about her. I can just get home. Im fine. Im fine. I got my car out there parked. On the sidewalk in the hedge. Bye i think im gonna go with her, pop. No, son, wait a minute. Thats not your responsibility. Youre not the one that went down to dateamate. Youre not the one that told all them lies. Youre not the one that started all this here stuff. The one thats at fault should be the one to take her home. 4,571. 52 divided by 312 equals. 7215. Son, how much is 42 and 30 . 72. Why . What are you doing . Im just making a little calculation here. You know, 7,000 aint as much money as it sounds like. What do you mean . Well, look here. After youve paid for the marriage and had the baby and paid leos for the barbecue and the hall and everything and the minister, thats 6,200. That dont leave me and you but 800. What do you mean, me and you . Us. Us . Yeah, us. 400 apiece. See, so the way i figure it, you just give me my 400, then ill save you a lot of trouble. Take this book here and write 400. I wouldnt write 400 down in that book. Write 400 in if i had 400, i wouldnt write 400. [both talking at once] captioning made possible by Sony Pictures television . Good times . . Anytime you need a friend . . Good times . . Anytime youre out from under . . Not getting hassled, not getting hustled . . Keeping your head above water . . Making a wave when you can . . Temporary layoffs . . Good times . . Easy credit ripoffs . . Good times . . Scratching and surviving . . Good times . . Hanging in a chow line . . Good times . . Aint we lucky we got em .