And you know, all these people, look whos here. They all have professional staffs. [indistinct conversations] you know, theres a lot of his stuff thats timely. [laughs] joan, um, what is it like being a comedic icon . Im sure comedians come up to you and say, you were an inspiration. Joan im not ready to be an icon. Im not ready to be told thank you. [bleep] you. [laughter] announcer lewis black, margaret cho, ben e. King. Dont know him. Denis leary. Clever. Bill maher. Brilliant. Joan rivers. Okay. Garry shandling. Brilliant. Jon stewart. Smart. Ben stiller. Eh. Lucky. And lily tomlin. Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin all right, folks, whats happening . [joan speaking indistinctly] tomlin . The smothers brothers in laughin, and it was just a great time to be in comedy. [applause] Richard Belzer few people are always funny, but certainly one of the chosen people is our next presenter, the fabulous joan rivers, ladies and gentlemen. [applause] [fanfare plays] we used to play these terrible clubs. Literally, we didnt get paid. You passed the hat, and some nights the hat would come back with a severed head, some nights. [laughter] they asked me to say a couple of words about george, and i kept thinking, that is so unfair. You cannot sum George Carlin up in two words. Give me at least seven. And. [applause] [ben e. King singing in background] maher you were so funny. Joan i think today went very well. I think i did not embarrass myself at all. I think i was fine. I think i was funnier than a lot of people, not as funny as a lot of people, but yeah, i was perfectly fine. Im getting ready to go to wisconsin. Ive never done an act before in mukluks. [laughs] they have no idea. Theyll stare at me. When i say, where are the gays . Theyre gonna tell us, dead, we killed them. [laughs] why am i going to wisconsin . A thing called money. Theyre so desperate to get me, theyre paying me. Thats why im going to wisconsin. I worked last night. I worked in toronto till about 2 30 in the morning on the shopping channel. Then i got up at 5 00 to make a 7 00 plane or something to chicago, and then from chicago, i took a little what they call puddle jumper. It was adorable. How is the Gay Community here . That i really dont know. Joan oh, see. Ask your cousin. [both laugh] ask your wifes brother. Woman is this the most remote place . No, oh, no. Woman wheres the most remote place youve ever played . Reykjavik, iceland. Uh, ive played em all. Juneau. Oh, are they wrong. That was called the texas motel. [laughter] they are off. [laughs] some places, as you know, better than others. This would not be my first choice of decor. The audience is gonna be very born again, i have a feeling, very fundamentalist. Theyre gonna get very shaken up. [laughs] get the check. Graham yeah, right. Joan whatever i do onstage. Are they gonna clean the stage a little bit, cause i kind of roll around on it and stuff. Its a little. Ick theres gum. Arent you the makeup person . You win the award. That showed up with no makeup . Dont you have your makeup . Arent you the makeup girl . Shes the makeup girl. She didnt bring makeup. May. [graham laughs] good month. Graham of next year. Joan may of next year. You leave new york, you leave l. A. , you leave the world. But thats what makes it charming. [applause, band playing] first of all, where are, where are we . What the hell is going. I was out in the casino. A guy put a quarter in, fish came out [laughter] never mind viagra. What about cialis . 36 [bleep] hours a man has an erection . An 85yearold man for 36 hours . Thats devils work. And on these poor old driedout, old wives . And these guys on top of them, in and out, in and out theyre gonna set them on fire its yes [laughter] ugh, i hate children. Ugggh. Ugh. The only child i think i would have liked ever was helen keller cause she didnt talk. It is just. Man not very funny joan yes, it is and if you dont then leave man it isnt funny if you have a deaf son. I happen to have a deaf mother. Oh, you stupid ass, let me tell you what comedy is about. Man you go ahead and tell me what. Joan oh, please. You are so stupid. Comedy is to make everybody laugh at everything and deal with things, you idiot. My mother is deaf, you stupid son of a bitch. [applause] dont tell me. And just in case you can hear me in the hallway, i lived for nine years with a man with one leg. Okay, you [bleep] . And were gonna talk about what its like to have a man with one leg, who lost it in world war ii and never went back to get it, cause thats [bleep] littering. [laughter and applause] so dont you tell me whats funny. Comedy is to make us laugh. 9 11 . If we didnt laugh, where the hell would we all be . Think about that. Where the hell would we all be . How can you not find osama . There is one. There is one outlet. Hes on dialysis. There is one outlet in all of afghanistan. Find the plug. [laughter] and follow the cord. [laughter, applause, band plays] okay. How about that . Excellent. I have a. A deaf son uhh what a good way to build. That was a very difficult moment. It throws you terribly because you know the audience is so nervous and so scared to laugh. Your mind is going a mile a minute. Where am i gonna go . What am i gonna do . Where am i gonna take them . So there are two things going on your mouth and your head. Luckily i was able to get them back. Woman thank you. You are ive never laughed so hard in my life joan youre a good laugher and that makes such a difference. Oh, i know. And that, that rotten guy. I was ready to get up and say tell him to leave. He has a deaf son. I know, but hes got to realize that this is comedy. Comedy. I felt terribly sorry for the man with the deaf son, and of course hes angry. Of course hes angry, and i get that, but dont ruin the whole act. But maybe it got it out of him, and maybe its good what happened to him too. He had a kind of a catharsis. And youre driving us . Yes. Have you been drinking . No, maam. Have you been drugging . No. Have you been whoring . Only today. Okay, well, thats good. Then youll be relaxed. [laughs] you ought to just head for new york and just get me home. Theres nothing like your own bed. Nothing like your own bed. They called my agent. They wanted to get william shatner, he said no. They wanted to get george hamilton, he said no. So i said, a woman should do it, ill do it. Extend. Woman oh. Extend, which is. You take a pill and the mans penis just grows. Jocelyn its called penile enlargement. Not penile enlargement. Just lucky. Oh, look whos. Look whos a big boy now [both laugh] jocelyn joan will turn nothing down at all, nothing. Man she hears the clock ticking every minute of every hour of every day. Joan im going to palm springs for. What is this for . Do you know what this is for . The betty ford clinic. This is for the betty ford clinic. So theyll be very serious about drugs. [laughs] are they lining you up like nazis . All right, thats all right. [laughter] sorry, bitch, im not carol channing, but this will have to do. Much love, joan rivers. Thank you. Joan so, i have ss, sibilant ss. Sss sss even a little more. If you take out the top or the bottom, that usually works pretty well. This is the early joan, and this is me. [as joan] oh, darling, can we talk . Oh, does this tampon make me look fat . Woman were gonna go straight down this hallway. Ill follow you. Okay. Love that the nails match the dress. I think thats so fabulous. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Woman be careful. Joan i am, its wet. Victoria beckham, ugh, ugh does the tampon make me look fat . I cant stand her okay, up we go. And were going to minneapolis, right . Man yes, its cold there. All right, and thank you. You were terrific. Man pleasure meeting you. Joan thank you. Hello. I dont care if its god himself. No one is to call my room until 6 30. Man okay save your money when youre younger, that you dont have to whore yourself out when youre old. [laughs] to be roasted. Comedy central. Oh, god. I know, but the money is extraordinary. I am so depressed. I cant even go there with you now. This, this is the cherry on the cake. Mohammed, could you stop for a moment so i can get out in front of the car and could you just run me over . End it now, mohammed. Jocelyn you cant be. Oh, do you know the jokes . Every joke is gonna be Plastic Surgery or old. Comes back at you, doesnt it . Jocelyn yep. God. Man over p. A. miss rivers to the set, please. [bell rings] man slate in. Stand by. And action [spits] this tastes like urine you crazy [bleep] bitch. The crew loves me. They keep telling you its an honor. Im telling you that if i had invested wisely, i wouldnt be doing this. Woman by the way, did you know that ive never done a roast in my life . Theyre so disgusting. Theyre not disgusting. It is an honor, im telling you. No, dont make that face. But the moneys very good. The money is good, which is an honor. I mean, im an artist doing it for the art like you are. Couple of artists with easels, sitting around collecting our money. Man over p. A. joan will cross to her seat, all right . Lets say three, two, one, go. Joan talk about lucky brad and angelina are having a sale look at them go on down now. Auntie joanies busy. Oh [bleep] okay . No, no. Dont go yet. Were just. And this is at this point, thats when you would go. Could somebody help me here please . No, no, no, wait. Dont bother. You know, if everybodys giving you a standing ovation, that joke probably wont read that well. I beg you, it will read. I will wait till the standing ovation is over. I will get up here. They will not sit down till you sit down. Well, then, theyre gonna stand till i sit. Im pleading with you, dont knock every joke or its not gonna be funny. Im begging you. Im pleading with you. I will thank them, and then i will either sit down and miss the chair. I will do something funny cause i am a funny person. [laughter and applause] hello, hello, hello we are here to celebrate the career of a groundbreaking comedian and a legendary bitch. [laughter] man how much worse could your real face look than that clown mask youve had welded onto your head . Look at her, shes a cougar. Freddie cougar. Joans face has been lifted so many times that when she sneezes, she has to blow her [bleep]. [laughter] joan i get mad at myself. I think, at this age, youve been doing it since 1966, and you shouldnt let them upset you anymore, but they do. I did the Comedy Central roast, okay . [cheering and applause] which was great. I was they said such mean, disgusting filth. They called me a whore and a [bleep] and a this and a that. I kept thinking, how do they know me . Its just. [laughter and applause] oh, oh, oh, sure, turn against the queen. [laughter] its like marie antoinette. Yeah, like youre gonna do better with kathy griffin. [bleep] you it is just. When she lasts 45 years, then go stand on my grave. Just kidding i love kathy. Melissa wheres billy these days . Joan i have no idea. Hes no longer really part of my career. He, he cant be. I spend too much energy looking for billy and too many phone calls coming in from people that havent heard from billy, and, uh, cant deal with it. You know its bad when people Say Something to me. I run into people and theyre like, oh, we were trying to reach billy and he never called us back. Yeah, but let us know. Yeah, just say, call jocelyn. Yeah. Joan billy, unfortunately, is no longer part of my team. I sent him an email saying were no longer in business together. He just cant be counted on and, uh, its killing me. Ill tell you why it really upset me. [tearfully] billy is one of the last links that i can say, do you remember . And i had to cut that off. And i think thats its not the business. Thats where i. I cannot tell you, i will never not miss billy. He was there when melissa was born. He was there for edgars funeral, you know . Hes a link. I have no one to say, do you remember when Bernie Brillstein gave his party and edgar was the only one that came in black tie . I know it sounds. He was my last memory bank, and i have no one, no one to say that to now, and that is very difficult for me. Tonight is the live finale of celebrity apprentice, and it is between me and annie duke. If i win, im back. Im back in spite of being a woman, in spite of being 75, and in spite of being blackballed from nbc. Im back, you bastards. And its been a tremendous, tremendous season. Annie, do you know what im going to say . No, i have no idea. Im gonna say, annie. No,youre fired. Ea. [applause] its great. This is wonderful. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, splash. Its great. Its terrific. [sighs] here we go. But its just celebrity apprentice. I mean, its not the academy award, but it was wonderful and im very happy i won. Congratulations thank you. Larry and ive always said, you cant get hit by lightning if youre not standing out in the rain. Nobody can stand in the rain longer than joan rivers. She will stay there. Shes the last person standing. Shell let it rain, shell let it rain, shell let it rain, because she knows lightning can hit, cause its hit her more than once, but she knows you have to stay out in the rain, and she did. Jocelyn line two. Joan line two, okay. Hello, my sweetheart. Yeah. All right, so tell me. Tell me yes or no, just tell me fast. [screams] thats fabulous are you ki [screams] jocelyn we were, we were picked up no way. Awesome yeah, we got it kathy you know what the real pinnacle in a comedy career is . Its not an oscar. Its not one thing. Its the fact that youre still doing it. Thats really whats so rock star about her. Shes really the master of sticking in there. Jocelyn oh, wait, lets talk about what this is gonna entail. Its a photo shoot for the New York Times . Joan i could do it monday afternoon if they want. Im still in town. Right now, everything is absolutely wonderful. I am the golden girl, but i have been here before and i know nothing is yours permanently and you better enjoy it while its happening. So, next week. Mondaregis and kelly, book signing, qvc; tuesday wor, rachael ray, howard stern, cutting room; wednesday florida, breakfast lecture, do an afternoon book signing, back to miami, perform two shows; thursday l. A. , the doctors, radio show, redeyeing home, qvc, corporate booking, then back to cutting room. Okay, thats fine. Is that locked . Get him out of the picture. [laughter] its me alone. Its an artist alone shot. Grabbing you, mohammed. Thank you. I am opening for don rickles, and when they say opening, what it is is, he and i split the money, and years ago when we started, i said, well, ill open, cause that means i get out earlier, and hes still pissed about it. [laughs] theater is wonderful here. Its a vegassized theater. Its, what, 1,800 or 2,000 . Jocelyn no, its 4,000, yeah. Its a 4,000person theater. Im nervous. [laughter] but i go way back with joan, when she was in vegas and she was a struggling comedian and we got to know each other. Shes done an outstanding job with her career. I mean that. She has outstanding timing, and she takes her work very seriously, and if i didnt marry my barbara, i would have married joan, and with that remark. Ack ack god oh, god, i was kidding around ah, god, why . Joan don rickles is in his late 80s and he is still hilarious. Hes like george burns, who was amazing until he was in his late 90s. And phyllis diller, till she was 92, she just laid it down. And id like to beat them all. And i think i will. [laughs] thats whats so sick, i think i will. First wife is always some poor, dumb bitch who he married on the way up. Second wife is always like, hello [gibberish], and hes a [bleep], he marries her. And the third wife, hes 96, the balls are on the ground, shes 11, shes chinese. I ruv you. [cheering and applause] thank you. A pleasure. [orchestra plays] this is where i belong. Only time im truly, truly happy is when i am on a stage. Why cant you do a good job once . Its embarrassing. I keep saying, shes wonderful, and you always fail me. Joan i am a performer. That is my life. That is what i am. Thats it. [orchestra continues] [duo vocalizing melody] you know their names. Whoo because their spirit just wouldnt be tamed. You know who they are. Because of us. That one picture belongs to the public, really. Were american masters. The wild side said, hey, honey take a walk on the wild side american masters is supported by the corporation for public broadcasting. And by. And by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. Surprise to learn more about joan rivers and other american masters, visit pbs. Org americanmasters or find us on facebook, twitter, and tumblr. Joan rivers a piece of work is available on dvd for 24. 98 plus shipping. To order, call 18003361917 or write to the address on your screen. Theyre doing a documentary of my life. And you said earlier that theyre just waiting for the moment, right . Theyre praying that ill die during this, this filming. Wouldnt that be great . Wouldnt that be amazing . They got the last year of joan rivers. It would give them such a hook. People would watch. People would watch. Thats sick. I know, but still, its sick but very commercial. Youd watch. Id watch. [rivers chuckles] rose welcome to the program. Tonight, an exclusive interview with abdelfattah elsisi, the president of egypt. translated the egyptians understand the states and institutions are keen on the strategic relationship between egypt and the united states. There may be differences in opinion. This is possible. This is normal in relations among countries. But still, the relation between egypt and the united states, a stable and strategic one. Rose the president of egypt for the hour, next. Funding for charlie rose is provided by the following