Heard it from a friend who heard it from another. Reo speedwagon saved us several stops, as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. But when their trail had led to a bartender in virginia, they had given up, much the way the world had given up on them. In fact, just to kick them a couple extra bucks, heres five seconds of time for me to fly. No, dont all the money goes to my bitch exwife can you play our song . Peter okay, lead singer from asia. Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky this lie is over. We cant go to virginia, peter. Bonnie and lois planned that couples weekend to maine. Were supposed to leave in the morning. Yeah, peter, weve looked long enough. Maybe the joke doesnt have a source. Dont be stupid. Somebody had to have made it up. And were going to find out who. Besides, this will be way more fun than hanging out in maine with the wives, sitting around a campfire, listening to lois tell grocery stories. imitating lois oh, peter, you should have been there. Uncle bens converted brown rice was on sale. They marked it down from 12 to. To three. Whatever i dont know how much rice is, but you know what im saying. Okay, peter, ive got the directions. Head north on the turnpike. Thats going to be the quickest route to maine. Sure, lois. Say, ladies, i was wondering if you could tell me what was childbirth like . Oh, glenn, you have no idea. Its something no man could understand. Think of the most intense pain youve ever felt, and imagine feeling that for hours. Lois well, and then, by the eighth month, i had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. Bonnie and then, they said i was four centimeters dilated. They didnt think i was far enough, but i was like, i can tell you im far enough. Lois and thats when chris was born. Gosh, thats all so fascinating. Let me ask you something else. Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women who you have negative things to say about . Oh, god, yes. Oh, my god. Quagmire, shut up. Were here. Americas navy. A global force for good. All right, look, were sorry we deceived you girls, but this is important. The trail leads to a bartender who works here. He could be the source of the dirty joke. Hi, there. What can i do for you gentlemen . Weve traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke. Oh. raspy laugh i remember that. I heard it from that guy. Cleveland . hey, fellas. Holy crap who knew wed run into you here . Except everyone, if fox ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is. Hey, you know, cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your jesus. Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fatass. All right, cleveland, lets get down to business. Who told you the joke . A bellhop at the royale hotel in washington, dc. I met him when i took cleveland jr. There to see the lincoln memorial. But then daddy got frustrated cause he couldnt find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. Im just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. Anyway, the bellhops name is sal russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written. Then thats the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, dont get too used to being around black people, cause we are going to washington, dc. Now, wait a minute, peter. Donnas been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wildgoose chase. Well, lois, if you and bonnie want to stay here, maybe cleveland could join us. Okay, guys, i got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man or surgery from a female doctor . Wow. Like, minor surgery . No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something. Geez. Good question, peter. Is the man gay . No. Is the female doctor at least jewish or asian . No, but, actually, you know what . Im going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse . Hispanic from spain . No. Ah. Ah. Ah. So, its basically would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die . All right, i got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth or eat a raw slice of anderson coopers ass . Sign me up for cooper. gunshot blast, all scream what the hell . tires screeching tires screeching what the hell was that about . Who were those guys . I dont know, but ill tell you this i saw one of them back in the bar in stoolbend. You think they were following us . Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. Ah, joe, thats so dumb. Why would anybody be trying to kill us . It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us to learn the origin of that joke. Peter we had no idea how right cleveland was. And if we had known what lay ahead, we wouldve stopped right there and gone straight back to quahog. But we didnt know. whispers we didnt know. There it is washington, dc, the seat of government for the worlds former most powerful nation. Wow, those are all the monuments i read about in school. Theres the washington monument. Theres the obama monument. And theres the vietnam war memorial. Yeah, check out that vietnamese guy giving the business to those vietnam vets. Scoreboard scoreboard aw, what happened to your friend . hey, i know that guy i kill him he cry like a bitch vietnam, undefeated all right, this is the hotel where the bellhop works. Hey, there he is. Sal well, hey, cleveland what are you doing here . I was wondering if my friends and i could ask you a few questions. Yeah, whered you hear that dirty joke you told cleveland . Thats none of your business leave me alone dont let him get away horn blares, tires squeal hop on where did he go . i think he went that way, past the reflecting pool damn hes nowhere in sight. Ill ask these fellas. Maybe theyve seen him. Excuse me, have you seen. . Hhhold on a second. Im trying. Hold on a sec. Hey, pal, stop talking while im talking, all right . You want a sandwich fulla knuckles . Do ya . All right, thats it. Cleveland, you take cleveland. Joe, you take joe. Quagmire, you take quagmire and ill get fatty mcloudmouth. Its no use, peter. Weve lost him. Peter our journey had abruptly ended, and the trail had gone cold. Well, i guess were never gonna find the source of that joke. I guess theres nothing to do now but head back home. Stop right where you are all gasp down on the ground peter we were all terrified that this would prove to be an unexpected end to our journey. But little did we know, our journey was far from over. grunting aah aah ooh oh all right, did you get the parking validated . Ugh no. sighs that was the whole reason we walked through crate barrel. [ dad ] so i walked into that dealers office and you know what i walked out with . [ slurps ] [ dad ] a new passat. [ dad ] 0 apr. 60 months. Done and done. [ dad ] in that driveway, is a germanengineered piece of awesome. That i got for 0 apr. Good one, dad. Thank you, dalton. [ male announcer ] its the car you wont stop talking about. Ever. Hurry in to the volkswagen best. Thing. Ever. Event. And get 0 apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd. Thats the power of german engineering. Peter wed been captured, tied up and kidnapped. And as if that werent bad enough, we found ourselves on a plane, headed to an unknown destination. Where the hell are they taking us . I dont know, but i got a bad feeling. baby cries sighs every plane. Every plane theres gotta be a crying baby and a mother ignoring it. Yes, hes crying. Babies cry. Peter after flying for what seemed like hours, we found ourselves approaching a Strange Island on the horizon. tires screech what the hell is this place . It is that which you have been seeking, gentlemen. Who are you . I am the dean. The dean of what . The dean of the secret order of dirty joke writers. Wow. So these are the people who write all the worlds dirty jokes . Indeed they are. Hey, isnt that Stephen Hawking . electronic voice so the housewife tells the plumber, okay, you cleaned my pipes, now get to work on that sink. laughter electronic laughter and theres bill gates. Is there some joke area of a beaver eating a woodpecker . Is that something. . Would that work . Wow. These are some of the worlds smartest people. Not a lot of women. Yeah, not a lot of women. What are they all doing here . Well, many of the worlds greatest geniuses secretly devote themselves to coming up with the worlds dirtiest jokes. Oh, its been that way for centuries. Great men such as ben franklin, charles dickens, albert einstein. Shakespeare, of course. I got a spear you can shake. Ha there you go, put that in one of your jokes. Let me show you around. From this room, we can see the entire worlds joke supply. This way, we can tailor jokes to where the need is greatest. Sir, we have a best man giving a toast at a wedding, and he is just bombing. Put it up on the screen. Jims. Jims so clumsy, its like hes got two coughs left feet and left hands. Permission to go to the bride is a whore file, sir. Permission granted. Anyway, if sheila was a road sign, it would read open trench. all laugh all cheering well, gentlemen, i hope youve enjoyed the tour of our facility. This was amazing guys, we did it we found the source of the worlds dirty jokes i cant wait to tell all the guys back at the clam oh, im afraid thats quite impossible. What do you mean . Well, youve seen our secret island. You know about our network of joke distribution agents, like the bellhop. We cant allow the secret to be revealed. Im afraid you must stay here for the rest of your lives. What are we gonna do now . We gotta come up with an escape plan. Hey, guys, i can see the plane that brought us here if we can figure out a way to get to it, i can fly us home i got an idea. One of us should pretend were hurt, and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, well jump em thats perfect, joe. Hey, cleveland, you got a pencil on you . Oh, gosh, i dont know. Oh, wait, here you go. Thanks. Aah what the hell . hey, help, help we have an emergency you dick whats going on in here . this man has been injured he needs medical attention come on. Lets get out of here all right, lets hurry up and find a way out all gasp well, well, its quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem. Kill them. guns cock my god, ive done it after 80 years of work and research, i have written the greatest dirty joke in the history of mankind laughs gasps groans give me that not on your life take one step closer and the paper gets it. Drop your guns do as he says put it out put it out oh, my god its heading for the first dead baby joke ever written explosions look what we did. We destroyed a place that brought joy and laughter to the entire world. Is that the end of all dirty jokes . Well, maybe it is. But peters got the best one ever written right there. Read it, peter. Guess what . Chicken butt. Thats it . Thats the joke . No, this is the joke screams now take me back to virginia, so i can put some bacitracin on this and pork my wife peter it was a great adventure. And it was great having cleveland along with us again. He hasnt changed a bit. Didnt grab one check. Anyway, thats our story about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. For those of you who stuck around till the end, you deserve a reward. So heres some footage of an ape scratching himself. See, the march of dimes wanted this air time to talk about cancer kids or something, but i was like, no way monkey scratch you know, from our 4,000 television commercials. Yep, there i am with flo. Hoohoo watch it [chuckles] anyhoo, 3 Million People switched to me last year, saving an average of 475. [sigh] it feels good to help people save. With great discounts like safe driver, multicar, and multipolicy. So call me today. Youll be glad you did. Cannonbox [splash ] exclaiming school bell ringing barney belches whistle blows yells beeping playing the blues grunts ooh gunfire tires screeching horn honking, grampa shouts doh tires screeching grunts snap, homer yells groans you dean martin youre nobody till somebody loves you youre nobody till somebody cares cat yowls dog barks shouting gibberish shouting gibberish car meows speaking gibberish speaking gibberish dayee. speaking gibberish fierce snarling and yowling door creaks you know, i love our valentines day tradition of going out with each others sisters. Is there anything better than my best friends face on a girl body . Not that i can think of. Nothing better. Boy, i love valentines day. Stir a drop of jagermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry chapstick, mmm. Call it cupids ambrosia, and you can charge up to the wazoo. laughs now all you need are customers. Well, better get home to the little woman. chuckles door creaks do you have plans for tonight . What, are you crazy . Of course i do. Got a hot date. Come on, scram, so i can get ready. Im telling you, im fine. I never been happier. See . There. There, thats a smile, right . Showing teeth, eyes all crinkly. sobbing hey, hey, stop Opening Doors tv announcer coming up next on world of war, hmm . Hitler and eva braun crazy in love. changes channel even you let me down, hitler man hey, you spending valentines day by yourself . Huhza . If youre watching this alone, your love life is like sister act 3 no whoopi i knew my love life was like that movie somehow. Well, im gonna tell you my secrets right now. If right now means tomorrow night at my seminar at the Springfield Airport motor lodge. So, if youre ready to turn from couch potato to sex tornado, come and see me, dr. Kissingher. Eh, what have i got to lose. They say for every man somewhere on earth theres one woman. alarm clock buzzing gasps homer we only have five minutes until the school bus comes. gasps drive my kids to school never yells, grunts stupid double snugglers hitch grunting only hope is to chew off my leg ow ow mmm, not bad. grunting just 127 more hours