Well, in that case, who cares . i care you know, for one week out of the year, could i have that to enjoy myself . Fine good speaking of enjoying yourselves, whos going to see Robert Goulet in camelot tonight . Really . Oh, thats my favorite show. I know. Joe, look. Whoa 65 bucks each. I wonder how much of this goes to goulet . All right, well, you guys have a great time. I got a union thing i got to go to. Aw, thank you, dougie. That was so generous of you. Come on, you guys raised me. You paid for me to go to college. Sorry that didnt work out. Whoo, look at you. You look beautiful. Thank you, carrie. I am so looking forward to tonight. Theres nothing more exciting than a live show. Yeah. The last live show doug took me to was 2 guys fighting in a cage. Oh, no, youre not wearing that train hat to the theater. I cant go. What . I just got a call from the Convention Center. Theyre assigning the table locations tonight, not in the morning. So . So if i dont get down there asap, ill be way in the back with all those monorail freaks. But dougie bought those tickets. Hey, the grand conductor makes the assignments, not me. Im sorry. I gotta go. Im sorry, janet. Dont be. Who needs him . Hey, maybe youll come with me. We could do a girls night out. Oh, i wish i could, but i have all this work. Oh, yeah, of course, your work. Hey, you know what . Theres no law against a woman going to the theater by herself. Ill just, uh. Ill do it, and itll be better, you know, because i wont have to fight with joe for the armrest. Yeah, there you go. So im just going to get my bag. Hey, dad, youre home early. Tough night at the senior center. I had to flip the checker board in a fit of rage earlier than usual. I take it the duke and duchess of Fort Lauderdale have arrived. Goulets in town . Yeah. Hey, why dont you go with janet . Me . yeah. Joe cant go and i have all this work, and it would help everyone out if you would take her. What do you say . No posible, senorita. Dad, come on. Please . How can i say no to my little girl . 10 bucks, plus expenses. Subway fare, 3. 00. 2 knishes, 4. 00. Janet, how much was that program . Oh, these are free. Uhhuh. One commemorative program, 12. 95. It was so nice of you to come with me, arthur. My pleasure. Carry the 1. Its a beautiful theater. The last time i was here, i was a young socialist dreamer taking in the Opening Night of a Clifford Odets musical. I believe it was called, johnny wants a living wage. But i dont want to bore you. Oh, its not boring at all. I love the theater. I can never get joe to come, let alone talk about it, so please go on. Well, it was a marvelous play, almost brechtian with a sassy hint of oldtime burlesque. It closed that night. My, how fascinating. You want fascinating . Have i ever told you about the night i pumped helen hayes stomach . [door opens] janet oh, my goodness. [laughs] oh, that was a hoot. I havent had so much fun in years. Arthur well, Arthur Spooner does not disappoint. Well, good night, and thank you again for a lovely evening. Thank you, milady. Hello, douglas. Good night. Served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich comes with fries and your choice of soup or salad. Its just one of chilis delicious lunch break combos. More life happens here. Even when you dont now yhave time for a break break with new kit kat minis. Poppable, bitesized minis that let you make break time anytime. And then theres juicy chicken with hellmanns hellmanns is the secret to making parmesan crusted chicken. [ bell dings ]. So crispy so juicy so delicious its your secret to making dinner disappear hellmanns. Bring out the best to making dinner disappear hey, ma. Oh, hey, honey. Off to work . Yeah. Is dad up yet . Up . Hes already at the Convention Center with his trains. Oh. I feel bad leaving you here by yourself. You want to meet me for lunch later or oh, just a reminder, janet bring a light sweater. Its chilly on the lake. Ok. No, thanks, honey, ill be fine. Come fly with me lets fly, lets fly away if you can use some exotic booze theres a bar in far bombay come fly with me lets fly, lets fly away come fly with me lets float down to peru in llama land theres a oneman band and hell toot his flute for you come fly with me lets take up in the blue once i get you up there where the air is rarefied. Hey, honey. Im reading an article nine ways to please your man. Now, this might be the wine talking, but i am willing to do 2 of them. Thats great. Look, i know youve been busy with your bubble baths and whatnot. I just wanted to get you up to speed on a couple things. Uh, were getting low on mayo, i fixed that faucet thing, and, oh, yeah, our parents are dating. No, theyre not. Theyre just spending time together. See, this is all your fault. What . Yeah, cause you had to send your father with my mother to the theater. Why would you do that . I mean, theres a reason we keep him in the basement. Doug, i was just trying to do something nice for your mother. Oh, really . Yeah, and you know what . We wouldnt be having this conversation if your father would have taken her. But, no, of course, he had a very serious choochoo emergency. Hey, when he wins that golden caboose, youre gonna be sucking on a nice cold shutupsicle. Doug, i know this is hard for you to handle, ok, but your parents are having problems. They are not yes, they are. Your father has been neglecting your mother. Hello its train week. Maybe theyre going through a little bit of a rough spot, but it doesnt help having your dad sniffin around my mom. And by the way, yesterday, i think i saw him doing that. So what do you want me to do . Talk to him. Tell him to back off. All right, i will talk to my father, but i really do think you need to talk to your mother. Oh, really . You just get the monkey in the cage ugh. Hey, dad. Ah, just the man i wanted to see. Heres the total expenses ive incurred for janet. I think youll find my rates are quite competitive. Uh, listen, dad. I dont think you should take janet out tonight. Why . Ive already billed you for it. Well, i think dougs parents are having some problems, and i dont want janet to misinterpret your intentions. I assure you, my intentions are purely monetary. Well, thats good to know. Plus, shes not really my type. Arthur spooner likes em lean and mean like a feral cat. Ok, well, im glad you understand because youre a pretty charming guy. And with you in the picture, anything can happen. You know what im saying . Yes, i do. Ok. Although, now that you bring it up, this last week has been such a crazy whirlwind, i really havent had a chance to gauge my feelings for janet. No, dad, no feelings. Nothing to gauge. I mean, janet does have a smile that lights up the room. See, i disagree. Middleoftheroad smile. And you did say her marriage is on the rocks, so id just be speeding up the inevitable. Ok, dad, i will give you 500 if you stay away from dougs mother. My love cant be bought oh, hi, dougie. Hey, ma. Arties taking me to the velvet lounge tonight. Is this dressy enough . Actually, you know, i want to talk to you about arthur for a second. Oh, sure. What is it . I want to thank you, first of all, for putting up with his craziness all week. Welcome to my world, you know what im saying . Oh, i dont mind. I like arthur. Yeah, you know, you like him, in the way you like a sad little 3legged dog. Actually, its more pity than like. Am i right . No, i really like him. Ok, fine, you really like him. Whats your point . My point is, you dont actually like him like you like dad, right . Im so confused. Oh, god. Its just that its been so long since. Someone paid attention to me, someone who was excited to spend time with me. Dad does that. No, he doesnt. All he cares about is his trains. Yeah, he likes his trains, but you guys have so much other stuff. Like what . You got your boggle. Uh, judging amy. Judge judy all your judges. Bottom lineyou guys got a lot of stuff. Look, doug, i know that im not a young girl anymore, but i still have urges and desires that need to be fulfilled. Mmhmm. And im not just talking about the physical act of sex. Which, by the way, your father all right, ma, thats it no more desires or urges, and you are not to be fulfilled. Now go in there and bake something im sorry, douglas, but i am going out with arthur tonight. Did you talk to your dad . Um, yes, we talked. Douglas, i want you to know if things between your mother and i go the way i think theyre heading, i would never try to replace your father. But i do expect to be obeyed. What happened down there . I dont know. It got away from me pretty fast. Ok. You listen up, old man. Um, if you try to take my mother out again, youre gonna be in a world of pain. Son, this belt doesnt just keep my pants up. Hey, dad. Yeah, just a sec. Huh . Huh . You think dorfmans got this in his stupid Alpine Village . Uhuh. Yeah, thats great. You know, mom went out with arthur again tonight. Oh, good. Hey, hand me that little chinese couple. If you want a shot at winning this, you gotta play the p. C. Game. Look, i talked to mom, and i gotta tell you shes not completely happy. Aw, you know your mom. Shes fine. No, dad, shes not. And you know where she went with arthur . To the velvet lounge. Really . Thats where i used to take her when we started dating. Yeah, you know, i think you should go to her. No, i cant. This is judging night. This is my year. Im gonna get that golden caboose. Dad, will you stop with the trains . Stop enough already i mean, mom was right. All you care about are these damn trains. Our whole lives, they came first. Thats not true. It is true. Even when i was a kid you wouldnt let me touch them. You had your chance and you blew it. I was 4, the freight car looked like a candy bar. Turn the page. Aw, come on, dougie. Even when i got older, dad, you said i couldnt play with them because i didnt have a license. There were no licenses, were there . Not at the time, no. Its your mothers really unhappy . Youre right. These trains, they hurt the people i love. I got to go find your mother. Good. I, uh. I need you to do me a favor, son. What . Take the boston bullet into the station. Can do. [soft jazz playing] janet, i must say, you move with a silky elegance. Thank you, arthur. We can stay out as late as you want. Ive adjusted my medications accordingly. [music ends] oh. Oh, it looks like someone could use another martooni. Well, maybe just one more. Joe . [band playing soft music] janet, im not saying its going to be easy, but with my love and your alimony, we can build a life together. Heh. Im gonna need a receipt for these. And its back to the basement. Over 20 million drivers are insured with geico. So get a free rate quote today. I love it how much do you love it . Animation is hot. And i think it makes geicos 20 million drivers message very compelling, very compelling. This is some really strong stuff so you turned me into a cartoon. Lovely. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Not anymore. What . My silverware isnt good enough for you . Have have you seen it . Yes, i have seen it, and it looks you gotta look better. Ladies, breathe. Cascade kitchen counselor here. Its not your silverware. Its likely your detergent. See, over time, cascade platinums triple cleaning formula delivers brilliant shine finish gel cant beat. It even helps keep your dishwasher sparkling. Find something, mother . No. [ counselor ] cascade platinum is cascades best. [ male announcer ] when your favorite food starts a fight, fight back fast with tums. Relief that neutralizes acid on contact and goes to work in seconds. Tum, tum tum tum tums relief that neutralizes acid on contact i told you, my dad had to leave. They were his trains. But you said your father had these trains for 30 years. You never used it once . He wouldnt let me. It doesnt add up. Doesnt add up. Am i released now . No. Captioning made possible by Sony Pictures television captioned by the National Captioning Institute www. Ncicap. Org hey, buddy . Oh, hey, flo. You want to see something cool . Snapshot, from progressive. My Insurance Company told me not to talk to people like you. You always do what they tell you . No. Try it, and see what your good driving can save you. You dont even have to switch. Unless youre scared. Im not scared, its. You know we can still see you. No, you cant. Pretty sure we can. Try snapshot today no pressure. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on tv but where are those good oldfashioned values on which we used to rely . Lucky theres a family guy lucky theres a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry hes. A. Fam. Ily. Guy okay, brian, im goin to the iga. Dont let peter get into the cookie dough. Yeah, sure. Uh, brian . Im just gonna go into the kitchen and. Look at somethin. Peter, i know what youre doing. Im just gonna look at somethin. muffled oh what a very interesting thing. Brian, can i give you money and you write me a check so i can order something from this Abercrombie Fitch catalog . What do you want to order . Oh, wait, let me guess. Him. guffaws he got you, stewie well, um, if it were you. Youyou would take the magazine and youd put it on the floor and pee on it cause youre a dog and youre stupid, andand you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. Nice comeback. Geez, that one was all over the place. I should have been quicker than that. I shouldve said, really . Why would i order your exboyfriend . And then id go like this. snaps fingers aw, thats so good why didnt i say that . if only i had a time machine, i could go back in time and have that comeback ready. Wait a minute. I do have a time machine brian, can i give you money and you write me a check so i can order something from this Abercrombie Fitch catalog . What do you want to order . Oh, wait, let me guess him. Really . Why would i order your exboyfriend . snaps fingers guffaws he got you, brian groans why didnt i think of this before . Now i can always have the last word. Like that Ground Control guy during the moon landing. over radio thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Mission controller roger that, neil. Armstrong we came in peace for all the peoples of the earth. Mission controller we read you, neil. Armstrong we chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Mission controller had a lot of help down here, neil. Armstrong we have slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of god. Mission controller yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, neil, throw em in a bag, well get you home safe and sound. This is silly fun. I can go back in time and change anything in brians life. Aw, dont feel bad, peter. Hey, i know whatll cheer you up. Hey, where the hells my banana thing . Its Peanut Butter jelly time Peanut Butter jelly time Peanut Butter jelly time where he at . Where he at . laughing oh. Oh, my god. Oh, stewie, that is so funny oh. I did not see that comin but. That was my thing. Im pretty sure it was the internets thing. Peanut butter jelly, Peanut Butter jelly Peanut Butter jelly with a baseball bat. Hey, you remember a few months ago when you scored that date with that victorias secret model and then ended up sealing the deal . Oh, yeah. That was amazing. What was the date of that . August 15th. August 15th you betcha now, i have to leave enough time. Talking to yourself . Gyah. brian, brian hello stewie, i know youve been going back in time to embarrass me. Oh, whatwhat, that. Come on oh, okay, thenthen where are you going now . Well, i have aaa very important mission. Uhhuh. Let me see that panel. No, no, dont touch that come on, let me see that dont. Move out of the way no, you cant. Im not gonna let you do this. You just touched my boob. Im gonna tell mom. beeping rapidly, electricity crackling