May i have the address of your emergency . This is not an emergency, but like i was wondering like when this is kind of embarrassing, but i got my penis stuck in an amplifier, the hole, is there any solution, i can get for or any advice you can give me by taking my penis out of the amplifier . Take what out of your what . My penis out of an amplifier . Out of an amplifier . No, i dont. I can send somebody there to help you. No, i dont really want help. This is really embarrassing. So, what is your address . [ dial tone ] [ laughter ] jay well be right back with Kristin Chenoweth right after this. [ cheers and applause ] didnt phone it in. We started at the beginning. We did our homework. We focus grouped. And we focus grouped the focus groups. Then we brought in all the carriers and all the phones, and we decided when you stop loving this, you should be able to trade it in for a gift card. We didnt just make a change, we made a better way to buy mobile. Heres your gift card. Customer oh, thanks very much. Blue shirt nice choice. Vo get up to 200 when you trade in any working phone. Vo only at best buy. People wait for this promotion all year long. And now there are endless ways to love it. From crispy to spicy to savory. [ man ] you cannot make a bad choice. [ male announcer ] red lobsters endless shrimp as much as you like, any way you like you can have your shrimp. And you can eat it, too. [ male announcer ] try our new soy wasabi grilled shrimp or classic garlic shrimp scampi. All just 15. 99 for a limited time. Its gonna be a hit this year. [ male announcer ] red lobsters endless shrimp is now we would never miss endless shrimp. [ male announcer ] buit wont last forever. So come and sea food differently. [ male announcer ] buit wont last forever. Uhoguess what day it is is . . Huh. Anybody . Julie hey. Guess what day it is . . Ah come on, i know you can hear me. Mike Mike Mike Mike mike. What day is it mike . Ha ha ha ha ha ha leslie, guess what today is . Its hump day. Whoot whoot ronny, how happy are folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico . Id say happier than a camel on wednesday. Hump day yay get happy. Get geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Why . Well, imagine waking up every morning with a little less hair. Then driving to work in heavy traffic. [ horns blaring ] only to find out that the project you were working on for a year was suddenly canceled. Well, the chocolatey taste of jello pudding makes up for all that. Here. You need this more than me. Jay all righty. My first guest. A tony award winner, an Emmy Award Winner and a lot of fun. Shell be performing at the Hollywood Bowl on august 23rd and 2 two nights at the bowl. She sold out. Shes gonna sing for us later but i thought that wed talk to her a little bit first. Please welcome one of our favorites, Kristin Chenoweth. Kristin. [ applause ] did you miss me . Jay i did miss you. Now i heard you had a bone to pick with me. Whats up . Whats going on . Okay, so the last time i was on here, maybe some of you remember. I have a charity, maddies corner and you said if i you know i dont like seafood. Jay right, i know you dont like seafood. I hate it. Taste or smell, taste, all of it. You said if i ate sushi jay right . You would make a donation to maddies corner. So he brought out sea urchin. Jay right. [ light laughter ] exactly. Jay very expensive. I dont care if it costs 10,000. So anyway, he brought it out, and by the way, it tastes like snot and b. O. [ laughter ] jay it tastes like b. O. Thats an interesting yeah. Im trying to give the visual end of it. Jay youre quite a cook. Okay, go ahead. Yeah. [ laughter ] anyway. I ate it and i i just want you to know what some of my friends jay wait, wait. Show me. Just wait. Jay okay. There are people on the streets, strangers that come up to me and think that you owe me more money. Jay really . Why is that . [ cheers and applause ] why . Why do i owe you more money . That was the deal. Because it was 500 is a lot of money, yes, but you should have that should be triple that. And i want to show the clip to this audience. And i want them to tell me what you think. Jay first of all i gave you i gave you 1,000. You did double it but its double that. Jay you know what kind of woman i can get for 1,000 . [ cheers and applause ] i dont know. What kind, jay . Aaah its a worm. [ cheering ] jay yeah [ cheering ] so, i would like to know by show of applause, how many people think jay leno should give maddies corner double, because i did not know [ cheering ] okay, okay. How many people think jay how many think i should come up with something way more interesting for her to eat [ cheers and applause ] what is what is more interesting than that . Jay oh, ill come up with something. Ill come up with something. Next time youre here we will do that. Okay. And i will i will make another donation. But i will come up a sizable one . I mean, that was sizable. Jay it was sizable. It was sizable with all due respect but that has snot and claws and eyeballs. [ light laughter ] jay there was no snot in it. Have you guys ever eaten sea urchin . Audience no. Exactly. Jay now you were just in australia. I was. Jay now, what was goin on down there . What was that . I went in tour all over all over australia. And have you played jay no, havent played australia. You havent played the Sydney Opera House . Jay no, strangely enough they dont do standup comics in the Sydney Opera House. [ laughter ] you know what, you should. Jay have you played Chuckle Comedy Club . No. [ laughter ] no, but ive been to chucky cheeses. Anyway thank you, thank you. Jay so youre doing a a concert at the sidney opera house. Name drop. Name drop, okay. Let me just pick that up. It was it was absolutely amazing. And i dont know that the people there are amazing and the audiences are amazing. But the sidney zoo is my favorite. Jay oh, okay. I got to meet a koala. And i learned about baby koalas. First of all, a koala baby is the size of maybe about this big. Jay yeah, like a seed almost. Its like a little like a kidney bean. Jay right. And if it lives inside a jelly, a pocket of it. Jay right. Its a miracle that it because the mama is like, youre on youre on. If you fall out, sorry. If you starve to death, sorry. By the way, they eat their own poop. They regurgitate and they reeat it. Jay 1,000 [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] yes. Much like the koala. My poop . My poop . Or its poop. Jay no, no. Thats disgusting. I cant believe i just said that. Jay what else did you see . Other animals . I saw kangaroos. Jay a kangaroo. Those are indigenous, yes. You know, to them its like seeing for us like a cow. cause i was with a bunch of australians, so when i saw the kangaroos i was like, arent they pretty . And theyre like, yeah. You know, they seem them all the time. But to us its like a cow. Jay actually, its like a a kangaroo. But yeah, yeah. You know what i mean. Jay how often do you see cows, really . You dont see cows im from oklahoma jay oh, thats right. You see cows all over. [ scattered applause ] anything else . Any giraffes . Anything like that . Giraffes. Okay, the tongues on the giraffes are about as big as my head. Theyre very, very long. Theyre thick. These tongues are so thick. Its like, thick. [ light laughter ] and theyre like a brillo pad. Jay yeah. Its like and hair is on the tongue, its not very attractive. Jay right, right. Now you are very you can do things with your tongue no, its not a salacious comment why does he remember these things about me . Jay no, no but you can. Remember you told me of course i can do tongue tricks, yes. Jay what tongue tricks can you do . I can do the roll. Jay the roll . Oh, let me see everybody can do this. Jay okay. Can you do that . Okay. Can you do the layover roll . Okay. And i can also do the layover flat. Im going to get a lot of prison mail after this. [ laughter ] jay whats this one . [ audience ohs ] and i can also touch my tongue. You ready . I mean my nose. Jay yes. [ laughter ] the bleach is going into the brain. Okay. [ laughter ] jay wow you got you got [ cheers and applause ] i tried to get everybody besides me. Jay you got all kinds of ways to earn a thousand dollars. Look all right, more with kristin. Be right back right after this. [ cheers and applause ] [ male announcer ] a man. A man and his truck. And a broken fence. And a lost calf. And the heart to search for as long as it takes. And the truck that lets him search for as long as it takes. The allnew chevy silverado. The most fuelefficient v8 in a pickup. Strong for all the roads ahead. [ crowd shouting ] [ male announcer ] see what others cant. [ crowd shouting ] meet the 41 megapixel Windows Phone nokia lumia 1020. Nothing else comes close. Chalky. Not chalky. Temporary. 24 hour. Lots of tablets. One pill. You decide. Prevent acid with prevacid 24hr. Dont you wanna, wanna dont you dont you want to see me flaunt what i got . Oh. Dont you dont you wanna, wanna dont you dont you wanna, wanna stress sweat is different than heat and activity sweat it smells worse. Secret clinical strength gives you four times the protection against stress sweat. Live fearlessly with secret clinical strength. Jay welcome back. Talkin with Kristin Chenoweth and we. You saw me a little under the weather. What happened . You all right . I am better now. And some people may have heard of menieres disease. Do you know do you know what that is, menieres . Jay no, what is that . Its an inner ear disorder that causes vertigo. Oh, okay. Yes. Jay so you get dizzy you get dizzy and you get sick. And i know a lot of people who suffer with it, really struggle. And being a performer is not not easy, but at least im not a window washer, right. I can still function. By the way, window washers are very nice people and its a a great job. [ laughter ] anyway, so i went to the inner ear doctor to find out you know sometimes they do these maneuvers, jay, where they throw you into position to get these little bones that fall out of your scotch tape. Jay what . Basically your inner your inner ear is like a piece of scotch tape. And you know how things get stuck and then they fall when scotch tape gets dull . Thats what i have inside my head. Yeah. Anyway jay so we know theres something in there. Yeah. No, go ahead. Jay e thank you. Read between the lines go ahead. [ cheers and applause ] jay ow, ooh. Thats the southern way to say anyway. So i went to the inner ear doctor and what he does is sticks this is tiny, tiny, tiny little camera down your ear and on the tv screen, on the wall you can see whats in your ear. And hell take a little vacuum and suck things out. And i saw on the wall theres my inner ear and he goes, kristin, lots of debris. I said, i know, i know. He went and started getting in all the sudden we both we look and through the fog of all the other debris we see he goes, what is that . I said what is that . He goes, what is that . I said, what is that . He said, its shiny. I said, its pink. He said, be very still. I cant get it with with this vacuum. Im gonna have to get tongs. Jay all right. I got he went in there. He pulled it. It was kinda sticking. He pulled it out. It was a bedazzle. [ audience ohs ] from my phone because i love to bedazzle, as you know. Jay right, right, thats right. Thats right. Youre from oklahoma. I remember now, yes. So i bedazzled my phone and one of those crystals i dont know how. Maybe i fell asleep with it. Who knows. And he goes, is that from a a costume . And i said, i think its from my phone. I seriously this is a true story, as is everything i say on here. Jay yeah. I pulled i pulled out my phone and there was a bedazzle missing. [ laughter ] and that was it jay that was it. Well, there you go. He said he had never seen that in his career. Jay and i doubt he will ever see it again. [ laughter ] by the way, people, dont have bedazzles on your phone. Jay right. Dont have anything that can come off and go into your ear. He says he pulled all kinds of things out of peoples ears. Jay im so glad you told me that. And be or whatever to my phone. Now the song youre singing, im fascinated youre fascinated by this Anthony Weiner story. You know, i am fascinated. Im fascinated because im disappointed. Jay youre disappointed. In that situation. Jay men do these things . Youre actually shocked, really . Would you vote for him . Youre from new york . No, no. Jay no . You cant. No, i cant in good conscious. I mean anyway, i put a little song together and some advice for mr. Weiner. Okay. Well get to that later. Okay. Jay how about Eliot Spitzer . Thats another new yorker. Hes running. Well, i dont know much about his politics. But i know that he didnt he have at least hes with actual women. [ laughter ] jay thats right. Right . Jay thats right. I mean, its not good, but hes not just going on the internet and putting a camera down there. Jay yeah. Did you see the Anthony Weiner photos . Yes, i did. Jay really . I did take a little peek. Little being the keyword. Jay yeah, yeah. I mean, my peek, not him. Of course. Is this really happening right now . Jay yeah, its happening. So youre doing the Hollywood Bowl all by yourself. Thats very exciting for two nights. Thats really impressive. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Woo jay thats a great thats a great venue. Is it hard being outside when the sound just kinda goes . You know, when your in a a concert hall, it reverberates. Right. Is it harder when youre just singing out . A little bit. But you know, as i think when i played in the bowl before. And i walk out there and i see the most amazing view because you guys im looking into the trees, and ive got l. A. Phil behind me, which is one of the top orchestras in our country. You guys know how amazing they are. And then just to stand out there and sing, and the last time i was there i did sing i was singing an aria and i kid you not, at some point a a mosquito and or a bug flew inside my mouth. Jay wow. So im hoping that that will not happen. Jay and he had a bedazzle on it. So it was bad. [ laughter ] kristin will sing a little later thanks kristin. Be right back with josh gad right after this. [ applause ] [ female announcer ] enjoying breakfast together is a pretty wonderful thing. But when you have a picky eater. Wont touch this. It can be a bit of a dance. Wont touch this. Wont touch stop. Eggo time. [ female announcer ] eggo waffles can win over the pickiest of eaters so everyone can enjoy breakfast. Together. Cant touch this. [ girl ] leggo my eggo™. They were secretly tasting sam adams boston lager. Its got a good color. Its very smooth. I like that. This is sam adams boston lager im impressed. Its tasty. This is the best day ever. This is the best day ever. With master griller and sity protailgater, matt connor whos secretly serving steaks from walmart. Its a steak over dude, its so good. Its juicy. Its nice and tender. Only one in five steaks is good enough to be called walmart choice premium steak. All these steaks are from walmart. Oh my gosh top ten most tender steaks ive had. Im going to start buying meat at walmart. Walmarts prices are so low you could have steak at every game. Its 100 satisfaction guaranteed. Try it. Another viva dare. Our fans think theres a rule that a paper towel cant handle this. Fans . Now thats tough when wet. [ peggy ] grab viva and break the rules on all your tough messes. This is what they do for fun. On all your tough messes. Temperature 72 degrees. Wow, nice. Uh huh, voice activated, and great gas mileage. Better than choosing voice activated or great gas mileage. Ha, thatd be like police who protect or serve. Police freeze hey can we get you something to eat . We have a delicious sea bass. Served with roasted vegetables or rice. I like and better. Yeah and is better. The 2013 edge. Only ford gives you ecoboost fuel economy and a whole lot more. Go further. [ cheers and applause ] jay my next guest earned a a tony nomination for his performance in the book of mormon. Im the only one on the show tonight with no tony nomination. Its really annoying. Kristin you got to go to broadway then. Jay i know, i know. Hes now playing Apple Computer legend Steve Wozniak in the terrific new film called jobs. It opens everywhere august 16th. Please welcome, josh gad. [ cheers and applause ] jay hey, good to see you, we called you a couple of weeks ago and you were on vacation. Where did you go . Yeah i was on vacation. By the way, i just want to apologize for this. We just bought a house and so my wife is making me return all my clothes after were done today. Jay really . Wow. [ laughter ] ive always wanted to do this by the way. Because i knew you know because i knew you i saw her do wicked when i was and i dont want to age you or me. Kristin like ten. Yes. It changed my life. And it was at that moment i knew i wanted to be a blonde bombshell on broadway. [ laughter ] kristin thank you. [ applause ] jay well thats worked out really well. I was on vacation. It was this joke has run its course, jay. [ light laughter ] kristin tuck it in there. Jay now youre stuck with the tag. Now im stuck with the tags. My damn wife. First rule of comedy. Dont get stuck with something you hate later on. We went to hawaii. And it was one of those amazing vacations that was just extraordinary. I got a little bit of a jew tan. [ light laughter ] jay oh, okay. Im not sure if thats different from a regular tan but yeah. Just more like olive tan, i guess. And i sloppier beard than usual. Jay right. So what were the highlights of the trip . What did you do . Well, we went on the helicopter, which was incredible. The thing about the helicopters in hawaii is that literally everything has been filmed there. So they have the Jurassic Park music and pirates of the caribbean music. And you go above these incredible mountains and everything. But we took my 2 and a a halfyearold who was buckled in and just fearing for her life. And she was doing really well on it. And it gets to the part where we go above the Jurassic Park waterfall . Do you all remember that Jurassic Park waterfall . Jay yeah. The trex was like grrrrr. And everybody was like, oh no. And then the car crashes. So we saw that waterfall, and as the music starts and crescendos theyre like [ making music noises ] my poor daughter literally wakes up. She goes [ vomit noise ] [ laughter ] throws up all over the dashboard. Or whatever the helicopter equivalent of a dashboard is. The pilot starts sweating profusely. Am im just like, were never going to be invited to fly again. Kristin did you clean it up . N