My hands were tied. Stephen but santa,es t to be o the naughty list. Bring coal jobs back and i need kids socks. Crop in the naughty you reallywant to live a rld where the naughty dont get punished . Stephen no,just where they dot becomepresidt. cheers and applause its the late show with lee daels and music t migues lamber featuring jon batiste and stay human. Annow,ive on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Steen Colbert cheers and applause everybo . . Merry chsts. goodosee yo n merry chrtm to u applse steph we the late ow. Please sit down, everybody. Thank you so much. Youre very kind. Wh a lovely night. Whata lovely crowd. How i feeling the holidays. Welcome tothe late show. Imyo hosttephen colbert. Loof exciting revations g th r cabinetho dond trump ismt potion you ow how theye got the cameras at trump towers andng tn out. Its likea detective show or something ke tha jonye , like cop. Stephen so far s what laughter and today, today brout the strangest news yet,beca e this morng, the esidentelect met at trump tower with ali kanye w. You can tell it s a highpoweredeeting because kanye wo his formasweatsuit. Now, obviouss aly, itecurity risk gathering the two most in t same room. Ists cheers and applause jon you can stephen just for security lebouf in an undisosedeep shia location for coinuity o gornment. Re they are ending tir meetinwith a bro hug in ontof t s called the deportation of pablo im not sure what cabit position kanye was applying for. Which governme agency regulates diamond masks and track pants . Jon im not sure i havent fired thatut. Stephen ill tellou what hes not up for is secretarof state, becaetoday, donal trump chose rex tillerson, exexonmob. E. O. Assume from nown, all gas stations are official u. S. Embassies, which is perfect for any fugees who are asylum and maybe a slim jim. Pick. Rson an terestg for one thing, hes an oil man who beeves in clate change. V . Well, course he believes i hes fm exxon. They invented it laughter applause pre ofownehip. Itsis baby its my baby now, some people a ccerned with vladimir putin. Ose ties anthey are buddies. Here he is laughing at one of jokes. S classic knockknock orange u glad i dnt poison your family . lauger youill lah now and while tierson admitse and putin a ve close relationip, hes also said, i dont agree with everything hes doing. Yeah, ll have that one friend who sometimesrinks too mu or dates thwrong person, or aexes crimea. What y gonna do . laught of crse, this means that the secretary of state wont be ing to mitt ey, though mney was a lshot from the beginning. Afr all,n mahe said this onald trump is a phonya fraud. His promesres worthlesas a degree from trump iv. Ersity hes playinghe members of th erican pubc for suckers. Stephen i donknow about the american public, but trump certnly played one guy for a sucker, because everybody thought mitt had it inhe ncy dinner in manhattan. It was nice. Theyad frolegs in a reduction of romneys dnity. ch and applause oh salty oh delicious but it was all just a trick, because accoinrumpg to t insider roger one, trump interviewed romney to torture him. That sounds pretty d. But luon theside, if this is umps idea of tour gitmo tonight, the torture sommelier recommending a merlotboarding paired with an ed brie. You dont want to k where eytting the brie. We shouldnt brprised. Trump seems like the kind g who feels like o fancy dinner gives him the right tocrew you. And to rub salt wounds because it looks like trump isoing to pick formergove texaor rick perry for secretary of energy. Eplacing stanfordeducad Nuclear Physicist and jack of diamonds ernest moniz. Good sh. lahter applause so what are perrys alifications to lead the department oergy . Ll, for one, hdoes have energy. . G bless texas the prised land . Stephen wow ifes half as go as being energy secretarys h i lot of nur waste spls. To be a ughter man, he couldnot lookny . . . I apologize. I apologize jon thatwas green acres . Acres. Sthen what were th he suld beecreta o why no mitt duringhe campaign, perryon his r ss leto onbe mistake Donald Trumps candidacy ia caer on nsvatism, anit mucleast be y diagnosed, excised, and disrded. Stephen man, all tho medical procedures sound we sllare. Have obam andwhile chpplaus course, who uld ever forget rick perrys most memorable rformance in the and will tell you, itsbate . Gone mmce, education, and whats the trd ehere. Lets see. You can name the third one . The trd agency of government, iou do awa with um,ommerce, and lets e. Cant,ird the oni ct rrn0 laughter applause stephen now, tee words come to dumb. Mother. Cant think ofrd the tne. cheers and applause by the wh the way, the department he couldnt remember int thalip,k the departmt he wants to get rid and this istrue its or, as it will soon be known, the department of oops. Actually, is ther anything nonpolitical going on . Hey, heresne. Are yo guys excite for the movie rogue one a star wars story . Comingup . Me, too. Ill cla on that one. Ill clap on that one. We, sadly, notrye is excited, because tru supportersre dumpstarwars. The controversy started when rogue one screenwrer eeted, please note that the pire ia white supremist organization. Really . Why would a ite supremacis organization put a black guy in charge . laughter now, the writer deleted the tweet d then apologid for it, but thatidnt appease the dark side of the intnet, because protrump star wars . fans are circulating rumors that the film was reshot to e antruincludcenes. Scenes into a movie thatakes place in another galax try to grab someone by theers wookie . laughter plause no. No. Wookie. . . . What . laughter im going to beed t to make that gesturenymore. Im just talking abt wookie. Whs wrong with you these rumore please, just, from my heart, please, 2016 has been a rough ride. Forw at ard toe end is thetars w ars. So i am begging you, in the nami of kenobis shimmering ghost,hut upnd let me en joyogue one. Cant we just all agree leanin, we all believe our side ithe rel alliance . None goes to see xme and roots for the regur humans. And we are the rular humans laughter son it comes to the star warsmovies, all ericans are the good guys. Ok . The democratic coalitions every bit diverse as the cantina band and admiral akbar bearstriking , of course . Sojust let it go and move on to christmas. Lego of politics and moveon to christmas. I know of pele are fencing up their christmas shpingr starting it. 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And twoore diamonds t help you forget where diamonds me from. And because shes constantly surprising you witthe way she ves a hot glue gun. Xtra diamonds and this christmas buy r the forever times infinity ring. Because facet, your kids arent really coege merial anyway. Think about it. cheers and alause weve got a great show for you tonight. Mark wahlberg is here. D when we come back, il get some tngs off my chest. Stickund. . . . apause and at progressive, we let you compare ouprogressive direct rate. Great deals for reals . And our competitors rates sidebyside, so y know youre getting a great deal. Savinghe moolah. [ chkles ] as you can see, sometimes ogressive isnt the lowest. Not alwa the lowest jamie. What are you doing . Im being your hype man. Not right now. You saide the hype man. No, said we wouldnt do it. Noim sorry,w. You saide weertalking abt savings. The hype man. I liked his way. Talking about getting that moneeeey savings wortthe hype. Talk now thats progressive. That moneeeey im about to head off to the after pty . And anks to targeti got this nice little outfit just in time usg der pick. Stayresh ge wantonger lastingwith or heartburn relief . Rget. Yresh tr. Dn duo fusi goes to work in seconds anlasts up to hours. In one chewable tablet try duo fusion from the makers of zantac . You never belied iirytn faes. Knhts in shini armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one cameng, youd beeady. Time to shine. Orbit. Hey come quick. My new bee stella artois, is finished. Thpeople will love it. Enjoyed ever since. Stellartois. Host one to remember enjoy ur phone you too. All right, be cool. You t the amazing w iphone 7 on the housey itching to at t. . . Aand you got unlimitedata because you hav directv . . Y laughs to self in disbelief okay, just a few more sts. At t. Its cool . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste stay human thank you, sir. Cheers, cheers. Oh oh my friends. Oh, my friends. Welcome back to the show. Were having a fine time tonight. You picked a good one to watch. Now, before we go on, i just want to say that im a practicing catholic. And i enjoy going to church. Are ceend of sacred, you know. And what i really miss about going to church is going to confession. So id like to take a moment and confess to my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course n stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter stephen standard disclaimer these might not technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. Okay, ill be right back. Forgive me, audience. My new years resolution is cancelling the gym membership i got last year. Audience, audience, one of the wise men in my nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, i relaced him with lego batman. laughter i do comedy for a living, but i panic whenever i have to pick out my funny screen name at the bowling alley. laughter stevepin bowlbert . Ti do something that would make me seem reckless, like get a tatook place of my a. T. M. Pin. laughter sometimes, after ive unloaded my groceries, i just push the empty cart into the parking lot like its a viking funeral. laughter i take credit for other peoples work. And if i had writers, theyd be pretty pissed. laughter sometimes i go to kickboxing gyms, look around, and say really loudly, sorry, not intense enough for me. laughter i like to go caroling just so i can judge my neighbors entrance halls. laughter ive got a simple recipe for eggnog. Its one part whiskey. laughter applause m gonna make another batch. laughter i use up all the hot water when i take a shower, but unless its laughter when my kids were growing up, our house didnt have a fireplace, so i told them that santa came out of the dryer. laughter applause i told my family i was doing the mannequin challenge, when really i just didnt move off the couch for three hours. laughter applause i ate all the popcorn strings that my family put on our christmas tree. I just love string. laughter im a slow typer because i only use two fingers. And theyre not mine. laughter last night, i lost over a pint of blood because i flossed for the first time in two years. laughter applause audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with Mark Wahlberg. . . . . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, welcome back to the show, folking. My first guest tonight is a talented actor and producer. You know him from boogie nights, the departed, and lone survivor. He now stars in patriots day. I know what youre doing there. Thats the fence line. You said 2 45 . Correct. Thats going to be crate barrel. Crate and barrel anybody. Checking crate and barrel. The hat has a golf logo, along with the number 3. Okay. 2 42 p. M. Whiskey steak house. Whiskey steakhouse. A man wearing aviators. It looks like they know each other. Please welcome Mark Wahlberg . . . applause stephen nice to meet you. Its nice to meet you. Stephen nice to meet another wahlberg, because we had donnie on not that long ago. There are a lot of them. Stephen for blue blood here on cbs. And what a delight your brother is. We really connected. He really raised the wahlberg wow. Stephen fantastic guest. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Stephen does he ask about me . Does he talk about me . Didnt mention you at all. Stephen didnt mention me at all. Didnt mention you at all. Stephen he said nice things about you. I dont believe that, either. Being the youngest of nine i got tortured by my brothers and sisters. Its nice we have a Good Relationship now. Stephen did you get beaten up by your brothers . Until i turned 12nd turned the tables. Stephen you beat up your older brothers . All of them. Stephen thats not allowed. Youre the youngest child. You have to respect your elders. We would literally be in the champion. And my mother would be like, what are you doing . And i said, what what do you think im doing . Im beating him up. And she said in front of his wife and kids. Stephen how many boys and how many girls. My dad had three or four somewhere else, before us. Stephen okay, all right, yeah. Do you know where else . I met a few of them. Stephen another nice. I met my brother scott. There are two donnies. Stephen two donnies . Yeah. Stephen we should make them fight in a pit. Yeah. Stephen there can be only one. Well. Stephen there can be only one. I knew of only one. Stephen im one of 11 kids. Im the youngest of 11, eight boys, three girls. Work very rare. Stephen yeah, pretty rare these days. Common where i come from. Ph youngest though, right . Well, when you start to get into your teens. Un, it was. Stephen you got away with a lot. Well, i did, but then i ended up going to jail. laughter so thats not good. Stephen i guess not. My parents spent a lot of time just trying to put food on the table so i was left to my own devices and that was left hanging up on the with the long crowd. Stephen my mom, by the time she got to me, 10 fungers, 10 toes, go outside. My mom would tell the story give birth, he would drop her off, and say pick me up when youre done. And i was sleeping in a chair when my wife was giving birth to our four children. Stephen you can name from top to bottom, fast. Do you want to race . laughter ill do 11 from the top to bottom. And you do your nine. Ready. You want to go top to bottom or bottom to top. Stephen i can only do top to bottom. You can do bottom to top. It doesnt matter to me. Whatever you choose. One, two, three, well go. One, two, three. Stephen oh you have more. Stephen no ones ever beantown me. It doesnt matter. No oneee ever beantown me. Congratulations. Thank you, sir. Stephen im humbled. You havent seen the ted movie. I talk really fast. Im good with names and rapid fire. Stephen there are a lot of great movies about boston, and youre in all of them. In. And the brink job was good. Stephen when youre in one of the movies about boston and we watch nut movies. We say, thats a really good boston accent. That makes sense because hes from boston. When the other people talk, too, we go, wow, they should not be in a scene with Mark Wahlberg when theyre trying that accent. What do you do on set . Its one of the hardest accents to get right. What do you do when youre on set and somebody is completely in a movie like this in ted its all right. In a movie like this it really relies on its authenticity and accuracy. We would say, you get one more try, and if not, we will dub you in post. Stephen what . Yeah, or dont do the accent. Because its its its not good when its bad. He likes to improvise, and a lot of people come in with dialect coaches. They know their lines, and as soon as pete says throw the script out the window and were going to improvise, people start with michelle monaghan, she did a fantastic john on the accent, and we improvised and john goodman does a good accent. Other than that we cast boston actors. Stephen that brings us to the movie. For patriots day, for those who dont know, its about the Boston Marathon bombing. Its an important story to the nation, but particularly important story to your hometown. Where were you when that happened . I was actually i was not in boston. And then i heard what happened, and i immediately went to boston the next day. And, you know, it was incredible seeing my city like that. It was pretty much deserted and just had such an eerie feeling. Boston is such a small place. Everybody knows somebody directly affected by this. But what was amazing was how boston responded. Not just law enforcement, first responders, everybody came together. You know when those explosion went off, you saw people running immediately towards the problem. People from all walks of life. To be a bostonian. And i wanted to share that as well as the other really positive and Inspiring Stories of the victims and their families and, also, the survivor s. Stephen it was it was a tragic day and a shock and heartbreaking day. But i think so many people, certainly i watching it, were moved by the response that boston had, how people stepped up in boston. Even the people running the race. There were people that day who ran a marathon, and then ran another two miles to a hospital boston was a beautiful place on that terrible day. You i understand that you almost didnt make this movie. You werent sure whether ultimated to be in it. What why were you on the fence about doing this . Well, obviously, its an exraemly sensitive subject. But, you know, there were three movies being talked about at various stages of development. And they were going to make movies. So i said im not going to let somebody else come into my town and sensitivity that it deserves because of the amount of violence and carnage it could be something that could become gratuitous and have people be. And peter berg who i did loan survivor with and deep water horizon. And i said im going to tell the story and make it right and have people know what boston strong means and make my community prou look at what happened in cairo on sunday, and these things just continue to happen all over the world. We have to continue to promote that message that love will always win, and that no matter what happens well get back up and well hold hands and well fight for each other, and that message is important. So applause stephen let me ask you one other thing about boston is that people from there seem like other people from there. laughter like, like its surprising that you notice that. Stephen is that true . Absolutely. I dont think theresver been one good thing written about me in a boston newspaper. The people that matter. You know, for me, being able to turn my life i havent gotten into so much trouble when i was a kid, being able to turn my life around. I had gone to copley high but i didnt go past the ninth dpraid, and thats pro away from the finish line. I was able to go back and get my diploma at 42 and i inspired kids growing up in neighborhoods like that. If i can aomplish what i accomplished theres no reason you cant do anything. You have to put the work in. You have to do the right thing, earn it, and work for it and great things will happen. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Merry christmas. Thank you for having me. Stephen have a good holiday. Patriots day is in theaters december 21. Mark waherg, everybody stick around. . Announcement this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. With total accumulation of up to three feet. Roads will be shut down indefinitely. And schools are closed. Campbells soups go great with a cold and a nice red. Made for real, real life. Oh, thats lovely. So graceful. The corkscrew spin, flawless. His signature move, the flying dutchman. And there it is, the baby bird. Breathtaking. A sumo wrestler figure skating . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money heather saved by switching to geico. applause . Stephen come on back my next guest is an oscarnominated director, writer, and producer whose works include precious, the butler, empire, and now the new television series, star. Please welcome lee daniels. . . . applause stephen welcome to the show. Thank you for having me on the show. Stupid. Mother. Hey. And then i turned to the producer backstage, and said, that was so well deserved. I said, is he an actor. And then they told me you were in my favorite tv series. Stephen what . Strangers with candy. Stephen you liked strangers with candy . Stephen that means are you mentally ill. The strangers with candy fans are a little. Of i could never pull off those leather pants. Theyre not really leath gler theyre not really leather . Hey just look it. Stephen they look better on you than they wouldor me. You should try it. Stephen congratulations. Look what you just got. You got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. cheers and applause that is great. Know. Stephen that is fantastic. Whatst because i dont have one you dont have one. Stephen i dont have one, no. You gotta get one. Stephen what . You gotta get one . Stephen i have to fit in the pants first. It is surreal. It really is surreal. You realize i felt like lucille ball. I dont know, i felt like at the Chocolate Factory . I felt like it was sort of surreal that your body of work even like i know so many people that are that i think stephen how did you celebrate . How did you what happens when they when you do it . What happens . I got drunk. laughter stephen that part ive done. And im supposed to not be drinking, but i got drunk. Afterwards, at 3 00 in the morning, my boyfriend and i at 3 00 in the morning, i went back to the star because i thought i thought this was some, you know,. Playing games with me. lauger and we start dancing, and i instagrammed it. I was drunk. And i and i pull up to these strangers on street and i go, do you know who lee daniels is . Hes got a star on the walk of fame. And they go, yeah, yeah, we know. And they didnt know it was me. And they look back up and go, hey, you yes we were gone. But it was fun. Stephen wow. Its really surreal. Its humbling. Its humbling. Stephen really . Yeah, its humbling. The big hit empire. When im tighted because jesse and tray got n. A. A. C. P. Image nomination awards today. Stephen congratulations. U have the new show star coming out on fox. Uhoh. Stephen theyre about hiphop and the music industry. Have you always been a big fan of hiphop . No. Stephen no . No. Stephen because youre now a very i know, but my look, i feel like hold on a my my Music Library stops at, like, whitney houston, i guess, a little bounce ayou know what i mean . Maybe. And so, so much so, that my kids really told me like you know, timberland is i didnt know who timberland was. And my first movie was monsters ball and puff daddy interviewed with me, and i didnt know who he was. laughter he said, mdaniels off . No, he came in solo. Its a casting office. I knew who he was after, because we went on his yacht and he said, welcome to my world now. I was like, oh, okay, mr. Daddy. laughter applause . Stephen mr. Daddy. Mr. Daddy well, youve written youve written a lot of really powerful, beautiful roles for women. What draws you to that . Why do you want to these actresses . Because i think theyre smarter than men. cheers and applause stephen really . Yeah. Stephen women are smatter than men . Yeah. laughter i mean, you know, not gay men. laughter but men. Theres a hierarchy. Theres a hierarchy. Stephen women, gay men, men. No is goes gay merge women, again. Stephen oh, okay. Room are gay men. Yes, god. Stephen i did not know i did not know that i was gay. Thank you very much. cheers and applause applause thank you. Thank you for letting me know. Wow. I was i just thought i was a thinker. Thank you. Think that women are far more complicated and i find that they are really interesting and fascinating to write for. So really . Yeah. So most of my work comes from crazy cookies and Stephen Queen latifah is in star. Yeah. Stephen we have a clip here of another strong woman showing her strength. Jim. You gaining all that weight, never showing up on time, acting like an amateur. And who paid for fatha . Me. My career. And now youre going to come up here and try to derail me again . No. You know what . My father always said to me, you only need three things in life. Oh, yeah what, did your daddy say . Bible, your word, and your gun. applause stephen in 2009, you said, i am so used to having two faces, a face that i have for black america and a face for white america, when obama became president i lost both faces. What happens now that hes no longer prest you know where you put those faces . laughter do you do you you can still keep both of those faces off now that were going to a different president . Do we really have to. My god. Stephen we really do constitutionally have to go to a new president. Do we . Stephen we do. I checked. Stupid. Mother. laughter cheers and applause . Stephen good luck. Thank you. Stephen star premieres tomorrow night on fox. Lee daniels, everybody . . . Stephen from her new album the weight of these wings please welcome miranda lambert. . . . . I want to know somewhere where nobody goes something about the way i feel when the wheels go round and around and around . Okay. Rest stop, next stop. Caravan like a wild west show . I dont care singing for your surp, get off one and get on the other. . Daddy was a drifter momma got drunk. And i still dont know where i come from on the map and off the grid with all my friends from caravan like a wild west show . I tonight care as long as they go my way . Singing for your supper, get off one, get on the other. . We aint broke down then we aint doing something right . We aint broke down so we aint going down tonight living like a hippie moving right along to th next big city living like . Jump off the edge, truck stop, rest stop. . Caravan like a wild west show . I dont care as long as we go my way . Singing for your supper get off one and get on the other. Moving right along to the next big sea cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Miranda lambert, everybody. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be Neil Patrick Harris and megan mullally. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Jennifer Lawrence and t. J. Miller. Good night . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show